Regain lost trust. How to restore trust

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How to regain trust in your partner

When a person destroys trust by any action, deed or a series of them, his partner stops taking his word for it. Trust can only be restored through a series of specific actions.

The proposed methods are suitable for couples who want to maintain their relationship and restore trust in it. Thanks to the situation that destroyed trust and subsequent actions to restore it, a reassessment of values and a reboot of relationships occurs.

Having trust in a relationship is a guarantee of personal freedom. Therefore, the price of regaining trust is a restriction of freedom. The price can range from low to very expensive. Choose the options that suit you and your partner. When it comes to restoring relationships, it is important to come to an agreement!
Agree that your partner:

I. Restoring predictability in the partner’s behavior.

Will refuse late walks (delays at work) and long trips.
Will inform you about situations of temptation (for example, if he suddenly encountered a mistress, a drug dealer, an old company). And also about his decision and action, for example, he passed by and did not say hello.
He will inform you if these people make contact with him (call him, come to work, wait at the entrance).
Will call you several times throughout the day.
He will tell you where he is going, how long he will be there, and what time he will come home.
Periodically will reassure you, knowing that you are worried.
He will hug you and show you that he understands how upset or upset you are.
He will share with you his personal experiences, thoughts, feelings, even if these feelings are negative.
He will share with you those situations that upset or upset him during the day.
He will share with you those situations that made him happy or amused during the day.
He will share the temptation he experienced and talk about how he dealt with temptation, which helped him resist.
Ask you for help or let you know if he needs something from you.
Will come home for dinner together.
Will spend time with you. Plan these hours and activities together.
Will maintain eye contact while talking to you.
Will show his love in various ways other than sex. Tell him what is important to you, how you understand that you are loved. If you don't know, the hint is in the book.
He will not have secrets from you, secret email addresses, social media accounts, phone numbers, or bank accounts.

II. Rituals to regain trust

He will write indicating why he acted so badly and why he wants to be forgiven.
He will perform a special ritual that will mean the beginning of a new life and parting with the past (he will burn a photo of his mistress, change his phone number).

III. Fines as compensation for pain caused

Gives you access to his phone, correspondence, bank cards and accounts.
Quit smoking, drinking or something else.
Changes job.
Moves with you to another city.
Takes you on a romantic trip.
Pays for your education, vacation or treatment.
Buys you an expensive gift.
Stops visiting places where old contacts or situations of temptation are possible.
Transfers part of the property into your name.
He uses his own money to hire a private detective to keep an eye on him.
Goes to family or personal therapy, where he will talk about his problem with a psychotherapist.

People meet and show sympathy for each other. The apogee of long dates, sweet SMS and calls until midnight should be the realization that a person cannot imagine his life without a soulmate. He understands that he has fallen in love and unconditionally believes every word she says.

In other words, complete trust is established. And that's okay. Loving people should not have even a shadow of doubt within themselves in relation to their partner. As soon as a tiny seed of mistrust is born, the risk increases that it will become a branchy tree, and in a short time.

Few people, after a wedding, simple cohabitation, or at the stage of the candy-bouquet period, seriously think about the fact that a warm fire needs to be constantly maintained by adding firewood. If this is not done in a timely manner, it will begin to gradually fade away, and then completely go out.

So it is with trust. He needs to be constantly justified. After two or three mistakes, a person runs the risk of finding himself under the constant scrutiny of a partner, who will suspect his soul mate of something and try to convict her of it.

What might cause mistrust?

It's very easy to lose it. It all depends on the number of repetitions of the act committed. Most often, couples who are on the verge of breaking up due to mistrust talk about the following reasons:

