I want to be loved. Jokes: lovers and mistresses Do not be intrusive and capricious

A romantic friend cannot be compared with a husband, try to find him better than that or, conversely, worse. It is important that he just be different. He should give you what is so lacking in a built family life: romance, finances, reliability, attention and care, support, and everything else that is missing. Meetings take place as long as the two are well with each other, and no one owes anything to anyone. After all, love is the basis of such a connection, and therefore, the word that calls these people is chosen so not without reason. Therefore, some married women with their companion on the side feel much happier than others in a legal marriage.

It would seem that things are going well, and the family is built, and life is established, but something is missing for a woman to be completely happy. What exactly draws a lady to the side?

• love;
• a husband is not needed (if the woman is not married), a stable relationship is not important, but you want someone to warm up at your side;
• sexual needs (or unsatisfied in the marital bed, or the desire for diversity);
• I do not want to associate myself with a permanent man (if not married now);
• support and financial security.

What is he?

What kind of lover should be, so that both the soul and the body are pleased? Of course, first of all, you need to take a reliable person as a lover. This condition goes beyond the competition and lists. But recommendations for ladies on how to choose the right lover, what mistakes cannot be forgiven, will not interfere - this is a delicate matter.

• Take care of health and contraception. Of course, sometimes such scrupulousness can cause rejection and embarrassment, but if you think that male foresight is good for both you and your companion, then you should agree with such integrity. After all, it is the man who is responsible for the health of his family, and therefore he will treat you with the same care and accuracy. Which certainly will not be harmful to your own health - but you will be sure that you can be calm for your future. It is also good when a man is neat and well-groomed. Concerning protection: it is necessary to determine who is responsible for what and how you will solve this issue from the very beginning. Do not chase thrills and trust a professional - a condom. So you will be calmer, and avoid unnecessary questions in which case. No matter what the gentleman says about his comfort, about how unusual it is, and so on, his own health depends only on you and personal perseverance in certain matters. Think about your future and how you are able to solve all sorts of issues on your own.
• The work and work interests of a friend should be autonomous from the work zone of the spouse (and yours, in fact). You can be quite uncomfortable in a situation where you suddenly find out that all the interest of a friend in you was caused by the desire to solve their issues related to their husband or you. Or a passionate desire to take revenge on a spouse or find out some confidential information. And spending time together will someday be very successfully combined with his “working” interests. In addition, when the mutual romance ends, you will have to continue to work together with the person with whom the communication is no longer so pleasant.

• Free work and personal schedule. The busier a friend is in intrigue, the more difficult it will be not only to hide the connection, but also to find time for solitary meetings in general. The work schedule is from morning until late at night, without lunch breaks and business trips, home time is under the total control of the spouse - and meetings are minimized and equal to the New Year's gift in frequency. But the sliding schedule is the most for intimate meetings. He told his wife - at work, colleagues and management - that he was at home, and on his way to his mistress.
• friend's tact. To start with giving gifts is a very delicate moment and requires a careful approach. The gift should be inconspicuous and delicately chosen, as well as presented on time - without random witnesses and prying eyes. And, of course, unnoticed at home - you never know who could give you a bouquet or perfume, colleagues or even yourself. Therefore, often romantic impulses will be in second place after a sense of self-preservation and rationality. The issue of aromas and perfumes is very important: the closer the smell of a romantic friend's cologne to the preferences of her husband, the safer you are.
• Sexual compatibility. Actually, this was the reason for the meetings, because exactly how they are held is an important factor. After all, not only for the sake of "talking", even if this is also not enough at home. In addition, external attractiveness should pull, the heart stops, the legs buckle or other signs that say: he! Also, this item may include the availability of affordable housing - otherwise the search for permanent apartments and rooms will greatly affect the psychological state and comfort.
• The ability to remain silent about the important. Women choose lovers in whom they can be sure - in reliability, stability, that they can be trusted. Much can be forgiven to a partner in a novel, but one cannot forgive a lover for the desire to quickly and constantly spread information about the current novel. It also does not hurt to listen to exactly how he speaks of his previous partners, if he speaks at all. The more and more detailed he shares his impressions with you, the more likely it is that after some time you will also be on their list. And various intimate details of a life together with him will become public, in detail.
• A married lover should have a requirement for a man that she will never say out loud, but for her safety she should present: he must have a flaw that she is not ready to put up with if their relationship were on an ongoing basis. So that there is no desire to make something more out of the novel, so that this affair can be left as a temporary whim. It would be nice to keep a married man as a gentleman - then the temptation to build permanent relationships disappears much faster.
• Don't be intrusive. Numerous text messages, constant spy calls, attempts to control and monitor actions, movements - this very quickly tires and instead of showing feelings, it becomes like persecution.
• Don't be mean. For many, such an object is already at home.

Do not complicate your life with excessive requirements for a companion - he will not be with you for life, but it is enough to satisfy basic needs when communicating with him to make it comfortable. More positive emotions and impressions, more comfort and safety - in all aspects. Of course, there are enough idealistic requirements in this list, but not all items must be present, everyone will find those points that are especially important to him.

