Harmony of family relations. Councils for the harmonization of family relations. The history of the concept of "harmony in the family"

One of the effective ways to harmonize family relations is the way to strengthen words, ideas, actions that harmonize the family as a family community, their relationships and the aura of the environment. Even a well-known scientist, a developer of functional systems, Academician P.K. Anokhin paid great attention in his writings to a deeper analysis of the word "interaction". Using numerous examples, he proved that "interaction" is possible only as the interaction of the elements of a system or systems with each other.

Only in this way complex systems achieve their result of development and it is possible to achieve harmonization, synergy, plasticity, cooperation of friendly ties in any interaction. Mutual co-action is a universal sign of harmony. Harmony is first of all an attitude, a correlation. In music, harmonious melodies are achieved by the ratio between intervals in a chord, joint sound, in harmonious ratios between intervals of sounds. A small change, and we hear that the chord sounds out of tune or, conversely, reaches a clear sound. A slight change in sound ratios, and we get a major or minor sound. Knowledge and o-consciousness of understanding the meaning of words in harmonizing family relationships can be turned into a play on words that fill the family aura with joy. The word "joy" has the prefix "ra". It is also known that in the Vedic literature Ra is the god of the Sun.

Hence, the pronunciation of words containing "ra" can and should be recognized as saturation, filling the surrounding family space, home, interaction of children, spouses with each other - joy, sunshine of communication. The word "Garden" can also be considered as a way of harmonizing family relations. At present, a lot of literature has appeared illustrating beautiful gardens, nature. The word "Garden", "Gardener" can sound like a metaphor for the transformation of family relationships into harmonious ones, where each member of the family community can bring a harmonious sound into harmonious personal space and families. It can fill it with beauty, the fragrance of sounds, words, co-participating in mutual co-action, self-co-creating the beauty of harmony as a creator. The idea of ​​the "Garden" in real life can fill and transform seed relationships into harmonious ones. Imagine a mother, father, a family in which from childhood they play with the child and among themselves in the names of words with a beautiful name and meaning. And you will feel how you yourself are filled with joyful color and light, how it becomes interesting for children to live in such a family, how parents and children learn to pronounce “flower words”. Games with a bias towards a harmonious side have been known for a long time.

The game captivates, educates, develops. So many adults still remember the children's "flower games" of the 50-90s. The children sat and said: “I was born a gardener, I was seriously angry, I was tired of all the flowers, except ...” and the names of the flowers were called: roses, carnations, lilacs, jasmine and other flowers. This is how the flowers of the garden were known, this is how a simple children's game laid in the child's soul the knowledge of the names of flowers, plants, trees. Developed a collective creative game, brought the players together. So it can bring together family relationships. You can remember how near the house in the fresh air, parents, being children themselves, played wonderful games: hopscotch, skipping rope, shtandera (ball game), participating in a healthy lifestyle (HLS). The children breathed fresh air. These games filled the space around kindergartens, schools, houses, dachas. It turns out that parents gave children mutual assistance to their health, creative development. Children did not just belong to the street, but received from their parents collective participation, "good", educational process. As we see for the formation and transformation

sometimes you need very little and actions do not involve any expensive methods and solutions. At present, the space around the houses has been occupied by parent cars. There are fewer places for children to play outdoors, games have shifted to rooms, game rooms, clubs, discos, cafes. If we return to the flower garden, the surrounding space and imagine that, for example, climbing roses can be planted along the fence of a kindergarten, school, household plots, the economy will receive a large social environmental order (for example, for growing climbing roses and other flower, shrub, garden crops ).

And for children, we - fathers, mothers, grandfathers, grandmothers - with our natural healing technologies will improve places for games and harmonious cultivation, we will be able to influence the development of educational culture from childhood. The idea of ​​"garden-gardener" - mutual assistance to ecology, creation, including healthy family creation, which is considered as a deeply scientific academician P.K. Anokhin, Corresponding Member of the National Academy of Sciences of Belarus N.I. Arinchin. A team of scientists and performers of the State Scientific and Technical Program "Biomechanics", headed by Academician of the National Academy of Sciences of Belarus Vysotsky M.S., and corresponding member. NASB Pleskachevsky, Doctor of Technical Sciences Algin A.B., Corresponding Member Manshin GG, the author of this article and many other scientists. After all, ecology is primarily translated from the ancient Greek oikos (house, dwelling). This is the science of the living conditions of a person (organisms) in the environment. From this word the concept of "oecumene" (ecumene) is formed, which serves to designate nature, mastered and inhabited by man. These ideas flow into the organization of the information system "health of the population - the environment". Many of the ideas of harmonizing family relations do not involve any expensive costs, methods and solutions. However, from the revival or strengthening of such ideas, farming families can really get a big “flower social order”.

Also, roadside service is in great need of such living natural flower beds and hedges. the republic develops inbound tourism, logistics and is a transit zone where roads and houses along the roads require additional "green protection". And if farm plots are also planted with white roses, the symbol of "Belaya Rus" will come to life and revive the pure symbol of our "big family home". In one of the research assignments for the SSTP "Biomechanics", which was called "Development of the concept of methods and means of environmental human biomechanics", that the human resource, as a natural one, is exhaustible and renewable. However, there is a limit to the rate of withdrawal of natural resources, which means that the rate of aging, wear, deterioration of adaptation increases when the natural mode of interaction is violated.

A review of the main environmental components made it possible to see and evaluate that the human resource, as well as other natural resources, including family ones, is very depleted, exhausted and requires careful support and a comprehensive concept for maintenance, harmonization, because pronounced environmentally dependent, especially on the composition of the air environment, the biological action of electromagnetic artificial fields, waves, artificial transmitters. It is shown that for the development of the system of internal relations and the development of a person, a family in the system man-machine-environment (H-M-S), man-machine-technology (H-M-T), the ecological resource of the environment and the internal environment of a person is distinguished as the basis of sustainable and long-term development of the individual, family and society as a whole. Understanding this serves to mutually co-act with this important process and also complements the ways of harmonizing seed relationships. Therefore, an "ecological basket of the main parameters of the organism's life support" was formulated.

This is a kind of ecological menu, the knowledge of which can also be considered as a way to harmonize family relations and develop this harmonization consciously. This basket includes the following parameters, the main life support of internal and external Endo-Eco-Logy and Endo-EcoInteraction, Mutual-Co-Action.

