How to determine: attachment or serious feelings? How to distinguish love from attachment: advice from psychologists

Is it love or just affection?

Almost all of us have friends who jump from relationship to relationship, and each time they assure that they "absolutely and unconditionally love."

For those of us who have been out of relationships for longer than the duration of their several relationships combined, it is completely incomprehensible how someone could "love" so many people at once. Let's be honest. This is not love. It's the fear of being alone. So right?

Yes and no. It's all about how we feel.

But what if our senses are deceiving us? What if we're just scared as hell of being alone, so anyone who gives us the slightest sense of security and comfort immediately passes for a kindred spirit?

Do you know that insight when, after a few months after a breakup, it becomes difficult to believe that you even said these three magic words to someone with whom today you would not even want to be around?

And it's impossible to understand how I could love someone so ridiculous? Someone so unsuitable? So superficial?

Well, it just wasn't love. It was affection.

I don't know for sure if your love is real or if it's a relationship for the sake of a relationship, but I can show you a few general indicators. These are the nuances to point out to a friend when he or she seems to be getting too attached to a one-night stand.

Because you certainly would not want to attend a wedding where one of the newlyweds would say “he / she is always there” as the reason for the event. And if you doubt the motives of your own love, just go over these 6 points to determine if your efforts are worth the time invested.

1. Love is passion, attachment is indifference.

This is about breakup behavior. They say that the feeling closest to love is a feeling of hatred, which is why after a break, all that beautiful, sincere love turns into rage and passionate, unaccountable hatred.

When you are just attached to a person, you will never get so angry. You will be overwhelmed by anxiety or irritation, but these anxious feelings will not lead you to something as strong and meaningful as real hatred.

2. Love is unconditional, attachment is self-centered.

When you love, all your thoughts are devoted to this person. For the first time in their lives, someone else's needs come before yours.

The only reason you buy a new bed is because you now have someone to share it with. Everything you do for your partner has a little to do with your satisfaction.

3. Love is difficult, attachment is difficult only when you are not together.

True love is not easy. You think it must be easy because love is so pure and beautiful, but anything significant and life-changing takes effort. You must help grow and strengthen relationships.

As far as attachment is concerned, there is nothing to cultivate. All attention is focused only on how often you can see each other during the week.

You need this person just as much as you need help. These relationships do not grow, bloom, or take other forms. As with the action of a drug, the “arrival” is short-lived, and sooner or later you will “let go”.

4. Love is freedom, attachment is a prison.

When you're in love, you don't need to keep your eyes on the person all the time to feel safe. You don't need to be close to the person to understand how they feel. You will never doubt the reciprocal love of this person and will not suffer from jealousy.

When you are attached, you do not have a real understanding of the partner's feelings, because you can only be normal in his direct presence. When you are not together, you cannot get rid of the obsession with how and with whom he / she can spend time.

If that person is also only attached to you, doesn’t this mean that it doesn’t really matter to him who to attach to?

5. Love expands the boundaries, affection - drives into the framework.

Nothing in this life can inspire such a sense of one's own omnipotence as true love. It gives a completely new understanding of freedom, renews and energizes. You are alive - and ready to conquer the world.

Attachment turns into a banal struggle for power. You constantly need confirmation of your worth. Everything should be under your control and the original “handcuff keys” are always in your hands.

6. Love is eternal, attachment is temporary.

When you love - truly love - it is forever. Relationship or not, this person will forever remain the love of your life.

It won't work with attachment. Attachment has an expiration date, and parting is only a matter of time. Attachment is fake, it is like being forgotten compared to sincere love.

Someday one of the partners in such a pair may meet his true love, and all this affection will dissipate as quickly as it once formed.

True love cannot be weakened, it stays with us forever.

Translation by Bright Side

Love and affection are two feelings experienced by a man and a woman in a relationship. Two feelings that are sometimes so difficult to distinguish and give them an exact definition. Closely interacting with each other, intertwined in relationships, complementing each other, love and affection can provide a strong union that will last for many years. Replacing the feeling of true love with only one attachment can destroy even the happiest family, introducing discord and misunderstanding into a once wonderful relationship.

