Funny stories interesting cases from life. Really funny stories from real life

They call the system administrator from one office, they say, nothing works here, 1C does not work, there is no network, there is no Internet, in general, there is nothing ... The admin arrives, looks at the server, and asks:
- The server was here, where is it?
Those:
- Which server?
Admin:
- Here was the server, where is it?
Those:
- Oh, so there was a computer here, no one worked behind it, well, we gave it to an orphanage ...

Went to take out the trash. I think I'll smoke. A neighbor comes out, silently lights a cigarette, we stood with him in complete silence, he throws a cigarette butt and says: "This is such garbage, Andryukha!"

In Kyiv, on the corner of Verkhniy Val and Mezhyhirska streets, there is an EPOS company that recovers data from hard drives, flash drives, floppy disks, etc. And nearby, behind the fence, is the Podolsk regional police department.
Law enforcement officers shamelessly and free of charge used the computer brains and hands of the company's specialists, and the company considered the regional department to be its "roof" from all the troubles that await businessmen in this god-offended country.
On a December afternoon in 2001, a police chief with big stars on shoulder straps entered the office of the head of EPOS. He brought a hard drive and asked to restore secret service documents from a damaged disk. He even demanded a non-disclosure agreement from the director.
All the information was recovered - 50 gigabytes of porn movies, 10 gigabytes of the same pictures, 3 gigabytes of music, mostly chanson, and a ONE and ONLY text file - a job application form.

I love my girlfriend. I texted her - baked pies, come and have a cup of tea ... And she answered - I can’t, I’m driving tomorrow! .. Iron logic!

An interesting story happened:
Having recently inherited 2 apartments located nearby (combined earlier by parents) on the fifth floor, I laid eyes on the third, the last one on the stairwell. A few years later, I still bought it, it was not without loans, but that's not the point. The whole fifth floor is mine - a pleasant feeling.
One Friday evening, there is a knock on the door: I open it, three aunts stand with some literature and ask if I believe, I would like to listen to a certain text. In general, I culturally send them and close the door.
After a while, there is a knock on the second door. And then I realized what was going on. With a stone face, as if for the first time, I open it - the aunts look at each other, are lost in words, begin to look around and cross themselves. I tersely send them culturally to the same place, and run to the third door, dying of laughter.
Well, what do you think? After a while they knock!! For some reason, they knock :) I open it, I wanted to joke, and they, having thrown their waste paper, run down the stairs with a squeal, stuttering about something unclean, etc.
Now I'm waiting for postmen, scribes, and some other figures. My wife and I wanted to remove the door, now let's wait :))))))

My girlfriend has a cousin, Vasya, who is quite small. Once Vasya's mother in kindergarten was approached by the mother of one of the girls from his group:
- My daughter peed because of your son!
- How could your daughter peed because of my son?!
- She saw him pissing standing up and decided to try it too!

It was just a good mood. I walk around the office and sing: "Thirty-three cows, thirty-three cows ...".
And I'm the only man in the group. The remaining 20 are women. I realized my mistake, but it was too late. Offended...

One day we went as a family to visit relatives. Everyone went into the entrance, and my mother lingered in the car. By the way, before that we were with them once.
So, going up the stairs, she mixed up the floor and opened the door of complete strangers (for some reason, the door was not locked).
She went...
I took off my shoes...
I went to the kitchen (the layout is exactly the same) AND RUNNED THERE WITH THE WORDS: "Oh, oh, it smells like fried potatoes!"
Silent pause.
To say that the diners were stunned would be an understatement!

This morning, on the Russia TV channel, the presenter in a cheerful voice talked about all sorts of interesting events in the life of the country (such as an exhibition there, a presentation there, a show there) and here, without changing her bravura tone, she gives out the phrase:
- And soon many of our compatriots will be able to try the soldier's menu.
I just thought that again some kind of patriotic show was muddied, and she continues:
- This year, more than 150,000 young Russians are subject to conscription.

Today I'm reading a news report: "Dmitry Medvedev held meetings on labor protection in the chat," I re-read it, and it turns out I'm in Chita. Well, he is quite capable.

