Topics of conversation with parents about alcohol. What to do if parents become alcoholics. Childhood years are long important years in the life of a child ...

Childhood has a significant impact on a person's life. It is good if it passed carefree under the care of loving parents. However, people who gave birth are not chosen, because thousands of children have to grow up early, because dad, mom or both parents immediately became addicted to alcohol. What should a child do if the dearest people become drunkards, and how the illness of parents affects children - we will tell in this article.

Finding the root of the problem

If parents are often drunk, the child needs to find out the reason for their behavior. Basically, the following situations become the reason for close friendship with alcohol:

problems at work;
disagreements in the family;
drinking company.

The greatest danger is the situation when a grandfather or grandmother suffered from alcohol addiction. This means that parents have a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, which means that their child is also at risk.

In order not to repeat the fate of the parents, the child must beware of alcoholic beverages all his life and in no case begin to get acquainted with them at a young age.

Methods of influencing drinking parents

If one of the parents is drinking, the first thing the child needs to do is talk to the other parent. In the case when alcohol destroys the father, in a frank conversation with the mother, one should:

make it clear that the son or daughter understands her;
talk about their own experiences associated with father's drunkenness;
open fears at the expense of their own health and the health of their mother;
ask for protection.

Often such a conversation encourages women to act, because the well-being of the child for most mothers is the best motivation.

An alcoholic mother is a grief in the family, but men in many cases try not to notice that the wife often comes home with an abnormal gleam in her eyes. Although a woman at first tries to hide her problem, children can easily smell the unnatural smell and unusual behavior of their mother. Do not wait for more serious evidence that the mother is turning into an alcoholic. If the mother is often drunk, one should not postpone a conversation with the father, in which:

draw dad's attention to the fact that mom often drinks alcohol;
express concern about her health;
indicate negative changes in the behavior of the mother.

There is no need to think that by talking on this topic, the child betrays the drinking parent. This is just an attempt to save a loved one and protect yourself.

Alcoholic parents are always a serious trauma for a child. But he can still try to influence them. Psychologists give teenagers whose parents drink the following advice:

Start a conversation with your parents when they are in a sober adequate state.
Do not shout, do not reproach and do not accuse, do not say that they have become drunks.
Focus on the health problems that parents had at a very young age. Hint that it is related to alcohol.
Do not hope for a miracle: if parents have been drinking for more than a year, they are unlikely to immediately turn to a narcologist for help.
Do not follow the lead of your father and mother, refuse to buy alcohol for them, and even more so drink with them.
If mom and dad do not want to make their illness public, explain that drugs for alcoholism can be bought anonymously on the Internet.

Not all adults will listen to the child, therefore it will not be superfluous to attract one of the relatives to their side: grandmother, grandfather, aunt.

The actions of the child during drinking bouts of parents

Under the intoxicating effect of alcohol, a person often becomes uncontrollable. What to do if an alcoholic father beats his wife and minor child? In no case do not endure and wait for better times. A teenager can tell a school psychologist, adequate relatives or report to the police about this state of affairs. Even if a sober dad behaves decently, in a drunken state he is able to cause serious harm to others, therefore patience with the hope of the best can lead to tragedy.

How to behave if both father and mother are involved in drinking? Gatherings of parents in the company of the same drinkers often end in quarrels and fights, because in such a situation it is better for children to disappear from home for a while. You can wait with relatives or friends, in extreme cases, go to an orphanage. Running away from home forever and spending the night at the train station is not the best solution for a minor. Homeless people of any age often have a whole bunch of diseases, including, so they can be even more dangerous than drunk parents.

Do not try to expel a drunken company from the apartment on your own, especially if it consists of men. It may .

Parents are alcoholics and do not want to hear anything about treatment and constantly get drunk, not paying attention to children? The child must understand that alcoholism is a kind of drug addiction, and getting rid of it is not easy. A teenager should not control adults by sacrificing himself and his interests. If you have no strength to endure the binges of your mother and father, you need to contact the guardianship authorities. After checking the testimony of the child, the court can deprive alcoholics of parental rights. In this case, a relative or a boarding school can become the guardian of the minor.

Consequences of parental alcoholism

People whose parents abused alcohol have to grow up early. Their parents' illness robs them of their childhood, forcing them to babysit drunken mom and dad or go out of their way to please them. Many children of alcoholics are taken care of, treated for the rest of their lives, to the detriment of themselves and their own families. . A co-dependent person takes on the unbearable burden of saving loved ones, hoping to the last that they will come to their senses and give him the love that he did not receive in childhood. As a result, drunkards with many years of experience are comfortable drinking further, knowing that their son or daughter will bring food and medicine. An adult child is torn between his parents and his own family, constantly feeling guilty.

Popular wisdom says that parents are not the people who gave life, but those who raised. Therefore, you should not consider yourself a debtor of people to whom vodka was more expensive than children.

The second psychological problem is called the syndrome of adult children of alcoholics. If the parents have not spent a day without a glass, the child often tries to leave his home as soon as possible. He dreams of forgetting his nightmare childhood, becoming a successful person, creating a normal family. But, “thanks” to dysfunctional parents, even if they are no longer alive, for many years the child does not feel complete, has low self-esteem, which prevents the achievement of goals. Women with ACA syndrome do not consider themselves worthy of love, and men often become despots and hurt loved ones.

In any case, psychological help is needed for relatives of alcoholics, especially children. It can be obtained from a psychotherapist or in classes in groups of people with the same problems.