We list them: air, sleep, water, nutrition, communication (on a verbal and non-verbal level), movement, activity (labor), heat transfer, reproduction, utilization. This "basket" was born (was peeped, seen) using a new method of enhancing environmental feedbacks in the human body and human interaction with the environment. For more than twenty years, its "content" has been tested theoretically and on numerous practical examples of the behavior of the body with the norm of life-supporting indicators and their deviation. A special environmentally friendly material enhances the feedback of the body with itself at the receptor-cellular level.

As a result of this interaction, it turned out that cleansing processes in the body begin to improve first of all, ecological ties, sanogenesis, self-regulation are strengthened, by the type of improving the balance of internal processes, stabilizing and harmonizing emotional balance. Higher spiritual qualities begin to shine. One gets the impression that a certain natural, embedded standard is laid in the body. The organization of strengthening the harmonious, ecological parameters of the internal environment of the body requires an ecologically named menu for this. "Ecological menu" and its 10 main parameters in itself expands the understanding of the word "natural nutrition".

Food, nutrition and their understanding expands to a broad understanding of nutrition, including in a spiritual way, and not just gastronomic. Love can be seen as the high point of exchange of lovers. And warm friendly communication and cold, joyless, crisis, hopeless coexistence - also have different "nutritional value". To harmonize family relations, a living, creative thought is required, enriched with natural content and mutual assistance of both spouses to this principle and understanding. So, to balance one basket, the internal basket of human parameters, a second basket is needed, in which you can put the most important components of life support: space, time, color, light, connections and awareness of the concepts of balance, harmony, synergy, locomotion, even distribution, cooperation, a healthy way. , health creation (health), creative, spiritual, spiritually pure filling.

Literature

1. Novikov Yu.V. Ecology, environment and man. - M., 2005.

2. Arinchin, N.I. Health. - Minsk, 1998.

3. Piotrovich, K., Mazanik L.Yu., Manshin G.G. Energy imbalance of the body. Method of prevention and elimination // Engineering Physics Journal. 1995. - No. 5.

4. Mazanik L.Yu. Psychoemotional states and their connection with the temperature imbalance of the body // Psychiatry and Clinical Psychology. - 2004. - No. 3 (10).

5. Mazanik L.Yu., Bogdel Ya.Ya., Shaikova T.V. Study of the relationship of emotional and functional states with temperature imbalance in the feet // International Scientific and Practical Conference. Grodno, June 18-19, 2008 / GNU NITsPR NASB; resp. Ed. A.I. Sviridenok, - Grodno, 2008. - S. 60-62.

6. Mazanik L.Yu. Methods and means of ensuring the functional and environmental sustainability of a person and the prospects for their use in sports practice // Innovative processes in the physical education of students. - Minsk, 2009.

It is an ongoing effort to improve yourself. It's not so simple here. And marriage is a science of sciences.

I quite often visit city and regional schools and lyceums. After our interviews, some of the students stay and ask questions:

Vladyka, why does the Church not allow extramarital relations? Is it really that unacceptable? Why is the Church so strict?

Yes, the Church is strict about this issue. Not because he wants to prevent a relationship between two people, but because he wants these relationships to be created on the right basis.

If from a young age you do not learn to see in another person not the opposite sex - a man and a woman, but a personality - Mary, Constantine, George, etc., then when you get married, you may encounter a very serious difficulty. In marriage, you will not perceive the other person as a person, but only as a man and a woman.

I hope you well understand that if a person does not transcend the difference between the sexes, then he will not be able to create the right relationship in marriage.

For example, some say: “I can’t understand why my wife complains about me! What does she lack? I am a good husband, I take care of the house, I bring money, I provide everything for her. What else does she need? And the wife argues in a similar way: “I cook for him, wash, clean the house, I am clean before him, all my interest is only in the family. Why is he unhappy?"

But they cannot understand that, of course, all this is very important in marriage, but all this does not concern the other person. That sincere and sympathetic communication is of paramount importance in marriage, and the material support of the family and household chores are secondary. As I said, in a marriage, the other person must be seen first and foremost as a person.

See, Christ, in order to save man, himself became man. God did not save the world only by leaving the world or sending miracle-working prophets to preach. No! He Himself took on human flesh. So it is in marriage: in order for the marriage to be strong and not fall apart, the husband and wife should try to understand the spiritual world of each other in order to anticipate what needs and difficulties arise in the second half. Thus, marriage is strengthened. And in doing so, husband and wife become "one flesh," that is, one person. Not separate husband and wife, but a married couple, something whole. Two people in a completely new reality and human hypostasis for them.

Husband and wife become a new person whom Christ blesses in the sacrament of marriage and unites inseparably. From this moment on, this new man cannot act with only a part of himself. And the husband can no longer imagine his wife as a part of something else, but only as a part of himself, and both become “one flesh”, despite the fact that the essence and psychology of a man and a woman are completely different. That's what's great about marriage - that one complements the other.

But, becoming “one flesh” in marriage, one member of the family does not completely possess the other and does not “absorb” his personality. No! A man conveys to a woman his masculine practical knowledge, and a woman, in turn, conveys to a man her feminine experience and her vision of life, and together they become a new, blessed in marriage man who, in a marital union, brings into the world the fruit of his marriage - children . You see how amazing the Wisdom of God is: a child is not born only from the mother, but also with the participation of the father, that is, from two completely different people who once did not know each other.

Children very often resemble their parents not only in external features, but also in behavior and mental properties. Therefore, often parents see in their children an extension of themselves. And the most precious gift we can give our children is our attention.

The harmony that we talked about is achieved only by effort, work on oneself and sacrifice. You need to know that peace of mind, peace in the family and between spouses is much more important than anything material and it cannot be acquired at any cost.

The creation of a marriage must be treated very responsibly, applying the right criteria to it. Let's look at the other person as a person, trying to accept him as he is. Let's try to understand what needs and needs our second half has. Let's try to understand that our task in marriage is to give ourselves to another, and not to demand from the other that he give us all of himself. A big mistake is to demand love from your other half, saying: "I demand only one thing from you: that you love me." Such demands can often be heard from newlyweds who have just married. When I hear such statements, I correct them by saying: “My children, you have laid the wrong foundation for family life. When you demand something from someone, your demands will often become an excuse for an argument and a quarrel. If you demand love from another, saying: “The only thing I demand from you is that you love me. I want you to respect me. So that you can be a good wife, ”that’s all! from that moment on, an ongoing quarrel begins, because then you will say: “You are not the one I dreamed of.” First you need to give a person all of yourself, and then take it. And to demand something from the very beginning is a big mistake. Better tell your wife: “What I truly desire is to love you, and I will always try to be the first to take the first step towards you in moments of disagreement.”

