If a teenager skips school, psychologist's advice. Why is the child skipping school? Adolescence. The cause of fatigue sometimes lies in the heart

What to do if a child who has grown up to secondary school, hereinafter referred to as a teenager, suddenly begins to demonstrate complete incompatibility with this school and ignores all our pedagogical attempts or meets with hostility? Is it possible in some way to return decent grades to his diary, and to himself - the desire to learn? Where did the obedient and quite diligent child go? What's happening?

In principle, we are all well-read parents today. We know that adolescence is a difficult time in a child's life, that you need to allow him to be independent, choose his own friends, decide for himself what to eat for dinner, what to wear, what to watch ... “Yes, let him wear anything and even eat nothing at all,” Anna, the mother of 13-year-old Gleb, explodes, “only I won’t let him throw school! After all, he completely lost his fear, fool ... ". Gleb became an idiot not so long ago, just a year ago, when he went to the sixth grade. And before that, he was considered a normal schoolboy, studied for fours and fives, and his parents were sure: the closer to high school, the less problems there should be. After all, so much effort has been invested, and the school is expensive, and the motivation of a maturing person should grow!

However, in reality, this is what happened: from the very first months of the school year, Gleb picked up Cs, by the end of the semester, deuces began to slip, and, despite the terrible scandals at home, control, lectures and sanctions, it was not possible to pull the guy out of the swamp into which he plunged. managed. The most offensive thing was history and English - my favorite subjects before.

At first, parental suggestions on the teenager worked well: he repented, sat down at textbooks and studied diligently for several days. Then, as my mother says, I "became impudent." The diary stopped filling in (the indignant entries of teachers do not count), notebooks were “lost”, homework “did not work” every day. Anya was speechless from indignation, and Gleb was sitting at the computer in headphones, playing a network game with friends and muttering: “We got it already with our school…”. Over the summer, everyone rested from school, and now the seventh grade begins, and mom is nervous in advance, dad is threatening, only the son is calm: "I'll learn, don't worry".

Another family: 14-year-old Nastya, the winner of various school competitions, a beauty and an excellent student - and again a similar story. The last two classes are like in a dream. The child naturally does not understand that they go to school to study, and not to communicate with friends and not hang around at the rehearsals of the school ensemble. Evening calls to the home phone for parents have long been a punishment: the responsible class teacher regularly sounds the alarm - let's save the best student! She was replaced, she blossomed, she only has boys on her mind ... Mom and dad agree to save, but how? How to make learning?

No way. Don't force. There are no recipes. All adolescent psychologists say this in unison. Parents regularly torment them with questions about studying in high school. Because everyone has the same thing: until the 6th grade, the child studied normally, and then he rolled down ... And mom and dad start to have psychosis: what will happen next? How about graduating classes? Disappointment in the child is complete, the future brings melancholy.

And it would be completely bad if it were not for a strange coincidence: after all, it’s like that for everyone, not only for us, why?

Teen wants to learn!

There is such a myth that a teenager does not want to study. It is not true. A teenager absorbs information like a sponge, he learns and grows - but not in the subjects that are taught at school. Nevertheless, now he comprehends two extremely important sciences, perhaps the main ones for a person: he learns to understand himself and understand others. This is the main task of adolescence, and if mom and dad are not ready to admit it, it's bad. Because, as you know, you can’t go against nature, and nature has arranged everything in such a way that right now a person recognizes himself as a person and masters ways of living in a team. How to behave in different situations, how to react to different people, how to arouse sympathy for yourself, how to get out of conflict situations and build your self-esteem. As they say, feel the scale: the psychological foundation of all adult life - and three paragraphs on history ...

Usually, at this point, parents object: three paragraphs on history will add up to the professional future of the child. Without today’s paragraphs, you won’t understand tomorrow’s, you’ll miss the day after tomorrow - and goodbye, the Unified State Examination, and at the same time entering a good university and brilliant career prospects. There is only one argument against this objection: imagine a house without a foundation. Can you live in it? School knowledge can be learned and systematized in the most beautiful way, however, communication and self-realization lessons that are not mastered in time simply will not allow this knowledge to work. Or at least they'll be a big nuisance. The basics of successful communication, self-confidence - this is what should be the most valuable result of this difficult period, high school.