My wife and husband came to the supermarket. He stayed in the car while she went to get groceries. She didn't have enough money at the checkout. She leaves the store, and a gypsy woman is already standing by the car and asks her husband for money for bread through the window. The wife pushes her away with her shoulder: -
Move over! You can't do anything! Learn!
Puts his hand in the window:
- Give five hundred rubles!
The husband, of course, holds out a bill. Imagine the eyes of a gypsy...

Now it was a spectacle! The security guard called me to talk to "some workers". Two men are looking for a 6kV cable break, which turns out to be underground from the end of the office, right under the extension leading to the basement. But HOW do they "search" !!! They have a wooden stick about 1.6m long, they put it on the asphalt, and put the other end to their ear and listen. I was even taken aback at first what kind of shamans they were.
It turns out that high-voltage discharges are fed into the cable from the substation and microexplosions are obtained at the place of the break. These are the sounds of these microexplosions they listen to. stick. 21 century. The guys are certainly great, unique, the accuracy of determining the cliff is 20-30 cm, but still I sit in prostration ...

A few days ago, while walking my dachshund in the park, I saw a cool picture. About four meters from the path, someone took out and left a cardboard box with rags. I don’t know why and why, but the squirrel noticed the rags from this box, and quickly began to drag it, apparently, to her house. Run once, run twice, run three...
But then a little man with a stroller appears on the horizon, who, looking around with a predatory look, assessed what to profit from ... At this time, our worker, grabbing another shred, rushed to the house. The man, having approached the box, examined it, but, apparently, decided not to gut it in a public place, but simply put it on a stroller, and slowly shoveled further.
The squirrel returned, and did not see its box, looked around and noticed a man leaving with a stroller, on which was the same box. Having issued an incomprehensible cry, or a squeak, or something else, the squirrel rushed after the peasant, caught up, jumped onto the box, without stopping squealing something in his squirrel tongue. The man looked around and saw a screeching squirrel. The game of staring continued for about a minute. I don’t know whether the man was fluent in the squirrel language, or he simply guessed that he had not taken his own, but, smiling, he removed the box from the stroller and set it aside from the path, and he himself moved on about his business. The squirrel instantly grabbed some rag from the box and immediately rushed away, apparently to finish building his house.

Our daughter is 2.5 years old. Looks almost like an angel. Unfortunately, he often gets sick - therefore, the algorithm of actions during illness has been worked out by us to automaticity. At night, when the child coughed again, the wife first tries to quickly lull her so that she sleeps further. If this does not help, my task, as a dad, is to take the child in my arms to walk around the apartment until she calms down and falls asleep.
But in the morning, the reflexes are not the same, and therefore, when at 4 in the morning the daughter coughed again, the wife reacted belatedly and went to the crib to find a completely woken up offended child who, frowning at her mother, said:
- What are you staring at? Call dad, we will download.

My grandmother is a funny user - she learned to use the Internet (well, what do they need ... all sorts of recipes, herbs, etc.), but she didn’t understand what it was. So, the other day I took her laptop from the village to clean it. She gave out a phrase from which I am still in a stupor:
- You, - he says, - granddaughters, just don’t sit in your city through it on the Internet, otherwise your Internet is dirty, there are so many viruses ... not like we have in the village ... Good, clean, so FRESH ...

I am going on a full bus. Nearby is a tall, handsome guy of about 19 years old. Suddenly his phone rang. He picks up the phone (it would be better if he didn’t do this!) and says: “Great, I’m on the bus, my phone is covered, so I turned on the speakerphone. And then a male voice is heard from the speakers throughout the salon: "ahem ... Hello everyone! My name is Max, and this is my friend - Lech! A girl hasn't given him for six months, because he's a dick!". The whole bus just lay in a frenzy! The guy almost died of embarrassment.

Before issuing a driver's license, the traffic police for some reason requested a certificate from my wife that she was not pregnant. Well, it’s not customary to argue with the traffic police, and it’s useless. The wife went to the clinic and returned from there with a certificate. I read: “Citizen such and such (name, passport, series, number, issued then) is not pregnant. And further: “The certificate is valid for 3 years.” And you say contraceptives.

This morning I heard on TV, a feng shui expert said: "If you know where everything is in your mess, then this is no longer a mess, but your personal order." League of Leni, feng shui with us!

