The child is jealous of the newborn advice. What to do if children are jealous of each other to their parents? Jealousy for the men of the mother

The birth of a young child is a very joyful event for parents. However, this happiness can be overshadowed by the jealousy of the older child for the newborn. For a firstborn, the arrival of a new family member is a huge stress. After all, the child will now be forced to share the love of the closest people - parents with a younger brother or sister.

He is no longer the center of the universe. Therefore, parents should respond correctly to the manifestation of jealousy and treat with understanding the feelings of a grown son or daughter. Adults should help get rid of the child's feelings.

Factors provoking jealousy of an older child to a newborn

Parents devote all their free time to caring for a newborn, and they do not pay much attention to the elder. Also, “fuel to the fire” is added by relatives and friends who admire the baby and do not notice that the older one also needs support and care.
Mistakes of parents: the older child is sent to live with grandparents, or moved to another bed, to another room. This is especially painful for an older child if he used to sleep with his parents in the same bed. In this case, the elder must be moved to a separate room or bed during pregnancy. Otherwise, this negative event for him will be associated exclusively with the appearance of a brother or sister in the house.
Little or very big difference in age. If the child is not yet 3 years old, he is very attached to his mother. And the appearance of a younger brother or sister for him is a kind of betrayal of the closest person - his mother.
If the child is already of school age, then he is used to the fact that all the attention of parents and relatives goes only to him. And when the love of loved ones must be shared, it is very unusual and difficult. Negative emotions cannot be avoided.
children of the same sex. Between same-sex children, rivalry is often more pronounced. Also, competition for parental attention may be more pronounced if the eldest child is a boy.
Changing the daily routine and rules of behavior at home. If earlier the eldest child lived according to the schedule set by the parents, now everyone revolves around the baby. You have to sleep when the baby does it. It is no longer possible to scream and run around the house. At night, it is not always possible to fully sleep because of the exclamations of the younger.

Signs of jealousy in an older child can manifest themselves in different forms. For example, a child offers to leave his younger brother or sister on the street in a stroller or send him to live with his grandparents. There may also be the following changes in behavior:

The child plays baby. Requires a pacifier, a bottle, a breast or asks to shake on the handles, like a newborn.
Loss of previously acquired skills. A preschool child may pee in his pants, ask to be spoon-fed, ask to be dressed, and so on.
restless behavior. The child throws tantrums for the slightest reason, sleeps poorly, is naughty.
The emergence of fears. If the child fell asleep alone, now he says that he is scared, i.e. there is a fear of the dark.
The emergence of psychosomatic disorders. The child may begin to stutter, a tic appears. Or there are frequent SARS, abdominal pain and other disorders.
The child acts as a nanny. The elder tries to portray the ideal brother or sister, takes care of the baby for a long time, but at the same time violations from points 1-5 occur.

An older child with the advent of a younger brother or sister will try in every possible way to attract the attention of parents. Often these methods have a negative connotation in the eyes of adults. If an older child pretends to be a baby, play along a little with him: swaddle, shake on the handles. Spend no more than 15 minutes a day on this. So the child will feel more protected and loved.

If the “playing like a newborn” and the loss of previously acquired skills dragged on for more than 2 months, then you urgently need to go with your older child for a consultation with a psychologist. Since such behavior is fraught with complications. Necessary treatment may be prescribed by a neurologist or psychiatrist.

To reduce stress for an older child, it is necessary to prepare him for the birth of a younger one during pregnancy. Tell your older child that he will soon have a brother or sister. With him (her) it will be possible to play ball, cars or dolls, ride a bicycle, scooter. However, this takes time. At first, the baby does not know how to do anything. Only suck breasts (bottle), scream, dirty diapers and diapers. Therefore, the mother will devote a lot of time to caring for the baby. Tell the elder that you will be grateful if the son (daughter) will help in caring for the younger child.

Ask a senior for help when you pack things for the hospital. Warn the child that you will not be at home for several days, and then you will arrive with your little brother or sister. Make an appointment to call during your absence. So the child will be less lonely.

Ask your child to draw something for a younger brother or sister. You don't have to send your child to visit grandparents while you are in the hospital. Let him meet you with a newborn from the hospital. So he will more easily accept a brother or sister.

Before giving birth, entrust the child with the performance of some of your duties. For example, wipe the dust, water the flowers or feed the fish in the aquarium. So he will understand that he has a responsible assignment and will feel needed.

If the parents prepared the eldest child in advance for the birth of the youngest, then jealousy on the part of the first-born will be manifested to a lesser extent. However, this does not mean that the eldest son or daughter will not be jealous of the newborn at all.