What will it lead to

Now we have the main thing: understanding why everything is happening this way. It is already possible to relax a little: your child has not become lazy and unrestrained, he simply directed all his cognitive powers to another area - moreover, to the one into which nature programmed. He's just acting normal for his age - isn't that great?

And then here's what. High school is an important stage of psychological preparation for high school. Successfully passed, this period of growing up will be a pass to older age. In the upper grades, interest in the team falls, and interest in oneself as an independent person, an individuality, increases. A teenager already knows himself, is confident in his merits, evaluates himself adequately and can look into the future like an adult - evaluating possible prospects, chances of success in a particular business. When you know yourself well, it’s easier to realize what you really want from life, it’s easier to turn it into a goal, build a plan to achieve it, and most importantly, find resources to implement it. Motivation cannot be brought in from the outside, it always comes only from within - unless, of course, we are talking about a person.

Most teenagers in the senior classes of their own free will suddenly “take up their minds” and show interest in school subjects. Parents would have to relax here, but now they are worried that this interest is selective. Knowing where he will go and what to take, the high school student throws "unnecessary" items to him. And by the way, from the point of view of simple logic, he does exactly the right thing. The argument “school should be finished normally” is not an argument for him. He saves strength - primarily intellectual. And he treats his head with respect: in general, there is no point in littering it with dead knowledge. It is a pity that usually we, adults, allow only ourselves this privilege.

Other reasons

It is important to understand that this general, “general” reason why most children “sag” in secondary school may not be the only one. In any case, the child perceives this period as a difficult uphill climb, but it will be much harder to proceed if there are aggravating circumstances.

For example, a strong overload. It is now a common cause of aversion to learning. In elementary school, the child obediently follows the ambitions of his father and mother, allowing himself to be loaded with additional activities to the limit and without even thinking about it. And in high school, fatigue accumulates, and most importantly, strength and courage appear to resist parents. There is only one advice: remember common sense and correlate your ambitions and the strength of the child. He should have time to just run, play, lie on the couch, think. Doing homework before one in the morning makes no sense, except for a purely formal one.

Another reason is disappointment in teachers. Again, by this age, the child already takes off the pink children's glasses and sees us adults in all our unsightly glory. A person of 12-13 years old is no longer able to feel the authority of a teacher only because of his professional affiliation. If some subjects in your class are boring, get ready for the fact that these particular subjects will be unloved by the child. And the general style of presenting information in our schools for the most part leaves much to be desired. The broadcasting and instructive position of teachers still meets with a response in the lower grades, when the leading activity in children is educational. But at 5-6, the children are already different, but the teachers are not. Boring is not the word. Boring is when one-two-three-ten boring lessons. Now imagine a few years in such an atmosphere - do you want to study? In general, do not write off the mediocrity of the teacher for the laziness of the child. Not ready to change schools - get interested in this subject yourself, buy additional literature, organize excursions to thematic places - everything is in your hands. The child's interest in practical activities is on your side - now it is like air for him. Do not sit, listen, record and reproduce, but move, search, produce something interesting yourself.

The third reason is the most difficult. Because it's about family relationships. An exceptional case is when a child learns normally in an atmosphere of scandal and dislike. Basically, the most difficult difficulties of the transition period are related to the fact that the teenager actually does not have a family. There is no friendship, understanding, trust - in such conditions, anyone will lose their cognitive interest. Sometimes parents are sure that there is no connection between their small quarrels and their son's triplets. This can only be verified by establishing relationships with each other. By the way, very often a psychologist, who was contacted with a request about a child’s poor studies, is forced to first solve family-wide problems, because the root is precisely in them. And sometimes good grades come back as if by magic, although no special efforts were made for this.

In any case, if the child’s grades, as they say, “out of the blue” have deteriorated greatly, it is necessary to understand the reasons. It is best to do this with a psychologist - for the first time, even the presence of your teenager may not be necessary.

important age

The main advice that can be given to parents at this moment: be there and help quench the child’s age-related thirst for self-knowledge and communication with peers. Until she is satisfied, he really has no time for studying. What will help here? Books about modern teenagers who speak the same language with him and about things that are interesting to him. Stories about our own adolescence - about how strange and stupid we felt at their age, what stories happened to us, how we reacted to them, what we felt. To the best of your ability, take part in building relationships with peers - do not interfere with communication, do not forbid seeing and texting, and most importantly, do not denigrate your teenager's friends, because now he does not identify himself with you, but with peers, so everything that is against friends is about his own self-esteem. Communicating on the Internet is also necessary! Sit at the computer for a couple of evenings, help find resources where there is useful communication, where things that are important for teenagers are discussed. Invite his friends home, and it will be very cool if you help the whole company to get involved in something positive. Offer them a useful unifying beginning - at least cook soap (here you have chemistry in its most interesting, practical aspect). Remember, a teenager loves to learn! But something really interesting and of course - in the company.

