What happens to us when we fall in love? Chemistry of feelings: emotional relationships between men and women

Doctor Amen with his wife.

Daniel J. Amen, MD, neurobiologist, neuropsychiatrist, director of the world-famous Amen Clinics Inc.

Here is an excerpt from Daniel Amen's book “Brain and Love. Secrets of practical neurobiology". The book is in our

Daniel J. Amen: “If you have been dating one of my daughters for more than 4 months, you must have a brain scan.” Such a requirement may seem extravagant, but Amen argues that even the slightest disturbance in the functioning of this “main sexual organ” has a serious impact on love relationships. From his book it follows, for example, that chronic lateness for dates may indicate decreased activity of the frontal cortex, and serious brain diseases sometimes... increase a person’s sexual attractiveness. In addition to the most interesting scientific information, Amen also gives a lot of practical advice on the use of dietary supplements, aphrodisiacs and other drugs to correct brain function.

Don't get intimate with someone you don't want to fall in love with, because that's exactly what will happen.
Anthropologist Helen Fisher

Imagine that you are sitting behind the wheel of your car in a long traffic jam in front of a traffic light. The cars move barely, time seems to have stood still. And suddenly you notice her. She is standing at the zebra crossing, about to cross the road. No, she is not the girl of your dreams. More like the beauty of the day. It's good that my wife is not around. You would have been in serious trouble if she had noticed the way you were staring at the stranger's breasts, hips and waist that emphasized them. There was a pleasant pounding in my temples. You reacted automatically, reflexively, and perhaps this will be the most powerful impression of the day. For a short moment, it erased all your obligations from your memory - your ten-year marriage, your adored second-grader child, the need to monitor traffic and traffic lights. You have capitulated, let go of control, and are caught in the fascination of the visual image.

But she, in turn, does not stare at you. And not only because you are sitting behind the wheel of a family van that is not new. Her brain just works in a completely different way. You are attracted by beauty, form, fantasy. She, following the laws of her deep biological nature (which she herself may not be aware of), is looking for a man who can conceive healthy children, and then protect and provide for them and her. And, yes, he might even buy the same van for his family. She, a woman, is programmed by nature for long-term traditional tasks. And your goals are sometimes shockingly immediate.

If your date goes well, you'll probably have fun, but you'll risk ruining your life.

“To call or not to call” - while you are deciding this, the brain is feverishly sorting information, making a choice, determining your actions, on which fate depends.

CHEMICAL SYMPHONY

If you've ever listened to a symphony or other beautiful piece of music, you understand that the overall experience depends on the performance of each individual musician. A successful sexual relationship is also like a symphony in which many hormones and chemicals “play” synergistically. If any of the hormones or other chemicals are out of balance, their balance as a whole is imbalanced.

Having covered the five major brain systems in Lesson 2, we move on to explore the substances associated with the main phases of love: attraction, infatuation, attachment, and separation.

1. The attraction to a potential love object and the craving for sexual satisfaction are primarily controlled by male and female sex hormones: testosterone, estrogen, nitric oxide and a group of substances conventionally called “pheromones.”

2. Infatuation - a period of passionate love- characterized by a feeling of happiness (if everything is fine) or strong feelings (if something is not going well). At the same time, all attention is focused on the object, and the person is absorbed in dreams of new meetings with it. This condition is accompanied by the presence in his blood of a literal cocktail of neurotransmitters: adrenaline, norepinephrine, dopamine, serotonin and phenylethylamine (PEA).

3. Attachment the feeling of unity, calm joy, stability and peace that one feels next to a potentially long-term partner is supported by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin.

4. Separation, loss of love due to breakup or death, is often accompanied by a deficiency of serotonin and endorphins.

In this chapter, we'll look at each phase and learn how to deal with the dangers of breaking up the chemical symphony in each phase, especially during a breakup.

SUBSTANCES OF ATTRACTION: “YOU TURN ME ON”

(testosterone, estrogen, nitric oxide, pheromones)

When I first saw her, it took my breath away. She was amazing. I couldn’t think about anything, couldn’t look away. “I need to behave politely, not stare at her so openly, otherwise she will think that I am preoccupied,” I told myself, but it was useless. Brown curls, green eyes, flexible neck. “Enough, you don’t even know her...chill!”

This impression can be the beginning of a great love, or a nightmare obsession, or just a brief fireworks display of feelings.

What happens in the brain when experiencing such attraction? Our brains are programmed for it. Attraction activates a powerful chemical reaction. This is one of the most beneficial reactions in the history of our species.

It is known that 50% of the brain is involved in processing incoming visual information. Therefore, the way the other person moves, speaks, smiles, what his eyes express - all this is extremely important for the emergence of attraction. When we see a person who is attractive to us, his image occupies a large part of our brain. It works like a powerful drug.

Using state-of-the-art brain imaging equipment, researchers from Emory University in Atlanta found that the amygdala (an area of ​​the brain that regulates emotions and is associated with motivation) was significantly more active in men than in women after watching sexual content for half an hour, although both said that they liked the images. It is known that men are more interested in pornography than women. And it’s not for nothing that women spend much more time taking care of their appearance.

Men are more often attracted to fertile (capable of conceiving), healthy young women with a symmetrical figure and face. A man's brain is genetically programmed to decide whether he wants his children to carry the woman's genes. Subconsciously, we focus on signs of health, such as clear skin and bright eyes. Many scientists believe that body symmetry plays an important role in our perception of beauty. This assumption is based on the fact that asymmetry, by its nature, is often associated with ill health, which can affect future offspring.

Male students who participated in a study at the University of New Mexico rated the attractiveness of female faces in photographs and chose symmetrical faces more often than asymmetrical ones as attractive. Moreover, there is evidence that women endowed with symmetry of features have more sexual partners and lose their virginity earlier.

There is scientific evidence of another worldly wisdom: in the presence of a very beautiful woman, men “become stupid.” So, in the experiment, men were shown photographs of beautiful or not very attractive women. Next, the subjects rolled a die and were told that they could receive either $15 immediately or $75 in a few days. Men who were shown photos of beautiful women were more likely to choose $15 outright, meaning they stopped thinking soberly about long-term consequences when their brains were filled with love hormones.

By the way, the same experiment was conducted on women - and it turned out that the attractiveness of men had no effect on their thought processes.

It seems that the appearance of a beautiful woman activates the limbic system of men (the emotional brain), while simultaneously suppressing the functioning of the frontal cortex, which causes judgments to become emotional, unthoughtful. This mechanism is well known in Las Vegas. The casinos always have pretty waitresses in short dresses with a deep neckline, serving free drinks (which also inhibits the work of the frontal cortex). It is not surprising that the gambling business is profitable.

A woman is much less concerned about a man's appearance - she is more interested in his actions and way of thinking. She rather evaluates a man's ability to care for her and her offspring.

Catching a successful man - in any culture - is much more important than landing a handsome man. As always, beauty is a relative concept.

Feelings of attraction, desire, arousal and orgasm are enhanced by a complex interaction of neurotransmitters, hormones and other substances that contribute to the addictive feeling of falling in love.

The role of testosterone and estrogen in sexual desire was discovered in the 1920s. Since that time, there has been a gradual evolution in our understanding of the role of chemicals in the experience of love passions.

Here we can recall the controversial works of Alfred Kinsley in the 1940s; then the first publications about the stages of development of desire in human sexuality; finally, addiction to drugs such as Viagra (which causes a rush of blood to the genitals and thereby stimulates arousal) and the type of androgel (a testosterone gel applied to the skin, intended for people with low testosterone levels).

Hormones are substances produced in the body. They have a specific effect on the functioning of certain organs of the body. The main sex hormones can be divided into androgens and estrogens.

