Conception in fasting. Is marital intimacy allowed during fasting? Is it really excommunicated for marital relations during fasting?

Can you have sex during fasting? This question worries many families, especially young ones and those who have recently begun to observe church laws. Most believers, of course, will answer in the negative. Families in which the foundations of Orthodox Christianity have been observed for several generations adhere to an unambiguous opinion on this issue. Meanwhile, not everything here is so clear...

What do people think?

There are such priests today. Listening to the confessions of parishioners, they sharply condemn the “sinners”, give instructions, and attribute severe punishment to spouses in the form of abstinence. Thus, sometimes bringing discord into families and even destroying them.

Such excessively zealous ministers were spoken about more than once by the higher clergy during the councils. It pointed out to priests that it was unacceptable to force or incline parishioners to chastity against their will. And recommended to observe in conversations about special care. But from time to time fanatics are found everywhere.

Priests' opinions

Of course, if you ask a strict priest: “Is it possible to have sex during fasting?” - then, most likely, he will answer in the negative. Just a reasonable church minister, unlike a fanatic, will not insist on this too much. His response will be something like this: "Undesirable, but if your flesh is weak, then you can, but try to abstain as much as you can bear." People in this age are weak in their passions. The holy fathers will not impose very strict prohibitions on them, so that people do not turn away from the church at all and observe the canons to the best of their ability.

According to the priest of the Savvino-Storozhevsky monastery, it is forbidden to perform marital duties during the Great. After all, Jesus calls these days to fight passions and bad habits, to get rid of sinful thoughts and actions. If such behavior is difficult, then one should turn to confession and repentance, which give strength and strength. The main thing is not to allow relaxation and not to succumb to temptations, supporting yourself with prayer.

Archbishop Elijah - Bishop of Novgorod - said that it was especially important to abstain on Easter week, as well as on Passion and Fedorov (the first). By the way, even the most tolerant clergymen recommend that spouses exclude sexual intimacy at least during the time if it is impossible to restrain themselves throughout the entire fast.

The verdict of doctors and psychologists

And what do people who are far from religion say about abstinence? What is the position of science on this issue? Healers of the soul and body, that is, psychologists and doctors, of course, do not impose a ban on sex during fasting. But they do not see anything harmful in abstinence, if it is not too long. In their opinion, there is even some benefit in this, because after a certain break, sexual sensations intensify and bring much more pleasure to spouses.

How about others?

How many religions, so many opinions. Each has its own dogmas, prohibitions and restrictions. Islam is considered one of the most strict. So, it must be said that Muslims are not very categorical in this matter. Islam does not prohibit sexual life during Ramadan (practically the same as for Orthodox fasting). But! The permit applies only to the sick, nomads and people temporarily settled in a foreign land. They can have sex during the fast, and everyone else will have to wait.

Orthodox exceptions

But Orthodoxy, especially modern Orthodoxy, is not such a beast. There are cases when the spouses met after a long separation, and their meeting fell just in time for the post. For example, a serviceman came home for a week, or a sailor returned from a long voyage, and a month later he was back on the road. It would be cruel to demand abstinence from them and, according to the teachings of St. Paul, even sinful. Especially if ahead is a new parting. In such cases, the Orthodox Church turns a blind eye to dogma and gives the green light to physical love.

The important point is reciprocity.

It happens that in a family one of the spouses is churched, and the other is not. Or just someone is stronger in spirit, and someone is weaker. And then, while the first is fasting furiously (including sexually), the second makes up for the deficit on the side. From the point of view of the Orthodox Church, this situation is even more sinful than carnal relations between spouses during fasting. And if you are not confident in your partner, you doubt his strength, it is better not to practice abstinence at all, but to go towards “hunger” gradually: through conversations, prayers and confessions.

Personal confessor will answer

So is it okay or not to have sex while fasting? Certain conclusions will be drawn by this article. But in the world there is not and cannot be anything unambiguous, categorical. A person must be flexible, listen to his soul ...

And every family is a purely individual case. And the circumstances are different. Therefore, the wisest said that abstinence should be by mutual consent of the spouses.

If the two of you cannot reach a solution, the priest will help. Just do not turn to an outsider on such an intimate issue. You can trust a confessor who has been leading the family for a long time, knows about the problems and circumstances of the life of the spouses and will be able to suggest a reasonable answer that is right for this particular case. Or rather, not even an answer, but advice. Who will preserve conjugal love and deliver from sin.

Hegumen Peter (Meshcherinov) wrote: “And, finally, we need to touch on the sensitive topic of marital relations. Here is the opinion of one priest: “Husband and wife are free individuals, united by a union of love, and no one has the right to enter their matrimonial bedroom with advice. I consider harmful, and in the spiritual sense as well, any regulation and schematization (“chart” on the wall) of marital relations, except for abstinence on the night before communion and asceticism of Great Lent (according to strength and mutual consent). I consider it completely wrong to discuss issues of marital relations with confessors (especially monastics), since the presence of an intermediary between a husband and wife in this matter is simply unacceptable, and never leads to good.

