If you can't let the person go. The past is gone. All of us in this Life are both Students and Teachers
The return on investment method can be an effective way to solve a classic psychoanalytic problem that previously seemed almost insoluble.
The article is devoted a new approach to solving the problem of emotional dependence.
The idea is that emotional dependence is determined by the feelings or parts of the subject's personality "invested" in the object of dependence.These feelings or parts of the personality can be brought back withusing the method of emotional-figurative therapy(EOT), that leads to immediate and complete freedom from addiction.
Examples of specific correctional work with various cases of emotional dependence using this method are given. The possibilities of extending the method to many related areas of therapy are shown.
Emotional dependency is the loss of personal autonomy, or a sense of personal autonomy, for emotional reasons.
Subject of dependence:
1. Experiencing suffering due to the inaccessibility of the object of his feelings, or due to the inability to change his behavior, or due to inadequate power of the object over him;
2. Feels the impossibility of liberation from addiction;
3. The feeling that binds him has a chronic negative impact on the life path, general well-being, decision-making and behavior of the subject.
There are a lot of options for emotional addictions. This may be a love addiction to a specific person with whom the relationship has ceased or, on the contrary, cannot be terminated.
Maybe this dependence on the very feeling of love(erotomania), so that the object of feeling is not unique.
It could be addiction based on a sense of duty when, for example, a woman is afraid to leave an alcoholic or drug addict, because he will "disappear" without her, and she will feel guilty.
It could be addiction based on feelings of hatred or resentment when the connection does not stop, because these feelings do not find their resolution.
It could be dependence on mother (or other person) with which there was an emotional merger (confluence). In this case, the subject automatically experiences the same feelings as the object.
It could be dependency based on feelings of helplessness when the subject feels complete subordination to another person. For example, a girl may feel that she is psychologically still in the womb and afraid to face the real world.
It could be emotional dependence on a deceased person, with which the subject failed to say goodbye. This may be a dependence on a terrible or, conversely, a beautiful past in which this subject still lives.
It could be dependence on the future, in which the subject has invested his dreams and hopes. Etc. The subject may suffer for years from a feeling that makes him addicted, sometimes without even realizing it, sometimes resigned to it, and sometimes not wanting to part with it.
Psychological assistance in these cases is aimed at ensuring that the client moves from the state of dependence to state of independence and later, if he wishes, to a state of interdependence. The last name seems to us not very successful, although it is accepted in the literature.
One would think that both individuals would now become each other's slaves. But, it means that both will be free and, nevertheless, can feel the need for each other and can love each other without experiencing a constraining sense of coercion and limitation of opportunities.
Liberation is always accompanied by a feeling of lightness and lack of restrictions, a calm and balanced reaction to the behavior of another person.
Well, for example, if in the event of an unexpected breakup, a young man can say with the words of a cheerful song: "If the bride goes to another, then it is not known who was lucky."
Unfortunately, sometimes they say with anger: "So don't get you to anyone!" or "Did you pray before bed, Desdemona?" or with a depressive meaning: "My life is over."
Professional therapeutic help is often needed to heal a wound of the heart, and this is a lot of hard work.
But... Using the EOT method, we managed to find some quick and effective ways to solve a number of the problems listed above, to achieve a state of independence by an individual, which at the same time advanced us in understanding the essence of emotional dependence itself, the psychological mechanisms of its occurrence.
Example 1. "Blue ball".
At a seminar that I gave at an institute for third-year students, a student offered to help her with the problem of unrequited love. She had been under the influence of this feeling for two years now. Every day she only thought about "him", she lived purely mechanically, she was not really interested in anything, she could not love someone else, as her friends advised her. She visited a psychoanalyst at one time, but this did not help her at all.
To begin with, I invited her to imagine that the same young man was in the chair in front of her and describe the experiences that she was experiencing.
She replied that her whole body, her whole body, was madly attracted to him, and this feeling was localized in her chest. Further, following the basic scheme of therapy, I suggested to her imagine that feeling on the same chair where the young man “sat” before.
She replied that it was a bright blue ball, which, of course, belongs to her. At the same time, she wanted to throw this ball away, but she could not do it, because, according to her, then she just kind of died.
Already at this stage apparent cul-de-sac structure in which she was. She clearly wanted to repress the feelings that she suffered from, but at the same time she did not want to lose them. Her ability to love in the form of a blue ball was projected onto a young man, and she was deprived of contact with this part of the personality, therefore she felt apathy, she lived mechanically and could not love someone else.
This same projection created a powerful attraction to regain that blue orb.
Then I suggested to her that to get out of the impasse, try the options in turn:
1. Throw the ball out completely;
2. Accept it into yourself as part of your personality.
After that, it was possible to make sure which action would suit her best.
However, she showed strong resistance and flatly refused both options. In order to shake this rigid system, I invited the members of the group to participate in this process.
Each one in turn stood behind the girl and on her behalf made a speech in which he justified his decision to throw or accept this ball. This question affected everyone and everyone spoke very emotionally. After that, she still didn't make any decision.
Then I decided to aggravate the situation even more and applied the Gestalt therapy technique, inviting her to stand in the middle of the room, spreading her arms to the sides, and to everyone else to pull her in the direction of their decision and persuade her to do just that.
A serious fight flared up, for some reason all the men were in favor of throwing the ball away, and all the women were in favor of leaving it.