How should a lover behave with his lady of the heart? A lot has been said on this topic, for example, the basic rules can already be seen in the requirements of a woman to her friend:

• take good care of your health;
• be tactful and delicate;
• diversify sexual life;
• keep silent in time, especially about your girlfriends or wife, as well as intimate exploits. Do not advertise the relationship - even if it gives additional bonuses to a friend;
• do not strain your girlfriend with your actions, control, excessive attention. Do not try to improve it, develop it, make it a more perfect being - she has a husband for this;
• be generous with gifts and compliments;
• remember that her safety is in the hands of a man;
• do not seek to quarrel with your spouse or even take away from the family. Regardless of the goals that a man may pursue.

Every woman is looking for something of her own outside of marriage, satisfies some requests. But it is worth remembering that you should also work on yourself - what will you bring to the connection, how will you please your companion, so that he wants to please you. And although psychology knows many cases when a happy marriage began precisely with adultery, you should not count on this as a pattern - often the story ends with a breakup.

Lovers and mistresses

Amnesty for married prisoners or a betrayal of family values?

- I'm not dating - I have a boyfriend.

- Also say: "I will not eat ice cream - I have dumplings at home!"

In this section, we'll talk about infidelity, why it occurs, whether it can be avoided, and whether it should be enjoyed.

214. Time "H"

In the life of almost every person, the time "H" comes. The time when the burden of family problems and routine duties becomes so unbearably heavy, and the collar rubs the neck so much that there is no strength to drag this cart further.

And in order not to leave this cart in the middle of the road, gentle strokes, powerful touches and affectionate words spoken in the ear are needed. And the tired little man, falling asleep, whispers to himself: All. I can not go on. I just need to fall in love. Seriously fall in love in order to die from the desire to breathe the same air with a person, so that butterflies settle in the stomach, yes, yes, butterflies, and also to feel two hot circles of blood circulation.

Very often mistresses and lovers are just an amnesty for married couples.

215. Only facts

Statistics show that in 60% of families, partners cheat on each other. Every ninth child born in a complete family was conceived not by a husband, but by a lover. More than half of the couples where one or both of the spouses committed adultery did not divorce and remained married. And only a tenth of those who divorced married their lover.

Most will agree that it is better to be ashamed in the morning than bored in the evening.

You can seduce someone else's wife, someone else's husband, neighbor, postman, boss, plumber, work colleague, and even someone else's mistress. You can't just seduce someone who is in love. Love is the only good reason not to cheat.

216. Oxytocin high

Family happiness guarantees a quiet endorphin haven. But there are people who are addicted to bursts of REA, oxytocin, dopamine and do not want any endorphins. Now I'm talking about the Don Juan syndrome. Some, getting drunk from an amphetamine cocktail in their blood, become autoaddicts and prolong the chemical happiness of falling in love, changing partner after partner.

Oxytocin is a bioactive substance produced by the brain. It sharpens the sensitivity of the nerves, stimulates muscle contractions, in particular labor pains; participates in the production of milk, indulges in maternal love and caresses, and also causes erotic games of sexual partners and orgasm.

Here it is - the chemical component of love, but still not love.

Love is the elusive substance of happiness, the experience of pain and joy, the practice of opening oneself to the world, and the world to oneself. The main thing is to go into the world with open palms. Be yourself and stop being too smart.

217. Testosterone is responsible for libido

People, entering into marriage, are guided by everything: they listen not only to their hearts, but also to the advice of relatives and friends, pay attention to the educational and material level of the future spouse, probe interests, make compatibility horoscopes, go to fortune tellers and psychics. And they forget in the heat of one simple thing - testosterone - a hormone that is responsible for libido.

The main reason for infertility in couples is the reluctance of one of the partners to have sex. And then another can take hormones, and go under the surgeon's knife for laparoscopy, and use dietary supplements, and erotic lingerie, and handcuffs with a whip. The result is one - infertility, because two children make a child.

The main reason for sexual betrayal is also the unwillingness of one of the partners to have sex. And then another can take hormones, and use dietary supplements, and erotic lingerie, and handcuffs. The result is one - boredom, monotony in sexual life, from which it turns back from the soul.

I would legally force newlyweds to take tests for testosterone and print the numbers in the passport every year so that people do not lead each other by the nose, verbally flaunting their sexual exploits, and showing a small wrinkled figure in bed.

218. Where is the border of treason

And generally speaking, Is there cheating and what is it? While we put a question mark. Is cheating extramarital sex or intimate conversations about the innermost, material assistance from a secret admirer, or the touching care of a family friend? Where is the line, after which you can say: there was a betrayal? With sex, everything is clear. Public morality has long elevated this mutual friction of the sexual organs of partners to the rank of treason. But what about other manifestations of human relationships?

There is a possibility that you and your husband/wife have good quality sex, he/she satisfies you in bed, but, perhaps, you never spoke about the meaning of life, about spiritual searches, about the most secret. And then a person appeared for whom all this is important, with whom it is simple, easy and pleasant for you to talk. Is this treason? And if yes, then what to do? Refuse intimate pastime for the sake of blind morality, saying: treason is bad?!

Or maybe you have an admirer who gives gifts - flowers, sweets, tickets to a concert of your favorite rock star. Pampers you with things that your husband has never “abused”. And you accept his courtship. Is this treason?