According to the teaching of the Church, the real “does not seek her own,” as the apostle Paul writes. “Love covers everything, endures everything, always hopes.” The Lord Jesus Christ absolutely loved man in a way that no one else could love him. He proved His love by His Great Sacrifice for him. In marriage, a man is greatly helped by the image of Christ, who loves His Church. And a man should also love his wife in that image. That is, in marriage you have the opportunity to embody your love, to give yourself completely without claims, without mutual exchanges, without demanding something for yourself. Then your other half, seeing your generosity, will be extremely moved and willingly share with you all their inner wealth, as much as possible.

I tried to explain to you where the first crack appears, gradually increasing and entailing all other problems.

Let us strive to give our love, our whole self, to another without limitation. Let's take the trouble to listen and hear the other person. And in order to hear another, you must first be silent and turn into hearing yourself. Let the woman listen to her husband, and the husband to his wife. And so the spouses, sealed by a strong union, will give their children the best that they have, because loving parents so eagerly present their love and their participation and attention to their children.

I wish you all the best, so that you always please your families. Teach your children all that is good. Teach your children to be active and teach them to achieve their good goals so that they become blessed from God.

If you want your feet not to hurt from thorns, cover the whole earth with a flower carpet. Abu'l-Faraj

By taking care of your parents, you are taking care of your old age.
Say words of love and gratitude to your parents more often. Be aware that, perhaps, your parents themselves once, as you think, "did not give" you their love, attention and care. But believe me, if this is so, then they did it not out of malice. Get rid of the desire to blame them for it. Their actions were aimed at your benefit, and they did it very sincerely and in the way they could do at that time. Moreover, they were completely sure that they were right.

Thank your parents for giving you what they could give
It is important to understand that parents have given and are giving to the child the best that they themselves possess, that which they themselves have achieved. They could do and are doing what they really could or can do. Be grateful to your parents for this. Believe and acknowledge that your parents gave you everything they had and did everything for you in the best possible way within their knowledge and ability at that time. By “cleansing up” your feelings and repressed emotions towards your parents, you are simultaneously harmonizing your emotional relationship with your children.

Find out how parents and children view their decisions differently
Offering the child to make a certain independent decision, parents pay more attention to the long-term consequences of this decision. The child, by virtue of his abilities and his little experience, tends to see only immediate results. That is why it is so important for a parent to teach a child to see and take into account all (and not just momentary and immediate) consequences of decisions made. It is important to achieve such a result that, as they say, “the wolves are fed and the sheep are safe”, that is, so that both the immediate advantage (conflict-free behavior of the child) and the long-term benefit (foreseeing the situation and calculating it many steps ahead) are obvious. Know that responsibility can be learned only when a person realizes and clearly understands that he will be responsible for the consequences of his decisions on his own.

Remember that the lack of love is the cause of many earthly human problems.
If you ask fallen and vicious people to tell about their childhood and adolescence, then you will see that most of them did not receive true maternal or paternal love in childhood.

Non-acceptance of one of the principles (male or female) in oneself is explained by an internal conflict with one of your parents
So, for example, if it is difficult for you to accept the feminine in yourself, know that in childhood you had an internal conflict with your mother. If you reject your masculinity, you still have problems with your father. When a person realizes which principle (male or female) he accepts more and which less, it will be easier for him to complete the process of accepting his parents.

Realize that our parents could not teach us what they did not know themselves
Our parents tried to educate us as best they could, they treated us the way they were taught in childhood. If our parents couldn't love themselves, then of course they couldn't teach us to love ourselves.

Try to understand that parents did what they could for us
Realize the fact that our parents raised us the way they were raised in their time. They objectively could not give us what they themselves did not have. They loved us the way they loved them, they simply could not do it differently. Understand this and try to accept what we have. As soon as we understand, accept and forgive our parents, we will finally begin to connect with ourselves, which is so necessary for the holistic and harmonious development of the personality.

An exercise in reuniting with your parents
Take photographs of your parents (mother and father), preferably separately and around the same time. If photos cannot be found for various reasons, imagine your parents. Let their image appear before you. Try to see and feel your blood relation to your parents. During your internal dialogue with them, try it is better to understand them, to ask their forgiveness, to forgive and, as it were, to accept them wholeheartedly with gratitude into your life. They only wanted the best for you and did what they thought was best for you. Parents passed on their genes to us, in fact, we are completely composed of our parents. “I” is in many ways they. When we look at them, we look as if at ourselves. If it is difficult for you to accept them, then it turns out that you do not accept yourself first of all. Having learned to understand and fully accept your parents, you will finally understand the most important thing - you will understand yourself. Numerous examples confirm that when you manage to “work out” your relationship with your parents, fully and in every possible way to accept and thank them, you begin to meet in transport, on the street, etc. people very similar to your parents. They demonstrate similar mannerisms and habitual actions, they literally wear the appearance of your parents internally and externally. Some even in the guise of the opposite sex find their mother and their father. All this happens due to the release of a psychoenergetic (or other kind) block in you.

Understand that the law of “return” (“bestowal”, “reflection”, etc.) is fair in everything and for everyone
So, if you are judging your parents for something, wait a bit and notice that your children will also treat you the same way.

Understand the amazing analogy, its essence is that “childhood” and “old age” are like “early morning” and “sunset”, because they are similar in many ways.
Childhood and old age, child and adult, how are they similar?
The similarity of a child and an adult is manifested in the following:
1) a child is “poor in spirit” in his innate qualities, while an adult, striving for unattainable perfection, is aware of his spiritual poverty;
2) a child cries, lost in space, an adult cries because he is cramped in the narrow life-earthly framework;
3) the child knows only one hunger: the lack of only bodily food, for an adult, the most important thing is to satisfy spiritual hunger
and thirst;
4) in childhood, we easily forgive, forgetting insults; in adulthood, we better understand human weaknesses and, covering everything with our love, forgive them consciously.
People in adulthood and old age have many childish qualities: diligence, mercy, warmth of the heart, peacefulness. An adult person can master these qualities of the soul of a child from the fullness of the received grace.

