The child is worried about the divorce. What is needed to make it easier for a child to survive a divorce. Should you pay more attention to your child?

For both a woman and a man, divorce is stressful; during this period, a lot changes in the lives of both. And for a child to survive his parents’ divorce is even more difficult: his little head is visited by various frightening thoughts. To find out how to get through a divorce easier and to know what and how to tell your child, read this article.

How to talk about divorce?

Shocks acquired in childhood can have very unpleasant consequences in the future, and the divorce of mom and dad is one of the most difficult circumstances that children experience with great difficulty. What exactly to say to inform your child about a divorce is not an easy problem, but very important, which should be taken more than seriously and responsibly.

A huge misconception of parents is to try to hide what is happening in the family from the baby. Most parents believe that a small child is not able to understand the situation. In this way, adults want to protect the baby.

This opinion is absolutely wrong. The child senses your mood and sees the tension in your relationship much more than you realize. D For a child, understatement is a reason to think that the current situation is even worse than it is. The baby may withdraw and begin to feel guilty, but this should not be allowed.

Go to at least a temporary peace, invite the child to dialogue and explain to him that parents can no longer communicate well with each other. Don't blame each other. Tell him that the father must move, but will always visit you as soon as the baby himself wants it. Be sure to emphasize that the child is not to blame for anything, that mom and dad are at odds not with him, but with each other. Communicate with your baby more often, constantly talk about your strong love for him so that he is calm.

But remember that information must be dosed. When telling about your hardships, do not open your heart and do not tell details. There is no need for him to find out the real motives, since he may not understand them. state everything simply and very clearly.

The conversation that parents should have with their child when they decide to separate is very important. The content of information that parents want to communicate to their child at the time of divorce is important. The message could be something like, “We have decided to get a divorce, but regardless, we are still your mom and dad, and we still love you very much.”

The baby, having heard such news (of course, if it is genuine), will stop worrying and will be able to continue to live peacefully, without being a participant in dangerous and unhealthy conflicts between his parents.

To learn how to talk to your child about divorce, watch the following video, where child psychologist Natalya Barlozhetskaya describes in detail conversation tactics.

How to survive a divorce from your husband?

You need to realize what is happening. Changes will occur in your life, a once dear and beloved person will leave it. But you will stay, and that's the main thing. You had a life before marriage, with your own interests, friends and fans, a life full of colors and impressions? It's just a small change that will bring new adventures into your life.

Divorce is a great stress, but not the end of life. No matter how bad it is, you need to endure a difficult time in order to gain fresh strength and begin a new stage of life.

Find the positive. Write down in a notebook all the benefits you gained from the separation. Absolutely anything: night walks, new acquaintances, the opportunity to do something crazy, now no one limits you in anything. In marriage you had to make concessions, but now you can fully feel freedom and independence.

Allow yourself to be weak. You are going through a difficult time: it is natural to be angry, upset and feeling sorry for yourself. Don't try to suppress these emotions, otherwise they may manifest themselves in the form of illnesses and troubles. Express your state in words: “I’m upset and offended because...” and explain why. The spoken experiences will become easier and eventually disappear.

Throw out everything negative. Don't get angry, and especially don't take revenge. Everything comes back to us, and you are going to live happily. To discharge emotions, the best way is an active lifestyle, for example, reasonable extreme sports. It will be very good if you express what you feel and experience to your ex-spouse. This way, according to Gestalt psychology, you will complete the event and your thoughts will not return you to the traumatic situation.

Imagine the future. Even if you don’t feel very good now, you will definitely feel better soon. Remember the troubles you experienced long ago: in those situations you thought that things couldn’t get worse, but everything always worked out and ended well. The same will happen after a divorce. Concentrate on the good, imagine that everything has passed, try to experience joyful feelings. This will speed up the adaptation process.

Love only yourself. In marriage, you took care of the whole family, you had to infringe on yourself in some way. Now do everything only for yourself. Allow yourself all sorts of pleasures more often, forget about your duty and obligation.

Summarize. Without emotions, figure out why the divorce happened. Don’t blame anyone, take an unbiased look at him and yourself from the outside. Draw conclusions - this will help you avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

Keep living! There are many reasons to rejoice, go for walks, meet friends. Let life take its course and you will be open to new relationships again. Or maybe you will have another dream?

If you have a child together

Before the divorce, the whole family was together, but now it’s not like that. Feelings of loneliness and regret prevail. The usual structure of life has changed. Regardless of the age and gender of the baby, you should definitely talk to him, perhaps more than once, try to explain the changes in family relationships, and under no circumstances leave the baby alone with himself.

Probably at this moment it will be clear how to cope with a divorce from your husband if you have children. It is unacceptable to limit the father’s communication with the child - having lost the status of a husband, he is still a father. The baby can decide for himself whether he will contact his father, who for him is the strongest, the smartest, the most beautiful. The moment of delineating responsibilities for caring for a child deserves special attention, especially if the child is too young and does not realize what happened. When a father visits a child, he should have only one goal - to visit the baby. What I mean is that mother should not even allow father to think that he can count on something more.

You are not alone. Millions of couples divorced, and the girls became wives again, started a family, and their lives took on a new meaning. Believe me, your sadness is not the worst thing in the world, and it is possible to overcome it.

The best thing to do is forgive and let go. There was a marriage, it created reasons for various emotions and experiences, but due to objective circumstances the family no longer exists. Try to forget and leave all the bad things, and remember and preserve the good moments. A new life must begin with a positive past.

Experience new feelings. After a breakup, life is filled with a vacuum that is not immediately easy to fill. Everything old left over from the ex-husband gradually dies away, and what remains can cause pain. Try to fill this vacuum with something new, do what you have wanted for a long time. New impressions will crowd out old thoughts, so you need maximum positivity to quickly forget everything.