Sometimes family life consists of only two bands: white - honeymoon and black - until the divorce. So isn't it worth making our life striped, or better - colored? After all, you are not a thing, you do not belong to anyone!

219. One hundred and forty "if"

If a person is happy and satisfied, in love and in demand in his love, he will never even think about getting someone on the side. He just doesn't need it!

But if the boat of family love cracked, then what to do? What to do with libido if it screams, and the other half calmly snuffles in two holes and believes that “sex is not the most important thing”? Where to put the longing for tenderness, if your ears are hungry for affectionate words? What to do? Do not notice the leak, run away from the ship like a rat, or, patching up holes, allow yourself the little pleasures of life, which are called "treason"?

The choice is yours! There are no bans!

220. Indelicate Truth

“Men really like the myth that a wife, happy with her marriage, will not throw herself into the arms of a random man. However, sex “on the go” among married ladies is becoming more popular than a protracted romance “on the side,” says Alexander Poleev, a psychotherapist, associate professor at Moscow State Pedagogical University.

One can be virtuous alone, but it always takes at least two to sin. Professor Robin Baker and his brilliantly electronically equipped group of 5,000 married English women aged 30 to 40 found that 11% of their children (every ninth child!) Do not belong to the legitimate father, and in most cases the mothers themselves did not know about it . A significant part of these mothers agreed to the study by introducing into a hypnotic state, and it turned out that these children were from single sexual relationships, which women simply did not remember about in half of the cases. More than half of these connections took place during the period of ovulation, in those four or five days when the desire for the beautiful half of humanity reaches its maximum. Baker himself is convinced that the fair sex has a gene for sexual infidelity, which is activated during this period.

While male libido is falling, women are trying to solve the demographic problem by all means. And if a husband drinks beer with friends in a bar during his wife's ovulation, then his horns grow. And there's nothing to be done about it. Such a popular sign.

221. Why do women cheat?

Sometimes the social dominates us so much that it jams the urges of libido with radar. Christian morality, fidelity - as a value for everyone and everything, fear of venereal diseases ...

But no matter how happy a woman is married, she always notices with pleasure that there are men in the world who would like to see her unmarried. A beautiful wife and at the same time faithful is as rare as a successful translation of a poetic work. Such a translation is usually ugly if it is correct, and incorrect if it is beautiful.

In love, like in school: the most interesting thing is the change.

222. Why do men cheat?

People are not swans: they are polygamous. Otherwise, you and I simply would not have been born, since our ancestors would have died out many years before us.

A man is a hunter by nature. He needs to conquer and conquer, conquer and conquer. And if a libido is still splashing in a man, then, if the opportunity arises, he will show himself as a 100% male. And that's okay.

223. We cheat, they cheat on us ... As it often happens with us

There are many reasons for change, and they are all individual. Naturally, one cannot think that if there is a convenient moment, everyone will definitely change. This is wrong. Some are just lazy...

There is one important remark in the issue of change. Think about this.

Your partner in search of comfort on the side does not want to hurt you at all. He just wants to make himself feel good. Isn't love the desire for the desires of another? Aren't you happy when your partner is happy? Then what is love?

224. Don't take a random person as a lover

Mistress / lover should not be better or worse than your other half. It just has to be different! This is the most important quality. He must compensate for you all that is missing in the family.

And while everyone needs their own unique relationship puzzle, our lovers must meet a number of requirements.

“Only marriages are accidental,” my grandmother used to tell me. - And you need to take a reliable person as a lover.

And that's right. After all, he will have to observe the rules of conspiracy with you in order to protect your reputation from dirty gossip.

So, a non-random lover should:

1) keep your mouth shut;

2) love spy games - encrypt, do not send SMS without permission, write only to a personal email address and call at a strictly allotted time;

3) not be intrusive and capricious;

4) respect your right to family life and recognize the priority of this right;

5) if necessary, provide material support;

6) have a sense of humor combined with a philosophical outlook, touching romance with a rationally sober view of things, an unquenchable interest in sex without manic fanaticism;

7) to show attention and care without any claims to your undivided attention.

Of course, this is the ideal. But after all "somehow" at you and at home is.

Even Omar Khayyam remarked: “It is better to be alone than with just anyone.” After all, the only thing that separates us from the dream is a compromise.

225. If you are not a saint

If you have ever cheated on your partner in a dream or in reality, then recognize his right to “left” as well.

Otherwise, some system of double standards is obtained. Like, "what is allowed to Jupiter is not allowed to the bull." You, Jupiter, be careful with your conclusions, otherwise you will become a deer, and the horns will prevent you from passing through the door.

226. Just a Chance

Adultery is a projection of democracy on love relationships.

For some, the very possibility of committing treason has an exciting effect - this is the main factor.

When a person is given such an opportunity, he will change in 40% of cases.

227. Work is a very sexy place.

Where do we spend most of our lives, its most active hours? Where do we leave all our strength? Where do we burn? That's right - at work!

Is there a better opportunity for romance than the one presented in an office full of attractive members of the opposite sex?

Working men and women are more likely to commit adultery than those who stay at home. Half of the "service" novels are started by married people. 30% of people find lovers at work.

228. A bad example is contagious

According to psychologists, there is a clear tendency to repeat "family traditions" in the behavior of matured children. If a child saw the betrayal of one of the parents, he may well conclude that infidelity in family life is the norm, an objective reality, an ordinary part of everyday life and relationships.

