The man said - the man did: how to make a decision. The Husband Doesn't Make the Decisions Why the Man Makes All the Decisions

A dependent husband - he cannot make decisions without me

Karina writes:

“I really need the advice of a psychologist. I have been married for 5 years, we have a child of 1.5 years. My husband is a weak and spineless person. He doesn't know how to make decisions at all! When something needs to be done or bought, she immediately runs to me with fear in her eyes, and I have to decide everything myself. A simple example. We were flooded by neighbors from above. The husband came with the words: “What to do?” I explain to him that I need to call the house management to draw up an act, but he can’t, he says that he doesn’t know how, that he is unsociable, so that I can do it myself. I sigh and call myself. All this got me. He can’t even buy clothes for himself, he stands in the store and can’t decide whether to buy him a black T-shirt or a white one, he buys what I advise. What about some big things to talk about. Buying a refrigerator is a whole story. I have to foresee everything myself, arrange delivery, make sure that they are loaded carefully, etc. And he stands there and just watches. I'm already tired of this! Not a man, but the second child in the family. I don't know how to teach him independence. He wasn’t like that before, or I didn’t pay attention. ”

Psychologist Tatyana Kapitova answers:

“Karina, you claim that your spouse used to be more independent, or you did not pay attention to this trait of his character. If we assume that he always preferred to refrain from active actions, but you did not notice this, then what exactly was the impetus for the fact that his indecision began to annoy you? Perhaps there were some events that made you take a closer look at your family roles and re-evaluate them? The idea came to my mind that, perhaps, earlier, next to a dependent spouse, you satisfied your maternal instinct: the husband played the role of a child who could be taken care of, cared for, taught something, set an example, and so on. And then, with the advent of a real child, you no longer needed this function of a husband, and you wanted to see your husband as the head of the family, a protector and reliable support. But he is already used to fulfilling his “childish” role and relying on you in everything.

You can probably teach him independence. Still, he is an adult and certainly can do a lot and knows how. But why should he try to change something if there is such a skilled wife nearby? Sometimes, in order to change the behavior of a spouse, it makes sense for the other spouse to change their own behavior. Try to loosen control over your husband's actions a little and give him a chance to prove himself. Most likely, seeing that you yourself are not able to solve something, he will take you under his wing.

And in fact, why does it often happen that a man who is not indifferent to you begins to behave in this way? It seems that both you and him understand that he likes you, but this does not change the situation - he remains detached, or even completely ignores you.

And these reasons may be as follows.

Consider first two rarer options, after which two more frequent ones.

1. He is not mature for a serious relationship in principle

This is one of the possible reasons, but it cannot be called a common one.

The bottom line is that a man understands that if he begins to actively show his feelings for you, then this is fraught with serious consequences. And he does not consider it important enough in his life. At least for now.

Yes, somewhere in the distant future, he admits the possibility that he will want to build a serious relationship based on mutual obligations and trust, but now and in the foreseeable future, he does not even think about it.

Question: Do you need such a friend?

2. He thinks a woman is too good for him.

Another rare option, which, nevertheless, sometimes occurs.

Its essence is that a man actually believes that you are too good for him and is afraid to clearly express his sympathy, fearing your direct or indirect refusal.

This is exactly the situation that is played out everywhere in all sorts of love melodramas.

She is a magnificent beauty, a girl from a noble family, well-educated, well-behaved in society, etc. and so on…

He is an ordinary guy, in general, unremarkable, who, of course, fell head over heels in love and can’t do anything with himself: he can’t leave, and he’s also not ready to go for rapprochement.

In the movies, this is all the time (after all, girls so want to believe that he is just a little shy), but in life this happens infrequently.

Much more often you will meet not modest and shy, but impudent and straightforward men who have no idea that they are unworthy of you.

Moreover, be sure that those who actually think that you are too good for them are rare men whose self-esteem is greatly reduced.

So what is a man with low self-esteem? If fate has already brought you together with such a man, then you hardly want to repeat such an experience ...

Two rarer options are left behind, and now it's time to sort out two much more common reasons why a man can ignore you, despite the fact that he likes you.

