Family rules. Rules of conduct in the family

They concern various aspects of family life - from the distribution of roles, functions and places in the hierarchy to the daily routine and allowing family members to openly express their thoughts and feelings. The rules show what is allowed in the family and what is not, what is considered good and bad, that is, they represent an element of family ideology.

They are divided into vowels and non-vowels. For example, such as: “Children should not interrupt adults”, “Parents set the time when the child needs to go to bed”, “Grandma is busy, she watches TV” - clearly proclaimed. The other part of the rules is known to family members, but is not expressed openly: “The topic of mother’s alcoholism is forbidden”, “If you want to make peace with your father, admit your guilt and patiently ask for forgiveness”, “All the best is for the child, he is sick”, etc. Finally, considerable some of the rules are not understood by family members. They act in a certain way, without even thinking that in reality it would be possible to act differently.

Rules arise at different stages of the life cycle, often contradict each other, and therefore relatives must constantly agree on them. For example, before the birth of a child, both young spouses worked, evenly distributed household duties, and certainly devoted time to outdoor activities. After the birth, the wife went on parental leave, and the husband had to work much harder to support the whole family alone. If the old rules of “equal participation in household chores” and “active recreation” are not temporarily changed, then this will inevitably lead to a disruption in the functions of the family at a new stage in its life cycle.

It also happens that by their unconstructive behavior, relatives provoke the establishment of rules that do not satisfy them. For example, while the wife was on parental leave for three years, the husband earned money for everyone and gave it to the family. It was a vowel, an established and well-known rule. Then the child was sent to kindergarten. The wife went to work and now she could provide for herself and the child. Gradually, the husband began to give the family less and less money. The wife provoked this unspoken rule - she proudly decided to herself that “she won’t ask for more money, she won’t borrow from her husband, that’s enough.”

The law of stability requires conservation family rules in permanent form. Their change is a painful moment for all relatives. If one of the family members or other people (guest, teacher) breaks the rule, it can become an unwanted person and even an enemy of the family. For example, a wife no longer wants to obey the rule set by her husband, refuses to stay at home and goes to work. This leads to a protracted marital conflict. Or the teacher allows himself to make a remark to a child who is admired, praised and considered unique in the family. As a result, mother and father unite in the fight against the teacher and the school.

In modern Russian family culture, the rules on the distribution of roles in the family are extremely contradictory. On the one hand, there is a custom that the husband should be the head of the family and earn money. On the other hand, in Russian fairy tales, the image of a man is a person who succeeds only by obeying someone (a gray wolf, a humpbacked horse, a pike, a frog princess). The female folklore image is one's own strength and power (Vasilisa the Beautiful). It is no coincidence that the struggle for power and status in modern Russian families is one of the most powerful dysfunctions associated with the fact that there is no clear rule about gender inequality in culture.

Disrupt family functioning negative family rules(hard-coded and difficult to change). In those families where they can be changed and revised depending on the situation, family dysfunction occurs less frequently. Absence family rules and norms also poses a serious risk to mental health. Many children and adolescents with aggressive antisocial behavior come from such families. The vagueness of rules and norms, their inconsistency, lack of expression contribute to the growth of anxiety, confuses and leads to instability of the individual and family.

Perhaps everyone will agree that the person who has a loving family is happy. But it takes a lot of work to create it. Often young people are unaware of this when they get married. The time for dates is over, and the period of grinding begins. In order to have a favorable environment at home, it is better to formulate the rules of the family in advance, which all its members will subsequently adhere to.

Family is a team

A good team not only celebrates the successes of everyone, but also shares all the failures equally. If a husband gets a promotion at work, he should be praised, told him what a fine fellow he is, that he has achieved this. The child learned to read - he is also smart, because he tried a lot, and he succeeded. And even if the wife, the spouse, and the child have made a lot of efforts to achieve these successes, they still get the opportunity to be proud of themselves. This will help raise self-esteem, believe in your strength and significance.

If one of the family members fails, there is no need to scold and blame him, he is probably upset anyway. It is better to invite them to think together about the problem and its possible solutions. You should use words like "we" and "our" instead of "your" and "mine" in your statements. After all, the family is a cell of society that unites spouses and their children.

family leader

Every team has a captain, and the family is no exception. But only one person can become a leader. If there are two of them, then the competition will begin, and even the solution of small everyday problems will end in a scandal every time. Therefore, it is necessary to clearly decide who is in charge in the family. Husband and wife should consult with each other, discuss who will take on the role of leader. It is worth discussing its functions in advance. At the same time, the leader does not decide everything for everyone, but only makes a decision based on the suggestions and wishes of other family members.

