What kind of financial relationships should there be in the family? How to have healthy financial relationships in a family? reasons for family conflicts over money

We will talk specifically about a married couple: husband and wife.
Cohabitants and those who are actively searching do not count !

Should a wife work and earn money on an equal basis with her husband, while running a household and raising children, while the husband only works and helps his wife with the housework according to his personal mood and desire?

“If a woman is a careerist by nature, she must and will work, because this is her nature... But then such a lady should look for a husband so that he does not demand from her clean, ironed shirts, delicious dinners... - or that he knows how to wash everything for himself , cook..., or we hire a nanny for the children and a housekeeper for housekeeping. Otherwise... - clarifying the relationship between dissatisfied spouses, because both are careerists and both do not have time and energy after work for home life..., and at one moment, someone will send someone away through the field and forest... - divorce!

If a woman is by nature a homely family person, but her weakling husband brings in pennies, is a drunk, an Internet gambling addict... - the wife is forced to be torn between work, home, children and her weakling husband, and what is left is for herself. She might be happy to devote herself to her family and home, but need drives her to work... Usually such wives put up with the situation and take it for granted, but if the wife fails to put up with it... - divorce!
Another thing... If the husband is self-sufficient, knows how to support his family, but he has temporary difficulties with earning money, and then the wife temporarily goes to work to help her husband and support the family while he solves his financial problems.

If a woman is by nature a homely family person and at the same time her husband earns a wonderful salary and provides for everyone, then it makes sense for the wife to work if her natural vocation is home and family. Wives love and appreciate such husbands, hold on to them with all their hands and feet, because such people do not lie on the road...

As you can see, all wives, like husbands, are different! Depends on the inner world and personal values ​​of each woman, as well as on how selective and attentive she was when choosing her husband... Do not judge housewives categorically: “I work, that means all wives must work!” - this does not happen. Good housewives, affectionate, attentive, sensitive wives, by the way, are worth their weight in gold, and mostly among wealthy, self-sufficient husbands. Manly “Workhorses” are more loved by weakling husbands and drunkards who cannot provide for their families... Yes, and it’s understandable... - swimming at the expense of their wives’ shoulders is a thrill for such husbands! They are most often sent as wives through the fields and forests...”
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Should a wife have a consumer financial attitude towards her husband, while a woman is not only a financial donor to her husband, but also a spiritual aspect for her husband, I’m talking about ordinary human relationships: care, attention, love, affection, fidelity, humility, where- then to remain silent, to close your eyes somewhere, not to hear somewhere, to let go of the blanket in time - to give in... - the usual wifely qualities...?

My opinion based on personal experience and vision:“Many wives need not a husband, but a wallet” is a popular lament that can be heard from both many men and women... - From what... A small correction: “Many wives need a husband-wallet!” - with this statement I agree... - for the reason that not only I myself want to be provided for at the expense of my husband (not to be a “workhorse” and not to become a man, because my nature is home and family, not a career), but also so that my children do not when you didn’t need anything... And this is only possible with a husband who is a wallet. A weakling husband is not capable of this. I am “FOR” a moneyed man with a strong genome, so that, besides everything, the children are healthy - these are the 2 main principles by which I chose my husband.

Of course, in response to financial well-being from her husband, the wife must provide her husband with ordinary human relationships and home comfort: love, respect, care, attention, devotion, sensitivity... Otherwise, the husband will send the field to the forest... Spouses should be mutual for each other. both donors and acceptors, at the same time: to love each other, take care of each other, feel sorry for each other, stand up for each other, always together - both in sorrow and in joy - complement each other, be one whole.

My husband is aware of my opinion..., and he himself completely agrees with him that the husband should work and provide for the family, because he is the breadwinner, and the wife should run the house, because she is the keeper of the home, and take care of her appearance in order to always be attractive to her husband. It’s similar in his parents’ family: dad supports everyone, mom supports them at home...; with his brothers and sisters, with friends - similarly.

I want to raise my son to be a man like my dad, who grew up as an intelligent, educated and self-sufficient man, with family values, and money will stick to such people - only such a man will be able to provide for his entire family + elderly parents, and when the house is full, everyone at home is well-fed , dressed, warm... then everyone is happy. On a hungry stomach and a cold or an ass, like a victim of children, a weakling husband and what’s left, for yourself... - it’s difficult to be happy, especially if you can’t give your children everything that other parents can give their children, and if You can't look as good as you'd like...

But even at the age of 20, a man shouldn’t start a family! Until the age of 30, a man needs to focus on his studies and career so that when he starts a family, he already has at least some minimum base: an apartment (even a rented one), where he will bring his young wife and how he will support her... This girl can afford to go out for a husband of 20 years old, for a wealthy man, 10 (or more) years older...