Both classes of hormones are present in both men and women, but in different proportions. A man's body produces 6-8 mg of testosterone (male sex hormone) per day, and a woman's body produces 0.5 mg of testosterone. Estrogen is produced in women in greater quantities than in the stronger sex.

Androgens: Testosterone

Androgens are the so-called male sex hormones. Among them, testosterone is the main one. It is produced in large quantities by the testes and adrenal glands of men. However, in women, the ovaries and adrenal cortex produce testosterone in small quantities. It is androgens that trigger the formation of the testicles and penis in the male fetus. They also regulate the process of puberty in a boy and are responsible for the formation of secondary male sexual characteristics: distribution of hair on the face, body and groin, deepening of the voice, development of muscles, body shape and features of subcutaneous fatty tissue. And after adolescence, testosterone plays an important role in sexual life. A lack of this hormone can lead to a decrease in sexual desire. After all, it is testosterone that controls sexual appetite in both men and women. Additionally, men with testosterone deficiency have difficulty getting or maintaining an erection. As you age, testosterone levels decrease. In addition, many men suffer from a lack of testosterone (a condition known as hypogonadism).

Unfortunately, they do not always seek help from a doctor. Some - because they think that this is a normal phenomenon. Others are embarrassed to admit to such a sensitive problem. Often it is a loving woman who encourages a man to seek help.

This was the case with William, 56, who came to our clinic on the recommendation of his wife, who noticed that he had lost interest in sex, although he had previously been a very active romantic partner. He still enjoyed hugging his wife, he loved her, but morning erections (normal for men) became rare, and spontaneous erections became less and less frequent. William became less interested not only in making love, but in some other things that previously fascinated him. Blood and saliva tests showed very low testosterone levels.

Administration of Androgel (testosterone gel applied to the shoulders once a day) normalized his hormonal levels. William's interest in sex and erectile function have recovered.

In women of reproductive age, the amount of testosterone increases before ovulation, causing their sexuality to increase just when they are most fertile (able to conceive). Many doctors believe that birth control pills suppress women's libido because they interfere with the hormonal cycle of testosterone and estrogen.

Among other things, low testosterone levels are associated with Alzheimer's disease and other memory disorders, heart disease and decreased bone density. If you have low sex drive and memory problems, check your testosterone.

Estrogens

Estrogens are sex hormones produced primarily by women's ovaries. Estrogens regulate the development of female genital organs, as well as the growth of mammary glands and hair in the groin - secondary female sexual characteristics. Estrogens regulate the menstrual cycle and are essential for maintaining the health of the vaginal lining and its elasticity, as well as for the production of vaginal lubrication. They help maintain the structure and function of the female mammary glands.

Practice shows that when a woman takes estrogen and testosterone separately to improve sexual desire, the treatment is not as effective as when both hormones are taken together. From this we can conclude that estrogen and testosterone synergistically help increase libido.

In both men and women, estrogen (small amounts) is additionally produced in the brain. The role of estrogen in the male body has not yet been fully studied, but it is assumed that this hormone is very important for the fullness of male libido. True, too high levels of estrogen in men can lead to a decrease in libido, cause erectile dysfunction, enlarged mammary glands and loss of body hair. Unfortunately, every day we are exposed to so-called xenestrogens - substances such as pesticides that are similar in structure to estrogens and bind to the same receptors. And the meat of chickens and cows can contain a lot of hormones from injections with which animals were pierced to increase their weight before slaughter. If you have a choice, buy organic chicken and beef.

Nitric oxide

Nitric oxide is a substance produced in the genitals during arousal, which causes blood vessels to dilate and a rush of blood to the genitals, especially the penis. Drugs like Viagra and Cialis stimulate the production of nitric oxide. These drugs work well in men, but the results of studies in women are far from convincing.

Additionally, these medications should be used with caution by people with blood pressure problems and cardiovascular disease.

Pheromones

Have you ever noticed that the smell of some people attracts you, while others almost repulse you? The secret lies in pheromones, odorous hormones secreted by the sweat glands under the arms to attract the opposite sex. In 1991, a research group from Harvard University proved the existence of a “sixth sense” or the human vomeronasal system1. Exactly how these hormones work is not yet fully understood, but it is clear that they influence people's mating sympathies, feelings of affection, and the expression of care for their offspring.

Another interesting fact: women who live side by side in university dorms or spend a lot of time together have synchronized menstrual cycles. It is believed that pheromones are also responsible for this phenomenon. In primitive times, smell was a very significant means of communication, and, as it turns out, it is still important for relationships between people and largely determines who we find sexually attractive.

Neurologist Alan Hirsch believes that a person's individual scent greatly influences his attractiveness to a potential partner. “When you smell good, I want you to be closer. If you smell bad1 - I want you to leave. Our nose is a real organ of sexuality.” Hirsch argues that we should not say “I fell in love at first sight,” but “I fell in love at first breath,” because there is a direct connection between the olfactory bulb in the nose and the septal nucleus of the brain, the center of erection.

Dr. Hirsch treated patients who had a loss of smell or taste and found that nearly a quarter of people without a sense of smell developed sexual dysfunction. By measuring blood flow to the men's penis using a small pneumatic cuff, he found that the smells of lavender and pumpkin pie, donuts, licorice and cinnamon increased arousal. (I will discuss this topic in more detail in Lesson 9 on Arousal Aids.)

INSANE SUBSTANCES: “I CAN’T GET YOU OUT OF MY MIND”

(adrenaline, norepinephrine, dopamine, serotonin and phenylethylamine)

Mother Nature mixed an explosive mixture when she created substances that contribute to our complete immersion in a state of love. She is wise because if it were not for these substances that inhibit the centers of the brain (primarily the amygdala), which warn us of possible danger, people would not be able to fall headlong into love and produce offspring.

Some even describe the infatuation stage as an altered state of consciousness, similar to what a person experiences when drunk, in a trance, or under the influence of drugs. During this period, people in love sacrifice sleep, talking to the object of their feelings on the phone late into the night or continuously sending text messages. They behave in ways that are out of character for them, such as skydiving (even though they are afraid of heights) or eating sushi, although at other times the thought of raw fish makes them nauseous.

Romantic love and infatuation are not so much emotions as they are motivational engines. They are part of the brain's reward system. The intensification of these feelings forces people to look for marriage partners. And from these motivational engines all other emotions are fueled - depending on how the relationship develops. At this time, the frontal cortex collects information, organizes facts into a system and develops a strategy for moving towards the “big jackpot”.

Motivation and the acceleration system in the brain are stimulated by neurotransmitters: adrenaline, norepinephrine, dopamine, serotonin and phenylethylamine. In the initial phase (the phase of attraction), these substances also participate, but only in the second, romantic, stage do they begin to predominate and dominate.

Neurotransmitters are substances that help transmit signals between nerve cells. The brain constantly balances, increasing or decreasing their number. Thanks to them, you either get excited when you see your loved one, or feel your heart pounding from an excess of feelings, or, on the contrary, you calm down and enjoy the moment, the warmth of mutual love.

Adrenaline and norepinephrine

Epinephrine and norepinephrine, produced in the adrenal glands and in the spinal cord and brain, are excitatory neurotransmitters. They cause the heart rate and blood pressure to increase, causing the body to prepare for action - in the face of a threat or out of joy (general excitement) in the presence of a potential romantic partner. These hormones also contribute to sexual arousal and orgasm. When their levels are constantly elevated, a person is prone to anxiety, and when they are decreased, to depression.