Is the head of the family a man?

Previously, no one thought about who would be the head of the family. From time immemorial, it has been a man. It was his direct duty to provide the family with everything necessary. The woman kept the family hearth, took care of the house and the upbringing of children. She received everything she needed to fulfill her tasks from the breadwinner, that is, from the man. The head of the family was responsible for everything and made the most important decisions. Today, this alignment suits many spouses, and they continue to adhere to it. On this occasion, there are no problems, and this does not prevent the family from being strong.

Can a woman be the leader?

Today, if a man proposes, this does not mean that he will unconditionally be the only economic support in the family. A woman can also perform this function. Often in modern families, only children are dependents, and spouses provide for them. If a woman also earns, especially on a par with a man, then it becomes unclear who is in charge in the family. Here, not everything is as simple as with the old way.

According to sociological research, the primacy in the family belongs to the spouse who performs regulatory and administrative functions. Most of the time this is done by the woman. She plans the family budget, organizes family consumption, takes care of upbringing and household chores. It turns out that today a woman becomes the main one in many respects, and not only in economic terms.

Who will be the head of the family?

It is worth noting that the concepts of “breadwinner” and “head of the family” are outdated. Moreover, they are absent from the Civil Code and the Constitution. Today, more and more people characterize the marital union as a family without a head. That is, a man and a woman are equally involved in decision-making and household chores. Such relationships in the family prove that it is not at all necessary to appoint a head.

family responsibilities

Everyone in the family has their own responsibilities. If they are distributed unevenly, the spouses often have disagreements and conflicts. Such contradictions can be very sharp and lead to serious consequences - to dissatisfaction with marriage. However, you need to understand that the husband and wife will still not be happy if all duties are simply divided equally. It is important that they correspond to the inclinations and character of a person, then the eternal disputes about household chores will stop. Separation should suit everyone and look fair in the eyes of the spouses.

Any duty must be performed out of love and care for each other, and not because someone needs it and is so established by the rules of the family. Examples for clarity:

1. Everyone washes the dishes for himself, because it takes a lot of time for mom, and she wants to spend it with loved ones.

2. The husband stops by the grocery store because he is on his way, and in the meantime, the wife will already start preparing dinner. The main thing is that everyone understands why they do it.

No one owes nothing to nobody

It is wrong to reduce family obligations to the word "must." For example, “I work all day, and you just sit on your neck”, “I’m spinning around the house like a squirrel in a wheel”, “You are a husband, and I am waiting for romantic evenings about you.” You can list endlessly, such phrases are heard in many families.

You need to understand that no one owes anything to anyone. Such an idea simply needs to be included in the rules of the family. If you are tired, ask your loved ones for help. If love and care reign in the house, it will not be difficult for anyone to wash the dishes or throw out the trash instead of someone else. If you want romance, you don’t need to wait and demand it from your husband, it’s enough to organize a pleasant evening yourself.

Maintain the authority of a husband or wife

If there is a child in the family, the spouses must adhere to the same parenting strategy. Children feel and see the disagreements of their parents well, so they will begin to cheat, dodge and look for concessions. If you need to solve some issue of education, then you should do it behind closed doors. That is, the growing children should not hear anything. Then the children in the family will equally respect both mom and dad.

The same goes for discussing your other half outside the home. You can not talk with other people about the shortcomings of the spouse, especially after a quarrel. You will definitely make peace, and outsiders will have a negative opinion. In this case, the authority of the spouse will be undermined.

When a child is also not allowed to say nasty things about his mom or dad. Otherwise, he will assume that the “bad” parent is not at all obligatory to obey. Remember that your spouse is the best person in the world, so his authority must be maintained. Make any decisions together. If you disagree with something, then discuss it only in private with each other.

All issues are discussed.

No need to wait for your spouse when he guesses about the problem. Maybe he doesn't even know about it. If you are tired or upset about something, be direct about it. The boss shouted - tell us about it yourself, and do not wait for questions. The carpet is dirty, and you no longer have the strength - ask your husband to vacuum, he himself may not guess.

