When is silence killing your romantic relationship? It’s not about lambs: why silence kills relationships in the family

For the second year in Kazakhstan, an educational program for specialists in family affairs has been launched in international cooperation with the Spanish University of Navarra, an institute for family affairs. The purpose of this project is to train specialists to carry out work among young people in preparation for marriage, work on the prevention of divorce in the country, as well as to promote the development of effective marital relations.

In this article, I would like to touch on the topic of the danger of silence in the relationship of spouses based on the materials of the program. When the space of communication is "filled" with silence, there is reason to seriously think about what the other is silent about. There are several points that the silence points to.

Knowing how to be silent is not the same as being silent when you are next to your loved one.

The opportunity to tell our partner our emotions, feelings, fears, fears, problems is an integral part of the family. In a family, there should always be an opportunity to tell the other spouse who we are and what we feel. We shouldn't be afraid to open up.

Silence is an inappropriate phenomenon in the family.

Insecure spouses with low self-esteem, afraid of rejection, find excuses not to talk about how they feel.

To think that a partner understands us without a single word belongs to the realm of illusions.

When one spouse does not speak or is constantly silent, it causes guilt in the other. Silence in this case can even be perceived as punishment or rejection.

Brevity is not always a sign of talent, especially in family communication.

Many people despair because a spouse responds with only one word to the other's desire to communicate or to the desire to share in solving marital problems. To insist, to ask what one feels, what is going on, gives the other more power. This is the negative power of blackmail. Over time, this becomes a familiar pattern of communication between partners. In the end, the spouses stop communicating, and the relationship "suffocates."

1. Silence is a mask that hides the inability to communicate, admit that they were wrong, hide flaws, fear of marital reality. In some marriages, spouses are afraid to say “I love you” to each other because they don’t want to hear how these words are answered with absolute silence.
2. Silence is a sign of the surface. In any case, you should avoid using empty and meaningless phrases just to talk about something. There are couples who are confident that they are communicating because they are talking about minor or neutral things aimed at the outside world, while keeping silent about important things.
3. Silence and isolation are the main enemies of marital relations.

Silence with meaning and silence are not the same thing ...

Often silence in a relationship leads to a temporary break or divorce. Why are people silent in relationships? The reasons for misunderstanding are almost always not clear to partners, and the consequences of silence in a relationship are harmful to both. Whether it is worth knowing about possible solutions to a similar problem, you will learn in this article.

Silence in a relationship has not yet saved anyone, but it can lead to tragedy. This is a fact that is simply worth accepting. This is an axiom for all "young" couples and established families.

It is possible, of course, to prolong coexistence by ignoring individual trifles in a conversation, understatement, or simply the absence of deceit ... But this is not for long.

If you want to improve your relationship or, conversely, sensibly accept their uselessness, then it is worth analyzing the reasons for silence in a relationship, their consequences, as well as possible solutions to the question: “What if a loved one is silent?”

Causes and consequences of silence in a relationship

The reasons for silence in relationships between partners can be different, ranging from the unconscious to the so-called gaslighting, that is, a type of psychological violence.

Let's take a look at the main ones in order and determine why a person is silent specifically in your couple and what the consequences of silence in a relationship can be for both.

Nothing to say to each other

The first reason why people are silent is that partners simply have nothing to say to each other. A similar situation occurs when a couple is constantly together. Perhaps you are employees of the same company, live next door, or have been married for a long time.

The absence of topics for conversation in this case is almost always the norm. You participate in the same events, communicate with the same people. In fact, you know everything about each other.

The consequence of such silence in a relationship may be the disappearance of interest in each other in the future and the perception of a nearby person as a roommate, and not a beloved half.

Resentment and silence

The next reason why a person is silent may be a hidden resentment. The consequence of silence in a relationship due to resentment is a series of omissions or useless jealous scandals.

In this case, the start is a trifle: interrupting a partner during a conversation, a block on the phone, a prolonged evening with friends, an unreasonable, according to the second, delay at work, or simply a lack of help in household chores.

By the way, according to statistics, the latter happens very often. A woman loaded with household chores may expect an offer from you to help, but she is inconvenient to say so. As a result, she is offended, and you are perplexed: “Why is the beloved silent?”