All children are jealous of each other and this is normal. Jealousy can simply be expressed in varying degrees. To avoid the manifestation of strong jealousy of an older child or minimize it, use our tips:

First of all, the older child must be told not to hide his emotions. Let him express when he has negative feelings: anger, fear, resentment, helplessness, envy, feelings of hostility, inferiority. You must be sympathetic to this. It is also necessary to designate a rule for the elder: In no case should you beat the newborn and do not shout at him.
Do not force your son or daughter to play with the baby. Let him take the initiative and play with his sister (brother) when he wants.
Involve the older child in the care of the newborn. For example, ask for a diaper, bottle, or diaper. However, the help of a senior should not be excessive. Let him have time for his own affairs: games, watching cartoons, chatting with friends, etc. It is not necessary to ask a child in an orderly manner: “Come on, quickly bring a diaper here.” Your requests should be voiced in a good tone: “Help mom, please bring a diaper.” And be sure, when the child fulfills the request, praise him and thank him (“well done, thank you”).
If you are buying something for a toddler, then make a purchase for an older child as well. Or set aside a day when you can go shopping with your older child and make purchases only for him (her). It will also be good to take the older child to the zoo, to the circus or organize other entertainment. At the same time, it is better to leave the younger one at home with his grandfather or grandmother.
Do not forbid the firstborn to use the toys of the younger child. Despite the fact that from an adult point of view, the elder's play with rattles looks ridiculous.
Avoid in communication with the elder phrases: “He is small, and you are an adult, why do you need him ... (toys, clothes, bottle, nipple)?”. Or, for example: “He is small, and you, as the elder, must always yield.” In this way, you will only increase the feeling of jealousy. The elder will protest even more.
Do not cancel your elder's favorite rituals. For example, playing with mom, reading fairy tales. Try not to deprive the attention of the firstborn.
Do not set the younger as an example to the older in such a way as to humiliate him. For example, you can’t say to the firstborn: “Look how the baby eats well, not like you. It’s a whole problem to feed you like that.” It is necessary to voice the comparison in such a way as to praise and cheer up the elder. For example, “Look, the baby still does not know how to eat on its own, and you are already big (big). Show your sister (brother) how to eat.

The main task of parents after the appearance of a newborn in the house is to help the older child deal with their feelings, emotions and learn to overcome the negative state. No need to scold the firstborn, for his expression of jealousy. So you will only aggravate the internal suffering of the child. Be patient. Give the full amount of attention to the older child. praise him when he deserves it. After some time, the children will grow up and begin to play together. If parents distribute a portion of love between children equally, there will be much less reasons for children's jealousy.

Hello, my name is Alya Badanina, in the recent past I am the editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan, and now I am the mother of two children. Irisha will soon be 11 years old, and she is actively entering the phase of puberty. Kostya is 11 months old, and he just walks actively. These two and a couple of dozen children of my friends I would like to discuss with you every week.

Everything started very well

The news of my possible pregnancy somewhat shocked my husband and I, we recovered for a couple of days, and then made an appointment with the doctor. It was summer, school holidays, we took Irisha with us to the clinic. While she was looking at the pictures at the reception, I went to the doctor, everything was confirmed, at the exit I happily nodded to the future dad. On the street, we somehow very calmly and joyfully told 8-year-old Irisha about the news.

- ABOUT! And I guessed!

- Is it true?

- Yeah, you were whispering all evening yesterday - this is one, but two - in the hospital there were a lot of funny pictures with children and bears on the walls.

I was very happy with her reaction. We chatted for a long time about the name, gender, how the baby develops, who he looks like at 6 weeks old and everything else. Later, we made bets on who would be: a boy or a girl, sang a lullaby together to the stomach, stroked, talked to him. Irisha was very supportive of me during toxicosis, she understood that now my mother could not do everything - during a trip to St. gravity and all. In a word, I have already begun to assume that we will become a very happy family, where there will be neither jealousy, nor anger, nor any other unpleasant moments between the children.

And in vain

We gave birth in another country, which in itself was stressful for the girl. Strangers, three whole months away from her friends, familiar social circles, dancing and everything she was used to. I tried to walk with her in the park more often, to swim together, with my husband they rode a bicycle for hours. We ate fruit and fresh berries. And suddenly she said:

— I hope he (pointing to my stomach) will also be allergic!

- Why do you say that? - I was very surprised.

- Well ... I don’t want to suffer alone and not eat strawberries with oranges!

It was very unexpected for me. After all our lullabies. But it didn’t work out for a long time to think about it, the next day we left for the maternity hospital. And my daughter went to school.

