I got myself a man (friend's story). Be always open and active Got yourself a man 12.5 discoveries

12.5 discoveries, or I got myself a man

Discovery one: He is.

Discovery two: He constantly wanted to eat! Coffee and tangerine did not suit him. Foods I hated before appeared in the house: butter, lard, sugar, vodka, pasta. The rating of mayonnaise skyrocketed. In women's magazines, I began to pay attention to culinary recipes. And the eternal question "What to cook for dinner?" tormented me worse than Hamlet's. something fried, boiled, grated and tasted. I gained three kilos. Beloved was fit, cheerful and always ready to eat. When he says "We have anything delicious?" climbed into the refrigerator five minutes after dinner, I wanted to give him a kick from behind !!! And slam the door. I began to dream that packages with the inscription: "Men's food. 10 kg" would appear on store shelves. Bought and the day is free ...

Discovery three: He hid his socks. I hope not from me. The fact that he wore them, of course, was no secret to me. The light of my eyes never wrapped footcloths around my feet, and I never walked barefoot. He enjoyedtextile and hosierythe blessings of civilization, but... When he came home from work, he first of all looked for more secluded places and there, like a chipmunk in a stash, he hid them, having previously rolled them up in the form of compact squiggles. And no suggestions could force him to attribute these? snails? at least to the bathroom. With maniacal persistence, my man parked his socks under the sofa, under the armchair and, it seems, was ready to tear off the baseboards in order to save his treasures.

Discovery Four: He makes a will every time he has a toothache or a runny nose. He moaned and groaned like a wounded buffalo. He gasped at the word "polyclinic" and appealed to my mercy. He demanded to finish him off in order to save him from inhuman suffering. Holding my hand, he gratefully advised me to paint an old Opel before selling it. And, like a real man, holding back sobs on his deathbed, he said goodbye with things dear to his heart: music discs, a mobile phone and a newspaper Sport Express .
Fifth discovery: He knew how to be silent. He could sit in front of the TV all evening and not utter a word. Give him will-it , who knows two languages and has a higher education, would limit communication with me to three phrases: "Good morning", "What are we having for dinner, darling?" and “Come to me…” In fairness, it should be noted that his communication with his mother or telephone conversations with friends also did not differ in particular eloquence. And his relationship with his best friend was based on watching football matches together and making succinct comments:
-Pass! Pas, I said... Well shit!... Vit, give me a beer...
Discovery sixth: knowing how to be silent, he could not stand silence. I have not figured out this paradox yet. Not only did he touch the music center more often than me, he practically never left the TV, switching channels at the speed of light. From beginning to end, my loved one watched only news and sports programs. The rest of the time he clicked the remote control. The pictures on the TV flickered like in a terrible kaleidoscope. My head was spinning. And God forbid to stand on the line between the TV and it. A sharp diplomatic demarche immediately followed: "Get off the screen!"
Discovery Seven: He jealously guarded his territory. His possessions were considered: a place for table-one and favorite chair-two . Even the guests could not sit on his stool in the kitchen. And the poor cat flew out of the easy chair like a bullet, barely hearing the familiar heavy step. I didn't break any boundaries. Women's intuition told me that it was better not to encroach on the male throne, his sacred mug and sovereign slippers. But you can hide the hated dumbbells. Or even hand them in scrap metal is mine the precious athlete is unlikely to notice the loss.
Opening eighth: supervision and control.
-Who did you talk to on the phone?... Who is this bespectacled man in the photo... Where were you from four to five... Where did you get these earrings?
-With a friend. My brother. In the hairdresser's. You gave...
Discovery ninth: I could no longer lie in a fragrant bath for hours. My ninety-pound bunny tried to break into the room. Now he urgently needed a toothbrush, then there was a need to inspect the current tap for two months. Then he was interested in whether he could fit next to me and how much water our bodies would draw out at the same time according to the law of Archimedes. Then he was just bored alone, and he whimpered under the door. But it only cost meget out-compassionateimmediately returned to his seat, contentedly.
“Hey, what about the law of Archimedes?” I asked.
“I’ll take a shower,” the darling reported, and stuck his nose into the newspaper.
The tenth discovery: he grew stubble. Of course, she grew up to our, let's say, old-fashioned, cohabitation. But before, my hero came on a date clean-shaven, and now I watched him almost around the clock ... My skin began to peel off on my face.
Opening eleventh: he did not remember our holiday dates!!! At all!!! Amnesia! Selective memory lapses. He remembered Bastille Day, the day of the technical inspection, and the day he left for the army, but the date of my birth could not be fixed in any of his hemispheres. However, he would have missed even the New Year, if not for the widespread hype.
-Aunts with Christmas trees appeared on the streets. It's time to buy champagne, he made thoughtful conclusions.
Discovery twelfth: It turned out to be terribly impractical. He did not know how to plan our budget. After leaving for food, he brought five bottles of beer, a bag of chips and a glass of ice cream. He was embarrassed to take change. I didn't know how to bargain in the market. I bought everything that cunning sellers sold him. And once, instead of potatoes, he brought roses. I just sighed.
“I love you,” he said, holding out the flowers.
Opening twelve and a half: He loves me ...