Absence from the beginning. There are times when people meet for a good time and rarely think about what will happen next. Naturally, according to their logic, they do not owe each other anything and are not obliged to strive to maintain warmth in the relationship. This is where all the shortcomings and unseemly actions begin to appear. It is unlikely that such a development of events will lead to the altar. If this happens, it won't be for long.
Attacks of jealousy, being caught cheating. Both of these factors are not at all encouraging. After all, if there is no trust, then suspicions arise. Sometimes they are completely groundless. But this is rather an exception to the rule. A person is designed in such a way that he senses deception or infidelity on an intuitive level. Even when the appearance of an ideal relationship is created, some kind of coldness is felt towards the partner. Naturally, jealousy slowly begins to draw unseemly pictures of the development of events in the imagination, and further aggravates the situation.
If it is justified or the fact of betrayal was obvious, then in such a situation it is extremely difficult to talk about any kind of trust. Not every person is able to forgive and is ready to never remind his or her soul mate of the betrayal.
Absence of an equal sign between word and deed. No sweet speeches can replace the actions that confirm them. It often happens among young people that in private a young man swears his love, is ready to throw everything at the feet of a girl, but in fact, at every opportunity, he humiliates her in front of mutual friends, ridiculing her appearance or actions.
Deception. It doesn’t matter that a person lied with good intentions or simply did not tell facts that were important to another. It is from such little things that an opinion about everyone is formed. After a person has been caught lying several times, it is extremely difficult to unconditionally believe his words.
Unkept promises. Often people resort to this to avoid an unpleasant conversation, or wanting to achieve the realization of some of their goals. In the other half, such behavior causes disappointment in the partner. You can’t feed her “breakfast” all the time. Sooner or later, “saturation” will come, and there will be no more trust at all.

What to do when a relationship is on the verge of breaking down?

Firstly, there is no point in banging your head against the wall and tearing your clothes. Cool thinking is important now. Both partners need to put negative emotions aside and rethink everything.

Secondly, it is important to clarify for each of them:

The reason for what happened.
To understand whether there is still at least a drop of former love and tenderness for a person who has lost trust.
Imagine life without him. Will there be a feeling of lack of a “second hand”.
Is a person ready to fight to maintain relationships and restore trust in himself?

If everything has formed a clear picture in your head, and there is a desire to be together no matter what, you need to win your favor again.

What steps should I take?

Of course, nothing will change in one day. And you shouldn’t expect manifestations of crazy love from your other half just because the culprit spent half a day apologizing and swearing that it was impossible for something like this to happen again.

It's easy to lose trust. Getting it back is a long and painstaking job. To quickly bridge the gap between partners, you need to adhere to several rules:

You can't constantly remind each other about what happened. This will only aggravate the situation and will be a reason for regular showdowns. It is better to try to forget about the current situation and not mention it in any conversations.
You should not reproach the offender. If he took a risk and is trying to restore the relationship, it means he has realized his guilt. A person will constantly feel like a naughty cat. He will not live long in such emotional stress. Consequently, this will again turn into a scandal.
If before the critical moment the culprit did not pay much attention to his soul mate, and after what happened he suddenly began to lose his head with love and almost blow away specks of dust, this is at least suspicious. Of course, we are not talking about sincerity here.
A serious offense is not quickly forgotten and is not atoned for. There is no need for loud phrases and promises, expensive restaurants, necklaces and rings. Love and trust are not something to be bought or sold. The most expensive gifts are pleasant little things that confirm the importance of a person’s interests for a partner. And, most importantly, you only need to promise what you can actually deliver.
Humiliation for the sake of forgiveness is inappropriate. Apart from ridicule and mockery, there will be nothing more as revenge from a partner.
There is no need to wash dirty linen in public. Partners are able to sort out their relationship on their own, without the involvement of outsiders. If you cannot reach a consensus, it is better to contact a specialist rather than calling on friends or relatives for help. It may turn out that later they will remain to blame.
You should never manipulate children. Parental feelings have nothing to do with the relationship between a man and a woman. Trying to induce a feeling of guilt in this way will still not deter a person.

Lost trust takes a long time to recover. Sometimes this takes more than one year. If loving people really need each other, it means that all the work is not in vain and the struggle is worth it.

Unfortunately, there are situations in life when you, without thinking, betray your loved one. As a result, you lose his trust. However, it all depends on the situation. If a girl simply lied, then the young man will definitely forgive her, because everyone has been caught in a lie at least once. But if she cheated on him or flirted with his friends, then everything is much more complicated, and it’s worth starting to look for the answer to the question “How to regain the trust of a loved one?”