A powerful factor in infidelity is friends example. It can be just a conversation about lovers and mistresses. The more contacts and communication a person has, the more friends he has who cheat in marriage. And their example can be contagious.

229. Active libido pushes women to seek

Sexologists have established a direct relationship between sexual experience before marriage and extramarital affairs: the richer the former, the greater the likelihood of adultery. The largest proportion of adultery falls on the female age group of 26–30 years.

Recent studies have shown that young wives now cheat more often than young husbands.

Sociologists believe that in most cases, if a woman initiates sex at home, she is prone to cheating. This trend is especially evident in women who have reached the age of forty. They have a different view of the initiative in sex than those women who are ready to wait for a man to offer.

230. Regular shifts along the coordinate axis?

About ten or fifteen years ago, when sex and adultery were all over the place in the media, bookstores were flooded with brochures for women: “How to survive the pain of separation?”, “101 secrets to drive him crazy in bed” (I personally bought one a book in the 10th grade!), “How to find the strength to forgive infidelity”, “Is there life after a divorce?”.

In women's periodicals, fifteen pages out of sixteen were devoted to similar topics (on the sixteenth there were jokes, recipes and a TV program for the next week for unwelcome and abandoned housewives).

Under the influence of democracy, the press and libido, women liberated themselves, learned to forgive betrayals, forget betrayals. Marital infidelity and completely ceased to be considered infidelity. They mastered 101 secrets, went into a new marriage after another divorce, like children in school. They drove countless men crazy and shifted the natural axes of coordinates to a strange area where men are visited by panic attacks, impotence and infantilization.

231. Natural right to "left"

In a reputable Moscow publication, I read an article by a serious economic analyst on an unusual topic for him. He suddenly arranged in his author's column Yaroslavna's public lamentation on the topic of a thin, vulnerable male soul. He spoke about how insulting it is when a man plows for days for the benefit of the family, and his wife does not leave home, does not leave her husband, but, using all material benefits, cheats on him on the sly. But the journalist did not voice hysterically and not like a woman (they say she cried, wiped away her tears and returned to the borscht again). No! He has always remained an analyst. Even in such a burning topic. He offered actively working men several ways to rein in relaxed wives.

First, return to the patriarchal way of life: be silent, woman, your day is March 8th. In the house, a man is not a whack-whack, but a master. Secondly, to strictly limit the unbelted wives in material means: a minimum of new clothes, visits to solariums, hairdressers and other beauty salons. Thirdly - and this is the most effective method! - you need to send wives to hard work so that they are so tired that the very thought of sex would seem blasphemous to them.

And it didn’t even occur to this wonderful analyst that you can have sex with your wife in such a way that the trip to the left, to another man, becomes completely uninteresting to her.

If you fully satisfy the second half in the family bed, she will not go to the side.

In a big city where no one knows each other, it is much easier to start an affair and - more importantly - hide it than in a small town where you can’t say too much because everyone will already know.

Big city - big opportunities. And for change as well.

233. The woman is the head of the family

Today, many masculine features have appeared in the portrait of an ideal woman. Husbands want their wives to do not only housework, but also business, earn a lot, be public figures, leaders of public opinion.

A woman in a leading role is more likely to have an extramarital affair. She is more proactive than a woman who obeys her husband in everything, and, naturally, is more confident in herself and her future.

The shift in gender roles allows women not only to earn money, to run for deputies, but also to change.

234. When one loves another too much

More often than not, the partner who loves less is less dependent and therefore more likely to risk the marriage. On the other hand, the more dependent partner values ​​marriage too much to even look away. This also applies to those men and women who do not love their partners, but are married for convenience.

The most reliable defense against betrayal is love - unconditional, a priori, natural, inexplicable, basic, physiological, volcanic.

235. Education leads to sin

Those who excel their partner in education are more likely to cheat and have more extramarital affairs. Most often, education affects betrayal at a more mature age.

We get higher education in the metropolis. A good level of secular education speaks of the emancipation of views, of internal democracy, of the flexibility of consciousness, of the acceptance of various points of view, of a certain radicalism in behavior. And all these factors speculatively make the very fact of treason possible.

236. Frequent separations leave no chance for boredom

Frequent business trips, irregular working hours, work in different shifts make the likelihood of love affairs on the side very high. Separated partners are more likely to have extramarital affairs.

Researchers have found that married partners who take separate vacations have 20% more extramarital contacts than non-marital partners.

237. Sex does not spoil friendship

When time is short, there is no time for friendship - only love.

A man never becomes a woman's friend if he can become her lover. And either former or future lovers become good friends. So, if your half has a wide circle of contacts with the opposite sex, know that among these friends there are both ex-partners and future applicants for the bed with your love of life.

238. Dissatisfaction with marriage turns left

A negative assessment of one's marriage is also one of the main factors in adultery. Mature partners prefer to make up for the failures of their marriage with love relationships on the side, while younger partners who are disappointed in their marriage prefer to divorce.

The lower the frequency of marital sexual intercourse, the more likely extramarital affairs.

For women, the influence of this factor on infidelity has increased with the advent of the era of sexual freedom and the realization that every woman is worthy of realizing her sexual desires.