Chronic stress, low levels of estrogen, testosterone and progesterone, a sedentary lifestyle, a poor diet and genetics can lead to a drop in adrenaline and norepinephrine levels, which disrupts the “law of attraction”. A person with a lack of adrenaline and norepinephrine, when he sees an attractive potential partner, is afraid to ask him out on a date for fear that he will become too excited, his palms will sweat, his face will turn red, or he will start to stutter. If there is a deficiency of these substances, stimulant medications or nutritional supplements (for example, the amino acid tyrosine) will help balance them. If adrenaline and norepinephrine levels are too high, forms of therapy such as hypnosis and biofeedback, as well as certain medications, are used.

The most important and well-studied neurotransmitter associated with situations when we are passionate about something (i.e. directing special attention to a very specific object) is dopamine. It is produced in the central part of the brain and is responsible for feelings of pleasure, motivation and concentration. Dopamine is also involved in the reward centers of the brain. Normal levels of dopamine help people experience joy in the presence of a loved one, interest in them, and feel attractive.

In 2002, Dr. Helen Fisher conducted a study that explained the role of dopamine in the feeling of falling in love. She and her assistants recruited 40 subjects who had recently experienced a period of intense infatuation. Of these, 20 were still in the relationship and the other 20 had gone through a breakup. The researcher placed each subject in a tomograph, inside which the person had to look at a photograph of someone he was in love with for 30 seconds, and then was given a distracting task - to look at a photograph of a simply familiar person for another 30 seconds, and so on alternately for 12 minutes. The result of the experiment was pictures of the brain in love. It turned out that dopamine was active in different areas of the brain, including the basal ganglia. And it was the photographs of his lover that sparked his activity. In addition, some pathways in the frontal lobes were stimulated, but the amygdala (fear center), on the contrary, was suppressed.

So, dopamine is associated with a person’s interest, his passion, and increased attention. Therefore, when dopamine levels are low, depression, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and a tendency to take risks and seek easy pleasures are likely. Cocaine and stimulant medications increase dopamine production. To increase dopamine levels, you can use some dietary supplements, such as the amino acid tyrosine. I have seen men and women who benefit greatly from taking this amino acid when dopamine levels are low and when their romantic drive has been suppressed by antidepressant medications.

Serotonin

Serotonin is produced in the brain stem and midbrain, and its release is accompanied by positive experiences. The feeling of satisfaction after orgasm is largely regulated by serotonin. Serotonin is involved in regulating mood and emotional flexibility. With its deficiency, depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorders, impulsivity and excessive activity in the anterior cingulate cortex (ACCI) are possible. Low levels of serotonin, oddly enough, were observed in subjects during the period of new love. This may be why people sometimes experience anxiety and mood swings in the initial stages of a relationship.

However, it is precisely when there is a lack of serotonin that people tend to get stuck in certain thoughts or behavior patterns. Remember the last time you fell in love - you couldn't think about anything else, no matter how much you had to do, and you always found time for this person. When you thought about him, your mood rose, and when your phone call went unanswered, it fell. You couldn’t find a place for yourself, and your friends wondered what had become of your prudence. If a relationship ends prematurely, lower serotonin levels make a person vulnerable to depression.

In clinical practice, I spend most of my time taking brain images of people who need help. As part of the research, I take pictures of the brain and healthy people. Several years ago, one of my friends participated in our study as a brain-healthy patient. A couple of months later, he fell madly in love. One day he came to me to tell me about his new love. I saw that he was extremely infatuated with his new woman and decided to repeat his brain scan to see what he looked like “in love.” In the second image, activity in the anterior cingulate cortex and basal ganglia was significantly increased, and his brain was literally obsessed with a new hobby. His serotonin levels were probably low at that time.

Too much serotonin can also be problematic because the feelings of peace and satisfaction it produces can lead to decreased motivation. Antidepressants, which increase the amount of serotonin, are notorious for reducing sex drive and sexual function - partly because recipients lose sexual interest, but also because excess serotonin reduces sensitivity in the genital area and makes it more difficult to achieve orgasm.

Thus, dopamine and serotonin tend to balance each other out in the brain. When dopamine levels are high (as happens with a new crush), serotonin levels decrease, and then the person is more motivated to think about the object of his interest, which leads to falling in love. If power passes to serotonin, a person becomes satisfied, motivation decreases, and the attitude towards love stimuli becomes almost indifferent.

Phenylethylamine

Phenylethylamine (PEA), an adrenaline-like substance found particularly in chocolate, can speed up the exchange of information between nerve cells and helps us pay attention to the love feelings that arise. PEA is also called the “love molecule” because it promotes feelings of euphoria and intense infatuation and, along with norepinephrine and dopamine, increases blood flow to the brain.

SUBSTANCES OF ATTACHMENT: “I LOVE YOU”

(oxytocin and vasopressin)

Those who have ever fallen in love know that the initial special state of falling in love does not last forever. We either progress in a relationship and begin to experience deep love and affection, or we decide to break up. Neuroscientists have determined that between about 6 months and 2 years after the start of a relationship, the brain slightly slows down the active release of stimulants and neurotransmitters such as PEA. This is where the innate wisdom of the body comes into play: after all, the tension of feelings cannot be maintained indefinitely, otherwise it will lead to exhaustion.

My colleagues in couples and family therapy note that this period accounts for many unnecessary divorces and breakups because people confuse the natural decrease in the intensity of feelings with the loss of love. Due to the lack of familiar strong emotions, some may begin to seek new experiences with other sexual partners. However, understanding this biological law greatly helps couples move into the phase of trust and affection where true love begins.

How does your brain know if you want to stay with an attractive partner? Commitment is usually more difficult for men than for women. Even though our goals are similar (procreation, pleasure and a sense of belonging), women are more focused on starting a family and raising children. There is not a single human community, not a single exotic culture, where men are the main educators of children. Men and women have different programs preset by nature. So, women have a larger limbic (emotional brain). This does not mean that men are not needed to raise children or that they are not good at it, they just have different roles. Unless a woman has experienced emotional trauma, she is initially more inclined to settle down and start a family. Men are often afraid of the responsibility of raising children and loyalty to one chosen one. Interestingly, men with not very high testosterone levels are more inclined to create a strong family.

An American study of 4,000 men found that men with high testosterone were 43% more likely to get divorced and 38% more likely to have extramarital affairs. And they get married 50% less often. Men with lower testosterone levels are more likely to marry and stay married, perhaps because moderate levels of testosterone make them calmer, less aggressive, and more cooperative.

Generally speaking, the desire to form a pair is associated with two “hormones of emotional connections” - oxytocin and vasopressin.

Oxytocin

Oxytocin is released by the pituitary gland and acts on the ovaries and testes to regulate reproduction. Researchers suspect that this hormone is important for forming close social bonds. Oxytocin levels increase when couples watch romantic movies, hug, or hold hands. Mice voles, when injected with oxytocin, reproduce much faster than usual. Blocking oxytocin interferes with their normal pair formation. The same thing happens in people. Because people choose partners based on certain characteristics. This is why you may be attracted to the same type of person repeatedly.

In general, in men, oxytocin levels are normally lower, except during periods after orgasm, when they increase by 500% (causing drowsiness). In babies, this hormone is released when they breastfeed, making them sleepy too.

Oxytocin also promotes feelings of intimacy and falling in love if you have regular sex with the same partner. There are several reasons for this. First, oxytocin makes the skin more sensitive, increasing affection and the desire for physical contact. Secondly, oxytocin levels increase with touch and even anticipation of touch. Oxytocin increases during the act of love, reaching its maximum level during orgasm, and remains elevated for some time after it. This may be why some men become more talkative and emotional after intimacy. In addition, oxytocin during sex temporarily blocks some unpleasant episodes associated with our partner. In addition, it is known that, for example, strong releases of oxytocin after childbirth help a woman forget pain, and during breastfeeding they are designed to “erase” the memories of long sleepless nights when she had to take care of a newborn. Nature did this for the sake of positive feelings and love for the child.