We then lived near the forest. One fine and quite ordinary morning, our neighbor Galina, as usual, went to work. It was unusual that on the way she found a frozen squirrel on the ground (later we never found out for what purpose she picked it up. Maybe on a stuffed animal, maybe on a collar, or on the principle "everything will do in the household"). In general, she took the squirrel home, and she left for work. By that time, the son was already at school, and the husband was returning from a business trip that day.

A couple of hours later, the head looks into the department and tells us that Galkin's husband is calling with some strange questions, saying that everything is in order with his wife, have we noticed anything strange and asks to urgently send her home.

In general, that squirrel turned out to be by no means dead, but very much alive. She warmed up in the apartment and decided that she was the mistress here. And our Galya, to her misfortune, baked pancakes in the morning and left a note to her husband. The squirrel hung those pancakes all over the apartment to dry. I especially got carried away in the corridor on elk horns. Well, when the door to the apartment began to open, she hid.

Now imagine the state of your husband: he was not at home for a week, he comes in, and there ... PANCAKES EVERYWHERE and a note "Darling, this is for you!"

The father left the family about a year after the birth of his daughter. Before that, we lived together for a year. For me, the departure of my husband was a real shock. There were no scandals in our family. But my husband just picked up and left. On Friday evening after work, he came home with a friend. A friend was waiting for him in the car. My husband came home and said he was leaving me. I started collecting things. I sat with my daughter on the couch and could not believe the reality of what was happening. I couldn't watch my husband shoveling his clothes into bags. I took my daughter and went with her to the kitchen. Just needed to feed the baby.

I decided to write here to convey to people not only my position, but also the position of many doctors. Many patients are sure that doctors are indifferent to human lives, feelings, suffering. As if the profession suppresses everything human in doctors and as if we are not capable of sympathy. This is wrong.

Lived with my wife for 10 years. But a year ago, scandals began. As if we are fulfilling some kind of plan: every month we swear a couple of times. The last time is like this at all ... Take your wife, and tell me: "You can roll out of the family, but the children are not yours at all." If you don’t know how to make a person feel disgusting, then say that the children you love are not from him.

Good afternoon. I have been living in Australia for the last 5 years. I myself am from Ukraine. My hometown is Chernivtsi. For a long time I was looking for a country to move to. I think it’s worth telling what prompted me to move.

Firstly, I was looking for a country where I could raise children and be sure that tomorrow everything would not go to hell. Secondly, I just despaired of finding a normal job in Chernivtsi. Many of my friends went to work in neighboring Poland. I didn’t want to work around the clock in greenhouses or on some mushroom farm, and in the end get a little more than I would have earned in Ukraine.

At first I wanted to indicate the name and surname of my brother, but he did not allow it. It's embarrassing for him. So I will write like this. This story is primarily directed to people who believe that there will be nothing bright and good in their life.

She has lived all her life in the Voronezh region. Raised three children. Now I am 58 years old. It seems that I don’t feel like an old woman, I try not to attach importance to sores, chronic fatigue. But I feel that in just a few more years I will finally give up my positions.

My classmates used to call me Dilda in high school. At the age of 16, I already had a height of 195 cm. I did not play basketball or volleyball. Apparently, because of the good food or radiation, she waved such a thing. At first they called names on the sly, and then they openly called me a tall one. I couldn't stand my classmates. The tallest guy in our class did not even reach 190 cm.

All my life I worked on one large site. We used to have a print edition. Now only the sites remain.

Most of the people we have are on staff, but there are also remote workers (mostly designers, a system administrator and a few copywriters, they recently began to attract programmers). All remote workers work after the fact: they completed a certain amount of work at an agreed rate - at the end of the month we send money to an electronic wallet or card.

Once, Henry Ford, traveling in a small car of his company, saw on the road exactly the same car with a damaged engine.

He immediately provided the unfamiliar motorist with the necessary assistance: he supplied spare parts, adjusted the engine. When the grateful owner of the stuck car handed over five dollars, Ford smiled, “No, no, no money. Things are going well for me." “I don’t really believe it, venerable one! he replied. - If you succeed in business, you wouldn’t be shaking in a miserable “fordik” ...”.

Galileo Galilei spent his wedding night reading a book. Noticing that it was already dawn, he went to the bedroom, but immediately went out and asked the servant: “Who is lying in my bed?” "Your wife, sir," replied the servant. Galileo completely forgot that he was married.