239. You can change your partner. Yourself - never!

The question of why people change, I have already brought up for discussion. They change for various reasons - boredom, longing for tenderness, quarrels with a partner, the desire for new sensations, collecting, but you never know more reasons ?!

When you get tired of making one love, you need to make two. The main thing is that with all the sexual experiences that have happened and the missed chances, you remain in harmony with your conscience so that it does not gnaw at you at night.

240. A mature man in sex can only be surprised by a knock on the door!

And again I will please you with funny aphorisms:

If you really love, then such a woman, so that with her it would not be a shame to catch the eye of his wife.

When you come home late, do not think about what to say to the second half, she will tell you everything herself. In this case, the face should be stone, and you need to speak only the truth. And only three boxes.

Someone else's wife is always better than his own, but only as long as she remains.

An idiot's dream usually looks like the neighbor's wife. After all, in another woman you usually like what you don’t notice in your own wife ...

As a rule, the problem is not that the wife loves her husband, but that she loves only him.

Look for the culprit of treason in the mirror.

241. What to do?

During a married life, almost every woman several times (4-6) enters into a short-term (usually one-time) sexual relationship, usually with a work colleague, an old friend or just a casual acquaintance.

Have you now learned something that you would rather never know? What will you do? Grab your wife's hand, your offspring's leg, and run to the clinic to do a genetic analysis? Nonsense!

Calm down, take a break and think about male solidarity. Perhaps now your offspring, conceived from a casual relationship, is being raised by your friend or boss. Perhaps you are lucky and you are raising your own child. And possibly someone else's. But what's the difference if you love your child?

242. Do you want to avoid adultery?

Give the second half everything she needs - care, attention, affection, material wealth, children. Share the interests, aspirations and feelings of your partner. Do not part with your loved ones more than once a year, for more than twelve days.

Can you? Difficult, you say? Yes, I know it's not easy.

Family is a big job. And if you feel that such a load will tear you to the British flag, then maybe close your eyes and let the other half have a little outlet on the side?

243. If you suspect cheating or found out about it

Look in the mirror - the reason is somewhere there.

But sex on the side is not the whole life. People are not things, not your property, not your slaves. They cannot belong to you completely and irrevocably. Everyone has their own life. And your plans for it. Be grateful if the person you love shares at least part of your life with you. Many don't even have that. The love of many is unrequited.

After all, if your half lives with you, it means that by her presence she has already proved a hundred times that your relationship is important, more important than all the other little things. And that's all that matters! No need to break the fragile vessel of family relationships with your own hands.

If we don’t know for sure about treason, then it doesn’t exist. And if we know, then we learn to forgive. Categoricalness is a sign of weakness. A sign of greatness is indulgence and the ability to forgive. It is also an indicator of true power and wisdom. Remember Schindler's List? So this movie is worth re-watching!

244. The way back is always free

They say that betrayal changes the consciousness of a person so much that there is no way back to the former family. Smile! And let those who have never swum to the left tell you that you cannot enter the same river twice. Smile and don't reveal the secret you know: you are not a thing, you don't belong to anyone!

You are a cat that walks by itself and decides for itself where to go - to the right or to the left ...

Question on the men's forum.

An urgent question. I need an advice. Thank you in advance. Some time ago, I began to suspect my wife of going "to the left." Everything is as usual.
If I answer phone calls, they hang up. She began to meet often “with her girlfriends”, when I ask with whom exactly, she replies that I don’t know them anyway. I always wait for the taxi she takes home, but she comes around the corner of the house, so I can't see what kind of car it is.
One day I took her cell phone to see what time it was, she got so mad and forbade me to touch it. Anyway, I never mentioned it to her. I guess I would never want to know the truth, but last night, when she left for no reason, I became interested. I decided to hide behind my car - from there a wonderful view of the whole street opens up and I can see which car she gets into. I squatted down by my car and suddenly noticed that the brake discs on the front wheel had some kind of spots that looked like rust.
Tell me, is it possible to ride with such disks or do I need to grind them, and if I need to change, is it possible to put a non-original one, or if so, which one is better? I really hope for your qualified help in this important issue for me.

An English aristocrat calls home from the club late in the evening. The servant picks up the phone.
- Volume?
- Yes, sir!
- Go check what my wife is doing. A minute later, Tom returns and calmly reports:
- Sleeping with you, sir!
- What?! Tom, take a gun from my office and shoot them both! Do not hang up: as you kill, you will report.
Twenty minutes later the servant answers the phone:
- Hello? Done sir!
"Tom, why did you take so long with them?"
- Couldn't hit your wife, sir. She ran around the fountain in the living room.
- What are you talking about, Tom? I don't have a fountain in my living room!
- Excuse me, sir, but there is a fountain.
“Oh shit, looks like I dialed the wrong number again…”

A woman comes to her husband's office and finds her husband sitting on a chair with his secretary on his knees! The husband, without losing his presence of mind, pretends to dictate:
- Despite the financial crisis of our company, the purchase of a second chair is a must!

