Is it hard to be a single mother? Single mom - an end to personal life? How to live well as a single mother
Spring, the sun is shining and the birds are singing. My youngest son takes his first steps down the path in the park. He tries his best. “Top, top, stomp baby,” I sing along. The eldest son encourages his little brother and laughs, watching his clumsy movements. We are easy and happy.
I am single and call myself a "squared solo mom". Now I am satisfied with myself, children and the world in general. It wasn't always like that. There were disappointments, self-accusations and fear that I could not cope, I could not stand it.
But now I know from my own experience that if, for some reason, a child does not grow up in a complete family, this does not mean at all that he or his mother cannot be happy. As always, it's not the situation, but the point of view on it.
It is clear that the attitude to what is happening does not change in an instant, "at the click." Especially if now you are depressed, you feel like a “inferior” woman and a “wrong” mother. But there is a way out of the dark tunnel! You just need not to get stuck in it, not to sit in total darkness and cry, but to start walking towards the light, even through tears.
1. Accept yourself and take responsibility for your life
This does not mean to engage in endless self-digging in order to be convinced for the hundred and twenty-first time “what a good-for-nothing person I am.” No. Honestly and calmly admit that with your beliefs, unconscious behavior, you yourself attracted this situation (especially if you considered yourself only a victim of circumstances and constant failures). And it depends only on you, your attitude towards yourself, towards others, towards life itself, how circumstances will develop in the future.
It is important to trust feelings, not to dismiss them, to be frank with yourself (after all, you have no one closer than yourself). Perhaps there is resentment against your parents who never supported you, neither in childhood, nor now. Maybe tormented by anger at a former partner. He did not live up to expectations, did not fulfill his promises, and generally turned out to be who he really was, and not the “real man” he wanted to be.
Do not ignore these emotions - splash them out on paper, speak into the recorder, do not be shy in expressions, howl, growl, hit the pillow. Just give yourself a specific timeframe, depending on the severity and depth of the experience, for example 14 days. You don't want to sit and wallow in negativity all your life.
Then realize that everything is in the past, no matter what you and others were. Now you are an adult, independent woman. And your happiness depends only on you.
Unpleasant emotions and feelings can make themselves felt from time to time (especially if they have been cherished in your heart for a long time). Then again grab the recorder, pen, pillow, setting a certain time period for yourself (for example, 2 hours on Wednesdays when the child falls asleep). Then again remember your maturity.
Don't go from blaming others to beating yourself up. It has nothing to do with self-acceptance, but only drives you into a corner and does not allow you to develop. Get out of there, no one is holding you there. You don't have to answer to anyone for your life. Yes, you made mistakes like everyone else. You have the right to do so and you no longer intend to reproach yourself with this.
At this stage, it is more effective to contact a psychologist. If there is such an opportunity, do not neglect it. Reading relevant literature also helps. Live under the motto "The salvation of the discouraged is the work of the discouraged themselves."
2. Accept the situation
Are you ashamed, bitter, offended that you have to carry everything on yourself, to raise a child alone, or even several children? If you feel that you are again reproaching yourself, scolding others, return to the previous paragraph. Has the time for blame passed? Then wait for the next session - on Wednesday from 20:00 to 21:00.
Now focus on what is, highlight the "dry residue". Describe the situation with facts. “I plow like a horse, and the money is barely enough to live on. We are cramped in our wretched apartment. No one helps me, and there is no personal life either” - this is not a “dry residue”, but emotions.
To paraphrase: “I work as an economist five times a week from 08:00 to 17:00. My salary is 20 thousand per month and a bonus at the end of the year. My expenses for the month: for groceries... for a kindergarten... for utility bills... My daughter and I live in a one-room apartment of 35 square meters. m. Once a week my daughter is picked up by my mother / father of the girl / sister. Now I don't have a husband, a partner...” and so on. Be sure to add "at the moment" (after all, it will not always be so).
The bare facts no longer look so frightening and hopeless. Especially if you remember that someone has sick children, you have to live in a hostel, etc.
Read the summary of your current life again. Realize that this is the situation right now. Even if you don't like it. The facts speak for themselves. Please note: they do not evaluate you or other people, but simply objectively reflect reality.
The next time you catch yourself thinking that “the ex-husband is a beast, pays the unfortunate 5,000 a month,” correct yourself: “I receive alimony in the amount of 5,000 rubles every month.”
After passing through these two stages, you can proceed to the next.