You need to give birth to children first of all for yourself, because in the first 5 years of life, children are more attached and dependent on their mother... Well, of course, you need to take into account your husband’s desires to have children and be fulfilled as a father. If a man of 30-35 years old says that he doesn’t want children, and you already see yourself as a mother..., maybe then you should pay attention to another man to start a family!

Well, about divorce... I already wrote that they don’t divorce worthy husbands, they hold on to them with all their hands and feet... They divorce husbands who are weaklings and drunks, Internet gambling addicts... You must initially choose a spouse based on yourself, taking into account your natural desire for a home or to a career, with eyes wide open and ears wide open, and not as is fashionable for many today: in “rose-colored glasses”, because it’s cool in bed - love! It’s for these people that love goes away after marriage... - the “rose-colored glasses” fall off and the sad reality begins.”
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Why do successful men, for the most part, choose younger girls as their wives...?

The opinion of my husband, my male acquaintances, and also based on personal experience and vision:“For the reason that... If we take, for example, an average thirty-year-old lady - who may already be battered by all sorts of things: club life, alcohol, various sexual partners, disappointments in men, abortions, child-abundance, divorces... (of course there are exceptions when a thirty-year-old still manages to preserve herself, but this is rare!) + a bouquet of various diseases: from STIs to age-related ailments... As you know, a man can make a child for any young woman, at any age, even at 100 years old, if she leads a healthy lifestyle , and women have menopause, from which you cannot escape, which (rarely, but it happens - I have a friend, her mother had menopause at the age of 30) can occur at the age of 30... Moreover, after 35 years, as doctors say , with pregnancy there can be all sorts of topologies... Thirty-year-old ladies who have experienced life are worse than young girls (from a prosperous family) at adapting to new conditions, it is more difficult to teach them something, they are less stress-resistant, and even the first wrinkles... A young wife (from a prosperous family) on against the background of her successful husband, she looks more attractive than his woman the same age - as you know, successful men love to brag about their wives to friends and colleagues, because a young wife is a sign of his success and wealth. - I judge by myself and by my husband, his friends... Whatever one may say, most men are pe.do.fi.l.ny (in the good sense of the word) in their own interests, and this is completely normal.

Mine married me... I was 19 years old (before that we had been friends for 5 years, and for the last 2 years we had been dating as a couple), he was 12 years older than me, and was my first. If I were older... I would already be battered by life and other men, and he wouldn’t need me like that anymore. And so... He married young me, adjusted it to suit himself in terms of relationships, preferences and bed games... - I became his ideal, just as he is mine.

And about going for a walk... (many people believe that a girl should have a good time before getting married and try everything in this life) See above! My husband and I always walked and walk together, he always took and takes me to all parties, corporate events... He, alone, does not go anywhere without me. The child was born - the three of us go for walks everywhere... I have never felt any infringement while going for a walk, just like when communicating with friends, and always with my husband. I see the bride for my son as young and pure as I was when I married my son.”

A lot depends on upbringing, on what a child sees in his family when he grows up, what kind of relationship he observes between parents... - this is where certain stereotypes develop in an already matured person, and they are different for each person.
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Your opinion: How did things work out in your family, and how would you like them to work out? Are you satisfied with everything in your family life...?
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P.S.: Slippers please PASS, - I’m removing the personalities and the chicken coop!
In the end - to each his own.

Psychologies: Why is it difficult for even strong couples to discuss money issues?

The question is not as simple as it seems. The topic of money is more taboo than sex. Whoever has money has control, strength and power. Who has b O With more money, he is valued more, and he commands the parade. Therefore, a dispute about finance is actually a dispute about power. Any kind of relationship in a couple (democratic, authoritarian or liberal) will also manifest itself in the topic of money. If there is only one earner and only he has all the information about the state of the balance sheet, he has the reins of power, and he is unlikely to want to give them up. Any attempts by a potential competitor to obtain information will cause a storm of indignation.

Let’s say we are husband and wife, I have all the money, and you say: “We invest together in our family 24 hours a day. Why should I ask you for money for a skirt or a cafe with my friends?”

I will do everything to avoid this topic: I will suddenly need to urgently call somewhere, more important things will come up, or I will offer to talk later because I am tired - “I just got back from work.” A familiar situation, isn't it? But “later” will not happen.

Nobody wants to share power. If you have money, you will do the same, as long as you don’t discuss the financial issue honestly and openly. This is how it works, unfortunately, for most couples. In many families, partners make nest eggs, lie, invent any fables, and in every possible way hide income and expenses, understating or exaggerating them.

But shouldn't there be any secrets from each other at all? If a man knows everything about us, we will become uninteresting to him...