Gaslighting in relationships

The last point on the question of why people are silent, we will consider gaslighting in a relationship. Earlier we mentioned that this is a type of psychological abuse.

It works effectively: a loved one is silent, and you yourself come up with reasons for silence, for your partner to leave the conversation, and torment yourself with heavy thoughts.

The consequences of silence in a relationship due to gaslighting can be dire. They can be quarrels with assault, depression, hard drinking and all the weaknesses that the nature of your partner or yourself is prone to.

There are many other prosaic reasons for silence in a relationship, most importantly, do not make their search your fanatical goal. Instead of being tormented by the depressing question of why a loved one is silent, stop for a minute and catch your breath. Perhaps then it will become easier for you to understand the true reasons for silence.

What to do if a loved one is silent

After a short rest, your thoughts will begin to clear. You will begin to remember the past days and weeks. We hope that your conclusions will coincide with reality, and to reinforce the effect, we recommend that you check with possible options for solving the problem of silence in a relationship. What to do if a loved one is silent?

Understand that a person may just be tired and not want to talk. It's true and it's okay. This rule applies more to men than to women, and also to people of the profession "man-to-man". We are talking about work, for example, in the service sector, when your partner has to communicate with a huge number of people every day.

Silence towards you after a hard day at work is not a consequence of a lack of interest, it may just be fatigue. In this case, you should be patient and wait until the weekend. We guarantee that half of the "useless" information will be forgotten by you, and your partner will be doubly pleased to listen to you.

Be more attentive to your partner, but not intrusive. Show care for your partner: send a nice message in the middle of the day, cook a romantic dinner for no particular reason, or invite you to the movies.

Do not be too persistent, otherwise expect a reproach for possible infidelity or other guilt.

In a situation where a loved one is silent, try to distinguish gaslighting from the characteristics of the person himself.

In this case, there may be three possible options for solving the problem of silence in a relationship: show understanding, contact a psychologist, or leave. The latter will require courage from you, but not self-sacrifice.

And if you are at the beginning of a relationship and your loved one is silent, what to do in this case? This is where you need to be more patient. Your couple is still "grinding", and the partner may not be aware of the negative effect of his silence.

He may think that in this way he will convey his innocence without scandals and screams. Here, silence in a relationship can only be interrupted by a frank conversation, calm and reasoned. Otherwise, you may not reach agreement.

If a loved one is silent, the option to go to a psychologist is also not bad. According to Isabelle Lever, a partner who fences himself off from the other with a wall of silence often cannot decide for himself the main question - is he ready to be part of a couple.

He constantly marks the distance. His position: "I'm not with you, but not apart." This condition may continue after marriage. This cannot be called a problem, but often requires a dialogue between the couple in the presence of a specialist.

Last but not least, gaslighting. You will not immediately understand the reasons and will look for flaws in yourself. Here you need to be extremely careful.

Constant psychological pressure through silence in a relationship indicates a partner's tendency to some sadism. For the gaslighter himself, this is not a problem, but the consequence for you may be a hospital room. Here again, the treatment of a partner by a psychologist or the courage to leave is appropriate. You choose.

Thus, silence in a relationship is not always a problem that needs to be addressed. Act according to the situation, but never ignore reality. The main thing is to understand in time why the person is silent and find the best options for getting out of the situation that apply specifically to your couple. And life will definitely get better.

Also on our portal you can find out a lot of useful information, for example, about or.

Today I would like to talk about how important it really is to SPEAK. Talk to each other about feelings, sensations, desires, about what you like or dislike, what you want, and what you are afraid of. And also learn to listen, giving the interlocutor the opportunity to tell you about the same.

In many, rather exemplary families, conflicts arise over time. And this, I must say, is quite normal: a manifestation of character, expressing one's point of view, dissatisfaction with something ... On the contrary, it's even good. It is a completely different matter when this happens as a result of a silent game. I mean a situation in which, for example, to the question: -What is happening? - the answer is heard - You yourself (a) know everything very well! Or: - Something happened? - with pronounced discontent follows the answer: - nothing!