Start keeping a journal. And every day try to write down all the pleasant moments that happen to you. Even if it’s a small thing – just an eaten chocolate bar. It is important that you see how wonderful life is, there are many joyful moments in it and there is room for pleasant discoveries.

How to survive a divorce from your wife if you have a child?

Divorce is a trial that can have varying degrees of severity. It all depends on the reasons that led to the divorce. It is much more difficult psychologically to experience a separation if there is a child. And divorce occurs much easier in the absence of children.

Most often, when a family breaks up, children remain with their mother. Thus, at the same time, the husband lost both the woman and the baby, whom he can now only visit occasionally. When the child is an adult, everything is much easier; his psyche will not be subject to such serious stress. If there are several small children in a family, parents need to behave extremely delicately.

Under no circumstances should you prevent your relationship with your children from deteriorating. It is recommended to avoid involving children in the topic of divorce. It is necessary to intelligently resolve the issue of raising children together. It is also important that children understand that this situation has not changed your relationship. Most likely, it will not be possible to avoid painful emotions for both a child and a teenager, but this condition can be alleviated as much as possible.

It is necessary to recognize the already accomplished dissolution of the marriage. A man should absolutely come to terms with it and not protest it even in his soul. Try to avoid frequent loneliness. Immediately after a divorce, men especially urgently need an interlocutor. I advise you to talk not only about events, but also about your feelings about them.

Alcohol abuse is unacceptable. A small dose will help you relax, but frequent drinking will only cause harm. Try to maintain a normal relationship with your ex-wife, this will prevent possible problems in the future. You should not go to extremes, do not blame yourself or anyone else. A new hobby will be a great way to distract yourself. A visit to a professional psychoanalyst will also be useful.

How to help a child during this period?

Try to communicate with your children more often during this time, try to understand their concerns, and do not refuse to answer questions, despite the fact that you have already answered them.

If the child does not ask anything, try to start a conversation yourself, especially if it is clear that the child has changed his behavior. A child who is forced to overcome his feelings alone suffers much more than a child who openly expresses his feelings.

Kindly and lovingly, constantly convince the child that he is loved and will be loved, that he will continue to be able to communicate with dad (only if this is true), that he is not guilty, etc. The child must understand that you and your ex-spouse are now friends, Don’t incite baby and dad against each other. Do not expose your child to a choice of who he prefers to be with; make your own decision about who is able to surround your common child with attention and care.

Divide the circle of responsibility: for example, the ex-husband (wife) goes somewhere with the child on the weekends and goes shopping with him. You study homework with your child and pick him up from school.

During this difficult time, you need to be especially attentive and patient. The child may become more dependent on his mother, strive to spend all his time with her, may be capricious and whiny, enuresis and violent impulses are possible. If the child is not provided with appropriate support and a response to his emotions, neurotic symptoms may appear (enuresis, aggression, depression, nervous tics, developmental decline). All this means that the baby’s consciousness cannot cope without outside help, and his experiences are too strong.

What to do if your baby is very worried?

Many mothers and fathers count on the fact that the child will not worry too much about the divorce, and everything will go painlessly for him. Perceiving their desires as reality, they do not pay attention to how the child is experiencing. It’s difficult to understand, but we must understand that the separation of spouses is very painful for children.

During and after a divorce, a child’s anxiety may increase:

fear of losing mom (dad);
fear that his parents no longer love him;
aggression: arises from feelings of betrayal and loneliness. Both mom and dad can be subject to aggression;
The child blames himself for what is happening.

It is impossible for a healthy child to not react to what is happening in the house; he will still feel nervous and worried. Outwardly he may be calm and indifferent, but his internal state will be alarming.

When you decide to get a divorce, try to take into account the interests of the children and do not be fooled by blinding emotions.

After divorce

Normally, after a divorce, the child’s relationship with mom and dad should be without conflicts. His communication with his dad is not a trifle, and he has the right to the love of both.

The child must realize that he is not abandoned by his father, that he will always come to the kindergarten on holidays, congratulate him on his name day, or just walk with him. Express yourself carefully about your ex-husband (wife). Don't use curse words or accusations. For a child, the father and mother are himself, so by insulting your ex-husband, you are insulting the child himself.

Boys raised without a father do not understand how to behave like a man. Because of this, they unconsciously assume a feminine type of reaction. Girls also need to communicate with their dad, this gives them knowledge about the opposite sex.

A child growing up without a father lacks male attention. Therefore, if possible, allow your own father to fill the gap in male communication.

New relationships and can stepfather take dad's place?

When a new family is formed, the child begins to experience divorce again. But this could provide a new opportunity. No matter how well the relationship between the father and the child develops, he is still missing at home.

Mothers often believe that in such a situation, their own father loses his authority; now there is already a “different father” in the house who takes care of them and is always nearby. You need to understand that no one can replace your own dad. Do not prevent the blood father from communicating with the baby; for the child this is a close person.

Mom and dad, of course, love their child because this is their child, their little blood. As usual, the stepfather does not manage to experience such love: he has different feelings, he has not known the child since birth.

You need to be prepared that the process of their adaptation to each other can be difficult and lengthy.

If you notice that the baby does not want to get closer, think about it: maybe not enough time has passed since breaking up with his dad. “Meet, this is my friend, Sergei. We will live together, you need to call him “dad”. It’s not surprising if the baby goes on the defensive.

Do not allow your stepfather to interfere in the educational process before a certain time. Establishing prohibitions, carrying out punishments, even a rude remark - all this can contribute to the fact that the child will resist and be offended. This way you will achieve submission, but not respect, much less love. He must get used to and become attached to another person, this may take a long time.

