How to detect aggression in a child. Why does a child become aggressive and what to do about it? Reduced verbal aggression

What is aggressiveness?

The word "aggression" comes from the Latin "agressio", which means "attack", "attack". The psychological dictionary provides the following definition of this term: "Aggression is a motivated destructive behavior that is contrary to the norms and rules of the existence of people in society, harming the objects of attack (animate and inanimate), causing physical and moral damage to people or causing them psychological discomfort (negative experiences, a state of tension, fear, depression, etc.)".

Causes of aggression children can be very different. Certain somatic diseases or diseases of the brain contribute to the emergence of aggressive qualities. It should be noted that upbringing in the family plays a huge role, and from the first days of a child's life. Sociologist M. Mead proved that in cases where a child is abruptly weaned and communication with the mother is minimized, such qualities as anxiety, suspicion, cruelty, aggressiveness, selfishness are formed in children. And vice versa, when softness is present in communication with a child, the child is surrounded by care and attention, these qualities are not developed.

The formation of aggressive behavior is greatly influenced by the nature of the punishments that parents usually use in response to the manifestation of anger in their child. In such situations, two polar methods of influence can be used: either condescension or severity. Paradoxically, aggressive children are equally common in parents who are too soft and who are too strict.

Studies have shown that parents who drastically suppress aggressiveness in their children, contrary to their expectations, do not eliminate this quality, but, on the contrary, nurture it, developing excessive aggressiveness in their son or daughter, which will manifest itself even in adulthood. After all, everyone knows that Evil breeds only evil, and aggression - aggression.
If parents do not pay attention to the aggressive reactions of their child at all, then he very soon begins to believe that such behavior is permissible, and single outbursts of anger imperceptibly develop into a habit of acting aggressively.

Only parents who know how to find a reasonable compromise, the "golden mean", can teach their children to cope with aggression.

Portrait of an aggressive child

In almost every kindergarten group, in every class, there is at least one child with signs of aggressive behavior. He attacks other children, calls them names and beats them, takes away and breaks toys, deliberately uses rude expressions, in a word, becomes a "thunderstorm" of the entire children's team, a source of grief for educators and parents. This rough, pugnacious, rude child is very difficult to accept for who he is, and even more difficult to understand.

However, an aggressive child, like any other, needs affection and help from adults, because his aggression is, first of all, a reflection of internal discomfort, an inability to adequately respond to the events around him.

An aggressive child often feels rejected, useless. The cruelty and indifference of parents leads to a violation of the parent-child relationship and instills in the soul of the child the confidence that they do not love him. "How to become loved and needed" is an insoluble problem facing the little man. So he is looking for ways to attract the attention of adults and peers. Unfortunately, these searches do not always end as we and the child would like, but he does not know how to do better.

Here is how N.L. Kryazhev’s behavior of these children: “An aggressive child, using every opportunity, ... seeks to anger his mother, teacher, peers. He “does not calm down” until the adults explode and the children enter into a fight” (1997, p. 105).

Parents and teachers do not always understand what the child is trying to achieve and why he behaves this way, although he knows in advance that he can be rebuffed by children, and punished by adults. In reality, this is sometimes only a desperate attempt to win their "place in the sun." The child has no idea how to fight for survival in this strange and cruel world in another way, how to protect himself.

Aggressive children are very often suspicious and wary, they like to shift the blame for the quarrel they started on others. For example, while playing during a walk in the sandbox, two children of the preparatory group had a fight. Roma hit Sasha with a shovel. When asked by the teacher why he did this, Roma sincerely replied: "Sasha had a shovel in his hands, and I was very afraid that he would hit me." According to the teacher, Sasha did not show any intention to offend or hit Roma, but Roma perceived this situation as threatening.

Such children often cannot assess their aggressiveness themselves. They do not notice that they instill fear and anxiety in others. On the contrary, it seems to them that the whole world wants to offend them. Thus, a vicious circle is obtained: aggressive children are afraid and hate others, and those in turn are afraid of them.

A mini-survey was conducted among older preschoolers at the Doverie PPMS Center in the city of Lomonosov, the purpose of which was to find out how they understand aggressiveness. Here are the answers given by aggressive and non-aggressive children (Table 4).

The emotional world of aggressive children is not rich enough, gloomy tones predominate in the palette of their feelings, the number of reactions even to standard situations is very limited. Most often these are defensive reactions. In addition, children cannot look at themselves from the outside and adequately assess their behavior.

Table 4. Understanding of aggressiveness by older preschoolers

Question	Answers of aggressive children	Responses of non-aggressive children
1. What kind of people do you consider aggressive?	Mom and dad, because they swear, beat, fight (50% of the children surveyed)	Indians, bandits, hunters, because they kill people and animals (63% of boys, 80% of girls)
2. What would you do if you met an aggressive adult?	Started (a) to fight", "Hit (a) would" (83% of boys, 27% of girls), "Sprayed, dirty" (36% of girls)	I just walked past, turned away" (83% of boys, 40% of girls), "I would call my friends for help" (50% of girls)
3. What would you do if you met an aggressive boy (girl)?	I would start to fight" (92% of boys, 54% of girls), "I would run away" (36% of girls)	Would leave (la), run away (a) "(83% of boys, 50% of girls)
4. Do you consider yourself aggressive?	"No" - 88% of boys, 54% of girls "Yes" - 12% of boys, 46% of girls	"No" 92% boys, 100% girls. "Yes" - 8% of boys

Thus, children often adopt aggressive forms of behavior from their parents.

How to identify an aggressive child

Aggressive children need the understanding and support of adults, so our main task is not to make an "accurate" diagnosis, let alone "stick a label", but to provide all possible and timely assistance to the child.

As a rule, it is not difficult for educators and teachers to determine which of the children has an increased level of aggressiveness. But in controversial cases, you can use the criteria for determining aggressiveness, which were developed by American psychologists M. Alvord and P. Baker.

Aggressiveness Criteria (Child Observation Scheme)
Child:

Often loses control of himself.
Often argues, swears with adults.
Often refuses to follow the rules.
Often deliberately annoying people.
Often blames others for their mistakes.
Often gets angry and refuses to do anything.
Often envious, vengeful.
Sensitive, reacts very quickly to various actions of others (children and adults), which often irritate him.

It is possible to assume that a child is aggressive only if for at least 6 months at least 4 of the 8 listed signs were manifested in his behavior.

A child whose behavior shows a large number of signs of aggressiveness needs the help of a specialist: a psychologist or a doctor.

In addition, in order to identify aggressiveness in a child in a kindergarten group or in a classroom, you can use a special questionnaire developed for educators (Lavrentyeva G.P., Titarenko T.M., 1992).

Criteria for aggressiveness in a child (questionnaire)

At times, it seems that an evil spirit has moved into him.
He cannot remain silent when he is dissatisfied with something.
When someone harms him, he will definitely try to repay the same.
Sometimes he wants to curse for no reason.
It happens that he breaks toys with pleasure, breaks something, guts.
Sometimes he insists on something so much that others lose their patience.
He is not averse to teasing animals.
It's hard to get over him.
He gets very angry when he thinks that someone is playing a joke on him.
Sometimes he has a desire to do something bad, shocking others.
In response to the usual orders tends to do the opposite.
Often grouchy beyond his age.
He perceives himself as independent and decisive.
He likes to be the first, to command, to subjugate others.
Failures cause him strong irritation, a desire to find the guilty ones.
Easily quarrels, gets into a fight.
Tries to communicate with the younger and physically weaker.
He has frequent bouts of gloomy irritability.
Does not consider peers, does not concede, does not share.
I am confident that any task will perform best.

A positive response to each proposed statement is worth 1 point.
High aggressiveness - 15-20 points.
Average aggressiveness -7-14 points.
Low aggressiveness -1-6 points.

We present these criteria so that the educator or teacher, having identified an aggressive child, can later develop his own strategy of behavior with him, help him adapt in the children's team.

How to help an aggressive child

Why do you think children fight, bite and push, and sometimes, in response to any, even benevolent, treatment, "explode" and rage?

There can be many reasons for this behavior. But often children do just that because they do not know how to do otherwise. Unfortunately, their behavioral repertoire is quite limited, and if we give them the opportunity to choose ways to behave, children will gladly respond to the offer, and our communication with them will become more effective and enjoyable for both parties.

This advice (giving you a choice of how to interact) is especially relevant when it comes to aggressive children. Job educators and teachers with this category of children should be carried out in three directions:

Dealing with anger. Teaching aggressive children acceptable ways to express anger.
Teaching children the skills of recognition and control, the ability to control themselves in situations that provoke outbursts of anger.
Formation of the ability for empathy, trust, sympathy, empathy, etc.

Dealing with Anger

What is anger? This is a feeling of intense resentment, which is accompanied by a loss of control over oneself. Unfortunately, in our culture, it is generally accepted that the expression of anger is an unworthy reaction. Already in childhood, we are instilled with this idea by adults - parents, grandparents, teachers. However, psychologists do not recommend holding back this emotion every time, because in this way we can become a kind of "piggy bank of anger." In addition, having driven anger inside, a person, most likely, sooner or later will still feel the need to throw it out. But not on the one who caused this feeling, but on the “turned up under the arm” or on the one who is weaker and will not be able to fight back. Even if we try hard and do not succumb to the seductive way of "eruption" of anger, our "piggy bank", replenished day by day with new negative emotions, one day can still "burst". And not necessarily this will end in hysteria and screams. Negative feelings that break free can “settle” inside us, which will lead to various somatic problems: headaches, stomach and cardiovascular diseases. K. Izard (1999) publishes clinical data obtained by Holt, which indicate that a person who constantly suppresses his anger is more at risk of psychosomatic disorders. According to Holt, unexpressed anger can be one of the causes of diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis, urticaria, psoriasis, stomach ulcers, migraine, hypertension, etc.