How to build a life for children of alcohol addicts

Children are not to blame for the alcoholism of their parents. Even if you had to end up in a boarding school, this does not mean the end of the world. Although heredity plays a significant role, an alcoholic mom, dad, or alcoholic brother does not decide the fate of a person, he will not necessarily become the same either. The son or daughter of drunkards should set a goal for themselves: "My child will never see me drunk and will have a happy childhood." You need to start moving towards this goal by following simple rules.

Do not communicate with a company where alcohol, drugs, crime are present.
Try to study well in order to find a good job in the future.
Find a hobby for yourself, communicate with like-minded people. Collecting herbariums, collecting stamps, playing football, dancing or aeromodelling - now there are many sections for children and teenagers, where you can spend your free time interestingly for free or for a nominal fee.
Lead a healthy lifestyle. No alcohol, cigarettes or other drugs.
Read more. Books broaden horizons, increase vocabulary, which will certainly come in handy for any person in life.

Children of people with alcohol addiction need to find out and remember forever why the father became a drunkard or why the mother began to drink. But even if it is not possible to get to the bottom of the truth, the life motto of a child of alcoholics should sound like this: "I will be better than my parents, I am a completely different person."

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Drunkenness is an obstacle that hinders the comprehensive and harmonious development of a person. Under the influence of alcohol, the process of normal personality formation is disrupted, the ability to acquire the necessary knowledge, the basics of culture, social norms and behavior skills is significantly limited. a person's interests and needs gradually become extremely limited, primitive, the sense of responsibility becomes dull, negative habits appear. Such people everywhere - at work, in public places, in the family, enter into conflict situations, violate moral norms, the rules of human society.

Drunkenness causes irreparable harm, damage to production, society as a whole, cripples the fate of people, poses a danger to the health of not only the present, but also future generations.

Alcohol has a detrimental effect on performance

Even small doses of alcohol significantly affect mental and physical activity, human performance. After 40 g of alcohol, the number of grammatical errors increases by 6 times, attention, accuracy deteriorates by 10%, muscle strength by 12%.

Taking large doses of alcohol leads to a sharp drop in performance from several hours to 1-2 weeks.

According to economists, a moderate drinker has a 10% lower labor productivity than a non-drinker, and after excessive alcohol consumption, their productivity drops by 20-40%.

Often, under the influence of alcohol, momentary disorders of consciousness occur, which is especially dangerous for transport drivers, workers servicing complex machines and assemblies.

Alcohol consumption is associated with 80% of violations of labor discipline, every twentieth case of industrial injuries, every fifth accident and 70% of transport accidents.

Boredom and idleness insidiously and imperceptibly suggest the idea of drinking. To overcome this, it is necessary to properly organize your leisure time, bring new interests and aspirations into your life.

Alcohol is harmful to health

Alcohol is poisonous: 6-8 g of alcohol per 1 kg of adult weight is a lethal dose. For a child, a glass of vodka is fatal. Alcohol acts on all human organs, but mainly on the nervous system, liver, kidneys and heart. Alcohol greedily absorbs water from tissues. Therefore, it negatively affects the mucous membrane of the stomach and intestines, the renal and hepatic epithelium, causing them. irritation and inflammation.

The average mortality rate of people who systematically drink is almost 2 times higher than that of non-drinkers and reduces life expectancy by about 20 years (40.5% of patients suffering from alcoholism do not live to old age and die in middle age), 2-3 times higher level of general morbidity with temporary disability. Severe disease - liver cirrhosis - in every second case is caused by chronic alcoholism. The consequences of alcoholism are severe damage to the nervous system and psyche, the cardiovascular system and the gastrointestinal tract. High incidence of pulmonary tuberculosis

・Stomach disease

Liver disease

· Metabolic disease

Decreased resistance

Premature old age

Kidney disease

heart diseases

In persons who abuse alcohol and smoke at the same time, the risk factor for developing cancer of the oral cavity and esophagus is significantly increased, it is 10-15 times greater than in people who do not drink alcohol. Alcoholic beverages are harmful to the health of future generations. The drunkenness of parents is the cause of the birth of handicapped children.

Alcoholic psychoses

Please note! Alcohol is especially harmful to young people!

Alcohol has a particularly devastating effect on the teenage body. Under the influence of alcohol in minors, persistent changes in the blood occur faster than in adults, the risk of gastritis, peptic ulcer, cirrhosis of the liver increases (several months are enough for the onset of this disease). Alcohol significantly damages the walls of the blood vessels of the brain, which prevents its normal nutrition and functioning. A teenager's body gets used to alcohol 6-8 times faster than an adult's body.

The most dangerous is the desire of young people to show themselves to be able to drink.

It has been established that in young men who started drinking at the age of 15-17, alcoholism can develop in 2-3 years, and in adolescents of 13-15 years old, an irresistible craving for alcohol develops in less than a year.

Adolescents who drink alcohol become less capable of educational and production activities, their attention and will weaken. As a rule, they study poorly, are impudent with parents, teachers, conflict with peers, become quarrelsome in a team.

Know! Alcohol is an accomplice in crime!

A drunkard cripples and kills other people: sitting drunk behind the wheel of a car, he can kill an innocent person just because he met him on the way; he goes to theft, deceit, if only he had something to buy a bottle of vodka.

As a result of a survey of juvenile delinquents, it was found that every two out of three, and among 16-17 year olds 90%, consumed alcoholic beverages. According to statistics, from 70 to 90% of dangerous crimes, such as hooliganism, bodily harm, violence, robbery, robbery, murder, are committed by persons in a state of intoxication.

Elena Tretyakova
Conversation with parents "A healthy lifestyle is formed in the family"

Conversation with parents« A healthy lifestyle is formed in the family»

Target: creating conditions for those present to comprehend the severity of the stated problem for society, a specific families, a specific person and determining an active educational position in relation to the younger generation.