Oxytocin creates an atmosphere of trust. Michael Kosfeld and his colleagues from Switzerland published the results of a study in the journal Nature in which inhalation of oxytocin into the nose increased people's trust in others. Participants who inhaled oxytocin spray gave more money to partners in a risky investment game than participants who were given placebo inhalers.

It turns out that oxytocin promotes the trust necessary for friendship, love, family, economic and political transactions. According to the authors' conclusions, oxytocin specifically affects a person's willingness to accept risks arising in interpersonal contacts.

In the experiment, college students were given $64 as a reward. They were then divided into pairs, and one person in each pair was randomly assigned to be the “investor” and the other to be the “banker.” Participants received 12 coupons worth 32 cents, which could be redeemed at the end of the experiment. The "investors" decided how many coupons to give to the "banker". Both people knew that the experimenters would quadruple this amount at the end of the game. The “bankers” decided whether to keep the entire increased amount or give part of it as interest to the “investor”. Among the “investors” who inhaled oxytocin, approximately half gave all of their coupons to the “bankers,” and many gave most of their coupons. And among those who inhaled the placebo, only a fifth of the “investors” gave half of the coupons to the “bankers,” and only a third of them gave most of the coupons. Interestingly, oxytocin only affected “investors.” The "bankers", no matter what they inhaled, returned comparable portions of the amount. They appeared to be more generous if investors gave away most of their coupons, and more stingy if the investments were small. Thus, the influence of oxytocin was limited to the social situation.

Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio from the University of Iowa believes that the effects of oxytocin are a surprising discovery: “It adds trust to love, and without trust there is no true love.”

Substances that enhance bonds between people may also affect fertility. In animal experiments, an increase in oxytocin increased the fertility of individuals. In humans, high levels of oxytocin are associated with reduced stress levels and a more trusting relationship with people - which together can increase the likelihood of conception.

Vasopressin

The clue to the mechanism of attachment in men is given by the hormone vasopressin. This hormone is involved in regulating sexual constancy, confidence, dominance, and marking territory. It is not surprising that its concentration is higher in men.

So why do some men constantly follow women with their eyes, while others remain faithful to their girlfriends? It turned out that in voles the difference between devoted monogamous males (sort of exemplary dads, firmly seated in their native nest) and “adventurous men” on the side, prone to changing pairs, can be explained by different levels of vasopressin.

Oxytocin and vasopressin in some sense conflict with the action of dopamine and norepinephrine. Perhaps this is why the feeling of attachment intensifies as crazy, passionate love weakens.

The two neurotransmitters described, tender and lasting love, can also be influenced by other hormones. For example, increased testosterone levels can suppress oxytocin and vasopressin. (It was already mentioned above that men with high levels of testosterone are less likely to get married, more likely to get divorced and more prone to display aggression in marriage.) However, this scientific fact is also known. When a man holds a baby, testosterone levels drop, partly because it releases oxytocin and vasopressin.

The trust, affection and constancy that comes from oxytocin and vasopressin are very important for couple stability. However, hormones by themselves are not enough to maintain sexual and emotional unity between people.

It is important for partners to be able to discuss their wants and needs (both in and out of the bedroom), to be able to listen carefully, and to make an effort on both sides to maintain the warm relationship that has arisen between them. (If you haven't seen it yet, watch the documentary "March of the Penguins" - one of the best videos about true affection.)

PARTING: “WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH?”

(serotonin and endorphins)

When Shawna and Nick ran away, it took him a long time to come to his senses. Nick heard her voice in his head, smelled Shawna's scent on her clothes, remembered her touch. They were together for 5 years, and everything around him reminded him of Shawn: photographs, films, waking up, falling asleep. She was on his mind most of the day. Moreover, deep down, Nick was even glad that they separated - they could never agree and had already broken up several times. Nick always felt that he couldn't rely on Shawna, that she would leave if things got worse. However, despite this, he was worried, worried, and even had panic attacks in moments of especially strong longing for Shawna.

What happens in the brain when we lose someone? Why do we suffer? When we love someone, that person “lives” in our emotional centers - in the limbic brain. (That is, actually “written” in many of our pathways, in synapses and neurons.) When we lose someone - through death, divorce, moving, breakup - the brain becomes confused and disoriented. A loved one is still present in our neural connections, and we habitually expect to see, hear, feel him. When this does not happen, the emotional centers of the brain, where memories of the lost loved one are alive, are activated in search of that person. And, as we already know, excessive activity of the limbic system is associated with depression and a decrease in serotonin. This is why we find it difficult to sleep, we lose our appetite, our joy in life, we strive for isolation from the world and we think obsessively about the subject of our feelings. At the same time, we experience a lack of endorphins, which are designed to reduce the sensation of pain and promote the experience of pleasure and joy. All of this can explain the physical and mental pain of breaking up a relationship.

How to throw a love object out of your head and heart

In Dean Koontz's novel Speed, a psychopathic killer tortures his victim, good-natured bartender BILLY Wilens, by driving three fishhooks under his skin. The fishhooks are very difficult to remove, the hero needed a lot of alcohol and painkillers, and he was left with scars.

When a loved one leaves us, even if we initiated the breakup ourselves, many feel like unfortunate Bill Wilens. People often try to heal the wounds and scars of a breakup with alcohol and other “painkillers” (such as drugs, sex, excessive work). I myself know what the end of a relationship is: they left me, and I left. When they abandon you, it hurts more.

Once, after a breakup, it seemed to me that such hooks were deeply ingrained in my heart and brain, and every memory of my beloved tugged at them. Photos, songs, friends, cars, names (she had a common name), cities, pillows and restaurants - everything reminded me of her. I was a neurochemical storm for almost 6 months. I even took a brain scan of myself in the midst of these experiences to see what my brain was like while immersed in grief. The scan showed excessive activity in the anterior cingulate cortex (which is not normal for me). This was consistent with my fixation on sadness.

Based on my own experience and experience working with patients, I can offer five tips on how to get over a breakup and feel good.

1. First of all, take care of your health. At first we simply try to moderate the pain: we eat or drink too much, stop playing sports, isolate ourselves from communicating with people. Stop it immediately! Watch your diet, exercise more (studies have shown that exercise is as effective for depression as antidepressant medications) and spend time with friends. Kava kava supplements can help promote sleep if not taken for too long.

2. Don't idealize the other person. Whenever we focus on the good qualities of our ex, we only make our pain worse. If we remember the negative aspects, the pain decreases, and we begin to be glad that we broke up with this person. Take the time to make a list of your ex-lover's negative traits. Idealization prolongs the grieving process and increases pain. Find balance. Be honest about the other person's good and bad characteristics. There is a useful exercise that I tried on myself at the time of separation. You need to create a mnemonic phrase that reminds you of the bad qualities of your ex-partner. When the fishhooks of separation are tightened, you need to quickly repeat this phrase and immediately remember its negative features. For example, if her name was Hannah:

Frowned too often, Apathetic in business. Never apologized. Didn't have any exciting sex. Aggressive towards my friends.

3. Cry - you will feel better. At the beginning of the breakup, be sure to allow yourself to grieve and cry to your heart’s content. Tears are great for relieving tension in the limbic system. Then go through the house, check the computer and desk, collect photos, souvenirs, trinkets and hide them. There is no need to destroy them right away, because you never know what will happen in the future. If you make peace, you will greatly regret your actions. Time will show. After a few months, you will be able to make a more informed decision about whether to keep items that remind you of your previous relationship. But for now, just hide them.