Of course, initially you had to think carefully about the consequences, especially if you value your relationship. But if this does happen, then it is very difficult to regain trust. Here everything directly depends on your lover and what kind of person he is. If he loves you madly, then there is always a chance for forgiveness, but if his feelings have long cooled, then it will be useless to make excuses.

There are also guys who themselves want to end the relationship, and to do this they provoke situations so that they can later find themselves in the position of an offended person and dominate you. Such a young man can be seen right away. If he does not listen to any arguments, is not particularly upset and immediately says “no,” then this, most likely, was a provoked situation. Think about it, is it worth spending energy on him and starting a showdown? It’s better to just let go of this situation, since the person himself doesn’t want to be together.

Trust cannot be regained, but it can be built. Think about whether you need a relationship with a person whose trust has been lost. Decide right away whether you can no longer commit such acts, because the stronger sex endures betrayal and betrayal much more difficult. If you have analyzed everything and realized that you are ready to start a relationship from scratch, then start it with a frank conversation.

Admit your mistakes and guilt, be sincere. Tell me what is going on in your soul and that you are very ashamed of what happened. A loving man, in most cases, after such words, goes forward and gives the girl a chance. However, you don’t need to think that everything will now be the same. At first, he will be wary of your words and actions. And if you cheated on him, then perhaps he will often rummage through your things and look through your phone. Don't blame him for this, be understanding.

Also, you need to know that if you decide to regain trust, then get ready for a completely different man to be with you. His consciousness will change not only in relation to you, but also in relation to all women.

Under no circumstances should you humiliate yourself by trying to rekindle your relationship. Such behavior will only push your loved one away. There is no need to call if he does not answer the phone, and to watch him at the entrance, this will not lead to anything good. Give him time to think.

Of course, in addition to words, deeds are very important. Try to find out if your loved one has any problems, if so, then help him solve them. Contact his friends, colleagues and ask what you can do about this. Also a good maneuver would be to turn into an ideal girl. Listen to all his requests, be attentive, prepare surprises and delicious dinners for him.

Finally, I would like to say that true, sincere love cannot be destroyed by any misfortune. If you love, you can forgive and apologize, because it is much more important to preserve true feelings than to replace them with quarrels and pain. And you will no longer need to think about how to regain the trust of your loved one.
I highly recommend reading the next book. Lots of positive reviews.

The phrase “How to regain the trust of a loved one after a lie” is sometimes not even a question, but a cry for help. This is because trust is like a porcelain cup, which is very easy to break and often impossible to glue back together, and lying is the very action that breaks the cup into pieces.

Confidence- an important component of close and meaningful relationships, which represents the mutual confidence of people in each other’s decency, honesty, sincerity, conscientiousness and goodwill.

Exactly mutual trust and respect are the basis of long-lasting and strong friendships, love, partnerships, and family relationships. No person wants to be deceived or betrayed.

The smaller the deception and the less bitter it is for the deceived person, the easier it is to regain trust, but it will never be the same again! If the lie is too great, a break in the relationship cannot be avoided...

Many people are forced to adhere to the principle of “Trust, but verify,” not because they are suspicious and distrustful, but because they have negative life experiences.

All children, teenagers and many young people are trusting, open to the world and naive, but only for the time being. As a person grows and matures, faced with lies and deception, learns be careful, attentive, trust not blindly, but wisely, or not trust at all.

If there are too many lies and betrayals in life, some people withdraw into themselves for a while, and others for the rest of their lives, and lose trust in people and the world. Sometimes one very traumatic event associated with deception is enough to unlearn how to trust.

It's easy to trust when you're young. To trust in adulthood, you need courage And responsibility for your own well-being, if suddenly deception does occur.

Fear of being deceived interferes with life, there is a danger of becoming too suspicious and distrustful. But such is the nature of people - “Having been burned on milk, they blow on water.” Hence “all men are assholes” and similar crude, erroneous stereotypes.

However, without the ability to overcome fear and “dive headlong” into a new relationship, it is impossible to be happy! Fearing deception and lies, you can deprive yourself of the joy and fullness of life.