Tasks:

Obtaining a reliable factual information that awakens emotions, makes you think and analyze, reflect on your own vital practice and educational experience.

Developing your own educational position in relation to your child (children, in relation to the surrounding youth.

Health children and their development is one of the main problems families and schools. Health children in recent years has a steady downward trend. And it's not just about the physical, it's also about the mental. health. Unfavorable ecological state of the environment, extremely low socio-economic level life population of the country led to a decrease in the protective and adaptive capabilities of the body. Low level health children also affects the process of their adaptation to educational loads and further complicates the problem. These are chronic colds, visual impairment, scoliosis, and, as a result of the lack of cultural human relations, childhood neuroses.

Hardly to be found parents who don't want their children to grow up healthy. What is he healthy child? He cheerful and active, benevolently refers to the people around him - adults and children. If he gets sick, it is very rare and, in no case, not hard. Positive emotional impressions predominate in his life, while negative experiences are tolerated by him steadfastly and without harmful consequences. The development of his physical, primarily motor, qualities proceeds harmoniously. Healthy the child is fast enough, agile and strong. His daily routine life corresponds to individual biorhythmological and age features: this is the optimal ratio of wakefulness and sleep, periods of ups and downs in activity. Unfavorable weather conditions, their abrupt change a healthy child is not afraid, since it is hardened, its thermoregulation system is well trained. Therefore, as a rule, he does not need any medication. Thanks to a balanced diet and regular physical education, such a child does not have excess body weight.

Of course, here is a "portrait" of the ideal healthy child, which in life not often seen today. However, to raise and educate a child close to such an ideal is a completely feasible task. How to achieve this will be discussed further.

Reversible special attention to the most common violations the health of our children. Out of 100% of all students, 8% have a violation of posture, 10% have flat feet, and 10% have scoliosis.

To maintain correct posture, you need to follow five simple steps. rules:

1. To build up a "muscle corset" for a child. Good posture is unthinkable without evenly developed muscles.

2. Constantly monitor how the child is sitting, standing, correcting him if he stoops, squints. Let him stand up to the wall, touch it with his heels, calves, buttocks, shoulder blades and head. The spine is straightened, the shoulders are deployed, the shoulder blades are drawn together, the stomach is pulled in, the buttocks are tense. This is the correct pose! The body must remember it.

3. invert special attention to the posture when writing, reading, any work at the desk. The child should sit so that the legs, back, arms have support. The height of the table should be 2-3 cm above the elbow of the lowered arm of your child when he is sitting. The height of the chair should not exceed the height of the lower leg. If the legs do not reach the floor, it is necessary to substitute a bench so that the hip and knee joints are bent at a right angle.

4. Make sure that the child does not have flat feet. A flat foot violates the correct supporting function of the legs, the legs get tired quickly, the pelvic axis tilts and the posture is disturbed. Flat feet detected in time can be corrected.

5. Do not make a bed that is too soft. The mattress should be even, hard, the pillow should be small, low. A bed of such length that the legs can be freely extended. That considerable part of the day, which falls on sleep, the spine should feel comfortable, and a hard bed is comfortable for him.

If you follow simple rules, you can prevent violation vision:

It is very harmful to keep books and notebooks closer than 30 cm from the eyes. Staying in nature, where a broad outlook is provided, is a wonderful rest for the eyes;

Good lighting is essential for normal eye function. The table for classes should be placed closer to the window and so that the light falls on the left. On the desktop on the left, a table lamp with a 50-60 W light bulb is placed, protected by a lampshade so that the light does not fall into the eyes, but only illuminates a book or notebook. Too bright light irritates the retina of the eye and leads to rapid fatigue. It is harmful to read in a moving vehicle, especially in poor lighting conditions. The habit of reading lying down is detrimental to vision.

You need to take care of your eye hygiene. When dust gets into your eyes, it irritates them. Pathogenic microbes can be brought along with the dust. The infection can get into the eye from dirty hands, an unclean towel, a handkerchief. This can cause various eye diseases, for example, inflammation of the mucous membrane - conjunctivitis, which often leads to visual impairment. Eyes should be protected from injury, from foreign objects, dust, do not rub them with your hands, wipe only with a completely clean towel or handkerchief.

Protect against alcohol and drug abuse. Smoking, alcohol consumption, drugs, especially in childhood and adolescence, have a very harmful effect on vision, which can cause severe damage to the optic nerve in adolescents and lead to loss of vision.

For healthy lifestyle the child's daily routine is very important. The mode of the day is the mode of the day; all 24 hours must be planned by a certain way, and this plan, like any plan, makes sense only if it is maintained. Training sessions, taking in life children a significant place, require hard work. It is important to establish the correct change of mental work and rest for children. To prevent all possible adverse consequences, you need to properly build your child's daily routine.

The duration of school and extracurricular activities should take into account the age possibilities;

Sufficient rest must be provided (with maximum outdoor exposure);

The necessary time should be allotted for sleep.

sit down for lessons impractical not resting after school. It is best to start classes by having lunch and being outdoors for 1.5-2 hours. Active rest after lessons provides "relaxation", satisfies the need of the child's body for movement, communication. The start time for homework should be firmly fixed. Doing the lessons always at the same hours allows the child to quickly enter the working state and contributes to the best preparation of homework. Take care of a comfortable workplace. The child must have his own desk.

In the daily routine, it is necessary to provide for about 1.5 hours for activities that meet the inclinations of the child - reading, circle work, watching a movie on television, music and sports activities. Make sure that doing one thing does not take all your free time. And, of course, you need to carefully monitor proper nutrition, in every possible way to promote its observance.