Know that drug addiction, alcoholism and smoking are a manifestation of a lack of love in the family
Understand that drug addiction, alcoholism, smoking are most often the result of a lack of love and heartfelt attention on the part of parents. Through alcohol and drugs, adolescents try to compensate for this lack of new promising sensations, a state of euphoria and false, short-term pleasure. Know, dear parents, that the child's drug addiction that your child has fallen into is too expensive a price to pay for the pedagogical mistakes of parents.

Understand the interesting thing about loving animals, we very often treat them like children.
Indeed, when we stroke a cat or dog, we say to them the same words that we usually say to children. It is no coincidence, apparently, that the so-called "old maids" or "inveterate bachelors" give birth to animals and love them just like children. The primordial purity of the soul of animals, protected by instincts and natural attitudes from sin, remains with them for life, reminding us of the childish spiritual purity, for which we probably yearn for our entire adult life, having gained solidity and material well-being. Thus, communication with animals can be called peculiar memories of childhood and the “other world”.

Remember the role of vicarious learning, i.e. learning by imitation
Since the learning process is based on the example of their parents, a person sometimes needs to redouble his efforts in order not to adopt from them the destructive pathogenic worldview and the destructive patterns of behavior that follow from it.

Try to live "near" but "not together" with your adult children
Be aware that so many parents force themselves to live with their children in order to allegedly "not destroy the happiness of children."

Know that every child, becoming an adult, works out certain parental programs.
The most intensive parental programs are worked out by a child before the period of his puberty (12-14 years), and, starting from this age, his own programs laid down by the Universe are included.

• The main thing is to realize the fact that all adults were children, but few remember it.
• Accept with gratitude that being both a child and a parent is a great happiness.
• Remember that the most important goal of childbearing is to realize yourself through your own children.
• Know that the Motherland is what our distant and close parents created in their time. Start loving and truly appreciating what our parents have given us.
• Remember that the strongest union between spouses is a union in spirit.
• Know that if there is no agreement between the spouses, their children will definitely get sick.
• Remember that the “leader” (parent) should help the “follower” (child) in a deeper understanding of himself in order to activate his own forces.
• Know that if a person gets sick a lot in childhood, this means that he wants to attract attention to himself with the help of an illness and a formed illness.
• Learn to let in positive memories of your parents.
• Know that what you hear from your parents stays with us for a long time.
• Remember that the smaller the child, the more effective the work with them.
• Understand well that the completeness of a child's understanding largely depends on the age of his soul.
• Remember that no matter how wonderful the relationship each person has with his parents, it is in the family that everyone chooses for himself the problems with which he goes through life.
• If you try to explain something to the child, then only to the extent that he is able to comprehend and understand what was said.
• Give the child the opportunity (conditionally after 14-16 years) to have the right to manage his life to the fullest.
• Think well of your family and friends, while giving up the desire to exalt yourself.
• Remember that only truth and consistency will help shape the child's personality in a beneficial way.
• Teach your child to carefully choose the people whom he will imitate, since their fate will be in many ways similar to the fate of your child.
• Forgive both your parents and children their human weaknesses - they have every right to have them.
• Deeper awareness of the fact that you can not give birth to children if the parents have not created a space of love in the family.
• Remember that truly loving parents trust their child, they are ready to guide him, but not to live his own life for him.
• Tell your child everything you ever wanted to hear from your parents.
• Know that very often responsibility is transformed into superiority and domination. Most often this happens in the relationship between parents and children.
• Remember that the parent-child relationship reflects with great certainty the inner problems of the parent himself.
• Know that your children's common sense will develop much sooner if you let them make their own decisions.
• Realize that if the people close to you (parents, children, relatives) do not understand you, this does not mean at all that they do not love you.
• Dear parents, be like children - constantly show curiosity and never cease to be surprised.
• Know that the Universe (God) does not reward, but lends us children, loved ones and people close to us, and does this only for a certain time.
• Remember that sometimes the role of a wise parent comes down to just being with your child, who is independently looking for the right solution.

HARMONY OF FAMILY RELATIONS - the state of a married couple, which provides for full compliance and satisfaction of the socio-psychological, cultural, intellectual, material and sexual needs of a man and a woman in marriage. Dissatisfaction with any one of the needs of a man or woman automatically reduces sexual satisfaction. However, in real life, there is never a complete correspondence, such ideal married couples simply do not exist.

A well-known doctor - psychotherapist and sex therapist Professor S.S. Liebig writes: “Harmony, however, like disharmony, of sexual relations can be due, mainly, to anatomical-physiological, technical (sexual life technique) and socio-psychological reasons. In general, the concept of harmony differs from the concept of sameness, equality, uniformity of parts. On the contrary, these parts may be different and even opposite, but in their combination, in their totality, they create a single, strong, positively developing whole. Thus, HARMONY is balance, strict consistency, mutual complementarity of parts of a single whole.

Sexual partners are often characterized by poor observation, they do not feel the needs, expectations, degree of readiness of each other. Let us explain this on the example of the preparatory period of sexual intercourse (the so-called "prelude"). Sexologists in St. Petersburg found that only 10 - 15% of the caresses expected by women were given by their partners, while many caresses were performed carelessly and not in the sequence in which it was desirable. Many men are poorly aware of the relative importance of the erogenous zones of the woman with whom they communicate. The request to write a list of ten erogenous zones in order of their strength and importance for a given woman led to the fact that in most cases the list of a man and a list of a woman differed from each other by 60%.

The situation is not the best with women either; in 39% of women, frigidity is explained by a low level of personal sexual culture.

Currently, some sexologists tend to believe that male impotence is not only the original inferiority of a man. Impotence may be the result of a woman's lack of sexual education.

Arguing about harmony, we always mean its relativity. People entering into marriage should have the maximum community of interests. Of course, in order to determine the similarity of interests and personal values, a man and a woman must have experience of living together for at least a year, even more is better. For the most part, the average heterosexual couple has enough time in one year to evaluate their partner and decide whether it is advisable to start a family. The relationship of sexual pathology with the pathology of interpersonal relationships is closer than is commonly believed. We have to take this circumstance into account when choosing treatment methods.