With God, there are no small things. As a rule, the devil often hides behind what a person considers unimportant, secondary... Therefore, those who wish to improve spiritually need to put things in order with God's help in all areas of their lives, without exception. Communicating with familiar family parishioners, I noticed: unfortunately, many in intimate relationships from a spiritual point of view behave “worthless” or, simply speaking, sin without even realizing it. And this ignorance is dangerous for the health of the soul. Moreover, modern believers often possess such sexual practices that other secular womanizers' hair can stand on end from their skill ... Recently I heard how one woman who considers herself Orthodox proudly announced that she had paid only $ 200 for "super" -educational sexual training - seminars. In all her manner, intonation, one could feel: “Well, what are you thinking about, follow my example, especially since married couples are invited ... Study, study and study again! ..”.

Therefore, we asked the teacher of the Kaluga Theological Seminary, candidate of theology, graduate of the Moscow Theological Academy, Archpriest Dimitry Moiseev, to answer the questions of what and how to study, otherwise “teaching is light, and the unlearned are darkness.”

Is intimacy in marriage important to a Christian or not?
- Intimate relationships are one of the aspects of married life. We know that the Lord established marriage between a man and a woman in order to overcome the division between people, so that the spouses would learn, by working on themselves, to achieve unity in the image of the Holy Trinity, as St. John Chrysostom. And, in fact, everything that accompanies family life: intimate relationships, joint upbringing of children, housekeeping, just communication with each other, etc. - all these are means to help a married couple achieve a measure of unity accessible to their condition. Consequently, intimate relationships occupy one of the important places in married life. It is not a center of coexistence, but at the same time, it is not a thing that is not needed.

On what days can Orthodox Christians not have intimacy?
- The Apostle Paul said: "Do not move away from each other, except by agreement for the exercise in fasting and prayer." It is customary for Orthodox Christians to refrain from marital intimacy during fasting days, as well as on Christian holidays, which are days of intense prayer. If anyone is interested, take the Orthodox calendar and find the days where it is indicated when the marriage is not performed. As a rule, during these same times, Orthodox Christians are advised to abstain from marital relations.
- And what about abstinence on Wednesday, Friday, Sunday?
- Yes, on the eve of Wednesday, Friday, Sunday or major holidays and until the evening of this day, you need to abstain. That is, from Sunday evening to Monday - please. After all, if we marry some couples on Sunday, it is understood that in the evening the newlyweds will be close.

Orthodox enter into marital intimacy only for the purpose of having a child or for satisfaction?
- Orthodox enter into marital intimacy out of love. In order to take advantage of these relationships, again, to strengthen the unity between husband and wife. Because childbearing is only one of the means in marriage, but not its ultimate goal. If in the Old Testament the main purpose of marriage was childbearing, then in the New Testament the priority task of the family becomes likening the Holy Trinity. It is no coincidence that, according to St. John Chrysostom, the family is called a small church. Just as the Church, having Christ as its head, unites all its members into one body, so the Christian family, which also has Christ as its head, should promote unity between husband and wife. And if God does not give children to any couples, then this is not a reason to refuse marital relations. Although, if the spouses have reached a certain measure of spiritual maturity, then as an exercise in abstinence, they can move away from each other, but only by mutual agreement and with the blessing of the confessor, that is, a priest who knows these people well. Because it is unreasonable to take on such feats on your own, not knowing your own spiritual state.

I once read in an Orthodox book that one confessor came to his spiritual children and said: "It is God's will for you that you have many children." Is it possible to say this to a confessor, was it really the will of God?
- If the confessor has reached absolute dispassion and sees the souls of other people, like Anthony the Great, Macarius the Great, Sergius of Radonezh, then I think that the law is not written for such a person. And for an ordinary confessor, there is a decree of the Holy Synod, which prohibits interfering in private life. That is, priests can give advice, but they do not have the right to force people to do their will. It is strictly forbidden, firstly, St. Fathers, secondly, by a special resolution of the Holy Synod of December 28, 1998, which once again reminded confessors of their position, rights and obligations. Therefore, the priest may recommend, but his advice will not be binding. Moreover, you can not force people to take on such a heavy yoke.

Does this mean that the church does not call for married couples to have large families?
- The Church calls married couples to be God-like. And having many children or having few children - it already depends on God. Who can accommodate what - yes it accommodates. Thank God if the family is able to raise many children, but for some people this can be an unbearable cross. That is why the fundamentals of the ROC's social concept approach this issue very delicately. Speaking, on the one hand, about the ideal, i.e. so that the spouses completely rely on the will of God: as many children the Lord gives, so many will give. On the other hand, there is a reservation: those who have not reached such a spiritual level should, in the spirit of love and benevolence, consult with the confessor about the issues of their lives.

Are there limits to what is acceptable in intimate relationships among the Orthodox?
- These boundaries are dictated by common sense. Perversions, of course, are condemned. Here, I think, this question comes close to the following: “Is it useful for a believer to study all kinds of sexual techniques, techniques and other knowledge (for example, the Kama Sutra) in order to save a marriage?”
The fact is that the basis of marital intimacy should be love between husband and wife. If it is not there, then no technique will help in this. And if there is love, then no tricks are needed here. Therefore, for an Orthodox person to study all these techniques, I think it is pointless. Because spouses receive the greatest joy from mutual communication, subject to love between themselves. And not subject to the presence of some practices. In the end, any technique gets boring, any pleasure that is not associated with personal communication becomes boring, and therefore requires more and more acuity of sensations. And this passion is endless. So, you need to strive not to improve some techniques, but to improve your love.

In Judaism, intimacy with a wife can be entered only a week after her critical days. Is there something similar in Orthodoxy? Is it allowed for a husband to “touch” his wife these days?
- In Orthodoxy, marital intimacy is not allowed on the critical days themselves.