Blog of Lyudmila Petranovskaya, a well-known Moscow psychologist. Lyudmila has been working with foster families for many years, but her advice is always relevant for parents of completely “self-made” children. After all, accepting your own teenager is no easier than accepting someone else's adopted. If your child's unwillingness to learn is manifested against the general background of "difficult" behavior - read Petranovskaya's book "How are you behaving?". It contains a lot of wise and actionable advice.

« Survival course for teenagers". Written in the late 80s of the last century and instantly became a cult book, the book is still read as a bestseller. The author, popular American rock musician Dee Snyder, has an honest conversation with teenagers about everything that worries them. The book is written with humor and plenty of examples from his own life. In addition, Snyder's friend, an adolescent psychologist, also had a hand in it, so all the advice given in the book is quite professional.

Natalya Rodikova (Natinka)

for the magazine Expensive pleasure»

Is it time to panic, is it possible to somehow get a teenager off the couch and how to behave to parents if the child does not think about the future and does not want to study, says family psychologist Ekaterina Burmistrova.

- Ahead - the 10th or even 11th grade, and the teenager lies, looks at the ceiling and says that he does not want anything, does not want to study, does not want to go anywhere. What could be the reasons?

Ekaterina Burmistrova

- There can be many reasons, and each situation must be dealt with separately. Adolescence is very unstable. Perhaps he was covered by unhappy love. Perhaps he did not cope with something, fills up the subject, and he needs a tutor.

If a teenager lies and looks at the ceiling not for one day, but for a week or more, you need to figure it out, find out the reason.

- But still, what are the main reasons that “I don’t want anything” is a fairly common phenomenon among teenagers?

- If we are talking about families with teenagers living in big cities, and about those who grow up with very attentive, motivated parents, very often teenagers do not want anything, because they simply do not have time to want. We, being afraid to miss something in their development, warn their desires. Especially educational desires and those related to hobbies. He still did not really have time to want, the desire had not yet fully matured, and once we realized everything.

For example, a child thinks about programming, thinks about a good computer, goes to classes for two years - this is one thing, and another - it was like a week, and by Sunday they bought a computer. The result may not be very valuable for a person due to the fact that it did not take much time to achieve it, and you cannot outwit it.

I'm not saying that you need to pickle every desire and then a good result will be guaranteed. But it also cannot be ignored.

Another point is that today a teenager has a very rich information environment - a lot of classes at school, a lot of extra classes. Accordingly, there may not be a desire just because nothing is needed anymore, there is too much of everything, to the point of overload.

The third is that growing up takes place in a fairly protected environment, without economic and social cataclysms. Therefore, children often grow up infantile. It’s not that they don’t want to do something, some kind of hobby, they generally don’t really want something. Their will is not developed, they are used to the fact that where you can not strain, it is better not to strain.

They carefully choose what suits them and what does not suit them, and are very oriented towards taking care of themselves. It seems to sound bad. But at the same time, it is precisely this ability, slightly directed in the other direction, that will give them the opportunity to give up the unnecessary: ​​this does not interest me; but I do not have this drive; but it's hard for me, it won't work for me. So there is a chance that they will still choose what they are really interested in.

The last reason, a very important one, is that a lot more teenagers have addiction to the Internet and social networks than we think. A person who has an addiction, sits all the time on the computer, on the phone, concentrates in that virtual world, everything else is much less interested. This is a separate conversation about the nature of addiction and how to deal with it, but this phenomenon is much more common than we think.

- Can parents tell if a child does not want anything because of some problems in upbringing or because he has depression?