Harmony in marriage is determined not only by sexual satisfaction. Some researchers note that a sufficiently long close physical contact contributes to the synchronization of not only biorhythms, but also some physiological processes of a married couple (body temperature, heart rate, etc.). The level of testosterone in the blood of a devoted husband rises to its peak simultaneously with an increase in the level of estrogen in the wife's body, up to the release of the egg, which contributes to the maximum intensity of sexual life during this period of time. There is a synchronization of erotic desires. It is believed that some male substances, in particular axillary secretions, contribute to the normalization of the female menstrual cycle.

Let us dwell in more detail on the signs of dissatisfaction with intellectual, cultural, material and socio-psychological needs in family relationships.

For example, a different level of intelligence in a few years causes dissatisfaction with interpersonal communication in a married couple. We often come across a situation where a husband considers his wife a “fool”, and she considers her husband a “bore”. With age, men lose their desire to communicate with their comrades and become "grouchy" loners. Women, on the contrary, expand their social circle with age, and their interest in the family is replaced by standard “gatherings” with friends. Better adapt to each other people with the same professions. It can be seen that a wife often reflects the intellectual level of her husband. The lower the intelligence of a man, the more stupid his wife is, as a rule.

People of different nationalities may encounter a sharp difference in cultural values, and this often causes chronic one-sided or mutual tension and irritation in living together. This includes, first of all, dislike for folk traditions, folklore, the specifics of folk cuisine, religious beliefs, etc. Here in the conservative south of Kazakhstan, these phenomena are most common. Overcoming cultural differences is possible only if one of the parties constantly makes concessions to the other. Otherwise, the marriage will fall apart precisely because of the cultural inconsistency between husband and wife.

The difference in cultural values ​​is often found in people of different age categories. A large (more than 20 years) age difference often causes discord in an existing couple. However, if the younger side is initially oriented towards the cultural (rather than material) values ​​of the older side, such a marriage is likely to be strong enough.

The factor of material conformity at any time was more interested in the parents of the bride and groom. If there is no such correspondence, we can observe when the poorer side in the marriage begins to abuse the trust of the more well-to-do. Failure to take into account the original material equality can also lead the family to disintegration. And we see this quite often in real life. Moreover, psychologists have found that the less wealthy side, regardless of whether it is a man or a woman, is more prone to infidelity and adultery in marriage. Psychologists attribute this situation to an inferiority complex, which is characteristic of people from low-income families and low-paid representatives of the human race.

We notice the factor of material benefits not only in humans, but also in the animal world, where the male has a monopoly of courtship. The female does not just choose the strongest male, she often chooses him from several possible contenders. And as the famous sexologist I.S. Kon: “At the same time, not only the physical data of the male matter, but also what material resources he potentially has. This is especially noticeable in birds. For example, a female wren chooses a male for herself not by his appearance or by his beautiful voice, but by how good and rich the territory he owns, on which the well-being of the offspring depends. In other words, this is a “marriage of convenience”, where the advantage is given to the male, who is able not only to be a producer, but also to provide the most favorable conditions for raising offspring.” In the days of socialism, the material factor was less important, everyone lived equally poorly, there was less envy. A lot has changed at the present time; the material factor often becomes dominant in creating a family. Under socialism, this was more noticeable here in Central Asia than, for example, in Russia. At present, Russia differs little from Central Asia. Thus, the same financial situation of persons entering into marriage is considered optimal.

The socio-psychological aspects of a couple are determined by the compatibility of temperament, personality traits, assessment of social status, etc. For example, the characteristics of the personality traits of sexual partners determine their role behavior in a couple. If the role behavior of one of the sexual partners does not coincide with the expected role behavior of the other partner (expectation), then a dissonance arises between a man and a woman, which is expressed by a very definite phrase: “Everything is done wrong.” This can apply to both a man and a woman.

Features of the emotional sphere also influence the process of mutual adaptation of sexual partners in a couple. Adaptation is better in cases where the nature of emotional expressiveness and the characteristics of experiences are similar in intensity and stability. Large differences in affective expression, which are manifested by emotional restraint and external coldness of one of the partners with the emotional openness of the other, can be the cause of disappointments, unjustified hopes and conflicts. Such restraint and external coldness can be perceived by the other partner as a manifestation of emotional indifference, which contributes (especially in women) to the emergence of sexological disorders.

In 1980, Professor S.S. Liebig proposed a schematic classification, which, with skillful application, makes it possible to predict the sexual harmony of a married couple based on the socio-psychological characteristics of the spouses. Classification S.S. Liebig is so simple and versatile that any thinking person can use it without difficulty. The classification allows you to conditionally divide all men and women into certain types, which are either psychosexually suitable for each other, or, conversely, incompatible in a married couple. S.S. Liebig conventionally divides men and women into four psychosexual types.

1. A WOMAN - MOTHER even at a young age reveals maternal care for a man, strives for the guardianship of her partner, can be carried away by the weak, sick, losers. In everyday life, he tries to protect, encourage, inspire, "raise" them. Psychological weakness and unhappiness of a man become a certain sexual irritant. Such women may even like anxiety, emotional instability, capriciousness of a man. Some women perceive their husband as a pet, like a cat, dog or hamster. Often, women of this type, already at a young age, strive for an independent life, strive for moral and material emancipation from their parents. In marriage, they do not welcome financial dependence on their husband. Often they provide for themselves and their families.

2. WOMAN - WOMAN.

A). AGGRESSIVE TYPE in relationships with his sexual partner strive for leadership, first in ordinary life, and then in sexual life. Often mocking, caustic, aloud notices the minor flaws of men (poorly shaved, wrinkled trousers, shoes not polished, etc.) prone to irony, loves to prevail over a man. In the case of a low cultural and educational level, she is impudent, vulgar, and can be aggressive not only on a verbal, but also on a physical level. This type of women, already in their youth, strive for moral emancipation from their parents, but the material factor often forces them to live together until marriage. In sexual relations with a man, such a person expects humility, even confusion and humiliation of her husband. As spouses they choose for themselves conformable, downtrodden men, with weak will and low self-esteem, who, due to their constant ridicule, often suffer from sexual disorders. This type of women is most prone to adultery in marriage. With low sexual feelings or hidden homosexual inclinations, they can join the ranks of feminists.