Distrust is tension and isolation, trust is lightness and freedom.

Basic trust and distrust in the world

Regardless of life experience, there are people who are more inclined to trust the world and who are generally distrustful. Some cannot forgive a minor offense, while others easily forgive even serious betrayal. How does this happen? Maybe trust is an innate quality?

In the middle of the last century, the American psychologist E. Erikson developed an excellent classification of human age-related crises. This classification is already a classic, but extremely popular.

According to Erikson, the very first stage of human development, from birth to 1 year of age, is marked critical conflict of “trust - mistrust in the world.” This conflict is most relevant in the first months, but is present throughout life.

"Can I trust the world?" - this is the very first unconscious question of a new person, which can become relevant in other periods of life.

If a child under the age of one year receives support, satisfaction of needs and love from his mother, he learns to trust and is formed basic trust in the world; if deprivation, inconsistency, lack of support and love are observed, a basic mistrust to the world.

Learn to trust– the task of developing not only the emerging personality of a new person, but also the life of individual relationships. They are born, live and die in the same way, the only difference is how long they live: a couple of weeks or as long as the person himself is alive.

The first thing people try to understand at the beginning of a relationship is whether they can trust each other. Everything else - sympathy, respect, intimacy, freedom of expression and so on - comes after. You won’t even want to start a conversation with a person who inspires mistrust.

To inspire trust, you need to accept a person for who he is and love him (in the broad sense of the word).

The trouble is that it is better not to trust a subject who does not trust. If he himself does not dare to trust, cannot be completely open, sincere and honest, there is a possibility that such a person admits the possibility of being deceived or will not miss the opportunity to deceive.

How to restore trust in a relationship

To be betrayed by the closest and most beloved person, the one to whom you open up in body and soul, is one of life’s most difficult tests.

Trust is the foundation of a happy relationship. When there is a small “crack” in the foundation, “repair” is possible, but if it is huge, the relationship collapses.

If you remember that the most common cause of divorce in our time is adultery, you can realize the value of trust.

Trust and fidelity in marriage are more important than love and passion!

It’s not for nothing that the words “trust” and “loyalty” have the same root. Trust in love is the ability not only to believe, but also to remain faithful.

Treason- This is a severe psychological trauma and a fatal mistake in a relationship. It is almost impossible to regain trust after betrayal, simply because it is impossible to forget about betrayal...

Of course, betrayal is not the only reason for mistrust between spouses; relationships are also destroyed by any other forms of betrayal and lies:

jealousy,
inconsistency between words and actions and vice versa;
failure to keep promises;
failure to comply with duties;
hiding facts and so on.

Efforts, which must be attached, to regain trust beloved/favorite:

Determine fact that caused mistrust (action or inaction, words or silence).
Set the truth. This is very difficult to do, and not only because it is unlikely to be possible to look at the situation objectively, but also because most often both partners are to blame. After all, something in the behavior of your loved one prompted you to lie? However, be that as it may, if a lie was discovered, you will have to reveal it to the end and tell the honest truth. It is a big mistake to hide lies behind new lies.
Give up the urge to blame your partner in what happened. If the goal is to “regain trust,” you will have to forget about selfishness and the desire to prove that you are right. It is important to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and understand that they are even worse off.
Repent for what you have done. Whatever the reason for deception and betrayal, they cannot be justified. You need to realize your mistake.
Sincerely, without making excuses ask for forgiveness for lying. Then talk about your desire to maintain the relationship, your feelings and attitude towards your partner.
Don't put pressure on your partner. You should not expect that the offended loved one will immediately forgive and forget everything. You may have to come back and ask for forgiveness more than once. At the same time, there is a danger of anger and indignation: “I’m on my knees here, but they don’t want to forgive me, such a good person!” You need to be patient and forget about pride.
Long time regain trust through actions. You need to understand that even if you manage to hear “I forgive you!” and it is unlikely that it will be possible to preserve the relationship, to restore trust once and for all and to the same level at which it was before the deception.

When trust is lost, words do not help; actions and deeds are needed that can restore it. You will have to periodically confirm and maintain your loved one’s confidence that he can trust. In fact, you have to build relationships again.