So this is a sin?
- Certainly. As for a simple touch, in the Old Testament - yes, a person who touched such a woman was considered unclean and had to undergo a purification procedure. There is nothing like it in the New Testament. A person who touches a woman these days is not unclean. Imagine what would happen if a person who traveled in public transport, in a bus full of people, began to figure out which of the women to touch and which not. What is it, “who is unclean, raise your hand! ..”, or what?

Is it possible for a husband to have intimate relations with his wife if she is in a position and there are no restrictions from a medical point of view?
- Orthodoxy does not welcome such relationships for the simple reason that a woman, being in a position, must devote herself to caring for an unborn child. And in this case, you need some specific limited period, namely 9 months, to try to devote yourself to spiritual ascetic exercises. At the very least, refrain from intimacy. In order to devote this time to prayer, spiritual improvement. After all, the period of pregnancy is very important for the formation of the personality of the child and his spiritual development. It is no coincidence that even the ancient Romans, being pagans, forbade pregnant women to read books that were not useful from a moral point of view, to attend amusements. They understood perfectly well that a woman's mental disposition is necessarily reflected in the state of the child that is in her womb. And often, for example, we are surprised that a child born from a certain mother of not the most moral behavior (and left by her in the maternity hospital), subsequently falling into a normal foster family, nevertheless inherits the character traits of his biological mother, becoming over time the same depraved, drunkard, etc. There seemed to be no visible effect. But we must not forget: for 9 months he was in the womb of just such a woman. And all this time he perceived the state of her personality, which left an imprint on the child. This means that a woman who is in a position, for the sake of the baby, his health, both bodily and spiritual, needs to protect herself in every possible way from what may be permissible in normal times.

I have a friend who has a large family. It was very difficult for him as a man to abstain for nine months. After all, it is not useful for a pregnant woman, probably, even to caress her own husband, since this still affects the fetus. What is a man to do?
- Here I'm talking about the ideal. And whoever has some infirmities - there is a confessor. A pregnant wife is not a reason to have a mistress.

If possible, let us return to the question of perversions. Where is the line that a believer cannot cross? For example, I read that spiritually, oral sex is generally not welcome, right?
- He is condemned as well as sodomy relations with his wife. Masturbation is also condemned. And what is within the boundaries of the natural is possible.

Now petting is in fashion among young people, that is, masturbation, as you said, is this a sin?
- Of course, it's a sin.

Or even between husband and wife?
- Well, yes. Indeed, in this case, we are talking about perversion.

Is it possible for a husband and wife to caress during fasting?
- Is it possible to smell sausage during fasting? Question of the same order.

Is erotic massage harmful to the soul of an Orthodox?
- I think if I come to the sauna, and a dozen girls give me an erotic massage, then my spiritual life in this case will be thrown very, very far away.

And if from a medical point of view, the doctor prescribed?
- I can explain it any way I want. But what is permissible with a husband and wife is not permissible with strangers.

How often can couples have intimacy without this concern for the flesh turning into lust?
- I think that every married couple determines for itself a reasonable measure, because here it is impossible to give any valuable instructions, installations. We, in the same way, do not describe how much an Orthodox person can eat in grams, drink in liters per day of food and drink, so that caring for the flesh does not turn into gluttony.

I know a Christian couple. They have such circumstances that when they meet after a long separation, they can do this several times a day. Is this normal from a spiritual point of view? How do you think?
For them, maybe it's okay. I don't know these people. There is no strict rule. A person himself must understand what is in what place for him.

Is sexual incompatibility important to Christian marriage?
- I think the problem of psychological incompatibility is still important. Any other incompatibility is born precisely because of this. It is clear that a husband and wife can achieve some kind of unity only if they are similar to each other. Initially, different people enter into marriage. It is not the husband who is to be likened to his wife, and not the wife to her husband. And both husband and wife should try to become like Christ. Only in this case will incompatibility, both sexual and any other, be overcome. However, all these problems, questions of this plan arise in the secular, secularized consciousness, which does not even consider the spiritual side of life. That is, no attempts are made to solve family problems by following Christ, by working on oneself, by correcting one's life in the spirit of the Gospel. There is no such option in secular psychology. This is where all the other attempts to solve this problem come from.

So, the thesis of one Orthodox Christian: “There must be freedom between husband and wife in sex,” is not true?
- Freedom and lawlessness are different things. Freedom implies a choice and, accordingly, a voluntary restriction for its preservation. For example, in order to continue to be free, it is necessary to limit myself to the Criminal Code in order not to go to jail, although theoretically I am free to break the law. It is the same here: to put the enjoyment of the process at the forefront is unreasonable. Sooner or later, a person will get tired of everything possible in this sense. And then what?..

Is it permissible to be naked in a room where there are icons?
- In this regard, there is a good anecdote among Catholic monks, when one leaves the Pope sad, and the second - cheerful. One of the other asks: "Why are you so sad?". “Yes, I went to the Pope and asked: can I smoke when you pray? He replied: no, you can't. - "Why are you so funny?" “And I asked: is it possible to pray when you smoke? He said: you can.

I know people who live separately. They have icons in their apartment. When the husband and wife are left alone, they, of course, are naked, and after all, there are icons in the room. Isn't it wrong to do so?
- There is nothing wrong with that. But you don’t need to come to church in this form and you shouldn’t hang icons, for example, in the toilet.