3. Do not feel guilty for the child, stop feeling sorry for him
Your child lives with his mother, that is, he is brought up in an incomplete family - this is a fact (see paragraph above). How do you feel about him about this? Do you feel sorry for him or are you afraid that you will not be able to raise a real man, give a decent education, etc.? Therefore, you fight like a fish on ice to give him everything, to protect him from all imaginary and real threats?
And what about those who grow up in an orphanage, were born disabled, whose parents are alcoholics? By comparison, your child's situation no longer seems hopeless. He has a loving mother and normal (if not luxurious) living conditions. There are many examples when, despite the most difficult circumstances, people grow up happy and successful. So why is your child in a special "unfortunate" status? Do not burden his life with unnecessary sacrifice, pity. Throw off this stone from him and from yourself.
If a son or daughter asks uncomfortable questions, do not be afraid of them. “Yes, we do not live with dad together. That happens. Friends also sometimes quarrel and stop talking. Some children have grandparents, while others do not.” Young children read the reactions of adults. If the mother speaks calmly, without tragedy in her voice, then the child adopts her attitude.
Just do not delve into the reasons for the divorce, speak badly about your ex-husband. Children need to be loved. They are not arbiters or psychologists for their parents. “You were born in love. We were waiting for you very much ”- this is the main thing that the child should know.
Like you, the child may feel sadness, resentment. Listen to him without ratings and comments, say that you understand his feelings and always support him. Every person sooner or later has to deal with disappointments and defeats. This is a certain stage in the development of personality, and mom needs to accept it.
You should not give the child empty hopes that “someday dad will return”, “we will live separately for a while, and then we will all be together again.” Now it will work, but then it will turn into an even greater disaster. Plus, the child may stop trusting his mother.
4. Build a relationship with the father of the child
If the ex-husband / partner is ready to help financially, communicate with the child without setting him against you, without manipulating him, then you should not turn away. Yes, while it hurts, it's a shame. Perhaps he has a different family and even other children. But these are your emotions and your relationships - you have to deal with this.
The more love and support there is in a child's life, the more confident he feels. It is great if he develops friendly relations with the new beloved of her husband, his children from another marriage. Yes, yes, it's wonderful. No one will ever replace his mother - this is an axiom that does not require proof. But besides her, there are other people with whom he can be comfortable. In addition, by recognizing the ex-husband's right to happiness with another partner, you give this right to yourself.
There are situations when the father is not in the life of the child of his own free will, or you are forced to protect the child from him (leads an antisocial lifestyle, treats the child rudely, uses him to take revenge on you, etc.). Even so, be grateful to him for being in your life. After all, what attracted you to him, were there rare, but happy moments? In the end, thanks to him there is a son or daughter.
Yes, he may have caused a lot of pain. But now you are the mistress of your life and will not waste it on constant accusations. And in this case, the task of the mother is to support the child: “I understand that you are bitter because you do not communicate with dad. But his loss is much greater because he doesn't see how wonderful his son is growing up."
5. Stop looking at others
Gone are the days when a single mother was condemned and a divorced woman was considered a black sheep. But still, there are “well-wishers” (relatives, colleagues, childhood friends) who add fuel to the fire: they give unsolicited advice, regret, condemn and simply climb into the soul without knocking. All their comments and reasoning have nothing to do with you. Such people want to diversify their gray life at the expense of others, raise self-esteem, feel significant.
It is not worth wasting your energy on excuses, persuading that "I'm fine", and even more so on arguments and counterattacks. Smile and turn the conversation to another topic, make an unexpected compliment: “How this gray-brown-crimson color refreshes you, Aunt Zina ...” Or tell a joke that is better to stock up in advance.
In the case when the “well-wisher” persists in his desire to benefit his neighbor, you can calmly say that this topic is not interesting to you, or finally just leave under a plausible pretext (“Sorry, I’m running on a date”). If, after meeting with such people, anger boils inside, a feeling of guilt torments, then you need to go back a few steps again (accept yourself and the situation).
Others do not have to be always on your side and even behave tactfully. This is fine.
6. Hang out with positive people
Man is a social being, so the need for communication with other people is natural. It's all about with whom and how to communicate. Take a look around. With whom is it pleasant to talk, who charges with positive energy? Just do not look for allies to unite and mourn your unsuccessful life together and complain about everyone and everything. Look for those who are open, enthusiastic, ironic, and generous with their optimism. There are many such people. If you don't see them, it means you don't want to see them or you're looking in the wrong place.
Of course, it is impossible to change the usual circle of acquaintances in one day. But to pay attention to a benevolent old woman in transport or to exchange a couple of phrases with a cheerful neighbor is already the beginning of change.