Invaluable for health, cheerfulness, high efficiency has sleep hygiene. Need for sleep is: at 10-12 years old - 9-10 hours.

MOU "Lyceum No. 3 named after P.A. Stolypin, Rtishchevo, Saratov Region"
Preventive conversation "Conversation with parents about education and more."
In modern society, more and more people are inclined to believe that raising a child begins
in family. This is his primary school. Here he must learn from his parents, performing
the role of mentors, the lessons that will lead him through life, the lessons of respect, obedience,
reverence and self-control. Home education has a decisive influence, directing
either for good or for evil.
THOUGHT!!!
 If a child is constantly criticized, he learns to hate.
 If a child lives in enmity, he learns aggressiveness.
 If the child is ridiculed, he becomes withdrawn.
 If a child is often blamed, he learns to live with guilt.
 If a child grows up in tolerance, he learns to understand others.
 If a child is encouraged, he learns to believe in himself.
 If a child is praised, he learns to be grateful.
 If a child grows up in honesty, he learns to be fair.
 If a child lives in safety, he learns to trust in people.
 If a child is supported, he learns to value himself.
Episode 1. Rules for doing homework.
Developing the habit of rigorously doing homework should certainly
be accompanied by the development of an approach to the lessons as an important and serious matter, causing
respect from adults. From this, perhaps, it is necessary
start off. Those parents who, from the beginning of schooling, give their child
to understand that in their importance the lessons are on the same level with the most serious matters,
that adults are busy with. The little schoolboy feels it perfectly. He didn't have before
cases that parents could interrupt at their own discretion. He went for a walk in the yard -
he can be called from a walk at any moment. He began to play - he may be ordered to postpone
toys aside and go eat. And suddenly now among his affairs there appears one that neither mother,
nor daddy never interrupt! Naturally, this case (more precisely, this activity) has in the eyes
the child has a special status. If his occupation cannot be interrupted, just as
interfere with adults when they are working, if the elders try not to disturb him, then the lessons are so
as important as the work that adults do. If you choose to help your child
cooking homework, you should be patient and imaginative to turn

occupation not into a painful procedure, but into a fascinating way of communication and knowledge, bringing
a real pleasure and benefit to the child, and to you. You will need more endurance, strength,
confidence in success than a child. To make the mission easier, consider the basic rules
organization of individual assistance to the child at home, which are able to bring him
really benefit, not harm.
1. Do homework with your child, not instead of him. Try to convince
child that conscientious completion of lessons greatly facilitates the implementation
class assignments, that at home you can find out everything that he could not ask at school without
embarrassment to practice in what is not yet possible.
2. Do with your child only what is given at school. Do not overload the student
additional tasks. Remember that the child is at school for 45 hours and then
his work day continues as he continues to do his homework. The life of a child is
should consist only of school assignments.
3. Work calmly, without hassle, reproaches, censures. Try to find every time
for which you can praise the child. If you fail, repeat the tasks, giving similar ones.
4. Never start with difficult tasks, gradually complicate tasks. During the course
it is very important to reinforce each correct step of the child, as confidence in
doing it right helps.
5. Complicate tasks only when the previous ones have been successfully completed. Do not hurry
get the result, success will come if the child is self-confident.
6. If adjustments need to be made as the work progresses, do so immediately as
the child can “learn” the mistake. But avoid the words “you are doing wrong”, “this
wrong".
7. In order for your work with your child to be more effective, it must be
systematic, but short-lived. In addition, it is necessary that this work is not
was a tedious, additional, heavy load, the purpose of which the child does not know and does not
understands.
Episode 2

“There is absolutely no time to take care of the baby!”
 Adults often forget a simple truth - if you have already given birth to a child, you need time for him
find. The child who constantly hears that adults do not have time for him will
look for soul mates on the side or attract the attention of adults with bad
behavior.
 Even if your day is scheduled by the minute, find half an hour in the evening (in this matter
quality is more important than quantity) sit with him, talk, help the child with household chores
business, tell an interesting, instructive story or discuss a cartoon.

 If the child came to school without completed lessons, received comments from the teacher,
the child gets stressed. The teacher at school explained, showed, taught. Homework
which? HOME. His child is obliged to do at home, under the supervision of parents in
mandatory. (see Rules for doing homework)
Episode 3

"Measures of punishment!"
 Physical punishment can lead to a loss of responsiveness in the child, the ability to
empathize and empathize with other people.
 Punishment then achieves its goal when it helps the child to improve, causes repentance,
condemnation of one's own behavior.

The child should always know why he is being punished. Explaining to him his fault, not
discuss his personality, but discuss the offense that the child committed.
 The most effective punishment is to put him on the sofa and make him read a specific
story and retell it.
Episode 4. "If the teacher is wrong"
Preserving the teacher's authority in the eyes of the child is important not for the teacher and not for the school, but for
normal development of the child. However, what to do if the teacher does not meet his
high role? This, unfortunately, happens. In such cases, there is only one way out:
explain to the child that the teacher is an ordinary living person, the same as everyone else, just in
in this particular situation, his actions, for one reason or another, are not entirely correct, but not
allow the child to develop a negative attitude towards the teacher in general.
What should never be said:
1. The teacher doesn't like you.
2. The teacher grades unfairly.
3. Your teacher is stupid.
4. The requirement of the teacher does not need to be fulfilled - it is wrong.
5. The teacher has no right to do so.
What you can say to a child, but only as a last resort:
1. If the teacher scolds you more often than others, despite the fact that you all behave in the same way, then
- he is just afraid that you will forget too quickly what he has already told you.
2. The mark is given not only for knowledge, but also for attitude. Perhaps the teacher thought that
if you were not lazy, you would do a much better job.
3. Everyone can sometimes forget about something or not notice something.
4. Perhaps this time the teacher made a mistake. Sometimes this happens to everyone.