And if, when you wash yourself, thoughts about God come, is it not scary?
- In the bath - please. You can pray anywhere.

And nothing that there are no clothes on the body?
- Nothing. What about Mary of Egypt?

But still, probably, it is necessary to create a special prayer corner, at least for ethical reasons, and fence off the icons?
- If there is an opportunity for this, yes. But we go to the baths, having a pectoral cross on ourselves.

One grandmother here told me about this that when you go to the bathhouse, do not remove the cross, but take a piece of paper and close it. Moreover, she said: "Never take off the cross, only if together with the head." This, of course, folk art, well, but still? What do you say to that?
- This is, indeed, already some kind of folk art. Of course, you should not go to pray, you should not read the rule naked. But here, again, if I am naked and I want to pray, then I can read the Jesus Prayer. And, of course, I will not perform worship in this form.

Is it possible to do “this” during fasting, if it is completely unbearable?
- Here again the question of human strength. As far as a person has enough strength ... But "this" will be considered intemperance.

Recently, I read from Elder Paisius the Holy Mountaineer that if one of the spouses is spiritually stronger, then the strong must yield to the weak. Yes?
- Certainly. "Lest Satan tempt you because of your intemperance." Because if the wife strictly fasts, and the husband is unbearable to such an extent that he will get himself a mistress, the latter will be bitterer than the former.

If the wife did this for the sake of her husband, should she come to repent that she did not keep the fast?
- Naturally, since the wife also received her measure of pleasure. If for one this is condescension to weakness, then for another ... In this case, it is better to give as an example episodes from the life of hermits who, condescending to weakness or out of love, or for other reasons, could break the fast. We are talking, of course, about food fasting for monks. Then they repented of this, took on even greater work. After all, it is one thing to show love and condescension to the weakness of one's neighbor, and another thing to allow some kind of indulgence for oneself, without which one could well do without according to one's spiritual dispensation.

Isn't it physically harmful for a man to abstain from intimate relationships for a long time?
- Anthony the Great once lived for more than 100 years in absolute abstinence.

Doctors write that it is much more difficult for a woman to abstain than for a man. They even say it's bad for her health. And the elder Paisios Svyatogorets wrote that because of this, ladies develop “nervousness” and so on.
- I doubt it, because there are quite a large number of holy wives, nuns, ascetics, etc., who practiced abstinence, virginity and, nevertheless, were filled with love for their neighbors, and by no means with malice.

And for the physical health of women is not harmful?
They also lived for quite a long time. Unfortunately, I am not ready to approach this issue with numbers in hand, but there is no such dependence.

Communicating with psychologists and reading medical literature, I learned that if a woman and her husband do not have sexual relations, then she has a very high risk of gynecological diseases. This is an axiom among doctors, so it is wrong?
- I would question it. As for nervousness and other such things, the psychological dependence of a woman on a man is greater than that of a man on a woman. Because even in Scripture it says: "Your attraction will be to your husband." It is more difficult for a woman to be alone than for a man. But in Christ all this can be overcome. Hegumen Nikon Vorobyov said very well about this that a woman has a more psychological dependence on a man than a physical one. For her, sexual relations are not so much important as the fact of having a close man with whom you can communicate. The absence of such a weaker sex is more difficult to tolerate. And if we do not talk about the Christian life, then this can lead to nervousness and other difficulties. Christ is able to help a person overcome any problems, provided that a person has a correct spiritual life.

Is it possible to have intimacy with the bride and groom if they have already submitted an application to the registry office, but have not yet been officially scheduled?
- As they filed an application, they can pick it up. Still, the marriage is considered concluded at the time of registration.

And if, say, the wedding is in 3 days? I know many people who have fallen for this trap. A common phenomenon - a person relaxes: well, what is there, after 3 days the wedding ...
- Well, in three days Easter, let's celebrate. Or on Maundy Thursday I bake Easter cake, let me eat it, it’s still Easter in three days! .. Easter will come, it won’t go anywhere ...

Is intimacy between husband and wife allowed after registration with the registry office or only after the wedding?
- For a believer, provided that both believe, it is advisable to wait for the wedding. In all other cases registration is sufficient.

And if they signed in the registry office, but then had intimacy before the wedding, is this a sin?
- The Church recognizes the state registration of marriage ...

But do they need to repent that they were close before the wedding?
- In fact, as far as I know, people who are concerned about this issue try not to make it so that the painting is today, and the wedding is in a month.

And even after a week? I have a friend, he went to arrange a wedding in one of the Obninsk churches. And the priest advised him to spread the painting and the wedding for a week, because the wedding is a booze, a party, and so on. And then the deadline was extended.
- Well I do not know. Christians should not have booze at a wedding, and for those for whom any occasion is good, there will be booze even after the wedding.

That is, it is impossible to spread the painting and the wedding for a week?
- I wouldn't do that. Again, if the bride and groom are church people, well known to the priest, he may well marry them before painting. I will not marry without a certificate from the registry office of people unknown to me. But I can marry well-known people quite calmly. Because I trust them, and I know that there will be no legal or canonical problems because of this. For people who regularly visit the parish, such a problem, as a rule, is not worth it.

Are sexual relationships dirty or clean from a spiritual point of view?
- It all depends on the relationship itself. That is, the husband and wife can make them clean or dirty. It all depends on the internal arrangement of the spouses. Intimacy itself is neutral.