That is why anger must be released. Of course, this does not mean that everyone is allowed to fight and bite. It's just that we have to learn and teach children how to express anger in acceptable, non-destructive ways.
Since the feeling of anger most often arises as a result of restriction of freedom, then at the moment of the highest "heat of passions" it is necessary to allow the child to do something that, perhaps, is usually not welcomed by us. And here much depends on the form in which - verbal or physical - the child expresses his anger.

For example, in a situation where a child is angry with a peer and calls him names, you can draw the offender together with him, depict him in the form and in the situation in which the "offended" wants. If the child knows how to write, you can let him sign the drawing as he wants, if he does not know how, make a signature under his dictation. Of course, such work should be carried out one on one with the child, out of sight of the opponent.

This method of working with verbal aggression is recommended by V. Oklender. In her book "Windows to the World of a Child" (M., 1997), she describes her own experience of applying this approach. After such work, preschool children (6-7 years old) usually experience relief.

True, in our society such "free" communication is not welcome, especially the use of swear words and expressions by children in the presence of adults. But as practice shows, without expressing everything that has accumulated in the soul and on the tongue, the child will not calm down. Most likely, he will shout insults in the face of his "enemy", provoking him to retaliate and attracting more and more "spectators". As a result, the conflict of two children will develop into a group or even a violent fight.

Perhaps a child not satisfied with the current situation, who for one reason or another is afraid to enter into open opposition, but nevertheless longs for revenge, will choose another path: he will persuade his peers not to play with the offender. This behavior works like a time bomb. Inevitably, a group conflict will flare up, only it will "mature" longer and cover a larger number of participants. The method proposed by V. Oklander can help to avoid many troubles and will contribute to the resolution of the conflict situation.

Example
The preparatory group of the kindergarten was attended by two girlfriends - two Alena: Alena S. and Alena E. They were inseparable from the nursery group, but, nevertheless, they cursed endlessly and even fought. Once, when the psychologist entered the group, he saw that Alena S., not listening to her teacher, who was trying to calm her down, was throwing everything that came to her hand and shouting that she hated everyone. The arrival of a psychologist was most welcome. Alena S., who was very fond of entering the psychological office, "let herself be taken away."
In the psychologist's office, she was given the opportunity to choose her own occupation. First, she took a huge inflatable mallet and began to hit the walls and floor with all her might, then she pulled out two rattles from the toy box and began to rattle them with delight. Alena did not answer the psychologist's questions about what happened and with whom she was angry, but she agreed with pleasure to the offer to draw together. The psychologist drew a big house, and the girl exclaimed: "I know, this is our kindergarten!"

No further help from an adult was needed: Alena began to draw and explain her drawings. First, a sandbox appeared, in which small figures were located - the children of the group. Nearby there was a flower bed, a house, a gazebo. The girl drew more and more small details, as if delaying the moment when it would be necessary to draw something important for her. After some time, she drew a swing and said: "That's it. I don't want to draw anymore." However, after wandering around the office, she again went to the sheet and painted on the swing a little, very little girl. When asked by a psychologist who it was, Alena at first answered that she did not know herself, but then she added, thinking: "This is Alena E .. Let her ride. I allow her." Then she painted the dress of her rival for a long time, first drew a bow in her hair, and then even a crown on her head, while explaining how good and kind Alena E. is. But then the artist suddenly stopped and gasped: “Ah!!! Alena fell off the swing! What will happen now? they will scold her today, and maybe even beat her with a belt and put her in a corner. The crown fell off, rolled into the bushes (the painted golden crown suffers the same fate as the dress). Fu, face is dirty, nose is broken (everything is painted over with a red pencil face), her hair was disheveled (instead of a neat pigtail with a bow, a halo of black scribbles appears in the figure). She was fooling, who would play with her, with such a one now? So she should! "I also know how to command. Let her go wash now, and we are not as dirty as she is, we will all play together, without her." Alena, quite satisfied, draws next to the defeated enemy a group of children surrounding the swing on which she, Alena S., sits. Then she suddenly draws another figure next to her. "This is Alena E .. She has already washed up," she explains and asks, "Can I go to the group already?" Probably, during the walk, two inseparable Alenas, as always, fought for leadership.This time, the sympathies of the "spectators" were on the side of Alena E. Having expressed her anger on paper, her rival calmed down and resigned herself to what was happening.

Of course, in this situation it was possible to use another method, the main thing is that the child gets the opportunity in an acceptable way to get rid of the anger that overwhelms him.

Another way to help children legally express verbal aggression is to play the game of name-calling with them. Experience shows that children who have the opportunity to throw out negative emotions with the permission of the teacher, and after that they hear something pleasant about themselves, have a reduced desire to act aggressively.

The so-called "Screaming Pouch" (in other cases - "Screaming Cup", "Magic Trumpet "Scream", etc.) can help children express anger in an accessible way, and the teacher can easily conduct a lesson. Before the start of the lesson, every child who wishes can come up to the "Screaming Bag" and scream into it as loudly as possible. Thus, he "gets rid" of his cry for the duration of the lesson. After the lesson, children can "pick up" their cry back. Usually, at the end of the lesson, children with jokes and laughter leave the contents of the "Bag" to the teacher as a keepsake.

In the arsenal of every teacher, of course, there are many ways to work with verbal manifestations of anger. We have listed only those that have proven effective in our practice. However, children are not always limited to verbal (verbal) reactions to events. Very often, impulsive children first use their fists, and only then come up with offensive words. In such cases, we should also teach children to deal with their physical aggression.

An educator or teacher, seeing that the children are "opened up" and are ready to join the "battle", can instantly react and organize, for example, sports competitions in running, jumping, throwing balls. Moreover, offenders can be included in one team or be in rival teams. It depends on the situation and the depth of the conflict. At the end of the competition, it is best to have a group discussion during which each child will be able to express the feelings that accompany him during the task.

Of course, holding competitions and relay races is not always advisable. In this case, you can use the tools at hand, which you need to equip each group of the kindergarten and each class. Light balls that a child can throw at a target; soft pillows that an angry child can kick, beat; rubber mallets, which can be used with all their might to hit the wall and floor; Newspapers that can be crumpled and tossed without fear of smashing or destroying anything can all help reduce emotional and muscle tension if we teach children how to use them in emergency situations.

It is clear that in the classroom during a lesson, a child cannot kick a tin can if he was pushed by a neighbor on his desk. But each student can start, for example, "Leaf of anger" (Fig. 2). Usually it is a format sheet, which depicts some funny monster with a huge trunk, long ears or eight legs (at the discretion of the author). The owner of the leaf at the moment of the greatest emotional stress can crush, break it. This option is suitable if a fit of anger seized the child during the lesson.

However, most often conflict situations arise at breaks. Then you can have group games with children (some of them are described in the section "How to play with aggressive children"). Well, in a kindergarten group, it is desirable to have something like this arsenal of toys: inflatable dolls, rubber hammers, toy weapons.

True, many adults do not want their children to play with pistols, rifles and sabers, even toys. Some mothers do not buy weapons for their sons at all, and educators forbid bringing them to the group. It seems to adults that games with weapons provoke children to aggressive behavior, contribute to the appearance and manifestation of cruelty.

However, it is no secret to anyone that even if the boys do not have pistols and machine guns, most of them will still play war, using rulers, sticks, clubs, tennis rackets instead of toy weapons. The image of a male warrior, living in the imagination of every boy, is impossible without the weapon that adorns him. Therefore, from century to century, from year to year, our children (and not always just boys) play war. And who knows, maybe this is a harmless way to vent your anger. In addition, everyone knows that it is the forbidden fruit that is especially sweet. By persistently banning gun games, we thereby contribute to arousing interest in this type of game. Well, for those parents who still oppose pistols, machine guns, bayonets, we can advise: let them try to offer their child a worthy alternative. Suddenly it works! Moreover, there are many ways to work with anger and relieve the physical stress of the child. For example, games with sand, water, clay.

From clay, you can mold a figure of your offender (or you can even scratch his name with something sharp), break it, crumple it, flatten it between your palms, and then restore it if you wish. Moreover, it is precisely the fact that a child, at his own request, can destroy and restore his work, and attracts children most of all.

Playing with sand, as well as with clay, is also very popular with the children. Angry at someone, the child can bury a figurine symbolizing the enemy deep in the sand, jump in this place, pour water there, cover it with cubes, sticks. For this purpose, children often use small toys from Kinder Surprises. And sometimes they first put the figurine in a capsule and only after that they bury it.

Burying and digging toys, working with loose sand, the child gradually calms down, returns to games in a group or invites peers to play in the sand with him, but in other, completely non-aggressive games. Thus the world is restored.

Small water pools located in the kindergarten group are a real find for the teacher when working with all categories of children, especially aggressive ones.
Many good books have been written about the psychotherapeutic properties of water, and every adult probably knows how to use water to relieve aggression and excessive tension in children. Here are some examples water games that the children have come up with.