I got myself a man. For the first time in my life. All my friends already had them, but I somehow managed. No, of course, I knew men at different times, but they all existed outside my apartment, appearing in it only sporadically. But once...

In the morning I went to the toilet and saw that the toilet seat was up. Thus began a new era in my life. A man has settled in the house. Although at first I thought it would not take root: they are capricious ...

First of all, he said that since we decided to live together, then using a condom is now simply inhumane. True, he did not specify - in relation to whom. Three options came up. Beloved, it seems, was only interested in him alone. It didn't suit me. I accused him of selfishness and carelessness. He advised me to buy a vibrator. I reminded that we live in the era of AIDS. He said he wasn't like that. I twisted my finger at my temple. He stuffed the ties into the suitcase. I smiled wryly. He slammed the door. I dyed my hair.

He opened with his key.

- I barely made it before the pharmacy closed. Here, - held out a thin package. - Were you a redhead?

So we started living together. Returning home in the evening, I was no longer frightened if I saw light in my own windows. And she no longer spoke into the phone: "You're in the wrong place," if someone said his name. On top of that, my pillow smelled of his cologne. The beloved snored at night, pulled the blanket over himself - the blanket fell to the floor. Neither to himself, nor to people ... He read Marinin in the toilet, and then shouted through the crack:

- Paper!

- Tear out the first chapter! And so I don’t see this rubbish in the house anymore! ..

And on a visit he quoted Kant. And every day he stepped on the cat's tail and assured him every day that it was by accident. He taught me to navigate by the stars, he dared me away from my friends' house. For some reason, he gave me an inflatable boat, he was shy in front of my mother:

- Svetlana Alekseevna ...

- Svetlana Alexandrovna, - for the umpteenth time my mother frowned.

He woke me up at night with kisses, washing himself, snorting. He spattered the bathroom mirror with toothpaste, gave me strawberries in the winter. In short, he was irresistible.

A music center and dumbbells appeared in my house. Music played from morning to evening. The dumbbells didn't work. Vacuuming the carpet, I had to rearrange them every time from place to place. The guests kept bumping into them. Neighbor Katya said that "these pieces of iron" spoil the aesthetic appearance of the living room. Unable to stand it, I offered to put this phallic symbol in the pantry. Beloved was inflamed with righteous anger. He reminded me that a healthy mind exists only in a healthy body. And in general, it turns out that he has already looked after a suitable barbell in Sporting Goods.

- Biceps need to be pumped ... - he confidentially informed me.