B). PASSIVE - SUBJECT TYPE of a woman has as her ideal a "strong man" who will be the head and support in the family; wants to live his thoughts, wants to “dissolve” in him. In her dreams, she fantasizes about a man who "possesses" her. In caresses passively - the subordinate type of a woman prefers pressure, strength, aggressiveness up to causing pain; psychological characteristics sometimes make them victims of rape. Such women never raise their voice, in the team they can be known as "quiet", they listen more than they speak, they are executive, they are not able to defend their rights. In marriage, they are tuned to submission, and beatings from the husband are perceived as a manifestation of love. Before marriage, due to personal characteristics, some of them can lead a promiscuous sex life, as they are unable to refuse any persistent and arrogant man. They enjoy only sensual, rough sex.

A WOMAN - DAUGHTER considers her ideal man older, sometimes much older than herself. In his presence, she feels weak, “small”, prefers tenderness in caresses, cannot stand male rudeness and sensual sex. Prone to psychologically exciting influences (light music, visual arts, poetry, etc.). They have increased levels of anxiety; because of their timidity, they are usually not prone to sexual adventures. Such women are not adapted to life, not independent, lethargic and passive. Often they are homebodies and almost do not seek to be released from parental care, since they cannot live independently for a long time without the moral and material support of their elders.

1. A MAN - FATHER, even at a young age, behaves relatively judiciously, sometimes even like an elderly person. Not prone to adventurism, tries to avoid adventures, dubious companies and street fights, actions are always considered. Usually he has a high cultural and educational level, knows how to speak fascinatingly, be elegant, respects the weaker sex. He will never dress in flashy outrageous clothes, in appearance he prefers solidity. In women, he appreciates, first of all, the element of subordinate admiration, bestowal and weakness, "guessing" his desires and needs. Not always high sexual potential compensates for knowledge of the basics of sexual relations. Inclined to independence and constancy. Avoid casual sex. Sometimes such men are so correct, serious and positive that they irritate their “second half”.

2. MAN - MAN.

A). AGGRESSIVE TYPE is prone to elements of "violence" and "mastery". Caresses are sensual, somewhat rough, sometimes painful. Prefers to be a leader in any company; judgments are peremptory, stubborn, impudent, aggressive, sometimes cruel and prudent. Rigid in his point of view, persistent, always striving to achieve his goal. Nonconformist, at a young age can wear defiant, protest clothes and hairstyles. In life, he likes to play the role of "superman" or "don Juan", considers sex a kind of sport. Prone to frequent change of sexual partners and infidelity in marriage.

B). PASSIVE - SUBJECT TYPE tends to idealize a strong-willed, "strong woman". In her things, in her clothes, she loves the symbols of this power, authoritarianism, some masculinity (men's hairstyle, men's suits and shirts, sports style, men's sports, etc.) In communication with a woman, she emphasizes her humiliation, dependence. He expects orders, punishments, reprimands from her, or, at least, meekly listens to them. Sluggish, lack of initiative, unable to make decisions independently. In family life, he is a vivid example of a “henpecked” and is quite satisfied with his position. In a professional environment, he also remains a subordinate. However, sometimes among the "henpecked" there are big bosses; as a rule, they owe their careers to the guiding and organizing influence of their “other half”. Such a man will never go on vacation without his wife, but if this happens, the new “boss” will definitely find him. In the case of a divorce from his wife, passively - subordinate men quickly sink.

3. A MAN - A SON, even in adulthood, is not independent: he is completely devoid of experience in practical life, infantilely shifts the solution of any organizational problems and domestic difficulties to his spouse. Often capricious, mannered and selfish, maladjusted and unsuccessful, mentally and sometimes physically immature. Prone to asthenia, reflection and reasoning. He cannot do without guardianship for a long time, without moral and material support from other people. Often, in material terms, he relies on women (in his younger years - on his mother, in mature years - on his wife), since he himself cannot, and often does not really want to work. He may be erudite and well-read, but this knowledge is mostly useless, like himself. Sometimes he has a hobby that is obscure to others; it serves as a self-affirmation factor to show its significance and even exclusivity. When alcohol is abused, it quickly becomes an alcoholic; lack of will and inability to deny yourself some desires contribute to this.

An examination of these types shows that the caresses and sexual behavior of a man - a father and a woman - a daughter are in many ways harmonious, i.e. what is expected corresponds to what is offered in form and content. The same can be said about a woman - a mother and a man - a son, about a woman of an aggressive type and a man who is passive - subordinate, etc.

It is also clearly seen that a man - a father and a woman - a mother will not be harmonious in erotic and sexual communication; the aggressive type of man and the equally aggressive type of woman will live like spiders in a jar. And the relationship between a man and a woman, who both belong to a passive-submissive type, is one of the extreme variants of the disharmony of sexual relations.

The proposed scheme cannot be used as a culinary guide, since pure, classic types of men and women are not common, but, nevertheless, any particular person, each of us will belong to some of the above types more than others. This allows predicting the stability of relationships and the strength of any marriage.

Obviously, this scheme is applicable only in predicting family harmony among people over 20 years old, since before this age, mental immaturity and sometimes physical infantilism remain in the personality of men and women. Simply put, the types have not yet formed.

In order to make sure that the S.S. Liebig works, let us illustrate the following observation:

- researcher, head of the department, 53 years old, married to a 38-year-old woman. Asked about the weakening of erection, although he has an urgent sexual desire several times a week. Before contacting us, he was treated by two specialists - a neuropathologist and a urologist, but without effect. Both spouses have been remarried for more than six months.

From the conversation it became known: our patient at the age of 27 married a girl of the same age, lived with her in a happy marriage for 24 years; has an adult son. I never thought about the state of my sexual sphere, since "everything was always fine." Relations with his wife were based on mutual love and respect. Two years ago, my wife died of an acute surgical disease. He remained a widower. A year and a half later, he remarried. He does not smoke, rarely drinks alcohol and in small quantities.

From a conversation with the wife of our patient, it was established that she began sexual activity at the age of 20, when, while still a student, she married a classmate. Her husband, who had previously lived in a hostel, moved in with his wife, although her parents were extremely negative about this. This hostility gradually turned into enmity, but her "sympathy" was on the side of her husband. However, she did not dare to enter into open conflict with her parents. A year later, her husband simply left her at first, and three years later he filed for a divorce. The woman continued to live with her parents, who at first did not bother her, and then "lit up with the idea of ​​\u200b\u200bmarriage", which she shied away from. The young lady did not suffer at all from her lonely life.