The German mathematician Peter Gustav Dirichlet was very taciturn. When his son was born, he sent his father-in-law a telegram, perhaps the shortest in the history of the telegraph: "2 + 1 = 3."

The outstanding American scientist Thomas Edison, the author of many inventions in the field of electrical engineering and communications, film technology and telephony, chemistry and mining, military equipment, never worked without an assistant. For a long time, one of the assistants, a simple sailor in the past, helped Edison in conducting laboratory experiments and demonstrating new technology. When he was asked a question about how Edison makes his inventions, he was sincerely surprised every time: “I can’t figure it out myself. After all, I do everything for him, and Edison only frowns his forehead, but lets go of remarks addressed to me. And in general: I work, and he rests!

Once Voltaire was invited to a dinner party. When everyone was seated, it turned out that the maestro found himself between two grumpy gentlemen. Having drunk well, Voltaire's neighbors began to argue how to properly address the servants: "Bring me some water!" or "Give me water!". Voltaire unwittingly found himself right at the epicenter of this dispute. Finally, tired of this disgrace, the maestro could not stand it and said: - Gentlemen, both of these expressions are inapplicable to you! Both of you should say: "Take me to the watering hole!".

Traveling in France, Mark Twain traveled by train to the city of Dijon. The train was passing, and he asked to wake him up in time. At the same time, the writer said to the conductor: - I sleep very soundly. When you wake me up, maybe I will scream. So ignore it and be sure to drop me off at Dijon. When Mark Twain woke up, it was already morning, and the train was approaching Paris. The writer realized that Dijon had passed and became very angry. He ran to the conductor and began to reprimand him. - I've never been so angry as now! he shouted. "You're not as angry as the American I dropped off at Dijon last night," replied the guide.

After the first telegram was successfully transmitted from Europe to America, Alexander Stepanovich Popov made another report in one of the capital's clubs about his invention of a wireless telegraph system. Representatives of the royal court were present in the hall among the public, some of them were very skeptical about Popov's message. So, one of the high society ladies, not understanding a word from the report, turned to Popov with what she thought was a tricky question: “However, how do you explain that this is a telegram during its passage through the ocean, from mainland to mainland , didn’t drown and didn’t even get wet? Alexander Stepanovich just shrugged his shoulders, and the lady, looking around, smiled smugly.

At the closing ceremony of the 1896 automobile exhibition in Paris, the French physicist and electrical engineer Marcel Despres proposed a toast to a future car that would reach speeds of 60 kilometers per hour. In response, one well-known then designer of cars responded with displeasure: - Well, why is there always someone who, with his stupid predictions, will spoil the whole celebration!

One day, an acquaintance of Alexander Pushkin, officer Kondyb, asked the poet if he could come up with a rhyme for the words "cancer" and "fish". Pushkin replied: "Fool Kondyba!" The officer was embarrassed and offered to make a rhyme for the combination "fish and cancer." Pushkin was not at a loss here either: "Kondyba is a fool."

"There is no great man for a servant." A curious confirmation of this old rule was the opinion of an old gardener who served Charles Darwin for several decades. He was fond of the famous naturalist, but had a "minimum opinion" about his abilities: "Good old gentleman, but it's a pity - he can't find a worthwhile occupation. Judge for yourself: for several minutes he stands, staring at some flower. Well, would a person who has some serious occupation do it?

Once, speaking at a polytechnic institute at a debate about proletarian internationalism, Vladimir Mayakovsky said: - Among Russians, I feel like a Russian, among Georgians - a Georgian ... - And among fools? - suddenly someone shouted from the hall. “And for the first time among fools,” Mayakovsky replied instantly.

English theoretical physicist Paul Dirac married Wigner's sister. Soon a friend came to visit him, who still did not know anything about the event. In the midst of their conversation, a young woman entered the room, calling Dirac by name, pouring tea, and generally behaving like a mistress of the house. After some time, Dirac noticed the guest's embarrassment and, slapping his forehead, exclaimed: - Sorry, please, I forgot to introduce you - this is ... Wigner's sister!

Bernard Shaw, already a famous writer, once collided with a cyclist on the road. Fortunately, both escaped with only fright. The cyclist began to apologize, but Shaw objected: - You're out of luck, sir! A little more energy and you would have earned immortality as my killer.