Just like money is neutral, right?
- If money is a human invention, then these relationships are established by God. The Lord created such people, Who did not create anything unclean, sinful. So, in the beginning, ideally, the sexual relationship is pure. And a person is able to defile them and quite often does it.

Is shyness in intimate relationships welcome among Christians? (And then, for example, in Judaism, many look at their wife through a sheet, because they consider it shameful to see a naked body)?
- Christians welcome chastity, i.е. when all aspects of life are in place. Therefore, Christianity does not give any such legalistic restrictions, just as Islam makes a woman cover her face, etc. This means that it is not possible to write down a code of intimate behavior for a Christian.

Is it necessary to abstain after Communion for three days?
- The "Instructive Message" tells how one should prepare for Communion: to refrain from being close to the day before and the day after. Therefore, there is no need to abstain for three days after Communion. Moreover, if we turn to ancient practice, we will see: married couples took communion before the wedding, got married on the same day, and in the evening there was closeness. Here is the day after. If on Sunday morning they took communion, the day was dedicated to God. And at night you can be with your wife.

Anyone who wants to improve spiritually should strive to make bodily pleasures secondary (unimportant) for him. Or do you need to learn to enjoy life?
- Of course, bodily pleasures should be secondary for a person. He should not put them at the forefront of his life. There is a direct correlation: the more spiritual a person is, the less bodily pleasures mean to him. And the less spiritual a person is, the more important they are for him. However, we cannot force a person who has just come to church to live on bread and water. But the ascetics would hardly eat the cake. To each his own. As his spiritual growth.

I read in one Orthodox book that by giving birth to children, Christians thereby prepare citizens for the Kingdom of God. Can the Orthodox have such an understanding of life?
- God grant that our children become citizens of the Kingdom of God. However, for this it is not enough to give birth to a child.

But what if, for example, a woman becomes pregnant, but she does not yet know about it and continues to have intimate relationships. What should she do?
- Experience shows that while a woman does not know about her interesting situation, the fetus is not very susceptible to this. A woman, indeed, may not know for 2-3 weeks that she is pregnant. But during this period, the fetus is protected quite reliably. Moreover, it also depends on if the expectant mother takes alcohol, etc. The Lord arranged everything wisely: while a woman does not know about it, God Himself takes care, but when a woman finds out ... She herself should take care of this (laughs).

Indeed, when a person takes everything into his own hands, problems begin ... I would like to end with a major chord. What can you wish, Father Demetrius, to our readers?
- Do not lose love, which is so little in our world.

Father, thank you very much for the conversation, which let me finish with the words of Archpriest Alexei Uminsky: “I am convinced that intimate relationships are a matter of personal inner freedom of each family. Often, excessive austerity is the cause of marital quarrels and, ultimately, divorce. The pastor emphasized that the basis of the family is love, which leads to salvation, and if it is not there, then marriage is “just an everyday structure, where a woman is a reproductive force, and a man is the one who earns bread.”

Question to the priest.
Relationships between spouses

Are oral sex between spouses acceptable in marriage?
Answers about. Andrey.
-This is an intimate question, the Holy Scriptures and the Holy Fathers say nothing about this. Do not change or pervert each other, but how you will caress each other, decide for yourself. Save the Lord!
http://hramnagorke.ru/question/page-20

Hieromonk Macarius (Markish) wrote an interesting article “In Defense of Marital Secrets”, which contains an excerpt from a letter from one woman: “My husband and I have been married for almost six years, we have two children. During our closeness, he wants me to drop my stiffness (in his words, completely inappropriate), to behave less stiffly, and I fulfill his wishes. But before marriage, older parishioners had already managed to enlighten me on this issue, what and how to do in the matrimonial bedroom. As a result, it turns out that, in fact, nothing can be done from what takes place in our family. My husband is dear to me, but I live in a constant sense of sin, repeating the same thing in confession from time to time ... "

To this, Father Macarius replies: “The same basic Christian principle, to give oneself, operates in intimate married life. Not to “satisfy desire”, “enjoy” or “satiate passion” - such attitudes only lead to the extinction of a full-fledged sexual life, both for men and women - namely, to give yourself, to subordinate your intimate desires to your wife (husband), to direct your will not for himself, but for the joy and happiness of another. This is well known to doctors, specialists in marriage hygiene - and unconditionally fits into the Christian concept of marriage.
Now for some practical considerations:
Repent for the fact that "older parishioners, what and how to do in the bedroom" intervened in the secret of your married life - and learn (and teach others) from now on to put reliable protection in the way of someone else's harmful curiosity.
Change little by little, little by little, the relationship with your husband. At the same time, you don’t have to indulge in any discussions (especially in the evening ...), but just make sure that he feels good with you: think about it, take care of it - and not only in an intimate sense, but in all the rest - especially since the "intimate meaning" in a true marriage is inseparable from "everything else." And in the process of such caring restructuring, guide your husband along the same path in relation to yourself.
Seriously engage in your spiritual life, the eradication of prejudice, superstition, ignorance. You need to find a priest with whom you will have complete understanding, so that the sacrament of confession will become for you a real source of enlightenment and a direction to perfection.
Your marital relationship, as it develops, should be a stairway to Heaven for both of you. Remember: the family is a small church.”

Saints Peter and Fevronia are the patrons of the family.