However, when, with the active participation of the same parents, an acquaintance was arranged with a widowed professor, and he proposed to her, she agreed. In the hope of getting rid of the obsessive parental care, I wanted to find peace and tranquility.

Notes: her first menstruation began at the age of 16, since then they have been regular. Before her first marriage, she had no close relationships with anyone and had no interest in men. The feeling for her first husband was strong, “came like an obsession”, she was waiting for an intimate relationship with him like a holiday. But with all this, there was never an orgasm. Sexual satisfaction clearly proceeded at the level of purely psychological satisfaction.

She has no complaints about her second husband. He loves and respects her. Difficulties in the intimate sphere they began literally from the first intimacy. Although the second marriage was not an obsession and she did not experience a “strong feeling”, the woman immediately joined the usual game, but her husband behaved strangely - “not like a real man”, which made her laugh, and apparently offended him.

From the answer to the question, what was the "non-male" behavior of the second spouse, interesting details emerged. It so happened that in the first marriage, at the very first intimacy, when she, frightened by the approach of something unknown, began to dodge her husband and even cried, this infuriated her husband, and he “took” her very rudely. And in the future, although she no longer experienced the same emotions, her husband "deliberately caught up" fear in her in order to make her resist and dodge. This made him very excited. Over time, this turned into a kind of sex-role sexual game, without which both could not imagine the joy of intimacy. For a woman, in any case, the moment of climax, when she experienced a sweet erotic "fade", fell precisely on this game. Everything that followed in the actual sexual act did not add anything to these emotions.

Mentally preparing for the same game with her second husband, at his first touch she huddled “in a ball”, hid her head in the pillow and, feeling the beginning of the familiar “fading”, expected that the new husband, like a “real man”, would begin to inflict blows to the buttocks, knead and pinch her. When, instead of all this, he began to “caress like a kitten,” she could no longer restrain herself and burst out laughing. He was even confused, then offended, but soon forgave her. The woman, realizing what he needed, subsequently gave herself to him, passively lying on her back and pushing her hips apart. But, accepting his caresses, she could not help but feel contempt for him every time. And he, as his wife believes, felt it every time.

CONCLUSION: in this observation, we find a fairly delineated sexual inconsistency leading to disharmony of the married couple. This woman, judging by the description, belongs to the passive - subordinate type. In the first marriage with a man of an aggressive type, the woman's sexual expectation was satisfied, but the marriage broke up for other non-sexual reasons. In a second marriage to a professor who is obviously more of a man-son type, the woman's sexual expectation remains unsatisfied. This circumstance gives rise to a woman's contempt for her second husband, who develops an inferiority complex in response, leading, in the end, to sexual weakness. This disorder is functional. It is extremely difficult to achieve sexual harmony in an existing couple, since a man and a woman did not initially correspond to each other in terms of social and psychological parameters.

The specialized literature provides a list of the main conflicts that disrupt the normal course of sexual life in a couple; this includes:

- conflicts related to the struggle for position in a pair (the problem of leadership and subordination);

- conflicts arising from unjustified expectations in relation to a partner (or partner);

- conflicts related to intolerance regarding the habits or skills of one of the partners;

- conflicts based on cultural (environmental) differences;

- conflicts associated with dependence on parents (social immaturity of the couple);

- conflicts related to the difficulties of raising children;

- conflicts against the background of intellectually different levels of partners;

- dissonance between the value systems of both spouses and models of marriage;

- rejection of a partner due to inadequate motivation for marriage.

The joint sexual life that satisfies a man and a woman, in some cases becomes an end in itself, in others - a means to achieve non-sexual goals of one or both partners. In this case, sexual activity has a non-sexual motivation. This can lead to a condition called "motive asymmetry". Such an asymmetry is most often manifested by the fact that one of the partners has the main motive for sexual activity as the need for sexual relaxation, while for the other, the desire to satisfy the need for deep interpersonal relationships. The asymmetry of motives that stimulate sexual relations entails different hopes and expectations associated with a sexual partner. Dissatisfaction with such expectations gives rise to growing discontent and internal nervous tension - frustration. If the state of frustration drags on, this leads to a violation of interpersonal relationships and soon spreads to the sphere of sexual intercourse. And this, in turn, can block sexual activity, as it begins to exclude the expected satisfaction. This is how a sexual disorder is formed in a couple, requiring treatment (or more often psychological correction) of both sexual partners.

In some cases, the causes of disharmony are not easy to determine. For example, a person has a negative reaction to a certain smell and at the same time a positive attitude towards the physical and socio-psychological qualities of a partner. Under the influence of the latter, he chooses a partner, but close contact with him and, above all, sexual contact causes rejection in him. Such a relationship conflict can lead to the search for normal communication with a partner, but the avoidance of sexual contact. However, over time, this leaves a negative imprint on other human relations with a partner. Often a person is not aware of the reasons for his negative reactions, and therefore tries to rationalize and explain them in various ways. But the disharmony of sexual relations still cannot be avoided; this circumstance leads to a break in relations. And it all started with a trifle - with an unpleasant smell ...

According to K. Imelinsky: “The nature of emerging erotic associations depends, first of all, on the strength and nature of the feelings that bind partners. The stronger these feelings, the deeper the psychic "shock" that accompanies the emerging sexual-emotional urges, they cause and thereby ensure the strength of conditional connections. If partners are connected by bright sexual love, then everything that is connected with each of them, which reminds of the partner and what has become his “signal” (the smell of perfume, part of the clothes, photography, etc.) can be a strong irritant that causes sexual excitation. If a person encounters these objects for a long time and very often, then very strong bonds and inclinations can form, which become a kind of fetishes that cause especially strong sexual arousal.

The appearance of such "fetishes" can create a strong sexual and psychological attitude in a man or woman, on which the choice of the next sexual partner depends. Each next relationship with a person of the opposite sex will undergo a kind of reconciliation with the previous sexual and psychological attitude, which serves as a kind of standard for selecting a candidate for a long-term relationship. Regardless of the sophistication of the technique and the duration of intercourse, each subsequent partner is unconsciously and to a lesser extent consciously compared with the first and can be perceived negatively, indifferently, or, conversely, positively. In women, such a sexually-psychological attitude towards a sexual partner and the specifics of sexual communication is, as a rule, stronger than that of men.