If the new lover managed to earn the love of his mother, then it is also important for him to earn the love of the baby.

The mother’s knowledge about the baby’s interests, habits, and favorite activities is the key to getting to know the child better, which she must provide to the stepfather.

In such a situation, do not try to erase his past from the child’s memory: he has a dad, and he also needs him.

It is also important for the father to understand that the mother has a new husband and the child has a new “dad.”

Watch the following video, in which psychologist Elena Gromova talks about many important points in a conversation with a baby.

Have you and your spouse come to the conclusion that divorce is inevitable, but there are children in the family besides you? How to tell your child about divorce? How to support him? What should be expected? Have you heard of the concept of post-divorce child crisis? Read about all this in this article.

First of all, you need to know that you should not talk about divorce with a child under 3 years old. At any other age it is necessary. It is important to carefully think through the speech and be aware that this conversation will remain forever in the child’s memory. Whispers and negotiations behind your back are worse than an honest conversation. Children feel everything, but under such conditions, anxiety and fear will grow much faster. So, how to tell your child about divorce.

Before talking, spend time with your child, set him up for interaction and a positive mood (play, take a walk).
The conversation should take place in a calm atmosphere, in calm tones.
Choose a convenient time and place. Do not speak casually, in a hurry, in public.
It is not recommended to conduct a conversation when the child is ill, tired or in another unfavorable condition.
It is good if both parents have the conversation (provided that they can maintain respect and correctness towards each other and towards the child). If the parents are hostile, it is better for one parent to have the conversation.
It is enough for a small child to simply say that dad will no longer live with you, but will sometimes come to visit, and you will go to grandma.
Tell an older child honestly about the situation in the family, but at the same time focusing on a favorable future (even if you yourself are not sure at this moment). “Dad went north” is not the best wording. Sooner or later you will be caught in a lie, which will undermine your credibility.
In a good-natured voice, describe to your child the future prospects of what your life will look like. This is necessary to reduce his fear of uncertainty. Answer all questions. Describe how and with whom the child will communicate. Remember that you are not just talking about divorce, but rebuilding the child’s just destroyed world (creating a frame).
Respond appropriately to your child's reaction. Calmly accept the anger and tears. Pet him or let him be alone.
Make it clear that you are divorcing each other, but not the child. If contact with the parent is not possible (the parent does not want), then say something like “dad can’t meet with you now, but he loves you very much.”
Talk about the new social status of the child and family. Explain that there is no need to be ashamed of this.
Allow your child to experience and live through the sadness. There is no need to appear strong.
If the child has the right to choose who to stay with, but he needs help, then invite a psychologist (you need an objective person).
A separate vote is given to the parent who leaves. It is important to convince the child that he is not to blame. They are not leaving him or their mom (dad), it’s just the circumstances. But you love him very much and will always be in touch. The last thing you want is to leave, but there is no other option.
Both parents should stick to the same thread of conversation and language.
Remember that at the time of conversation you are not explaining your reason for the disagreement, but are speaking for all of humanity (your child also has yet to start a family).
It’s good if the conversation takes place on the weekend. Or, the next day, release your child from school (kindergarten) so that your child can come to his senses a little.

You should understand that even the most competent conversation will not save you from further problems. You need to be prepared for the child’s possible quarrels with peers or you, stubbornness, refusal of usual activities and other normative reactions.

At such moments, a “rollback” in development often occurs. That is, for example, a child who has recently learned to use the potty may forget how to do so. Older children show signs of young child behavior. The child’s increased vigilance is also noted: are all the toys in place, is the mother nearby?

Positive and negative factors for a child to overcome divorce

Children experience divorce as much as spouses, if not more. It is difficult to predict a child’s specific reaction to the news of a divorce in advance. It depends on:

child's age;
personal characteristics;
subjective perception of family relationships (were the parents happy or not) before the divorce;
Parents' ability to control their emotions and create a psychologically supportive and safe environment for the child.

the parent with whom the child remains is emotionally stable;
the possibility of full communication with the departed parent is preserved;
the positive, at least adequate, nature of the relationship between the former spouses prevails.

How does divorce affect a child?

Against the backdrop of parents' divorce:

37.7% of children have decreased academic performance;
19.6% have problems with discipline;
17.4% of children suffer from lack of attention;
8.7% run away from home;
6.5% have conflicts with friends.

The reaction to divorce also depends on the gender of the departed parent, the gender of the child, and the behavior of the parents individually and in interaction. The most popular children's reactions to their parents' divorce:

shock, rejection (occurs against the background of the child’s ignorance of family problems and confidence in the happiness of father and mother);
anger, hostility (usually directed at one of the parents, whom the child considers to be responsible for the breakdown of the relationship);
guilt, self-condemnation (father or mother leaves not the spouse, but the child, because he is tired, upset and has generally become a bone of discord).

It is noted that children tolerate divorce worse if they remain living with a parent of the opposite sex. Typically, this is due to one of three possible reasons:

projection of the parent’s negativity onto the child (for example, the mother is angry with the father, but he left, and the son stayed - the son gets it);
accepting the blame (the father has left, but the son, identifying himself with him, feels guilty);
solidarity (the son shares the father’s negativity towards his mother, but is forced to live with her).

However, during adolescence, the gender of the parent is not so important. It is noted that more often than not, both girls and boys experience more behavioral problems when staying with their father. Perhaps this is explained by the criticality of age itself, which is superimposed by the crisis situation of divorce and the busyness of the father (lack of control).

But interpersonal relationships, as a rule, develop worse with the parent who does not live with the family. In 90% of cases, children remain with their mother, which means their relationship with their father suffers.