But now I always had shaving foam on hand. In addition, I could fully participate in the conversations of my friends on the topic “And mine was yesterday”:

a) played computer games until morning,
b) spent the whole day lying under the car,
c) ate a week's supply of cutlets,
d) broke a cup and replaced a burnt out light bulb,
e) smoked again in the toilet,
e) said that serials are dulling,
g) watched boxing all evening,
h) hid my phone book,
i) ... a bastard and a bloodsucker.

In short, living together with a man brought a lot of discoveries. Pleasant and not so pleasant.

Opening the first: he is.

Opening second: He constantly wanted to eat!

Coffee and tangerine for breakfast did not suit him. Foods I hated before appeared in the house: butter, lard, sugar, vodka, pasta. The rating of mayonnaise skyrocketed. In women's magazines, I began to pay attention to culinary recipes. And the eternal question “What to cook for dinner?” tormented me worse than Hamlet's. I got wild. I non-stop fried, boiled, grated and tasted something. I gained three kilos. Beloved was smart, cheerful and always ready to eat. When he with the phrase "Do we have anything tasty?" climbed into the refrigerator five minutes after dinner, I wanted to give him a kick from behind! And slam the door. I began to dream that packages with the inscription: “Men's food. 10 kg. Bought - and the day is free ...

Opening third: he hid his socks.

I hope not from me. The fact that he wore them, of course, was no secret to me. The light of my eyes never wrapped footcloths around my feet and never walked barefoot. He used textile-hosiery and the benefits of civilization, but ... Coming home from work, he first of all looked for more secluded places and there, like a chipmunk in a stash, he hid them, having previously folded them in the form of compact squiggles. And no suggestions could force him to take these "snails" at least to the bathroom. With maniacal persistence, my man parked his socks under the sofa, under the armchair and, it seems, was ready to tear off the baseboards in order to bury his treasures there.

Fourth opening: He made a will every time he had a toothache or a runny nose.

He moaned and groaned like a wounded buffalo. He gasped at the word "polyclinic" and appealed to my mercy. He demanded to finish him off in order to save him from inhuman suffering. Holding my hand, he nobly advised me to paint an old Opel before selling it. And, like a real man, holding back sobs on his deathbed, he said goodbye to things dear to his heart: music discs, a mobile phone and the Sport Express newspaper.

Fifth discovery: He knew how to be silent.

He could sit in front of the TV screen all evening and not utter a single word. Give him free rein - he, who knows two languages \u200b\u200band has a higher education, would limit communication with me to three phrases: “Good morning, dear,” “What are we having for dinner, my love?” and “Come to me…” In fairness, it should be noted that his communication with his mother or telephone conversations with friends also did not differ in particular eloquence. And his relationship with his best friend was based on watching football matches together and making succinct comments:

- Pass! Paz, I said! .. Well, shit! .. Vit, give me a beer ...

opening six: knowing how to be silent, he could not stand the silence.

I have not figured out this paradox yet. Not only did he touch the music center more often than me, he almost never left the TV, switching channels at the speed of light. From beginning to end, my loved one watched only news and sports programs. The rest of the time he clicked the remote control. Pictures on the TV flashed like in a terrible kaleidoscope. My head was spinning. And God forbid to stand on the line between him and the TV. A sharp diplomatic demarche followed immediately:

- Get off the screen!

Opening seventh: He jealously guarded his territory.

His possessions were considered: a place at the table - once and a favorite chair - two. Even the guests could not sit on his stool in the kitchen. And the poor cat flew out of the easy chair like a bullet, barely hearing the familiar heavy tread.

I didn't break any boundaries. Women's intuition told me that it was better not to encroach on the male throne, his sacred mug and sovereign slippers. But you can hide the hated dumbbells. Or even sell them for scrap - my precious athlete is unlikely to notice the loss.

Eighth opening: supervision and control.

- Who did you talk to on the phone? .. Who is this bespectacled man in the photo? .. Where were you from four to five? .. Where did you get these earrings? ..

- With a friend. My brother. At the hairdresser. You gave...