7. Seek inspiration
Do you still remember what gives you strength, inspires you? What are you willing to do just for fun? Books, movies, sports, travelling, dancing, photography... Remember what you loved as a child.
Start small. If you don’t dare to go to the gym right away, take a walk in the park in the evenings; there is no money for a trip to the cherished Italy - go for a day or two to another city, having previously found out what sights are there.
Watch inspiring films, maybe they are stories about strong women or light-hearted comedies for you. Read books, watch webinars.
Move in small steps in the direction of what interests you, pleases, develops. Get out of the usual circle of "home-work-kindergarten", do not turn into a round-the-clock mom-horse.
8. Get rid of illusions
It is foolish to convince yourself that it is so difficult and joyless for you, because you are alone. And hope that the appearance of a man will change your life. Some difficulties will disappear (or maybe they will remain), but others will appear.
It's no secret that in many families there is neither warmth, nor understanding, nor respect.
It's not that being alone is the only right decision. It is simply impossible to get a “better” life, win the “ideal” husband lottery, without changing internally. There is a great chance that the new story will turn out to be just a repetition of the past with slight variations. As they say, "the same eggs, only in profile."
9. Change status
This does not mean the status on the pages in social networks, but who you consider yourself to be. Maybe it's time to forget the dull "lonely" and change it to the inspiring "free"? Free for new love, new discoveries, new experiences.
Since now is such a period in life, it means that it is needed for something. Rethink yourself and your attitude to the world, learn new things, understand and accept others - use this chance.
Do not forget about other, more mundane virtues of freedom: you yourself plan your budget and time, you do not report to anyone. There are positives to be found in every situation. If they are not visible at all, then it’s just dark, look with a flashlight.
Remember the famous expression of the great classic "all happy families are happy the same"? After all, mother and child are family. If you have to perform a solo part in education, then let it be virtuoso! Only a happy mother raises happy children!
Editorial
But, of course, divorce seriously hits the partners themselves who decide to end the relationship. How to survive a breakup, says Daphne Rose Kingma in the book of the same name:.
One of the reasons why ending a relationship is so difficult is that after a breakup, you kind of tear off a part of yourself that has managed to firmly grow together with a former lover. How to do it the least painful, read the psychologist's instructions. Yaroslav Voznyuk: .
In life, as you know, there are no guarantees, and everything happens. For example, in a family with a child, a divorce may occur, as a result of which the woman becomes a single mother. A new status usually comes with a whole heap of social stereotypes, most of which have long been outdated. If we take the latter for the truth, they form false expectations and attitudes in us, preventing us from living a full life. Psychologist Katerina Demina talks about the most common myths hovering around the image of a single mother.
1) "I will never marry again."
Marriage is both scary and alluring after a traumatic relationship with the father of a child (and they must have been traumatic, otherwise why wouldn't you live happily together?). On the one hand, a woman with a child needs support, care and basic food, which a kind and caring husband can provide. On the other hand, after parting, you can be disappointed, fearful, overgrown with thorns or even poisonous self-igniting needles. You have the right. Stepping on the same rake again? Where is the guarantee that the new lover will not behave as foolishly as the previous one?
There is no guarantee, of course. If your choice program settings are down, if you take control and violence as a concern, or, on the contrary, you yourself want to control everything and everyone, if you have a rather difficult childhood experience - well, then it is probably safer not to enter into any close relations, and for sympathetic, unceremonious acquaintances, prepare a lean, mournful face and say with a sigh, “But who wants to get married, I’m with a “makeweight”.” And everyone immediately nods understandingly and no longer climbs.
But if you spend at least a little time and money on psychotherapy, understand something new about yourself and your previous relationships, see how and why you chose this particular person and built this particular relationship model with him ... perhaps your next experience will be much more inspiring. This will not necessarily lead to the creation of a new reliable and loving family, but it will definitely be a step forward and upward.
And for men (I mean normal men, not overgrown teenagers who are still jealous of their mother for their younger brother and at the same time for dad) by and large it doesn’t matter how many and whose children to raise and educate when they are interested in a woman and a family . In my environment, I see many examples when men raise not only their own children, but also adopted ones, sometimes even from several previous marriages. Because they are children, they need to be raised. At least six, at least eight hands. Fine. From this follows my attitude to the following myth.
2) « On dates, as soon as a man finds out that I have a child, he will immediately run away.