– One of the signs of depression is just the lack of desire. If the child does not want anything, while he has other signs of depression, such as lethargy, constant fatigue, be sure to show him to a psychiatrist. Adolescent depression, alas, is a common phenomenon, and the reasons for their growth have not been established. They also talk about the increased study load, and about the same addiction, and about the fact that children do not move much. But the fact remains. So if you suspect depression, you need to go to a competent psychiatrist. If you go to a psychologist with this, the psychologist will not tell you if you have depression, this is not the competence of a psychologist, he will still send you to a psychiatrist.

Does not study, does not work - should I lock the refrigerator

- I read in one of the communities that raising a teenager from a couch and persuading him to do something without a scandal requires a lot of strength and emotion. This is true?

– I don’t understand at all about persuading in this sense. Why are persuasions and emotions required? Maybe there was an authoritarian parenting style, when mom decides too much, and the fact that a teenager is lying on the couch is resistance? Something needs to be changed in order to be able to start a dialogue. If you are leading a child by the hand and the child is 17 years old, you may of course encounter resistance.

A person after 14-15 years old either has his own motivation to do something, or not. If you don’t have your own motivation, you can’t start it manually through persuasion. This is an educational mistake.

If you persuade a teenager to go to a tutor or persuade him to help bring potatoes, then you have not moved to the next stage of the relationship, you are stuck in childhood. When he was little, he had to be persuaded to eat a spoonful of semolina, now persuasion continues.

- Sometimes, in response, rudeness is heard ...

“Of course it’s defensive. Because persuasion is not a working model. You persuade him, as if he is small, and he snaps. It seems to me that a teenager needs to be conveyed: we will not persuade you, you can ask us to pay for a tutor, but if you do not enter, we do not pay you for paid tuition. We don't feed you or give you water, you just go to work. This is called setting boundaries.

- Now, by the way, it has become a trend to let the child “search for himself” after school. How long can this be allowed?

- It seems to me that boundaries should be set immediately, perceiving a grown child as an independent person who must turn on his engine, perhaps make his own mistakes. But if there are no clearly defined boundaries, it will be difficult for him to make a choice.

Modern teenagers, fortunately raised in a fairly stable society, do not understand that simple ordinary life requires effort.

Both parents and the child need to understand from the very beginning that when he grows up, he will feed himself. That is, while the child is studying, he is financially supported; if he does not study, he is no longer supported.

- But if the parents did not immediately understand this, the child after school “searches for himself”, does not study and does not work, what should I do? Do not lock the refrigerator with a lock ...

- You can’t lock it up, but a grown child will not be able to go to the long-awaited festival, you won’t buy new sneakers for him, he won’t have a new device, you won’t pay for rest, entertainment.

It is better in advance, while the child is growing, without emotions to convey this thought to him: “When a person grows up, he continues to be a child for the family, but in fact he is no longer a child. On the rights of a child, he remains while he studies, receives an education. If this is not the case, then it means that you are the same as us, an adult, you will need to work in order to pay for transport, the Internet. Usually such calm conversations that are conducted with a child while he is still growing are very understandable and intelligible.

Today, many families come to the conclusion that modern pampered boys should go to the army, and only after that they come to their senses, understand the value and importance of studying ...

I know that the higher the material level of the family, the more often there are difficulties with motivation. Why should a child prepare, work, act, because if he does not go to the budget, he will go to pay? The family has money, he is used to having fun, he enjoys life.

– Summing up: can’t a teenager be persuaded to get up from the couch and start doing something? Then what should be done?

“It just doesn't work. Yes, the concerns and worries of parents are understandable. But if you treat appendicitis with cabbage leaves, there will be a feeling that we are doing something, but appendicitis will not go away from this. This is not the way to help. Persuasion, they are for preschoolers: for three-year-olds, four-year-olds - to attract attention, persuade, motivate. With teenagers, it's completely different. This is their life, their consciousness, their choices.

Parents also need to learn, find some intermediate option between “do what you want, we don’t need you” and “do as we said”, negotiate, set boundaries, but not at the critical moment of the relationship, but in advance, from the age of 13 -14.

If the child asks, he can and should be helped to find a tutor. It is possible and necessary to help organize a regime with which he will not burn out. But it is important that this is not only your initiative, but above all the child, and you are already picking up. So that he thinks: "I need to go to this institute, for this I am ready to do something." And not: "It was you who determined me, but I, so be it, agreed."