Opening ninth: I could no longer lie in a fragrant bath for hours.

“I suffer from a lack of communication!”

But as soon as I left, the sufferer immediately returned to his chair with satisfaction.

“Hey, what about the law of Archimedes?” I asked.

“I’ll take a shower,” the darling said, and stuck his nose into the newspaper.

Tenth opening: He grew stubble.

She grew up, of course, even before our, let's say old-fashioned, cohabitation. But before, my hero came on dates clean-shaven, and now I watched him almost around the clock ... My skin began to peel off on my face.

Opening eleventh: he didn't remember our holiday dates!!!

At all. Amnesia. Selective memory lapses. He remembered Bastille Day, the day of the technical inspection, and the day he left for the army, but the date of my birth could not be fixed in any of his hemispheres. However, he would have missed even the New Year, if not for the widespread hype.

- Aunts with Christmas trees appeared on the streets. It's time to buy champagne, - he made thoughtful conclusions.

Opening twelfth: he was terribly impractical.

He didn't know how to budget. After leaving for food, he brought five bottles of beer, a bag of chips and a glass of ice cream. He was embarrassed to take change. I didn't know how to bargain in the market. He bought everything that cunning grandmothers sold him. And once, instead of potatoes, he brought roses. I just sighed.

“I love you,” he said, holding out the flowers.

Opening twelfth and a half: he loves me…

In general, life with a man is like playing chess. Continuous blitz with not quite clear rules.

So the horse doesn't walk.
- Silly ... And how do you think the horse walks?
- The letter "Gy" ...
- Let the neighbor use the letter "Gee". And I'll go like this...
Since when are the new rules?
- Since the last minute ... I said. Go darling...

But once...

First of all, he said that since we decided to live together, then using a condom is now simply inhumane. True, he did not specify - in relation to whom. Three options came up. Beloved, it seems, was only interested in him alone. It didn't suit me. I accused him of selfishness and carelessness. He advised me to buy a vibrator. I reminded that we live in the age of AIDS. He said he wasn't like that. I twisted my finger at my temple. He stuffed the ties into the suitcase. I smiled wryly. He slammed the door. I dyed my hair.

He opened with his key.

I barely made it before the pharmacy closed. Here," he held out a thin package.
- Were you a redhead?

So we started living together. Returning home in the evening, I was no longer frightened if I saw light in my own windows. And she no longer spoke into the phone: "You're in the wrong place," if someone said his name. On top of that, my pillow smelled of his cologne. Beloved snored at night, pulled the blanket over himself, the blanket fell to the floor. Neither to himself, nor to people... He read Marinin in the toilet, and then shouted through the crack:

Paper!
- Tear out the first chapter! And so I don’t see this rubbish in the house anymore! ..
And on a visit he quoted Kant. And every day he stepped on the cat's tail and assured him every day that it was by accident. He taught me to navigate by the stars, he dared me away from my friends' house. For some reason, he gave me an inflatable boat, he was shy in front of my mother:

Svetlana Alekseevna...
- Svetlana Alexandrovna, - for the umpteenth time my mother frowned.

He woke me up at night with kisses, washing himself, snorting. He spattered the bathroom mirror with toothpaste, gave me strawberries in the winter. In short, he was irresistible.
A music center and dumbbells appeared in my house. Music played from morning to evening. The dumbbells didn't work. Vacuuming the carpet, I had to rearrange them every time from place to place. The guests kept bumping into them.

Neighbor Katya said that "these pieces of iron" spoil the aesthetic appearance of the living room. Unable to stand it, I offered to put this phallic symbol in the pantry.

Beloved was inflamed with righteous anger. He reminded me that a healthy mind exists only in a healthy body. And in general, it turns out that he has already looked after a suitable barbell in "Sports Goods".

Biceps need to be pumped ... - he told me confidentially.