The statistics, unfortunately, are not reassuring. There is a tendency for fathers to gradually distance themselves, even if at the beginning they tried to maintain a relationship with the child. First, dad acts as a visiting father, then a Sunday father, and then a “holiday” father. It is noted that after 10 years of divorce, 80% of fathers may not contact each other for years.

Reactions to divorce by age

As I already mentioned, the child’s age is one of the main components of the reaction. As a rule, these age-related reactions persist, but depending on the personal characteristics of the child and the behavior of the parents, they can take different forms.

Up to three years

Children under 3 years of age tolerate divorce better than others, provided that the mother controls herself emotionally and behaviorally. The child cannot rationally perceive the mother’s reactions, but he feels them, which can result in somatic disorders (sleep problems, fears, whims). Cognitive processes are reduced, and developmental delays are sometimes observed.

From three to six years

Preschoolers are characterized by a feeling of guilt and self-deprecation. The egocentrism characteristic of this age is unsatisfied (attention is occupied by the process of divorce). In addition, children of this age do not yet know how to establish cause-and-effect relationships. And if a child has ever observed arguments between parents about upbringing (or even finances for a child), then he chalks it up to his own account. Unfortunately, divorce at such a time is always the most traumatic event. Children suffer from depression, low self-esteem, and lack of imagination.

Seven to eight years

The main reaction is aggression, moreover, towards both parents. Caused by the child’s tension (school, taking on a new social role, striving to be significant).

Ten to eleven years

Resentment and a feeling of uselessness, abandonment are reactions of this age. At this time, adolescence begins. Public opinion becomes extremely important to children. There is resentment and anger towards the parents, shame for the dysfunction of the family. Children try to hide their parents' divorce from friends and teachers.

Thirteen to eighteen years old

The crisis situation of divorce is superimposed on a teenage identity crisis. The loss is felt. But the advantage of age is the child’s ability to establish cause-and-effect relationships and clearly imagine his relationship with each parent.

Thus, the older the child, the better strategies for coping with difficult situations he has. At the same time, it has been noted that boys of early adolescence and pre-adolescence experience divorce more difficult and longer than girls of the same age.

Adolescence is the most dangerous in another way: the risk of the collapse of the image of romantic love. In itself, this is a period of self-determination, assimilation of gender and social roles, and the search for love.

Older teenagers compensate for divorce by deepening relationships with peers or finding older mentors.
Younger teenagers experience more emotional problems (collapse of love), which often results in sexual problems (promiscuity, early sexual intercourse), distrust of people (especially the opposite sex) and the world.

Reaction by gender

Girls more often experience divorce “in themselves,” but there is decreased performance, rapid and frequent fatigue, tearfulness, irritability, depression, and refusal to communicate. Sadness and resentment predominate. As a way of manipulation - complaints about ill health (against the background of healthy games with peers).
Boys more often take their experiences out into the open in the form of provocative and antisocial behavior (theft, swearing, running away from home). Anger and aggression predominate.

The older the child, the more noticeable are the age-related characteristics of the reaction to divorce.

Why did the child become uncontrollable?

If your child after a divorce began to behave provocatively, asocially, aggressively, then there is only one answer - he lacks attention, love, care, emotional support and communication. The child is driven by feelings of rejection, anxiety, worthlessness, uselessness, and fear. He's going through a divorce.

The worst idea in this case is to put pressure on the child, punish, beat, scold. This will create a vicious circle. For, as a rule, the antisocial behavior of a child is based on the inappropriate behavior and condition of the parent:

anxiety;
fear;
blaming a child;
aggression;
stress from overwhelming educational responsibilities;
feeling of personal failure;
excessive demands on the child and his independence (due to the parent’s lack of time);
inconsistency and authoritarianism of education.

In an incomplete family, it is important to avoid upbringing according to the “family idol” type (raise a despot, a lazy person, an infant), hypo-custody and hyper-custody. Each of these styles causes deviations in the behavior and development of the child.

Problems of children and mistakes of parents

The situation of divorce is aggravated for the child when parents, carried away by sorting out the relationship, forget about him and drag him into their “counterparts” (manipulation, bribery, etc.). I suggest you get acquainted with the most popular and unforgivable, child-destroying mistakes of parents and possible problems during divorce (see tables below).

Parent actions (error)	Example
Transferring your negative emotions towards your partner to your child.	“Pulling” a child, telling something unpleasant about mom/dad.
Manipulation.	The child is used as an intermediary, transmitter, scout (“Go, see what kind of new woman there is, then you can tell me,” “go visit, see how he lives there without me”).
Blaming the child.	Indication as reasons for divorce are marriage due to pregnancy, illness of a child, disagreement in matters of upbringing.
A deception revealed.	The child learns that the parents lived together only because of him, maintaining the illusion of marriage.
Insulting another parent in a conversation with a child.	The child identifies with both parents. By insulting your ex-spouse, you are insulting your child.
Transferring your experiences to the child.	“Dad abandoned us,” “Dad left us, he doesn’t need us.” It’s a relief for the mother, and the destruction of the remains for the child.
Comparison of a child with a departed spouse.	“You look just like your father!” makes the child feel guilty.

Table 1: Parents' mistakes during divorce

Problems	Example
Psychological changes in parents.	The mother pays more attention to her daughter. For her son reminds her of her husband.
Forced changes in living conditions.	An apartment exchange, due to which the son is now deprived of his room and must live with his mother; change of place of study; deterioration of material condition.
Forced performance by one parent of the functions of both.	The mother is forced to be both mother and father, and as a result, her behavior and demands on the child often appear contradictory.
Lack of communication with any of the relatives.	A ban on communication with the father (mother) or the reluctance of the parent himself. Sometimes the situation extends to the entire family of the spouse (that is, grandparents).
Hysterical fearfulness of a child.	Fear of losing the remaining parent (death, illness, care).
Problems in relationships with peers.	They can tease and ask indiscreet questions.