3. Throwing Responsibility

This is already a much more common option than those discussed above.

In this case, the basis of the man’s behavior is the desire to “hand over” you with responsibility for the development of relationships.

What does it mean? This means that a man is disposed to play a female role in a relationship, and he wants to take a male role for you.

In other words, he wants to see you as a leader, whom he can easily follow. Go along the path that you have already thought out for him.

Instead of taking the “helm” himself and taking on an active role, the man “surrenders” and gives the “helm of the ship” of the relationship into your hands.

There are usually only two reasons why this can happen:

• A man observed a similar model of relationships with people close to him (for example, with his parents) and therefore subconsciously seeks to repeat it. Simply put, he does not do it on purpose, he does not have malicious intent: “Aha! Now I’m not going to shift all the responsibility to her, but I myself will quietly trail behind her ... ”No, as a rule, this does not happen, and men do this unconsciously due to the assimilation of behavior patterns that are inadequate for them (female).
• As for the second reason, you can be such a reason. Every time you prevent a man from showing his initiative, prevent him from introducing some idea, do not allow him to make a decision on his own (even the most insignificant one), you thereby contribute to the development of female “habits” in him, one of which is indecision. And, as it is not difficult to understand, indecision is not selective, but extends perfectly to building relationships.

Each time, a little bit “stepping on the throat” of manifestations of male initiative, you can easily bring the situation to the point of absurdity, when all issues in the relationship will be decided only by you, and the man will be the very embodiment of passivity and lack of initiative.

Moreover, you can not even interfere with a man and not “crush” his initiative and the beginnings of responsibility, but at the same time you will simply do something that he should do. It is he, and no one else.

Any situation where a woman takes the initiative in establishing and maintaining contact with a man can be considered a typical example of such an approach.

As soon as you begin to storm him with texts, calls and endless VKontakte messages, you can assume that you have successfully completed the task and transferred the man to another “mode”.

Unfortunately, such a regime is unfavorable for you - after all, now it is you who will be the “locomotive” of your relationship, and he will be a passive passenger in the trailer that you pull behind you.

In such a simple, uncomplicated way, you can change a man not for the better, and he, without striving for this himself, will transfer responsibility to you.

4. Tactical move

And finally, let's look at the fourth reason why a man can ignore you, even if he likes you.

The reason for this is as simple as it is insidious, and it lies in the fact that a man considers his indifferent behavior as a well-thought-out tactical move.

What is the idea of ​​such a move?

She is very simple. The task of a man in this case is to devalue you as a woman. In other words, he wants to make you feel that "I don't really need you...".

For a man, unlike a woman, this is not such a difficult task, because the dependence of men on relationships, as a rule, is much lower than that of women.

This is what gives him the strength to deliberately show you that he doesn’t need you, as it were.

Taking advantage of the fact that a woman's focus on relationships is much higher, many unscrupulous comrades play a very cruel, heartless game with them.

They simply devalue the woman, letting her know (through ignoring, alienation and indifference) that they have no interest in her.

A certain time passes, and you begin to suffer from this, because you so wanted a warm, trusting relationship ...

And then your self-esteem naturally begins to fall, because you feel that no one needs you, that he is indifferent to you, does not really make contact, etc.

The soul is torn apart by despair and pain, and you begin to think that something is wrong with you, that you are doing something wrong, since he behaves this way with you.

But it's just a cruel game on his part. The goal of this game is for you to “bring down the price” for yourself. For example, before communicating with him, you rated yourself at 95 points out of 100.

And now, after suffering from ignoring him?

That's right, you will no longer give yourself 95 points, but, at best, 75.

In this way, men are trying to force women to lower their bar or, figuratively speaking, they want to “pull them down” to their level.

A man does not want to develop and seek you, because you have as many as 95 points - very close to ideal.

He understands that it is very long, difficult and resource-intensive. And, after a little thought, he chooses a much simpler path - to “lower” your level to at least 75, so that later he will triumphantly appear and get you at a “bargain price”.

And, sadly, you willingly surrender to this man, seeing in his face almost a savior who came to "rescue you from the darkness", while forgetting that it was he who plunged you into this very "darkness". Just in order not to strain and feel like a kind of hero-liberator.