But now I always had shaving foam on hand. In addition, I could fully participate in the conversations of my friends on the topic "And mine was yesterday":

A) played computer games until morning,
b) spent the whole day lying under the car,
c) ate a week's supply of cutlets,
d) broke a cup and replaced a burnt out light bulb,
e) smoked again in the toilet,
e) said that serials are dulling,
g) watched boxing all evening,
h) hid my phone book,
i) ... a bastard and a bloodsucker.

In short, living together with a man brought a lot of discoveries. Pleasant and not so pleasant.

Discovery one: he is.
The second discovery: he constantly wanted to eat!

Coffee and tangerine for breakfast did not suit him. Foods I hated before appeared in the house: butter, lard, sugar, vodka, pasta.

The rating of mayonnaise skyrocketed. In women's magazines, I began to pay attention to culinary recipes. And the eternal question "What to cook for dinner?" tormented me worse than Hamlet's. I got wild. I non-stop fried, boiled, grated and tasted something. I gained three kilos.

Beloved was full, cheerful and always ready to eat. When he with the phrase "We have something tasty"? climbed into the refrigerator five minutes after dinner, I wanted to give him a kick from behind! And slam the door. I began to dream that packages with the inscription: "Men's food. 10 kg" would appear on the shelves of stores.

Bought - and the day is free ...

Discovery three: he hid his socks.

I hope not from me. The fact that he wore them, of course, was no secret to me. The light of my eyes never wrapped footcloths around my feet and never walked barefoot. He enjoyed the textile and hosiery benefits of civilization, but...

When he came home from work, the first thing he did was look for more secluded places and there, like a chipmunk in a stash, he hid them, having first rolled them up in the form of compact squiggles. And no suggestions could force him to take these "snails" at least to the bathroom. With maniacal persistence, my man parked his socks under the sofa, under the armchair and, it seems, was ready to tear off the baseboards in order to bury his treasures there.

The fourth discovery: he made a will every time he had a toothache or a runny nose. He moaned and groaned like a wounded buffalo. He gasped at the word "polyclinic" and appealed to my mercy.

He demanded to finish him off in order to save him from inhuman suffering. Holding my hand, he nobly advised to paint an old Opel before selling. And, like a real man, holding back sobs on his deathbed, he said goodbye to things dear to his heart: music discs, a mobile phone and the Sport Express newspaper.

Fifth discovery: he knew how to keep silent.
He could sit all evening in front of the TV screen and not utter a single word. Give him free rein - he, who knows two languages and has a higher education, would limit communication with me to three phrases: "Good morning, dear," "What are we having for dinner, my love?" and "Come to me..."

In fairness, it should be noted that his communication with his mother or telephone conversations with friends also did not differ in special eloquence. And his relationship with his best friend was based on watching football matches together and making succinct comments:

Pass! Paz, I said! .. Well, you asshole! .. Vit, give me a beer ...

Discovery sixth: knowing how to be silent, he could not stand silence.

I have not figured out this paradox yet. Not only did he touch the music center more often than me, he almost never left the TV, switching channels at the speed of light. From beginning to end, my loved one watched only news and sports programs. The rest of the time he clicked the remote control. The pictures on the TV flickered like in a terrible kaleidoscope. My head was spinning. And God forbid to stand on the line between him and the TV. A sharp diplomatic demarche followed immediately:

Get off the screen!

The seventh discovery: he jealously guarded his territory.

His possessions were considered: a place at the table - once, and a favorite chair - two.
Even the guests could not sit on his stool in the kitchen. And the poor cat flew out of the easy chair like a bullet, barely hearing the familiar heavy tread.

Opening eighth: supervision and control.

Who did you talk to on the phone?.. Who is this bespectacled man in the photo?.. Where were you from four to five?.. Where did you get these earrings?..

With a friend. My brother. At the hairdresser. You gave...

The ninth discovery: I could no longer lie in a fragrant bath for hours.

I suffer from lack of communication!
But as soon as I left, the sufferer immediately returned to his chair with satisfaction.