That's the glory of God. It's good that you found out that he was a childish idiot before you became dependent on him, already pregnant with his child. Why do you need a relationship with a terry egoist? If this person wants to live with you not in order to spend time together, take care of each other (and not only about himself, loved ones), protect and support you, but only to satisfy some of his (and only his!) needs - Favorable wind to his sails! You do not have extra time and spiritual space to serve the whims of a capricious boy who is not your son.
3) "In the coming years, I will be fully engaged with the child, so I will not have time for a personal life."
My personal experience, as well as the experience of numerous girlfriends, says exactly the opposite: children are not at all an obstacle to personal life. In fact, nothing interferes with your personal life if you like spending time with interesting people of any gender, planning your classes a little more carefully, spending less time on social networks and - most importantly - turn on your head, that is, figure out what you would like from life, and to do this, and not something else.
Not to mention the fact that children older than six months do not need a tortured mother around the clock. I do not mean a situation where a mother is forced to go to work full time in order to feed herself, her child, pay rent and a car loan. And then, I believe, if she has the strength for this whole carousel, she will not be bored with her personal life for long. I'm talking about restraining moral aspects, such as "I have to replace both parents for the child, since I could not keep his father" and similar very dangerous conclusions. No, it shouldn't. No, not guilty. Yes, you have the right to be happy, although it did not work out the first time. Even if the third time did not work out, you still have the right to a normal adult relationship with a man.
4) "I don't have the right to get sick/tired/lose my job."
This is true, but it is a nightmare for all parents in general. Even being deeply married, having a huge and loving family, I still find with some horror in myself signs of an impending illness or age-related changes: what will happen to my children?
In addition, I was not always happy in relationships: the insanely difficult five years, when I was alone with two babies, greatly undermined my trust in the world, in people and in myself. One of the most terrible memories is how I lie on the floor almost unconscious and try to attract the attention of my eldest, six-year-old daughter with a groan, so that she knocks on the neighbors. And now that life has improved, I can say: be friends with your neighbors! Look for and find people around you who are suitable for you: it can be a very elderly couple in your stairwell, the same mothers in a similar situation, teenagers who have no one to talk to. They are all your safety net, your crutch in a moment of despair, a sudden helping hand out of nowhere.
A young and somewhat too shiny salesman from a greengrocer's shop, who suddenly carried his purchases to the apartment. Not for the sake of flirting, but because he had a wife with a child in his homeland - "let someone help her too."
A very elderly aunt from the second floor, a former Russian teacher, offers to sit or take a walk with the child - "just like that, not for money, because it's boring to sit around doing nothing."
Companions in the sandbox who are ready to take turns walking and bring food when you have a temperature, because “we are in the same boat.”
Then, when you start smiling at the men again and agree to make a second attempt, these boats will probably disperse in different directions. You will no longer need each other so much - so, smile at the meeting, stop for a second to chat at the crossing at the traffic light. But now they are very important and necessary, these random fellow travelers on a difficult route. Appreciate them and remember that you are not alone.
5) Still all the time it seems that everyone looks at me or pity or condemn. Or both at once.
“When my husband said he was leaving because he was tired and didn’t want a second child (and I was halfway through my term), my mother-in-law said, “Good wives don’t leave.” And all the neighbors, those that are older, and married peers verbally sympathized with me and condemned “this freak”, but with the back of my head I caught their “understanding” looks, pursed lips and contrite shaking of the head: “I didn’t keep the peasant.”
In fact, this is such a way to rise above someone else's misfortune, spit three times over your shoulder: this cannot happen to me, because I do everything Right. Magical thinking in its purest form: if I don't step on the black cracks in the pavement, my mother will never die. A vain attempt to speak fate.
And another attempt to move away from someone else’s misfortune, not to get dirty, because there is such a crazy idea that you don’t need to communicate with “problem” people, they say, their karma is thin, broken. Yeah, of course, you shouldn't, until you yourself are scalded.
So never mind when you realize (or think) that you are being pitied and judged. It's not about you, it's about them. Few people can remain calm and reasonable in the face of adversity, not to mention the right way to show empathy, not sympathy. Have you seen this amazing cartoon? Look for sure.
What do I, a single mother, want to hear from others?
First, nothing. No need to comment, support, console. Thus, you (others) let me know that I have a problem. And she may not be. It's my decision to give birth to a child alone, or to abandon my destructive relationship with his father, or a truly tragic twist of fate. I don't need your sympathy, it's better to sit with the child in the evening so that I can go for a massage, read a book or just be alone for a little while.