Sad story? I agree, however, I want you to stop and think. Look inside yourself and honestly admit to yourself that this is how it really happens. This is not easy to accept and comprehend, but I sincerely wish you that this knowledge lies in your heart and you never "dumping".

Be a high, hard-to-reach ideal for a man and help him gradually rise to you, climbing higher and higher. You should not “fall in price”, but a man should increase his value in your eyes - this is the right prerequisite for building a long-term relationship.

Often women complain that a man hesitates (or does not hesitate), but does not make a decision. A woman in such a situation feels in limbo. What reasons could there be for such behavior?

1. Indecision. This is the most common reason. In the modern world, where boys are raised by mothers, and the upbringing itself often becomes neurotic, twitchy, guys simply do not have the skills to collect, analyze information, make a final decision based on it and firmly follow it. The fact is that all decisions were made by mom. And the boy had only one task - to obey unquestioningly and not to argue. Any initiative he took was punished. Any decision other than mother's was perceived as disobedience, and the "unfit boy" received scolding and lamentations on the topic of filial ingratitude. Guys often develop a simple reflex: "making a decision entails punishment." How can the ability to make a decision be formed in such a situation? On the contrary, men will unconsciously refuse to decide, delay, slow down. To avoid getting punished.

This is theory. And the practice is such that such men shy away from independent decision-making. They prefer to have someone else make the decision for them. Boss, mother, wife, state. Anyone, just not to be the last link in this chain. It is better for them to follow someone else's pointer, as they have been accustomed to since childhood. If a decision needs to be made, they can hesitate indefinitely in order to delay it.

Such men are very convenient for authoritarian, matriarchal ladies who want to be the head of the family and have a comfortable, obedient husband. At the same time, if a woman adheres to a feminine line of behavior and wants a man to be the head of the family, so that he makes the decision, then this is not an option for her. A woman will rely on her husband, and he himself is accustomed to obey.

What to do? If you want an obedient husband, then this is a great option for you. But do not forget that in this case you will have to make decisions for the rest of your life. The husband will only be a performer, nothing more. Forcing him to make decisions will not work - he will shy away from it.

If you want a man to be the head of the family, so that he can make decisions, then it is better to find another. You can, of course, try to become a psychotherapist for an indecisive man and re-educate an adult. An attempt, as they say, is not torture (although in this case it may well become one). But usually the effectiveness of such actions is at the level of statistical error. It is better to choose a man who initially knows how to make decisions.

2. Uncertainty in yourself and your abilities. This is similar to the first point. Here's what differs. From the boy, on the contrary, they demanded independence, but at the slightest mistake they scolded and punished him. At the same time, they did not particularly praise for the positive moments, taking them for granted. As a result, he retains self-discipline and the ability to make decisions, but at the same time, faith in himself is lost. Any decision he makes is accompanied by the thought “again I will not succeed”, “I am good for nothing”. Of course, in such a situation, the motivation to decide something is lost.

What to do? There are two ways. The first and simplest is not to choose such a man from the very beginning. The second option is to try to inspire him. With due diligence and skill, loving and diligent women manage to transform an insecure person into a confident one. How this is done is briefly described (paragraph "Mutually beneficial hidden control"). Of course, this path is much more difficult, but much more humane and more effective in the long run.

3. A man does not want, is not used to being responsible for his decisions. This, in fact, is also one of the branches of the first situation. If in the first paragraph the boy in his childhood experienced a dominant overprotectiveness, then in the second - indulgent. The child is allowed to do everything, including making decisions. Including the unbelievers. But if, with normal upbringing, the parents make the child understand that his decision was wrong, offer him to correct the consequences (at least partially), then in this situation the blame for the failure is usually blamed on third parties, and the consequences are eliminated by the parents. So the child develops an unconscious attitude “do what you want, parents will rule it out”. Thus, the causal relationship between the decision taken, its balance, the consequences of this decision, as well as responsibility for them, is broken. If something goes wrong, we will appoint the guilty, and the parents will fix everything.