4. Love must be persistent. When you act pathetic and weak-willed during a breakup, you push the other person further away because weakness is unattractive. In such a case, you behave like a victim. Control yourself - not for the sake of revenge, but for your own sake, for the sake of continuing your life.

5. Try this technique. Byron Katie, along with her husband Stephen Mitchell, wrote a wonderfully wise book, Loving What Is. In it, she suggests asking yourself four questions in difficult situations. When I was going through a breakup, this technique helped me return to my usual happy state of mind. I have learned that every time I start to struggle with reality, I act like a madman. Kate suggests looking at the thought that is causing the pain (for example, “I miss her”) and asking yourself questions like these.

Question N21: Is this true? Is this really true?(Do I really miss her terribly?)

Question #2: Is this really absolutely true?(- No. Not absolutely! I don’t miss her indecisiveness, her jumps and her indifference to some things.)

Question #3: How do I feel when this thought occurs to me?(“I miss her”)? (- Unhappy, full of remorse, stupid, ashamed. This means that it is my thoughts that torment me.)

Question #4: What would I be like without this thought?(- I would be happy with life and myself again.) Katie says that the thought should then be reversed, and “I miss her” will become “I miss my old self.” I miss the healthy, cheerful, happy me, without sleep problems, the successful and energetic me.

These four questions and a thought shift can literally change your life. I have seen the technique work on my patients too.

A. Gulenkov “Chemistry of Love”

Helen Fisher "Why We Love" The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love"

Larry Young, Brian Alexander "The Chemistry of Love. A scientific view of love, sex and attraction."

Most advice articles on choosing a soulmate say little about concepts such as compatibility and mutual attraction, or chemistry. People are expected to understand their meaning intuitively. When you are attracted to someone, you just feel it. If you are dating someone with whom you are not compatible, it is also difficult to ignore. Just remember the feeling when you bite into a bad apple.

Compatibility and chemistry are usually ignored by the authors of such advice because they cannot be imitated or influenced in any way. Instead, we spend a lot of time learning ways to improve ourselves, acquiring self-presentation skills, and mastering all sorts of tricky techniques that help us communicate with members of the opposite sex. And all this in order to increase your value in the relationship market.

All these tips are needed in order to attract a person who seems unattainable to us, to find a way to make him notice us. A girl like you've never met before. The man you've dreamed of all your life. And if that unattainable man or woman is simply not compatible with us, well, we just don't want to hear about it. But in vain.

What is compatibility

People often confuse compatibility and chemistry, but in fact there is a very big difference between them. Most of us casually use these concepts to describe the mysterious phenomena that occur between two people: an invisible and inexpressible connection or lack thereof.

In fact, compatibility is a natural match between the values ​​and lifestyles of two people. There will clearly be no compatibility between the priest and the stripper, so it is unlikely that they will even decide to build a relationship with each other.

Simply put, if you value smart, educated women and you date a college dropout who prefers guys with big muscles who like to hunt deer, you and her will clearly be incompatible. In all likelihood, your relationship will not work out.

Educated men with liberal views usually date educated women with liberal views. Hedonists choose hedonists. Religious fanatics choose the same religious fanatics. And people with different moral values ​​tend to dislike each other. Sometimes even complete intolerance.

What is chemistry

Chemistry, on the other hand, is the emotional connection that occurs between people when they are close to each other. People between whom very strong chemistry is formed evoke an emotional response in each other due to certain characteristics of their personality.

The warm emotions of one person are mirrored in another, and a certain cycle of positive reaction is created, thanks to which these people begin to feel better and better next to each other.

If you are strongly attracted to someone, that person takes up all your thoughts and sometimes all your free time. You coo all night, but it seems like only an hour has passed. If you hear a call, you hope that it is from the object of your affection. And most likely it is. You constantly wonder what he (or she) would think about this song, this movie, the weather, how he would comment on your visit to the dentist, and so on.

Chemistry can be called a passion, a disease. It is well described by the formula “spark, storm, madness.” When chemistry occurs, something in your behavior and personality traits triggers a dopamine surge in your partner. The same thing happens to you. And that's it, you're gone. You constantly spend time with each other, but it’s never enough for you. You whisper sweet nothings in each other's ears, use the L-word without thinking, and irritate everyone around you within a kilometer radius.

Unlike lack of compatibility, lack of chemistry does not push people away from each other. Usually people who are not attracted to each other are simply bored together. Their relationship lacks emotion.

Chemistry has a strong effect on. In its absence, the couple is doomed to boring, emotionless sex. And if there is strong chemistry, you will most likely be in for some mind-blowing nights (and days) that you both will remember for the rest of your lives.

Where does chemistry come from?

It is difficult to trace what exactly causes the chemistry. Any little thing can trigger the mechanism: for example, you like the way he or she laughs at your jokes.

The chemistry is felt instantly and equally by both parties. An important distinguishing feature of chemistry is the reciprocity of sensations.

If you feel something, you can be sure that your significant other feels the same. For each other, you become ideal empaths.

Artist Alex Gray once said what happens when two people with such inner cockroaches meet that they complement each other. And there is some truth in his joke. Strong chemistry usually occurs between people with opposing but complementary personality traits.

A sensitive, energetic and slightly nervous girl can be extremely attractive to a calm, gentle and unemotional young man. Introverts tend to be naturally attracted to extroverts. Time management kings are often attracted to disorganized individuals who act spontaneously.

Is it possible to do without compatibility or without chemistry?

As you might have guessed, compatibility and chemistry don't always go hand in hand. A relationship without chemistry but with good compatibility will most likely be a series of boring but convenient meetings and dry conversations. They end either with the partners getting tired of this boredom and separating, or with the consolidation of this mutual convenience in the bonds of marriage, based on friendly relations. Unfortunately, this situation occurs quite often.

On the other hand, chemistry without compatibility usually leads to complete disaster. Sometimes, after the end of such a relationship, the only way out for former lovers is to go to opposite parts of the world.

Such relationships are really like a disease. You know that he or she is completely wrong for you, but you cannot refuse this person. Your behavior becomes completely irrational, your mind and heart are in constant discord. You both fall into a frantic cycle of love and hate. You constantly make excuses for your partner, and your friends watch with slack jaws. They don't know whether they should risk their health and try to get you out of this swamp or continue to support you while you spin around in your love tornado with no hope of getting out of it and ruining your life in every possible way.

If you have strong chemistry in your relationship but you are incompatible, that's bad. Very bad. Such relationships arise and develop extremely quickly, but just as quickly fade away.

You will soon realize that you are simply ruining each other’s lives, but getting out of this union is much more difficult than it seems. Easier said than done, because you have already fallen into a serious trap. Your brain sounds an alarm while you continue to be led by feelings or simply by your genitals, and the adviser is so-so.

All this ends with missed calls, changing locks, continuous drunkenness and hysterics. And if you're really lucky, you'll have to experience for yourself what it's like to beg a pregnancy test not to show you a result you don't want to see. The pleasure is very doubtful.

How to build strong and happy relationships

If you want a relationship to bring you joy and satisfaction, and this satisfaction is not limited only to the sexual sphere (although this cannot be ignored), you need to understand what compatibility and chemistry are. Obviously, a good union contains both components.

You need to understand what you really are and what you want from your future partner. If this is still difficult for you to do, you may need to gain enough experience to decide.