What is love? This is a feeling of inspiration, insane happiness, passion and desire, unity with a soul mate, or maybe a feeling that tears the soul from the inside, does not give rest, makes you suffer and experience unbearable pain. For each person there is his own love, unique and special, understandable only to him alone. Of course, a feeling of love based on reciprocity cannot bring pain and suffering. Do not confuse true love with a fleeting love that puts "rose-colored glasses" on your eyes, or with a stormy passion that fills all thoughts with desire. Love is a deep, mature feeling that brings amazing emotions and sensations to life.

Love does not exist apart from attachment, it breeds it. These two feelings, woven together in the union of a man and a woman, give harmony and stability to relationships, but at the same time fill them with wonderful sensations, comparable to a state of euphoria. In any case, a loving person feels a sense of attachment to his soulmate, misses a long separation and cannot imagine his life alone. Attachment, going through life together at the same pace as the feeling of love, allows you to create a stable union of loving hearts walking side by side through life.

Attachment that has visited a relationship without love can give an imaginary feeling of love that passes after a while. Attachment, habit - feelings that are incomparable with love. The presence of only attachment in a relationship will necessarily cause their destruction. This feeling can be described as a physical need for some object, which cannot be compared with the divine sensation that love gives.

How to distinguish these two feelings and not get confused in your own relationship? Unfortunately, there is no single answer. A person who notices shortcomings in his partner that begin to annoy, experiences a feeling of affection, but not love. In a relationship in which there is respect, tenderness, trust, the very “chemistry” inherent in the relationship of loving people may be lacking.

There is nothing wrong with attachment, it is often the basis of strong, long-lasting and lasting relationships filled with a feeling of sincere love. A happy life together, built on true love, mutual trust, tenderness, affection, will fill life with true meaning and give a feeling of an ongoing holiday.

It is impossible to say with certainty exactly when the concept of love was formed. Even ancient philosophers and thinkers thought about it. It is difficult to imagine the modern world without it. There are many shades and types of this feeling. They are difficult to define and explain. And yet we will try with the help of qualified how to distinguish love from affection.

The evolution of love

At first glance, it seems that each story of human relationships is unique and unrepeatable. This is not entirely true. Love or falling in love always begins with sympathy. A person singles out one person from the surrounding crowd who seems to him the most interesting and attractive. At the very beginning of communication, the object of sympathy seems to us more and more attractive every day. Sometimes, even after a few days after meeting, the confidence comes that this is the very second half. Such feelings are nothing but love. With complete reciprocity and regular communication, love relationships begin. Gradually, lovers take off and begin to discover the shortcomings of their partner. Much of the romanticism and passion from the relationship also disappears. Comparing the beginning of the novel and its middle, it is difficult to resist disappointment. How to distinguish love from affection and understand whether it is worth trying to maintain a relationship?

Express test for love and habit

In your free time, while alone, ask yourself a couple of questions and try to answer them honestly. You can even write down all your thoughts. This exercise is advised to their clients by many practicing psychologists. Question one: what do you like about your partner? The listing of some features of appearance, social status or individual qualities of character is a direct hint that you are experiencing affection. A person who truly loves will answer that he appreciates the partner's personality, realizing all its strengths and weaknesses. Try to appreciate how this relationship has affected your life. If you are not interested in anything except your partner, and all other people are “abandoned” by you, it is most likely about attachment. Love is a feeling that preserves and develops a person. People who love each other maintain their own interests. Such an alliance is complete, each of its participants can have their own friends and hobbies. Now you know how to distinguish love from affection. The test above can be simplified a bit. Think about how you most often talk about yourself and your partner. "We", "our", "us" are the words of true love. "I" and "he" are a clear sign of habit or affection.