Such a dialogue most often leads not only to long-term unresolved problems, but also, no matter how sad it may be, to the breakup of the family.

Silence is the main enemy and killer of relationships. Most often, it causes unnecessary suspicion, distrust, and resentment, therefore, scandals arise on the basis of jealousy, betrayal, and the search for communication on the side.

People who live in the same apartment just need to talk to each other. A calm discussion of the problem that has arisen is not only the key to resolving it, but also helps to bring two people who love each other closer together.

Unfortunately, a calm conversation does not always work out, everything happens too emotionally, and soon develops into a scandal. But that's also better than nothing. Just next time, try to control yourself, maybe if one of you stays calm, the other will realize that he is the only screamer (and therefore, perhaps not right), and will soon agree to talk without breaking the dishes.

Let the conversation not turn out right away, and feelings will overwhelm you and your interlocutor, it is still better than the silent accumulation of insults and tears shed on a cold pillow, secretly from everyone.

Talk to your loved one about everything, do not forget that you plan to spend your whole life with him, be extremely frank from the very beginning. This applies not only to everyday problems, but also to internal, emotional, intimate ones.

It often happens that during physical intimacy, people become closer to each other not only in body, but also in soul. At such moments, it is necessary to let the person feel how much he is dear to you. It is possible that it is after such a moment that a person close to you will offer to start all over again, discuss what interferes with your harmony, eliminate the problem-irritant ...

And remember: if the two of you have a problem, then both of you are to blame. You should not write yourself off and shift the blame to another, or vice versa, take the whole load on yourself. You must fight together for your happiness, and not destroy it one by one!

It is very important in a relationship to learn to forgive a loved one. I'm not talking about closing your eyes to anything, namely, to forgive. Closing your eyes is also a kind of silence, a pain deposited somewhere in the depths of your soul, which over time will become a heavy stone for you. Try to take the place of the person you love, look at everything through his eyes, including yourself, try to understand what he feels, what annoys him and why.

And remember, we are all living people, there are no ideal people among us, but each of us is unique, even if it is harmful or stupid, but this is what distinguishes us from everyone else. Do not be afraid of your shortcomings and do not judge others. Simply look at the world, and talk, talk to each other, then there will be fewer problems, and you will become much closer to the one you love.

Why was Robinson Crusoe so persistent in teaching Friday his language? Perhaps because only communication with another person gives us a sense of ourselves. Why do we so often feel like real Robinsons of the inner world, cannot find Friday who understands everything, and in response to aggression we close ourselves in a shell of silence? Is this protective silence really golden?

Wives, husbands, children, friends and business partners stop communicating for various reasons. What is behind this?

CHILDREN

At first, the children are not silent. Babies call attention to themselves by screaming. Five-year-olds ask questions almost every minute. Ten-year-olds learn to express themselves in a team. Fifteen-year-olds begin to worry about more global questions: “Who am I? Who am I with? What am I capable of? These questions are usually raised as well. Adolescents fall silent only when adults actively impose the “correct” answers. With whom it is necessary to be friends, what is important to strive for, what to spend time on, how to express one's love, especially love for parents - every teenager hears these father-mother's "recipes for life" many times a day. The only way to survive psychologically is to hide behind a wall of silence.

The first "veil of silence"- this is a way of self-defense from imposed opinions, decisions, assessments. So it's a way to protect your own identity.

HUSBANDS

A familiar picture - she speaks, makes noise, takes offense, cries, speaks again. He mumbles the usual "uh-huh" and continues to do what he did before. Sometimes he tries to consult, get support and approval. Still, the family is the same team, it is important that everything is coordinated and coordinated. But, unfortunately, instead of coordination of actions, a game with the conditional name "Who said last - the truth is behind it" often begins. A woman turns on all her acting skills and the gift of eloquence in order to hammer some understandable carnations in her husband's mind. And if at first a man tries to respond to these "carnations", then over time his enthusiasm evaporates. He prefers to do silently what he considers necessary.

The second "veil of silence"- this is an attempt to achieve the goal, not succumbing to the provocations of others. In this case, silence is a way to maintain the vector of personal activity.