Our birth was delayed, the boy was in no hurry to hatch for us. While my husband left for Irisha so that we could all get to know our son and brother together, the doctors decided to operate. Irisha took everything she was told in a completely adult way and agreed to wait an hour in the waiting room, jumping on a fitball and switching channels on the TV. The nurse was the first (after mom, dad and doctors) to show Kostya to her, allowed her to touch him, see how he was weighed and swaddled.

By nightfall, my chills intensified, my legs were very swollen, and the young father decided to stay with me in the ward. He took Irisha to his acquaintances, with whom we discussed a similar scenario in advance. Two days later we were discharged, we took pictures at the hospital and went home. All this time - when my daughter came to our ward and on the way home - I watched her. I was afraid that our “allergic” dialogue would not be repeated.

How do we deal with feelings

What was at home

I read articles on the Internet, how and in which countries it is customary to process the navel, which diapers are better, whether it is worth swaddling. Tried different methods of breastfeeding. We spent the whole evening with our new and cool Kostyanchik. Irisha sometimes went into the bedroom, but most of the evening she sat in front of the TV. Finally, when the baby fell asleep sweetly, I went out to her. I still remember her expression at that moment:

- ALL??? And now take good care of me!!!

I just collapsed on the couch next to her. It seemed to me that there was no 9 months of their beautiful pregnancy, these endless conversations about the future, about who and in what rooms will live, how they will play with their brother. As if they took me at once and changed my life.

Of course, then, despite my fatigue, I spent the rest of the evening with my daughter, we bathed, read at night and sang that very lullaby. I fell asleep in her room and returned to Kostya at night. And the next morning I opened the search engines in search of completely different information.

How do we deal with jealousy?

1. You are not unique.

Immediately after the search engines, I turned to friends with many children. Absolutely all of them told me their stories

about jealousy between children. This understanding helped me a lot. Moreover, I noticed that especially strong jealousy manifests itself either with a small age difference (children have something to share), or with a very large one (the child is used to 100 percent attention from parents).

2. Find support

Talk to grandparents, as well as aunts and other relatives, about the importance of their attention to an older child. Especially now, when you sometimes do not have enough time to talk or take a walk with him.

3. Communicate individually

Oddly enough, I heard this idea in one of my favorite TV shows. Children, and especially teenagers, communicate much better with each parent in private. In this situation, they are more frank, they have no need to manipulate. We now spend one of the weekends with Irisha together: only me and only she. And at home, when possible, we often practice or play in adult-child pairs.

4. Don't burden

The temptation is very great to leave the younger one with the older one for half an hour, especially when the older one has really grown up, is adequate and understands a lot. I do my best to drive these thoughts away from myself, I use Irish services only in force majeure situations. It is better to ask the elder to take out the trash, wash the dishes or do something else around the house.

5. But look for common interests

But playing them together is very useful. It turned out that even 10-year-old Irisha and one-year-old Kostyanchik can have many common interests: they dance together, build big houses from the designer (or destroy them), sing and laugh contagiously. The last one works best! :)

Tell us about how jealousy manifested itself (and did it?) in your children, and how you dealt with it.

Such a long-awaited, beloved second baby in the family. More recently, mom, dad and, of course, the first-born dreamed of his appearance in the family. Everything changed when the first-born saw with what love the mother rocked the newborn baby, kissed the hands of the baby. Jealousy of the older child for the younger member of the family flares up.

Affectionate, obedient, loving his parents little man is changing beyond recognition. Adults are faced with tantrums, screams, aggression against the baby, the demand to return the newborn back. It is immediately clear that the older child is jealous. Upset by the appearance of a little brother or sister in the house, the first-born may even become seriously ill.

Unfortunately, childish jealousy at the birth of a second child is a common occurrence. Psychologists warn that all families in which a second child appears face such jealousy. It depends only on the parents whether the firstborn will get used to the younger brother or sister in a mild or severe form, whether the kids will grow up as true friends or become completely strangers to each other.

Seeing that all attention in the house is paid to the younger child, the older one has a feeling of uselessness in the family. After all, mom spends more time with the baby. All the talk in the house is about the new member of the family. In the soul of the baby appears, a feeling of hatred for the newborn baby is formed.

Sources of jealousy

The baby was always sure that his mother and father loved him. All the time his parents showed him their attention, care, played together and helped with solving problems. The little fidget felt that he was the most important member of the family. Adults rejoiced at the first step, the first tooth. Mom showed photos all the time, where the preschooler was a very tiny baby.

With the advent of a younger brother or sister, the baby suddenly realizes that now it is not his actions, achievements, and even he himself is the main thing for his beloved parents. Attention, mother's love must, it turns out, wait. Mom does not run at the first cry to the older fool, she takes care of the baby.