Does the Church really not define its attitude to the issue of marital abstinence during Lent? In fact, she accurately expresses her position: during the period of fasting, the sacrament of the wedding is not performed, and precisely because after the sacrament of marriage, marital relations should begin. The observance of marital abstinence during the days of Great Lent is positively indicated by the church rule: “Abstain from wives throughout the entire holy Great Lent. If he falls with his wife in holy fasting, the entire fasting is debauched” (Trebnik, Ch. 26).
In our age of ever-increasing temptations, the Christian must be guided by the word of God: “Be not conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may know what is the good, acceptable, and perfect will of God” (Rom. 12:2). In order to fulfill this advice of the Apostle Paul, one must carefully and sensitively treat the tradition of the Church, in which the centuries-old experience of pious and righteous people has crystallized. Then it will not be difficult to avoid everything that can be a temptation in the matter of salvation. Recently, this temptation befell the young hieromonk Dimitry (Pershin), who repeated the thought of Priest Daniil Sysoev. Father Demetrius made a discovery, stating that there are no canons in church law that would prescribe abstinence for married couples during fasting periods. Having made this statement, he quoted the Apostle Paul, not noticing that the words of the chief apostle unequivocally refute his arbitrary statement: lest Satan tempt you because of your intemperance” (1 Cor. 7:5). The idea is quite clear: none of the spouses should arbitrarily, under the pretext of piety, avoid carnal relations, but do this only "for exercise in fasting and prayer." This means that if we want to exercise in fasting, the duration of which is precisely determined by the Charter of the Church, then we must abstain from marital intimacy at this time.

Let us pose the question: does the Church really not define her attitude to this issue in any way? In fact, she accurately expresses her position, because during the period of fasting, the sacrament of the wedding is not performed. Why? Because after the sacrament of marriage, marital relations should begin.

The observance of marital abstinence during the days of Great Lent is positively indicated by the church rule: “Abstain from women throughout the entire holy Great Lent. If he falls with his wife in holy fasting, the entire fasting is debauched” (Trebnik, Ch. 26).

The opinion of Father Demetrius also contradicts church tradition, the spiritual meaning of fasting and the pious disposition of Orthodox people. To substantiate his assertion, he often uses wording taken out of context. Thus, Father Demetrius cites the 3rd canon of the Hieromartyr Dionysius of Alexandria (+ 265): “Those who have entered into marriage should be their own judges. For they heard Paul writing that it is fitting to abstain from each other by agreement until a time, in order to exercise in prayer, and then be together again (1 Cor. 7: 5). It is quite obvious that this rule expresses the thought of the Apostle Paul, which, as we have seen, does not give any grounds for allowing marital relations during fasting. On the contrary, the holy apostle just speaks of moving away from each other for a while “for exercise in fasting and prayer.” Hieromartyr Dionysius not only repeats the Apostle Paul, but also refers to him. Hieromonk Demetrius also quotes the 5th canon of St. Timothy of Alexandria († 385): “Question 5. If a wife stays at night with her husband or a husband with his wife, and in the morning there will be a priestly service, can they take communion or not? Answer. Should not. Since the apostle says: do not deprive yourselves of one another, only by agreement for a time, so that you continue in prayer, and gather together again, so that Satan does not tempt you with your intemperance (1 Cor. 7: 5). And here it is quite clear: this is not about fasting, but about keeping oneself before Holy Communion. St. Timothy, having answered the question posed, further retells the thought of the Apostle Paul in his own words. Finally, the statement of St. John Chrysostom quoted by Father Demetrius is a commentary on the words of the Apostle Paul already considered (1 Cor. 7:5).

Let us turn to the patristic heritage. The Holy Fathers teach us to understand church fasts as a school of temperance. Fasting is not a diet, but work, the purpose of which is the ability to subordinate the bodily to the spiritual. “Fasting is the violence of nature. Rejection of everything that delights the palate. Extinguishing bodily inflaming, extermination of evil thoughts. Liberation from bad dreams, purity of prayer, luminary of the soul, preservation of the mind, extermination of heart insensibility, door of tenderness, humble sighing, joyful contrition, retention of verbosity, cause of silence, guardian of obedience, relief of sleep, health of the body, cause of dispassion, resolution of sins, gates of paradise and heavenly delight ”(John of the Ladder, reverend. Ladder. 14: 33).

Defining fasting as oppression of the carnal principle, the Holy Church follows the ancient biblical tradition. “And David said, As long as the child was alive, I fasted and wept, for I thought, Who knows if the Lord will not have mercy on me, and the child will remain alive?” (2 Sam. 12:22); “And I turned my face to the Lord God with prayer and supplication, in fasting and sackcloth and ashes” (Dan. 9: 3); “So we fasted and asked our God about this, and He heard us” (1 Ezra 8:23). It was revealed to the pious consciousness of the ancients that prayer to God acquires a special power when a person, while praying, makes a certain sacrifice, oppresses himself, temporarily refuses pleasures. Therefore, St. Basil the Great says: “Fasting is not a new invention, but the treasure of the fathers. Everything distinguished by antiquity is venerable. Respect the gray of the post. It is contemporary to mankind. The post is set in paradise. This was the first commandment Adam received: from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, do not eat (Gen. 2:17). And this “do not eat” is the legalization of fasting and abstinence” (Vasily the Great. Creations. Minsk, 2003. P. 96).