As a rule, couples who avoid open conversations about money also avoid more important topics: intimacy, confidence in a partner and true feelings. Such partners have many “stashes” and secrets from each other in a variety of areas, including sexuality. Often there is little honesty and openness in their lives, and manipulation replaces open dialogue. How many chances does such a couple have for a deep, frank dialogue and an interesting life together?

As soon as a couple begins to openly discuss money matters, many other things in life immediately improve

Men and women come to my trainings who start the conversation with financial claims, and through money they move on to other topics - love, trust or, rather, the lack thereof, a general vision of life, raising children, relationships with parents...

Suddenly it turns out that they do not enjoy sex. By working with the topic of money, they can sometimes uncover deeper issues. As soon as a couple begins to openly discuss money matters, many other things in life immediately improve. After my “Money” training, results in sex are more frequent than after the “Sexuality” training. And vice versa - after the “Money” training, many find suitable sexual partners...

Are there any successful examples? Is everything really so hopeless?

There are couples for whom everything is completely different. My wife and I, for example, keep a joint account to which both cards are linked, and we plan a budget together.

With this arrangement, when there is mutual trust, there is no need for nest eggs and hidden bank accounts are excluded. This can only be achieved by becoming open to each other. But this is not an easy task, perhaps the most significant one is to invest together and build trust in each other, step by step delicately building an atmosphere of security in the house. In such an environment, children grow up mentally stable and healthy. In the future, they have every chance to create open relationships filled with love and trust, following the model of their parents, who showed them this example without words.

YOU HAVE A GOODS – WE HAVE A MERCHANT

In Russia, a woman often hands over the reins: “I’m a girl and I just want a dress.” For some, this is a tribute to tradition: the man hunts the mammoth, and the woman waits at home and keeps the hearth. Now, however, such relationships have transformed into an agreement “I earn money - you take care of your beauty.” But if the couple is happy with everything, what's wrong with that?

Many men and women have commodity-money relations. Only everything is wrapped in bright and distracting wrappers: “We are a beautiful couple”, “We have a strong and successful family”, “I have such a generous man” - so you won’t even guess that one partner is buying both sex and time from the other, and a smile, and housework, and care. Osho once said that marital relations are a type of prostitution, only long-term. Many men in Russia pay money for love. But this is not a true relationship, but a transaction. He brought the spoils - she pays. What if she doesn't want to? Marital duty!

It’s amazing how the wonderful act of sex has been put into a modal form – must, must, must. Who needs this? Debt in bed is a guarantee of impotence for him and frigidity for her. She is a cold fish, he is a flat tire.

In such pairs, each person’s contribution, debit and credit, are constantly weighed and compared. How much did you bring home? How much of this did I spend on myself? If you brought little, there will be no sex today. Even in tandem, where the man formally manages the money, the woman can control him. “Oh, this dress is old (bought two weeks ago), I need a new one.” And try not to buy it. Relationships come down to obvious and hidden manipulations in everything. Money (and its equivalents - gifts, salaries, bonuses) is manipulated not only at home, but also at work. This is the most popular and “advanced” tool for controlling others.

Stayed late at work and didn’t play with the child - home only through a children’s toy store and a jewelry store

Location is bought, live communication is replaced by a monetary equivalent. Forgot about your mother-in-law’s birthday, didn’t give a bouquet - you get a scandal from your wife and a week of “loud” silence (“You don’t only bring flowers to your mother for her birthday!”). I stayed late at work (in the garage, with friends at the bar) and did not play with the child - home only through a children's toy store and a jewelry salon (or at least a flower shop). Paying off is cheaper than communicating.

Gadgets especially help in this matter: at dinner, everyone is buried in their smartphone - and there is no need to talk about feelings. Or you gave your daughter a tablet - and you are free, you don’t have to play with her, talk, show emotions, help with homework and solve her children’s problems. So the child learns the lesson of isolation and will carry this banner further along the stage.

And if the wife asks, but the husband does not give money... She is offended! But in no case does she show it, so much so that everyone in the city knows that she is offended by him. She will not prepare food for him until he asks ten times. Or he will put the plate on the table so “quietly” that the neighbors will wake up. Or maybe she’ll cook it, but won’t sit with him (“I’m not hungry”), but as soon as he finishes, he’ll defiantly serve it for himself. Even more convincing is to remain expressively silent the entire evening.

We communicate not with text, but with subtext. The text is just the tip of the iceberg.

If such a relationship lasts for years, then maybe it’s not worth stirring up the hive? What if everything just gets worse?

It will be worse if you don't stir. And how could it be worse? There's nothing to lose! And to sit until you die at a broken trough... well, that’s a personal matter! Few people dare to cut this Gordian knot and turn to a specialist to work on their relationship. Most couples live like this for years, and then are perplexed that they do not have common interests, conversations, that they relax separately and often solve problems that inevitably manifest themselves in such a couple, through alcohol abuse, drug abuse or illness.