5. After all, we don’t know exactly why the teacher did this, so let’s not
understand his behavior.
Episode 5

"Tact of Parents"
 Dear parents, if you want your child to hear the teacher at school, do not
undermine the authority of the teacher, do not discuss it in the presence of the child.
 Remember the teacher is also a person, he has his own family and children. He also wants after work
pay attention to your household, and not work as a teacher at home on the phone.
 If you would like to see your child's progress in school, come
directly to the school. By doing this, you show your child that you are interested in him.
learning and their control, which will stimulate the desire to study well.
And yet, consider a few secrets about raising children from around the world.
"Wait!"
It is this word that parents in some European countries say even to the smallest
children, because they believe that a child should be taught that you can’t get everything on the first
requirement. It is with the help of small pauses that parents ensure that children grow up.
more independent.
Magic words.
Who among us was not taught "magic words" as children? Thank you after the meal and say
“please” if you ask someone for something - we know these words and teach our children
use them as we were once taught to do so. But for parents the same mandatory
words other than "thank you" and "please" are "hello" and "goodbye". Noticed
that forcing a small child to say hello to an adult is quite difficult. Especially if you
you come with a child to a strange house and adults are unfamiliar. The child is lost, shy,
stubborn and silent. You make an attempt, but it is most likely doomed to failure, but you don’t
waiting for another. A simple "hello" for the child and others means that he can lead
yourself civilized. So this "magic word" sets the tone for communication between children and adults. WITH
these words are hard to disagree with.
Who is in charge in the house?
In French families, the question of who is in charge in the house is not raised. The child is always aware
place, and if he sometimes forgets about him, French moms and dads tell him: “Here I decide!”
French Pamela Druckerman Contrasting the American Way of Parenting
emphasizes that in the New World, parents are afraid to infringe on the freedom of their children. It comes down to
absurdity. A child in kindergarten may respond to a teacher’s remark: “You are not my boss!”
and keep doing your thing. In freedom-loving France, this is simply out of the question: "in
in a country where revolution and barricades are revered, there are no anarchists at the family table.”
I note that in France the boundaries of what children can do, and what
it is forbidden. By the way, within these limits, children are absolutely free. They can be naughty and

indulge, and no one will scold them for minor misconduct, therefore, in principle, in France
children are punished very rarely:
“When setting boundaries for children, parents often use the expression “have / do not have
right". “Don't hit Jules,” they say. “You have no right to beat him.” And the difference is not only in
semantics. Such a ban sounds quite different. This expression implies that there is
some fixed, organized system of rules for adults and children. And if the child is not
has the right to do one thing, he has the right to do something else.
Another phrase that French parents often use when communicating with their children is “not
I approve”, which carries much more than the usual “no”. So the parents
show that they have their own opinion, which the child must reckon with. Wherein
it is allowed that the baby can have his own opinion on any occasion.
Perhaps that is why there is always such calm at the table in France. Instead of,
in order to wait for a big scandal and resort to severe punishments, parents take
many small polite preventative steps based on the system in place
rules.
adult time
French children are often sent to summer camps. Parents don't have to worry
too much due to abrasions or bruises, they must trust the teachers and can rejoice
opportunity to be without children. Being just the two of you is a very common way of relaxing for
parents. They are not tormented by remorse if they went somewhere without children and did not
they panic because no one will cope with children the way they themselves. But apart from travel and
going out together, "adult time" happens every day. Small children are usually put to bed
sleep quite early - after 8 pm, time for parents begins. They send
children in their rooms, and those, even if they do not go to bed, are already playing in their nurseries. No
running around the house and demanding hours to put them to bed are not in such families. In the morning
children also do not burst into the room to their parents, but wait for them to come out.
Spouses relationship.
It is believed that the most important thing in a family is the relationship between mom and dad, and children are on the second
place. Indeed, there are a lot of families that put the child or children at the forefront if they
some. Such families are called child-centric. But what happens to them when children
grow up? When you don’t have to run somewhere with them, develop them, do your homework, roll down the mountain?
Is there anything left that makes spouses interesting to each other, regardless of children? When
children are small, it is very difficult to believe that sooner or later they will leave your house. But on
it's actually happening fast. It would seem that quite recently you were shaking this lump in
wheelchair, and now he is studying at the institute, travels independently to another country and drives a car.
What is left for you? Only live your own life, which should not depend
entirely from those whom you gave birth to and raised. And in this I cannot but agree with
the French, who, according to statistics, are considered the happiest spouses in Europe.
Let's think about it and be happy parents for our children!

Reminder for children:
how to communicate
with difficult parents

Instructions for children of single mothers, alcoholics, divorced
and other parents

Memo to children: how to deal with difficult parents

Instructions for children of single mothers, alcoholics, divorced and other parents

single mother

We are constantly fed with advice on how to behave with difficult children, they talk about their crises and peculiarities, but they are silent about how children should behave with parents who, to put it mildly, are not all right. We decided to interview people who grew up in not the most simple families, and try to understand how to behave if support from adults is not to be expected. We are sure that our memo can help children who have grown up a long time ago. After all, if children are always children for parents, even when they are over 20, then parents always remain parents, even if they have long fallen into insanity or have lost their former influence on us.

A woman who, after a divorce, transferred all her longing for relationships, intimacy and warmth to her children. Even worse if the child is only one. It is not for us and not for you to condemn such behavior and advise "to find someone for yourself." Not only is it tactless and even cruel, it is also completely ineffective. Just offend or piss off. But we need to figure out how to escape from this suffocating love or hypertrophied control, which is actually about the same thing. The procedure is this.

single mother

Put your guard down and lower your anxiety with good behavior (as she understands it), text messages, calls in case of a no-night stay or being late, a joint dinner once a week, a joint vacation (calmly! No one has died from this yet). Hold on for a month or two or three.