The creation of this sexual-psychological attitude goes through a learning process called “imprinting”.

• 25.

When people enter into a long-term relationship, they - even if there are passionate feelings in a couple - begin a joint "grinding". Only those couples who have learned to create relationships in their unit of society that are equally comfortable for both succeed in preserving the initial feelings. It is in such relationships that the harmony of family life lies.

Both partners are interested in continuing to live together, do not create situations in which one side feels inferior.

So how to achieve harmony in family life, increase the degree of comfort in relationships?

Woman - the keeper of the family hearth

Although they say that the word of a man is the law, the harmony of life in the family depends on the woman. It is she who must create such conditions for a man to try to provide a reliable rear, to become a breadwinner.

It depends on the woman whether the household will respect the man, she develops a relationship strategy.

In modern families, economic relations develop in different ways. Sometimes it is the weaker half that brings the main finances into the house. And it also depends on her how relationships are built, how comfortable the microclimate will be.

The distribution of roles should take place in such a way that the parties are equal. Responsibilities will be shared in such a way that both parties understand that their contribution to the family hearth is the same, no one owes anything to anyone, no one infringes on each other, concessions are voluntary.

Personal separation

Harmony in a person's family life appears only when the level of personality of both partners is approximately equal. If there is a person nearby who is higher or lower in this level, it is difficult to be near him.

Higher - you try to reach this bar, you can not relax, lower - it becomes simply uninteresting. Thoughts constantly come to mind: I deserve (yna) a better share, why do I put up with this? If you deliberately try not to notice the imbalance in the relationship, then this will lead to a nervous breakdown.

Yes, and a strong personality, unable to withstand the conventions that it creates for itself, periodically tries to crush the weak, neglect its interests.

Find "golden mean"” in the family does not work, and from the side you can see the following:

• The weak side, despite the constant discomfort, strives with all his might to keep in touch with the strong one, tries to make him love himself, breaking his character and raping his own personality;
• This leads to the fact that a strong woman, feeling pleasure from what is happening, tries to increase the pressure, but at the same time her interest in her partner decreases.

Of course, both sides cannot live in harmony with the outside world. And they take their mood out, creating problems for others, especially people close to them. In the end, the family collapses, and both disperse disappointed and broken.

Distribution of roles

How does it happen that in a family people find themselves on different personal levels? Interest at the initial stage is possible only for individuals of equal importance, with a similar life position?

Personal separation manifests itself at the stage of development of relationships. A person's strengths and weaknesses are revealed, the other side begins to use their knowledge. Only by feeling like a harmonious person, you can resist the pressure. Unfortunately, this is not understood right away, they give way in small things, and then they have to give up positions even in case of significant conflicts. By the way, they can be deliberately provoked by one of the parties, trying to dominate.

The best example is when a woman sacrifices her career for the sake of a child, and then tries to save her family. The man, feeling himself the only earner, begins to neglect her interests. At the same time, he tries to forget that the initial decision was justified, and was made jointly.

How to find harmony in family life if you feel pressure?

At that moment, when you realize that it becomes uncomfortable, that when you give in, you feel psychological pressure, you need to model the situation so that the other side takes a step back. Here it is important to show strength, to recall the circumstances that put us in unequal conditions.

If you give in at this stage, in the future you will either have to always obey, or lose your soulmate: morally or realistically.

Close relations

The harmony of intimate life helps to achieve mutual understanding in the family. A lot depends on it. Intimate intimacy helps to strengthen psychological and physical health, unites the family.

One attraction to each other is not enough. In this area, as in no other, it is important that partners listen to the desires of the other side, do not take a dominant position. Intimacy should be enjoyable for both partners. And this is possible only when coexistence is comfortable.

A paradox arises: with intimate dissatisfaction, there will be no harmony in family life, especially for a woman. But with disharmony in the family, intimacy is perceived as violence.

So what to do? No insults, especially those that relate to the delicate side of the relationship, should be allowed from the first day. To sort things out, to find out some truth, if no one is going to resort to any action, it takes as little as possible. You need to know in advance that the partner may not live up to expectations in something, demonstrate misunderstanding. You can’t punish him harshly, you should correct the mistakes made together.

And it is imperative to preserve the culture of feelings in the intimate sphere, to protect each other, not to let third parties into your intimate life.

To achieve harmonious relationships in family life, it is advisable to adhere to the following rules:

• For family life, you need to choose a person who is close in spirit and similar in character. When it was not immediately possible to understand the spiritual world of a partner, then in the future you will need to adapt to it if it is still dear to you;
• If the situation is not spoken out, then in the future it leads to misunderstanding. The sooner the partner learns about what is happening, the sooner the correct joint strategy for overcoming the conflict will be developed;
• Large expenses, separate meetings, communication - all this is discussed at a preliminary stage. Why create conflict situations?
• Life is distributed in equal shares. If one partner does something better or he has more time and opportunities at this stage, then he must do some work himself. The other side should help him, creating comfortable opportunities, providing living conditions;
• It is very important to realize that the partner will not leave in difficult circumstances, but will support in a difficult situation. Mutual assistance is a guarantee of harmony in the family;
• The ability to forgive is very important. The partner does not have it, neither major conflicts nor minor quarrels will end in peace. Not at home - maybe there is no love and respect either? And why keep such an alliance?
• You should know in advance the attitude of the partner to the fact that future offspring will appear. When children are born, it is very important that mom and dad respect each other. Without this condition it is impossible to give children a worthy upbringing;
• You should never refuse a partner in intimacy without serious reasons. Intimate life is unacceptable to manipulate. If people feel desire towards each other, it is difficult to separate them. Let the passion fade over time, but mutual attraction, the ability to fulfill the desires of a partner binds stronger than the first instinctive feelings;
• You need to try to understand your partner, learn to trust him. Do not point out failures, help correct mistakes;
• In family life, one should be tactful, not force events, learn to accept a person as he is. Be content with what you have, remember that you once liked it that way. Why is there discontent now? By gently directing, you can achieve a lot, and, conversely, by dominating and breaking, you can lose everything.

Improving relationships in marriage is an everyday work. While rubbing against each other, partners must take into account mutual interests and remain themselves, without breaking character. The absence of negativity in family life is the key to a comfortable existence.