With one rubber ball, knock down other balls floating on the water.
Blow the boat out of the pipe. First, drown, and then watch how a light plastic figure "jumps" out of the water.
Shoot down light toys that are in the water with a jet of water (for this you can use shampoo bottles filled with water).

We have considered the first direction in work with aggressive children, which can be conditionally called "work with anger". I would like to note that anger does not necessarily lead to aggression, but the more often a child or adult experiences feelings of anger, the higher the likelihood of various forms of aggressive behavior.

Teaching skills to recognize and control negative emotions
The next very responsible and no less important area is teaching the skills to recognize and control negative emotions. Not always an aggressive child admits that he is aggressive. Moreover, in the depths of his soul, he is sure of the opposite: that everyone around is aggressive. Unfortunately, such children cannot always adequately assess their condition, and even more so the condition of those around them.
As noted above, the emotional world of aggressive children is very poor. They can hardly name just a few basic emotional states, and they do not even assume the existence of others (or their shades). It is not difficult to guess that in this case it is difficult for children to recognize their own and other people's emotions.

To train the skill of recognizing emotional states, you can use cutting templates, sketches by M.I. Chistyakova (1990), exercises and games developed by N.L. Kryazheva (1997), as well as large tables and posters depicting various emotional states.

In the group or class where such a poster is located, the children will definitely come up to it before the start of classes and indicate their condition, even if the teacher does not ask them about it, since each of them is pleased to draw the attention of an adult to themselves.

You can teach children to follow the reverse procedure: to come up with the names of the emotional states depicted on the poster. Children must indicate what mood the funny little men are in.

Another way to teach a child to recognize his emotional state and develop the need to talk about it is drawing. Children can be asked to make drawings on the topics: "When I am angry", "When I am happy", "When I am happy", etc. To this end, place on an easel (or just on a large sheet on the wall) pre-drawn figures of people depicted in various situations, but without traced faces. Then the child can, if desired, come up and complete the drawing.

In order for children to be able to correctly assess their condition, and at the right time to manage it, it is necessary to teach each child to understand himself, and above all - the sensations of his body. First, you can practice in front of a mirror: let the child say what mood he is in at the moment and how he feels. Children are very sensitive to the signals of their body and easily describe them. For example, if a child is angry, he most often defines his condition as follows: “Heart is pounding, it tickles in the stomach, I want to scream in my throat, it’s as if needles are pricked in my fingers, my cheeks are hot, my palms itch, etc.”

We can teach children to accurately assess the emotional state, and therefore, to respond in time to the signals that the body gives us. Director of the film "Denis the Menace" Dave Rogers many times throughout the action draws the attention of the audience to the hidden signal that the protagonist of the film, six-year-old Denis, gives. Every time, before the boy is mischievous, we see his restless running fingers, which the cameraman shows in close-up. Then we see the "burning" eyes of the child, and only after that another prank follows.

Thus, the child, if he correctly "decodes" the message of his body, he will be able to understand: "My condition is close to critical. Wait for the storm." And if the child also knows several acceptable ways to express anger, he can have time to make the right decision, thereby preventing conflict.

Of course, teaching a child to recognize his emotional state and manage it will be successful only if it is carried out systematically, day after day, for a fairly long time.

In addition to the methods of work already described, the teacher can use others: to talk with the child, draw and, of course, play. The section "How to play with aggressive children" describes the games recommended in such situations, but I would like to talk about one of them in more detail.

For the first time we got acquainted with this game by reading the book by K. Fopel "How to teach children to cooperate" (M., 1998). It's called "Pebble in the Shoe". At first, the game seemed to us quite difficult for preschoolers, and we offered it to teachers in grades 1-2 to play during extracurricular activities. However, feeling the children's interest and serious attitude to the game, we tried to play it in kindergarten. I liked the game. Moreover, very soon it moved from the category of games to the category of daily rituals, the conduct of which became absolutely necessary for the successful course of life in the group.

It is useful to play this game when one of the children is offended, angry, upset, when internal experiences prevent the child from doing business, when a conflict in the group is brewing. Each participant has the opportunity during the game to verbalize, that is, to express in words, his state, and to inform others about it. This helps to reduce his emotional stress. If there are several instigators of the brewing conflict, they will be able to hear about each other's feelings and experiences, which, perhaps, will help smooth the situation.

The game takes place in two stages.

Stage 1 (preparatory). Children sit in a circle on the carpet. The teacher asks: "Guys, did it happen that a pebble fell into your shoe?" Usually children are very active in answering the question, since almost every child of 6-7 years old has a similar life experience. Around the circle, everyone shares their impressions of how it happened. As a rule, the answers boil down to the following: “At first, the pebble does not interfere very much, we try to move it away, find a comfortable position for the leg, but pain and discomfort gradually increase, a wound or callus may even appear. And then, even if we really don’t want to, we you have to take off your shoe and shake out the pebble. It is almost always quite tiny, and we even wonder how such a small object could cause us such great pain. It seemed to us that there was a huge stone with razor-sharp edges."

Next, the teacher asks the children: "Did it happen that you didn’t shake out the pebble, but when you came home, you just took off your shoes?" Children answer that this has already happened to many. Then the pain subsided in the leg freed from the boot, the incident was forgotten. But the next morning, putting our foot into the boot, we suddenly felt a sharp pain, in contact with the ill-fated pebble. Pain, moreover, stronger than the day before, resentment, anger - these are the feelings usually experienced by children. So a small problem becomes a big problem.

Stage 2. The teacher tells the children: “When we are angry, preoccupied, excited about something, we perceive it as a small pebble in a shoe. If we immediately feel uncomfortable, pull it out of there, then the leg will remain unharmed. we are likely to have problems, and a lot of them.Therefore, it is useful for all people - both adults and children - to talk about their problems as soon as they notice them.

Let's agree: if one of you says: "I have a pebble in my shoe", we will all immediately understand that something is bothering you, and we can talk about it. Think about whether you feel any displeasure right now, something that would interfere with you. If you feel, tell us, for example: "I have a stone in my shoe. I don't like that Oleg breaks my constructions from cubes." Tell me what else you don't like. If nothing bothers you, you can say: "I don't have a pebble in my shoe."

Children in a circle tell what is preventing them at the moment, describe their feelings. Separate "pebbles" that the children will talk about, it is useful to discuss in a circle. In this case, each participant in the game offers a peer who is in a difficult situation a way to get rid of the "pebble".

After playing this game several times, children later feel the need to talk about their problems. In addition, the game helps the teacher to freely conduct the learning process. After all, if children are worried about something, this “something” will not allow them to sit quietly in class and perceive information. If the children get the opportunity to speak out, "let off steam", then you can safely start classes. The game "Pebble in the Shoe" is especially useful for anxious children. First, if played daily, even a very shy child will get used to and gradually begin to talk about their difficulties (since this is not a new or dangerous activity, but a familiar and repetitive activity). Secondly, an anxious child, listening to stories about peer problems, will understand that he is not the only one suffering from fears, insecurities, resentments. It turns out that other children have the same problems as him. So, he is the same as everyone else, not worse than everyone else. No need to withdraw into yourself, because any, even the most difficult situation, can be resolved through joint efforts. And the children who surround him are not at all evil and are always ready to help.

When the child learns to recognize his own emotions and talk about them, you can move on to the next stage of work.

Formation of the ability to empathy, trust, sympathy, empathy

Aggressive children tend to have low levels of empathy. Empathy is the ability to feel the state of another person, the ability to take his position. Aggressive children most often do not care about the suffering of others, they cannot even imagine that other people can feel unpleasant and bad. It is believed that if the aggressor can sympathize with the "victim", his aggression next time will be weaker. Therefore, the work of a teacher in developing a child's sense of empathy is so important.

One of the forms of such work can be a role-playing game, during which the child gets the opportunity to put himself in the place of others, to evaluate his behavior from the outside. For example, if there was a quarrel or a fight in the group, you can analyze this situation in a circle by inviting the Kitten and the Tiger Cub or any literary heroes known to the children to visit. In front of the children, the guests act out a quarrel similar to the one that occurred in the group, and then ask the children to reconcile them. Children offer different ways to get out of the conflict. You can divide the guys into two groups, one of which speaks on behalf of the Tiger Cub, the other on behalf of the Kitten. You can give children the opportunity to choose for themselves whose position they would like to take and whose interests to protect. Whatever specific form of role-playing you choose, it is important that in the end, children will acquire the ability to take the position of another person, recognize his feelings and experiences, and learn how to behave in difficult life situations. A general discussion of the problem will help to unite the children's team and establish a favorable psychological climate in the group.

During such discussions, you can play out other situations that most often cause conflicts in the team: how to react if a friend does not give you the toy you need, what to do if you are teased, what to do if you are pushed and you fall, etc. Purposeful and patient work in this direction will help the child to be more understanding of the feelings and actions of others and learn to adequately relate to what is happening.

In addition, you can invite children to organize a theater by asking them to act out certain situations, for example: "How Malvina quarreled with Pinocchio." However, before showing any scene, the children should discuss why the characters in the tale behaved in one way or another. It is necessary that they try to put themselves in the place of fairy-tale characters and answer the questions: "What did Pinocchio feel when Malvina put him in a closet?", "What did Malvina feel when she had to punish Pinocchio?" and etc.

Such conversations will help children realize how important it is to be in the place of a rival or offender in order to understand why he acted the way he did and not otherwise. By learning to empathize with the people around him, an aggressive child will be able to get rid of the suspicion and suspiciousness that cause so much trouble to both the "aggressor" himself and those who are close to him. And as a result, he will learn to take responsibility for his actions, and not shift the blame on others.