Hey, what about the law of Archimedes? I asked.

I'll take a shower, - said the darling and stuck his nose into the newspaper.

The tenth discovery: he grew stubble.

Opening eleventh: he did not remember our holiday dates!!!

However, he would have missed even the New Year, if not for the widespread hype.

Aunts with Christmas trees appeared on the streets. It's time to buy champagne, he drew thoughtful conclusions.

Discovery twelfth: it turned out to be terribly impractical.

He did not know how to plan our budget. After leaving for food, he brought five bottles of beer, a bag of chips and a glass of ice cream. He was embarrassed to take change. I didn't know how to bargain in the market. He bought everything that cunning grandmothers sold him. And once, instead of potatoes, he brought roses. I just sighed.

I love you,” he said, holding out the flowers.

Opening twelfth and a half: he loves me...

In general, life with a man is like playing chess. Continuous blitz with not quite clear rules.

So the horse does not walk.

Silly... How do you think a horse walks?

The letter "Ge" ...

Let the neighbor walk with the letter "Ge". And I'll go like this...

Since when are the new rules?

Since last minute... I said. Go, love...

Perhaps the most amusing discoveries of a young girl who once got herself a man ... This masterpiece is worth reading!

Once I got myself a man...

For the first time in my life. All my friends already had them, but I somehow managed. No, of course, I knew men at different times, but they all existed outside my apartment, appearing in it only sporadically.

But once...

In the morning I went to the toilet and saw that the toilet seat was up. Thus began a new era in my life. A man has settled in the house. Although at first I thought it would not take root: they are capricious ...

So we started living together. Returning home in the evening, I was no longer frightened if I saw light in my own windows. And she no longer spoke into the telephone receiver: “You are in the wrong place,” if someone said his name. On top of that, my pillow smelled of his cologne. Beloved snored at night, pulled the blanket over himself, the blanket fell to the floor. Neither myself nor the people ...

On a visit, he quoted Kant. And every day he stepped on the cat's tail and assured him every day that it was by accident. He taught me to navigate by the stars, he dared me away from my friends' house. For some reason, he gave me an inflatable boat, he was shy in front of my mother:
- Svetlana Alekseevna.
- Svetlana Alexandrovna, - for the umpteenth time my mother frowned.

He woke me up at night with kisses, washing himself, snorting. He spattered the bathroom mirror with toothpaste, gave me strawberries in the winter. In short, he was irresistible.

A music center and dumbbells appeared in my house. Music played from morning to evening.

The dumbbells didn't work. Vacuuming the carpet, I had to rearrange them every time from place to place. The guests kept bumping into them.

Neighbor Katya said that “these pieces of iron” spoil the aesthetic appearance of the living room. Unable to stand it, I offered to put this phallic symbol in the pantry.

Biceps need to be pumped ... - he confidentially told me.

But now I always had shaving foam on hand. In addition, I could fully participate in the conversations of my friends on the topic: “And mine was yesterday”:

a) played computer games until morning,
b) spent the whole day lying under the car,
c) ate a week's supply of cutlets,
d) broke a cup and replaced a burnt out light bulb
e) smoked again in the toilet,
e) said that serials are dulling,
g) watched boxing all evening,
h) hid my phone book,
i) ... a bastard and a bloodsucker.

In short, living together with a man brought a lot of discoveries.

Pleasant and not so pleasant.

1. First discovery: he is.

2. The second discovery: he constantly wants to eat!

Coffee and tangerine for breakfast did not suit him. Foods I hated before appeared in the house: butter, lard, sugar, vodka, pasta. The rating of mayonnaise skyrocketed. In women's magazines, I began to pay attention to culinary recipes. And the eternal question “What to cook for dinner?” tormented me worse than Hamlet's. I got wild. I non-stop fried, boiled, grated and tasted something. I gained three kilos. Beloved was smart, cheerful and always ready to eat. When he with the phrase “Do we have something tasty?” climbed into the refrigerator five minutes after dinner, I wanted to give him a kick from behind! And slam the door. I began to dream that packages with the inscription: “Men's food. 10 kg”.
Bought - and the day is free ...