Secondly, I want to be invited to visit family homes, as before. And then it seems that I am contagious or threaten your family happiness. I don't need other people's husbands! And I'm not going to hang myself on your precious Serezha, and I can cope with the problems myself. But sometimes you need to be among adults.
Thirdly, oddly enough, I want to date men. With free, unmarried, family-oriented peers. I know they exist. Therefore, if you have kind, hardworking, adult friends - introduce us! Maybe a house and a child are just what a slightly zaturki work, not much party-loving person needs. And I just have it all: a house, and a child, and myself, who wants to rely on someone already. Even though I tell everyone that I can handle it.
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The Village continues to find out how the personal budget of different people works.
This time we decided to talk to a woman who is raising a child alone. Various compensation payments to incomplete families, depending on the age of the child and other circumstances, range from 300 to
6 thousand rubles. Is it possible to live on this money and how to organize the budget, said the heroine from St. Petersburg.
Status
single mother
income
9 300 rubles
8 000 rubles- side job
800 rubles- child allowance
500 rubles- help from ex-husband
spending
3 500 rubles
communal payments
2 600 rubles
baby products
skin care
500 rubles
200 rubles
entertainment
2 500 rubles
Situation
When I was eight years old, my mother died, and I became independent early. For five years I studied at a music boarding school. Honestly, I hated the piano, but I always loved music - this is my passion and my life.
In my student years, I had my own rock band, and I really miss concerts and rehearsals, and music in general - now you have to listen not to rock, but to something childish and calm. I also graduated from art school and I like to draw, but still according to my mood.
After high school, I entered a pedagogical college. I entered the teacher, but in fact I was assigned to the wrong department, and as a result I became an educator, a teacher of fine arts for preschool children. But I initially wanted to be a teacher, and kindergarten is not mine. Now I'm thinking about how to find time to improve my skills or retrain. In general, I can do a lot, but this is not about that.
I had to work from the age of 15. I went to work early, because I had a bad relationship with my stepmother - until I moved to live separately. They never bought me clothes and what I wanted, and because I wore tattered clothes that were out of fashion, I was rotten at school. And I decided that I need to work on my own and buy what I want. Then my stepmother said that since I was working, I had to feed myself too. So I did, and then I realized that I am perfectly self-supporting and can live separately. At first I worked as a sales assistant: contrary to the law, I had a full 12-hour work day on a two-by-two schedule. I liked having my money and I liked this job. Then I worked as a cashier in the IKEA food department - that's where the hot dogs are. And I adored this place - despite the fact that they paid very little. I combined work with study, and I didn’t have days off. At some point, it became terribly hard, and I started skipping classes in college.
I also worked as a consultant at Reebok, but I didn’t like it there. Then there was "Connected". I had to plow like a horse, and at some point my health said: "Enough." The most unexpected work lay ahead. I was an auto mechanic at a service station. It's a delight: I absolutely love digging into cars. But there, too, they paid little, and yet it was difficult for the girl. Then I went to the Hyundai factory - I assembled bumpers and torpedoes on the assembly line. I loved this job: they paid well, full social package, fed, but one minus: I almost lived there, and my health began to fail.
Then I quit. And two weeks later I found out that I was pregnant, although I had four conclusions from different doctors about infertility. It turned out that officially I'm not on maternity leave. When I was pregnant looking for a job, doors closed everywhere in front of my belly, and before it grew, I could not even get out of bed due to terrible toxicosis. Then she was left alone with the child - now he is already a year and ten months old, and I am 25 years old. My job is to be a mom.
Income
My husband and I stopped living together in May 2015. And officially divorced - since November of the same year. He does not pay child support. Once every three months, he can throw 2 thousand rubles, tearing him away from the heart. Now I'm just deciding the question of depriving him of paternity. So if we count the money received from the father of the child, it comes out to about 8 thousand for six months, and even then it is unstable. Officially, he must pay 9,000 rubles a month. Ah, if...
I really want my child to go to the garden and I could work. If my son had grandparents who could sit with him, then I would have been officially employed long ago.
Our schedule now is as follows: my child and I wake up around 11 o'clock in the morning. Then water procedures, breakfast, dressing, games, and from 12 o'clock I start answering questions from customers of the online store. This is my part-time job - I got it a month ago. I receive 50% of every order I place.
On average, 2 thousand rubles are received per week. How happy I am that I got the opportunity to work!
