My wife has a son from her first marriage. A child from the first marriage of a husband or wife: how to build a relationship? How not to be jealous of a husband for a child from a previous wife

Photo: Tatiana Gladskikh/Rusmediabank.ru

Remarriage is a common occurrence in our society.

Many families are created from halves, the first union of which broke up. And it seems that now there is everything for complete happiness: a loved one, a desire to create a lasting marriage, the necessary life experience ... But, alas, one thing haunts many spouses: who is more expensive - second wives or first children?

The hardest thing in this situation is, they become between a rock and a hard place, often finding themselves in the center of the conflict. Two women, former and real spouses, cannot share a man, his feelings, affections and responsibilities, as well as free time among themselves. Each believes that he owes her more, but is it really so?

Psychologists are sure that each of these women has its own place in relationships with a common man. When people decide to divorce, they cease to be husband and wife, but at the same time they remain forever the first spouses for each other. Just as you cannot erase the past from your life, you cannot forget the fact that your husband had a relationship before you. The law of strong family ties, especially when concluding a second marriage, says: the one who came later is obliged to respect the one who was earlier.

It means whether you like it or not you will have to put up with the presence in the life of your man of the first wife and the presence of common children. Understand that the first spouse does not take your place in the family hierarchy, she is in her place, she was before you. So you cannot take her place, because you have your own - under the second number. By the way, the number indicates only the order of appearance in the life of a man, and not the significance in his life.

How should the second wife behave in relation to the first wife and her children?

Tip 1: Don't take away a man's past

This advice seems obvious, but, nevertheless, some women forget about it. It is impossible to love a person partially, love is a feeling that absorbs a partner entirely. If you have entered into a relationship with a man, you must accept his past. Perhaps those character traits that appeal to you in him were brought up by his "ex". Remember, life experience is sometimes decisive!

Tip 2: Keep in mind that the first spouse does not owe you anything

It is quite natural that first wives turn to their ex-husband for help in raising children. It does not matter what kind of support is required - moral or material. The first woman is entitled to it. And she is not obliged to take care of your psychological comfort, to take into account the fact that this is unpleasant for you. She has her own truth, her own goals and her own problems.

Tip 3: Be loyal

In order to preserve the moral health and well-being of her child, the first spouse can communicate with the first husband on the topics of common children. This means: there is nothing wrong with her being friends with him. And it is absolutely normal that the first wife calls the man on a mobile phone and talks about the academic performance and success of the offspring. You shouldn't see this as a way to bring him back to his previous family. The goals of the first wife are different - not to allow anyone to oust her children from the heart of their father. By the way, this goal is noble. Every child has the right to be happy.

Tip 4: Do not limit the time you spend with children from your first marriage

Give the man the right to decide for himself what the leisure of his children should be and how long it should last. Ideally, if you all spend it together. It is good if the attitude towards all children is equal, from the first and from the second wife. When they can visit each other, despite the fact that their mothers are not very friendly. But there are cases when the first wives forbid their children to communicate with the second spouses of the ex-husband and their children. The second spouses have no choice but to accept this fact.

Tip 5: Make friends with children from your first marriage

Pleasant communication and friendly gatherings work wonders. As soon as you begin to perceive your man as a family member, your psychological well-being will become better. Jealousy and fear of insufficient attention to your offspring will go away. Everything in life will go its own way. But keep in mind: all this concerns only sincere communication with the child, and not giving him gifts on occasion and forced to spend leisure time together.

Advice 6: Know that a man who refuses to communicate with children from his first marriage is an egoist

Alas, but it is. Moreover, sometime he may do the same towards you and your common child. Would you like this? We are sure not. So, maybe you should not tempt fate and demand the impossible from your spouse? The strong paternal position of a man in relation to his children deserves respect.

Tip 7: Enjoy your happiness

Allow yourself to be happy here and now. Don't live in the past! You are married, next to you is your chosen one, perhaps a common child, which means that everything is fine. Happiness is where love lives.

May your marriage be strong!

Once I asked a friend how he lives in a new family, I heard the answer: “Everything would be fine, but I took my wife with a“ trailer ”- a child from my first marriage. My wife thinks I'm bullying him. Because of this, we often quarrel. But how, in fact, is it necessary to build relationships in a new family so that they do not turn into an all-out war of all household members with each other?

Most often, children from the wife's first marriage live with their mother. Therefore, a man who decides to have an alliance with such a woman must be well prepared not only for the role of a spouse. The role of the stepfather will also be of great importance in the new family. According to psychologists, most children accept the appearance of a "new dad" relatively calmly. About 20% have unpleasant feelings towards their stepfather, but the reason in most cases is the wrong approach of adults.