One day, a very obese man said to a skinny Bernard Shaw, “You look like you might think your family is starving. - And look at you, you might think that you are the cause of this disaster.

The Prussian king Frederick II, considering himself an erudite man, liked to talk with members of his academy of sciences, sometimes asking the most ridiculous questions during these conversations. He once asked academicians: "Why does a glass filled with champagne give a cleaner ring than a glass filled with burgundy?" Professor Sulzer, on behalf of all the academicians present, replied: “Unfortunately, the members of the Academy of Sciences, with the low content that Your Majesty appointed them, are deprived of the opportunity to set up such experiments.”

Once Ilf and Petrov were asked if they had to write under a pseudonym. To which they replied: - Of course, Ilf sometimes signed Petrov, and Petrov Ilf.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, for fun, chose the addresses of 12 of the largest London bankers, who have a reputation for exceptionally honest and respectable people, and sent a telegram to each of them that read: “Everything came out. Hide." The next day, all 12 bankers disappeared from London. All of them acknowledged the criminal and anti-social nature of their activities as a fact of their flight.

Alexandre Dumas once dined with the famous doctor Gistal, who asked the writer to write something in his guest book. Dumas wrote: "Since Dr. Guistal treats entire families, the hospital must be closed." The doctor exclaimed: - You flatter me! Then Dumas added: "And build two cemeteries ..."

Guy de Maupassant worked for some time as an official in the ministry. A few years later, a description of Maupassant was found in the archives of the ministry: "A diligent official, but writes poorly."

In 1972, a young Indian wrote to John Lennon that he had a dream to travel around the world, but no money, and asked him to send the necessary amount. Lennon replied: "Meditate and you can see the whole world in your imagination." In 1995, the Hindu nevertheless went on a trip around the world. He received the required amount by selling Lennon's letter at auction.

Once a customs officer, inspecting the luggage of the British playwright, poet and writer Oscar Wilde, who was widely known for his wit, who arrived in New York, asked the distinguished guest if he had any jewelry and art objects that needed to be included in the declaration. “Nothing but my genius,” replied Oscar Wilde.

When the current heir to the British crown, Prince Charles, studied at Cambridge, a bodyguard went with him to all classes. The Cambridge system of education allowed the bodyguard to participate in discussion and debate. And at the end of the training, the teachers offered him to pass the exams. As a result, the bodyguard scored more points than the prince himself, and also received a diploma.

Once, at a reception, Charlie Chaplin performed a very complex opera aria for the assembled guests. When he finished, one of the guests exclaimed: - Amazing! I had no idea that you sing so wonderfully. - Not at all, - Chaplin smiled, - I never knew how to sing. I was just imitating the famous tenor I heard at the opera.

During the rest of Vladimir Vysotsky in Sochi, thieves looked into his hotel room. Together with things and clothes, they took all the documents, and even the key to the Moscow apartment. Having discovered the loss, Vysotsky went to the nearest police station, wrote a statement, and they promised to help him. But no help was needed. When he returned to the room, there were already stolen things and a note: “Sorry, Vladimir Semenovich, we didn’t know whose things these were. Jeans, unfortunately, we have already sold, but the jacket and documents are returned safe and sound.”

photo found on the internet

Interesting short funny stories from people's lives - this is exactly what will always be in demand among readers. Any person likes to laugh at what happened in the life of another. Funny stories can cheer you up at any time of the day. It is known that what was taken from life will amuse for more than one year. And laughter, as you know, prolongs life!

Holidays with friends already involve telling all sorts of funny stories. Many of these gatherings end up on the Internet. If you want to read a collection of very funny life stories, welcome to our site!

“About how a child helped mom lose weight”

Someone inadvertently hinted to Zhanna that it was time for her to lose ten kilograms. The woman came upset, sad, crying. Without explaining anything to her family, she closed herself in the kitchen and began to prepare her favorite chocolate donuts to calm her sadness. She always did that when she was in trouble.

Three hours have passed. Zhanna Eduardovna never left the kitchen. The husband and four-year-old son, seriously worried about the fate of the woman, nevertheless decided to approach her. The mother-wife slowly ate the burnt doughnuts. Next to her lay a piece of paper on which the following was written in large letters: “I want to force myself not to eat anything in order to lose weight!”. The boy, having clarified with his father what was written, went to his room and did not listen to adult conversations.