3. The third discovery: he hid his socks.

I hope not from me. The fact that he wore them, of course, was no secret to me. The light of my eyes never wrapped footcloths around my feet and never walked barefoot. He used the textile and hosiery benefits of civilization, but ... Coming home from work, he first of all looked for more secluded places and there, like a chipmunk in a stash, he hid them, having previously folded them in the form of compact squiggles. And no suggestions could force him to take these “snails” at least to the bathroom. With maniacal persistence, my man parked his socks under the sofa, under the armchair and, it seems, was ready to tear off the baseboards in order to bury his treasures there.

4. Fourth discovery: he made a will every time he had a toothache or a runny nose.

5. Fifth discovery: he knew how to keep silent.

He could sit in front of the TV screen all evening and not utter a single word. If he were free, he, who knows two languages and has a higher education, would limit communication with me to three phrases: “Good morning, dear”, “What are we having for dinner, darling?” and “Come to me…”

6. The sixth discovery: knowing how to be silent, he could not stand silence.

I have not figured out this paradox yet. Not only did he touch the music center more often than me, he almost never left the TV, switching channels at the speed of light. From beginning to end, my loved one watched only news and sports programs. The rest of the time he clicked the remote control. The pictures on the TV flickered like in a terrible kaleidoscope. My head was spinning. And God forbid to stand on the line between him and the TV. A sharp diplomatic demarche immediately followed: - Get off the screen!

7. Discovery seventh: he jealously guarded his territory.

His possessions were considered: a place at the table - once and a favorite chair or two. Even the guests could not sit on his stool in the kitchen. And the poor cat flew out of the easy chair like a bullet, barely hearing the familiar heavy tread. I didn't break any boundaries. Women's intuition told me that it was better not to encroach on the male throne, his sacred mug and sovereign slippers. But you can hide the hated dumbbells. Or even sell them for scrap - my precious athlete is unlikely to notice the loss.

8. Discovery eighth: supervision and control.

Who did you talk to on the phone? .. Who is this bespectacled man in the photo? ..
Where were you from four to five?.. Where did you get those earrings?..
- With a friend. My brother. At the hairdresser****. You gave...

9. Discovery ninth: I could no longer lie in a fragrant bath for hours.

My ninety-kilogram bunny tried to break into the room. He urgently needed a toothbrush. Then there was an urgent need to inspect the current crane for two months. Then he was interested in whether he would fit next to me and how much water our bodies would displace at the same time according to the law of Archimedes. Then he was simply bored alone, and he whimpered under the door, appealing to my conscience:
- I suffer from a lack of communication! But as soon as I left, the sufferer immediately returned to his chair with satisfaction.
- Hey, what about the law of Archimedes? I asked.
- I'll take a shower, - the darling reported and stuck his nose into the newspaper.

10. Discovery tenth: he grew bristles.

11. Opening the eleventh: he did not remember our holiday dates!!! At all.

Amnesia. Selective memory lapses. He remembered Bastille Day, the day of the technical inspection, and the day he left for the army, but the date of my birth could not be fixed in any of his hemispheres.
However, he would have missed even the New Year, if not for the widespread hype.
- Aunts with Christmas trees appeared on the streets. It's time to buy champagne, - he made thoughtful conclusions.

12. Discovery twelfth: he turned out to be terribly impractical.

12.5. Opening twelfth half: he loves me ...

In general, life with a man is like a game of chess. Continuous blitz with not quite clear rules.
- So the horse does not walk.
- Silly ... And how do you think the horse walks?
- A letter? Gee?…
- Let it be a neighbor with a letter? Gee? walks. And I'll go like this...
Since when are the new rules?
- Since the last minute... I said. Go darling...