But the main action happened very quickly - the girl literally screamed: "I won't give it up for anything!" and rushed towards the group of women, although the men held her very tightly. Since the decision was made, I stopped the “game” and asked her how she felt.
Surprised, she admitted that she felt very well, and the ball is now in her heart.“But,” she added, it's not likely to last long. I suffered so much, and went to a psychoanalyst. And here in an hour ... Most likely it will all come back ...
I invited her to sit down and imagine that young man again.
– What do you feel now?
- Strange, I feel tenderness for him, but I do not suffer.
Can you let him go now? Tell him that you wish him happiness without you?
Yes, now I can!
and saidreferring to the image of a young man:
- I release you and wish you happiness regardless of me.
She saw how the image of a young man was moving away and melting, and this made her feel even better.
Now I offered her my interpretation: "The blue ball is your heart. It was given to a young man." I said that along with those feelings that she wanted to get rid of, she also threw away her own heart, which provides the ability to love and feel, so she was in apathy. Now that her heart is in place, she can not suffer and let go of this person, while maintaining warm feelings for him.
So Pushkin, in his famous poem, said goodbye to his beloved: "I loved you, love still, perhaps."
T how almost all situations are arrangedwith emotional dependency. We are always talking about the fact that, along with the loss of a beloved object, "break away" from a person andthose investments, which he once invested in it in the hope of receiving emotional "dividends".
He feels a loss, a part of his soul is lost.
He cannot create new relationships because there is nothing more to invest.
But investments in relationships make them reliable and significant, then relationships are valued.
If the other person reciprocates the first, then everyone is happy, and a strong emotional bond is established between them, providing a good basis for creating a family. When both sides of the process make mutual investments, then this ensures their happiness, they have not only a beloved object, but also their own investments, because they are also with them, if the relationship is not broken.
Moreover, with them are the investments that the "opposite side" made in them. It is pleasant for everyone to realize that he is dear to a loved one, that he is trying for you.
Of course, one cannot say that the heart of one individual really moves into the person he loves, and the latter disposes of it.
But it is not in vain that lovers so often say that they have given their heart to the one they love. As the poets write: "My heart is in the mountains, and I myself am below..."
In subjective reality, something is possible that does not occur objectively, however, it has a very real and objective impact on the life of the individual. If the subject has committed in his subjective world the introduction (the term "projection" is also suitable) of some part of his personality into another person, then he feels a constant connection with him, his dependence.
He is attached insofar as his feelings or part of the personality are firmly attached to another.
Freud said that as a result of fixation, part of the libido, but not part of the personality, is attached to the object or its image, as a result of which the object begins to have an emotional charge for this individual, this was called cathexis.
In his famous work "Melancholia" Freud says that the work of grief is that the libido is gradually taken away from the beloved but lost object. But he did not indicate that this libido fixation makes sense as an investment in the future.
And this is very important!In essence, this is a new theory of love.
Fixation does not occur because the object simply liked, the subject may like many people of the opposite sex and other objects. But there is no decisive choice, the subject does not "bet" on this particular person.
If he makes a bet , then this means that he firmly binds his fate, your happiness, your future with this person.
He invests the energy of his hopes and dreams in the future, hoping for a long life together, hoping to receive many dividends, for example, counting on sexual happiness, the birth and upbringing of children, an interesting life together, the approval of society, etc.
No wonder lovers ask each other: "Do you love me?", "Won't you stop loving me?" and so on. They want to make sure that their investments are "profitable" and reliable, and that they will also be invested in them.
Moreover, I have found in therapeutic practice that investment controls sexual desire, and not vice versa. Investments disappear - attraction disappears.
Example 2. "Bouquet of flowers".
A young man approached me.
“I can’t,” he says, “forget my first wife. She left me three years ago. She married a foreigner, left the country, gave birth to a child. For two years I was depressed, I abandoned my favorite sport, I didn’t want anything. I recently got married, but I can’t love my second wife like my first, everything seems to me first. I’m even ashamed in front of my second wife, but I can’t help myself.
- This means that you are still dependent on your first wife. You haven't released her yet.
– No, I have already suffered mine. I've been through it all in two years.
And we can easily check this.
How is that?
- But imagine that your first wife is sitting on a chair here. What do you feel?
- Never mind. I don't care.
- Then you can easily tell her: "Farewell, I wish you happiness in your personal life!
- No, for some reason I can’t say these words.
- Well, this means that you are addicted.
I explained the theory of investment to him and asked him to find an image of those feelings that he invested in his first wife, and which are still given to her. He said it was a beautiful bouquet of flowers.
– Are these your flowers?
– Yes, these are my wonderful feelings that I gave her.
“Take them away and let them enter your body where they want to go.
- This bouquet entered my chest, I felt so good. The energy is back. Somehow it is easier to breathe, and the hands themselves rise. I couldn't raise my hands after she left.
- Now look at this woman again (pointing to a chair).
- Strange, now it's just a woman, of whom there are millions.
- Can you now tell her: "Farewell, I wish you happiness in your personal life."
Yes, it's easy now.
“Then tell me and see what happens to the image.
– I speak and see how her image is removed and reduced. Completely disappeared, and even better. Now look at your second wife.
Yes, now it's different.
- Then you can give her a bouquet. However, as you wish.
- No, why...
He was obviously in a hurry, and after a short farewell he went home.