The most pleasant thing is that I have known true love. I am a mother! I got stronger. But I can't give my child what everyone has - that's the most annoying thing. Before I was offered a part-time job, of course, I was worried. Now I know what I have, what to cook soup from, and I'm happy. Of course, I want to buy him, for example, a scooter, but so far there is no such possibility.
And, of course, I want stability. And who doesn't want it?
There is no more income. My stepmother and sister sometimes help with groceries. I also find money for the rent: either I borrow it, or I sew something and sell it.
Expenses
For utilities, I pay 3,500 rubles a month - this is a part, my brother pays the rest. I have an apartment from my mother, but it is only my share. It also belongs to a brother and sister, but in general five people are registered here.
But only my brother lives here with a girl in one room, and I and my son live in another. Another item of expenditure is transport. I travel very little, mostly to visit my foster parents outside the city. I don't drive around town to save money. The road costs 500 rubles a month.
I buy food when the rent has already been paid and everything the child needs has been bought. Sometimes I eat every three or four days. Basically, I constantly drink tea so that the milk does not disappear and that my legs hold. If you show off, you can spend 5 thousand rubles a month on food. And so - 2-3 thousand rubles.
There is no special entertainment, since there is neither time nor money for it. Yes, and my son entertains me very well. I rest with my parents in the suburbs: there my stepmother has a house in the private sector. Although, of course, I want to drink coffee somewhere in a cafe or go to the cinema. From entertainment - a trip to IKEA. There we meet with friends and at the same time go to the "Children's World" to buy something for the kids using the children's card. We sometimes allow ourselves to drink tea at the IKEA restaurant. Over the past two years, this is the most luxurious restaurant for us, I do not leave more than 200 rubles there.
I easily gave up all entertainment. But I can't deny myself on the Internet. This is my vent. I keep a diary on instagram, and many of my subscribers do not let me lose heart and help me. I have an allergic child, he needs constant and expensive skin care. One tube of cream costs 1,600 rubles, plus other creams: one for 200 rubles, another for 140 rubles, plus simple children's creams for 40 rubles. This is enough for two weeks, and then you have to buy a new one. I used to open mini-gatherings so that my baby would not suffer, and my friends also helped with money for medicines. But now I can't open them anymore, because it's already impudent. So we make do with two creams: one costs
1,600 rubles, and the other - 200.
Having learned this, probably, many will not want to have children, but I want to say that children are worth all these trials and pain. This is the greatest joy! They both give strength and show that there is real life. We will pass these tests and become only better and stronger together. The only pity is that there are very few real fathers and women are forced to fight all their lives, becoming embittered against them.
The son will go to kindergarten on September 1 next year. I'm planning on going out to work at, say, McDonald's, but not full-time at first. Now the most difficult thing is to find a job that takes women with children. I think that I can’t count on more than 15 thousand rubles a month, but for me it’s a lot of money. Then I want to go to a correspondence course in college and become a teacher, just like I wanted to.
Illustration: Dasha Chertanova
“I can do everything myself” is a worthy, but dangerous position. Since it so happened that you are now the only adult who is always “on duty”, one day this may end in psychological burnout and a nervous breakdown. Remember the rule “First put on the oxygen mask on yourself, and then on the child” - and act. Feel free to ask friends for help: sometimes a simple conversation becomes a good support. Evaluate your resources: it may be worth delegating some responsibility to the father of the child, involving grandparents (on both sides) in the care, or hiring a nanny.
MUMS TALK
Tatyana Murzina:"I can do it myself" was my motto for several years. I know how to include a superhero in me and get a strange, but satisfaction from this. Apparently, that's why I sometimes flirt. Gradually I began to learn to ask for help.
Elena Andreeva:“When you work and you have two children who are sick, study, want a million different things, honestly, there is simply no time to think that you can be weak. I thought like this: “When there is a person who can be trusted, then and relax.” That’s exactly what happened later.”
Olga Semenova:“A lot has to be done by myself. But more often my question was not about refusing help, but about the fact that there was nowhere to get it from. For example, I had to get up very early, take the child to a kindergarten 30 km away, and after work, rush to pick it up.
Anna Kachurovskaya:“I have two children, and when we were three, it seemed that nothing would change - after all, there is a nanny, there is strength, work and money. But this did not save. Raising children without a second adult turned out to be very, very difficult. Especially emotionally. The fact is that in our society, where every second family is incomplete, there is no respect and sympathy for a woman with children. Everyone thinks: "The usual story, she has a nanny, which she complains about." Therefore, we must learn to feel sorry for ourselves, but not I have two rules: firstly, take care of yourself, this is the same oxygen mask, and secondly, remember that it doesn’t matter at all whether you have the strength or not - you have to get up and go to school or wherever you have to go."