Five signs of true love

Still wondering how to distinguish love from attachment to a person? Remember the five main signs that characterize a deep feeling. The first of them is constant thoughts about a loved one. During the time of falling in love or attachment, we also often think about who we have this feeling for. Most often, these are dreams of a joint future and memories of moments spent together. Love, on the other hand, is characterized by thoughts of a somewhat different nature. A person who loves never forgets that he is not alone. We warn our loved ones if we are late; we worry when they are late, we miss them when they are apart. A good way to distinguish love from attachment is to analyze the quality of communication with your loved one. If deep, you can talk with each other for hours and on any topic. Popular wisdom says that love is the desire to make the loved one happy. Indeed, without this emotion, it is difficult to imagine this feeling. inspires. For the sake of a joint future and the happiness of your beloved, you want to be better and achieve success. A loving person soberly evaluates his chosen one. The secret of love lies in the fact that, knowing all the shortcomings, we continue to love and accept a partner as he is.

Attachment Symptoms

Many people ask themselves: “How to distinguish love from attachment?” The psychology of relationships gives the exact answer. Attachment differs from love by pathological dependence on the object of sympathy. In a relationship characterized by this feeling, there is always a side that "loves" and a second side that "allows you to love yourself." Addiction manifests itself in the desire to spend as much time as possible with a loved one and the desire to possess it alone. Very often in such relationships there is a hypertrophied feeling of jealousy. At the same time, the dependent party can be very jealous of other people, including relatives, pets, and even inanimate objects. Sometimes the attachment becomes so strong that in the absence of the "beloved" there is not only a depressed moral state, but also physical symptoms of malaise.

bad or good?

At first glance, it seems that it is love-addiction that can help build strong and long-term relationships. But in fact, this is a big misconception. Attachment brings a lot of problems to each of the partners. The addict is in constant psychological stress. He is sincerely upset every time a partner is not around. Most often, experiencing affection, a person realizes how dependent he is on his soulmate. From this grows the fear that the partner may disappear from the life of the addict. The side that "allows itself to be loved" has no easier time in such a relationship. The main problem is too much attention from the partner. The addict will call every hour, demanding communication. Surely he will be offended if his beloved wants to spend the weekend without him.

Love is respect and care

Love is similar to affection and falling in love in many ways. And yet this feeling is special. No wonder it is called the highest and real. Love never brings negative emotions and is built on pure disinterestedness. If you appreciate and respect your partner for being nice to you, it's about falling in love or affection. A loving person will take care of his soulmate. He really cares about how his partner's day went, and he is always ready to talk heart to heart, help in solving problems. Experiencing love, a person knows that his chosen one is not perfect. But, despite this, he respects him and will never allow himself to speak disrespectfully of him.

Love does not love?

Understanding yourself is not easy, but it is quite possible if you wish. And how to distinguish love from attachment in marriage and understand how your spouse feels towards you? You can get an answer to this question by analyzing the behavior of your soulmate. The easiest way to recognize affection from a partner. If the other half literally suffocates you with their attention and wants to control your every step, most likely there is no love. A simple way to distinguish love from affection in men: try to understand how jealous he is. Unfortunately, constant scandals and baseless suspicions have nothing to do with love. High feelings allow partners to feel harmony. Loving people almost never swear and always respect each other.

Is it possible to love your partner after years of marriage?

Realizing that in marriage you experience not love, but affection, it is difficult to resist disappointment. How to act in such a situation? Is it really necessary to file for divorce? In fact, you can live for many years, experiencing only a feeling of affection for a partner. But there is an alternative option - to try to love it. Try to give more freedom to your chosen one. Take care of yourself, find interests outside the home and spouse. It's not your significant other in your life that will decrease. By leading an active lifestyle, you will become a more interesting person. Perhaps this will help you spend more productive and quality time with your loved one. We hope that our article on how to distinguish love from attachment has helped you understand your own feelings and improve your life.

Dealing with feelings is quite difficult. The girl is sure that she truly loves, and then suddenly she meets another person and realizes that there was nothing in the past. Young people get bored when parting and after a while they simply forget each other.

How to understand when you met your fate, and when you just became attached to a person? How not to get confused?

You feel good and easy next to a person, communication is a great pleasure, and separation becomes unbearable, you yearn and wait for a meeting ... what is it? These are the "symptoms" of both love and affection. Very often, young people cannot sort out their feelings, mistaking one for the other. At the same time, longing is often taken as an indicator of love.