For example, you are a man with a fairly high level of intelligence. You understand that you cannot date a girl with whom you will have nothing to talk about. Yes, of course, you can drown out hostility with a portion of alcohol and thus survive a couple of dates. But would you want to turn alcoholism into your hobby? Conclusion: You need to look for a girl with a high level of intelligence, because this characteristic is extremely important to you. This way you will take into account the compatibility aspect.

In addition, you need to decide what kind of women you are attracted to. Let's say you find that you are attracted to energetic and decisive women; they complement your nature well, because you yourself are quite calm and phlegmatic. Accordingly, when you meet such a person, you need to consciously approach the prospect of a relationship with him. Remembering that you need an intelligent woman, you most likely will not rush headlong into the pool. In the same way, you are unlikely to start a relationship with an intellectual of a soft disposition, knowing that she will not satisfy you emotionally.

Approach wisely. This may sound too pragmatic, but you won't last long on compatibility or chemistry alone. It can be quite exciting, but you clearly deserve to live without half measures.

Lovers have strong feelings for each other and want to spend all their time together. The couple seems to be addicted to love. The heart is pounding, the appetite disappears, it is difficult to fall asleep, it is impossible to concentrate in classes or work, such a strange psychology of behavior when falling in love allows us to conclude that love, like a drug, changes the physiology of people. Feelings trigger the production of various hormones: oxytocin, dopamine, dopamine in extreme quantities. This leads to the awakening of creative abilities, the desire to write poetry and draw appears, all these are familiar signs of falling in love. And all because love triggers complex chemical reactions in the body. As a result of long-term research, Arthur Aron made a major scientific discovery; he “deciphered the chemistry of love.”

What prompted the scientist to study love as a chemical reaction?

When Arthur was hit by Cupid's arrow and began to experience the pangs of love, he decided to investigate what was happening to his body in general and to his brain in particular. In 1960, Aron was an ordinary student at the University of California, completing work for a master's degree in psychology, with no hope of making a major scientific discovery. His ultimate dream was to work as a college professor. But Cupid intervened in his life and changed everything. One day Aron’s gaze fell on his classmate Helen, and he experienced all the pleasant symptoms that love hormones cause: euphoria, insomnia, loss of appetite, an irresistible desire to be near the girl. The feelings were intensely exciting and at times confusing.

The scientist began to look for data on what happens to people’s minds when symptoms of falling in love appear. It turned out that this issue has hardly been studied. Research suggesting that love is a chemical process has not been popular in the scientific world.

Intense chemistry of love

After the first hit by Cupid's arrow, the body begins to produce a whole cocktail of various substances, including dopamine and adrenaline. Such hormonal imbalance deprives a person of the ability to think rationally for some time. This is exactly what happened to Aaron. He went on to study the symptoms of falling in love at the University of Toronto, and published a detailed report on his scientific discoveries. By the way, Arthur managed to realize his plans, he married Helen and got a job as a psychology teacher at one of the universities in New York. However, the scientist did not stop his research. He teamed up with other experts in psychology, biology, medicine and other human sciences to understand the chemical reaction of love.

In the process of research, scientists came to the conclusion that when symptoms of falling in love appear, the same parts of the brain are activated as when expecting your favorite food or other pleasures. This state is similar to the expectation of winning a large sum of money or a very good event. One of the main scientific discoveries is that the symptoms of falling in love can be at least partially explained by the proposition that love is a chemical reaction in the body.

Love is a drug, or the physiology of feeling

Many people believe that love is simply an emotional reaction, but in reality it is more like a physiological need, like hunger or drug addiction. Falling in love is not a unique emotion, but it leads to the emergence of a whole range of feelings if a person cannot achieve what he wants. To continue his research in this direction, Aron teamed up with neuroscientist Lucy Brown and anthropologist Helen Fisher, together they study the chemical reactions of love. This feeling doesn't just light up your eyes, it does the same to certain areas of your brain. In a study of volunteers, they were asked to imagine the faces of lovers during an MRI scan. During this time, the central part of the brain, called the ventral region, glowed like a Christmas tree. It is here that one of the love hormones is produced: dopamine, which causes a feeling of joy and euphoria. Allows you to focus on achieving the object of desire.

During the study, recruits filled out a questionnaire to assess the intensity of their sensations. After that, they were placed in an MRI scanner, which allowed scientists to track those areas of the brain that were most affected by a person's feelings. A tomograph detects changes in blood flow in brain tissue. In active areas, you can usually see blood flow.

During the scan, volunteers were shown objects of love, and at the same time asked to remember romantic moments. In another phase, recruits looked at images of friends and acquaintances and recalled life episodes associated with these people. This approach made it possible to track the various emotional reactions that appeared after viewing the photographs. If the volunteers looked at images devoid of romance, then their brains did not show much activity. The picture changed if the subject saw a photo of a loved one. The ventral region and the caudate nucleus were activated. The first department is responsible for motivation and rewards, the second leads to love addiction, makes your hand and voice tremble in the presence of the object of your desire, and makes you constantly think about him. According to Aran, areas of the brain in MRIs glowed like Las Vegas slot machines when they saw a loved one.

Among other things, these parts of the brain are involved in basic functions: eating, drinking, swallowing, which people do without thinking. Everything that happens in these areas is carried out on an unconscious level, which is perhaps why all the emotions associated with love are so difficult to control.

Both areas of the brain responsible for falling in love are part of the reward system and are filled with cells that produce dopamine, a chemical released when rewards are received.

So, when a person is pierced by Cupid's arrow, his brain begins to produce excess amounts of dopamine, which makes him feel euphoric and take steps to achieve his goals and dopamine, which causes states of contentment. When using drugs, the level of these hormones also increases. This is what causes addiction to love, because a person, in the absence of an object of affection, loses the incentive to release dopamine and dopamine, there is a feeling of emptiness and grief.

Falling in love or stress?

Not all symptoms of falling in love are caused by dopamine and dopamine. The brain also begins to produce hormones, the levels of which increase during times of stress. Epinephrine causes your heart rate to increase and delivers more oxygen to your muscles. The body prepares to act in an extreme situation. It is epinephrine that causes unpleasant feelings: rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms and stuttering when a loved one approaches.

There is another side to this whole hormonal sabbath: excess dopamine causes insomnia, loss of appetite and forces you to constantly contact the person who caused the “love addiction”. Some people consider falling in love an obsession, and they are not too far from the truth.

Fortunately, the body cannot maintain such production of “aggressive” love hormones for too long and the phase of passionate love ends. This condition usually lasts from several months to 2-3 years. Then the level of dopamine and dopamine, and often adrenaline, decreases and the person returns to normal life.

But this does not mean that the chemistry of love has ceased to work, it has simply moved into another phase.

The hubbub of love: affection

When the hormones stop raging, a different feeling appears. People like being together, passion fades into the background. The love hormone, oxytocin, is responsible for this. One of the scientists from the University of California, Paul Zak, developed a special spray that allowed the substance to be sent directly to the brain. He conducted a study on students and found out that oxytocin is one of the substances that proves that love is a chemical reaction. When using it, students became more friendly and trusting of strangers.

People have to make thousands of decisions throughout the day and trust their choices. It is oxytocin that plays a key role in the psychology of such behavior. This is a messenger hormone; it ensures the transmission of information from one nerve cell to another.

Oxytocin plays the most important role during childbirth and immediately after it. It stimulates contractions and also starts milk production. It is thanks to this substance that mothers experience a feeling of extraordinary affection for their children. That's why oxytocin is called the love hormone.

Zach's research found that oxytocin plays an important role in trust. This can be applied to explain social behavior. During positive contact with other people, a person's production of oxytocin increases, this is a signal of safety and motivation for good behavior. The hormone seems to say: “if you feel good with me, I feel good with you.”