2. YOU CHOOSE TO FOCUS ONLY ON YOUR CHILD
Or maybe dedicate your whole life to it - although, of course, you don’t say this out loud. Firstly, it is fraught with problems in the future: being the center of the universe for someone and the only reason to live is an unbearable burden even for an adult, not to mention a child. Secondly, where is the guarantee that after many years you will not tell your son or daughter something like: “I gave you everything, but you ...”?
MUMS TALK
Tatiana:“Until the son went to the second grade, it was like that: work, home, all the time with his son. I didn’t understand: after all, if I can do everything, then why does everything get a little bit, but worse? Determined to change everything. I felt that this path was wrong, and together with the psychologist, another was found.
Olga:“Honestly, I always considered this position stupid and short-sighted, so I didn’t suffer from such nonsense. It is known that happy children grow up with happy mothers. Another thing is “we are good together”, I don’t see anything wrong with that. worked, got into debt, got out as best she could. But she did not sacrifice her life to the child. "
3. YOU HAVE GUILT
For example, for spoiling a child's life - because of your decision to divorce, he grows up in an incomplete family, and this, of course, will negatively affect his psyche, development and fate. Or for the fact that communication with dad is now taking place according to a difficult schedule. Or because you are looking for a new relationship because you want to be happy again. But the feeling of guilt is a poor helper in education, and the child will quickly understand how easy it is to manipulate a guilty mother.
MUMS TALK
Tatiana:“It is impossible to catch and “turn off” the feeling of guilt in time. I constantly think that I ruined, and continue to ruin my son's life. I didn’t do homework with him, didn’t watch a movie together, didn’t read, didn’t hug.
Elena:“I was tormented by the thought that for the sake of the children it is necessary not only to live with their father, but also to pretend that everything is fine with us.”
Olga:“Yes, the feeling of guilt, unfortunately, remains. Even if the decision to divorce was not yours. It seemed to me that my mistakes ruined my daughter's life. After all, I married the wrong person, behaved incorrectly during a divorce, and so on. Other children spend time with mom and dad, and my daughter and I go everywhere together ... "
Anna:“Only mothers who are not at all reflective do not feel guilty: I didn’t have time here, I didn’t read it there. Those who live with a second adult also have a sense of guilt. I decided for myself that there are things that I can not influence. For example, I do not have time to read to my children every day before going to bed. I also scream when my patience runs out. Surely they will have claims against me in adolescence. I can’t change that, if they grow up, they will solve these issues with a psychoanalyst.”
4. YOU MAKE THE CHILD THE MAIN FRIEND AND PARTNER
You are left alone, and it seems to you that your son or daughter has already grown up enough to understand you. You discuss your emotions and problems with your child on an equal footing, including financial ones, share worries and fears with him. In fact, you turn him into a "deputy" of your partner. But in order for the world to remain stable and safe for the child, the roles in it must be clearly and precisely distributed: there are adults, there are children.
MUMS TALK
Tatiana:“When my son grew up, I certainly had to truthfully answer his questions, for example, why can’t we afford a new car, movie popcorn and other things that are available to his friends and classmates. One winter we gathered early in the morning to the cinema — tickets are cheaper. It was dark, Stepan did not understand at first why I was waking him up so early, he asked - do we have a plane? We got to the cinema, bought tickets for a trifle from Stepa's piggy bank and were the only spectators in the hall. My son felt this and understands now that not everything needs to be bought.
Olga:“I know that some do this, especially if the children are already quite large. I escaped such a fate, our life together with my daughter lasted from her birth until the age of 8. I have never been tempted to share problems with a little girl who has a lot of her own. including health."
Anna:“There are children, there are adults, but we live one life. These are my children, we discuss their problems, I talk about mine from the top. Otherwise, what kind of family are we?
5. YOU AVOID THE QUESTION "WHERE'S DAD?"
Or you react very emotionally to it. The more secrecy, the sooner the child will feel your tension, confusion, or the pain and resentment that has not yet subsided from parting. Are you worried about what your son or daughter will do in kindergarten or school when the question of dad comes up? Yes, nothing special, today the situation “parents live separately” is absolutely commonplace. Avoid questions! It’s enough for a kid to say: “Dad has his own house” or “Dad doesn’t live with us now.” With a child over 7 years old, you can already talk about this topic in more detail: maybe you were married, but then decided to go your own way or never lived with dad at all. Be sure to specify that you both love the child, it's just that life happened. The more calmly you yourself relate to the situation, the more naturally the child will perceive it. Families are very different: a man and a woman without children, mother, father and children, father, children and grandmother, mother and children. The two of you are a family, small, but completely complete.