Table 2: Issues related to children in divorce

Patterns of parental relationships

There are 5 models of relationships between parents after divorce:

Great comrades. Former spouses are interested in each other's lives and communicate at least once a week. As a rule, they were friends before marriage and were able to remember only positive moments after it. Of course, communication with the child is unhindered. This is the best option for a child.
Collaborating colleagues. An average level of communication and interaction is typical. They can clearly separate marriage from parenthood.
Angry allies. Interaction at an average level, low communication skills. They are tense, formal in communication, and can resolve issues regarding raising children in a business-like manner. They do not know how to resolve conflicts constructively.
Ardent enemies. It is difficult to break dependence on each other (I love and hate). They communicate little, through the courts.
Broken duet. Absolutely no contact people. The child does not communicate with the departed parent.

The most favorable for the child are the first two types of parental relationships.

Thus, it is possible to identify several supporting positions for parents to independently help their child overcome their divorce.

Report divorce together and in an age-appropriate manner.
Try not to lie.
Facilitate and encourage communication between the child and the departed parent.
Don't forget to devote time and attention to your child, and be interested in his personal life.
It is important for the parent with whom the children are left not to interfere with their growing up, not to be afraid of “losing” and not to strive to raise them to be dependent.
Try to minimize changes due to divorce. If possible, delay moving or changing educational institutions. Preserve your child’s hobbies and pets.
Do not try to involve your child in the divorce process, shift the responsibilities of the departed spouse onto him, or tell him your intimate experiences. Do not break the natural ties in the family. Before you say anything to your child, think: would you say this if there was no divorce, if your spouse were nearby? If not, then don’t talk now. Don't engage in "psychological incest"! Don’t say phrases like “we don’t need anyone, we have each other.”
Don't pit the child against the other parent. In this case, he loses both parents at once. And not because everyone believes in the worthlessness of the other (although sometimes he does), but because respect for you disappears.
Stubbornness is the most popular defensive reaction among children going through divorce. Apart from the fact of divorce, what is your child protected from? Always control your condition and behavior. Children feel and understand everything, but cannot always explain. And, of course, their behavior is always the result of your attitude and behavior.
Don't feel guilty towards your child and don't blame him. Maintain emotional contact, create a physically and emotionally safe atmosphere.
Hug, praise your child more often, tell him that you love him.
Try to maintain your child’s usual daily routine and routine.
Watch your health. What’s good for the child is good for you (do not think that this includes the illusory “goodness” of alcohol or a riotous lifestyle).
Be patient. Don't take it out on your child.
Allow him to fantasize about a family reunion, but don't feed those illusions.
Create a clear communication schedule with the visiting parent and always follow it. The child needs at least some kind of consistency and a clear guideline in this difficult situation. Regularity matters more than frequency.

“After a divorce, children should live with the parent who respects the former partner more in the children” - Bert Hellinger, German psychotherapist.

Accept new conditions.
Give your child more positive emotions than before.
Plan your day with your child in advance. Make the most of every day.
Come at the same time, regularly.
Don't miss the most important and meaningful days for your child, change your plans. You rarely see each other anyway. You should be there for significant events.
Do not be overly pliable, do not fall for the child’s manipulations. Don't go from authoritative parent to "genie."
Remember that communication is always more important than gifts. Don't pay off.
Be interested in your child's needs and hobbies.
Be supportive and supportive. The child should know that in a difficult situation he can always come to you.
If your child sees your relationship with your new family, try to be as correct as possible.
Don't demand love from your new family, but demand respect for your choice. If the child is still small, then it is better to simply avoid such meetings.

Interesting fact: half of fathers want to see their child at least once a week, but only 20% of mothers think this is possible. The majority are generally against meetings.

Some statistics on the topic: only 10% of fathers are ready to fully perform educational functions, 80% are bought off with gifts (alimony), 10% hide from their children.

New mom, new dad, or what then?

Separately, I would like to consider the issue of concluding new marriages or starting a new cohabitation. Sometimes this happens along with divorce. The reaction of children to their stepfather/stepmother depends on:

age and gender of the child;
family history;
relationship with the parent entering into marriage;
type of family upbringing.

Younger and older teenagers experience a new marriage worse, while early and preschool children experience it better. Younger teenagers perceive a new person as a competitor, preschoolers - as another competent adult, children of older adolescence - as the choice of their parent (tolerant). Girls cope worse than boys with a parent's new marriage.

It is necessary that the stepmother/stepfather does not try to take the role of the child’s natural parent. You need to try to take a separate place in the child’s life (senior comrade, friend, support).

Factors in which a child does not accept a new marriage:

aggravated divorce, parental mistakes, children's problems;
problems in the relationship between a child and a parent, a parent and a parent, a parent and his or her spouse’s new partner;
the reluctance of the new spouse to accept the whole family, and not just his partner;
adaptation of spouses to each other and new roles, changed family structure;
the birth of a common child (it is important not to express differences in the upbringing of a common child and children from the first marriage);
unfinished psychological.

The basis for a child’s acceptance of a new family member is a positive relationship between the child and the parent (it is important to successfully overcome the divorce), trust and mutual understanding, common interests, and joint activities. The task of the new family member is to find a common language with the child, but not to pretend to be a parent (not to expect the same attitude).

Epilogue

Divorce is a traumatic situation for a child. You cannot avoid shock, but you can help overcome it and minimize risks. The task of parents is to create emotionally, psychologically and physically comfortable conditions for the child. Surround with attention and love, but do not cultivate the image of a child.

In especially severe cases, consult a psychologist. Depending on the age, art therapy, fairytale therapy, games, symbols, and drama are used to help children overcome divorce.

