The husband is a psychological tyrant. How to deal with a domestic tyrant: domestication or divorce

Many women present family life as an idyll from the cover of a glossy magazine. The long-awaited passes, but the reality turns out to be angrier and more prosaic.

The prince and ally gradually turns into a tyrant who sets the boundaries of your freedom. Relationships are becoming more painful every day and the question “how to get rid of a tyrant husband?” more and more clearly looms on the horizon.

A happy family is the dream of many

The strategy that tyrannical husbands use to suppress the will of the victim is simple to the point of impossibility. They are trying to impose their values ​​and attitudes, to replace your opinion with their own.

Naturally, when your opinion is devalued, you lose confidence in yourself and become vulnerable to any suggestion from the outside. If you often hear such phrases from your husband, then it's time to think about further relationships:

• You know nothing;
• I'll tell you how to do it better;
• Nobody asked you;
• The husband knows better;
• It is your fault.

A tyrant man will do everything possible to make his wife feel vulnerable. Manipulation through guilt has a special place in the arsenal of psychological sadism. The sadist hands over to his victim the responsibility for all events occurring in marriage and, sometimes, even beyond it.

In case of the slightest discrepancy between expectations and reality, the woman is always guilty. Sometimes such a man can deliberately provoke conflict situations with one goal - to blame his wife.

In order to get rid of a tyrant husband, you must realize yourself as a whole person with your desires and interests. Before you do something on the recommendation of your beloved husband, ask yourself if you want to do it and what benefits will you get?

Taking care of your needs will be the first step towards getting rid of tyranny. If you are in doubt whether to leave a bad husband or not, then honestly answer the following questions:

1. What do I get from this marriage?
2. What has my husband done for our happiness?
3. Do I feel good around him?
4. When was the last time I wasn't afraid of my own husband?

To get rid of the surging doubts, write down the answers on a piece of paper. And reread them every time you want to forgive him.

This is not love

A husband should not oppress his woman!

The catchphrase says that "the road to hell is paved with good intentions", tyrants often unconsciously adopt it. They justify their cruelty and lust for power with "love."

Beats, then loves - thinks another victim of codependency and continues to be involved in destructive relationships.

Enough to indulge yourself with illusions, a loving man will never apply both physical and psychological violence to his woman. Love is, first of all, caring for the needs of another, and a tyrannical husband is guided by the principles of selfishness.

In fact, all his actions are aimed at improving his own well-being, and this is another reason to leave his tyrant husband.

Only a mature and self-sufficient person is able to build a situation of love and harmonious relationships. And tyrants do not have such qualities, because they are vulnerable and superficial people. For a tyrant, your relationship is just a game, and he is preparing to make his next move. Do not turn your life into a chess field, so you will never achieve happiness and peace.

With an eye on the crowd

Raising a hand against a woman is a weakness of a man!

After thinking for a couple of minutes, you will surely remember several everyday examples of domestic tyranny.

It is likely that your acquaintances still live in such traumatic relationships and stoically endure any moral bullying.

No need to look back at someone else's life and think that this behavior is normal for all men.

Domestic violence thrives on misconceptions about its normality. In some families, a man can be the main one, but never the accuser, judge and executioner all rolled into one.

The role of the family leader does not involve bullying the victim with impunity in any of the philosophical or religious concepts.

Obstacles on the way to the goal

The desire to get rid of a tyrant husband is half the trouble. Often these thoughts remain somewhere in the space of other desires, along with the dream of a new fur coat and a trip to warmer climes.

You perfectly understand that you will never fulfill your plan, but the very presence of such a desire gives you a good moral justification in front of your own conscience. Of course, you do not continue to be inactive, you wanted to leave and will definitely take the first step at the right time.

If you really want to end a traumatic relationship, then self-deception is not the best strategy to solve the problem. A woman accustomed to being the victim begins to come up with excuses for her tormentor.

Keeping the family together with the tyrant, you become a hostage to your desire to live with a strong man. The strength of a tyrant is as mythical as your family happiness.

Self-affirmation at the expense of a woman is a weakness for a successful and confident man.

happy ending

Finding a compromise is not always possible.

One of the main female mistakes is an attempt to compromise. It seems to you that you will change the despot with long persuasion, caresses, tears, or invent other, more reliable ways.

Negotiating with your tormentor can take years, during which you will suffer from tyranny. Unfortunately, half measures are not limited here.

You will not be able to influence your husband in any way, because he is an adult. There are already standards and behaviors in his head that he will not give up for you. After all, if he wanted to hear from you, he would have done it a long time ago, before the issue of a breakup came up.

It is possible that his behavior is the cause of the abuse that he experienced himself. But you are not a psychotherapist and you need to improve your life, so the solution is obvious - divorce.

Tyrants are actually afraid of divorce, because then the victim will disappear from view. Hearing a proposal for a divorce, your domestic tyrant will begin to beg for forgiveness, shower you with gifts and the most unthinkable promises.

Your direct task is not to be led to provocations and not to believe the words. If you forgive your spouse, then later this incident will be blamed on you, opening up a new field for manipulation opportunities.

Getting rid of a tyrant husband will give you confidence in your own strength and give you new opportunities. Feeling your own freedom, you will reveal the natural potential and begin to live the way you really want it. Freedom to be yourself is the main reward for getting rid of domestic tyranny.