When we apply to a teenager what works with a preschooler, we make a big mistake and seriously damage the relationship. The main thing, as I said, is that it leads nowhere. We must learn to negotiate, as we do with adults.

At the age of 12-14, most parents are faced with the fact that a teenager does not want to study, cheats, and often misses classes. This situation is rather complicated, and it is necessary to deal with it comprehensively.

How to help your child get through difficult times

Important: parents should help, and not threaten or intimidate (this does not work on a teenager).

Assess the load. Perhaps your child studies 6-7 days a week, attends clubs, sports sections and simply does not have time to go to the movies or take a walk with friends in the yard? Or maybe you don’t care at all whether the child has the opportunity to communicate with peers. Naturally, under such a load. Important: by loading excess, you do not make the child feel good, you make the child feel bad.

Problems with peers. Often, for one reason or another, children may consider another to be an outcast or not like them. As a result, the teenager is offended and called names, because of this he skips. It is rather difficult to find out, since the child does not directly admit this.

Problems with teachers. Sometimes a child begins to "spread rot" some of the teachers. In this case, it is these lessons that the child skips.

Complete lack of control. Sometimes parents trust the child so much that they miss something important, and trust turns into complete laxity.

First love, excessive passion for computer games, dysfunctional family situation- popular causes of teenage rebellion.

What to do?

communicate on an equal footing - your child is already almost an adult, his problems are the center of the world for him, try to help him, but for this person you need to understand;

trust. If mom and dad scoff at the problems and failures of a primary school student, in adolescence you will not be able to find a common language. You need to work on relationships from childhood;

help with a problematic subject by hiring a tutor. Solve medical problems: glasses can be replaced with lenses, an overbite can be corrected by a dentist, and lameness can be corrected by an orthopedist. Try to solve problems realistically.

Important: transfer your child to another school, take him to a psychologist, threaten a teacher who is harassing a child - do everything you can!

I don't want to go to school!

At this time, parents naively hope that tight control, escort to school, “transfer” of a teenager “from the hands of mom-dad to the hands of the school”, all sorts of sanctions, threats, etc. will help.
But there comes a time when parents are forced to admit that their son (daughter) will not go to school, and they cannot do anything about it. Punishments from parents, sanctions from the school, commissions and other troubles are already useless.

And, although the subsequent course of events is a “going through the throes” of both the teenager and his parents, the further fate of the young man will not necessarily be determined by his relationship with the school. Life goes on. There are many examples of former truants getting a job, graduating from night school and even getting a higher education, making a career and happily arranging their lives.

Of course, this category of schoolchildren belongs to the social risk group, it is among them that there are more of those who never adapt to social requirements, do not finish school, do not get a good profession, and become unemployed.

But back to the moment when the problems are just beginning. Is it possible to notice the first signs of trouble in time (and it's a disaster if the child does not go to school)?
And if you notice them - is it possible to "lay straws", to prevent school maladaptation?
As in other serious cases, you cannot give one magic advice for everyone, but you need to understand each specific case. We will now consider one typical case, and in the future we will talk about others.

Case 1. "Lazy" or a child with an unstable character.

A 12 year old boy is in 6th grade. The parents are responsible, educated, the family is prosperous, there is an older sister, she graduates from school with good grades, and her brother is a student. Family relations are good.
From the 5th grade, the boy sometimes began to skip classes, but, thanks to the strictness of his parents, he nevertheless passed all the "tails" and moved to the 6th grade. In the 6th grade, things got worse, he began to deceive parents and teachers, absenteeism became regular.

Features of development in preschool age.
In early childhood, there were no special problems. The delivery was timely, but very fast. The child was born large, in the first year there was muscle spasticity, so he was given massage courses more than once. The sleep was restless, at night the child often changed positions, his legs often turned out to be on the pillow, he cried out in his sleep. He rarely slept during the day.

The boy developed well physically. The character is lively, active, sociable, inquisitive. At preschool age, he didn’t cause much trouble, except that he was distinguished by impatience, stubbornness, arguing for any reason, and stubbornness. It was difficult to put to sleep, falling asleep turned into a long struggle for the parents. In the morning, he most often got up “on the wrong foot”, was angry, showed negativism. But I went to kindergarten with pleasure, loved to play with children, and strove for leadership. Butin case of "infringement" of interests banger quickly arose, used force in anger, could hit with anything, shouted angrily, called names, did not obey the educators, and resisted. There were difficulties in accustoming to the rules and especially to order and accuracy.