A common and erroneous opinion of parents is that the child does not understand anything, and until school age one may not say anything at all about the impending divorce (or even the one that has taken place). Children begin to feel the tension long before the parents themselves realize the need for a divorce.

Please do not forget about the child during divorce. He didn’t make this decision, so at least give him the right to know the specifics of the current situation. And if possible, do not deprive him of his second parent. Protecting a child in a crisis situation, such as divorce, is an immediate parental responsibility. Remember that you are not just spouses, you are parents!

This is very painful. It's scary and offensive. Divorce has never brought satisfaction to anyone. Even if spouses separate by mutual desire (which does not happen very often), even if they did everything in a “civilized” manner, both experience disappointment, pain, and loss. In Russia today, according to Rosstat statistics, about 50% of families break up. Moreover, the majority of divorces occur in those families where the husband and wife have been married for 5 to 9 years. This is a long time. And, as a rule, there are already children in such social units.

Situations, of course, are different, and sometimes divorce really becomes the only reasonable option, but only adults always make the decision to separate. And children always, in all cases without exception, become hostages of parental divorce.

Every child, regardless of age and temperament, upbringing, religion, citizenship and place on the social ladder, loves his mom and dad equally strongly. For him, losing contact with any of them is not even a trauma, but a real disaster.

To get at least an approximate idea of how your child feels, take your experiences as a basis and multiply them by two. And that's not all.

Impact on the child's psyche

Strangely enough, parental divorce has the greatest impact on unborn children. If it so happens that the family breaks up during a woman’s pregnancy, the baby in her womb experiences a spectrum of her mother’s negative emotions and is attacked by incredible doses of stress hormones. A baby may be born with serious disturbances in the functioning of the nervous system and psyche. In 90% of cases, such children are very anxious, capricious, and often get sick.

Both infants and older children feel discord in the family. What are they experiencing?

Outwardly, your offspring may not show anything, especially if the conflict on the home front has been developing for a long time, and everyone is already pretty tired of screaming, showdowns and slamming doors. In this case, the child will most likely view divorce as the logical conclusion of a difficult period. But fires will blaze inside him and volcanoes will erupt, because internal stress (by the way, the most dangerous to human life and health) will not go away on its own. It accumulates and grows.

Often a complex of his own guilt for what happened comes to his “aid.” This happens in children aged 2 to 7 years. The fact is that a child, due to his age, cannot understand all the real reasons for his parents’ divorce. And therefore he “appoints” the culprit – himself. “Dad left because I was bad.” “Mom left because she didn’t listen to her.” This terrible condition tears the child’s soul into two parts. One stays with her mother. The other is with her father. Plus self-dislike. The result is fears (even the development of phobias), hysterics, aggression, or the other extreme - isolation and tearfulness.

If such children are not helped in time, the consequences will be disastrous - mental disorders, the inability to build their own families in the future.

Children aged 9-12 years old go to the other extreme - they begin to feel strong anger at the departed parent (usually dad), resentment, and they begin to feel a sense of their own uselessness. Especially if the remaining parent rushes to arrange his personal life - to look for a new “dad” or “mom”. The child is left alone with his troubles.

Teenagers usually greet the news of divorce with pronounced protest, especially if the family was prosperous or seemed so. Boys are more “boisterous”; they categorically blame their mothers for the fact that dad left, or, conversely, they trample on their father’s authority and take their mother’s side. Thus, they suppress the masculinity in themselves and launch a program of “self-destruction”. Teenage girls experience their parents' divorce more restrainedly, but no less strongly.

Many teenagers admit that they began to feel burning shame for having an incomplete family in front of their peers. And almost all children from families where there has recently been a divorce have decreased intellectual abilities. Children begin to study worse, become distracted and disorganized.

The stress of parental divorce at any age can be so intense that the child becomes physically ill. Some older guys start peeing at night. In teenage girls, the menstrual cycle is disrupted. It is not so rare for children to develop allergies and skin diseases. Chronic illnesses are getting worse.

The most difficult period is the first time after a divorce. For about 6 - 8 weeks you will feel unbearably sad, lonely, hurt and scared. And then the stage of adaptation to the new life will last for another six months. It is important that it is during this period that we, adults, make an effort on ourselves, curb our negative emotions and properly organize the child’s life. Because it’s doubly hard for him. Remember this.

You can find out how a child feels when their parents divorce by watching the following video.

How to tell your child about divorce

If the decision has already been made, and it is final and irrevocable, clearly plan the conversation with your children. If the fact of separation is not yet obvious, do not rush to “get on your child’s nerves.” You need to talk only when there are no false hopes for family reunification.

Who should tell about the upcoming divorce? It's up to you to decide. More often than not, the mission of the messenger with bad news goes to the mother. But it could be dad or both spouses together. If you don't find the strength to keep your emotions under control, entrust an important conversation to the child's grandparents, aunt or uncle. The main thing is that the baby trusts the person who has undertaken to explain to him the immediate prospects of the family. And be sure to try to be present at this conversation.

You need to carefully prepare for an important conversation. Organize everything in your adult head so that you are prepared for any questions your child may have.

You need to choose the right time to talk. It is best if it is a day off, when the offspring does not have to go to school, kindergarten or classes. At the same time, he should not have any important business or responsible event planned. It is unknown how the baby will perceive the unpleasant news. He may become hysterical and may need privacy. Let the conversation take place at home, in a familiar environment.

Who should I tell?

All children deserve the truth. But not all of them, due to their age, will be able to accept your truth, much less understand it. Therefore, it is better not to discuss the upcoming divorce with a child who is not yet 3 years old. Wait until the little one starts asking questions himself. And he will soon wonder where dad is, why he only comes on weekends, where he lives. Prepare your answers. There's still time.