Increase your distance. Carefully start talking about living separately, of course, next to her, about how you dream of studying in another country with your own money. The price of freedom is the ability to survive alone. Warning that next week (next month) is very busy and you may call and write less often, but the phone will always be on!

Do not forget to be interested in her mood, but do not run to the pharmacy, but sigh sympathetically. This will help both of you move to a new stage of the relationship, when both you and she will help only if asked.

1) Put your guard down and lower your anxiety with good behavior (as she understands it), text messages, calls in case of a no-night stay or being late, a joint dinner once a week, a joint vacation (calmly! No one has died from this yet). Hold on for a month or two or three.

2) Increase the distance. Carefully start talking about living separately, of course, next to her, about how you dream of studying in another country with your own money. The price of freedom is the ability to survive alone. Warning that next week (next month) is very busy and you may call and write less often, but the phone will always be on!

3) And the last step: finally change the algorithm "control, guardianship - irritation, scandal" to "respect - respect". Help your mother if she asks, introduce your partner if you want it yourself, have dinner together once a month, take a vacation together once a year. And most importantly: if you want to be respected and not bothered by you, do not behave like a teenager who, on the one hand, wants to be independent, and on the other, runs to his mother as soon as his tail is pinched. Adult means adult.

And the last step: finally change the algorithm "control, guardianship - irritation, scandal" to "respect - respect". Help your mother if she asks, introduce your partner if you want it yourself, have dinner together once a month, take a vacation together once a year. And most importantly: if you want to be respected and not bothered by you, do not behave like a teenager who, on the one hand, wants to be independent, and on the other, runs to his mother as soon as his tail is pinched. Adult means adult.

Alcoholic parent

Children of alcoholics are very different, but one quality is in each of them: they are used to living in an unpredictable, changing world filled with anxiety and expectation. They don't know what stability is, what the rear is, what even, constant closeness is. They keep everything under control, put their lives in order to streamline the chaos and rein in the unbelted reality.

The second type of children of alcoholics are vest people. They listen to your every hiccup in your breath, sense your mood by your choice of socks, soothe, adjust and choke-choke-choke with gentle control. What if you are one of them? How to communicate with parents if they are dependent alcoholics or drug addicts?

1) The first and most important condition is to leave. Are you scared for them, are you ashamed of them, do you want to protect and kill them at the same time? Leave! Only physical distance, only hardcore. When guilt and fear begin to torment you that something will happen to them, or your relatives and friends tell you what a bad and uncaring child you are, insert earplugs and tie yourself to a chair with tape.

2) Call a couple of times a week and ask how things are going. But get rid of the habit of immediately getting angry or anxious to rush to help. You can't help him, and you never could. What you took for help was an affirmation of your worth, which, in turn, quelled your anxiety a little.

It is quite possible that you are the type of alcoholic child who cut their parents out of life. If you accepted them and let them go in peace - this is one thing, but if at one memory your jaws begin to go and anger mixed with shame completely takes possession of you - it means that you did not solve the situation, but in desperation pretended that this did not exist, and it’s too early or later you will be covered.

3) Try to make minimal contact. You will have to go through anger, shame, guilt, despair, disappointment and suffocating pity. But if after all this you can feel that in front of you is an adult who has decided to do this with his life of his own free will, it will become a little easier for you. And yes, your mom or your dad is an alcoholic. And yes - this cannot be changed, but think about how much strength and skills this gave you in life. Look at these squishy and sissy, who grew up in bliss and care. What have they achieved? That's it. Call mom or dad. And don't care what others think of them.

Learn to treat the drinking parent like an adult who deserves respect and knows what to do. If a parent is trying to pity you, you will have to be polite, but fall for these manipulations. Yes, it's a pity, yes, it hurts, but that's how it happened. If your parent is aggressive with you, the strategy is the same. Calmly, respectfully, but at a distance.

stepfather or stepmother

1) It is better to choose a calm position of the observer. You don't owe this person anything. He chose his own partner with a child. This does not mean that he should walk in front of you on his hind legs, not at all. But for starters, you can just be polite to each other. Take a closer look at it: what is good in it, what is unpleasant. By the will of fate, you will have to be together for some time. Exactly the same thing you need to behave when you have already grown up, and your mom or dad decided to start another family. Any emotions will be superfluous in this situation. It is possible that later you will become friends. Or, on the contrary, decide that they are unpleasant to each other. But it takes time to understand this. Take a breather.

2) If the first stage was relatively calm and everyone survived, you can start building relationships. You will have to balance between three people. For example, your mom, your dad and his new wife. It is quite possible that for the stepmother you will be an eternal reminder of dad's former love, for mom - a bridge to maintain relationships or manipulation of dad, and for dad - either a burden or an eternal generator of guilt. Not life, but a miracle. Stay neutral. Let them figure it out. Do not try to console or intentionally anger. Your own life remains your priority. Communicate with that family, and with this one, but in moderation. Maybe it is your position that will sooner or later lead them to peace and, albeit shaky, but agreement.

The first and most important condition is to leave. Are you scared for them, are you ashamed of them, do you want to protect and kill them at the same time? Leave! Only physical distance, only hardcore. When guilt and fear begin to torment you that something will happen to them, or your relatives and friends tell you what a bad and uncaring child you are, insert earplugs and tie yourself to a chair with tape.