True, adults working with an aggressive child will also do well to get rid of the habit of blaming him for all mortal sins. For example, if a child throws toys in anger, you can, of course, say to him: "You are a scoundrel! You are nothing but problems. You always prevent all children from playing!" But it is unlikely that such a statement will reduce the emotional stress of the "scoundrel." On the contrary, a child who is already sure that no one needs him and the whole world is against him will become even more angry. In this case, it is much more useful to tell the child about your feelings, using the pronoun "I" rather than "you." For example, instead of "Why didn't you put the toys away?", you can say: "I get upset when the toys are scattered."

Thus, you do not blame the child for anything, do not threaten him, do not even give an assessment of his behavior. You talk about yourself, about your feelings. As a rule, such a reaction of an adult first shocks the child, who expects a hail of reproaches against him, and then arouses in him a sense of trust. There is an opportunity for a constructive dialogue.

Working with parents of an aggressive child

When working with aggressive children, the educator or teacher must first establish contact with the family. He can either give recommendations to parents himself, or in a tactful manner suggest that they seek help from psychologists.

There are situations when contact with the mother or father cannot be established. In such cases, we recommend using visual information that can be placed in the parent corner. Table 5 below is an example of such information.

Such a table or other visual information can be a starting point for parents to think about their child, about the causes of negative behavior. And these reflections, in turn, may lead to cooperation with educators and with the teacher.

Table 5 Parenting styles (in response to the child's aggressive actions)

Parenting strategy	Specific Strategy Examples	Child behavior style	Why is the child doing this?
Abrupt suppression of aggressive behavior of the child	Stop!" "Don't you dare say that" Parents punish the child	Aggressive (Child may stop now but will vent negative emotions at another time and place)	The child copies the parents and learns from them aggressive forms of behavior
Ignoring the child's aggressive outbursts	Parents pretend not to notice the child's aggression or believe that the child is still small	Aggressive (Child continues to act aggressively)	The child thinks that he is doing everything right, and aggressive forms of behavior are fixed in a character trait.
Parents give the child the opportunity to throw out aggression in an acceptable way and in a tactful way forbid to behave aggressively towards others.	If parents see that the child is angry, they can involve him in a game that will remove his anger. Parents explain to the child how to behave in certain situations	Your child will most likely learn to manage their anger.	The child learns to analyze different situations and takes an example from his tactful parents

The main purpose of such information is to show parents that one of the reasons for the manifestation of aggression in children may be the aggressive behavior of the parents themselves. other disciplinary influences on the child are expected in the near future and when the child enters adolescence.

How to get along with a child who is constantly acting defiantly? We found useful recommendations for parents on the pages of R. Campbell's book "How to deal with a child's anger" (M., 1997). We recommend this book to both teachers and parents. R. Campbell identifies five ways to control a child's behavior: two of them are positive, two are negative, and one is neutral. Positive methods include requests and gentle physical manipulation (for example, you can distract the child, take him by the hand and take him away, etc.).

Behavior modification - a neutral way of control - involves the use of rewards (for the implementation of certain rules) and punishment (for ignoring them). But this system should not be used too often, as subsequently the child begins to do only what he receives a reward for.

Frequent punishments and orders are negative ways to control a child's behavior. They cause him to suppress his anger excessively, which contributes to the appearance of passive-aggressive traits in the character. What is passive aggression and what dangers does it contain? This is a hidden form of aggression, its purpose is to piss off, upset parents or loved ones, and the child can harm not only others, but also himself. He will begin to study poorly on purpose, in retaliation to his parents to put on those things that they do not like, he will be naughty on the street for no reason. The main thing is to unbalance the parents. To eliminate such forms of behavior, a system of rewards and punishments must be thought out in every family. When punishing a child, it must be remembered that this measure of influence should in no case humiliate the dignity of a son or daughter. Punishment should follow immediately after the offense, and not every other day, not every other week. Punishment will have an effect only if the child himself believes that he deserved it, in addition, one misconduct cannot be punished twice.

There is another way to work effectively with a child's anger, although it may not always be applied. If parents know their son or daughter well, they can defuse the situation during a child's emotional outburst with an appropriate joke. The unexpectedness of such a reaction and the benevolent tone of an adult will help the child adequately get out of a difficult situation.

For parents who do not understand well enough how they or their children can express their anger, we recommend placing the following visual information on the board in the class or in the group (Table 6).

Table 6 "Positive and negative ways of expressing anger" (recommended by Dr. R. Campbell)

Cheat sheet for adults or rules for working with aggressive children

Be attentive to the needs and needs of the child.
Demonstrate a model of non-aggressive behavior.
Be consistent in punishing the child, punishing for specific actions.
Punishment should not humiliate the child.
Teach acceptable ways to express anger.
Give the child the opportunity to express anger immediately after the frustrating event.
Learn to recognize your own emotional state and the state of those around you.
Develop the capacity for empathy.
Expand the child's behavioral repertoire.
Develop the skill of responding to conflict situations.
Learn to take responsibility.

However, all of the above methods and techniques will not lead to positive changes if they are of a one-time nature. The inconsistency of parental behavior can lead to a deterioration in the child's behavior. Patience and attention to the child, his needs and needs, constant development of communication skills with others - this is what will help parents to establish relationships with their son or daughter.
Patience and good luck, dear parents!

Lyutova E.K., Monina G.B. Cheat sheet for adults

Reading 7 min. Views 731 Published on 06/25/2018

I’ll say a banal thing: an aggressive child is the result of improper upbringing and an unhealthy microclimate in the family. The tense state of the child, frequent outbursts of negative emotions should be a cause for concern for parents and serve as the beginning of changes in everyday life.

What are the causes of aggression in a child, and what to do with it, readers will learn from this article.

Causes of aggression and parental behavior

In practical psychology, there are certain reasons why a child behaves hostilely:

a feeling of fear and anxiety, which causes the surrounding world that is still incomprehensible to the baby;
defending one's own point of view and one's rights;
desire to gain independence and become independent;
inability to satisfy a certain desire;
prohibitions from parents or other adults.

The child pushes away from himself with his behavior, although at this moment he most urgently needs understanding and support. Thus, he requires attention, but the unfriendly attitude from relatives and others, which is caused by his behavior, gives rise to fear in him and increases anger.

As a rule, before such a vivid manifestation of aggression, the child tries to create a connection with loved ones in an acceptable form. But if his pleas go unnoticed, hostile behavior ensues.

Family Influence

A model of behavior for a child is the people around him. Psychologists say that those children are less aggressive in whose families there is no hostility and serious punishments, where they speak with children on an equal footing and try to help.

If children are beaten, physical force is applied to them, then they unwittingly copy this behavior and consider it the norm. Children understand that in the presence of parents it is necessary to restrain their emotions in order to avoid physical punishment. But as soon as they go out into the street and hide from the eyes of adults, they find themselves a victim, on whom they take revenge and splash out negative emotions.

Bullying, ridicule, shaming, malicious jokes and severe punishment negatively affect the child's psyche. Even if parents consider some kind of nickname harmless and cute (for example, “eared”, “dumpling”, “silly”) and periodically call the child that, then such affectionate teasers cause resentment in him, a feeling of his own inferiority.

Alcoholism and fights in the family also leave a negative imprint on the behavior of the baby.

A child may behave aggressively if he is jealous of a certain family member. For example, when a second child appeared in the family, parents are obliged to build relationships so that the elder does not feel unnecessary and does not see the enemy in the newborn who took his mother away from him.

To prevent the hostility of a son or daughter, it is important to establish good relations in the family, to create a peaceful atmosphere. The child should feel the presence of parents in his life, their care and love. There must be mutual trust, as its absence provokes nervousness and aggression. Be attentive to the baby and his requests.

In the process of education, avoid extremes. Do not give the child complete freedom, but do not create overprotection either. Constant control and increased attention, the desire to solve everything and do everything for the child does not allow him to become independent and learn how to behave correctly in stressful situations.

Hyper-custody interferes with normal communication with peers, as the child feels insecure. And, as a result, a closed preschooler or schoolchild becomes a victim of aggression from peers.

signs aggression and its types

Hostility is a reaction of the child's psyche to what is happening. This state allows you to feel your own strength and superiority, thus making it possible to defend your rights and the interests of loved ones. If aggression is accompanied by attacks or destructive actions, then this is a reason to sound the alarm and contact a specialist.

Aggressive behavior can be expressed in different ways:

sensitivity and frequent resentment;
blaming others for their own failures and mistakes;
refusal to obey the rules and opposition to them;
open conflict with peers;
provoking others to quarrels and conflicts;
hysterical to remarks or actions.

Depending on the temperament, aggression in a child can be in the form of physical attacks against a person, animal, or a certain inanimate object. It can be instrumental, that is, used as a way to achieve a goal.

The verbal view is characterized by screams, hysterical squeals, quarrels, swearing. With hostile behavior, the goal of the child becomes to cause bodily pain or moral harm to the object.

An indirect type of aggression is characterized by bad jokes, gossip and rage. The understanding that it is possible to “hit” with a word comes to the child as he grows up.

Children require attention in different ways, depending on their age. Babies begin to cry, and then roll up in hysterics. At the age of 2, aggressive children bite, become greedy, do not want to share their toys and things, and are very worried due to lack of attention.