The next day, the mother of the family returned from work just as sad. Remembering that she needed to cook something for dinner, she went to the refrigerator. Suddenly, four-year-old Vitalik ran in, unplugged the refrigerator and ran away.

Why did you do this? Jeanne asked in surprise.

So that the food spoils, and you change your mind about eating them! - the son proudly answered his mother.

Just think about it! The kid turned out to be smarter than thousands of adult ladies who did not know that their overweight problem was solved so easily!

Loneliness is a bad habit

A lonely woman was awakened by a persistent ringing at the door. She slowly went to open it, albeit with great reluctance.

Who is at the door? she asked in a sleepy voice.

Plumbers, mistress! Batteries came to feel!

The woman did not like the answer at all. She hoped that they would grope her! After all, she lacked male warmth! The woman grabbed a cigarette, a lighter, went to the door peephole and shouted loudly:

Feel your batteries! I will take care of mine!

Short funny stories

"Passenger from a fairy tale"

It was evening. There was a girl on the train, diligently solving crossword puzzles. A man sat next to her and watched her intently. Noticing that the fellow traveler's gaze was stuck on one of the questions, he politely asked:

Girl, can I help you with something?

What is the name of what helped Baba Yaga drive a vehicle? - answered the girl with a question.

Pomelo! The man replied without hesitation.

The girl looked at her “tip” in surprise and after three minutes asked:

How do you know?

I am a close relative of this grandmother! I know a lot about her!

Passengers who heard this phrase rolled with laughter. Each of them, most likely, presented himself as some kind of fairy-tale hero.

It's all the men's fault!

A husband and wife are walking through a hypermarket. The wife tells something inspired, and the husband does not pay any attention to her at all. The woman was hurt. She asked her faithful to appreciate her trick: she chose an empty place, accelerated, made a spectacular jump .... And it turned out to be bombarded with various goods. People began to run up, take pictures of the "acrobat", applaud her. And she, pushing in different directions everything that had fallen on her, tried to find a broken nail with rhinestones. Thus ended the unsuccessful jump over the shopping cart. It would be necessary to put a traffic controller in the middle of the trading floor! It will not be superfluous in stores either!

Real funny life stories

"Revenge of the Alarm Clock"

The woman returned from work three hours later than usual. Her only dream was to have a good sleep. She undressed, took off her pants (along with tights) and randomly placed them on the bottom shelf of the closet. Sveta took a shower and lay down in a cozy bed, breaking the tradition of tea drinking.

Morning came incredibly quickly, completely obeying the law of meanness. The tired woman, who for a few seconds hated the alarm clock, abruptly threw it at the next wall of the room. An inner voice made her get up and go to the bath. While getting ready, she decided to put on yesterday's trousers. The woman did not find the old tights, so she took out others so as not to waste time looking for things.

Svetlana put on her pants, not noticing at all that they were wearing the second pantyhose, drank coffee and ran to work. Luckily, she wasn't too late. And the day would have passed wonderfully, if not for one circumstance .... Yesterday's tights quietly got out of the trousers and began to "sweep" the floor, collecting papers and all sorts of rubbish. Colleagues saw this, but kept silent so as not to offend the employee. Ten minutes later, one of the colleagues gave out a ringing laugh. Light turned around. The colleague, continuing to laugh, approached Svetlana, picked up the “pantyhose train” from the floor and said with a smile: “You dropped it.” Now Svetlana does not wear these tights. She sewed a funny doll out of them, which every morning reminds her that the alarm clock must be treated with respect.

Funny Banana Wisdom

Two students collided in the corridor of the hostel. An interesting conversation began:

What were you frying in the kitchen yesterday? one of them asked, looking curiously into the eyes of the other.

Bananas! – happily answered the second.

Is there any point in frying them if they are already delicious?

Tell me honestly: I look so much like a monkey that I have to eat my favorite treat raw?!

About how the switch became an enemy

The newlyweds lay down in a luxurious bed and covered themselves with a large silk blanket.

I love you so much, my dear .... - the newly-made wife gently whispered.

And I you. Light….

What kind of Light am I to you? Olga shouted in frustration and hit her husband painfully on the cheek.

So, on the wedding night, a real marital misunderstanding was born .... The man only asked to turn off the light, which treacherously blinded them.