Friendly parents with only child

Try to make minimal contact. You will have to go through anger, shame, guilt, despair, disappointment and suffocating pity. But if after all this you can feel that in front of you is an adult who has decided to do this with his life of his own free will, it will become a little easier for you. And yes, your mom or your dad is an alcoholic. And yes - this cannot be changed, but think about how much strength and skills this gave you in life. Look at these squishy and sissy, who grew up in bliss and care. What have they achieved? That's it. Call mom or dad. And don't care what others think of them.

Call a couple of times a week and ask how things are going. But get rid of the habit of immediately getting angry or anxious to rush to help. You can't help him, and you never could. What you took for help was an affirmation of your worth, which, in turn, quelled your anxiety a little.

1. When you were little, you felt like a by-product of a high-profile parent-centered relationship designed specifically to keep grandparents entertained in retirement. The plus is that you didn’t become a lifelong project for your parents and didn’t dump your complexes on you and didn’t demand to live an alternative, improved version of parental life - with cups, medals and a prestigious university chosen for you. Minus: you still feel superfluous. Every year the distance increases, you begin to notice that you yourself avoid too close contact and only schematically dedicate your parents to your affairs. The truth is that they themselves would like to know more, but the built paradigm does not allow them to interfere in their own business or put pressure on you. Try to get close first. You don’t need to ask for global advice, just open your shell a little and see how the tension in your formal relationship will go away.

2. You have no idea how your parents manage to live together for more than 30 years without reproaches and abuse. All your life you have before your eyes an example of an ideal relationship, but you don’t understand a damn thing how they work. And it's annoying. Are you guessing, sorting through the most exotic options: perhaps they are regulars at swinger clubs or accidentally killed someone at a student party and this complicity keeps them together for many years? Everything is much more prosaic: it’s just that their agreement worked, it’s just that marriage is what they are cool at. Understand that you don't have to try to replicate their exceptional experience. Analyzing another failure in your own relationship, do not try on the parent model. This will only exacerbate your “what is wrong with me?”. It's all the same, just different.

3. In such families, often one of the parents protects the other from information and impressions that, in his opinion, can injure the partner. If you notice that dad is not telling mom about your new outstanding exploits and he also asks you to keep quiet, report your displeasure. Only you can decide what to tell and to whom. Playing safe broken phone will only reinforce your by-product self-awareness. Not only is it collateral, but also defective and shameful. Explain to your parents that this is not for you at all.

Friendly family with several children

Stepfather

or stepmother

1) Parents have long been accustomed to the fact that all their children have a little bells and whistles - and each with his own. Therefore, nothing is surprising for a long time. One lives on the next street, the other lives with them, the third one lives in America for five years. Probably the most important thing to do is remember to call. They sometimes do not realize that they are worried. This is rather a background excitement, when in childhood they understood that the child was somehow slightly delayed from a walk and it was a little unclear whether it was necessary to start panicking or whether it was time to take a break from the noise and take a nap in a chair for three minutes. So get in the habit of contacting your parents after a certain period of time - for example, once a week.

2) No matter how old you are and no matter how long you live separately, consider that nothing has changed in one single plan - you are also responsible for your brothers and sisters, just as they are for you. You must come to the aid of your parents if one of them has a terrible experience: help with advice, act as an adviser-negotiator, or become the hands of a terrible operation. It’s not easy for parents, and you most likely still understand your brothers and sisters much better than they do.

3) Take the time to finally find that very edge of mutual respect. For all these years of living in a large family, everyone must have grown tired. Parents are tired of someone constantly breaking into their bedroom and forgetting to put milk in the refrigerator, you are tired of being advised to wear a hat. At this new stage in the relationship, it is important to be able to exclude all annoying elements from this scheme and, in order not to get bored, leave those that delight and give a feeling of pleasant nostalgia. Well, there are perverts who like talking about hats.

divorced parents

Oh, it's a miracle when you are a little or already grown up, they introduce you to some aunt or some uncle and as a result it turns out that this is your new family member. And not just a family member! This is your second dad or mom. Yes, now how! This one, smelling in a strange way with a wary look, dressed in a strange way, will now tell you what to do? Thanks, no.

Of course, this is just one of the possible reactions, but it is the most honest. Everything else is either an imitation of love and friendship in order not to upset one parent, or excessive aggression so as not to upset the other. But either way, whether you're mad at your dad's new wife or your dad's new husband, or pretending to be cool, it's still better to behave in the one best way.

People break up for a variety of reasons, and parents, in general, are people too. The very process of parting is often traumatic for a child, but it is life after a divorce that can be a real test.

The way you put yourself after a divorce will determine a lot in your relationship with your parents for years to come. As the closest witness, or even a participant in dramatic events, you are unlikely to be able to remain completely impartial, especially since your parents will turn you against each other, even if sometimes unconsciously. But if you want to keep a relationship with both of them, you need to learn not to take sides. How to do it?

1. Remember: in what happened, most likely, both of them are to blame, or even no one is to blame. Learn not to react to stories of the horrors of your past life. It will take your mom and dad years to be able to look at your failed marriage more or less balanced, so you have to be smart and not let their ongoing correspondence dialogue poison your life here and now.

2. If their life together was really hell, then divorce is not a tragedy, but a liberation, including yours. Try not to be jealous if one of the parents managed to start another family, but try to be happy for him and improve relations with new relatives. If another family caused the breakup, then try to support the one who was left alone and inspire him to start a new life.

3. Breaking up your parents doesn't mean you're breaking up with either of them - you have your own relationship with each. Ignore the remarks about "mother's things" and "dad's habits", this does not concern you. If you're lucky, you'll still have to drop your grandchildren on them - by this point it would be nice to come out of a state of war.