The child is jealous of the younger one, because he does not receive the all-encompassing love that enveloped him before. The first-born is tormented: his mother does not love him, because he was not an obedient child. The kid feels lonely, abandoned, especially at night in the dark. The fidget lacks the attention and care that adults used to show.

Parents now simply do not have so much time for games, for reading fairy tales and walks. During a walk in the park, a mother sits next to a stroller with a baby, and does not rock the swing and does not help build a sandcastle. The little fool begins to be jealous of the baby. His jealousy of the newborn can sometimes result in hurting his younger rival.

It is very important for adults to develop the right line of conduct with their firstborn. If the older baby is jealous, be sympathetic to the negative attitude of your first child towards your younger brother or sister. The baby can have his own opinion. Adults need to understand how an upset child feels, to help establish good relationships between children.

Children under 5 years of age show their jealousy towards a newborn especially sharply. Older children no longer require such total custody as babies. Children over 5 years old can already play on their own, such children already have friends with whom the fidget spends a lot of time.

If a boy was the first in the family or same-sex children were born, we should expect a vivid manifestation of childish jealousy. Older girls adapt more easily to the appearance of a brother or sister. Girls are actively involved in the educational process, imitate their mother, try to help with the care of the baby: they try to change diapers, show rattles, play with the baby.

You should not turn a blind eye to the wrong behavior of your older fidget in relation to the younger child. In the case of active, aggressive behavior towards a newborn baby, a consultation with a psychologist is necessary. Don't try to pretend the problem doesn't exist. Childish jealousy will not go away on its own.

Showing jealousy towards a younger child

Sometimes the jealousy of the firstborn is manifested in obvious actions, but very often the child cannot express his feelings, and then jealousy leads to a change in the behavior of the preschooler.

The kid "falls into childhood." Especially often, children 2-3 years old show their jealousy in this way. The foolish child sees how the mother shows special care and attention to the helpless baby. Then the baby begins to behave as in early childhood: he refuses to dress and put on shoes on his own, demands to feed him from a spoon or give milk from his mother’s breast, stops going to the potty himself. Fidget wants to be carried on the handles too, starts sucking on the pacifier again.
Mental imbalance. The appearance of a new family member is a psychological shock for the fidget. The psyche of the firstborn is in a state of strong, constantly acting stress. The preschooler demonstrates constant mood swings: increased liveliness, bouts of incomprehensible tearfulness.
"Riot on the ship". Since you no longer love me, I will not obey you - the principle of the little rebel. The child begins to defiantly behave rudely, behaves like a hooligan, does everything in defiance. Parents often hear words of exhortation: love the little one, educate him, but I don’t need your advice.
The first-born asks to return the brother or sister back to the hospital.
Consciously trying to hurt the baby: hit the baby, pinch, push.
Takes away toys, does not let them play with their toys.
Refuses to give up his bed to a tiny brother or sister.

In order to minimize the jealousy of the older crumbs for the younger rival, parents should prepare their first child for changes in family life a few months before the birth of their second offspring.

How to avoid jealousy

Psychologists have developed tips on how to help parents prepare the little man for changes in the house. To avoid problems that may arise in the eldest with a second child in the family, psychology offers the following behaviors:

In advance, preferably 2-3 months, make the necessary changes in the life of a preschooler. Offer to sleep like a big one in an adult bed. If the older parents decide to allocate a separate room, present the move to this room as a new stage in the growing up of the crumbs. For example, you are already a completely independent baby, almost an adult, and you will have your own room.

Registration of a preschooler in kindergarten is also best done a few months before the baby appears in the house. So the baby will not have the feeling that adults want to get rid of him, so they are sent to kindergarten. In kindergarten, the fidget will have many new interesting activities, and mommy will have extra time for raising a baby.

Before mommy goes to the hospital, it would be nice to invite grandmother to the house for a few days. An affectionate female attitude will help the fidget to wait for her mother, without injuring the psyche of the crumbs with a long separation.

Returning from the hospital, mommy must kiss her eldest offspring, tell the preschooler how bored she was without him. Caress the fidget, show him a little baby. It is better to immediately involve your assistant in common affairs: ask your mother to lay out the things of the baby, hang rattles together. Ask about what happened to the little fidget during the absence of his mother at home. A preschooler will immediately feel that his mother still loves him, he will be happy to help his beloved mother.

Be sure to draw the attention of your older child to the manifestations of emotions in the baby: look, your brother recognized you and smiles at you. To prevent your assistant from accidentally harming the baby, try not to leave them alone at first. If the baby is formula-fed, you should not give your first-born to bottle-feed the baby.