Somehow in one office they started talking about traffic cops. Well, everyone shares excuses with colleagues in front of gays in case of violation.
One employee says:
- When they slow me down for speeding, I say, like: “The boss, sorry, the neighbor called and said: some boyfriend came to my house. One hundred percent option - always let go!
Well, everyone laughed, praised him for his resourcefulness and forgot about it.
About two weeks later, one employee was two hours late for work. She came very angry and said:
- Estimate, I exceeded the speed limit, a traffic cop slows me down, well, I told him, they say: the boss, so and so, the neighbor called, said that some bitch came to my house as soon as I left for work. Well, you understand, I lost my nerves, now I’ll come and scratch out the eyes of both of them. So he, the bastard, wrote down the protocol for a long, long time, and wrote down my home phone number, and examined the car, and checked the first-aid kit, and opened the hood, and looked into the trunk ...

Vovochka says to mom:
- Mom, every night I wake up from the noise in your bedroom. Today I looked and saw that it was you jumping on dad.
- Yes ... well ... you see, dad has a very big belly, and I want it to be thinner, and I tamp it ...
“You won’t succeed,” Vovochka says.
- Why?
- Because every morning, after you leave for work, a neighbor comes and inflates him again.

My husband came home from work early. He enters the bedroom, and there is his wife in bed.
- What are you up to?
- Oh, something with the heart. Go to the pharmacy, buy medicine!
The husband leaves the room, and there is the son.
- What are you doing here?
- Yes, there (nods at the bedroom) Uncle Borya is hiding in the closet.
The husband returns to the bedroom, opens the closet, and there is neighbor Boris.
- Borya, what are you, ofigel? My wife is dying, and you and your son are playing hide-and-seek!

Two women are on the train. One complains:
- Not life, but longing. Money is never enough!
- So get yourself a lover, but take 500 bucks a month from him!
- Where can I get this?
- Well, get two for 250.
Yes, it's also problematic.
- Then 4 to 125!
Top shelf guy
- Get to 5 bucks - wake up.

The wife began to suspect her husband of treason and hired a detective to find out everything once and for all. A week later, a detective comes and gives her printouts of his telephone conversations, and it says so! In the evening, the wife, angry from the threshold, throws a piece of paper to her husband.
He reads, grows sad, turns pale, then doomedly says:
- Well, what are we going to do now?
She, in a rage, poking at a piece of paper:
- Today, this, this, and the entire fifth paragraph!

The wife is having fun with her lover, suddenly hears, the husband begins to open the door. The woman falls to her knees
- Lord, if you exist, make sure that the lover disappears and the husband does not notice anything, then I will bear any punishment!
A loud voice is heard from above:
- Fine! But for this you will die from water!
The lover disappeared, the apartment was tidied up and the husband did not notice anything. 3 years have passed. The woman all this time avoided water in every possible way, but then she got a free ticket to a round-the-world sea voyage. As soon as the shore disappeared from sight, a terrible storm began. The aunt remembers the promise, prays:
- Lord, kill me, I deserve it, but don't let the rest of the innocent passengers die!?
- Shut up! I've been collecting you, damn it, for three years on this ship!

“Only marriages are accidental,” said one grandmother. “And you need to take a reliable person as a lover ...”

8 months ago

[best of the day] [top of the week] [best of the month] [random joke]

And remember, - says the grandmother, - in the life of every woman there should be only one big love.
- And who was your great love, grandmother?
- Sailors...

As my grandmother used to say:
- Never be afraid of old age!

The grandmother stops the young man and asks:
- Son, how can I get to the hospital?
- Well, grandmother, for example, go out onto the road ...

My grandmother always said: "Granddaughter, always tell people the truth and only the truth, and then, look, nonsense will pass."

Mom, do frogs wear glasses?
- Of course not!
- So, this grandmother swims in the pond ...

It turns out that in childhood, Trump and Macron had the same favorite fairy tale - Little Red Riding Hood, only Trump liked the girl more, and Macron liked the grandmother.

Alcohol is an excellent solvent. It dissolves marriages, friendships, families, jobs, bank accounts, livers and brains. But just not a problem.

As my grandmother used to say: everything that does not kill us can be done again

My mother told me that in order to keep a man, you have to be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in bed. So, I hired the first two, and now I take on only the bed.

Two blondes came to the zoo. One of the blondes lingered for a while at the cage with the monkeys.
- What are you doing here? her friend asks.
“I want to see how some ape turns into a man.
- Stupid! To do this, you need to stand here for a whole year!

There are European countries, and there are Central European countries. Cosmic, you know, the difference.

A woman is like a fancy phone - there are many functions, but only one is needed, but in order to use it, you need to connect an extremely unfavorable tariff.

Men are like books: some are boring, some are interesting, and sometimes money is hidden in them.

Do you have rapes in Ivanovo?
- Of course, there are. Therefore, men try not to go outside in the evenings.

Doctor, do you make mistakes?
- Yes, there are, but we bury them!

As my grandmother used to say: it's better to shoot, reload and shoot again than to shine a flashlight and ask "Who's there?"

I'm sitting here thinking...
It was as if my grandmother said that all the best things were produced in the Soviet Union...
They don't make people like me anymore!

A violinist stands in the African savannah and plays the violin awesomely.
A lion came up, lay down two steps away and listened. Two more lions came up and lay down and listened. Then the fourth one brings down the violinist and eats. In a neighboring tree, one monkey says to another:
- I told you, as soon as the deaf man comes, the music will end!