P.S. Do not project what happened to your parents onto yourself. You are like them, but you are not them. Their failure in their personal lives does not mean that there are no happy unions. At the same time, learn from their mistakes - getting married "because I'm already 20", "because three years have passed" and even because of pregnancy is completely optional. You yourself saw that marriage and children do not save relationships.

It is better to choose a calm position of the observer. You don't owe this person anything. He chose his own partner with a child. This does not mean that he should walk in front of you on his hind legs, not at all. But for starters, you can just be polite to each other. Take a closer look at it: what is good in it, what is unpleasant. By the will of fate, you will have to be together for some time. Exactly the same thing you need to behave when you have already grown up, and your mom or dad decided to start another family. Any emotions will be superfluous in this situation. It is possible that later you will become friends. Or, on the contrary, decide that they are unpleasant to each other. But it takes time to understand this. Take a breather.

Parents behind the wall

Half the country has been living with their parents or grandparents for generations, and no one has died from it. And you will not die either, even if you are no longer 18 and even, probably, not 20 years old. The reasons for this can be completely different: from lack of money for an independent life to the fear that there will be no one to wash and iron your things. In any case, the main thing is not to turn your life into a Soviet everyday drama about the conflict between fathers and children.

1) You should not pretend that you are an emancipated teenager, and your "ancestors" are evil tyrants. This can happen in childhood. If you're stuck with your parents, it's best to imagine that you're renting a room in a shared apartment. Respect your neighbors and demand respect in return. The common apartment must be kept clean, and the room must be safe from external intrusions.

2) The better contact with parents is established, the easier your coexistence will be. If they think you don't smoke, drink or have sex, you'll have too much to hide. Most likely, they will accept everything much more calmly than you think. Once you have little to hide, negotiating becomes much easier.

3) Parents also have feelings. If you carefully avoid them and defend your territory too zealously, they may well think that you consider the apartment to be a hotel, and them to be service personnel. It won't work, you need emotional contact. Best of all, joint quests like watching a movie - so you can not discuss the details of your life and have a good time. However, discussing your life can also be a great quest.

If the first stage went relatively smoothly and everyone survived, you can begin to build relationships. You will have to balance between three people. For example, your mom, your dad and his new wife. It is quite possible that for the stepmother you will be an eternal reminder of dad's former love, for mom - a bridge to maintain relationships or manipulation of dad, and for dad - either a burden or an eternal generator of guilt. Not life, but a miracle. Stay neutral. Let them figure it out. Do not try to console or intentionally anger. Your own life remains your priority. Communicate with that family, and with this one, but in moderation. Maybe it is your position that will sooner or later lead them to peace and, albeit shaky, but agreement.

friendly parents
with only child

Throughout your childhood, you heard from others: “Oh, are you alone with your parents? It doesn't look like it!" As if since you do not have brothers and sisters, you must behave like a capricious terrorist and greedy.

Almost none of your friends and buddies grew up in complete families. And now, when they tell stories of their formation, fall, alcoholism or chronic failure in relationships, they often point to this fact as a reason. And you don’t even have anything to brag about: well, yes, I’m as defective and licentious as you are, but I made myself that way. Or is it still not?

As a child, you felt like a by-product of a high-profile parent-centered relationship designed specifically to keep grandparents entertained in retirement. The plus is that you didn’t become a lifelong project for your parents and didn’t dump your complexes on you and didn’t demand to live an alternative, improved version of parental life - with cups, medals and a prestigious university chosen for you. Minus: you still feel superfluous. Every year the distance increases, you begin to notice that you yourself avoid too close contact and only schematically dedicate your parents to your affairs. The truth is that they themselves would like to know more, but the built paradigm does not allow them to interfere in their own business or put pressure on you. Try to get close first. You don’t need to ask for global advice, just open your shell a little and see how the tension in your formal relationship will go away.

In such families, often one of the parents protects the other from information and impressions that, in his opinion, can injure the partner. If you notice that dad is not telling mom about your new outstanding exploits and he also asks you to keep quiet, report your displeasure. Only you can decide what to tell and to whom. Playing safe broken phone will only reinforce your by-product self-awareness. Not only is it collateral, but also defective and shameful. Explain to your parents that this is not for you at all.

You have no idea how your parents manage to live together for more than 30 years, doing without reproaches and abuse. All your life you have before your eyes an example of an ideal relationship, but you don’t understand a damn thing how they work. And it's annoying. Are you guessing, sorting through the most exotic options: perhaps they are regulars at swinger clubs or accidentally killed someone at a student party and this complicity keeps them together for many years? Everything is much more prosaic: it’s just that their agreement worked, it’s just that marriage is what they are cool at. Understand that you don't have to try to replicate their exceptional experience. Analyzing another failure in your own relationship, do not try on the parent model. This will only exacerbate your “what is wrong with me?”. It's all the same, just different.

Friendly family
with several children

You grew up in an average family, of which there are millions in Russia. While children from large families and children of single mothers were protected in every possible way, you were the mainstay of a prosperous life. So often you had to put a good face on a bad game. Now that you are an adult, it's time to forget all the bad things and remember the good things with joy. And finally build a healthy relationship without violating personal boundaries.

Parents have long been accustomed to the fact that all their children have a little bells and whistles - and each with his own. Therefore, nothing is surprising for a long time. One lives on the next street, the other lives with them, the third one lives in America for five years. Probably the most important thing to do is remember to call. They sometimes do not realize that they are worried. This is rather a background excitement, when in childhood they understood that the child was somehow slightly delayed from a walk and it was a little unclear whether it was necessary to start panicking or whether it was time to take a break from the noise and take a nap in a chair for three minutes. So get in the habit of contacting your parents after a certain period of time - for example, once a week.