Don't take childhood away from your first child. You should not say to the baby: you are the eldest, which means that you are obliged and must. You can not reproach the older kid that he plays. Do not tell the little fidget - you are already an adult, do not act like a little one, be serious.

The first-born should know: if another baby appears in the life of the family, the elder will remain a beloved little man. When mom is very busy with the baby, dad's task is to divert the attention of the elder from sad thoughts.

love the same

Children are very sensitive to any injustice. Any selection of one baby will be a painful blow for the second. The slightest imbalance in relation to the offspring will be immediately noticed.

Do not change the senior's daily routine, adjusting it to the newborn's routine. Every night, your first child is used to listening to a bedtime story you tell - let this tradition continue.
All children in the family should receive equal attention. You feed the baby, or he sleeps - talk at this time with the older baby. Offer to keep the conversation in a whisper, tell the preschooler how you looked after him when he was such a baby too.
Divide everything equally among the kids. You should not say: you are the oldest, which means you can do without juice. They took the baby on the handles, kiss the frowning older preschooler. The older child is not much older, he also needs affection, care, and love from his parents.

There should not be double standards in the family. You should not leave unpunished the hooliganism of the youngest just because he is the smallest in the family, and he should be forgiven. For good deeds, be sure to praise, you can encourage some actions. For example, allow you to watch another cartoon or read a new fairy tale to your baby.

Be sure to have a strict conversation with all adult members of your family. Usually grandparents like to single out one of their grandchildren, pamper him, forgive all pranks, completely ignoring the fact that another child develops a feeling of jealousy. Most often, grandmothers pamper the younger offspring of the family, reproach the first-born for misbehaving, thereby pushing the children away from themselves.

Never immediately blame your firstborn in any conflict situation. First calm the crumbs, then talk to each and find out who is really to blame. If a fight or quarrel started over a favorite toy, try to come up with a game in which fidgets will play together.

Always remind the children of their family affinity. Tell the first-born that the baby loves him more than the rest, he is always glad for attention to himself. Your first baby will feel unfairly offended if family members give gifts, buy beautiful things just for the baby. For him, the concept of justice will be especially acute. Excessive attention to the younger will only cause rejection, hatred for the small member of the family.

Do not compare the achievements of your kids out loud. Arguing who is better, who is worse - you will not develop the spirit of competition. Such discussions in the presence of children only further separate the family ties of the crumbs.

Very often, kids ask their mother who she loves more. Don't single out one to punish the other. Tell them that all children are a great love and joy in the family. It is the attitude of adults towards their own children that forms trusting, family relationships with each other in little people.

Patience, love of all adult family members, attention to all your kids will create a friendly harmonious atmosphere in the family. Relative little peanuts will not have a jealous feeling for each other. Kids will become real friends, which is very important in later adult life.

Alena is a constant expert of the PupsFull portal. She writes articles on psychology, parenting and learning, and child play.

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“The manifestation of childish jealousy is a normal and healthy phenomenon.
Jealousy arises from the fact that children love. If they are unable to
love, they do not show jealousy "
Donald Woods Winnicott, child psychiatrist and psychoanalyst

To start a conversation, a small experiment: Name the words that begin with these letters "B", "S", "P", "M". And now let's see. Surely the letter "P" and "M" you called the words "father" and "mother", but what about the letters "B" and "C"? Did you name the words "brother" and "sister"? In my practice (in groups, seminars) this has never happened before. I even tried it on relatives - the effect is the same.

What is the matter here?

And deal in "competitive instinct." The most irreconcilable competitors are genetically close: brothers / sisters. Another Austrian psychoanalyst Alfred Adler (a student of Sigmund Freud) described a case that illustrates how strongly the appearance of another child in the family affects the behavior of children: “The boy asked his parents to hold his sister in his arms.

Moreover, the parents were convinced that the boy loves his sister. But taking it in his arms, he soon, as if by accident, threw her on the floor. "Adler's teacher Sigmund Freud describes another case in one of his books. After the birth of his sister, 5-year-old Hans fell ill. In delirium, he shouted:" I don’t want any sister ! Let the stork take her back!"

In my practice, quite often I encounter various manifestations of childish jealousy and rejoice when it is noticeable. Because this means that the child can label his feelings.

Much more difficult is the situation when the child seems to be “not jealous” and even loves his brother or sister, and the child is 2 or 3 years old ... Such situations most often arise in families where the very thought of possible jealousy is simply unacceptable.

Such parents perceive jealousy as a "bad" feeling, by any means they suppress it themselves and try to forcibly instill love in the elder, ignoring the true feelings of the child. According to the same Adler, children who have common parents, but differ in age and sex, develop in different conditions, even if father and mother do not single out any of them.