But still, the child evoked sympathy from those around him with his liveliness, kindness, sociability, spontaneity, and emotionality. He preferred games “in society”, noisy, with screeching and wrestling. When he was left alone, toys did not inspire him - he wandered around the house, molested his mother, father: “well, play with me.”
He liked to have the same book read to him several times, quickly distracted from new books, lost interest, did not listen.

He was very fond of sweets, especially sweets, jam. On holidays, when there was no control, he ate himself to the point of nausea, to vomiting. If he was limited, sweets were hidden, he carefully searched, took without permission. If there was no sweet at home, he endlessly pestered his parents “give me candy”.
Before school and in primary school, he was engaged in wrestling, then football. The coaches praised, but made a remark - he breaks the rules, is lazy, does not like to “hone” techniques, is impulsive, impatient, gets very angry and pouts when he loses a game. Sometimes, after failures or comments, he refused to go to training. Several times already at school I began to go to different classes of interests: drawing, drumming, chess, theater - but interests changed each other, not capturing the child for a long time. Everything is a thing of the past, like football and karate.

School years
From the first grade, he does not differ in zeal for learning, but under the supervision of his parents, he studied quite well and moved from class to class with good results.
At school, in the classroom, he is more or less successfully included in the educational process, but is often distracted by pranks, games, conversations, and laughter. Estimates are quite motley - and fives, and triples, and ones. Often forgets notebooks, textbooks at home, loses school supplies, forgets to do or ignores homework. Makes promises easily but doesn't keep them. From time to time he takes "for the mind", starts life "again" and for some time he succeeds. Notebooks and textbooks are dirty and crumpled. Accuracy, order - remain an unattainable ideal. In elementary school, with the help of his parents, he did his homework, but more and more often he lied that, they say, the lessons were not assigned or he did them at school.
Teachers say: “Lazy - that's the whole conversation! A smart guy, if he wants to, he can study for 4 and 5, but laziness, irresponsibility and craving for entertainment will destroy him! Control more, make him work, be stricter with him, protect him from bad friends - and the guy will take up his mind.
The advice seems to be simple and practical, but parents fail to fulfill it.

Psychological picture.
Interviews with parents (even in the absence of the child) led to the conclusion that the child has an excitable psyche. This is evidenced by the features of its development and behavior described above.
Both biological factors (toxicosis, rapid delivery) and genetic factors (there were relatives with similar characters) could underlie the increased excitability. Parenting strategies (eg liberal parenting style) also make a big contribution.

Excitable children are characterized by instability of mental activity and impulsiveness. Therefore, they are often called impulsive. Under mental activity here refers to a certain level of energy and excitement. The activity of mental processes is the basis for internal initiative, purposefulness and focus on the goal. Activity should not be confused with the reactivity of the psyche, which occurs in response to external or internal stimuli. The saying about a lazy person turns out to be true - a child is born, and his psyche even before birth has those features that will cause him "laziness".

For example, an active child runs because he has a conscious goal - he needs to run somewhere or overtake someone or run at speed. And the "reactive" child will run aimlessly, because. others run or "it runs by itself, I don't know why." An excitable child may at first impulsively have a goal, but he will quickly lose interest in it if it takes a lot of "strain". His attention does not linger long on that which is not connected with pleasure.At the same time, many children of the excitable circle often get stuck on pleasant activities and on unpleasant emotions, which misleads adults about his perseverance, perseverance and energy.Everything that is pleasant and does not require effort, the child wants to prolong as long as possible, and that which requires effort quickly exhausts his psyche, causes resistance or irritation.

Apparently, it is the increased excitability or reactivity that is the "defect" of the psyche and the cause of exhaustion.
Impulsive children are often emotionally unstable. Impatience is a manifestation of exhaustion, which gives rise to a bad mood, irritability and increased aggressiveness.
Hence the problems of emotional control, the development of the volitional, social and moral spheres (difficulties in appropriating social norms, inability to resist egoistic impulses aimed at pleasure and entertainment, problems of effort).
This adds passivity (laziness) in the absence of interest or motive, inner emptiness, when nothing induces action from within or from outside. Good undertakings and their own initiative often do not have enough energy to implement, so excitable children easily quit what they started. But they quickly succumb to influence from the outside, especially from friends. They are what their environment is like. They are easily captivated by both good and evil ideas "for the company."