Of course, using oxytocin to artificially create trust in strangers can be dangerous. But it appears naturally through human interaction. Zach tracked all phases of the substance's influence by testing the hormone levels of student volunteers. During communication, even if it took place on social networks, the level of oxytocin increases, people feel calmer, and trust arises between them. It turned out that any positive interaction, dancing, communicating on social networks, working out together or watching movies, playing with pets increases the level of the love hormone. This was shown by blood tests of all volunteers participating in the experiment.

Oxytocin and the psychology of social relationships

When oxytocin levels increase, stress decreases, even a small release of the hormone affects this. This substance normalizes blood pressure, slows heart rate and calms breathing. These changes help dampen the body's response to stress. A person feels less anxious when surrounded by other people, especially when meeting strangers.

Oxytocin is released during pleasant communication, hugs or handshakes; it glues people together like magic, helping to leave passion and symptoms of falling in love in the past and move on to calm loving affection. This substance works to strengthen social bonds in all mammals.

It would be very scary, constantly being around unfamiliar people, they need to be assessed as quickly as possible. Positive interactions release oxytocin levels and signal to the person who can be trusted.

The hormone helps build relationships and experience affection not only in the relationship between mother and child. Thanks to him, love is a chemical process that bonds families, friends and even people with pets. Since affection in all mammals is associated with the release of oxytocin, the hormone works in both directions.

If you feel bad, hug someone or shake their hand. This is how researcher Paul Zak began to behave in everyday life, he greets and even hugs everyone with whom he interacts. This helps him increase oxytocin levels, both in himself and in other people. That is why the scientist was nicknamed Doctor of Love. According to the scientist, after such a change in the psychology of behavior, his life improved, it is easier for him to communicate with strangers and inspire trust in others.

Scientists have managed not only to explain that love is a chemical process. They also explained why evolution needed to “tinker” with creating such a complex system. About this in the article: "".

Love is an amazing feeling, sung by poets and captured on the canvases of great artists. We are accustomed to treating love as something sublime, and many couples even consider their acquaintance a real gift of fate. But in recent years, the concept of “chemistry of love” has come into use - a scientific view of our feelings and emotions. This topic causes a lot of controversy and commentary. Quite often a topic is discussed on forums that sounds like “The chemistry of love, or Love is chemistry.” Therefore, we decided to take a closer look at the features of love relationships between people.

The mechanism of love: what is it?

Most people still believe that the feeling of falling in love appears by itself and does not depend on any external factors. Romantics would like it to be so. But in reality, we fall in love under the influence of a complex system of hormonal regulation, which scientists have coined their name - “love chemistry.”

If you look at our body from a scientific point of view, it looks like a large factory, releasing a certain amount of hormones into the blood when necessary. Moreover, humans cannot regulate these emissions; the only one who controls the process is our brain. It is he who is responsible for whether we fall in love with a person or pass by with an absolutely indifferent look. It was not without reason that in the old days they said: “You can’t be nice by force.” Of course, our ancestors were far from understanding that the chemistry of love exists, but they had a clear understanding of the mechanism of falling in love, which either arises immediately or never begins to work.

Therefore, no matter how much we would like to idealize love, in fact it is just a set of chemical processes in the body, launched under the influence of hormones.

Why do we need love?

If it’s so simple to break down the feeling of love into its components, then many people have a natural question about the necessity of such emotions for our body. What is the chemistry of love and why do we need it?

The answer to this question is extremely simple - in nature, every healthy individual must give birth to offspring in order to ensure the survival of the entire species. But people would not meet and live together, which is necessary for the birth of offspring, if not for a cunning organism. It lures us into relationships with bursts of the required concentration of hormones and maintains them in the required quantity at each stage of the relationship. We can say that our brain creates a special hormonal cocktail called “chemistry of love”, the components for which are calculated with amazing precision, preventing annoying mistakes.

Choosing a partner: how it happens from a biochemical point of view

To understand well what the chemistry of love is, it is necessary to know how we choose the object of our love. Here our brain also plays the first violin. The fact is that every person has a certain type of partner most suitable for us in their subconscious. We may not even realize what this ideal is, but the brain knows it and when all the underlying characteristics coincide, it begins to actively signal. This usually happens during the first meeting. Many lovers said that they noticed their partner completely by accident. All of a sudden. In fact, it was the brain that organized this recognition.

Subsequently, the body releases a hefty dose of adrenaline and norepinephrine into the blood. They are necessary for the acquaintance to take place. Young people experience rapid heartbeat, sweating, and trembling legs and arms. If the acquaintance was successful, the body turns on a complex system for scanning the partner. This is not the chemistry of love, but preparation for it. After all, the brain will not waste hormones on a partner unsuitable for creating offspring.

The process of scanning a candidate for love occurs on an unconscious level, it includes the following stages:

• physical compatibility;
• classification of odors emanating from a person (this is how the body receives data about the immune system);
• behavioral skills assessment;
• recognition of adaptation mechanisms.

Usually, in order to receive all the data, the brain only needs a few minutes of active communication with a person. If all the information received a positive assessment, then this is where the real chemistry of love comes into play. But ordinary people simply call it love at first sight.

Chemistry of love: strong neurosis, or the stage of falling in love

Falling in love is the first stage of a mass of complex manipulations that our brain performs on us. During this period, the hormone dopamine is constantly released into the blood. This usually occurs at the level of a significant decrease in serotonin, the hormone of joy, in the body. This amazing interaction of two important hormones creates dependence on the object of one’s love, which can easily be equated to a narcotic one. After all, dopamine is directly responsible for the formation of any addictions in our body. A decrease in serotonin causes obsessive thoughts about your partner, which can make the addiction even stronger.

The stage of falling in love does not last more than two years; it is very draining on the body. During this period, the parts of the brain responsible for creativity are activated. A person is constantly bursting with new ideas, is in an elevated state of spirit and has an amazing capacity for work.

Decreased dopamine production is the cause of infidelity after two years of relationship. After all, the body begins to look not for the best, but simply for a new object that can provide it with an increased release of hormones into the blood.

Passion is the second stage of love

Each organism is individual, therefore the stages of love are completely different. Their duration may decrease or, conversely, increase, but in any case, passion follows romantic love.

This stage is a huge stress for the body. A whole cocktail of hormones enters our blood. First of all, these are norepinephrine and cortisol, which are also called stress hormones. They mobilize the body's strength and accelerate its adaptation to rapidly changing conditions. Passion cannot exist without a large amount of sex hormones. Men get a hefty dose of testosterone, while women get a mixture of progesterone, testosterone and estrogen.

The intimacy between partners strengthens their emotional connection. Scientists say that regular sexual relations in the second stage of love contribute to the release of two hormones responsible for attachment.

The third stage of love is attachment

Pleasant intimacy becomes a catalyst for the production of two very important hormones:

• vasopressin;
• oxytocin.

In the literature they are often called trust hormones. They inhibit the release of dopamine into the blood, which allows the body to reduce the intensity of passions and move to a new important stage - the appearance of offspring.

Oxytocin is responsible for the notorious maternal instinct, pushing a woman to give birth and care for the child. In addition, it participates in the process of childbirth itself, causing muscular contractions of the uterus.

At the stage of attachment, lovers are very good together, they feel completely safe and enjoy any joint activities. They can have great fun separately, but still constantly strive to extend their time together. It gives them greater satisfaction.

Love bliss - stage four

Scientists consider this stage to be the final phase of the chemistry of love - the body goes into a mode of constant production of endodiazepines. They induce a state of relaxation in a person, fear and anxiety are lost. Therefore, many couples, returning home after work, feel calm and good. It seems that all the passions are already behind, and only a boundless ocean of peace awaits the couple ahead.