Even if the parents believe that the attitude towards the older child has not changed since the birth of the younger one. Parents give him the same attention as before, did not deprive him of his former privileges, do not make new demands on him, love him no less than before the birth of his second child. All these conditions are necessary for the harmonious development of the child's personality.

But unfortunately, this is not enough. The main thing is that the child feels that his parents love him. So that not only you, but also your baby knows that mom and dad are still needed. In fact, it is not the real situation in the family that is much more important, but the perception of this situation by the child.

And the real situation is this - for the older child to be happy, from the appearance of the younger, there are not many reasons, rather the opposite! Before the baby was born, he was the only one! He is the main member of the family - parents and relatives paid attention only to him, toys only for him, only his interests were significant, his mother cooked the food that he loves and many, many other important circumstances.

And when the mother was pregnant, the child, most likely, was waiting for a brother or sister. This, by the way, is another argument of many parents in denying the fact of jealousy. And have you ever thought about HOW does the child imagine having a brother or sister?

Can he know and assess in advance WHAT he will have to face when the baby appears? Children are waiting for a sister or brother and present him as a partner for the game, and that's it. Older children (more often girls) fantasize about how they will perform all kinds of manipulations with the little one, like with a doll, only alive.

And many are very disappointed when faced with a real situation, in which the baby is still very far from a partner in the game. Moreover, often you can’t touch him, he screams, cries, his mother is constantly with him ... Having become an older sister or older brother, the child has ceased to be the only one and this is a very serious experience for the baby.

Our daughter even experienced the appearance of cousins, because she competed for the love of her grandparents, for our attention with her husband when we were visiting.

I talked a lot and told my daughter about it, we talked about her feelings, so she was free in them- she could come up, hug me and say: "Mom, I'm jealous!" and receive in return a portion of love, attention and assurance that with the advent of these crumbs, nothing has changed in my love for her.

Now she is 9 years old, but this competition, invisible to many, continues to remain in the background. Her behavior seems to say: "Look, I'm better!". For example, the nephew hit and cries for a long time, theatrically, everyone consoles her (including her daughter).

After some time, the daughter hits, as if by accident. That is, she did not consciously do it, but there was an unconscious impulse. I hit hard, everyone noticed it, paid attention and began to regret it.

What is the daughter doing? She smiles, wipes away her tears and says: “Oh, it’s okay, it’ll pass now” - and this despite the fact that she was really hurt and the pain has not yet passed, but this is a competitive struggle: “Look how patient I am and I don’t roar for half an hour !". Of course, all this is not thought out as a plan, she does not understand "what" she is actually doing and "why".

Now I would like to dwell on the "hidden" signs of jealousy:

The child became very nervous, easily excitable, capricious. Or vice versa - passive, sad, does not want to play or does not know what he wants at all. At the same time, he does not say anything bad about the younger. And sometimes he repeats "I love my brother."
The child has an eating disorder. He lost his appetite, his taste preferences changed dramatically, what he used to love, now he doesn’t eat, and so on.
Regression in self-care skills. In fact, this happens to almost all children in the appearance of younger ones, at the heart of this mechanism are very serious feelings of the baby. He sees that the baby receives a lot of love and attention, often the mother explains why (he himself does not know how to eat, dress, wash, etc.). And then the elder thinks - it means that if I become the same, then my mother will spend so much time with me. And the strict reaction of parents to such behavior of the child can only aggravate the situation.
Activation of chronic diseases(for no apparent reason), frequent colds, injuries. Any health problems in which the mother will definitely turn all her attention to the firstborn.

The influence of the difference in the age of children, on the experience of jealousy

The smaller the difference in the age of the children, the stronger the experience of the firstborn. Many parents believe that a 1-2 year difference is ideal, because children still "do not understand anything" - and this is a very dangerous misconception.

The main difficulty is that the goals and ways to achieve them in children with such a difference in age are almost the same. And this means that the competition will be quite tough.

Often this competition is actively fueled by the parents themselves:“He is younger than you, and does not cry,” “Sasha’s picture is neater,” “You are older, but you behave like a little one,” and so on.

Such comparisons do not motivate the child to achieve as such, they evoke completely different feelings: rage, anger, resentment, hatred and a desire to surpass his brother / sister at all costs, but not because he needs it himself ... But in order to to "defeat" him and, as a result, to earn the love and recognition of his parents.

If the age difference is 5 years or more, then provided that the situation is properly organized by the parents, rivalry can be minimized. Often with such a difference in age, the elder becomes an authority for the younger, the ideal to which one wants to strive. Well, for the elder, the situation when they are equal to him is also very attractive and not traumatic.