12.5 DISCOVERIES
I got myself a man.
For the first time in my life. All my friends already had them, but I somehow managed.
No, of course, I had familiar men at different times, but they all
existed outside my apartment, appearing in it only
episodically. But once...
In the morning I went to the toilet and saw that the toilet seat was up. So
a new era in my life began. A man has settled in the house. Although at first I
I thought he would not take root: they are capricious ...
First of all, he said that since we decided to live together, then
using a condom is now just inhumane. True, he did not specify -
towards whom. Three options came up. Beloved, it seems
he was the only one interested. It didn't suit me. I accused him of
selfishness and carelessness. He advised me to buy a vibrator. I reminded that
we live in the age of AIDS. He said he wasn't like that. I twisted my finger
at the temple He stuffed the ties into the suitcase. I smiled wryly. He slammed
door. I dyed my hair.
He opened with his key.
- I barely made it before the pharmacy closed. Here, - held out a brand new package. - A
were you a redhead?
So we started living together. Returning home in the evening, I no longer
she was frightened if she saw light in her own windows. And she didn't speak anymore
handset:
"You're in the wrong place" if someone said his name. To all other
my pillow smelled of his cologne. Beloved snored at night, pulled on
a blanket - a blanket fell to the floor. Neither to himself nor to people ... He read in
toilet to Marinin, and then shouted through the crack:
- Paper!
- Tear out the first chapter! And so I don’t see this rubbish in the house anymore! ..
And on a visit he quoted Kant. And every day he stepped on the cat's tail and
daily assured that it was by accident. taught me how to navigate
stars, dared from the house of my girlfriends. For some reason he gave me an inflatable
boat, shy in front of my mother:
- Svetlana Alekseevna ...
- Svetlana Alexandrovna, - for the umpteenth time my mother frowned.
He woke me up at night with kisses, washing himself, snorting. splattered the mirror
in the bathroom with toothpaste, in winter he gave me strawberries. In short, he was
irresistible.
A music center and dumbbells appeared in my house. The music was playing in the morning
until the evening. The dumbbells didn't work. Vacuuming the carpet, I had to
rearrange them from place to place every time. The guests constantly ran into
on them.
Neighbor Katya said that "these pieces of iron" spoil the aesthetic appearance
living room. Unable to bear it, I proposed to remove this phallic symbol in
pantry. Beloved was inflamed with righteous anger. Reminds me that a healthy mind
happens only in a healthy body. And in general, it turns out, he already looked after
a suitable bar in "Sporting Goods".
- Biceps need to be pumped ... - he confidentially informed me.
But now I always had shaving foam on hand. Besides, I
could fully participate in the conversations of her friends on the topic "And my
yesterday": a) played computer games until morning, b) spent the whole day lying under
machine, c) ate a week's supply of cutlets, d) broke a cup and replaced
burned out light bulb, e) smoked again in the toilet, f) said that the series
stupefies, g) watched boxing all evening, h) hid my phone book,
i) ... a bastard and a bloodsucker.
In short, cohabitation with a man brought a lot
discoveries. Pleasant and not so pleasant.
Discovery one: he is.
The second discovery: he constantly wanted to eat!
Coffee and tangerine for breakfast did not suit him. appeared in the house
foods I hated before: butter, lard, sugar, vodka,
pasta. The rating of mayonnaise skyrocketed. In women's magazines I became
pay attention to recipes. And the eternal question "What
cook for dinner?" tormented me worse than Hamlet's.
non-stop something fried, boiled, grated and tasted. I got better
three kilos. Beloved was smart, cheerful and always ready to eat.
When he with the phrase "We have something tasty"? climb into the refrigerator
five minutes after dinner, I wanted to give him a kick from behind! AND
slam the door. I began to dream that on the shelves of stores
packages appeared with the inscription: "Men's food. 10 kg." Bought - and the day
free...