At this stage, relationships are “cemented”; people simply stop thinking about the fact that they can exist separately.

Love and relationships: can they be considered synonyms?

Many people substitute the concepts of love and relationships. After all, you have all met couples who build harmonious relationships without experiencing strong emotions for each other. And vice versa - strong love is not a guarantee of building a strong relationship.

The thing is that love is just chemistry, entirely dependent on the release of hormones into the blood. But relationships in a couple, although they have some relationship with hormonal levels, are still the result of complex and conscious activity of two people. They can be compared to a road that can only be walked together, overcoming completely different stages of love.

Chemistry in relationships: stages and descriptions

Some stages of relationship formation are similar to the manifestation of love chemistry. Sometimes lovers do not go through them in parallel, which significantly affects the harmony in the couple. Scientists believe that the path from the first to the last stage takes approximately seven years:

1. Saturation

This period is characterized by an irresistible desire of people to be together and get to know each other. Moreover, the disadvantages seem insignificant, but the advantages are exaggerated several times. The whole world next to your loved one is filled with bright colors, and separation for several hours seems like an ordeal.

2. Saturation

Usually this stage occurs when living together. Lovers suddenly discover a lot of shortcomings in their chosen one, which are very difficult to put up with. Romance recedes into the background, and relationships move into a phase of peace and routine.

3. Disgust

For many couples, this stage becomes the final one. The novelty of feelings has long since disappeared, and the chemistry of love cannot keep lovers together. They begin to quarrel, all the shortcomings are evident. The problem arises from any little thing; in some cases, the partner is annoying by breathing somewhere nearby. Former lovers are increasingly haunted by thoughts about the wrong choice, so couples break up. Another scenario is accepting your partner with all his shortcomings.

4. Patience

Many wise men believe that patience in a relationship is the first step to true love. But this does not mean that you need to grit your teeth, restrain yourself and endure everything with a constant smile on your face. True patience involves mutual understanding and respect. Partners must learn to accept other people's opinions and not try to radically change each other. Quarrels at this stage become more constructive and less destructive.

5. Dedication

At this stage, the chemistry of love has practically ceased to influence the lovers. They begin to understand that a loved one needs to give their feelings and emotions without expecting payment in return. Only in this case does the partner begin to mirror this behavior, and the couple takes the path of harmonizing relationships.

6. Respect

The connection between lovers moves to a new level; they can feel emotions at a distance and understand each other without words. Everyone already has a certain amount of gratitude for the path we have traveled together.

7. Love

Only now can we say that the couple has reached an understanding of love. They feel each other as one. Pain and joy are always shared by two, otherwise the couple cannot imagine their existence. It is during this period that the body switches to the production of endodiazepines, which turn life together into the only right choice for two specific people.

Of course, after this article you may think that there is nothing magical about love and it has been completely studied. But, fortunately, the chemistry of love cannot explain many manifestations of this feeling. After all, every person is a bright individual, and love has its own unique meaning for everyone.

Ecology of consciousness. Psychology: Many people think that their love arises from “chemistry”. They meet that same person and their hormonal glands suddenly react to him by themselves. I’ll briefly write where this “chemistry” comes from.

Many people think that their love arises from “chemistry”. They meet that same person and their hormonal glands suddenly react to him by themselves. The levels of some hormones increase. And they feel in love. Sexual attraction, euphoria from smell, etc.

Why do the glands react? Maybe they do they recognize their genetic half by themselves?

Maybe, like in a movie about robots, in the human program (in the genetic code) there is a section responsible for identifying one’s other half. As soon as the other half appears, a hormonal boom begins. This is roughly the picture that is painted in the minds of many people.

Where does this “chemistry” come from?

Appears in a person's life someone. His projection (figure) is reflected in the human psychic field (in the most important evolutionary acquisition of Homo sapiens). That is, when we see an object, we recognize it and thereby fit it into a certain comparative series. What is this? This is a chair. So you can sit on it. And this? Dog. Dangerous? No. So you can pet it. That's about it. Seeing a person, we also call him something, determine who he is, and either immediately forget after communication, sending his “case” to the archive until the next contact, or we become attached with our thoughts to him. Sometimes for a long time, after he has disappeared from our sight. In our psychic field his figure is relevant and it is growing, feeding on our attention. The greater the flow of attention, the greater the growth of the figure.

You probably recognized this as a hook. The hook is something that does not allow one to forget a figure when a person has already stopped contacting you in reality.

When the figure grew up and took an important place in the field, it was it causes "chemistry".
Then there is a feedback connection between the “chemistry” and the figure, but it is the figure that is primary. Psyche.

Sometimes the growth of the figure occurs quickly, rapidly. I’ll tell you separately in what cases and why. Sometimes your figure grows quite quickly, and you don’t notice it at all. It seems to you that you think about a person rarely and critically, but in fact his figure is constantly present in your field and is growing. This is explainable from a scientific point of view and is not even parapsychology, it is just psychology, which I am telling you about.

So, when the figure has grown up (and in a poor energy field, where there are few other significant figures, few supports, holes in resources, and most importantly there is no strong figure of the Self, this sometimes happens quickly and spontaneously), “chemistry” begins, that is hormonal storm, which sometimes sweeps a person off his feet.
A person gets the most powerful sensations from the work of the adrenal glands. Cortisol, adrenaline and norepinephrine. All the same hormones are produced when a person encounters an unexpected danger. His heart beats, he is overcome with excitement, his body becomes toned. But since a person does not see a specific danger for himself, he feels dissonance and a slight trance (trance always occurs in response to mental dissonance), that is, mild euphoria and a slightly altered state of consciousness.

Do you understand why danger hormones are produced? A new powerful figure appeared in the field, and if it grew gradually, the storm of hormones does not sweep one off one’s feet, the person adapted gradually, and if love arose unexpectedly, the person can be tossed and tossed from its own "chemistry".

But such a person is usually in no hurry to freeze off, devaluing his figure (sometimes he can’t, and sometimes he feels that he could, but doesn’t want to). He doesn’t see any real danger, and the cocktail of hormones raises the body’s energy tone (sexual, emotional, and physical). That is, a person feels stronger, more cheerful, the colors are brighter, and his breathing is fuller. Energy is life, you remember. And so his energy increases.

By the way, if you want to stabilize your condition a little, remember that cortisol decreases with a large dose vitamin C. 1 g of soluble vitamin C and you will feel better. The energy will not go anywhere, but the veins will stop shaking, and everything in your eyes will not float.
Also norepinephrine perfectly promotes fat burning, since energy is extracted from all bins. This is the valuable effect of falling in love.

It shakes the lover from such chemistry. Then again dopamine connects, the motivation hormone (the meaning of life appears) then endorphin(high), which always comes after adrenaline, then oxytocin(a feeling of closeness and kinship, recognition of “one’s own”, literally “by smell”), and other interesting hormones. It’s even difficult to differentiate them; they work together. That's all love chemistry- this is the body's reaction to grown FIGURE in your psychic field.

People have a complex, very developed psyche, over which we have almost no conscious control (but little by little we strive), so most of the mental processes occur unconsciously (but we try to realize, name and classify in order to cognize and analyze), but it, the psyche, IS and she is very talented, she is capable of very, very much.

This is such a huge plant with the finest equipment, the director of which is always either drunk or wandering somewhere (our consciousness), but sometimes he suddenly breaks down and gives orders, most of them contradictory and strange. The director needs to come to his senses and start studying his enterprise in order to manage it more or less wisely and respectfully. Here "chemistry" is the products of the plant. And our mind is the director. Let's not forget that a head is still a head, right? published