At 3 years old, a child can fight, throws toys and other objects at other children and even at parents. After the crisis of 3 years, a 4-year-old kid does not let strangers into his territory, tries to hit everyone who annoys him.

At the age of 5, aggression takes on a confident physical form in boys (they fight), and girls at this age begin to call names or ignore friendships. Preschoolers are able to take revenge and be offended, their aggressiveness can manifest itself in the form of angry behavior and lies.

How cope with with a small aggressor

When close people and parents do not respond to irritability and hostility, it becomes a habit, the norm during communication and behavior in general, and this will certainly cause difficulties in adolescence.

During an emotional outburst, parents should remain calm and remain restrained. Screaming and scandals will only aggravate the situation, and punishment does not always allow you to calm the rebel.

At this point, put yourself in the place of the child and try to understand what emotions he is experiencing. Despite his behavior and hostility, the child subconsciously expects understanding from his parents, he needs to feel cared for by loved ones.

Talk to your child, explain to him that this is not the way to behave. Do not just get off with a general phrase, but specifically tell why it’s impossible: you look ugly from the outside, you won’t get dessert, you don’t deserve to go to the swing, to the zoo, to the cinema.
Aggressive behavior is the result of improper or irrational upbringing from early childhood. Psychologists advise either to completely ignore the aggressive state, but actively encourage good behavior and deeds, or punish if this leads to the extinction of anger.
Parents should take all possible measures to create a warm atmosphere in the family, to surround the baby with warmth and care. He must be sure that he is loved and will not be offended.
Watch the child's behavior, an emotional outburst can be prevented if you respond in a timely manner to the child's appeal or distract him from a provocative situation.
If it was not possible to prevent a vivid manifestation of an emotional state, you should calmly explain to the child that his behavior is ugly. Use harsh judgment, if the child, for example, scattered toys, make him clean up after himself. If another person has become the object of hostility, then take pity on the offended. This will allow the child to understand that by his behavior he pushes away from himself in favor of another person. Over time, he will become more attentive to the advice of his parents.
Aggressiveness of the child can be overcome with the help of games. Let him throw out emotions during the game. Let him tear the paper into small pieces or scream into the “shout bag”.
Walk with him in the fresh air, give him the opportunity to run and jump a lot. Games with water have a calming effect, pouring liquid from one container to another. Let the child relax during the game and get positive emotions.

Conclusion

All children are different, so the approach to them cannot be the same. It is enough to hug and talk to someone, to someone it is necessary to apply punishment, and to some you do not need to pay attention. In any case, parents are obliged to create a favorable microclimate in the family where the child grows. Aggression is not always associated with age, bad mood or poor health. Watch the child and take care of his unstable psyche.

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One of the urgent problems that all parents undoubtedly have to face is children's aggressiveness. Unfortunately, today, aggressiveness in children is manifested more and more. And this, of course, cannot but puzzle both parents and psychologists and teachers. After all, this is a real problem that must be fought by joining forces.

But in order to overcome and defeat children's aggression, it is necessary to know the key points related to this concept: what is aggression, what leads to its appearance, is it possible to fight it and what are the ways to do this.

All these important aspects will be discussed in this article.

Catastrophe of the 21st century

Today, every person, even who is not a specialist in the field of psychology and pedagogy, can easily notice how rapidly the number of aggressive children is growing. Naturally, many factors contribute to this:

social conditions;
Gaps in family education;
Birth pathologies leading to brain damage;
Parents and teachers indifferent to the problems of the child;
Media, films and computer games that actively promote violence.

In fact, there are a lot of reasons. However, the problem is so serious and urgent that today it is necessary to pay special attention to it.

Indeed, at birth, a child has only 2 ways to respond to different stimuli: pleasure or displeasure. And when the baby is full, clean and has no pain, then the child shows only positive emotions - it can be a smile, calm observation of others and even a restful sleep. In those cases when the baby has some kind of discomfort, then he has discontent: he starts crying, screaming, and the like.

In fact, in the course of growing up, the child retains those manifestations of his discontent that he already shows with the help of destructive actions, this can be both beating other people and harming things that are valuable to them.

Aggression and man

The very manifestation of aggression is characteristic of a person. Since aggression is a subconscious form of individual behavior aimed at defending and surviving in a world where there are many dangers. It's been that way for centuries.

However, a person understands that it is impossible to show aggression in a civilized world and with age begins to exercise control over his aggressive instincts and apply more acceptable ways of responding.

The problem is that this (controlling one's aggressive instincts) needs to be taught to a person from childhood. Otherwise, he may have various difficulties in establishing contact with other people. Consequently, in the manifestation of aggression in children, the key and most important factor is the reaction of adults, especially parents.

Many parents mistakenly believe that it is necessary to suppress aggression in a child. This is a big mistake, because, as mentioned above, aggression is a necessary and natural feeling for an individual. And when you suppress the manifestations of aggression in your child all the time, then another type of aggression may appear in him: auto-aggression, which is a more serious problem. Indeed, in this case, the child harms himself.

Or the suppression of aggressive behavior in a child can lead to the development of a psychosomatic disorder in him.

So, what should a parent do if their child uses aggressive behavior? The most important thing to understand here is that your main task as parents is to teach your child how to control the outbreak of his aggression. You must teach your child how to channel conflict into a peaceful direction. Show them and teach them how to protect themselves and their interests in ways that are acceptable in society. After all, it is important to convey to the child that it is possible and necessary to defend oneself, but at the same time not infringe on the interests of another and not harm him.

Why does a child develop aggression?

The reasons for the manifestation of aggression in a child can be varied. Of course, brain diseases or specific diseases can also cause aggression in a child. But still the key factor is the family and the upbringing of the child.

Studies have shown and proved that those children who were abruptly weaned from breastfeeding, or children who had limited communication and communication with their mother, become suspicious, cruel, aggressive, anxious and selfish people. In those cases when the mother was always there and gave the baby her love and care, such qualities may never manifest in a person.

Another important reason is the punishment that parents use in response to the aggressive behavior of the child. Here, two types of reactions from parents are possible: great severity towards the child or excessive indulgence. It is a proven fact that aggressive children can grow up in families where parents are too cruel and strict and in those families where parents are soft and compliant.
But, after conducting a series of studies, scientists have found that in cases where parents suppress the aggressive behavior of their children too sharply, their aggression not only does not disappear, but even becomes greater. In these cases, the child will show aggression in adulthood.

However, this does not mean that if the child shows aggressive behavior, and the parents do nothing to reason with the child, then the child will "correct." Indeed, in this case, the child will think that such behavior is normal and gradually he will direct his aggression towards the people around him.

It sounds like a paradox, but still parents must find the very middle ground in order to properly influence the child and control the aggression of their child.

Yes, and it is important to keep in mind the fact that in most cases, the aggression shown in a child is a copy of such behavior of their parents. So, if your child sees flashes of aggression, incontinence in you, then do not even try to correct him. First of all, correct yourself.

What is he, an aggressive child?

In order to understand and help an aggressive child, it is necessary to be able to recognize him among others. After all, an aggressive child has distinctive features that both parents and specialists working with children should know about.

At present, there is probably not a single team (class, group in the kindergarten) in which there would not be an aggressive child. This is a child who will provoke all conflicts, he can attack other children to take their toys, he can call others names, fight with them and the like.

Of course, it is not easy with such a child, because he causes a lot of grief to both parents and educators and teachers. But still, it is important to understand and accept one fact: a child who constantly shows aggressive behavior needs help, understanding, affection and love from an adult more than others.

It is important that adults understand that this behavior is a cry for help. In this way, the child shows his inner discomfort. And, since he simply cannot adequately respond to all this, he resorts to aggression.

Often an aggressive child perceives himself as an outcast, it seems to him that no one needs him. And this comes from the cruel attitude or indifference of the parents to the child. When the relationship between parents and the child is violated, then he gets the feeling that no one loves him. The consequence of this is the child's attempts at all costs to attract the attention of adults around him in order to feel needed. Of course, for us, adults, it is clear that this path cannot bring the desired results to the child, but the child himself cannot understand this. And he does not know other ways to satisfy his need for love and attention.

An aggressive child is also characterized by suspicion, caution. They can easily try to pin their own blame on others. They cannot understand their aggression and do not understand that they are causing fear and anxiety to others. Instead, it seems to them that all the children are against them, that they want to offend and hurt them. And all this leads the aggressive child to a dead end: he is afraid and angry with other children, and the children themselves are afraid and hate him. And in this case, the role of an adult is very important, who will understand and intervene in time to help and improve a difficult situation.

Another characteristic feature of an aggressive child is his weak emotionality. Such children almost do not react to different situations, and in those cases when they show feelings, these are mostly gloomy emotions and feelings. Experts are sure that this is a kind of protective mechanism of the child.

Be that as it may, it is important to understand that the child does not see himself from the outside and cannot control his behavior. And this means that when adults see a manifestation of childish and even adolescent aggression, they must intervene. Adult intervention should be aimed at eliminating conflict situations and reducing aggression in a child or adolescent.

The disappointment of all parents

My child has become aggressive, what should I do? This is the question that every parent is sure to ask when they see how their child's behavior has changed. And in truth, often, when the baby begins to go to kindergarten or when he changes his usual atmosphere, he begins to show aggression. And this, in turn, is very upsetting for parents.

So, what to do if your beloved child began to show aggression?

The first and most important thing that every parent should do, despite the circumstances, is to show their love, attention and affection for him. Remember, if your child has done some bad deed, then you should show your dissatisfaction with the deed, and not with the child.