Relationships in the family can only be built on communication. Therefore, make it a rule to discuss all existing problems. Only this should be done without scandals, screams and reproaches, in a calm tone. It is categorically impossible to keep silent about something and withdraw into oneself, trying to get away from the conflict. Such behavior will only breed mutual misunderstanding and bring problems to the extreme.

No need to be silent, accumulate negativity and irritation. Talk about your thoughts and feelings openly. The more sincerely this is done, the easier it is to understand the causes of discontent. Just do not sort things out in a state of irritation or with a tipsy spouse. It is better to wait for a more opportune moment to solve the problem.

Compromise is also an option.

A strong family is one that can resolve conflicts, not one that does not quarrel. Therefore, in disputes you do not need to stand your ground. The best option for a marital union is to think in the spirit of "win-win." That is, try to find a way out that will suit everyone, and not just one person.

For example, you started a renovation. One husband liked the floral wallpaper, and the other liked the striped wallpaper. No need to quarrel over this, look for a third option. Or you can paste over one half of the room with striped wallpaper, and make the other half into a flower. Get the original design with zoning.

Don't try to change your other half

When discussing the rules of behavior in a family, it is worth mentioning that attempts to change a husband or wife will not lead to anything good. Many people hope that things will be different after marriage, but in most cases this is not the case. For example, if a girl is uneconomic, then she may not like to cook and clean up. Or if a man abuses alcohol, it should be accepted that after marriage he will not give up this business. It is very difficult to change an adult person, and often it is simply impossible. Therefore, you need to learn to put up with the shortcomings of your spouse. If everything was fine before the wedding, then after it there should be no complaints.

Set boundaries

The family is the cell of society, which consists of a husband, wife and their children. Nobody cares about her anymore. All other relatives (fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, grandmothers, grandfathers and others) are only a part of a large family. You should not let them too deep into your life or try to please them in everything. If your parents don’t like something in your other half, but everything suits you, then you should tell them about it and gently ask them not to interfere in the relationship. Also, you should not allow relatives to look into closets, rearrange things or read mail, unless, of course, you yourself ask for it.

After the birth of a child, a newly-made grandmother very often practically settles in the house. She constantly climbs with advice on how to properly care for the baby. However, family rules say that boundaries must be set. For example, let the grandmother visit her grandchildren on certain days. You can ask her to do specific things: take a walk with the baby, stroke the diapers, and so on. So the grandmother will be busy, and there will be less unnecessary advice.

Respect and patience for parents

It is necessary to set boundaries, but do not forget about respect for the people who raised you and your other half. It is unacceptable to discuss the shortcomings of the parents with the spouse. It is better to focus on their good qualities. Surely the second mother cooks delicious cabbage soup, and dad is very economic. You need to delimit the territory and talk with your spouse, if only the parents become too intrusive and begin to interfere with family life.

Don't forget to communicate

Perhaps many will agree that the most important thing in a family is respect and ... love. It mostly manifests itself in relationships and communication. Therefore, you do not need to bury yourself in routine matters and forget about each other. Try to find time at least for conversations. It's very simple - just turn off the TV or look away from the computer monitor. It's great if there is an opportunity to get out somewhere with your spouse: go to the movies or just take a walk in the park. From time to time arrange romantic evenings for each other.

Code of moral rules in the family

Each family should have a clear list of rules that will be known to each of its members. Moreover, they should apply not only to parents, but also to children, so that they grow up well-mannered and decent. If certain conditions are not met, then you can point to a miss. However, this must be done in a friendly and tactful manner. There should not be too many rules, otherwise the importance of the list will be lost. Also, there should be no contradictions in it, so that it is clear what needs to be done and what should not be done.

For example, you can enter the following five family rules that must be strictly observed:

• love and respect each other;
• help and support in every possible way;
• do not criticize others;
• speak only the truth;
• to fulfill promises.

Of course, each family will have its own list of rules. It doesn't have to be for the rest of your life. The list can and should be supplemented or changed depending on the circumstances.

In a family, as in any other community, certain conditions must be observed that will allow all household members to live together. No cell of society can do without establishing some kind of family code or set of "household rules" that allow all members of the family to understand how to behave. Family rules help strike a balance between getting what you want and respecting the needs of others. They can also help children and teens feel safe.

Family Rules: The Basics

Rules can help your family members interact better and make family life more peaceful. Effective rules are positive statements about how he wants to take care and realize the possibilities of all households.

When the rules are written clearly and unambiguously, they help:

• children and adolescents to understand what is expected of them and where the boundaries are;
• adults to be consistent in how they treat younger family members.

