How to build a relationship with your daughter. Relationship with adult daughter. Active active mother

It is generally accepted that there is a special emotional connection between mother and daughter, thanks to which the two closest people understand and feel each other without any problems. In fact mother-daughter relationship not always so warm and cloudless. Often between them there are disagreements, misunderstandings, leading to serious conflicts. Some of the fair sex openly show their true feelings and do not hide problems in their relationship with their mother, while others pretend that everything is in order. So what is the reason for the disagreement between two close people?

Causes of disagreement between mother and daughter

It is impossible to improve relations with a daughter without understanding why they have deteriorated. Psychologists say that the reasons relationship problems most often lie in the childhood of an already matured daughter.

assimilation

Often situations arise when a woman who has given birth to a daughter completely likens her to herself, considering the child an inseparable part of herself and her continuation. And since the daughter is a continuation of the mother, then life, habits, tastes, interests - everything should be with her, like her mother. On this basis, scandals and quarrels arise. Mothers make a fatal mistake, forgetting that a daughter is a separate, independent person, an individual and a person who has the right to her own opinion, worldview and free choice.

Mother's advice #1. You should not liken your daughter to yourself, impose your interests and tastes on her. The sooner a woman realizes that her daughter is an independent, free person, able to make decisions on her own and bear responsibility for them, the better her relationship will develop with her. A daughter is not obliged to fulfill her mother's unfulfilled dreams, to go to study where her mother wants, to marry someone she approves. Respect for the rights of the child is the first step towards mutual understanding.

Constant criticism and rivalry

What mother does not want her daughter to be well, happy and successful? But at the same time, it often happens that a daughter constantly hears only one criticism from her mother. Everything the daughter does is wrong. She chooses dishes incorrectly, cooks borscht incorrectly, dresses incorrectly, and so on. The mother criticizes everything: her daughter's lifestyle, her friends, the music she listens to, which she buys. It is worth the daughter to make a mistake, as the mother will immediately insert her favorite: “I told you!”.

Mother's advice #2. It is necessary to learn to respect the choice of the daughter and accept it, no matter what. A mother can say about her attitude to a particular act committed by her daughter, express her opinion, but not put pressure on her. An adult daughter will listen and independently make a decision that seems right to her, and she alone will be responsible for her actions. You need to try to put yourself in the place of your daughter and feel the situation: why she does this, what advantages and benefits the thing she bought has, what positive emotions the daughter does. Words of support instead of constant criticism will make the relationship with your daughter much stronger.

Violation of the boundaries of family life

Most often, problems in relationship with adult daughter arise when a mother interferes in her family life, tries to control her daughter, dictate to her how to behave with her husband, how to communicate with other family members. She sometimes unknowingly stirs up conflicts in her daughter's family. At the same time, he always emphasizes his superiority and absolute rightness.

Mother's advice #3. It is impossible to violate the boundaries of what is permitted, the family life of a daughter is her personal space, her world, in which no one has the right to interfere. Maternal support and love is very important for a daughter. But, besides love, there must be respect, without which it is impossible to build a warm relationship.

With age, people's habits, their beliefs, psychological attitudes and views on a particular situation it becomes almost impossible to change. If for some reason your relationship with your daughter collapsed before adulthood, then the opportunity to fix it disappears as she grows up.

And there is another situation, everything seemed to be going well, the relationship was wonderful, but now the daughter has matured, found a young man and became very independent. And suddenly mutual understanding disappeared, incomprehensible conflicts, mutual reproaches and discontent began.

Anyway, but the older a person becomes, the stronger his independence from parents and in particular from the mother.

origins

No wonder the first serious conflicts happen at a very early age, 2-3 years. It is then that the child realizes for the first time that he and his mother are not one. That he has his own opinion and, most importantly, the ability to do as he wants. And the older the child becomes, the further he moves away in his desire to do as he needs only from his mother.

An adult daughter, who has begun to build her life, and maybe already her family, begins to establish her own rules, in which it is more comfortable and convenient for her to exist. These rules may be fundamentally different from the rules established by her mother, or they may be completely copied, but with the transfer of the object and subject of control to members of her family only.