There are also a few things that you should never do when your child has shown aggression. This:

In no case do not threaten the child that if you see such behavior even once, you will no longer love him or find yourself another child.
Never insult him, call him names, or do anything that might offend him as a person.
You can not dismiss the baby who comes to you with this or that request. Don't yell at him, don't insult him. Just show how much you appreciate him, how much you love him and explain that you simply cannot fulfill his request in this situation.
And, of course, if you do not want your child to show aggression, then you yourself watch yourself, your emotions and your own manifestations of aggression. Do not forget that parents are an example for their children and they always copy the behavior and even reactions from them.

Seeing changes in your child's behavior, do not rush to suppress aggression. Since this can lead to more serious problems (this has already been discussed above). Instead, teach your child ways to express their displeasure, aggression, and defend themselves in socially acceptable ways. Fortunately, today there are many such ways: drawing, modeling, various games, sports, and the word should not be underestimated. That is, for this, any methods are suitable that will not harm other people and at the same time help not to constrain their aggression. If a child’s aggressive actions gradually turn into words, then the child will understand that this is much better than immediately getting into a fight.

In addition, with age, the child learns to recognize and talk about his feelings. For example, when he is offended or upset about something, he will not behave aggressively or disgustingly in order to attract your attention to himself. Developing this skill: Declaring your feelings and concerns is an important step. And parents, in turn, should give the child the opportunity to speak, listen to him and show how to behave in certain circumstances. This will not only restore calmness and confidence to the child, but also further strengthen the bond between the child and parents.

When your child starts to get angry, naughty and screaming, it would be best if you hug him and hold him close to you. This is the best way to calm the baby. And when he calms down, talk to him about what happened, let the child talk about his feelings. It is important to understand that during this conversation you cannot reproach or read morality to the baby. Since in this case the child can withdraw into himself. Instead, let him know that you are always there and always ready to listen and hear him.

In your arms, the child feels calm and he begins to understand that you are able to withstand his aggression. And soon you will see that your child begins to restrain his aggressive impulses and control his own aggression.

In addition, try to show your child that aggressive behavior is an ineffective way to communicate and resolve conflicts. Explain to your child that he may benefit from this behavior in the beginning, for example, he can take a toy from another by force. But this will lead to the fact that no one will play with him and he will eventually be left alone. If taught correctly, the child will definitely not like this picture and he can change his behavior.

When you see that your baby hit another, you need to react to it in the following way: first you need to approach the child whom your child offended. If he fell, then pick him up and say that your child did not want to offend him. Hug, kiss the injured child and escort out of the room. Thus, your child understands that he can really be left alone, not only without a friend, but also without you and your attention. If you talked to him about it and explained everything in advance, then after a few such episodes, he will begin to change his behavior. After all, no one wants to be alone.

It is important for everyone to know

A child needs praise from adults, especially from parents. And this means that you need to praise your baby when you see that he is working and trying to behave correctly. Expressions such as: "I'm really proud that you shared toys with a friend instead of fighting him again", "I was very pleased to see how you behaved", or "The way you did today was very good” and the like can work wonders. Remember, when a child sees satisfaction, he perceives praise much better.

And when you talk to your child about his behavior, then do it separately, without any witnesses. Do not use emotional words during a conversation, such as "ashamed", "shame" and the like.

And of course, the duty of every parent is to eliminate such situations in which aggression in a child may manifest itself. For example, if you see that your child has become aggressive after attending kindergarten, then you need to figure out what the problem is and what led to such behavior. After all, it is likely that he is treated badly or offended there.

Today, in the fight against the aggressive behavior of the child, fairy tale therapy works perfectly. If you see a manifestation of aggression in your child, then you can compose a fairy tale with him, where the main character will be the baby. And, like all heroes, he must behave correctly in a fairy tale in order to earn the praise of others and win the title of hero. Of course, fairy tale therapy is best done when your child is in a calm state.

In addition, we must not forget that the child should be able to carry out emotional discharge, so sign him up for some kind of active sport, let him play active games and the like, there are many options.

It is also important that the child develops such feelings and qualities as sympathy, empathy, trust. And all this is instilled in them in childhood, with the help and participation of parents and educators, teachers. After all, no matter how important the role of parents is, the role of teachers in raising children should not be underestimated.

The child as a person

Many parents fail to see their children as individuals. That is why it can be difficult for them to understand that children can also have their own opinion, point of view, feelings that need to be accepted and considered. In other words, for many parents, taking their child seriously can be a difficult task.

Learn to let him feel free and independent. A child must understand from an early age that he is responsible for his behavior, for his actions and misconduct. In other words, the child should have a sense of responsibility.

But at the same time, the child must know that you are standing behind him with a mountain. He must be sure that if he needs something, you will rush to help: just by listening, giving the right advice or providing the necessary help.

As a person, the child should have his own corner in the house, where an adult should not invade without his consent. Not understanding the importance of this, many parents think that since this is their child, then he should not have secrets. So they begin to rummage through the things of their children, read letters, check mail, eavesdrop on conversations and the like. All this in turn causes manifestations of aggression in the child. Do not make such mistakes, because if you have a trusting relationship with your child, then he himself will tell you everything and come running to you as the closest person and authoritative adviser. And the child himself will respect you much more if you treat him as a person.

One last thing

Children's aggression is a real problem, which, if not eradicated in time, can cause many troubles in a child's life.

Therefore, if you have tried all the methods mentioned above and still did not achieve any results, then you need to contact a specialist. The psychologist will help find a solution to this problem and will be able to establish contact with the child, while establishing the child's attitude towards both parents and others.

It is important to remember that every child is a mirror image of their parents. So, if your child becomes aggressive, angry, always builds conflicts, then you should reconsider yourself and ask yourself the question: am I like that / like that? By honestly answering this painful question to yourself, you will no longer make hasty conclusions about your child. Sometimes, when parents change themselves, then the child himself begins to behave more calmly, with restraint.

The child grows rapidly, striking his parents with his new behavior. Until recently, he smiled sweetly at the whole world and people, and now he is ready to cry, act up and get into a fight. If parents are unprepared for the fact that negative qualities begin to appear in their baby, then they find themselves in a dead end: “Where does the child come from? How to deal with aggression? When parents become witnesses to the fact that children show aggression with all its inherent signs and causes, the question arises of treating babies from this quality.

Aggression in children

The childhood years are the initial stage when babies begin to copy their parents and friends, trying new behaviors. Aggression in children is a kind of behavior pattern that is fixed for many years if they achieve their goals. For example, if a child wanted to get someone else's toy and he managed to do this by showing aggression, then he will have an association: aggression is good, it helps to achieve what you want.

All children try aggressive behavior as a pattern of behavior. However, in the future, aggressiveness in some children becomes a quality of character that they constantly show, while in others it is only a reaction to the cruelty of the world around them. Usually aggression in children is a form of expressing their indignation at factors that arise in the world around them. A child can either verbally express his emotions, or at the level of actions (cry, fight, etc.).

In almost every team there is an aggressive child. He will bully, get into fights, call names, kick and provoke other kids in other ways. The first signs of aggression in children appear even in infancy, when the child is weaned. It is during the period when the child does not feel protected and needed that he begins to worry.

The aggression of many children is an attempt to attract the attention of parents who pay little or no attention. “No one needs me,” and the child begins to try various behaviors that will help him get attention. Cruelty and defiance often help him in this. He notices that his parents begin to communicate with him, twitch, worry. Once this behavior helps, it begins to take hold for life.

Cause of aggression in children

Like any person, there are unique reasons for aggression in children. One child may be bothered by "cold parents", and the second - the inability to have the desired toys. There are enough reasons for aggression in a child to single out a whole list of them:

Somatic diseases, disruption of the brain.
Conflict relations with parents who do not pay attention, are not interested in the child, do not spend time with him.
Copying behavior patterns of parents who are themselves aggressive both at home and in society.
The indifferent attitude of parents to what is happening in the life of the child.
Emotional attachment to one parent, where the second acts as an object of aggression.
Low self-esteem, the inability of the child to manage their own experiences.
Inconsistency of parents in education, different approaches.
Insufficient development of the intellect.
Lack of skills to build relationships with people.
Copying the behavior of characters from computer games or watching violence from TV screens.
Parental abuse towards a child.

Here we can recall cases of jealousy that arise in families where the baby is not the only child. When parents love another child more, praise him more, pay attention, then this causes resentment. A child who feels unwanted often becomes aggressive. His objects of aggression are animals, other children, sisters, brothers and even parents.

The nature of the punishment that parents apply when the child is guilty also becomes important. Aggression provokes aggression: if a child is beaten, humiliated, criticized, then he himself begins to become like that. Indulgence or severity as methods of punishment always lead to the development of aggressiveness.

Where does the child's aggression come from?

The psychotherapeutic help website notes that children's aggressiveness has many causes. There can be both family problems, lack of what is desired, experimentation of one's behavior, deprivation of something valuable, and somatic disorders. Children always copy the behavior of their parents. Often adults should look at how they behave in the presence of children in order to understand where the aggression manifested itself in the child.

The first manifestations of aggression may be bites that are committed by a 2-year-old baby. This is a way to show your strength, to establish your power, to show who is in charge here. Sometimes the child simply looks at the reaction of the world around him through the manifestation of this or that behavior. If the mother shows aggression, then the baby simply copies it.

