The husband found out about the relationship that was before him. Husband is German. From acquaintance on vacation to a lasting marriage, Beloved learned about the past. what to do
I met Ben from a small village near Munich on a dating site, and a month later he asked to visit. Came only for two weeks, stayed at the hotel. Three months later he came for a month, then for three months - already to me, and off we go. After a year and a half of dating, I fell in love like a young lady, and we decided to get married. They got married in my city.
Before the wedding, my husband painted our future: he will buy an apartment in my city, we will live in Russia, and we will go to Europe twice a year as tourists. The husband is not rich, but he promised one and a half to two thousand euros a month - from his small business. And since the business does not require his constant presence, he can live with me.
Not spoiled by life, I thought: now my life will begin. There was nothing interesting in the past. Only sad memories from childhood and unsuccessful marriage. All that was good for me was my daughter and my job. I am a seller in a jewelry store, the salary is a little over 20 thousand, a good team and bosses. And then happiness came, I thought. There is a caring husband, love, and enough money for a comfortable life.
We processed all the documents for him - first the RVP (temporary residence permit), then the residence permit (residence permit in Russia). He lived with me and my daughter in a one-room apartment. During the three years of our joint marriage, he went to Germany twice a year all the time without me, explaining that there was not enough money. They were really missing. He attributed this to temporary difficulties. I paid for a communal apartment, he bought food, but all the time there was not enough money either to repair my apartment, or to travel, or even for gifts and new clothes on holidays. But I did not grumble, the main thing is mutual understanding and love.
Every time he left, I waited for him for three months. We talked on Skype. During this time, he did not send support to us, but I was used to dealing with difficulties. She didn't even ask for support. Once again, he left again, and after a week of regular Skype communication, he suddenly disappeared. Didn't answer calls or emails. I began to look for him through mutual friends in Germany. And it turned out that my husband issued an inheritance, bought a house in Bavaria, and lives there.
What to do, I thought? The marriage was registered in Russia, in Germany we never legalized it, I have never been there. It is so easy to get a divorce, you need to send a notice to your husband. But where? I did not know my husband's new address. There were no funds to pay for searches, there were no funds for lawyers.
This is how I live with disappointed hopes, with a broken heart and sleepless nights. I don’t know what will happen next and why it happened, if my husband always spoke about unearthly love and fidelity, that we would meet old age together. And now I don’t know what status I am in - married or not? The lawyer advised me to wait a year and apply to the court about the missing husband. The worst feeling of all is disappointment. I try to look at everything philosophically, but my heart continues to hurt.
The situation is as follows. Serious problems arose in relations with a common-law husband due to the fact that he learned about men from my past, he cannot forgive me, he cannot accept what happened long before him. We both love each other very much .. He says that if he didn’t love me so much, he would have left without hesitation for a long time .. and he loves and wants to be with me, but he doesn’t know if he can live with it, because resentment sits inside him and sometimes he it hurts me a lot, sometimes, it seems to me, even hates me ... relations have reached an impasse, there is no further development and it cannot be as long as this problem exists ... How can I help him?
Psychologists Answers
Alyona! You can help here, not your soul mate))) Talk to your husband - frankly. Offer him a conversation plan - he says for 15 (20) minutes, and you listen to him carefully and do not interrupt! Then you speak for 15 (20) minutes, and he listens too. After the conversation, take 30 minutes to discuss everything you heard, try to speak without insults - this is an important condition, and without shouting.
Why does your husband need to speak out?! Because he harbored a grudge! He needs to express everything, experience emotions of anger. Perhaps he will come to the conclusion that he needs to talk with a psychologist (they solve their personal and social problems with a psychologist, and they turn to a psychiatrist mentally ill people) - especially if you gently tell me ...))
You also need to explain to your husband that all people have relationships with the opposite sex - this is an acquisition of life experience, a person needs to communicate! Did your husband also have a relationship before meeting you? And you are attracted by the fact that now he is not with his former girlfriends, but with you...isn't it? And what attracts you - the past or the present? You chose HIM! Only he could win your heart! You are a woman! You can apply all the female tricks - wisdom, affection, tears, laughter, and most importantly love! friend, admit mistakes, forgive - and everything will be better than it was! And remember the "taboo" - it's never talking to a man about an abortion, about past suitors and that you don't like football)))) Good luck to you!
Good answer 9 bad answer 1Alena, hello!
By telling your loved one about others, you unwittingly turned on the spirit of competition in him, in which he has already lost and cannot do anything about it. Every man strives to be the first, the best, the strongest, etc.
The most painful topics in which men are very vulnerable are his sexuality and wealth as a man. This is an area where you have to be careful.
Now you have gained experience that full openness is not always good for relationships. And they found out how vulnerable your man can be. And the experience is good, you can use it in the future.