The return of the invested "capitals" back (into the body of the subject), when the destruction of relations has occurred, frees the subject and makes the beloved object neutral, the same as all other people. Neither Freud nor other well-known psychoanalysts and therapists describe methods that would be specifically focused on returning the feelings or parts of the personality lost by the subject, otherwise everyone would have known about this for a long time. It is quite understandable why such methods were not created.
Only the technology of emotional-image therapy is suitable for this, since it allows you to present the invested feelings in the form of an image and, through the return of this image to your own body, return the lost resources.
It is practically impossible to return feelings based only on verbal techniques.
Moreover, for most psychotherapists, the idea itself is not yet available due to the fact that a method in which feelings can be moved as an object, you can identify with them, take them into your body or let go, contrary to their traditional notions.
Example 3. Golden lump.
A young man came to me to find out his relationship with a girl. Their love began at the age of 15, it was strong and sincere. Even then they entered into a sexual relationship and were happy with each other. But the years went by, and it would be time to get married, but he was a poor student and could not provide for his family. Then she was offended and, abruptly breaking with her beloved, married a rich man. She gave birth to a child, but was not happy, she repented of her choice and soon began to seek restoration of relations with her former lover. She divorced her husband, but still her main aspiration was money and a career. The young man no longer wanted reconciliation with her, but he could not free himself from his former feelings, could not resist her perseverance, although he no longer trusted her love. Now he could already support his family, but did not want to connect his life with his ex-girlfriend.
At first I thought that it just speaks resentment, pride. Maybe you should help him forgive his unfaithful lover and reconnect with her?
But he was firm in his intention to free himself from this emotional dependence.
He was convinced of the girl's low morality and believed that she was manipulating him.
He doesn't could not understand how she could have neglected his wonderful feelings before to hurt him so much. He himself would never take the initiative to restore relations.
The first session was used to clarify all the circumstances of the case and to make a final decision on what to do.
At the beginning of the second meeting, the young man again confirmed that he had not the slightest intention of restoring the relationship, but needed help so that he would no longer be drawn to her, so that he would be freed from this addiction and suffering.
Following the theoretical notions that emotional dependence rests only on those psychological "capitals" that this subject "invested" in a loved one, I suggested to the client create an image of these feelings in front of you.
After thinking, the young man said that these feelings are like a huge golden ball, from which a thread sticks out, connecting it with a balloon above.
We determined that this ball symbolizes the girl to whom he gave his feelings, hoping to keep her with these feelings.
After that, I suggested that the client absorb this lump, that is, his feelings, into himself again, as his energy.
At first he did not understand how this could be done. I suggested that he invite them back into his body, but he did not succeed.
Suddenly he found the solution himself:
– I have to enter this com myself! Because he is bigger than me.
- Well, do it.
In his imagination, he entered this lump and felt that the previously lost feelings enveloped him from all sides, like a golden radiant aura, they filled his entire body inside, and the ball flew off and hung somewhere to the side.
– These feelings even protect me, I feel strength and independence. Now these feelings belong to me, and I can freely dispose of them, I can send them to someone else. And how could she neglect such wonderful feelings?
How do you feel about this girl now?
“You know, I really don’t care now. I don’t even want to drive a Mercedes in front of her to take revenge. I'm really free.
- We should meet again to make sure that the result is really sustainable. Maybe some tweaking is needed.
No, I'm absolutely sure. If necessary, I will call you again. He left me with a very confident and strong gait, he did not call again.
A comment:
This case, like the previous one and many others, shows that the subject can, with the help of conscious actions in relation to the image of their feelings really return them to themselves, and thereby gain liberation from emotional dependence.
Traditionally, psychotherapists believe that a partner with whom a relationship has been destroyed should be mentally (and / or actually) said goodbye and released.
However, it is not so easy to say goodbye, because the heart, soul and feelings still remain with the one to whom they are presented, with whom they are connected.
Before you let go, you must return your "investment", otherwise nothing will work.
Sometimes it happens in some spontaneous way, but for the most part, the problem of emotional dependence remains extremely difficult to solve, apparently due to a lack of understanding of the importance of this aspect and the lack of appropriate technologies.
Often psychotherapists suggest mentally tearing or cutting the connecting thread, mentally driving away the former spouse, etc. These mechanical methods sometimes give liberation, but since people are connected not by threads, but by feelings, then for the most part there is no solution, or this solution is partial and unstable.
The return of feelings and parts of the personality with the help of a visual image of these feelings or parts of the personality does not cause resistance, since the individual does not lose anything.
There is also nothing morally reprehensible in this action, because it does not harm the object of love and does not drive him away, does not refuse him. However, after that it is quite possible to let go of an object that is no longer endowed with an irresistible attraction.
However, the subject may have additional motives for not doing what the therapist will encourage him to do, and this creates new difficulties and features of the work.
The therapist needs to learn how to overcome or circumvent the client's resistance on the path to his release.
Example 4. "Fearful dove".
The girl could not forget the young man who left her two years ago. Every evening she imagined that he was next to her, and it was painful. Of course, I asked her about the reasons for the breakup, and about the desirability and possibility of reconciliation. Everything indicated that it was necessary to finally say goodbye and let go of the former lover.
I immediately invited her to imagine that part of her personality or those feelings that she "invested" in her beloved, and which she lost with his departure.
She immediately replied that it was a dove.I explained that the dove usually symbolizes the soul, and asked if she was ready to return this dove, to accept it back as part of her personality? ABOUTshe confirmed that the dove she clearly imagined was indeed part of her personality, but for some reason he was afraid to go to her.