Our Savior Himself sanctified fasting by His example: “Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil, and fasting forty days and forty nights” (Matthew 4:1-2). The sacred New Testament books say many times about fasting: “While they were serving the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said: Separate Me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I called them” (Acts 13:2); “And having ordained elders for them in every church, they prayed with fasting, and committed them to the Lord in whom they believed” (Acts 14:23). In the New Testament Church, Great Lent (Holy Fortecost) was established in the image of the fast that Jesus Christ performed before the beginning of His public ministry. The Advent fast also lasts 40 days.

Fasting people are well aware of how blessed the spiritual state of a person is during the days of fasting. Fasting is a wonderful school that teaches you to manage your sensual desires and conquer lust.

In St. Basil the Great, we find a direct indication of marital abstinence during fasting: “The husband does not suspect adultery in marital fidelity, seeing that the wife has become accustomed to fasting. The wife is not devoured by jealousy, noticing that her husband has loved fasting ”(Discourse on fasting 1). Do I need to comment on this statement?

I will cite the opinions of other holy fathers.

“Fasting humbles the body and curbs disorderly desires. But it enlightens the soul, inspires, makes grief light and soaring” (St. John Chrysostom).

“A good fast is that fast that is done with the aim of quenching the passions, bringing the soul into humility, hating pride, extinguishing anger, taking away rancor, performing contemplation, prayer and purification” (St. Gregory Palamas)

Fasting brings a Christian into a spiritual state. Purified by fasting, he is humble in spirit, chaste, modest, silent, subtle in feelings of the heart and in thought, light in body, capable of spiritual exploits and speculation, capable of receiving Divine grace. The carnal man is wholly immersed in sinful pleasures. He is voluptuous in body, heart, and mind” (St. Ignatius (Bryanchaninov).

The statements of Fr. Demetrius proved to be in demand by those who wish for a lighter Christianity. Modern hedonistic civilization, alien to Christianity, makes people pampered and relaxed. Elder Paisios the Holy Mountaineer anxiously told his children: “The Church of Christ is fleeing into the desert to be saved (Rev. 12:6), and we are turning the desert into a worldly city. And people will be tempted by this, will be left without help, and after that they will have nothing to grab onto. This is the great danger I see in the difficult years we are going through. Despite the fact that today we should live more monastically in order to have divine powers, we, unfortunately, fall under the influence of the worldly spirit, it changes us for the worse, and we become powerless ”(Paisius the Holy Mountaineer. Spiritual Awakening. Vol. 1. M., 1999. S. 77).

There are concepts and ideas that are axioms of church experience. For a person who has spent part of his life in the Church, neither quotations nor arguments are needed to accept them. These axioms organically enter the consciousness and connect with many other truths. A person who has a long experience of spiritual life does not need, for example, to prove that he should pray. He knows not from books and not from the sermons of priests, but he himself was convinced that prayer is the breath of the soul.

Many modern priests lack a close connection with tradition. Their pastoral experience is limited. Two young priests (priest Daniil Sysoev and hieromonk Dimitry), from recent pious students, as I remember them, became teachers-theologians. This circumstance easily explains the temptation that befell them.

Before monasticism, I served in a parish in the church of St. Nicholas in Khamovniki, which never closed for a single day. Here was the succession of the experience of church life. And neither we, the priests, nor the parishioners did not and could not have the question of marital relations during fasting, because the answer to it was obvious.
Hieromonk Job (Gumerov)

The biblical understanding of fasting implies for people who are married, and refraining from physical intimacy. This is one of the characteristics of fasting, but with a caveat that not I, but the Holy Spirit through the Apostle Paul in the Epistle says: this abstinence must be under three conditions.

First: mutual consent. That is, so that both agree, and not one side.

Second: abstinence must be for the purpose of fasting and prayer. That is, it is not abstinence in itself that is valuable, but abstinence in order to strengthen fasting. And third: the time of abstinence must be agreed upon by both spouses.

Great post is long. The whole post is about abstinence, and my other half says no. So - no. How long will you and I refrain? The other half says: “With you? For a long time. Exactly a day and a half." Well, and, thank God, that so little, that's good - not to suffer.

The strong must give the weak an opportunity to set the time. I mean spiritually weak, not physically weak. There are more women in the Church, and I must say one very important thing: many women, not knowing masculine nature, demand from men what is easy for a woman, but very difficult for a man. Therefore, I would like to advise women who are married to remember that the head of the family is the husband. Let him decide the question of the amount of abstinence.

And the men wanted to say the following: who has zeal for God and abstains... From pastoral experience, I came across many times when a husband turned to God, began to go to the monastery, his confessor began to demand from him that he refrain from intimacy with his wife during fasting. And the wife is different, she is semi-worldly, she does not have what her husband has. She came to church twice. We talked with her, and she said: “Father, I feel that he is growing cold towards me.” There is no cooling there - just another joy overwhelms him, spiritual. He found something new in himself, which he did not even suspect, but she experiences it in a purely earthly, feminine way. It is important for her to show that her husband loves her.

Therefore, we, husbands, men who are married, need, if we abstain, to ask ourselves: “How can I compensate for my love for my wife then?” What do I need to do then so that she knows how much I love her? Men have theirs, women have theirs. But the general church rule is that one must abstain by mutual agreement, only for the purpose of fasting, prayer. The Apostle Paul writes that also and only for a specified period.