WIVES

The silent wife is more of an anecdote than an everyday reality. And yet women sometimes also know how to remain silent. Why do mothers most often know about the misconduct of children and not always dads? Why is a woman more likely to tell her friend about some of her worries, anxieties, joys, and not her own husband?

The third "veil of silence"– maintaining the space of emotional comfort. In this case, silence becomes a watershed between “us” and “them”.

FRIENDS

The stereotypical notion of male friendship involves silence, and of female friendship, chirping. But if a man kept silent about something that could not be hidden from a friend? If a woman rattled secrets “out of friendship”, out of the same friendship she passed on all the gossip, then she said such nasty things in the same “friendly way” - will it be enough for more than one sleepless night? Indeed, it would be better to remain silent. But was it friendship?

In friendship, it is important to be able to be silent when you need to hear. Learning to speak up when remaining silent is akin to betrayal. Friendship is first of all an open dialogue of those who trust each other. And silence is just a pause in such a dialogue.

BUSINESS PARTNERS

If you want to intrigue your partner with unsaid information, be silent. If you want to provoke rash acts, put pressure on sore spots, add significance to something of little importance - also be silent. Finally, if you just don’t want to demonstrate your own position or you need to “save face” in a not very pleasant situation, be silent again.

Silence in business loses its original meaning of a pause in dialogue. Instead of a communication tool, it becomes a manipulation tool, often with fake gilding. Silence for the sake of intrigue, for mystery and forcing the situation, to emphasize one's own significance. Remember the catchphrase from the Soviet film “The Same Munchausen”: “An intelligent face is not yet a sign of intelligence, gentlemen. All the stupid things on earth are done with this facial expression. Smile, gentlemen. Smile."

Silence in business becomes golden only as an informational signal that there is nothing to talk about. The main rule here is to essentially speak, essentially to be silent. Everything else is silent puffing out to make yourself more important.

FAVORITE

"He suffered in silence" - such a formulation is familiar to our ear. And try to silently enjoy love! It's almost certain that it won't work. We can hide our own pain under seven locks. But it is very difficult to pack happiness and love there. Glowing eyes will give out. The smile at the corners of the lips will turn into laughter.

Silent love is more of a beautiful metaphor than reality. The one who is sure that his destiny is to love silently and imperceptibly, perhaps loves his own experiences more than another person. For some reason, I remembered the image of Pierrot from the tale of Pinocchio.

Silent love is a "ticket" to the space of personal suffering. Even if a person acquires this ticket unconsciously, he is guaranteed one hundred percent suffering.

FROST GAME

The most destructive silence is silence in response to a direct question, silence in a difficult situation when it is necessary to take responsibility. And it doesn’t matter in what area of ​​social life a person turns on this very “playing in the cold” - the result is always more “in the red” than “in the black”.

The Frost Game is one of the most losing games. As well as losing the use of silence for the illusory goals of social success. The language of actions, expressing the attitude towards another, "sounds" even when a person tries to "silence" information about himself. People respect an honest “no” more than a cowardly silent “maybe someday” with its false hopes and subsequently shattered illusions.

"WE DISCOVER" THE SILENT

Alexandra told me this story at the age of fifty-two, when she was completely confused in her relationship with her loved one.

“My dad left the family when I was ten years old. Surprisingly, I don't remember anything about my father. He tragically died when I was twenty. I remember a strange state at his funeral. I understood that this is a native person for me. I understood that in such cases people feel something - the bitterness of loss, a feeling of either farewell, or forgiveness, ordinary grief in the end ... But I did not feel anything.

And later, when at various trainings it was proposed to relive any childhood situations, I could not simulate and emotionally revive situations of interaction with my father. Any attempt to remember failed in the void. A hint on how to disenchant such a “lapse in memory” came at a fairly mature age. It so happened that the beloved man was far away, in another country. Modern means of communication made it possible to experience separation not so painfully - Skype, text messages, emails - all this gave a feeling of constant presence. Everyone in life has “black stripes”, such a period of continuous problems began with him. He started talking less and less. And my head turned off completely if the silence dragged on for more than a week.