Partners come to trainings and to a psychotherapist when they are “locked in,” when the situation is critical and they need to save themselves, their health, and, which is rare, but fortunately it happens, their family. There is no longer a family as such - there is only a semblance of it, a ghost!

I often hear from clients: “I think I’m on the edge, just a little longer and I’ll die.” But you can avoid this if you are in open contact with each other, talk honestly and openly about your feelings.

INFERIORITY COMPLEX AND DEFICIT THINKING

Not always both people in a couple are ready to go to a specialist. Moreover: a partner who has begun working with a psychotherapist often encounters resistance from the other. In addition, the services of a psychologist are not cheap. Can one partner, working on himself, change the situation in a couple?

During trainings, I often come across the fact that people do not value themselves. And my task is to teach them to love themselves, to talk about their virtues and advantages, and not to devalue their own actions and themselves as a person as a whole. Such a person will be resistant to manipulation. Self-perception as a worthy person affects all areas. But financially – first of all.

How does a person’s relationship with money manifest itself in other areas of his life?

Over 36 years of working as a coach and psychologist, more than 100 thousand people from different countries have passed through my hands. Many people live in the “I’m not worthy of an expensive car or a big house” paradigm, even if they have money. People are not used to declaring their strengths, so they are more accustomed to criticizing themselves and others than expressing recognition and giving positive feedback. And when we begin to find out where this belief “I am not worthy” grows from, it turns out that this was accepted in the environment, in the family, that in the history of the family there were cases of dispossession or theft of wealth out of envy. Such people think in deficit. They are deficient in emotions, in bed, in spending time, money and attention on themselves and loved ones.

Do you want to know what your new acquaintance will be like in bed and in a relationship? Watch him shop. Stingy at a restaurant? Most likely, he will be “stingy” in sex, not giving enough passion and pleasure.

He created a scenario according to which he bought a partner: her smile, her body, the fact that she was sitting at the same table with him

There is another extreme: to show off your wealth at every corner. As a rule, an inferiority complex forces men to draw attention to external signs of success. Knowing this, women can easily manipulate them. A couple came to one of my trainings. He was a rich man, and in order to prove to himself that he was a man, he had to constantly demonstrate his financial capabilities and prove his worth to her.

What is she? “You drive a Mercedes, but I need a Jaguar,” she said. He went and bought her a Jaguar on credit. Their relationship was built on this. He equipped the kitchen for $300,000 (in Russia!). What can you do in the kitchen with this money and, most importantly, why? Unfortunately, he did not want to realize that he was being manipulated.

In the end, he lost everything. Finding himself without money, she no longer needed him, she kicked him out. When he came to me for the second time, he was working as a taxi driver. I wasn't surprised. Now he has improved his position, but not to his original position. Why did it happen? He created a scenario according to which he bought a partner: her smile, her body, the fact that she was sitting at the same table with him. She was there for the money. Only he didn't realize it. Or rather, he didn’t want to realize it.

PROVIDER OR INTERLOCER?

There is a saying: happiness is not in money, but in its quantity. This is, of course, a joke, but how do money and its quantity influence the choice of a partner?

There is a stereotype: women choose the rich. It is really important for a woman to have a provider next to her. But not all ladies need palaces and castles. For most women, it is enough for her to have enough money so that she does not feel anxious, so that she and her children are well-fed, clothed, have the opportunity to develop, and can get an education. It is not enough for her to simply bear and give birth to a child; it is important for her to understand that his and her basic needs will be met. That's why many women pay attention to how a man treats money. For her, this is an indicator of how she and her offspring will be provided for. If a man is a spender, do not think that he will improve after the wedding. Everything will only get worse.

For some women, muscles seem to be an indicator of a breadwinner. But, alas, this does not always correspond to the “inner content” of a strong body. Strong and muscular does not mean a financially reliable person.

Many women, in addition to financial stability, need a friend with whom they can talk. Men don't always understand this. If they want to win a modern woman, they will have to learn to talk, and not silently shower their companion with expensive gifts. Here is a typical dialogue between a man and a woman.

- How are you?

- I bought a drill.

- What are you dreaming about?

– Buy another drill.

A man who has a sense of humor, can dance and talk is unlikely to have problems finding a lifelong girlfriend, even if he is not a financial tycoon. A modern earner must be creative, listen well, and respond comprehensively. There is an Odessa joke about sex with two people: “Why does Sarah need two men? When the first one falls asleep, you can talk to the other one.” And it is true. A woman needs a partner-interlocutor.

With a sweetheart in heaven and in a hut? But this is the other extreme.