MUMS TALK
Tatiana: “I always honestly explained and explain, dad lives separately, because our - mine and his - story is over. And to the son’s question, “Why did it start then?” - answered: "To make you - and it worked out very well with your dad."
Olga: “My daughter's dad lived separately almost from the very beginning of her life, and the situation when she meets with dad on Sundays was familiar to her. Questions began much later, at the age of 9-10″.
6. You talk negatively about your child's father
The fact that you broke up (and why you did it) is exclusively your adult business, and there is no need for the child to know who offended whom and with what. The more constructive and friendly your communication with your ex-spouse is, the calmer and more prosperous your children's life will be. So bury the hatchet, never sort things out in the presence of a child, and try, firstly, to agree, and, secondly, to discuss all the terrible qualities of a father with friends, and preferably with a psychologist. And the child will grow up - and he will understand everything, be sure.
mothers say
Tatiana:“I always ask my son to call, write to dad, invite him to visit. I tell him how similar he is to his father in some quality. In short, only good things about dad.
Elena:“Families are different for everyone, here we have a “small but very complete family,” I say to my son when he does not want to have dinner with me, but wants to run away to his room. It is difficult for any offended woman to show such generosity, so as not to betray her offense with her tone or look when communicating with a child on this topic. I think the way out is to give out the maximum good that you can tell him about dad in calm periods of life and communication.
7. You give up your privacy.
How can you do anything other than educate, because now your life belongs to the child? Sometimes grandmothers also add fuel to the fire, evaluating your maternal qualities as a C grade and regularly directing you, unlucky, to be true. But in order to have enough energy, it is important to restore it in time (and have sources for recovery). So work at a job you love, meet friends, play sports and hobbies, and the more contented you feel in life, the more strength you will have left to love your child.
mothers say
Elena:“It’s funny when a single mom goes to dances, and doesn’t run home after work to see her baby’s face while he’s still awake. I sincerely resent this advice!”
Olga:“I did not give up my personal life, I had and have wonderful friends. When my daughter was a year old, I started ballroom dancing and gave this occupation a few wonderful years. Another thing is that I was more attentive to who and how I communicate. The child sometimes makes you see from the outside what you are doing and who is next to you.
8. You avoid contact with "full" families
Perhaps because you are afraid of feeling sad or awkward, or because the child will feel uncomfortable. But do not think that now you should be friends exclusively with "comrades in misfortune." On the contrary, a wide circle of communication will increase the boundaries of your world and give the child the opportunity to see a variety of behaviors. The more calmly you yourself perceive the existence of your small family as the norm, the less doubts will arise in the child.
mothers say
Olga:“Yes, it was really painful sometimes. Of course, we talked with friends, but when I saw with what eyes my daughter was looking at dads playing with children, it hurt me.
9. You are in a hurry to start a family again: you urgently need a new husband, and the children need a new dad
And this time you will not repeat the mistakes made earlier - everything will be different! Psychologists are sure that if you hurry, it will definitely not be “different”, and for a child, a series of “mother's friends” can only become another trauma. And, on the contrary, if you allow yourself to live without relationships for some time, the chance to build new, more successful ones is much higher. By giving yourself enough time, you will better understand your wants and needs, what kind of relationships you need and what you yourself are willing to invest in them. Yes, the criteria for choosing a life partner will now be different, more stringent: it is important that your chosen one can find a common language with the child. But that will be a completely different story.
mothers say
Tatiana:"No one is safe from mistakes. I'm not in a hurry to search, and in general, as it turned out, my haste does not speed up any of my processes. Of course, I would be happy to meet my man: partner, father to son, my love. Even if it is happens very late, then I hope he will find contact with my already big son and, maybe, will not be against adoption.
Elena:“Mom and baby are better when mom is happy. I do not understand happiness from conscious loneliness. You need to look for a husband, put it in your plan, but not intrusively, but reasonably and thoughtfully. Thinking that everyone should be good from this.
Olga:“It’s definitely necessary to live single. The second time I got married eight years later, and it was a decision based, among other things, on the choice of my daughter. I didn’t want to get married as soon as possible after a divorce. On the contrary, in the first years I learned to flirt again , go on dates. At some point, I generally abandoned the idea of \u200b\u200ba new marriage, but then life decided everything for me.