Wife's child provokes quarrels

The male view of the problem is well reflected in this “cry of the soul”:
« My wife has a son from her first marriage. When I got married, everything was in a rosy light - we will feed, provide, raise and all that.
My wife is 6 years older than me, her son was then 10. Then we also had a joint son. I love my son and wife, but my feelings for my stepson have changed over the years from calm to strong hostility. All the years that he grew up before my eyes, he was a first-rate lazy person. To devour, to look at the telly, to sit at the computer - this is the meaning of life. No housework can be entrusted - he will score and wash off. I support it, my wife also works, but she spends almost everything on herself. The wife protects her stepson from me, as soon as I show firmness in his attitude - I immediately pout, get angry. Recently released the phrase "you did not accept it." And this is after so many years that I carry food to him, drive him to hospitals, even help to do his homework ... To leave, leave him - he will grow up to be the same fat overgrowth. To continue to live together - my health on nervous grounds will end soon ... Who has had similar situations in their lives? What to do? Divorce?".

Here's the women's story:

“The problem is huge in my family. My husband cannot get along with my son (7 years old). Or doesn't want to. They say if a man loves a woman, he should love her child! It's probably rare! Who needs other people's children? My husband does not pay attention to my son, does not play with him, does not talk. My son does the same. We fight all the time. I am protecting my son. Husband calls him sissy. He says that I spoiled him, that he can’t do anything without me, etc., some kind of nightmare. A month ago, our daughter was born, we are always around her. My son helps me. But he feels uncomfortable in our family, often asking his father. We have a very bad relationship with my ex-husband, we don’t even talk, all information is transmitted through our son. I believe that once he created a family, he is obliged, as a real man, to show himself in this family, including paying attention not only to me and our child, but also to my son! When he brings his daughter, I don't turn my back on her! I treat all children the same! Children are not to blame for anything at all, that their parents quarrel, disperse!

Unfortunately, the main problem is not that husbands and wives have a different idea of the situation in a family with children from their first marriage. The problem is that they offer diametrically opposed ways to resolve the conflict. "Male way" - an escape from a family where the child is "worse than the mother-in-law." And they leave, only a common child can keep them. The woman is trying to smooth out the sharpness of the quarrels. To do this, she either takes a hit on herself - “darling, I’m to blame for everything,” or sends the child to her mother. The child is brought up by the grandmother: as they say, "there is no person, there is no problem".

So who is wrong?

Please note that the main reproach to your wife sounds like this: you spoiled him, raised a lazy, sissy. How fair is the accusation when it comes to a boy? Yes, women can rarely create a suitable atmosphere at home without a husband for raising a son. They either take care of him without measure, "breathe" over him, or take little care of the child, who grows like a weed and quickly finds "teachers" on the street. You have to choose between a sissy and a punk.
However, this is not so much the mother's fault as her misfortune. The child has a biological father, but he is often only the biological father. Therefore, the reproach “you raised him badly” is unfair. She raised her the best she could. By the way, if the husband also has children from his first marriage, then it is curious to ask whether their stepfather is satisfied with the upbringing of his own father? I think we are in a similar situation. Alas, as they say, everyone has sinned! We must sit down at the negotiating table and agree on a life together, learn how to raise our own and "alien" children.

I will try to describe briefly. Yesterday I had a big fight with my husband, I'm trying to understand which of us is wrong.

Initially, we met when both his and my relationship had already been completed (I’m divorced, I have a daughter from my first marriage. He also hadn’t been in a relationship with his ex-wife for several years at the time of our meeting, he has two daughters from his first marriage). I don't know his children, he's not ready yet. Although we have been together for more than 3 years. We have a common son. And so when we just started dating, he told me that he had a child. One child. About the second, he just kept silent. I found out that there is another one after almost 2 years of our relationship, when I was 8 months pregnant. To say I was shocked is an understatement. But I tried hard to accept this fact. Moreover, he accepts my child from his first marriage very well. Daughter calls him dad. The husband works very hard. It's very straight with two days off a month is the maximum. And seeing that he does not devote time to children from his first marriage, I began to buy them gifts from him. What they say is he stopped by and bought to please them. If before that he simply gave money to his ex-wife so that she herself would buy them from him, now he personally congratulates them on all the holidays (he keeps the children from and to, the children do not need anything, and all the purchases that they ask for, he buys) the children, seeing the attention from dad, began to call him more often and communicate more. It was I who outlined the situation that is happening in our family, so that at least a little would be clear. About the fact that his daughters have a half-brother, he does not tell them. Which also bothers me. Okay, I, but I think I should have said about the child.

The whole quarrel was over a gift from the children. He recently had a birthday and the children handed over some kind of shaving kit (I understand that his ex-wife bought, but did not say a word about it) and two postcards. The eldest wrote a beautiful self-composed verse in her own, and the youngest drew mom, dad, herself and sister as a loving full-fledged family. This is what got me. I understand everything, but why does he bring a drawing to our apartment (albeit from a child), where he is happy with another woman? Well, the child gave it, well, put the nights in a bag or at work in a frame. Does he think I'm pleased to see it??