Yes, I agree. Women do not like the poor and stingy. What is important for them is the opportunity to dress beautifully (not necessarily expensively, but beautifully), buy cosmetics and please their man. In general, a woman wants to be liked by others, to look young, healthy and attractive. And that's okay.

Men who don’t understand this have a lot of conflicts with their partners. I had a friend who was sure that there was no need to spend money. That is, there is no need at all - neither for yourself nor for your wife. At the same time, he was 38 years old, she was 18. She had one dress, one trousers. He complained that she always wanted to buy something for herself. I told him that he wanted to like her, and he replied that he liked her anyway. Guess what ended up happening? She left him, far away, to another country, and she did the right thing. But he remained “right”, true to his ideals – and alone.

What am I without a suit, car and wallet? Can I talk without money?

Men, as a rule, are undemanding in clothing. The vast majority of them have a minimal set of suits, shirts, and shoes (except, perhaps, for representatives of creative professions). Men are polygamous. A smart woman knows that she needs to change her appearance more often, buy underwear, because in the eyes of a man this makes her a different woman. And this requires money. And a woman is just calmer when her man doesn’t change. Has changed - an alarm signal: why, for whom?

How to avoid such hidden and overt conflicts in a couple?

Communicate. We communicate always and everywhere, but we don’t use money everywhere. I go out and it doesn't cost me a penny. I build relationships with everything around me – with the field, trees, river. With myself. With people. We swagger and believe that if we have the most expensive car and suit, then we will communicate well and people will be drawn to us. But that's not true.

What am I without a suit, car and wallet? Can I talk without money - without this intermediary that hides my true “I” and needs? How attentive are you to your partner's needs?

This is worth thinking about. If we truly communicate, especially at the very beginning of our acquaintance, we will avoid further disappointments and unjustified expectations.

About the expert

– trainer with 36 years of experience. Expressive psychotherapist, artist, director, author of the books “From Love to Hate... and Back”, “Sold!” and “Open the window.” Creator Training center Marika Khazina.

Money is one of main causes of marital conflicts, say psychologists. Save or spend? Where to invest? How to manage a family budget? Should you give your salary to the “common pot” or open a separate bank account? Everyone faces these questions.

Family budget – together or separately

Form maintaining a family budget can tell a lot about the relationship in a couple. For some, only a “common pot” can be acceptable, when people contribute equally towards common needs, someone wants to earn and spend without being interested in the opinion of the other half, someone sincerely believes that everything earned by a spouse is common, and “ what’s mine is mine.”

Psychologists are sure that about 70% of conflicts occur due to improper distribution of finances within the family. What method of managing money can be considered optimal? Artem Tolokonin, psychologist, candidate of medical sciences, general director of the Neo Vita clinic, is sure that family money should be shared:

“This doesn’t mean that they lie on the nightstand at home and every family member knows how many there are. Bank accounts can formally be separate, and this also includes the business of one of the spouses. But everything that is earned rightfully belongs to both. And the money is distributed collectively within the family. Maintaining different accounts to which one of the spouses does not have access sooner or later leads to problems in the family.

Separate budgeting and savings for a rainy day indicate that people do not trust each other. This situation is a ticking time bomb. Both spouses should be aware of family income and expenses, which is the key and proof of a strong relationship, since one of the functions of money is precisely the measure of the relationship. If my wife doesn’t know how much I earn and doesn’t have the right to manage this money, then the attitude towards her is appropriate.”

“No family has ever achieved anything good living on a separate budget. A family means common children, goals and values; first of all, it is a community. Ideally, every family member should feel involved in financial decisions. At the family council, you should decide how much personal money the spouses will keep for themselves (10-15% of their salary), in order to avoid “nest eggs” and hiding income.”

But Anna Kartashova, head of the Psychological Center on Volkhonka, is not so categorical. In her opinion, each family has its own way of budgeting.

All people are different - the attitude towards money depends on upbringing, education, income level, ideas about life together. For the sake of successful family relationships, two people, often with opposing points of view, must find a compromise.

“The budget is a personal matter for the family,” says Anna. - You don’t ask me: “What color should the wallpaper be in the kitchen?” It depends on the taste and desire of the owners.”

True, Anna notes that families who put money into a “common pot” to pay for the apartment, utilities, food, and children’s education, and spend the rest at their own discretion, rarely have conflicts over finances.

Vladimir Savenok, financial consultant, general director of the consulting group “Personal Capital”, author of several books on financial management, also admits that the ways of building financial relationships in a family can be different, although, in his opinion, relationships are correct when all financial decisions are adopted jointly and the family maintains a joint budget.

However, in his practice, he repeatedly encountered situations where spouses did not really trust each other and therefore were inclined to maintain a separate budget.