My cousin and I have a 4 year age difference. I remember how she followed me with a "tail" and obediently played games that I came up with. Well, having matured, I was her main adviser on the topic of relationships with boys, etc.

Now we have the opportunity to observe the same picture with my sister - our daughters have a 4-year age difference. I would like to point out that It is not only the difference in age that matters, but also the age of the children themselves.

The peak of their conflicts and difficulties in relationships fell on the age of 3-5 (nieces) and 7-9 (daughters) - they quarreled, fought, sorted out the relationship. Of course, there is another point here - they are cousins and both are the only and being together they had to learn to negotiate and hear each other.

In this sense, everything is different in the family of siblings - they are initially in these conditions, so the period of adaptation is faster.

A little secret of non-conflict relations

This is the so-called "marriage". When you take children out of a position of equals. For example: "Slavik, help Timosha tie his shoelaces", "Show me how to brush your teeth" - by removing from the position of equals in this way you give recognition to the elder: you are older, the little one looks at you. At the same time, you indicate to the younger the position of the elder and his authority.

But here, too, it is important not to overdo it. Do not burden the elder with worries about the younger, he should not do this. Try to make it interesting for him, and it will be interesting when he is free in this. This is your child and only you have to walk / feed / dress with him, etc. The elder may or may not do it.

Prepare your child for the birth of a second baby. Even if the firstborn is just a baby. Talk about what it will be like, that it will not be possible to play with it right away. You can consider special books, ultrasound pictures, pictures from magazines. Letting you listen to the kicks and the beating of the heart, tell me that he grew up in your tummy in the same way. Do not forget to talk about how your life will change after the appearance of the little one. And about feelings, too, do not forget that he (your first-born) will forever remain your first child, loved and adored, regardless of what the second one will be.
Teach independence and encourage its manifestations in every possible way. After the birth of your baby, this will come in handy. In addition, the child will not associate the need to eat on his own with the appearance of a "helpless" sister in this matter, if he did this already before her appearance.
In continuation of the previous recommendation, I would like to pay attention to one more thing. All the changes that should come with the birth of a second child are best done before his birth.- going to kindergarten, weaning (unless you plan to breastfeed both), weaning from co-sleeping, etc. Otherwise, the child may associate all these changes with the appearance of the baby, which means that the rivalry will be stronger.

Everyone's situation is different, and so are moms. If you understand that you can’t cope with two children at first, ask for help. Let the husband / mother / sister / mother-in-law take a vacation, time off or go yourself to where it will be easier for you, just don’t give the first-born to relatives for a while ... It just seems to you that the child does not understand anything and does not worry - for him this is a huge trauma - "A brother appeared, now they don't like me and I'm no longer needed."
To mitigate the situation of "entering the family" of a new person will help a gift to the firstborn. Remember the answers - as a rule, guests bring flowers to mom, a “beautiful bottle” to dad, and a gift to the baby ... Rarely does anyone think about a present for the first-born, but he also has a holiday and what else! He became an older brother or sister! Isn't this a reason to get the gift you dreamed of?
Don't react harshly if the first-born - dropped the pacifier, crushed the baby's leg, spilled milk, and so on. Be patient. And consider this an occasion to talk about his feelings. I was 12 years old when my brother appeared and when my mother did not see me, I pulled his arm or leg to wake him up. I wanted to play with him, but he slept all the time
Important point. Let your child be jealous! It would seem that a simple phrase "I see that you are jealous and it's not easy for you" can become very important for a baby.
Firstly, You call him his feeling and he begins to understand the name of what is happening to him.
Secondly, such your reaction "legalizes" this feeling - the child gets permission to feel jealousy, which means there is no need to suppress it.
Buying a new thing for the youngest, pamper your elders too.
Consult with the firstborn: what to wear, which way to go for a walk and listen to the advice. Designate the position of the elder - he is more experienced, he is an example for the baby.
When you are busy with your little one, ask your husband/grandmother and so on pay attention to elders.
Spending time with the younger can be beneficial for the older. For example, while you are breastfeeding your baby, you can read a book that is interesting to the elder. Even a physics textbook. The little one doesn't care, but the older one is pleased
You should have time that you will spend only with one of the children. Only with the elder or only with the younger.
Find time for yourself! It is necessary. Raising two or more children requires much more effort, patience, and attention. Take care of yourself!

Remember that the birth of a second child is the time when a mother should pay maximum attention to the first! At first, the baby does not need much - food, care and mother's warmth.

The behavior of jealousy is characteristic of a child from the first years of life: "I want to have my own and I will beat those who take it away from me." But the adult behavior of jealousy with characteristic phrases, intonations and muzzles, especially the experience of jealousy, is by no means innate or natural, it is already the result of social learning.