Well, on the other hand, we cannot live life without hurting or offending anyone. No matter how hard it is for you now to meet with your guilt and confusion, and for him with his resentment and anger, this can only be experienced, time heals.
Accept what is happening to him and to you now, support his male self-esteem with your love and attention. And perhaps the ice in his heart will melt. Good luck!
Good answer 4 bad answer 1Hello! My problem is the following. My husband is a good, decent young man, we have been married for more than two years. have a son. when we first met, he asked me a question about my past. I told a story that was fictional, said that there was a man older than me, we were close several times, then I found out that he was married and we parted. in fact, everything was much more complicated. my first man was my boss, whom I fell in love with like a complete fool. He was married, divorced, then remarried. I was his mistress for only three years. he is 20 years older than me. Now I remember all this with a shudder, so prativno. my husband learned the truth, and even in such detail that it was no longer possible to lie. I confessed everything. now he is killing himself because of the very fact that I was like this and because I did not tell him about it in a timely manner. I understand that he is right, this does not paint any normal girl, and he did not expect this from me, because in everything I try to be the best as a wife and mother, to be honest in our family life there was nothing to complain about . it happened recently. the day he found out everything, he beat me. I left home. then he poured mud on me as best he could, drank, did all sorts of rash acts. then he nevertheless realized, as he then said, that he could not live without us and would try to forget everything, we returned home. there was a lot of talk both on a drunken and sober head, put up, again cursed. this has been going on for a month now. I am pregnant again. We actually planned this pregnancy. but the situation has worsened in recent days. he said that he couldn’t forget, he didn’t have the same feelings for me, that he had cooled off towards me, more than that, I annoyed him. He doesn't want to get divorced either. wants to live and create the appearance of a family, as he says, for the sake of children. and he says he will ignore me in everything, remind me every time, he will cheat on me, and I will live according to his conditions, everything so that I understand how painful it is for him now. the general picture is this. I want a family. I understand that my past cannot be justified, but nothing can be changed now. I want to live in the future, I am a mother, God will give two children. and his position is that I hurt him so much to the quick that now he does not know how to hurt me as well. and doesn't want to get divorced. I thought maybe he would find something worthy for himself, forget it. he is still young. I'll manage on my own somehow. but he doesn't want to either. The atmosphere at home is terrible. I don't know how to solve this situation. how to help him forget. how to improve the climate in the house. Or should I get a divorce if I don't have a chance. please help with advice.
I have additional certificates in the areas of "Psychotherapy" and "Narcology". Whoever lives in the past runs the risk of not getting into the future, because he is not able to navigate in the present. Your spouse needs qualified help from a competent psychologist, or even a psychotherapist. Creation time: November 07, 2014 07:49 Advertising from a consultant: You can get my paid video consultation, or take a short-term course of CBT Kirill Ivanovich Sekatsky psychiatrist, psychotherapist Polina, it is better to talk about this with a psychologist or psychotherapist at an in-person appointment. If your spouse refuses to come to the appointment, go to the appointment alone. Creation time: 07 November 2014 18:09 Advertising from a consultant: www.avkol.info — discuss your problem with psychologists and psychotherapists! When writing a personal message to me, please indicate the number of the question to which I answered you, or give a link to it.
Husband found out about my past and wants to leave
Perm He says he hates people like me (girls of easy virtue as he puts it). says a girl should be “clean” with no more than 10 men and a narrow vagina in her life experience ... She should sleep with a man who has a small size of dignity, so that in the future her husband could not tell her that she was the last whore and slept with anyone , at that time, he believes that if a man walked and has a large number of girls in his life experience, this is right.
Important
And I believe that a man and a woman are equal and free to choose their own lives and there is nothing wrong with the fact that a girl once walked. A girl, if she already has more than 10 men in the past, then she is everything, forgive me, a slut ....
Gossip is added to all this. whom he believes and says that they (those who gossip) do not need to lie, unlike me, who “supposedly” wants to hide the truth from him.
Husband found out about the past
I don't understand why he needs to know what he is trying to prove in this way? After all, I told the truth, and when transmitting rumors, exaggeration and distortion of information are characteristic, for him this is not a coincidence of facts. He is jealous of the past, of those men that I had, he is simply convinced that the size of their dignity was greater than his and I was much better with them than with him. He doesn’t believe in my words that I’m fine with him in everything, he thinks that I don’t tell him how bad he is because I don’t want to hurt his pride. He is afraid that when I drink alcohol while in the campaign without him, then I can be persuaded to intimacy by anyone and I will not refuse (it was all in a past life).
Attention
Egorova Tatyana Innokentyevna Psychologist, Family-trauma therapist OnlineCons Zelenograd 95 consultations №3 | Maria wrote: He torments himself with this.