“Imagine a family consisting of a woman, her husband and a child from her first marriage,” he says. - Most family income(70-80%) is brought by a woman who works as an entrepreneur. The husband is a minor civil servant who does not want to change anything in his life and hopes for a state pension. The apartment in which the family lives also belongs to the woman. It is obvious that she first of all wants to protect herself and her child, so she makes the main financial decisions herself.

She and her husband have completely different goals, and therefore their views on income, expenses and investing also differ. Since people are already adults, it is too late to talk about anyone changing their attitude towards life. And in such a situation, it is wiser to manage the family budget separately. And it is also obvious that if spouses have common goals and an understanding of how to achieve them, the budget should be the same.”

3 types of family budget

Joint "Shared wallet"

When all the money earned by family members is added together, and then at a general council a decision is made on how to spend it.

pros. A feeling of true unity “in both sorrow and joy.”

Minuses. Lack of personal money, habit of making nest eggs.

Shared budget

When spouses chip in to pay for an apartment, utilities, children’s education and other general needs, and manage the rest of the funds at their own discretion.

pros. Common goals and interests that bind any union, and at the same time maintaining financial independence.

Minuses. It only works if the difference in wages between spouses is insignificant.

Separate “Western” style of financial management

Everyone spends what they earn themselves, without getting into their partner’s wallet.

pros. No need to account for your expenses.

Minuses. Loss of family unity.

Managing a family budget is the burden of an alpha leader

Who in the family should be responsible for maintaining the budget? In the traditional patriarchal model of relationships, when the main breadwinner is the man, and the woman is involved in raising children and running the household, responsibility for the financial well-being of the family rests with the man. It is he who decides where to invest the money, how to distribute it, what share to allocate to his wife for home improvement, etc.

True, it is difficult for a businessman who arrives home from work long after midnight and is accustomed to living in chronic time pressure due to business trips, negotiations and business meetings to be aware of all family needs - he has no time to hire a new tutor for a child or buy groceries for a friendly party.

There are also directly opposite situations when the blanket of the alpha leader is pulled over by a woman who manages to earn more than her husband and instead of “kinder, küche, kirche” (the German formula for a housewife - children, kitchen, church) strives for career growth and social fulfillment.

Experts believe that Budgeting should be done together. There is a certain income, and how to manage it can be decided within the family. If a man is technically savvy, he can choose cars or televisions. But global decisions about whether to renovate and what the apartment should look like should be made together.

“If people are independent, as a rule, the two of them are responsible for the family budget,” notes Anna Kartashova.

Physiology or psychology

Money is a litmus test that shows how strong people's relationships are.

“If they are built correctly, that is, there is a family budget, trust, and mutual understanding, no one has any prejudices about this,” says psychologist Artem Tolokonin. - And if spouses have separate accounts and different understandings of how to spend money, this is not a family, but temporary communication, which subsequently turns into pathology. This makes it difficult to have children.

Now I am treating a famous woman, the editor-in-chief of a glossy magazine. She is used to a separate budget: she spends what she earns. This subconsciously blocks the desire to have children. Spouses are not protected, but pregnancy does not occur. There is such a disease as psychological infertility. If there is no internal trust, nothing happens. If you correct this field (and here the first point is finance), you’ll see that your physiology will improve.”

Distrust of a partner and reluctance to share one's income inevitably leads to conflicts, provokes scandals and stressful situations.

“I mainly work with wealthy people and, analyzing family tragedies, I came to the conclusion that most betrayals happen in families where a trusting joint budget has not been built,” says Artem Tolokonin. - The woman only imagined in the most general terms what the man was doing. Many financial transactions were carried out in secret from the spouse - an indicator that there is truly no trust. When he started his business, his wife was the muse, the icon who inspired him to make all this money. And then, with the advent of new opportunities, it begins to seem to him that everything is allowed: he can buy a relationship, put a woman on a gold chain and feel like the ruler of the world.”

To avoid such a situation, a woman should agree with her potential spouse on joint budget management before marriage.

In turn, men, who are the only source of income for the family, believe that they are not obliged to help their wives with housework. A woman wants an always busy man to show her attention in this way, but he considers such requests to be unfair. However, this is not the only way in which a man can demonstrate his desire to save his family.

“You can give attention in some other form. When a similar case happened in my practice, the conflict was resolved by the fact that the man, instead of helping around the house, agreed to invite his wife to a restaurant more often, which he himself loved very much, and this freed her from cooking,” Anna Kartashova gives an example.

Family budget without hysteria

“Statement of complaints will lead to nothing, especially when it is done by people driven to despair,” says Artem Tolokonin. - They are easy to manipulate. Hysteria is a weak position. A woman in such a state simply does not realize what she is saying.”