This is what causes the most misunderstandings and disputes and hinders. Mom, continuing to consider the child a part of her family, tries to impose her own rules and her experience on him, consciously or unconsciously demanding obedience to them. The daughter, considering herself the mistress of her life, is trying to get rid of this pressure. The more the first demands, the more the second resists.. The matter may come to the end of any relationship.

The most dangerous topics:

• Choosing a profession or place of work.
• Choice of social circle.
• Housekeeping.
• Relationship with the daughter's beloved man.
• Parenting.

What to do?

To begin with, mothers, as more experienced and wise, should realize the fact of his daughter's independence and to recognize that her life does not require interference without her own permission or request. Undoubtedly, in most cases, having traveled a much longer and richer path in life, you could help your daughter make the right decision. But do not forget that her life and world are not always obvious, they are very different from yours and you can't know all the nuances of the situation that she knows or feels. In addition, life does not stand still and what was good yesterday is not necessarily good today.

On the other hand, the daughter needs to understand that her mother really wealth of knowledge and understanding life and he really will help in many cases.. In addition, a mother always wants the best for her child, which means, at a minimum, her advice and interventions in life should be taken with attention, and not irritation.

Very conducive building a relationship with an adult daughter separate residential assistance, surprisingly. The less the worlds of two different families touch, the less reason to sort things out.

Be that as it may, in order to build a relationship with an adult daughter need to talk. And these conversations should not be instructive and educational, but of an interested character. Let her make her own decisions and choices what makes her life, from her point of view, more harmonious and fulfilling, and she herself will turn to you for advice.

Good afternoon
I am 59 years old, my daughter is 33 years old. Now we live separately, but the relationship has always been very difficult. I would like a calm trusting relationship, but there are only claims on her part. If you ask how you are, he will answer that I don’t need to know, leave me alone. If you do not ask, resentment that I am not interested. Finding fault with everything, not liking what I do, what I say.
I try not to interfere in her life, she regards it as my selfishness and dislike.
Please advise what to do. I love her and want to be there, but she pushes me away. Relationships with friends and husband are about the same.
She needs support and help now, she has a baby, but I do not know how to behave with her.

Hello Svetlana!

This is how people who have received psychological trauma behave in their time. And, of course, the best thing for your daughter is to seek the help of a qualified psychologist. But, of course, she must make this decision on her own, you can only offer her to do it.

Svetlana, tell your daughter more often that you love her, that you are there, ready to support her when she needs it. However, you cannot guess when she will need your help and support. To do this, the daughter just needs to ask you for help.

And remember, the happiness of a person depends only on the person himself. Only she can make your daughter happy. And if she does not accept something, does not hear something or does not want to hear - this is her right. As well as her right to be offended by you for no reason. Your job is to accept her for who she is and love her no matter what. And, of course, the most important task of every person is to be happy, which I sincerely wish you!

All the best!

Perfilyeva Inna Yurievna, psychologist in Rostov-on-Don

Svetlana! Your daughter is the way she is, and according to your desire, it is impossible to change her radically, because these are her problems. If she also sees difficulties in this, then this can be done by working with her. If she does not have such a need, then the situation can be corrected through you, but only partially. True, much can be done here. The first point - it is worth considering that they behave with us as we allow them to behave with us. If you go to her this way and that, but it's not the same for her. So you need to forget about it and lead it as you consider it necessary. Because if we start doing everything for a person, and as if we dissolve in it, then usually he does not appreciate it, and starts to find fault more. If you become a more confident person with good self-esteem. then you will give a different reaction to her attacks, and what worked before will stop working for her and she will also begin to change for the better on my website there are articles on self-confidence. Next, try to find bright and positive aspects in it, think about what is good about it. And think more that it is like that, because if we see anger and negativity in a person, then he turns to us with these sides. So gradually the relationship will begin to level off. This is the technique of resolving relationships

Afanasyeva Liliya Veniaminovna, psychologist Moscow

Svetlana, hello. The problem has been accumulating for years ... and not only you, but also your daughter should want mutual understanding. You won't be forcibly nice... and your imposition will only push you more away from your daughter. How to be? Adequately relate to the behavior of your daughter, knowing that she is like that, do not try to remake her in one conversation, but think about what neutral topics you can talk about so that this does not cause criticism from your daughter. When the daughter begins to be not worthy, then think about something else yourself or turn on elements of humor. What has accumulated over the years will not be resolved with the help of one conversation or one month, you must first of all be patient, adequately treat the situation and be consistent in your actions, then only there will be a positive result. With all my heart, I wish you - Success and all the best!!!