Why not?
Because I'm clipping his wings.
– Why are you doing this?
- Well, of course, so that he does not fly away.
This is the first difficulty. It was necessary to explain to the girl that the soul cannot fly away from itself, that it would still belong to her. And also the fact that the more you hold someone captive, the more he breaks out.
All this has been explained, but since the criterion of truth is experience, I suggested to her for the sake of experiment explain to the pigeon that the girl will no longer clip his wings.
This statement had an effect, the dove already wanted to return to the girl, but was still afraid.
No assurances from the girl, to which I pushed her, did not help.
This is the second difficulty. Carefully observing the words and intonations of the client, I suddenly realized that in fact, it was she herself who was afraid of the dove.
She was afraid of his freedom, afraid that he might lead her feelings again.
The same fear made her clip the dove's wings, so this is a new and at the same time old difficulty, but a new approach is needed.
Then I suggested that the girl paradoxically declare to the pigeon that she herself would no longer be afraid of him.
The girl was surprised, because she was convinced that it was the dove who was afraid of her.
Without explaining, I insisted that this was a paradoxical technique and that it should be tried.
She obeyed, and the dove immediately fluttered into her chest. The girl breathed much more deeply and freely, her eyes lit up, she felt better, and all her fears disappeared.
Now that she had introduced her former friend, she felt completely free of him.
Now she could easily say goodbye to him and absolutely confidently confirmed that she was no longer suffering and not addicted. A week later, she once again confirmed the positivity and stability of this result.
A comment:
In this example, we have analyzed two possible difficulties which can be encountered when returning invested feelings:
1. The individual commits some violence against the invested part of the personality (i.e., over himself), as a result of which she loses confidence in him (in himself);
2. The individual is afraid of the return of a part of the personality, fearing that it will let him down or control him, etc.
There is an internal split and fear of unsuccessful control over oneself.
From this and other cases, we can conclude that the subject of emotional dependence sometimes experiences a feeling of insecurity in himself, does not value himself, does not trust his feelings or abilities.
He sometimes resists being freed from the addiction he complains about because he fears that he will make new mistakes when he is free, or that he will not be needed by anyone, will not find anyone, etc.
The method can be applied to a number of other problems, with slight modifications of the technique, we call it extensions of the area of application of the method, but more simply, the extension of the method.
Method extension:
1. Emotional dependence and psychosomatics
Emotional dependence can give rise to psychosomatic symptoms, which the individual regards not as a consequence of dependence, but as a somatic ailment, with which he sometimes seeks medical help, but the latter does not give any results.
Here are two examples showing how this can happen:
Example 5. "Spider on the back".
At one of the seminars, I invited students to show their work.
The student asked to solve her psychosomatic problem. She experienced constant and severe back pain, this prevented her from sleeping normally, her back hurt in any position. She sought help from doctors, but they could not help her.
I invited her to imagine the image of this pain.
She saw the pain as a huge spider sitting on her back..
Since the spider usually symbolizes a man, I suggested that she had some serious problem in her relationship with a man. It turned out that her friend is a drug addict, and she is trying to save him from this addiction, but she cannot do anything.
She tries to break off relations with him, but is also unable to get rid of him.
We tried various tricks to get rid of the spider on her back, but nothing worked to get her out of this emotional dependency.
She understood that she still would not be able to save him, that she was sacrificing her health and fate, but for some reason "could not" let him go.
Then I invited her to answer the question on behalf of the spider: "Does he need to be rescued and dragged on his back somewhere, where, perhaps, he is not going?"
Answering for him, the girl realized that he really didn’t need it at all, and therefore he resisted.
Immediately she was able to let go of the spider, it disappeared, and the back pain disappeared at the same moment. On the same evening, she broke off all relations with the drug addict.
After some time, she met another man, got married, had a baby, lives happily ever after. Since then, her back has never (at least for the next 4 years) never hurt.
She told me this story 4 years after the session, which I even forgot about.
A comment:
It is clear that breaking off the relationship is a student could not from a falsely understood sense of duty in front of this young man, she hoped for some miracle and was afraid to be responsible for his further fall.
Therefore, she did not sincerely apply the techniques that were offered to her initially.
After answering the proposed question on behalf of the "spider", she realized that he did not need to be saved, and his further fall was predetermined by his own desire, she was not responsible for this.
She realized that she was dragging him on her back against his will. Such immediate awareness, which could not be achieved by any of the therapist's arguments, allowed her to let go of this person, to stop being indebted to him and to strain her back to save him.
Therefore, the back went away immediately and no longer hurt, and she was able to really part with this person, get rid of emotional dependence, really give up a false sense of duty. On the one hand, this is a case of psychosomatic illness, on the other hand, it is a case of emotional dependence based on a sense of duty.
But it is important to understand that the realization of the senselessness of her "feat" led to disappointment, respectively, the girl immediately took her investment, one might say, automatically.
Example 6. "25 years of heartache".
A 70-year-old woman suffered from chronic pain in her heart, she had to stop from time to time on the way to rest. Periodically, she became so ill from a heart spasm that she feared for her life. These phenomena began to happen to her 25 years ago, after the death of her beloved man, whose unofficial wife she was, there were no more men in her life.
His death was a heavy blow for her, but she believed that she had already been able to survive this grief and fully recovered.
I invited her to imagine an image of the heartache she was experiencing.
The image of pain was like a blade, even a bayonet. She was very surprised when I suggested that her heart condition was related to that old psychological trauma.