It is possible to reach a compromise only in a systematic working mode. But a person must be psychologically prepared for changes, to stop playing old family games. Only then can you calmly defend your own rights. You shouldn’t expect the conflict to resolve on its own; it’s better to contact a specialist.

According to Artem, it’s worth working with such a family - and after a year it’s already a strong family relationship. When people have developed their basic values, conflicts do not arise; everything is resolved by compromise.

“We should try not to reproach each other, but to come to an agreement, to find out what, in your opinion, the injustice is,” advises Anna Kartashova. - For example, in a family there are situations when one wants to save, and the other wants to spend. But stinginess and squandering are relative concepts. Is it a waste of money to buy a second demi-season jacket? Some will say yes. And some people think that there should be at least four of them. We need to discuss ideas about what spending is, and try to develop the same view of things. If the partners come to a common point of view, the issue will disappear by itself.”

With proper elaboration, a person prone to hoarding will begin to worry less about the future, trust his partner more, buy what he needs and want, and the “spender” will begin to calmly relate to the need to save money for the future. In general, if there is love, balance can always be found. Even when it comes to “slippery” money issues.

“I do not agree with the statement that money is the main enemy of love relationships,” says Artem Tolokonin. - They spoil those who do not know how to handle them. In fact, money helps develop relationships. It is not for nothing that the word “wealth” contains the word “god”. Money is a blessing that you need to know how to use, not an enemy, but a helper. This is the case with alcohol, which in small doses can help a person relax a little, but in slightly larger doses, if used in the wrong way, can poison the body.”

Think about the future

To avoid financial conflicts in the family, you can together determine in advance your expenses for the week, month and even year. Use deposits and savings insurance as tools for long-term planning (for retirement, education of children). Agree on what percentage of your salary you will save for the future and just stick to it.

If you want to save your marriage, talk about money. Creating a healthy financial relationship when two people join their lives takes effort. Do you have conversations about money with your significant other or someone special to you? Many people are ready to talk about anything but money, although money is the No. 1 reason and driving force in about 90% of divorces. If you're still single, are you ready to talk about money? Now is the time to start preparing for this. If you have disagreements about finances before you walk down the aisle, they won't magically go away after you say "I do." On the contrary, the number of problems will increase.

Why teach spouses to talk about money? We all grew up in different environments, in different homes, and perhaps under different circumstances. Money also has different meanings for each of us. Someone can be a spender, someone can be a modest and thrifty person. And then we enter relationships with different values ​​in life, different beliefs, habits and goals towards money, and hope that we can maintain a healthy financial relationship without putting in much effort.

To build a healthy financial relationship, a couple must first communicate honestly and openly. Find at least one financial goal that you can agree on and work together to achieve it. It could be a vacation, a holiday gift, a home. Try to make both spouses win in this situation. This is not the time to say, “All or nothing.” If your relationships are the most important part of your life, then you will strive for commonality of views, you will look for ways to compromise and consensus. There is nothing right or wrong, as long as it works for both of you as a team. By working as a team, you can begin to build healthy financial relationships together.

Build healthy financial relationships in 4 steps:

1. Start a conversation at a neutral time (that is, not when they saw an overdue invoice for payment). Just say, “We need to talk about our future, how we can work together to achieve our goals.” Choose a day and time and start talking.
2. Decide on the setting for the conversation. No entertainment. Go for a walk; sit on the porch. Hire a babysitter for your child and turn off all devices - TV, telephone. Focus all your attention on the upcoming conversation. You need an environment of trust. Listen carefully. Live everything that is said; try to understand your partner. If something is not clear to you, ask questions.
3. Choose a topic to talk about. If this is your first such conversation (fortunately, not the last), you can mention all your goals, all your dreams and desires. The main thing is honesty. Don't try to hide the fact that you want to buy your own home or prefer to rent. You might want to talk about how much money you've invested in home improvement. These topics will help you understand your partner and lay the foundation for moving forward towards financial health. Over time, you will choose one goal to work on together, aiming for the greatest possible return.
4. Set a date for your next meeting, preferably once a week, and keep the spirit up! This is just the beginning. In subsequent conversations, you can choose a family “accountant,” create a budget, manage debt, manage bank accounts, request and review credit reports, and review and record new goals.

The main rule of healthy finances: NO secrets and NO surprises, this also applies to debts. How would you feel if, after you find your dream home and apply for a mortgage, your partner's credit history is weighed down by unpaid bills that could affect your ability to pay the mortgage?

Painful questions:

All of the above led me to think about two painful questions; both could be great topics for future conversations. The main thing is to have time to discuss the issue before it develops into a problem.