At the age of 3, aggressiveness is manifested due to the desire to have a beautiful toy. Children begin to push, spit, break toys, hysteria. The desire of parents to make the child calm down is unfortunate. The next time the kid will just increase his aggression.

4-year-olds become calmer, but their aggressiveness begins to manifest itself in games where you need to defend your point of view. A child at this age does not accept someone else's opinion, does not tolerate intrusion on his territory, does not know how to sympathize and understand the desires of others.

At the age of 5, boys begin to try their hand at physical aggression, and girls at verbal aggression. The boys begin to fight, and the girls give nicknames, mock.

It is at the age of 6-7 that children learn to control their emotions a little. This is not manifested in a wise approach to business, but simply in hiding one's feelings. Being aggressive, they can take revenge, tease, fight. This is facilitated by feelings of abandonment, lack of love and antisocial environment.

Signs of aggression in children

Only a child can feel their emotions. He is not always able to realize them and understand the reasons. This is why parents notice too late that something is wrong with their child. Usually signs of aggression in children are their actions that they commit:

Name-calling.
Take away toys.
Beat peers.
Revenge.
They don't admit their mistakes.
Refuse to follow the rules.
They get angry.
They spit.
They pinch.
They swing at others.
Use offensive words.
Hysteria, often for show.

If parents use the method of suppression in raising a child, then the child simply begins to hide his feelings. However, they don't go anywhere.

The frustration and helplessness of the child makes him look for any ways to cope with the problem. If the parents at the same time do not understand the feelings of the child, then by their measures they only aggravate the behavior of the baby. This is even more depressing for a child who did not want what his parents did. When there is no sincerity and manifestation of care on the part of parents, then the child begins to turn out on them or on other children.

It all starts with the fact that the child tries hysterical forms of aggression: protest, screaming, crying, etc. When toys are beating and breaking, the child thus splashes out his indignation.

After this period, there comes a moment when the child begins to try his verbal skills. It uses words that he heard from his parents, from TV or from other children. “Verbal skirmish”, where only the child should win, is a frequent way of displaying aggression.

The older the baby, the more he begins to combine physical strength and verbal attacks. The method that he does best helps in achieving the goal, he uses and improves.

Treatment of aggression in children

One should not hope that various methods for treating aggression in children will completely eliminate this quality. It should be understood that the cruelty of the world will always cause aggressive emotions in any healthy person. When a person is forced to defend himself, then aggression becomes useful. “Turning the other cheek” when you are humiliated or beaten becomes the way to a hospital bed.

Thus, when treating aggression in children, remember that you are helping the child deal with his inner problems, not with the removal of his emotion. Your task is to keep aggression as an emotion, but to eliminate it as a character trait. In this case, parents take an active part. If their upbringing measures further aggravate the situation, then the methods of treatment used by psychologists become more complex and lengthy.

You should not rely on the fact that with age the child will become kinder. If you miss the moment of the emergence of aggression, this can lead to the formation of this phenomenon as a quality of character.

The most effective way to eliminate aggression is to correct the problem that the child is resenting. If the baby is just naughty, then you should not respond to his tantrum. If we are talking about a lack of attention, love, general leisure, then you should change your relationship with the child. Until the cause of aggression is eliminated, it will not disappear by itself. Any attempts to persuade the child to no longer be angry will only lead to the fact that he will simply learn to hide his own feelings, but aggression will not disappear anywhere.

At the moment when the child shows aggression, it is necessary to deal with the factors that cause it. What triggers trigger the aggressiveness mechanism? Parents often cause anger and resentment in the child with their actions. Changing the behavior of parents entails changes in the actions of the child.

How to deal with aggression?

Often the cause of aggression in children is not established relationships with parents. Thus, to cope with aggression is possible only by correcting the behavior of both parents and children. Here are exercises that the child performs on his own or with his parents. Role-playing games, where the child and parents change places, become a good exercise. The kid has the opportunity to show how parents behave towards him. Scenes are also played out here when the child behaves badly, and parents learn to contact him correctly.

Parents do not hurt to study the literature or consult a family psychologist, where they can get information on how to properly respond to a child's aggression, how to educate him, and in what ways to pacify his anger.

The behavior of the parents themselves becomes important not only in relation to the child, but also to other people. If they themselves show aggression, then it becomes clear why their child is aggressive.

Both parents should have similar parenting approaches. They must be consistent and unified. When one parent allows everything and the other forbids everything, this allows the child to love one and hate the other. Parents should consider the measures and principles of their upbringing so that the child understands what is normal and correct.

The following methods are also used here:

Pillow beat.
Switching attention to another activity.
A drawing of one's own aggression that can be torn apart.
Exclusion by parents for their part of intimidation, offensive words at the time of the child's aggression, blackmail.
Maintaining a nutritious diet.
Sport.
Performing relaxation exercises.

Parents should spend more time with their children, be interested in their thoughts and experiences. It also helps to exclude aggressive computer games from entertainment and watching violent programs and films. If the parents are divorced, then the child should not feel it. His communication should take place calmly with both mother and father.

Outcome

Aggression cannot be completely excluded from human life, but it can be learned to understand and control. It is good when aggression is a reaction, and not a quality of character. The result of upbringing, when parents are engaged in the elimination of aggressiveness in their children, is independence and a strong personality.

The prognosis in the absence of attempts by parents to help the child control his rage can be disappointing. First, when a child reaches adolescence, he may find bad friends. They all show up. Only children who can control their aggression soon leave the "bad company" themselves.

Secondly, the child will be confused. He does not know how to understand his feelings, assess the situation, control his actions. Such behavior can result in prison or death. Either the child will become a criminal when he grows up, or he will be in a situation where he will be maimed or killed by other aggressive people.

The border of what is permitted is erased in a person who does not learn to control his emotions. This is often seen in criminals. As a result of the lack of education to eliminate aggression, emotions are consolidated and shaped into a quality of character. As you know, no one likes evil people. Only the same aggressive people can surround someone who is angry at the world. Is this the future parents want for their child?

Aggressive child often. He is either afraid to be alone, or he understands that he cannot interest anyone, make him fall in love with him. All people want to be accepted. This is what a child wants, who simply does not yet understand that aggression only pushes people away from him even more. If parents do not reach out to a child who shows anger, then he may think about what else to do so that his parents love him again.

Aggressive behavior in children can confuse even experienced mothers and teachers. It is not always possible to justify him by his small age, whims or malaise. It happens that aggression in a baby becomes the norm and other children are reluctant to meet him on the playground. To help a child cope with their emotions, it is important for adults to understand the reasons for hostility towards the outside world.

In order for the child to become a full-fledged part of the children's team, it is important for parents to analyze the causes of aggressive behavior.

Causes of aggression

During attacks of childish aggression, relatives should remain calm and restraint. It is important to put yourself in the place of the baby and understand how he feels. The easiest way to do this is to ask yourself the question: “Why is my son (daughter) now so ill that he (she) wants to throw something or break, hit someone?”. There are not so many reasons for aggressive behavior:

fear and anxiety in response to a sense of danger emanating from the outside world;
defending their rights;
desire to become independent and independent;
inability to satisfy some desire;
adult prohibitions.

The fight against hostile behavior should not be reduced to subduing the young rebel at any cost. First of all, he does not need punishment, but understanding, care and help. It’s easier to label: “unmanaged”, “”, but this will be wrong. Only one correct phrase can cool the ardor of a small aggressor. For example, “I don’t like your behavior,” “let’s see if you can express what worries you differently,” or “adult children don’t behave like that.”

Psychologists are looking for the origins of aggressive behavior in the upbringing of the first years of life. They advise either ignoring angry behavior or subjecting disobedient rebels to appropriate punishment. In the first case, parents "do not notice" hostility, but actively encourage good deeds. This method is effective only in early childhood and it really leads to the gradual fading of anger.

Obligatory encouragement of good deeds is a great way to level out the excessive aggression of the child.

The influence of the microclimate in the family

The home environment (parents, grandparents) is the standard by which the younger generation builds behavior.

Less aggressive are the guys whose parents showed neither condescension nor serious punishments towards them. Their correct position is to condemn hostility, speak openly about it with children, do without severe punishments in case of misconduct.
Conversely, children of corporal-punishing parents learn from their example of angry behavior. Sensitive to parental strictness, babies quickly learn to suppress hostile impulses in their presence. But outside the home, they become nervous, choose a weak victim in the team and recoup on it.
If punishments cause physical pain or are very upsetting, toddlers may forget the reason for them and not learn the rules of acceptable behavior. Under pressure from adults, they change a lot, but only obey when they are closely watched.

When does child abuse show up?

When the baby does not feel fear and need, he is comfortable. He calmly plays with children or fantasizes about something. Hostility towards adults, peers, the environment occurs in such cases:

they beat him, mock him;
bad jokes and jokes about the child;
parental drunkenness and brawls;
distrust of parents;
jealousy towards one of the family members;
the entrance to the house is closed for the child's friends;
the child's feeling that he is not loved, ignored;
distrust of parents to the child;
feeling of undeserved shame;
setting against the child of his brothers and sisters.

Very often, physical punishment of the child by parents becomes the cause of aggression.

In educating the younger generation, it is recommended to avoid extremes. Equally badly reflected in the formation of personality is the provision of complete freedom and overprotection. Overprotection of children usually leads to infantilism, the inability to withstand stressful situations, to communicate normally with peers. Infantile children often become victims of aggression from other children.

What is child aggression?