And I started dreaming about my father. I saw him in my dreams in the house of my childhood - a small private house with two entrances, for two families. We live in one half of the house with my mother and brothers. In the other, my father with his new family, wife and young son. And again I see in a dream how I play in the yard of my childhood home. My father walks past me like I'm empty space. Because all those seven years that we lived together, neither my father nor his new wife spoke to me. How can I learn to perceive the silence of a person close to me not so painfully?

I don't want to comment on this story. Before choosing a strategy of silence in relationships with loved ones, ask yourself: if the person with whom you decided to play silence disappears from your life completely - what then?

If the prospect of his disappearance scares you, don't be silent. Better talk about the grievances. Or about the pain you feel. Even better, make it clear that you're willing to listen.

How to show your own indifference to someone who is silent? For example, when establishing contact with autistic children, at first, an adult simply is nearby and, in all available ways, shows interest in what is happening with the child, what he is doing and what he is doing. Often this method is also good for establishing contact with the “silent person”. Demonstration of interested attention with simultaneous respect for the right to remain silent: I see you, you are not indifferent to me, I understand your desire to remain silent and I patiently wait for the situation to change.

By the way, the woman whose story I told began to do just that. She periodically lets her friend know that she remembers him, understands his situation and patiently waits for his return. Apparently, now he is already beginning to wait for such confirmations of her devotion. But is it silence between them then?

Only communication with another person gives us a sense of ourselves. Any "shell of silence" will lose its strength in the warmth of attention, in the tenderness of touch.

Relationship between a man and a woman? Oh, it's always a miracle... but is it possible to build them without losing your mind? How, succumbing to the sweet temptation, the dream of a shelter and a warm home, cope with the understanding that a shelter is not a shelter at all, but an arena for everyday verbal battles? And how to strike a balance between silence and clarification of who is right and who is to blame? Built on interaction, relationships primarily involve the exchange of information, whether it be spending time together, ordinary communication or sex. Pauses play a certain role in all these flows of information, but sometimes silence is also appropriate. Is it an important part of a relationship, or is it worth fighting and avoiding?
In ninety percent of cases, silence implicitly contains a huge amount of information. It in no way represents only the absence of words - they are always silent about something. The partner may not even guess both about the reasons by which we induce his beloved, and about the most silent subject.
Speaking about the disadvantages of silence, representatives of many psychological schools agree on the need to discuss issues and problems that arise in relationships. Alienation accumulating in the process of silence leads to psychological exhaustion of partners, can worsen the quality of interaction and even cause the couple to break up. It should be noted that changes in the behavior of one partner are always obvious to the other, and if he does not give a visible reaction to such changes, this does not mean a guarantee that there will be no manifestation of reactions in the future. Another side of keeping silent about any issues, especially those based on jealousy, anxiety or resentment, is the risk of developing psychosomatic diseases. When the problem is serious enough, it is possible that the practitioner of silence now may be unpleasantly surprised by some disturbance in the functioning of the organism in the future, due to his long and long restraint.
However, these cases are still extreme. It is not always about acute problems and serious cases. Then people in pairs, even if they have a keen desire to talk about some small or current issue, may prefer not to bring it up for discussion. The advantages of withholding irrelevant information are not so obvious. Especially valuable in this case is women's silence, because. women, as you know, have a much more developed structure of speech centers compared to the male brain.
With this type of silence, a woman restores the energy balance in a couple. She, on the one hand, does not put pressure on a man with her desire to sort things out, on the other hand, she leaves some mystery, which, when interest fades in long-term relationships, can play the role of a spark that arouses interest again.
Thus, one can draw a generalizing conclusion about the benefits of silence and some distancing: in various cases, it can be both destructive and play a vital role for a healthy psychological climate. Of course, one should not be silent where the emotional, sexual or other needs of a person are not satisfied, where the level of expectations is critically higher than that provided by a partner. This will lead to nothing but mutual claims and other negative consequences. And vice versa, in order to maintain energy balance, it is often possible to at least dilute the dialogue with a small pause, which will help to avoid depleting the partner's mental resources. This will add zest to communication and enhance the personal attractiveness of the partner.