• The first painful issue is debt. Debt is the problem that causes fights in the first place. If you get married, then the debt of one or each of you becomes a common debt. Together, develop a plan to quickly pay off your debt without merging accounts. However, even if you keep money in separate accounts, the debt can affect your ability to secure a joint loan. If you are not yet married, consider the prenuptial agreement I mentioned. If you are building a life together, burdened with debt, first of all, discuss all the details and make sure that you really agree to take this step.
• Another painful issue that I would like to mention concerns bank accounts. For example, do you want to have separate bank accounts, one account, or both? Many newlyweds have to face this problem. Give yourself time to think; there is no need to do everything rashly. The main thing is that the solution you settle on, no matter what you choose, is suitable for both of you. How you manage your money should reflect your mutual goals and priorities, which you have previously discussed.

Proper communication is the key to a long life together and a healthy financial atmosphere in the family. By listening, compromising, and putting your plans into action, you are laying the foundation for a prosperous financial future. If something is hindering your ability to communicate with each other, you may want to see a therapist or marriage coach. Working together to establish a healthy financial climate in the family, you are laying the foundations for shared financial well-being.

Turn your relationship into a real source of inspiration and enjoy it to the fullest! As quickly as possible, using effective psychological techniques. Participate in the course "". Within a day of introducing these techniques into your life, you will be able to see how family relationships become truly harmonious. Connect!

• What exactly do they reflect? financial relations paired with?
• Is this really the most visible catalyst for a deeper level of human relationships?
• How to find the golden mean between “taking” and “giving”, because any relationship is primarily an exchange?
• what happens when woman by her behavior conveys an advantage in the direction of “taking”, in fact forcing the man to continuously give her gifts and satisfy her desires?
• And vice versa, when we give a lot, what does this advantage mean for our partner? Why often does a man leave after receiving more than he bargained for?
• And most importantly, how to move from one form of relationship to another in practice?
• When do we realize our mistakes in past behavior patterns and want to correct them?

Of course, life examples and situations are very different. And, of course, there is not and cannot be a single universal recipe for behavior for all couples - human behavior is too multifaceted, and quite a lot of factors should be taken into account in order to really see the situation holistically and comprehensively. However, general trends in women's mistakes are still clearly visible. Which ones do you think are the most common?
Well, here they are:
- a woman internally considers herself a man,
- the woman seeks to control his actions (i.e. does not trust him),
- a woman wants to satisfy her desires, but in fact she tries to do it herself, simply acting with the hands of a man. Most often - without realizing it.
Yes, it is difficult to get rid of the belief “I am smarter” (stronger, independent) if a woman was raised in such a way that she actually played a leading role in her family. But this is essentially the only way to harmonize relationships - to give a man the opportunity to act on his own, male, territory. Retreat to your own, feminine place, placing him above yourself in perception. Leave it to him role a breadwinner, a conqueror (not only of money, but also of herself). Only then, truly feeling your attitude, will he be able to begin to show himself courageously.
The slightest internal falsity will nullify all your efforts. Just as it is impossible to be half pregnant, it is impossible to partially trust your man internally. You either cancel your Self in front of him or you don’t. And he responds or feels your need in care and guardianship, or feels that your demonstration of weakness is just a game, and there is simply no need for him to take on the function of a strong man if his woman does not need it.
In fact, we are talking here about a woman’s work on herself in the fear zone. To better understand this topic, ask yourself:

1. What will happen if I trust my man?
2. Why should I feel stronger?
3. What am I afraid of and what am I hiding?
4. What other tasks do I solve in parallel?
5. How can I inspire my man to increase his income?
6. What does he expect from me?
7. Why does it happen that a man “rises” due to the support of one woman, and then finds another?

Most often, the problems themselves come to the surface when the question is posed correctly. And in one case, this question allows the situation to develop, and in another, it stops and slows it down.
When our relationship- a veiled game in a shadow theater, and when - sincere respect for oneself and the other, recognition of one’s role in a couple and helping the other in his self-realization? In our classes, we strive to gain a deeper understanding of these issues and discuss how to convey our desires to a man. Which words “grow” into his action, and which remain an empty phrase. How to support wish men give, and what kills him. How to consistently act so that someone who has never given before starts giving, and how to distinguish when we want a gift and when we are trying to solve our problems with the help of a man? How to learn not to pretend, not to try to play a new role for yourself, but to deeply and seriously rethink your attitude towards your partner, to inspire him to develop. Keep on your toes, remaining a mystery, and at the same time convey reliability...
There is nothing in this life that really cannot be changed. All our life– it is, first of all, change and movement. The most ingrained attitudes of a man gradually change, as soon as a woman begins to change internally. This has actually been tested in practice many times.
I would be glad if, after thinking about these questions, you find new, important and unexpected answers for yourself. Love sincerely and be sincerely, consciously and deeply happy in your relationships!