Children aged 3 and older must be informed in an upcoming divorce. The main principle is this: the younger the child, the less details he should be told.

How to build a conversation?

Honestly. Directly. Open.

Express yourself in simple words that a child of his age can understand. The use of unfamiliar clever expressions and terms, the meaning of which the child will not understand, will cause anxiety and even panic.
The older the child, the more frank your conversation should be. Use the pronoun "we". “We decided”, “We consulted and want to tell you.” Talk about divorce as an unpleasant but temporary phenomenon. Ask your teen for help to get through a difficult time. “I can’t cope without you,” “I really need your support.” Children love it and are happy to take on additional responsibility.
You need to speak honestly. Focus on your feelings, but don’t go too far. “Yes, it’s very painful and unpleasant for me, but I’m grateful to dad that we have such a wonderful and beloved you.” Emphasize that divorce is, by and large, a normal process. Life is not over, everything continues. The main thought when talking with a child should be that dad and mom will continue to love, care for, and educate their son or daughter. They won't just live together anymore.
You should not lie to your child or explain the absence of your father or mother as “urgent matters in another city.” Children have well-developed intuition, and even if they do not know the true causes of the disaster occurring in the house, they will perfectly sense your lies. And this misunderstanding will terrify them. Plus, they may stop trusting you.

When telling your child about the upcoming divorce, you need to avoid a negative assessment of your recently beloved significant other. Your baby doesn’t need your dirty details - who cheated on whom, who stopped loving whom, etc. For him, both parents must remain good and loved. When he grows up, he will figure everything out on his own. But if the separation occurs due to the pathological addiction of one of the family members - alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, there is no point in hiding it. However, you need to talk about this topic correctly and carefully.

What not to do?

Divorcing parents tend to make the same mistakes. The main one is an obsession with one’s own experiences, the inability to put oneself in the child’s place. Demanding complete adequacy from people who are under extreme stress is stupid, so just remember what you should not do during a divorce in the presence of a child:

To sort things out, use offensive and humiliating expressions, exaggerate the details of the upcoming divorce or division of property. You will have to find out who owes whom and how much in the courtroom or when the child is not at home. An overheard conversation of such content can give a growing person reason to think about the topic: “How can they talk about an apartment and a car now, when our family is collapsing?” This will form incorrect attitudes for the future - the material will be more important than the spiritual.
Cry, throw tantrums. Your negative release hits the child painfully in the most vulnerable place. Do you want to cry? Go to a friend, to your mother, to a psychotherapist. There you can cry and complain about the “ungrateful brute” without any problems.
Drastically change the order of life and family structure. Let everything flow at its usual pace for the child after a divorce. It couldn’t be more difficult for him even without traveling.
Manipulate a child in a relationship with his former significant other, limit communication with his father.
Emphasize to the child his similarity with his ex-spouse if he did something bad. You cannot shout at your son who broke an expensive vase that he is “just like his father.” The child will associate the image of the father exclusively with bad deeds. Yes, and such behavior does not suit you.

There is no need to be embarrassed to seek help from a specialist. Divorce is too much stress and a severe test for the psyche of adults. For a child, it is comparable to a nuclear disaster. Often, neither you nor your child can cope with this without the help of an experienced psychologist.
Children in a family that is falling apart or has already fallen apart have a doubly need for attention. Give them time, make sure that the stress does not get out of control and does not turn into severe depression or mental illness in the child.
Try to spend the weekend as before, with the whole family. Of course, if the relationship with your spouse remains friendly. This will require a woman to have enormous endurance and self-control, but it will be worth it. In such an environment, it will be easier for the child to get used to the new life.
Don't take your anger out on your child. Do not listen to advisers who insist that a boy left without a father’s upbringing needs to be raised tougher and more severely. Such mothers grab the belt with or without reason, tighten the system of punishments and gradually become real dictators.

To learn how to raise a child without a father, watch the video of clinical psychologist Veronica Stepanova.

You can watch how to help yourself and your child survive a divorce in the following video.

After divorce

Divorce is, of course, a serious trauma for a child, but sometimes it is better than continuing to live in a family where there has long been no mutual understanding, respect, where parents compete to see who shouts louder or slams the door. The consequences of divorce for a child in the future are often less serious than the consequences of living in an inadequately aggressive environment.

It is good if the child can continue to communicate with the father and his relatives after the divorce. If this is not possible, you can ask your friends - men, other relatives - representatives of the stronger sex, for help, because a child (especially a boy) needs to communicate with his own kind in gender terms.

Why it is worth finding a father-mentor for your son, watch in the following video, where psychologist Irina Mlodik explains many nuances.

In Russia, children usually stay with their mother. But there are exceptions. Minors can go to live with their father by court decision if the mother leads an antisocial lifestyle, suffers from alcoholism, or uses drugs.

How children and parents will communicate after a divorce depends on how the ex-spouses are able to come to an agreement. It would be a good idea to establish a procedure for communicating with a child after a divorce: who takes him to the pool and when, who picks him up, when dad can take his child to the cinema, and when mom goes on an excursion with him.

To prevent the child from feeling chaos, mom and dad need to strictly adhere to the communication schedule. Both parents must be able to keep their word - they promised to come for the child on Saturday, please keep it. Parents must also determine the time of communication on their own.

It is desirable if the former spouses can find at least one day a month for joint leisure. A child not only needs visits from dad or mom, he needs to be with both of them at least occasionally.

Don’t turn a child into a spy, don’t ask your son who has returned from a pizzeria after a meeting with his father, how is dad, where does he live, does he have anyone, what does he look like? Happy?

Avoid discussing topics about the divorce at meetings with your child. What has happened has passed.