- It can't be, 25 years have passed. Then, of course, I was very worried, but I have long calmed down.
“Well then, it will be very easy for you to let go of this blade.
- Yes, I let him go, but he does not leave.
- Well, try again.
Still, he doesn't disappear.
- So you once gave him something very valuable to you and have not returned it until now. Can you imagine what it looks like?
– This is my wounded bloodied heart.
Is that really your heart?
- Yes, of course, mine!
“Are you willing to return it to your body so that it falls into place?”
- Yes, but he has such a wound, I'm afraid that it will make me feel bad.
– No, when you accept it, then only then can you cure it. To do this, just tell him that you allow him to heal, you will no longer hurt him.
- Yes, it has entered its place and gradually heals.
“Tell me when it heals completely.
- Yes, it's already healed. I somehow felt better.
“Now look back at the blade.
- And he is no more! He himself disappeared.
A comment:
From this case, it follows that emotional dependence can persist for many years, although the individual may not even be aware of it. Moreover, he does not suspect that his physical ailment is a consequence of this addiction.
Expansion 2. Emotional addiction and confluence
Many cases of dependence are determined by early fusion with the mother, but not only with the mother, although in practice this is the most common case.
Most often this happens with girls. An adult is still a small child, feeling with the feelings of another person, not knowing how to feel himself a separate being and how to stand on his own two feet.
The trouble is that he does not even know how to feel differently, he has never had the experience of independence, and he is afraid of such a state or considers it somehow immoral, a betrayal of his mother.
At the same time, he may suffer from the fact that he always makes decisions and builds his personal life in accordance with the opinion of his mother, painfully experiences any of her whims or illnesses, is in despair at the mere thought of her death, always feeling guilty about her etc.
It is very difficult to get rid of such an addiction, and in my practice I have repeatedly met with these difficult cases.
Standard verbal therapy is usually very lengthy, but the technique of emotional-image therapy already described shows great promise.
P example 7. "Merge with Mom".
A woman, about 35 years old, with a child of her own, made the following request at the workshop:
Her whole life was permeated with a sense of her insignificance and dependence in her feelings and decisions on her mother. Mother's needs and opinions were more important than her own, the slightest illness of mother caused tragic experiences, and the thought that mother would die caused the idea that one could not live after that.
Mom lived separately, but, nevertheless, her influence on her daughter remained unconditional and inadequate. . She felt that something was wrong in their relationship, but did not understand what was wrong. The main line of work was aimed at helping a woman to realize what part of her personality did she hand over to her mother when she was a child and why?
It turned out that it was her little baby heart and despite the certainty that this is the heart her, she experienced great difficulties in order to return him to herself. Finally, she returned this heart to her body, immediately her train of thought changed.
She suddenly realized that her mother, it turns out, is a separate person from her, her mother has her own personal history, which included her first husband and other circumstances, that her mother has her own character and her own delusions.
But most of all, she was struck by the immediate feeling of her separateness and independence.
As she mastered this new subjective reality that opened up to her, the small heart in her chest grew and gradually turned into an adult large and full-fledged heart, which she was psychologically deprived of.
Now she realized that she could feel on her own and make decisions according to her needs, which was new and wonderful.
A comment:
Thus, the return on investment method can be effective in the case of confluence as well.
In the case of a merger, other techniques can be used and are successfully used. Quite often there are cases when the client is psychologically inside the mother's womb (this is expressed in the form of an egg, a bag, a vat or a cave inside which he is located) - he refuses to be born.
Here you can go in different ways, for example, you can imitate your birth in your imagination (however, traditional methods of symbol drama, psychodrama and bodily therapy are also suitable), but in our practice we have developed a paradoxical approach that allows us to solve this problem in some cases unexpectedly simply.
We inform the client that then it is he who holds the mother's womb with which he naturally agrees.
After that, we invite him to let go of the womb, referring to its image with the appropriate words.
If this is not enough, then the previous method of returning embedded feelings is added to this procedure.
Example 8. "Let go of the mother's womb."
At the seminar, I suggested that the group members do a mental exercise, enter the "Health" circle, the reactions were different, but mostly positive.
However, one participant, a young girl, said that for some reason she saw herself in some vat, in immobile anemic state, tried to get out, eventually saw herself in the sea, but she was also in an anemic state.
I said to this that, most likely, she had a difficult birth, or there is an emotional dependence on her mother.
To which she replied that both were true.
"You should let go of your mother and her womb," I advised, "because only you are holding them, not they you. But this will require a lot of work. We will deal with this later if you want."
After that, I moved on to discussing the impressions of other members of the group.
After a few minutes, the girl jumped up and began to walk back and forth in excitement within the circle of the group.
Naturally, I asked what was happening to her and whether she wanted to discuss her problem?
She replied that she had already taken my advice and, that she will do everything herself.
I continued to work with the group, and the girl either walked in a circle, then stopped and cried. Gradually she calmed down and sat down in her seat.
At the next seminar a couple of months later, she confirmed that she had indeed solved her problem, that her dependence on her mother and her womb had disappeared.
A comment:
This case illustrates another addiction release technique, where the client releases the object they think is holding it.
For example, an individual sometimes claims to be "in prison" and cannot get out of it no matter how hard he tries. Then he is invited to release his prison!
The prison collapses and the client is set free. Then he realizes that he created his own prison.