But, having entered adulthood, such “children” eventually begin to understand that not all the consequences of mistakes can be corrected by parents. Therefore, such men have a desire to make a decision, and even a very large one (they are used to pushing their parents around), but they are not responsible for the decision made. These are capricious and cowardly dictators. They need only to give orders, and someone else to carry out and be responsible for the result.

What to do? It's generally better to stay away from such people. No matter how it goes, it's still not his fault, but you.

4. Lack of information. This is also a common reason, which, unlike the first and third, characterizes a reasonable, psychologically mature person. A balanced approach to the problem involves the careful collection of all possible information. If there is none or little, then a sane person will either postpone the decision (if time and situation allows). At the same time, he will look for the necessary information.

What to do? Don't push, don't yell, don't whine. After all, you need a man, and not you, to make a decision? So let's weigh everything. An ill-considered decision in ordinary life, outside of extreme situations, is worse than a delayed thoughtful one.

5. The man's decision does not coincide with the woman's desire, and he simply does not want conflict. This happens very often and very much in common with this article. A woman wants and demands one thing, and a man decides differently. He considers it unreasonable to follow the woman's lead, but he does not want to give up his decision either. Therefore, he chooses such a potentially conflict-free option - not to talk about his decision. I agree that the option is not the best, because if there is a scandal, then it will be sooner or later. Such behavior can only delay it. But all people are different, and for some, postponing a quarrel is already a reason to act this way.

What to do? Finally decide who you need. An obedient, dutiful male servant who will agree with you in everything and live according to your orders? Or a solid man with independent thinking, who will always make his own decisions? If the first option, then refresh your memory of point 1 from this article. If the second option, then you have to hide your self-will away and accept what the man decided as the law. There is no third.

6. He has already decided everything, he just doesn’t tell you for one reason or another. Often men are secretive, uncommunicative. Such is their feature. And they are in no hurry to share their decisions. At the right time, he will tell you everything. Or maybe he just doesn't trust you.

What to do? If you want to be aware of everything that happens in the head of a man, then do not choose a silent man. Choose a speaker. He will share everything, outline the whole course of thought, and report the conclusions. You will be aware of everything. If you chose a silent man, then you have to endure. If the matter is in distrust, then either wait until it disappears, or show the man that you are not a random person, not a passer-by in his life.

The ability to make decisions is a very important aspect of masculinity. No soldier wants to be under the command of an officer who, in an emergency, grabs his head and starts running in circles. No woman wants a man who can't decide if he needs a relationship. No boss appreciates an employee who cannot make quick decisions. No one respects a dude who first gets a burger and then regrets for half an evening that he didn't choose wings instead.

A dude who is loved by women, who grows up in the service, who is respected by the whole world - this is a determined dude. A determined dude is calm and keeps his face, even if he is under pressure. He has a goal, he goes in a certain direction, and he always has a plan. An indecisive man progresses slowly and insignificantly, because everything is always inaccurate with him and he cannot understand what to strive for. He is stuck in a neutral position, neither here nor there, while a determined man is already striving for his goal, for his happiness.

A man who never decides on anything is constantly worried. He goes along with the idea that not making a decision allows him to stay safe longer. True, he does not understand that to live means to swim in the middle of a mountain river, in which we are constantly trying to resist the events that overwhelm us. If you stop rowing, you simply follow the current and swim downstream. You can't just stand up and stand still. This is impossible. Instead of keeping everything under control, you begin to feel as if life dominates you, preparing for you one event after another. If you try to live without making decisions, these unfulfilled choices will be subconsciously present in your head, you will constantly regret and worry about them.

You can't just go with the flow all your life. A real man directs his life where he needs it. He is the captain of his destiny.

Of course, simply making decisions is not enough. In the end, a man who constantly makes bad, wrong and simply stupid decisions will not succeed. You have to know how to do it: make the right decisions at the right time.

How to make the right decision

We all have to make decisions every day. Some of them are simple: what shirt to wear, what to eat for breakfast; some are more difficult: for example, choosing a university or a company where you want to work. When we have to make an important decision, we often put it off as far as possible, ostensibly to reflect. We know that as soon as we enter one door, another will immediately close, and we will never know what awaited us behind it. This scares us. But there is a way to ease the agony of choice and start making better decisions.