Mom! My lips are chapped!
- I told you - winter on the street! Pants need to be warm!

Stirlitz, a Russian intelligence agent works in our department, only three people know about it: me, him, and now you.
- Parteigenosse, only two people knew about it, because he is me, but now only one person knows about it, because you just drank poisoned whiskey.

In the life of almost every woman, there comes a time "H", when she realizes that she needs to fall in love. "I want to have a lover!" - many women think, but not everyone decides to fulfill what they want. Meanwhile, the best way to get rid of temptation is to succumb to it. After all, you can start, educate and leave a lover on time without any consequences for the family hearth.

In order not to leave the cart of a boring family life in the middle of the road, a woman needs gentle strokes, powerful touches of strong male hands and affectionate words whispered in her ear. And, tired, she, falling asleep, whispers to herself: “That's it. I can not go on. I just need to fall in love. Seriously fall in love, in order to die from the desire to simply breathe the same air with a person, so that butterflies settle in the stomach, yes, yes, butterflies, and also to feel two hot circles of blood circulation.

This is poetry. And for some time she becomes the meaning of a woman's life, she pushes her to look for a lover. And there is nothing reprehensible in this, because mistresses and lovers are a kind of amnesty for married people.

But before a woman decides to move from words to deeds, her soul will be subjected to her own moral torture. Two angels - white and black - will cross their swords, trying to win over the hostess to their side. The good girl inside the woman will categorically declare: "A lover is evil, this is a violation of the husband's copyright law on his wife as his own property." The bad girl will balk: "I'm not his property!" The white angel will smile sadly and wisely say: "A lover is the second disappointment of a married woman." Black will sarcastically remark: “A lover needs only one thing from you, but give your husband the first, second, and compote.” But whatever they tell you, let common sense and female intuition win. Let a one-night stand adventure, a holiday or office romance, or maybe even a long road in the dunes happen to you.

How to choose a lover

The lover should not be better or worse than the husband. It just has to be different! It's the most important. He must compensate for the woman everything that she lacks in the family. And each representative of the fair sex needs her own unique puzzle in the mosaic of relationships, but at the same time, all lovers should still have common features.

« Only marriages are random, my grandmother used to tell me. - And you need to take a reliable person as a lover ... "

And that's right. After all, the lover will have to follow the rules of conspiracy with you in order to protect your immaculate reputation as a respectable wife from dirty gossip.

So, a non-random lover should...

Keep your mouth shut.

Love spy games: do not send sms without permission, write only to a personal email address and call at a strictly allotted time.

Do not be intrusive and capricious.

Respect your right to family life and recognize the priority of this right.

Provide financial support as needed.

To have a sense of humor combined with a philosophical outlook, touching romance with a rational sober view of things, an unquenchable interest in sex without manic fanaticism.

To show attention and care in everything ... without any demand for reciprocal caresses.

Of course, this is the ideal. But Omar Khayyam also remarked: "You'd rather be alone than with just anyone." After all, the only thing that separates us from the dream is a compromise.

Love and Bonuses

No matter how disinterested and romantic a woman is known to be, when she has a lover, she always counts on certain bonuses. All these benefits have been known for centuries.

What can you turn your loved one on? For sex, attention, care, position in society, career growth, gifts, money and useful acquaintances. But the main thing that all women dream of is to unwind a lover for love ...

Love is always good, even if it hurts, like an operation without anesthesia, even if it's scary, like a parachute jump. Good, because love opens us to ourselves, opens us to the world, and the world, renewed and beautiful, gives us the joy of life. Love exacerbates all feelings and sensations, changes the attitude towards people, outlook on life, teaches sympathy and empathy, makes us cleaner, better, more resourceful, more cunning, more jealous, more attractive.

Benefits for the husband

By the way, one way or another, the legal spouse also extracts the pluses from the wife's love adventure. A woman begins to selflessly monitor her figure and appearance, she is almost always in high spirits: she sings in the kitchen, is more patient with her husband and children, does not scream or cry for no reason, referring to PMS. Meanwhile, the need to receive compliments and gifts from her husband is significantly reduced, and a slight feeling of guilt makes a woman in love pay more attention to children, cook tastier and create an atmosphere of universal love. An undoubted plus is that a new sexual experience instills self-confidence in a woman, liberates her and can serve as an impetus for experiments in a marital bed.

The main thing is to approach the issue wisely and not arouse unnecessary suspicion. Tell your husband that the erotic movie you recently watched at a bachelorette party suggested new sexual positions. And a late return home - the preparation of a quarterly report, for which you will definitely receive a bonus in a week. Do you think I'm asking you to lie? No, I'm just asking you not to destroy the nest that was built with such difficulty with your new outburst of emotions. Take care of your husband and children - they are the closest people in your life and should never become hostages of your happiness.

It's good to love a married man

A good lover is a married lover. Therefore, it is best to choose a married lover. Then you will spend all the holidays with your families and without offense. A married man cherishes his marriage and does not want a divorce just like you. He is simply tired of family monotony and is looking for understanding in your arms. Give each other this understanding without hurting your loved ones. Believe that it is in your power to protect them from disappointment.