From my priestly experience, I will say that, for example, I do not advise young couples entering into marriage to even think about this topic. I say: "Wait, catch up with us, here you will be 89, we'll talk, we'll meet." It's a joke. But in fact, young people should not start with this. First you need to acquire love for each other. And then - to the exploits. The main achievement is love. Here, to learn in the family, first of all, to yield to your other half and at the same time experience happiness from the victory over your pride. This is more valuable in the eyes of the Almighty than abstaining from intimacy.

“When spouses with a sick child approached John of Kronstadt and asked them to pray for the healing of their child, he sharply refused, saying: “You better remember what day you conceived him!” As it turned out, the conception took place on Holy Week. - "Candlemas", issue No. 2 - February 2009.

Archbishop of Yekaterinburg and Verkhoturye Vincent: “The vast majority of marriages that take place during Orthodox Lent do not bring happiness. Modern scholars say that up to 90% of marriages entered into during Great Lent or other fasts throughout the year fail. And the children who are conceived these days are likely to be sick.” - Interfax-Religion - Here is what priest Sergiy Nikolaev writes: “According to a doctor who has been practicing for more than 40 years, children conceived during fasting are very difficult to treat. I had to hear opinions that "guard" children are more difficult to bring up. The sin of intemperate parents can serve as the soil for the sin or misfortune of children. There are modern scientific studies about why children are born sick. Studies have shown that 95% of sick children were conceived on fast days, and from a scientific point of view, medical scientists advise: if spouses want to have healthy offspring, they should refrain from intimacy on fast days. - "Penza Orthodox Interlocutor" No. 11 (52), November 2006, p. 3.

St. Seraphim of Sarov pointed out the important role of Christian piety in married life. Here is the advice he gave to one young man entering into marriage: “Keep clean, keep Wednesdays and Fridays (fasts), and holidays, and Sundays. For not keeping cleanliness, for not observing Wednesday and Friday by spouses, children will be born dead, and if holidays and Sundays are not kept, wives die in childbirth ”- Metropolitan Veniamin (Fedchenkov). World lamp // M., "Pilgrim", Orthodox St. Tikhon's Theological Institute. 1996, p. 191.

The Monk Ambrose of Optina wrote the same thing in one of his letters to the laity: “Your wife’s illness, perhaps, was due to your own fault: either they didn’t honor the holidays in marital relations, or they didn’t observe marital fidelity, for which you are punished by the diseases of your wife.” Or another example. One couple had a son who showed some deformity of the soul. The Monk Leonid of Optina said that this was the punishment of his parents for their non-observance of church holidays in family life. - About orthodox marriage. St. Petersburg, Society of St. Basil the Great. 2001, p. 96.

The Orthodox Church calls on her children, according to pious tradition, to refrain, by mutual agreement, from fasting and on the days of great holidays from marital relations. However, situations are very different. It happens that an unbelieving spouse insists on marital intimacy, and the rejection of it will lead to the breakup of the family. It happens that a sailor husband returns from a long journey during the fasting period, and then again goes to sea. Therefore, this issue is resolved individually with the confessor for each family. The Lord sends a child to spouses; without His will, conception will not take place. Therefore, I would advise during the period of fasting to refrain from intimacy and purely pray at this time for the gift of a child after fasting. It's one thing if one of the spouses is an unbeliever or, let's say, unchurched. Everything is clear here: a person does not know what fasting is. And to require him to observe marital fasting forcibly means to subject him (and himself with it) to trials, the consequences of which can be very deplorable. The apostle writes: "Do not deviate from one another, except by agreement" (1 Corinthians 7:5). And it is not easy to reach agreement with an unbelieving spouse on the issue of observing marital fasting. But there is another side to the question: what if both spouses are believers and churchmen, if both live a Christian spiritual life, confess and take communion? And if they are already close to that “unanimity of souls and bodies” for which the Church prays in the sacrament of the wedding, but one of them wanted to break the marital fast? The fact is that here the agreement already exists in advance: both spouses agree that fasting must be observed in all respects. Against this background, the desire of one of them to break the fast looks like a whim, or a temptation. Is it necessary to go after him in this case? Ideally, no. In my opinion, if both spouses are already living the church life, the refusal of one of them to enter into marital relations during fasting will serve the common good, and the other half will only be grateful for it later. However, in real life, not everything is as simple as we would like. Therefore, there are no universal rules on observing or breaking the marital fast and cannot be. And if the question of marital relations in fasting worries you, discuss it with an experienced confessor whose opinion you trust - I think he will give you good advice on what to do in your situation. Priest Mikhail Nemnonov

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The Orthodox Church distinguishes multi-day and one-day fasts.
The main rule: WEDNESDAY and FRIDAY throughout the year, except for Christmas time and continuous weeks, are strictly fast days (unless there is special permission to ease the fast). Some monasteries also fast on Mondays (in honor of the Angels). Then, in the year there are 4 big posts:
1) Lent - 40 days; it is joined by Holy Week - the last week before the Bright Resurrection of Christ - Easter; moving post.
2) Peter's fast begins a week after Pentecost (Trinity Day) and ends on July 12 on Peter's Day; movable post, of varying duration.
3) Assumption - a two-week post from August 14 to 27.
4) Christmas forty-day fast from November 28 to January 6.
In addition, the following are considered strictly lean:
day of the Exaltation of the Cross of the Lord (September 27)
day of the Beheading of St. Forerunner and Baptist of the Lord John (September 11)
Christmas Eve (January 6)
and Epiphany Christmas Eve (Eve of Theophany) - January 18