But when he releases the womb or prison, it means that he stops investing in this object and automatically returns them to himself.
This technique should sometimes be combined with the previous one.
First, return the lost parts of the personality, and then let go of the object of your addiction. If you manage to let go (it is unacceptable not to drive away violence), then this will be the criterion for the success of work on the return of investments.
If, however, it is only possible to forcibly break the connection, then this means that it is not really broken.
Extension 3. Dealing with fixation on the past and hopes for the future
Parable: The tiger chased the man. He ran away from him and fell into the abyss, caught on some root sticking out of the mountainside, and hung on it. Looking down, he saw that another tiger was waiting for him below. Then a small mouse ran out of the mink, next to the root, and began to gnaw on the root. When there was very little left for the root to break off, the man suddenly saw a small strawberry growing on the slope right in front of his face. He tore it off and ate it.
This is where the parable ends and usually no interpretation is given and people understand it very crookedly, for example, as evidence that our life is full of suffering, there are only small joys.
However, its meaning is directly opposite to this gloomy outlook on life, and it is very easy to understand, the first tiger is the past from which a man flees in terror, the second tiger is the future, which man always fears.
The root is the root of life, but small mouse - relentless time.
And here little strawberry is a moment of the present, and when a person ate it, he got into the present moment of time and gained enlightenment.
Because in the present there is neither past nor future, which means that there are no fears and sufferings, there is only beautiful present that can last forever.
Therefore, in order to get rid of suffering, it is often necessary to simply return from the past or the future.
Example 9. "Return from the past".
The young man, who was a successful businessman, made a lot of money, but his firm did its job and was disbanded.
He did not find himself in the present, did not feel the meaning of life, although he had a family and so much money that he could no longer work.
It turned out that he only thought about how good it was when he led a successful company.
He met with old friends, and they only talked about how good it was then. I told him that he was apparently stuck in the past and asked what he had left there.
-"Yes, I'm all there." he exclaimed.
I suggested that he see himself in the past and bring this himself back here to the present. "
- "But he doesn't want to. He feels so good there. He sits in a big office, signs important papers, does good deeds. He doesn't want to come back to me."
- "Explain to him, - I say, - that he is clinging to the illusion that this is already nothing. He lives in an illusory world, deceiving himself, but you can live here for real."
- "Oh, as soon as I told him, he ran straight to me. He entered my body. I felt good somehow. Why am I smiling? You know, I just never smile like that."
What's in the article:
After parting, a difficult period usually follows, when all thoughts and thoughts still return to the former - a person with whom until recently a lot was connected ... How to let a person out of his thoughts?
How to stop thinking about your ex?
I suppose that everyone who has experienced a breakup is familiar with this feeling - as if the person did not part with you forever, but ... well, he moved away from you a little. Went on vacation, for example. And maybe even about to return (what you secretly hope for...). And so thoughts stubbornly return to him - this is what he should have said, this is how he should talk, this is how he should talk about it, this is how he should have behaved ... Although the mind tells that all this no longer makes the slightest sense, but thoughts order... How to deal with this, and how to start living without looking back at a person who has long been going through life in his own separate way?
Psychologists advise - to let a person out of his thoughts, stay less alone with yourself. Communicate with people - different, close and not so, maintain old friendships and make new ones ...
The only thing you should protect yourself from is nostalgic crying into your girlfriends’ vests on the topic “ahh, why did he leave me, I love, I can’t, how can I live without him, mommy? ..”. The fact is that such “evenings of memories” do not bring absolutely any relief, but, on the contrary, exacerbate the situation - you again plunge into the abyss of experiences, shake up the past ... And in fact, it is best to try to forget a person, without unnecessary and belated analysis, which What went wrong and what could be done to fix it.
The fact is that memories of past relationships are not an abscess that needs to be picked up and opened. Rather, they can be compared to a healing wound, which has already begun to crust, and it is not necessary to touch it again. Therefore, the advice from the site Koshechka.ru is this: in order for the “healing” to happen faster, be interested in anything else - but not thoughts about an ex-boyfriend!
It's great if you start a new relationship. Or at least make new friends. Be like dates, have fun - without thinking that you are urgently looking for a man for a serious relationship (unless you really want to start a new serious romance just yet). And by the way, not every psychologist will give you this advice: have sex with anyone other than your ex-boyfriend. Of course, it is somewhat incorrect to insist on such a solution to the problem, but this advice usually works great in real life - attachment to a new sexual partner does not necessarily arise, but it becomes much easier to let go and forget the past.
What to do to get over a breakup as soon as possible?
There are three more very effective "vents" if you find it difficult to stop thinking about an ex-man and let him go, namely:
- Work or study;
- Trips;
- Creation.
Keeping your brain busy with work issues will help you get distracted, and if you achieve any career and financial success at the same time, then your self-esteem will increase - and you will begin to love yourself more and get less obsessed with completed relationships! It is not uncommon for a woman, after parting with her husband or boyfriend, to begin to actively realize herself in her career - and soon she clearly understood that the former man was far from being so good, and she deserved a much better person next to her!
Traveling, changing habitats and new experiences are also great: psychologists advise to let go of the person you broke up with, go to some new place. Just do not return to those places that you associate with your ex-boyfriend or husband - for example, to the resort where you spent your vacation together.
And if you are a creative person, it may help to experience difficult emotions for you through the type of art that you do. Many writers, poets, musicians, etc. created their best works just in the periods after painful breaks with a loved one - emotions remained in the work, but went out of your head ... Even if you are not fond of anything like that, perhaps it's time to try and start a new hobby!