Gather as much information as possible. Whenever you have to make an important decision, this is the first step you should take. Don't just sit and wonder day by day, waiting for the stars to somehow align themselves and give you the answer. Instead, try to find as much information as you can about what you choose between and what you choose. If you are trying to choose a university, read about all the options, go there, talk to students, etc. If you need to choose a job, find as much information as possible about potential employers, talk to colleagues and other industry workers. And why do you need Google, after all? And finally, the moment will come when everything will become crystal clear to you. If not, go to the next step.

Make a list of all the pros and cons. This is a reliable and proven method, which sometimes works very well. Just take a sheet of paper, draw columns and write down the pros and cons of each possible solution. Ideally, the pros of one solution should substantially outweigh all the pros of other options. If everything is not so obvious, the process of thinking about all the positive and negative aspects can bring the moment of enlightenment closer.

Imagine how you would make each of the possible decisions. Sometimes when we make a choice, we only see the results of that choice in the abstract. But this is your life. So sit down or even lie down somewhere quiet and try to visualize your life after every possible decision. Think about what you will do and how you will feel. Which of the scenarios seems to you the most peaceful and calm? Thinking about what scenario, you feel happy? Which one devastates you?

Think about previous decisions. It is often said that people who do not understand history are doomed to repeat it. This is true for the whole world and for individuals. Sometimes we make the wrong choice over and over again.

Think about bad decisions you've made in the past - do they have anything in common? Have you already refused to follow your dream several times in order to achieve a high position in society? Then don't make another decision to please your pride. Did you make bad decisions because you weren't sure? Now be sure of everything and stay on course.

How to make a spontaneous decision

Of course, you don't always have time to sit down and think. Sometimes decisions have to be made on the fly. It's harder because you're under pressure, but it can still be helped.

Be ready. You must have watched football and seen how beautiful goals are. Athletes seem to know in advance what will happen, as if their legs control them. Perhaps this is true: the coach showed the team different games with their opponents, the team had a certain strategy, they practiced. So when the time came, the player was able to score a great goal.

Obviously, you cannot foresee all the decisions you will have to make. But you can prepare as best as you can for what may be in store for you. At work, delve into the details and think over strategies. In a relationship, think about what you would like to achieve, think about what you will answer to your girlfriend when you start discussing your plans or difficulties. Learn invaluable skills that will come in handy in an emergency. Practice what you may need to be able to help yourself when the need arises.

Listen to intuition. Some scientific research has shown that intuition comes from unconscious processes in the brain. Trust your sixth sense. If the options seem to be the same for you, listen to your intuition.

How not to regret your decision

Of course, even the best decision can be overshadowed by regrets. They eat us up and we can't get them out of our heads. Have we made the right choice? And if not?

Regrets are usually triggered after a period of complacency by the very fact that a choice has been made. You get a new job, and after a few weeks there comes a point where you start to wonder if you made a mistake. You break up with a friend and after a week you start to miss her.

At times like this, you have to be a man. You have to be able to close the door behind you. Here are some tips for this.

Look back at the past. On the pros and cons lists - save them for this occasion. Read all your notes. When you begin to have doubts, you can look at them and remember why you made this decision. Did something important happen that should change everything? If not, keep going your own way. Remember: just because it's hard for you, you shouldn't think that you made a mistake.

Repeat: Whatever I decide, I'm right. I heard this advice from an old and wise man when I had to make one of the most important decisions of my life. And that calmed me down. No matter which path you choose, there will always be something to be happy about and something to regret. If you had made a different decision, the difference would have been small. So just calm down and accept: you did everything well.