But everyone wants love. It is to her, the very real one, about which poets write poems, and directors make films. A young girl, having read and seen enough stories about love, is ready for it internally, and it is not surprising that she takes any object she likes for love. Not suspecting that in addition to this high-profile concept, there are more: friendship, sympathy, affection and love. And these are far from being synonyms, but various complex psychological combinations that are united by one thing - longing. In all these situations, a person yearns for his beloved, friend, buddy.

What is love?

In different dictionaries, this concept is defined differently. Some define this feeling as deep affection, others as sexual desire. But the main thing in the concept of love is the aspiration to another person, another person - the object of one's love. Love is a community of two people, it is a unity of souls, a desire to live the life of another person, to give oneself to his interests, aspirations and desires. Love is a lofty and joyful feeling that has nothing to do with jealousy, anger, hatred.

Love rejoices in the success of another, wishes good and does not require anything in return. It is selflessness that distinguishes this feeling from others. And when love is mutual, then this is a real gift from God, because only by mutual striving for each other can unity be achieved.

History from life:
They dated for a year in 11th grade. Fate separated them in different cities. For a whole year they talked on Skype, traveled to each other, corresponded, called back. She found life unbearable without him. She was only happy with him. All her friends understood that she had true love, and envied her. She cried, missed, yearned and wanted only one thing, so that he would always be there. She reproached him for inaction and was offended by fate that she separated them. And a year later, on a normal day, the male voice on her phone told him not to call again. She met her new love.

Could it be that a girl is so lucky in life, without having fallen out of love with one guy, she was able to fall in love again? Of course not. Just for love, the girl took another feeling.
In our story, one important detail indicates the lack of love: the girl demanded that the guy be there, failure to comply with this requirement led to resentment and reproaches. And love cannot demand anything for itself, because this feeling is always bestowal.
But what was it?

Attachment, what is it?

Another life story:
The family almost broke up because of the man's romance. For a long time he worked in another city as a “watch”, and one day his wife found out that there was another woman. The wise loving wife did not start scandals, but having presented her husband with evidence, she said: “Do you love? ... Go, let me go!” And gave me time to think. Needless to say, how much the man changed his mind during this time. He understood that he needed to choose one woman and lose another forever. But it was about love. He broke up with a new girlfriend, because he realized that losing her, he would experience longing, and losing his wife, pain. He explained to her: “I realized that I would miss our meetings more than anything and realized that I did not love you. I just got attached to you. I can survive this." A young friend threw tantrums, tore up the phone, poured reproaches. And the wife said that if he understood everything and made a decision, she would forgive him.

Of course, one can look at this story in different ways: put family life and a sense of duty, the wisdom of one woman against the stupidity of another, as an argument. But the most important thing here is choice. The fateful decision was made by a man. It was he who had to understand which woman he needed more, which of the two he really loves. It is worth believing that torment tormented him for more than one night. It was possible to sort out one's life only by choosing a loved one. And he judged correctly, taking as a basis the feeling of losing a woman. Comparing pain and longing.

Where does pain come from? It is from the break of souls. Love is unity, and after a break, you get a feeling of losing not SOMEONE, but a part of yourself. It has already been said about bestowal, and, having lost a part of yourself, given to another, it becomes unbearably painful. The pain is like a missing body part. Only the soul hurts. And mental pain is stronger than physical pain.

How to distinguish affection from love?

Many psychologists and philosophers puzzled over this question. Vladimir Levy offers the following formula:
“Love is measured by the measure of forgiveness, affection is measured by the pain of farewell…”

This is how he separates the two. If it is unbearably painful when parting, if longing squeezes from the inside and you want to be there, these are only symptoms of attachment. Of course, longing for a loved one accompanies love, but this is not the main thing. It is important to understand that you can forgive him: all or nothing ... Forgiveness is the measure of love. Forgive, as a mother forgives her children everything. Because she loves, which means she is disinterestedly directed at her child, wishing him happiness in life, not jealous, not demanding the return of love. Does the mother get bored when separated? Of course, he yearns, but he will never destroy the life of his child because of this longing.

There is another point in motherly love. The mother loves the child as he is, raising, grieving, rejoicing. But not one mother will not exchange her child for a more beautiful, smart, successful one.