Of the uniquely useful activities that help to cope with painful emotions for you and “let go” of the person with whom you broke up, sports and dancing can be noted. Not only does this have a positive effect on the figure and self-esteem - physical fatigue after class displaces sad thoughts from the head. Yes, perhaps you are lazy now, you are not in the mood, or you consider such types of activity to be something “not yours” - but sometimes it’s even worth overpowering yourself, and still choose at least a relatively appealing type of physical activity.
Oddly enough, but usually those women who have children endure parting more easily. This is understandable - it is psychologically easier for them to let go of the ex-man, since in most cases the child is their priority attachment. In addition, caring for a child takes time, requires both physical and emotional strength - and this is exactly what you need if your head is full of unnecessary sorrows and sad thoughts!
Dubious advice on how to let go of a person from thoughts
Both psychologists and non-psychologists sometimes give all sorts of recommendations on how to get rid of thoughts about a former beloved man: and among these tips you can find the most diverse, sometimes very strange, rituals and events. But let's talk about the most common of them.
For example, about advice, it is indicative to destroy things associated with an ex-boyfriend or husband: some objects in the house associated with him, clothes he forgot, joint photos, etc. Sometimes you really want to do this - for example, in order to somehow get rid of a strong resentment against the former. But if the guy left, and you still have a lot of warm feelings for him, then such a barbaric destruction of things still dear to your heart will, on the contrary, be too painful, and will be remembered as an additional sad moment. So if you still can’t say that you completely stopped loving your ex-man, then just fold these objects and hide them so that they catch your eye less often, and decide their further fate later when you can look at them without much emotion.
They also say that it’s easier to forget and let go if you write on paper some text that negatively characterizes your ex-boyfriend or husband - for example, his bad character traits, or cases that make you offended by him, etc. . But this is not an effective practice at all - because you will only irritate your soul with memories, and even if you remember something negative, then continue to occupy your head with thoughts about this person ...
And in fact, in order to let go of the past, you need to deal with your present, in all its aspects!
How wonderful it is when a loved one reciprocates, and you gladly give him your love. But, unfortunately, this is not always the case, and some of you may have encountered unrequited love in life. How do you let go of the person you love? How can you wish him happiness with another woman if your heart hurts at the mere thought that he will love someone else?
First you need to figure out if you really love him. After all, the desire to be with a person, even against his will, has nothing to do with true sincere love. When one person loves another, he wants only the best for him and tries to do everything to make his beloved happy. But if your lover wants you to leave him alone, and you seize every opportunity to still be alone with him, then you satisfy your selfish needs, and do not show love in any way! True love is expressed in selflessly doing something good to a person. For him, not for yourself.
If the object of your desire wants to end the relationship, and you strive to change his decision and achieve the opposite, then you are obviously guided by the desire to do good for yourself, and not for him. Realizing this is very, very important. Such awareness is the first key to answering the question: “How to let go of the person you love?”.
The next step is acceptance. If you love a person, then you respect his feelings, his desires, his position. Does he not want to be with you? Accept his decision with gratitude. Tell him thanks for all the good things that happened between you. Through tears, through pain, through resentment. He gave you an invaluable feeling of love, an experience necessary for later life, which, with the right approach, will help you become a wise person.
Once you've realized what true love is and accepted his choice with gratitude, it's time to move on to the forgiveness stage. Is it worth talking about why forgiveness is not just important, but vital? Until you forgive your lover for all the pain he has caused you, your heart will be closed to a new relationship. It will be busy caring for the resentment you are about to nurture in your soul. And resentment, like poison, always slowly but surely poisons the entire body, killing it. As a result, we will see before us an unhappy, sick and lonely woman who could not forgive. To avoid such a sad fate, farewell!
When there is no resentment left in your heart, you can move on to the last step if you do not know how to let go of the person you love. This is cleansing. Any strong feeling binds the beloved at the level of the heart chakra with a powerful energy channel. In order to break this channel and stop supplying the hero of your novel with your precious energy, you need to cleanse yourself. This is done with the help of special practices and meditations, which you can find in my new book, Healing Loneliness.
I sincerely hope that the above recommendations have helped you not only let go of your loved one, but also open your heart to meet your destiny. And she will certainly give you a happy future.
There are situations in life when parting with a loved one is inevitable. And not everyone is able to painlessly survive this moment. It is impossible to completely and immediately forget the chosen one, especially after a long relationship. But to facilitate this life period is quite within the power of everyone. At such a moment, the main thing is to tune in to the right “wave”. The advice of psychologists, effective methods of working on oneself can help.
SHOCK! GET 150,000 INSTAGRAM SUBSCRIBERS Started a new service Absolutely free watch >>
- the partner does not have reciprocal feelings (sooner or later this can be felt on an intuitive level);
- partners are not connected by anything except intimacy (passion passes with time, and there must be something uniting in a relationship);
- there is no trust on the part of a loved one (it is one of the main criteria for a successful and lasting union);
- the chosen one has a feeling of selfishness (an unloving person thinks only of himself).
- learn to live according to your own interests;
- stop controlling and not interfering in the personal life of a loved one;
- enjoy life;
- do not hold anger and resentment;
- do not try to take revenge;
- be ready to meet a new person;
- learn from what happened.