Igor Letuchy-psychologist, Master of Psychology, online (Skype) consultant

Question to the psychologist:

I have a very bad relationship with my adult daughter. She is already 30 years old. Has a 9 year old son. My grandson. For many years now, she has periodically offended me and called me names, remembering her childhood, our divorce from her dad. She ran away from home at the age of 12. Dad drank, there were scandals. When her father left, she returned home. Then I had to work 2 jobs. There is also a brother, my son. He is older than her by a year. She skipped school. I didn't want to study. She didn't even finish 9th grade. After a major conversation with her, she expressed a desire to work. Because she wanted to dress fashionably and beautifully. And I didn't have that much money. Then she left for Moscow. There she got married, gave birth to a child, and then came to me with an 8-month-old child. Until 1.6 years old I worked with my grandson. My daughter worked and sent money to support him and me. Divorced. From time to time the grandson was with me. Then I got married and lived for 4 years in another country. But the grandson and daughter came. Relations were normal. Now my daughter hates me and speaks directly about it. She lives with my ex-husband. She always remembers some old stories from childhood and reproaches me with them. She speaks to me from above. Names without embarrassment in expressions. My mother recently died. Her grandmother. Her daughter loved her very much. The day before my mother died, I warned her that my grandmother was bad. My daughter poured a bucket of mud on me. She blamed me for my mother's death. The fact that I married another man and therefore did not take good care of my mother. But my relationship with my mother was great. How can I build relationships?

The psychologist Grudkova Tatyana Viktorovna answers the question.

Hello Svetlana!

I understand how painful and insulting it is for you to hear reproaches from your daughter. From your story it is clear that you tried to be a good mother. Your life has been difficult. At first, the relationship with her husband did not work out. Daughter in adolescence was uncontrollable. You have worked hard. There were not enough funds. But I am sure that you did everything you could so that your children grow up to be worthy people.

When your daughter started having problems in the family, you took her child in with you, which made her life much easier. And the relationship then, as you write, was normal. Then you went to a new husband for 4 years. Relations with the daughter were still good. What happened later? You have not written anything about the reason for your quarrels.

Either way, you shouldn't blame yourself. You gave children life - this is the most important thing. For that, they should be grateful to you. Throughout life, all people make mistakes. When raising children, something turns out well, something - not very much, and for some actions there is simply not enough strength. There are no ideal mothers, and not everyone has a pedagogical talent. You did what you thought was right with your children and shared with them all that you had. If you feel like you didn't do something or did something wrong, forgive yourself for everything. And your daughter, perhaps, will understand you in time.

I do not understand the reason for your quarrels, so I will not give you specific recommendations, but I will describe the basic rules for the behavior of parents with adult children. Do you know that in any relationship you can only change yourself?

For the first 18-20 years, we teach a child to walk, talk, read, make friends, love, communicate, work, and we are responsible for his health, well-being and safety. The most important task of parents is to teach the child to live independently, that is, so that he can do without us.

When the child comes of age, the relationship should gradually become equal. A child is considered an adult when he is ready to take responsibility for his own life. At the same time, he himself chooses his life goals and tasks, as well as ways to achieve them. Parents can consider their educational mission accomplished. From this moment on, parents no longer have the right of the child to teach something, make comments, criticize, or demand something. Parents are also under no obligation to support adult children. Even if you know for sure that the child is wrong when making this or that choice in his life, he has the right to make his own mistakes.

Very often, parents cannot come to terms with the fact that their children have grown up. Many mothers find it difficult to part with the parental role, where we teach, suggest, decide for the child. When an adult child copes with his problems successfully and without our help, we feel unwanted. Life becomes empty, devoid of essential meaning.

At this time, it is important to accept the existing situation. Another stage of life passed. It is necessary to take stock and set new goals. Turn all your attention to yourself. You can take care of your personal life, sports, dancing, home comfort, image, design. You can reconnect with old friends or make new ones.