The environment and surroundings have a strong influence on them. A friendly, well-organized and structured environment is the main condition for the learning and balanced behavior of such children. An impulsive child is subject to discipline, if everyone does the same thing, the work is within his power, and his efforts are noticed and approved.
Such a child looks tireless when his activity is motivated by his interests and inclinations, he is even ready to work hard if he receives the desired reward. If at school each of his efforts is rewarded with a good grade, praise, and other positive consequences, then he is ready to “turn mountains”.

But the realities of life are such that both teachers and parents, as children grow, give them less and less positive attention. Signs of negative attention become habitual: remarks, reprimands, reproaches, bad grades. For example, a teacher says: "If children behave well, their diaries will be clear of remarks and parents will not receive unpleasant messages." And the mother of the child will say: “The faster he does his homework, the more free time he will have and no one will scold him.” This is not enough for an excitable child. The price is too high - the efforts are exorbitant for such a psyche when there is no worthy goal. A clean diary and the absence of comments does not motivate - there is no anticipation of joy and pleasure. In adolescence, when communication comes to the fore, the lack of learning motivation becomes apparent.

What happens is that parents and teachers should only do what motivates the child for any trifle, i.e. reinforce the reward of every effort of the child? It already looks like training, when tricks are practiced with an animal or taught to do something using different reinforcements (pieces of meat, sugar, stroking). Of course not!

Motivation and willpower.
The motivation of human behavior, in contrast to the behavior of animals, has a complex structure of combination and subordination of motives. Without going into the depths of the psychological science of motivation (which has several directions, each of which explains in different ways why a person behaves one way or another), within the framework of this article, we will try to understand the main difference in the motivation of a person and an animal. An animal's behavior is determined by its survival needs and is governed by instincts. But, the more complex the mental organization of an animal, the more noticeable is its tendency to weaken instincts and the appearance of other motives (for example, a hungry domestic dog will tear itself away from food if a family member enters, whom she was delighted with). The motivational system of a person includes needs that “relate” him to animals (biological needs for survival, security and bodily pleasures) and purely human needs determined by social values ​​and ideals to which a person consciously or unconsciously gravitates. The level of personality development is also determined by the fact that a person can control his motives, giving preference to needs of a higher level than biological ones.

How can we see this in children?
The three-year-old child turns his eyes again and again to the delicious strawberries lying on the plate and destined for his brother. He has already eaten his berries. The whole family sits in another room, and he does not see anyone. The father is watching the child from afar with interest. The child approaches the plate, stretches out his hand and immediately pulls it back, saying “no!, no!” There are two competing motives - egoistic, associated with the pleasure of eating, and the other - valuable, associated with the "ideal I" (a good boy does not take someone else's).

There is a certain “gap” between motivation and action, where the struggle of motives takes place. Which motive will win? Be that as it may, you need to praise the child for already trying to cope with the temptation, even if he could not resist and ate the berry! In the struggle of motives, his willpower is formed.
An impulsive child is likely to quickly eat berries and not even have time to think about something or someone. There is no “gap” between motivation and action and there is no struggle of motives - the desire that has arisen is immediately impulsively satisfied. Such children live in the moment - for them there is no past and future, no consequences, there is only “here and now”. And there is an unbridled attraction to the pleasures and joys of life! To do this, all obstacles are overcome, and aggressiveness, assertiveness, audacity, intuition, ingenuity, lies, dexterity, resourcefulness, and practicality come to the rescue.

Parents mistakenly call assertiveness and pressure on others willpower, but this is only the power of primitive drives and no struggle of motives. The main problem of an impulsive child is weak willpower. But the volitional sphere of a person includes the ability to make efforts, patience, endurance, organization, goal setting, perseverance in achieving goals, foreseeing consequences, responsibility and other qualities that are developed with efforts. Without these abilities, successful learning is almost impossible, and in the future, problems often arise both at work and in the family.

The moral sphere of a person is also formed through overcoming selfish motives. Therefore, later on, people of this type often have problems complying with social norms, problems of employment,breaking laws, addictive behavior etc.