- there are no meetings with him;
- comes the realization that there will be no happiness with him;
- there is a radical change in the situation (place of residence, work);
- there are new hobbies and hobbies;
- around a lot of communication with friends, relatives.
- put thoughts in order;
- focus on your interests;
- rebuild the inner world;
- grow as a person;
- take care of yourself;
- 1. It is necessary to give free rein to emotions. If you want, you need to cry, get angry, scream, sob. You can take paper and write on it all the thoughts that arise in your head, throw out your negativity on it.
- 2. After that, it is worth calming down a bit, assess what is happening soberly. Sit down and write down the pros and cons of past relationships, but no need to embellish.
- 3. It is important to sincerely wish your loved one all the best and thank you for the wonderful moments.
- 4. No need to look for someone to blame for what happened. But you don't need to dig into yourself.
- 5. It is worth getting rid of things that will remind you of this relationship.
- 6. You should change your image (hairstyle, clothes, etc.).
- 7. You need to look for new hobbies, make acquaintances.
- 8. It is recommended to learn to enjoy every day you live, to enjoy the pleasant little things.
- 9. It is necessary to make plans for the future, to dream.
Show all
Why shouldn't you keep your loved one?
Letting go of the one you love is very difficult. Most women think that if you put in some effort, you will get a reciprocal feeling. But you can't force love.
Signs, the appearance of which indicates that it is worth breaking off the relationship:
If at least one of the above signs is present, then you should think about parting. And the sooner this happens, the better.
How to break up with a guy
What does it mean to let a person go?
Letting go of a loved one is not always or forgetting. That means:
You should not keep a partner near you who does not have mutual feelings. This will not bring happiness and joy to either one or the other.
How to do it?
Realizing that feelings should be mutual, you should not resist, you need to let go of your chosen one.
After the departure of a loved one, it is important to forgive him. After all, it is not his fault that he could not reciprocate.
What happened should be taken as an invaluable experience, as a chance to build new harmonious relationships. Painful sensations in the soul will help personal growth, make you appreciate and respect yourself.
How to prove to a guy that you love him
How to forget?
Not thinking about a man or a woman is easier when:
When a clear understanding comes that there is no chance that a loved one will return, it is worth:
Human psychology proves that throwing a loved one out of thoughts and hearts is not so easy. Letting go of your love should be gradual.
After parting, it is necessary to go through all the stages of the breakup, you should not suppress and hide your emotions. Psychologists give the following advice:
After passing through these stages, the pain from unrequited love will subside and everything will be forgotten.
Resentment, claims, anger, indignation. Few can say that they have never experienced it. Many of these emotions and reactions leave deep wounds in the Soul for a long time. Sometimes they unbearably hurt, and constantly remind of themselves.
How to forgive and let go of a person? And why is it necessary to do so?
Reason #1
I have already written that most of the beliefs we receive in childhood. We do not remember any injuries - they were too small.
But they do not disappear anywhere, and one of our "Selves" is frozen at the age of the injury: several years, months or even days (there are also earlier injuries when the baby is in the womb).
And no matter how old we are - 20, 30, 40, or maybe 80 - as soon as a similar situation arises in life, resonating with previous experience, a small, traumatized child wakes up in us, and the emotion that he experienced at that moment.
We get enough trauma throughout our lives. But this is no reason to consider yourself an unfortunate Victim.
Let's try to look at everything that happens to us from the other side.
Perhaps this will seem unusual to someone.
Our Soul comes to this world to receive its Lessons and survive the chosen one. Emotional Experience. Therefore, we are born in a certain country, at a certain time, to certain parents.
And everyone's life start is different. It is at the beginning of the Path that we receive, which form our subsequent experience.
Our task is to understand: which of them are true, and where we are mistaken.
The problem is that if we believe in something, then we no longer question our belief and act as if it were the Truth!
Our Reality always reflects our Beliefs!
For example, if a little girl has the idea that she is not loved (or betrayed), she will unconsciously attract situations and people into her life who will confirm this every time.
The more evidence, the stronger her Persuasion will be! And the stronger it is, the more similar situations!
This will continue exactly until Illumination comes: "It's not about my Offenders! It's about my Beliefs!"
If we look from these positions, we should feel Gratitude to the Souls of those people whom we have attracted into our life scenario. They played in it exactly the role that we have prepared for them.
They show us what we need to pay attention to. And as soon as we understand and accept it, such situations disappear from our lives. They are no longer relevant. The behavior of the former "Offenders" is also changing. After all, Lesson learned!
So, ask your "Offenders" Forgiveness and Thank them!
Indeed, in relation to someone, we can play exactly the same Role (although we do not realize this)!
All of us in this Life are both Students and Teachers!
We are used to judging our own and other people's actions only from the point of view of social laws, social norms and formed ideas: "How is it right?" But there are also laws of the Universe.
Sometimes it is worth rising a little above our Grievances and seeing the Higher Meaning of what is happening to us.
When we look from the position of the Victim, one picture unfolds before us. And although it is not very encouraging, many people get stuck in this position. And they do not admit to themselves or others that it is beneficial to them (you can always blame someone).
If we become an Explorer, we see much more interconnections! And not just one picture, but the Whole Panel.
When viewed from the position of the Researcher, the question is: " How to forgive and let go of a person? "Maybe it will go away on its own.
Because the understanding will come that: "I am the Director of my Life. So is it worth being offended by your own Creation?"
Reason #2
ALL THE BEST!
WITH THANKS! ARINA