Aggression in children is an emotional reaction to what is happening. It is not bad in itself, because it gives a sense of strength, allows you to defend your interests and protect loved ones. Another thing is aggressiveness - a predisposition to attack, destructive actions, a hostile response to undesirable changes. Aggressive behavior of the child is expressed in the following:

he is sensitive, often offended;
blames others for his mistakes;
refuses to follow the rules;
goes into open conflict with children;
looking for a reason for quarrels and petty skirmishes;
reacts to the actions and comments of others, loses control over himself (cries or shows hostility).

With any angry manifestation on the part of the child, pediatrician Komarovsky recommends that parents show that they are stronger. In his opinion, aggression is a way to demonstrate superiority over elders, which should not go unnoticed. Komarovsky considers the best solution to be a family visit to a child psychologist who will analyze the situation and treat him.

An aggressive child does not avoid direct conflicts, but rather goes into them without a shadow of a doubt.

Types of aggression

Aggression in children largely depends on temperament. Sanguine kids learn to negotiate. Phlegmatic and melancholic people are very offended. Cholerics show anger often and to the fullest. Psychologists distinguish the following types of aggression:

physical (attack) - force is used against a person, animal, inanimate object;
direct - directed against a specific subject;
instrumental - a means to achieve a specific goal;
verbal - the expression of negative feelings through screams, squeals, quarrels, swearing, threats;
hostile - sets the goal of causing physical or moral harm to an object of interest;
indirect - malicious jokes, gossip against a certain person, outbursts of rage, stamping of feet, beating the table with fists.

Whatever the cause and type of aggression, the baby falls into a vicious circle. Experiencing a lack of love and understanding, he repels others with his behavior, causes hostility. This reinforces his reciprocal negative emotions, because the child does not know how to demand attention in another way.

The unfriendly attitude of others arouses in the child a feeling of fear and anger. His behavior is considered antisocial, but is actually a desperate attempt to create a connection with loved ones. Before the manifestation of obvious aggression, the child expresses his desires in a milder form. Because they go unnoticed, hostile behavior is exhibited.

Strong resentment is also a symptom of repressed aggression.

Aggression and age

The most common manifestations of aggression are found in young children. Despair and anger can be found already in the crying of an infant who is denied attention. Children 2-7 years old are easily offended, deceived, and with their angry behavior they express a reaction to what is happening. Manifested in infancy, aggression increases during the preschool period and gradually subsides. With the right upbringing, grown-up children can understand the actions and feelings of others.

If the parents do not respond to outbursts of irritability and hostility of the offspring, such behavior becomes a habit with him. In this case, very soon the child will not be able to behave differently, which will complicate communication with peers and the older generation. Aggressive behavior in preschool children manifests itself in different ways. Its main features are:

at 2 years old, babies bite, expressing rights to their things and feelings about the lack of attention from adults (for more details, see the article:);
at 3 years old, children bite, fight, throw things and toys at each other (we recommend reading:);
in a 4-year-old child, aggression weakens after the crisis of the age of three, but when he invades his territory in the garden and on the playground, he attacks first (we recommend reading:);
grown-up 5-year-old boys continue to express aggression in physical form, and girls come up with offensive nicknames and ignore friendship;
6-7-year-old children are familiar with the feeling of revenge, they can express fear and resentment.

To prevent aggression, it is important to create an atmosphere of warmth, care, and mutual support in the house. Confidence in parental love and protection helps a child grow up and become a successful person. The more self-confident he becomes, the less egoism will remain in him, the less negative emotions will visit him. The requirements of adults in relation to their heirs must be reasonable and children must understand what is expected of them.

If an atmosphere of warmth and mutual support reigns in the family, children are unlikely to become aggressive.

How to deal with aggressive child behavior?

Attention to a son or daughter is the first step in the fight against aggression. Parents know their child well and can often prevent sudden outbursts of anger. With regard to physical aggression, this is easier to do than with verbal. When a child pouted his lips, narrowed his eyes, or expressed seething emotions in a different way, he should be distracted from the negative by a cry, an interesting activity, hold his shoulders or take his hand away.

If the aggressive impulse could not be prevented, it is important to explain to the child that his behavior is ugly and unacceptable. The offender should be severely condemned and forced to remove the damage caused, and the object of enmity should be surrounded with attention and care. Then the aggressive child will understand how he loses from his behavior and will be more attentive to the advice of his elders.

At first, the child will reject the comments of adults, refuse to clean up after themselves and admit guilt. Sooner or later, the phrase "if you're big enough to destroy everything, then you can clean up after yourself" will be meaningful to him. Cleaning in itself is not a punishment. The argument that the "big" boy should be responsible for his actions will have a stronger effect on the child. After cleaning, it is important to thank the little helper.

Reduced verbal aggression

Verbal (verbal) aggression is difficult to prevent and will have to be reacted after offensive phrases are spoken by the child. It is advisable to analyze them and try to understand the experiences of the offspring. Perhaps he does not know how to express emotions in a different way, or he wants to experience superiority over adults. When a hostile and nervous child insults other children, adults should teach them how to fight back with dignity.

Most aggressive acts in adolescence are committed as a result of emotionally stressful situations. The guys are pissed off by an imperious tone, a demonstration of strength and power, phrases like: “the teacher is always right”, “do as you are told”. In situations where parents demand complete obedience or teach, they often behave with hostility.

The job of adults is not to demonstrate superiority, but to reduce hostility and prevent conflict. The best way is to establish feedback with a teenager using psychological techniques. It is advisable to reveal the motives of aggression (“Are you trying to offend me?”), Express your attitude to what is happening (“I did not deserve you to talk to me like that”). When establishing an emotional connection, it is important to show interest, firmness and goodwill, to analyze specific actions, and not the personality as a whole.

Emotional and critical comments from adults will cause even more protest and irritation. When communicating with a teenager, moralizing should not be read. It is important to notify him of the negative consequences of actions, to discuss ways out of the situation.

An example of constructive behavior - the ability to listen and understand the opponent, to allow him to express his opinion, will be useful to the child. It is desirable to communicate and give him recommendations not on the go, but in a calm, confidential atmosphere. It is important for adults to demonstrate a trusting attitude towards the problems of their son or daughter, to recognize children's feelings (“... I understand how hurtful you are”). It will be useful to pause to help calm down, and a sense of humor.

When discussing the topic of aggression with a child, there is no need to get personal - they only talk about actions or manifestations

Games for aggressive kids

To reduce the unmotivated aggressiveness of the child, events will allow him to understand that there are other ways to attract attention and show strength. In order to appear older and more mature, he does not have to assert himself at the expense of the weak, but express dissatisfaction with something in bad words. Psychologists recommend children such ways to splash out negative emotions:

tear into pieces a piece of paper that is always in your pocket;
shout loudly into the "scream bag";
run and jump at the stadium, playground, in the sports section;
periodically knock out rugs and pillows (useful for fighters);
hit a punching bag;
verbalize your feelings ("I'm upset", "I'm angry"), as adults teach.

water games

Contemplation of reservoirs, observation of the life of the inhabitants of aquariums will calm even the most desperate rebel. Recommended educational and active games with water:

Run through the puddles after the rain. The main thing is that the child was healthy and put on waterproof shoes.
Transferring liquid from one container to another. The lesson will allow you to focus and cool the angry ardor.
Throw rocks at any body of water. At this time, it is important to be nearby, to monitor the safety of game maneuvers.
Children's fishing, which can be arranged in a basin or bath. It is enough to buy a set of fish on magnets and a fishing rod.
or water park. These pleasures depend on the material capabilities of adults, but they help the little aggressor get a positive charge and throw out energy.
In the summertime - yard games with a water gun. They will allow you to be active and refresh in the summer heat.
Arrange waves in the bathroom while swimming. To prevent water from splashing on the floor, you should use curtains and pour half the bath.
The device of a mini-pool in the yard in the summer. The guys can throw toys at him, blow off the boats, splash in each other's faces. It is important to keep a close eye on safety while gaming.

The water element perfectly reduces anxiety and aggression, helps the child get rid of excess energy.

Bulk material games

Games with sand and cereals form perseverance and help fight internal tension. Materials can be crushed, crushed, thrown, observing the result. Loose attributes of the game obediently take any form and withstand rough human impact. With their help, children splash out feelings and do not worry about the result. Common sand games:

sifting through a sieve or a sieve mill;
burying figurines in the sand;
work on the construction of castles;
laying out pictures from colored sand.

Creative games

After an angry outburst (expressed in physical or emotional form), you should wait until the child calms down. Without judging the behavior, you need to ask him to write down or draw his anger and feelings of the "victim" that he hit or insulted. It is important not to be embarrassed by emotions, and describe everything as it was (“I wanted to hit him”, “everything was seething inside me”).

After analyzing these records and putting himself in the place of another person, the child will gradually learn to control behavior, will begin to listen to people's feelings. When drawing aggression, kids often use black, purple, burgundy colors (more in the article:). Analyzing the picture together with the child, you can ask him to add details, make the drawing fun. For example, draw good people, a rainbow, bright fireworks, stars. The technique will teach the little aggressor how to control their feelings.

By inviting the child to express their feelings through creativity, you can understand the root of the problem and rethink it together.

Aggressive behavior is manageable

It is important for parents and teachers to show an aggressive child how to accurately assess their emotional state and respond in time to the signals that the body gives. By correctly deciphering his messages, the child will be able to control his emotions and prevent conflicts. When raising aggressive children, the work of parents and teachers is carried out in three directions.