In the video, where a girl is already jealous of a boy in kindergarten, the girl is just playing a role, trying on the adult role of a jealous woman. She still does not have a real experience of jealousy - it’s early, but soon everything will appear: if she plays this role often and well, then feelings will soon appear. That is, in this case, it is not feelings that cause the behavior of jealousy, but the role of jealousy in the case of a good game begins to cause feelings of jealousy.

Real life examples

Jealous of father

For quite a long time, the child has been reacting strangely to our tenderness with her husband (hugs, etc.). Immediately begins to whimper, wedged between us, if you try to push him away, it turns into a roar. What is this? Manipulation? Rejection of dad as claiming mom's attention? What to do?

Jealous of mother

The problem is not with us, with friends. Girl beats relatives for 2 years, incl. and mom, while saying "go away." Mom left, and the girl was put out of the room, it does not help. Dad looked at it through his fingers, she did not beat him. For the time being, because now hit him too. What can be done?

Jealous of brother

My eldest boy turned 3 years old, and another boy was born half a year ago ... "Elder" was not very happy about this ... I was not ready to share my mother's and father's love with someone. Jealousy manifested itself almost immediately, although now, after six months, it is much less ... My husband and I are trying our best to pay more attention to the "Elder", but he is still offended, even if we just take the little one in our arms ...

Solution

Hug and kiss

Our daughter also often peeps at us kissing / hugging. Especially if we are lying at this time - he climbs under his father's hand and looks inquiringly into my face. In this case, I smile at her and, together with my dad, hug and kiss her)

Don't make a problem out of nothing

With the birth of a baby, the elder for some time painfully perceives the “invasion” of his territory. His well-known role is that of a sufferer: every now and then he asks again who they love more, asks to kiss him as many times as a crying baby, carefully counting and “weighing” all portions of affection. Monitors the observance of rights and equality in the family. Do not force him to help the baby - the time of their friendship will come by itself. Do not count on older children in raising the younger ones - after all, this is your child, not theirs ... Voluntary care for a little one should be pleasant, become a reason for pride.

Both that and other child for you remain, first of all, children – not big, and not small. Do not say out loud that your daughter is "ALWAYS big, she can do everything herself." In fact, she is “YET STILL little, she is only 4 years old!” - this is exactly what you would say to your friends if the eldest child remained, as before, the only one. You still need each other. At the same time, both of them are your favorite children, albeit with DIFFERENT qualities. Often problems are invented from scratch: do we love the baby more than we once loved the first-born or not? Forget about comparisons! Live here and now. Children cannot be loved equally - they are different people, because it is vain to compare the moon and the sun, day and night.

Perhaps the elder will want to stay a little in the place of the younger, just as helpless: he will ask you for milk, a stroller for a ride ... Then he admits that this role is not beneficial for him - so much for the younger to grow and grow to the age of his capabilities (and, by the way, never catch up!). Of course, at first there is a lot of fuss, disorganization, but over time, an optimal regimen, an individual lifestyle will be developed.

To each according to his needs

How to deal with jealousy? First, stop programming yourself for jealousy and other problems. If you believe that “3 years is the most unfortunate difference, especially for boys” (especially since, according to my observations, jealousy between girls is usually much stronger) - you will unconsciously record the slightest evidence of this very jealousy, pay attention to it, etc. P. It turns out that children will have an incentive to show this jealousy in order to attract their mother's attention ...

Second, what is jealousy? This is an INSUFFICIENT satisfaction of the need for another person. Therefore, first you need to try to determine what exactly is the NEED for you in each of their children. Agree that all children are different, therefore, their needs will also be different. And parents often strive to love their children equally, which stimulates jealousy.

Example: let's say one child loves halva, and for him the need to receive only this very halva from his parents. And the other one loves marshmallow, and for him only marshmallow will be happy. But parents strive to love their children equally, and give each of them 1 halva and 1 marshmallow. But the first child would dream of having ONLY halva. And he feels deprived, moreover, because of another child (he got the second halvinka!), Similarly, with the second child.

But if parents took into account the NEEDS of each kid, there would be no offense, everyone would get what they dreamed of ... I.e. for a child, the EQUALITY of the manifestation of attention from the parents is not important, it is important for him that he receives SUCH attention that he needs.

Jealousy for the men of the mother

I have a 10 year old boy. We live together (no husband). Not a single man can even come close to me, a terrible attack of jealousy begins, almost with hysteria. What to do in such a situation? Please tell me.

I suggest: see the articles What to do if the child is against a new relationship, Acquaintance of a daughter with a new dad, How to correctly tell an adult son that I'm getting married. Important article - All the best - for adults, but about tantrums -