When developing family rules, it is important to involve all family members, as far as possible, in their discussion. Even three-year-olds can have their own opinions and suggestions. As they grow older, the child should be even more actively involved in decision-making: what rules can be, as well as the consequences of breaking them. Once they reach adolescence, such "lawmaking" will give children valuable experience in taking responsibility for their own behavior.

To develop rules, you need to choose the most important things - for example, the rule about not physically hurting each other will be mandatory for most families. You can also develop the following rules: about safety, politeness, daily routine, proper manners. Each family will have different rules. The specifics of developing a family code will depend on your values, specific situation, religious beliefs, and the age and needs of your child(ren).

Types of family rules

Family rules can be very different, but all good rules have something in common: they are specific and clear.

"Yes" rules

These rules are a good teaching tool because they guide your child's behavior in a positive way. For example: “Speak politely to each other”, “Wear your seat belt in the car”, “Eat at the table”, etc.

"No" rules

Of course, it is better to set positive rules, but when it is difficult to explain what exactly needs to be done instead, rules with a negative “not” particle will do. For example: “Don’t spit”, “Don’t beg for purchases in the store”, etc.

Basic Rules

These are the rules that apply everywhere, no matter what. Some rules may apply to all family members, while others only apply to young children or teenagers. The rules on courtesy or on the prohibition of physical influence are precisely the basic rules.

situational rules

For specific situations, you should also have a short set of rules. For example, for a trip in a car, going to visit, playing a computer.

A few clear and specific rules are likely to be more effective than a long list of a dozen or so pages. This is especially true for young children. As the child grows up, the rules can “grow” with him. If your child consistently violates them, then you may need to focus on basic issues such as safety and fairness.

How to develop rules

Children and teenagers often like to participate in such a legislative process. Participating in a discussion about family rules will not necessarily stop younger members of the household from breaking them, but it will help them understand what rules are and why they are needed.

Some parents find it helpful to write down rules about how family members should behave. Writing down the rules makes them understandable and can also prevent potential disputes. And sticking a list of rules on the fridge or other prominent place can help younger kids stay in the know.

Children and rules

You can start developing rules when the child already understands the language. Young children need supervision and support to follow the rules. Preschoolers tend to forget, they are inconsistent in their behavior and easily distracted. Some children with special needs may also need your help to understand and remember the rules.

All children are different, therefore, the assimilation of the rules for each of them is an individual process. However, by the age of ten, they can follow the rules in most situations without your instructions. Clear rules will help your child feel safe and give him a sense of permanence. This is especially important during adolescence, when many other things in his life are undergoing changes.

Teens and rules

The teenage years present a new challenge. At this stage, young people begin to explore their own strengths, and may insist on greater autonomy and independence. Sometimes this ends with a revision of family rules. A teenager may feel a discrepancy between the rules of his family and the expectations of his peers and will try to balance these two processes.

Family rules are just as important for a teenager as they are for a small child. And it's never too late to create or rewrite them. The participation of a young man in the creation of a family code will help him understand that you respect his opinion. At this age, the rules of safe behavior will be especially useful. For example, rules about alcohol, friends, gender relations and the so-called curfew.

Be prepared to discuss and adjust the rules as your child grows. This applies in particular to the extension of the curfew.

Compliance with the rules

Rules are considered effective only when they are executed. If you have decided on a family code, then you should also decide what sanctions will be applied to any family member if he breaks any rule. When a rule is broken, you can simply remind the child about it and give him another chance, especially for young children. But, in the long run, it is much more effective to apply sanctions to the violator that you agreed on.

From the age of three, if children have agreed in advance with possible sanctions, they are more likely to remain calm when it comes time to follow the rules. When children reach adolescence, agreement on clear rules and consequences will help them develop self-discipline and independence.

Other news

The class hour is aimed at forming a value attitude and respect for the family, updating knowledge of the rules of behavior in the family. When studying the topic, the following control elements of the content are used: love, friendship, goodwill, empathy, respect, empathy, care, morality, conscience, shame, guilt. Parables, proverbs, puzzles and riddles are used in classroom materials.

Recommendations for working with the materials of the thematic lesson (class hour) "Seven Rules of the Family"
or the quest "In search of family treasures" for students of 3-4 grades

Session option [PDF ] [DOCX ]
Presentation [PDF] [PPTX]
Tasks for students (worksheet) [ DOCX]