What do men need???
The experience is small, but it can not be ignored!
Men are cowards! Cowards and hypocrites by nature. Everything seems to be easy and simple for them, but in fact, in order to decide on some more or less responsible step, they will turn themselves inside out and take out the brains of everyone close to them!
Relationships, or rather the termination of relationships. The process depends on many factors, including the length of the relationship, the duration of PMS, and the opinions of the parents!
Girls can end relationships if they feel that these relationships are useless ... a woman is guided by a sense of self-preservation ... and a little love for her beautiful self. As for men... no... they can't refuse a woman just like that... because they realized that this is not their princess, queen, goddess and other comparative metaphorical turns, which sometimes make you sick! Can't tell a girl that it's over, honey, this is the end! No certainty ... well, what kind of people? When men break up, the main role is played by 2 basic instincts: a) the instinct of the hunter and b) the instinct of the owner. There is no question of any self-preservation! All men are GREAT! Caught, shot, conquered and that's all... only mine and no one else's. Men can't let go! And even more so to share. And women can... I don't know which is better! Another important reason that keeps any man like a magnet: “Oh gods!!! What will she tell her friends about me? How will she treat me after our breakup? And if she considers me a bastard, a goat, a bastard (and other comparatively unpleasant phrases)? How will I live with this? A woman does not have such questions! A woman if she decided that everything! This is the end! It means the end... yes-yes-yes.. maybe in a few days, months, years she will become (attention) bored and she will remember her EX-man and think.. hmm... but in general it was not bad.. some individuals will even try to return... but all this will be sluggish and not for long... and if for a long time, it means she didn't decide! And only she informed everyone that they say ... I decided on such an amazing act! And now let's go, dear girlfriends, take me to boutiques, restaurants, bars and clubs in search of a real prince ... but soon it got boring again .. and we need to return to the proven option! Men!!! cute! If the girl has finally decided, then she will never return to you for anything in the world !!! (but in order for a woman to finally decide, she needs to get it properly ... and it's not just about tolerance during PMS ...)

In men, chemical processes in the brain are slower than usual =) and this is a fact! It’s easier for them to get confused in relationships than girls! Hence the betrayal! YES! Nowadays, everything can be explained scientifically! Cheating for a man is a way to find inner balance, and for a woman it is a way to change her life. Yes, women are much more radical and irrevocable. Men are more forgiving. Think about how many times you fought. Who was the first to come to terms??? The girl will be proud of her rightness to the last (no matter who is right), while the man has already come to terms with the fact that his other half is a fool, and runs around the flower shops in search of her favorite plants! Another very interesting feature! most men do not get hung up on a quarrel, almost 90% do not even remember how it all started. And women remember everything! (even if they laugh and justifiably nod their heads at your outpouring about what a wonderful relationship we have) We are fools! We store these grievances as precedents, archive them and cherish and lily, so that later we can kill our beloved by all the shelves of this endless catalog of grievances. Yes Yes! After all, when the arguments end and the quarrel is about to end, the girl understands that she can’t stop. This is where heavy artillery comes to the rescue! If the current conflict is over, there are many similar ones ... but let's apply them ... right now, like snow on our heads! If the girl went into a rage, then giant icicles will fly from the roofs. Yes, yes .. and then no sex is needed.
Speaking of sex. With quarrels, just like with sex, everything is much simpler for men. They quickly warmed up, quickly cooled down ... and women? Aha! We swing for a long time, and then we turn into insatiable grimz.

There is also a great feature! We can say that folk wisdom! “She came up with it herself - she was offended” but why? Our dear ones, is it really difficult for you to take the phone, press the quick call button and say that you are alive, healthy and busy! (and, well, don't forget to say the catchphrase - I just wanted to hear your voice!) and that's it!! Liberty! Look, party, drink, have fun, work, change! At least the girl will get enough sleep, and will not sit and wait like a fool and wind up all sorts of nasty things for herself! By the way, contrary to your selfishness, our beloved, women first of all think that the man of her life first got hit by a car, then he crashed in a car himself, then he stupidly went with friends to drink beer, then the reasonable thought “probably he has a blockage on work”, then “maybe his best friend intercepted him” or “probably mom called and asked me to go to the grocery store” ... and only then ... “hell ... maybe he has someone?” , but this absurd thought is interrupted by a keen desire to call all the hospitals, morgues and police stations in the city (so that the clock by this time is long past 2:00)! and the scandal about the other girl and wild jealousy happens only because you yourself brought your soul mate to such a state ... you should try to come home no later than 1:30, because at this time she only begins to suspect about her best friend or remembers that his young man also has a job =)