A married man will not blackmail you and deliberately leave evidence of your affair in order to spoil the mood of your spouse. A married man is also a husband. And therefore, you will not need to cook borscht for him or wash his shirts. All this will be done by his wife. So your household skills will be applied exclusively for their intended purpose and only in your family.

It's time to part

Love is beautiful, but it has one problem. She passes. By the way, determining the time for parting is not so simple. It comes sometimes before the hormones of love finally subside. It's like saturation. You eat, you eat, but your hunger is not satisfied. But you know for sure that it's time to stop, that in fifteen minutes you will feel not just satiety, but satiety from food. It's the same in novels. The moment of parting must be felt with the skin. It cannot be delayed, it cannot be stretched out for years, for a time during which you can experience many more beautiful adventures.

I know for sure that, before becoming the initiator of a break, every woman remembers Antoine de Saint-Exupery's favorite fairy tale from childhood "The Little Prince" and the phrase: "We are responsible for those we have tamed." As soon as a woman remembers them, she begins to suffer and suffer from the fact that the person she decided to leave will not be able to breathe without her. And why do we have such delusions of grandeur? Dudki! How else can he!

If you really want to get rid of an annoying lover, do it wisely. Let him think that he left you. Men who “leave” women are very generous: they often give them the last gifts, make money “as a sacrifice”, put useful little things on the altar of love in order to somehow atone for their guilt.

If your lover does not understand the hints and is not going to leave you, take the reins of government into your own hands. There are two ways: eco-friendly and non-environmental. Non-environmental - without explanation, become a bitch: be rude, offended, demand money, constantly talk about your husband with tenderness, refuse sex, reduce meetings to a minimum and arrange an information blockade, up to changing your mobile phone number, until he himself howls from your behavior.

The eco-friendly way comes down to a banal honest conversation. Simple and effective. No need to spit in the soul, no need to be cunning - you just need to frankly say that you are grateful for the good that once was between you, but now you are no longer on your way.

Love for a married man is a notorious tragedy. An extremely small number of such stories end in a male divorce and a new marriage with a former mistress. Almost always, a man successfully sits on two chairs, and his mistress suffers, being deceived by disembodied hopes.

However, there are lucky ones who do not pretend that their doomed romance is a source of pure joy. They actually enjoy meeting a married man and do not turn into sufferers with an eternally plaintive puppy look. How do they do it?

We talked to women who consciously go for romance with married people. Then we systematized all the advice they give to girls who have their eyes on unfree men. It turned out interesting and very useful. We share with you the rules of relations with married men.

Don't fall in love

The first and most important thing, without which meetings with a married man sooner or later turn into hell, is the ability to hear your heart. Having fallen in love, you become defenseless against the hope of tearing a man out of the family, and you lose all chances for the romance to last long and be fruitful.

If you feel that you stop noticing other men, that this is what you would like to spend all your free time with, break off the relationship. Sharply and ruthlessly, not listening to either the persuasion of the man or his unwillingness to do so. Love for a married man has no place in your life: it is a destructive path that will only lead to despair and wasted years. There are many free men in the world who can be loved joyfully and without fear. You will forget this love, and later, when the clouding of your mind passes, you will be proud of your determination.

An affair with a married man can only be for sex and a good time.

Follow care products

Forget about your favorite perfume, strong-smelling shower gels, colored lipstick and other body products that can leave a mark on a man. If a man is dating you and you are smart, then the wife is not too simple either. It is very easy to smell another woman. It is unlikely that a man will need a second interrogation from his wife: he would rather end the relationship with you than risk family stability.

In addition, you will do him a favor (and cause him to respect you) if, before parting, you check if your hair is left on his body and clothes.

Internet communication rules

Forbidden love for a married man Do not add him as a friend on social networks. If he is already your friend, it is better to delete - in order to avoid trouble. In no case, no comments on his statuses, photos and other things.

If it seems to you that it is impossible to calculate you, do not flatter yourself: a wife who suspects her husband of treason is capable of a lot. You will never know that the sweet new acquaintance (or acquaintance!), with whom you chat cutely, is your lover's wife conducting an investigation.

If you value communication with a man, forget about his existence on the Internet!

Taboo on topics about wife

By the way, about his wife - do not ask and do not listen. If he starts complaining about her, stop it! Do you want to be third in their relationship? If not, let his friends or a psychotherapist be the vest. You are for someone else.

By the way, when you start a relationship with a married man, specify right away why you both need this connection. And if you don't like something, let us know right away. Lovers, at least one of whom is married, is a business union. Let it be cynical, but you must understand what they want from you. And leave sentiments, romance and omissions to his wife.

Expect nothing

Yes, one of the most important points. You can only expect in a relationship with a married lover what you immediately agreed on. If a man told you that he would not leave the family, stand firm in the position that this is the way it is. Even if you want to believe it's not true, act like it's the ultimate truth. Something will change - the man will tell you about it. There is nothing worse in an affair with a married man than the silent expectation of specific actions that the man does not know about.

Ban on calls and texts

He should call. Clearly and in advance specify the time when you can call a man so that it does not go sideways to him.

Never call him in the evening (unless agreed), on weekends and holidays. Don't send messages. A man will only then be happy to “hold” his mistress when she does not interfere with his usual life. You should be a source of joy, not additional tension. It's not easy for a married man to date you.