He says that if I didn’t tell him something about myself, then we will definitely part.
Islamic line of trust: "husband found out about my past life and wants to leave"
It’s good that my relatives didn’t see it ... The worst thing was the first three months, then everything subsided and finally stopped when he was framed for a large amount, and he owed a decent amount to one person, and here everything changed. he was pressured all the time, caught after work, and so on. In general, he now had no time for other people's sins. God exists and he sees everything.
Stay with your husband, be patient, he loves you, otherwise he would not have returned you home. He is in a lot of pain and pain right now. You have to be patient and be with him. you can’t leave him in this state - after all, the cause of this state
your mistakes. I prayed a lot and now I understand that God does not leave those who are held accountable for their mistakes. Be patient and the day will come when the sun will shine in your family again Inshallah.
Beloved learned about the past. what to do?
And not only dispersed, but they became almost enemies. And having learned that I was once in a relationship with that other, my man was not let go by a feeling of jealousy. I had to say that there was no intimacy between us.
We just spent time together occasionally and he helped me forget and move away from the hell that my ex-husband once plunged me into. It seems to be, at the very least, but they believed me. We've been together for 3 years now.
But, a few days ago, the paths of these men crossed and he told my man that once we were together not just as friends, but we also had an intimate relationship. Needless to say, what was the reaction of my man? He was furious that I had deceived him for so many years.
And they had this whole conversation in the presence of several other acquaintances. And now at home it's just hell! My dear, beloved, the best man in the world has gone, as they say, into himself.
“there are decisions at which cockroaches in the head give a standing ovation”
Egorova Tatyana Innokentyevna Psychologist, Family-trauma therapist OnlineCons Zelenograd 95 consultations №11 | Maria wrote (a): Yes, he can leave, because he is a truth-teller, it's just terrible. If I close the topic, it infuriates him even more and can reach the point that he starts to dissolve his hands and beat him.
Maria, I'm sorry that you allow physical and psychological abuse of yourself. As if you also justify your MCH? He's the truth-seeker!#11 | Maria wrote (a): he says that he loves me too, but he constantly mocks me, humiliates me, and uses me as a homemade punching bag or garbage bag.
I don't like violence, do you? Egorova Tatyana Innokentievna Psychologist, Family Trauma Therapist OnlineCons Moscow
Question:
Hello, due to my youth and ignorance of many commands of Islam, I committed a lot of sins, and when I got married, I was not chaste. But my husband took me as his wife, and we have been living for more than 4 years. There is no child between us, and my adventures have reached my husband. After all this, he wants to leave. I repent of everything I have done and I can’t find a place for myself, I can’t even imagine how I can live on. Allah pulled me out with the help of his hand and I want to believe that my husband will find the strength to forgive and accept me. What else should I do next? Now I’m performing namaz (I can’t do all 5, while I’m doing morning and evening prayers, I’ve been fasting for a long time), I try to live according to the Sunnah. I do not want my husband to leave me and doom me to the same path I came from. Sometimes it seems to me that I will not interfere in the universe, how to be how to get through and how to explain that I love him very much and am ready for anything for his love and for his contentment?
Psychological answer:
Praise be to Allah, the Merciful and the All-Compassionate! May Allah bless and greet the Prophet Muhammad, his family, his family, his companions and his followers until the Day of Judgment! Amen.
You are not required to tell your husband about your past life before marriage and before Islam. What was, must remain between you and Allah. After all, you will be responsible to Him, and not to anyone else.
You have been living with your spouse for more than four years. Before your revelations about your past life, you lived normally. Therefore, continue to live with him in the same way as you lived before this whole situation. After all, you have not changed, but remained his former wife, with whom he was pleased? So, there is no reason to worry about the relationship with her husband.
Family life is not limited to intimacy. Therefore, I see no serious reason to worry about what happened. Leave the past and move on to the present. Make tauba. It will bring peace to your soul, inshaAllah. You owe your husband only as a wife. And not before your spouse you will be responsible for your life before marriage with him, but before Allah. He took you as his wife and was pleased all these four years. Therefore, do not look for a reason for frustration and do not succumb to the mood of your husband. Try to develop and strengthen the relationship with your husband. And your memories of the past only take away your time and energy, which you could spend for the benefit of yourself and your family.
Agree with your husband not to touch on the topic of your past anymore. This does not benefit your family and is your personal and inviolable secret.
Study your religion. Associate with righteous sisters in faith. Read verses and hadiths in the house. This will fill your house with barakat. inshaAllah.
Ask Allah to forgive you and bless your family.
I wish peace to your home! And praise be to Allah, the Lord of the worlds! Amen.
Elvira Sadrutdinova