If the ex-husband and wife are unable to build a constructive dialogue and independently agree on the procedure for communicating with the child after a divorce, this can cause additional stress for the child. Will a toddler whose mother tries to limit communication with his father be happy? Both parents legally have the same rights to their son or daughter. If one party tries to infringe on this legal right of the other, going to court with an appropriate statement of claim will help. Then the servants of Themis will set a schedule and time for communication with the child.

I am a supporter of dialogue rather than litigation, and therefore I am confident that two adults can always reach an agreement, provided that they have such a desire. In the end, the child is not to blame for anything. Divorce is only your decision. Don't let him ruin your baby's life. After all, this is a separate person, unique, loving and waiting for reciprocal love. From both of you.

In the next video, psychologist Olga Kuleshova will talk about some of the nuances of divorce and how they can affect the child’s psyche and his future life.

To find out who the children stay with after a divorce, watch the following video.

To learn how best to tell your child about their parents’ divorce, watch the following video.

More than half of marriages end in divorce. Most often, spouses who have lived together for 5 years or more separate. And it is precisely during this period of marriage that there are very often small children in the family. Many divorces happen after 20 years of married life: husband and wife try with all their might to tolerate each other until the children grow up. But are they doing the right thing?

Anastasia Kuznetsova, an expert at the Association of Organizations for the Development of Humanistic Psychology in Education, and educational psychologist, argues:

Divorce is one of the three most stressful events in our lives. Children become hostages of all the troubles that accompany the separation of parents. How to help your child survive this situation? Tell the truth, dodge, avoid answering? Or, contrary to your own beliefs, continue to live with your unloved spouse for the sake of the peace of mind of your own child? There are probably no clear recipes that can protect a child from psychological discomfort. Except for some “beacons”.

At what age is it easiest for a child to cope with their parents' divorce?

There is no logical answer here. At every age, starting from the prenatal period, a child needs both a mother and a father. Does this mean that every effort should be made to preserve the family? Yes, but with one amendment. If all actions have been taken, arguments have been used, steps have been taken, but divorce is still inevitable, then the first thing parents should do is stop tormented by feelings of guilt. Simply because it is not constructive and will not help the child cope with the loss. Adults will needlessly torture both themselves and the child.

Should you pay more attention to your child?

Feeling guilty in front of their child, parents begin to please their child in every possible way: allow more, demand less, pamper in a race. The child begins to take advantage of this, as a result of which he develops not the best character traits. The other extreme is complete dedication to the “orphan”. For this voluntary sacrifice, parents will expect retribution in the future (the same refusal of their grown-up child from his personal life). This deforms the child’s psyche much more than the fact of the parents’ separation itself. Therefore, divorce should not be viewed as the end of the world, but as the starting point of a new life. Building it will require strength and emotions, so you shouldn’t waste them in vain.

Should I tell my child the truth?

Children are extremely conservative. It is important for them that today is similar to yesterday, and tomorrow is similar to today. Life in the family is the child’s world, his coordinate system. The usual way of life is understandable to the child, which means it is safe. Divorce is a drastic change in the usual way of life, a breakdown of the system. Not understanding what is happening around him and what will happen tomorrow, the child loses a sense of security and experiences anxiety, which negatively affects behavior and development. A child's long stay in ignorance can lead him to neurosis.

What to do if the parents have finally decided that they will no longer be together under any circumstances?

- Tell only the truth, without hiding what is happening from the child. Preferably before change hits him.

- Talk to him in an understandable language: it’s difficult for us to live together, so we quarrel and offend each other; if we separate, it will be easier for us to communicate.

— The child should receive an unambiguous, specific and as monosyllabic answer to all his questions. The baby is trying to come to terms with a new life situation. The parents' task is to define its visible boundaries.

- Don’t be afraid of the child’s reactions, be sure to say them out loud, giving the baby the opportunity to realize and experience his condition: you are upset, you miss dad, you want everything to be the same as before, etc.

- Do not change educational principles and requirements for the child. You need to brush your teeth, do homework, and go to bed on time, regardless of whether your parents live together or are separated.

Which parent will be better for the child?

Most often, after a divorce, a child up to 10-12 years old remains with his mother. This is explained by the dominant role of the mother in the development of personality at this age. Some experts believe that a child is better off with a parent who is less aggressive towards his former other half. Then he retains the possibility of normal communication with both parents, not burdened by prohibitions and feelings of guilt.

In any case, you cannot force a child to choose who he loves more - mom or dad. This choice is incompatible with his worldview. Adults need to try to agree on a mode of communication with the people dear to him that is understandable to the child. A child will experience the separation of his parents more calmly if he is not afraid that he will be deprived of his mother, father or grandmother.

How to explain to a child the absence of mom or dad?

If one of the spouses stops communicating with the child after a divorce, the “sea captain” version is more preferable than “your unlucky dad (mom) doesn’t need you anymore.” A child only hears that he is not needed, which means he is bad.

It may be unpleasant for you to discuss the merits of your ex-other half, but at first you will have to do it. The child should not feel guilty that he loves the “wrong” person and betrays you. “Yes, dad and I can’t live together, but he is wonderful, strong, smart, etc., that’s why we had you...”

How to start a new family?

There is one rule here that may surprise many ordinary people. Under no circumstances should you ask your child for permission for your new spouse to live with you. It is unacceptable to shift responsibility for the fateful decision you have made onto your child. A new marriage is your choice.

In order to build a relationship between a child and a new spouse, you need to make it clear to your child that his place in your life remains the same: you also read books to him before bed, go to the movies together on weekends, etc. Just don’t shift responsibility for raising a child (punishment, control, school work, etc.) for a stranger (perhaps at first) to him. And most importantly, do not impose a “new” dad or mom and do not pit your new spouse against your ex out loud in front of the child.