The formation of character.
The nature of the child is basically determined by the properties of the central nervous system, and then many other factors influence him - this is the nature of attachments, and living conditions, and the style of upbringing in the family, and the circumstances in which he achieves his goal or fails, etc. .d. and so on.
Of great importance is how the child's self-esteem develops. At an early age, it is a product of mirroring. Children know almost nothing about themselves, but they hear, see, feel, read in the eyes how others perceive them. The less dissatisfaction, reproaches, punishments and angry looks and the more positive reactions to the child and his behavior from the environment, the higher his self-esteem, the more faith in his own strength and self-confidence.

Unfortunately, an excitable child, due to his impulsiveness and impatience, bad mood and aggressive outbursts, receives a lot of negative feedback on himself and his behavior. The inability to change or control one's own behavior leads to the formation of negativism, increases aggression, but does not reduce impulsivity.

The style of parent-child relationships also influences the formation of the character of the child.
If parents are more likely to show softness and inconsistency in demands, as well as touchiness and infantilism, then the child quickly takes power into their own hands and becomes bold and assertive, selfish, and if the parents are strict, authoritarian, using commands, critical and rejecting, then the child " pouts”, is angrily offended, grumbles, reluctantly obeys, and negativism and hostility are fixed in his character.
The best solution: being firm and reasonably demanding (the child must make sure that the parents are confident in their decisions), while being attentive to the feelings of the child and taking into account the peculiarities of his psyche.

Three Basic Rules for Dealing with an Impulsive Child or Teenager
Rule 1
The child needs a positive mirroring of the behavior that you want to see in him!
He must detect such behavior and understand how he does it - force himself! And he needs help to see it. That is, parents need to notice the minimum manifestations of patience, perseverance, effort, the presence of a struggle of motives, the ability to resist temptations and the desire for pleasure, and then express their positive emotional attitude towards overcoming laziness.

Examples.
-I saw how you wanted to continue the computer game, but you still went to do your homework!
- You put your clothes on a chair today - nice to see (usually it is lying on the floor)
- You are tired, but you continue to work - this causes my respect (even if he started working late because of laziness).
Conversations of this type help the child (teenager) to reflect on their internal struggle. Then he has the ability to observe himself and give himself instructions.

Rule 2
We contribute to the development of consciousness and self-awareness of a child or teenager. We understand that only he himself can resist his nature (i.e., such properties of the psyche as exhaustion and impulsiveness - in our case), pressure from other people is ineffective. Therefore, we help the child to understand the nature of his difficulties and problems.

We know that children with hearing, vision, speech or health impairments find sympathy and understanding from other people, as their problems are obvious. The problems of children with mental disabilities are often not obvious, especially if outwardly the children look strong and healthy. Their behavior is due to bad upbringing or seems malicious. The task of adults is to help the child learn and understand the properties of his psyche. He must understand that laziness is not just a condemned character trait, but a lack of mental energy, and only he can help himself by overcoming this condition.

An example can be given of how a person with weak muscles will actually get tired before others. But he can train his muscles, although it is not easy. In addition, you need to let other adults who interact with such children know about this problem. Adults should understand that the task of developing willpower is not easy (in order to develop willpower, willpower is needed), everyone knows this by their own example, but it is especially difficult for impulsive children, they need support.

Rule 3.
It is necessary to help the child realize that he has ideals, there is a desire to be strong, honest, courageous, smart, etc. At the same time, he has more primitive desires aimed at getting pleasure or at a momentary reaction of feelings, and struggle. He can influence the outcome of this struggle himself.

A child who is aware of the struggle of his desires has the opportunity to make a conscious choice.

In a famous parable, an Indian teenager asked an old leader, “I heard that two wolves live in a person - a white one and a black one. The white wolf directs him to good deeds, and the black one to evil ones. Which wolf wins in the end? The chief replied: “The one you feed wins.” An old Indian helps a teenager realize that he himself decides which "wolf to feed”, i.e., ensure his victory.

Ideally, a child or teenager, on the one hand, studies his character and his psyche through mirroring himself in the eyes of others and through reflection of his motives, and on the other hand, he begins to discover that he himself manages his life, guided by his ideals. Further self-knowledge leads to the fact that the teenager learns to distinguish which motives he approves of in himself, and which motives he should say “no”.

Ludmila Kudryavtseva