How would you react to this? Or would they just remain silent? Maybe I'm wrong? (((maybe I'm mine - unpleasant and insulting, should I shove deeper? There is no one to discuss this with. He shouted that he doesn’t care what I feel when looking at the drawing of his child and that it’s none of my business. At some point I agree, it’s none of my business. But he brought it to OUR house with him

In short it didn't work

Xenia Chuzha

More often, children from wife's first marriage live with mom. Therefore, a man who decides to have an alliance with such a woman must be well prepared not only for the role of a spouse. The role of the stepfather will also be of great importance in the new family.

According to psychologists, most children accept the appearance of a "new dad" relatively calmly. About 20% experience unpleasant feelings towards their stepfather, but the reason, in most cases, is in the wrong approach of adults to a child's heart.

What do the children feel from the wife's first marriage

desire to experience . Children act instinctively when they want to know what a person is. They provoke. This may take several days, or it may take several months.

The main thing at this time is the calmness of a man. It is better to respond to all kinds of attacks, tricky questions, statements, actions only with the mind - calmly. Feelings can only hurt. For example: “And my real dad knew how to do 100 push-ups,” “So your dad is also a real man, since he is so strong.”

Jealousy . A child, especially if he has long lived with his mother without a father, will be jealous of her "foreign uncle." This is fine. And it passes. But you need to act slowly and carefully.

In order for the child to understand that they will not take away his mother from him, the “second dad” must show this. For example, if mother and daughter go shopping together, help them with something, but give them time to communicate face to face. When the baby's anxiety decreases, you can start spending time together.

Detachment . Many children close all the locks as soon as the stepfather appears in the house. They do not want to enter into even the most elementary everyday contact, they try not to intersect with the “stranger” in the apartment.

It is better not to force things in such situations. An approach to the baby (not without the help and fate of the wife) should be sought slowly and carefully: unobtrusively offer help if you can do something for the child, or ask yourself that the stepdaughter / stepson provide some kind of service.

In no case should you try to appease children. They understand well what kind of tactics this is, and quickly turn to manipulation, or completely cease to respect their stepfather.

Stepfather's authority

This is a matter of time, attitude and actions of a man. If the stepfather respects the children of his wife, then reciprocity will not take long.

What does respectfully mean? Accept them as they are. It is better to postpone attempts to re-educate, to correct some shortcomings for at least six months, until everyone gets used to each other. It's faster and easier to gain credibility if you just try to be friends with your child. After establishing friendly relations, you can already begin to change something.

It is impossible to achieve respect by force, pressure. Strength generates either opposition or fear, but authority does not increase from this. Children feel very good when they are treated sincerely, with attention, and when they are perceived only as a hindrance.

If there are no positive feelings in the soul for the wife’s child, a man should discuss this with his wife, or better, with a specialist. You need to find the cause of the negative attitude and work to eliminate it, otherwise the marriage may be threatened by a crisis.

Stepfather's behavior

Children from wife's first marriage it is easier to recognize the "new dad" and subsequently perceive him as a friend or parent if he follows a few simple rules and behaves accordingly.

The golden mean is the main rule in the relationship between a stepfather and a child . Attempts to immediately establish control over children, as well as connivance, negatively affect the atmosphere of the whole family.

Comments should be soft: “Your mother and I are of the opinion ...”, “It’s good in our family when ...” Each such statement must be supported by arguments, so the child perceives what is said more easily.

If the baby does something wrong, does not know how or does not know (and should), you need to tactfully help him improve. Explain why it is necessary to do so, teach and tell. But, recall, this must be done after some time, when there is already friendship between the “new parent” and the pupil.

The stepfather is not the biological father, and can never replace him . But he may well become an educator, friend, assistant, mentor. And that might be more important than just being a dad.

A stepfather should treat his own father with respect, no matter how good or bad he is. . Perhaps, due to nature, it is so difficult to do so. Then it is better to simply bypass this topic so as not to bring confusion into communication.

By the way, children quite often compare their stepfather with their father aloud without any evil intentions. Psychologists explain this behavior by the fact that the child in a new family feels uncomfortable. Therefore, he clings to the past, when everything was more or less predictable, when dad was in the house. When confidence in the stepfather gets stronger, comparisons will go away on their own.

If children compare fathers, you need to calmly talk about the fact that all people are different, and the stepfather is not going to take the place of the real dad.

Quite often it happens that the stepfather and children from wife's first marriage cannot find a common language because of the mother herself. Instinctively, she tries to protect them from possible problems and difficulties. This may show up:

in exaggerated demands on the current husband as a parent (“you owe this, this and this”);
in an attempt to protect the stepfather from communicating with the children (“I myself, I don’t need help”).

To prevent this from happening, all decisions and actions regarding children must be discussed with their mother before doing anything. A woman's trust in her husband as a future parent is of great importance for establishing smooth communication between new relatives.

We recommend reading special books (for example, J. Lofas, D. Sova “Remarriage: Children and Parents”, B. Hellinger “Orders of Love”, V. Satir “How to Build Yourself and Your Family”), contact a psychologist for advice if there are certain frictions in parent-child communication.