In the story about another woman, not only the man showed his love, but also his wife, who was ready to let go or forgive, giving her husband the right to build her life, and readily accepted his decision. And as for the male mistake ... So the same is the phenomenon of love, to accept a person as he is: with mistakes and shortcomings.
So let's sum it up:

1. Attachment is an external attraction, while love is based on spiritual kinship.
2. Attachment can fade and flare up again, but love is a deep, constant, strong feeling.
3. Attachment negatively affects people's lives, making them yearn, love gives strength, because a person has something to live for.
4. Attachment is built on oneself and one's own egocentrism, love is completely directed to the other.
5. Attachment requires the other to conform to one's ideals, and love simply loves the way a person is.

Have you met a new person and felt something exciting inside? How to understand that this is true love, and not ordinary affection?

How do you understand the difference between love and affection? Maybe you just become more and more dependent on a person, and there is no talk of deep feelings?

This often happens to people. Often a person can change his beloved like gloves, being convinced that this is another true love. Perhaps this has already happened to you. And from the outside it seems that nothing can destroy such a relationship, but over time they break up. Then a logical question arises: was it love? Or is it just a spontaneous outburst of emotions that was aimed at avoiding loneliness.

Of course, there is no single measure that can measure feelings. No one will tell you if you love a person more than he loves you. Everything is very subtle. You need to learn to trust your sixth sense and sensations.

Unfortunately, this is not possible for everyone.

Each of us is afraid of loneliness. And this fear pushes a person to make hasty decisions. Deep despair can make you see things that aren't really there! Such an incorrect interpretation of feelings has an extremely negative effect on later life. After all, you can harm not only yourself, but also those around you.

Some cling so zealously to the belief in love that they do not give a quiet life to their partner. Actually, it's a weakness. This is a banal unwillingness to face the truth.

There is no universal definition of love. Because everything is individual. But this does not mean that it is impossible to notice the signs by which ordinary affection and love are determined. Many of us, based on our life experience, can easily understand what exactly we are experiencing. You just need to think correctly and not succumb to naked emotions.

1. True love is hard to part with; letting go is easy.

The surest way to know if you're experiencing true love is to lose it. When it disappears from your life, you lose all reason for being for a while. It's like you've been deprived of your very soul. Sorrow and grief presses from all sides. But if you do not experience something similar after parting, then it was an ordinary attachment that did not carry anything serious in itself.

2. Love is a manifestation of caring, and affection is exceptional selfishness.

True love does not tolerate selfishness. Once you are in a serious relationship, your priorities will change dramatically. The whole philosophy of life is turned upside down. You will constantly think about your beloved, take care and worry about him. But when you are no more than just attached to a partner, then selfishness will prevail. Everyone wants to do things that are best for themselves. It's easy to notice and draw conclusions before things go too far.

3. Love is not an easy burden; affection comes easily only when you are together.

Love is a very complex type of emotion that is found in every person. Often, it is very dynamic and it is extremely difficult for two people to maintain such a pace. There will be ups and downs in the relationship, but supporting each other will overcome all difficulties. During a casual relationship, when it's all about affection, you won't be able to get along for long at a distance.

4. Love gives freedom, but attachment paralyzes.

It is impossible to experience real feelings when you forbid each other to do certain things. Sincere love has no taboos. Mutual trust and bright feelings will overwhelm the lovers, and therefore they have no problems with personal space. Ordinary attachment, on the contrary, paralyzes. The participants in the relationship cannot be far from each other for a long time, and life without rules is not seen as possible. This is not love - this is prison.

5. Love is support; attachment creates stagnation.

True love inspires people to be better. And attachment does nothing: partners simply exist. Loving hearts can share their dreams, help each other achieve some goals, etc. They form a kind of driving mechanism that only strengthens their feelings. Attached people are locked in a little box and they don't want to be better.

6. Love is durable; attachment is limited by time.

Love is one of those feelings that lasts forever. We are talking about a real and sincere manifestation of this bright feeling. There is no place for the naked desire to satisfy your needs. Attachment has it. Therefore, it lasts as long as the partners are satisfied. But sooner or later the thirst will reappear, and they will start looking for new experiences. And new partners.