The same algorithm of actions will help people who want to regain the trust of a friend, partner, child, parent, or other close and significant person.

Self-Reflection Questions

It is extremely difficult to regain trust after a lie and is only possible if the partner who has lost trust wants it and if he sees the point in continuing such a relationship.

To prevent a lie from becoming fatal, both the deceiver and the deceived will have to understand themselves.

Questions to think about deceived:

Will I be able to keep my word and not make such mistakes again?
How do I feel about my partner?
Why and why do I want to regain trust?
What is partner trust? What caused it before?
What actions could restore trust?
Am I ready to work to regain trust?

Questions for deceived partner:

After the answers have been found and the emotions have more or less subsided, you need to make contact with your partner, start a conversation and turn it into a sincere but calm one. conversation heart-to-heart. You can also discuss questions for self-analysis, asking your partner to answer them.

Sincerity and honesty between partners will help sort out the relationship and gradually restore trust.

Do you often lie to your loved ones?

We trust people who know how to keep their word. As a rule, trust in a person does not come immediately; it takes months and years to acquire trust. In some cases, a person is specially tested in order to practically observe how he behaves in certain situations.

It is known that trust is “earned” long and hard, but it is easy to lose. Each person has his own subjective “credibility”. One can tolerate the lack of commitment of his partner for quite a long period of time, each time explaining his behavior to himself and feeling pity for him. And the other immediately breaks off the relationship if he has been deceived or let down at least once.

Once trust is lost, it is very difficult to regain. Rather, trust cannot be regained. If a person has turned away and really stopped trusting his acquaintance or loved one, starting a relationship again for him means constantly being tormented by suspicions. Such acute emotional experiences can be experienced either by those who are very dependent or by those who love very much.

The experience of losing trust in another significant person is very strong.

A woman marries a second time, a second child is born. And after some time, the second husband leaves the family. She is left alone with two children. She evaluates the departure of her second husband as a betrayal on his part. She says this about him: “I trusted him, he wanted a second child, and now how can I trust people?! He betrayed me!"

In order to avoid getting into a difficult situation associated with loss of trust, it is necessary to develop psychological defense in building vital relationships with people.

It is necessary to try to be a relatively independent person, avoiding relationships built on the mechanism of overdependence.

If you feel a hidden danger to yourself, it is important to discuss with your partner the reasons for your anxiety in a timely manner and never take excessive risks. A person who loves you will always find solutions that do not bring you pain or disappointment. If you take a risk consciously, it is important to know what you will pay for this risk - possible future loneliness, difficult experiences or a decrease in your standard of living. In any case, you must take care of yourself and your peace of mind in advance.

Of course, if you seek communication and contacts with people who are reliable, balanced and predictable in their decisions and actions, to a certain extent you will be protected from unexpected “surprises” of your friends and loved ones.

But! We can also avoid strong feelings due to the stress of loss of trust if we try to correctly understand the people themselves and the reasons for their actions. Let us analyze the example described above from these positions.

You fell in love with a cheerful, enthusiastic person. It was always interesting to be with him; with his sparkling emotionality he infected you and everyone around. You married him. A child was born. And then, after 4 years, he unexpectedly leaves the family. Betrayal? Yes and no. The fact is that emotional people often commit spontaneous, unpredictable actions. They do not always understand themselves, get tired of monotony and monotony, and do not calculate the consequences of their decisions. In general, they live according to their mood. Therefore, if you are with an emotional person, expect “surprises”. However, for some reason a calm, rational and calculating person did not attract your attention? Your choice was fraught with risk. Then who is to blame for this? Your choice is your risk!

Yes, my husband left the family. But the reasons for his departure could be different and very far from betrayal. Perhaps he sincerely wanted to have a child, but was not psychologically ready for it. When your worries focused only on the little man, he felt unwanted and “abandoned.” It is also possible that he was afraid of the responsibility, the possible burden, and went into a “free life”, trying to gain maturity. It is also possible that he had a rather typical “mid-life crisis” for men and much more. It is better to understand the motives of an action than to accuse someone of betrayal.