If the guy is a tyrant, what should I do and can I change him? The answers are in the video:

In contact with

A constant feeling of oppression and humiliation, you account for every step, a limited circle of contacts and the time allotted for it.

If you recognize yourself in these signs, your husband may be a tyrant. How to make sure of this and what to do if it's true, we'll talk today in the article.

How to recognize a tyrant

Before drawing conclusions, it is worth familiarizing yourself with the signs that indicate that your husband is a person with tyrannical inclinations.

There are many such indicators, but I tried to highlight the common ones:

• Controls the family. A man decides where you work, which kindergarten or school the children go to, what the family does in their free time, how to spend the day off with the child. He makes decisions himself, "without snotty ones";
• Firmly confident in authority in the family, therefore he constantly points to your, female place;
• Controls important areas - registration of property, disposal of financial resources, storage of documents;
• Puts in a position dependent on him in all plans. Can persuade you to quit your job to gain financial control;
• She constantly criticizes: she didn’t make up like that, she dressed, she cooked tasteless soup, she didn’t clean well;
• Brazenly offends with obscene words or plays an evil joke on you;
• Always blames. For example, if he knocked over a plate, then you are a cross-handed, put it wrong;
• It focuses on what you would do without him, who needs him besides him, no one will like such a stupid woman. This is done to lower a woman's self-esteem, or rather to suppress it;
• He raises his hand, justifying it with your guilt. He says that they themselves pissed him off, with wrong behavior;
• Enjoys your tears and tantrums. After them softens and looks satisfied;
• Often tyrants abuse alcohol and in a state of intoxication, all negative inclinations are more pronounced;
• Suffering from manic. Jealous of every pillar;
• He does not tolerate your successes, achievements, development. Declares that it is not so important, and why do you need it;
• He doesn't ask, he doesn't apologize, he doesn't make excuses. He only orders, shuts his mouth, and his argument is “because I said so”;
• You are afraid of him, try not to fall under a hot hand, to guess in what mood he will return home.

The presence of one or more signs, to a greater or lesser extent, indicates the presence of a tyrannical inclination. If you are waiting in fear for his return home, then the tyrant is a diagnosis, an accomplished fact, and when his awareness has come, you will have to decide how to live with it.

How events develop

Life stories testify that the outcome of life in a family where the husband and father is a tyrant is sad. A woman who is constantly in a stressful situation gets used to the role of a victim and puts up with an unacceptable attitude towards herself. He is afraid to open his mouth, to say in response, which means that he is simply humbly waiting for old age. This is at best, because when despotism takes on a physical color and is manifested by assault, then you can expect worse results.

Children in such a family grow up either downtrodden and silent - they are without psychological, and sometimes psychiatric help, unable to let their personality manifest itself, or rebels who seek to quickly escape from the despot's house, and sometimes take revenge on him.

The second scenario is that a woman will break out from under the pressure of a tyrant, saving her life and the life of her own children, while getting a chance for a normal life, happiness, normal relationships. Naturally, this outcome is preferable for every lady, but according to the victim, it is not always real.

Why a woman suffers - the opinion of a psychologist

It is clear that it is impossible to live normally with a tyrant, that this is not life, and so on. Nevertheless, I am sure that among the women reading this article, there are those who live with the despot for more than ten years, patiently enduring humiliation.

The first reason: the psychological factor of getting used to the role of the victim. The lady already subconsciously enjoys the absence of the need to make decisions and even constant punishments with subsequent reconciliations. If a girl's parental family has the same relationship pattern, tyranny is likely to flourish in her own family.

With the advent of a child, the situation often becomes more complicated. The lady who cares for the baby is not able to provide for herself and him on her own, and therefore, the truth cannot do without the help of a despot. Often, she is simply afraid of physical or moral violence, as she is very intimidated.

One of the common reasons is too much love for a tyrant. The wife constantly justifies her husband, considers herself guilty, hopes to change him. Here it is already worth talking not just about naivety, but even about psychological disorders in both spouses, since such an attitude to the current situation can hardly be called adequate.

How to protect yourself from a tyrant husband

First, let's discuss how to prevent tyranny in your own family. For this, it is worth building relationships correctly, making the right choice when you find yourself a life partner. The desire to control every step, style of dress, contacts and telephone conversations should alert you at the meeting stage, and sometimes even cause a break in such relationships.

If the first signs appear when there is already a stamp in the passport, stop attempts to control, pressure, and humiliate. Remember ladies, a tyrant is a coward who asserts himself at the expense of others. If you stop manners from the very beginning, then he may simply stop trying to assure himself of his own importance at your expense.

If the situation gets worse and everything continues, then you should think about what to do so that the tyrant leaves himself. But this is not the right approach, because if he groped for a weakness, he would not “get off” from the victim’s neck on his own. You will have to reset it yourself, and with a loud bang.

The first method is to declare the intention to divorce. This method is recommended only if there is no physical violence in the family, since the reaction of a man to such a statement is not predictable. Following the advice of psychologists, it is worth preparing the ground for retreat - inform your loved ones about problems, find temporary housing, get a job. This is necessary so that you do not succumb to his arguments about the insignificance of your position and lack of perspective.

If you want to leave, but are afraid of physical violence, you should get the support of loved ones, relatives, friends and law enforcement agencies. If possible, move. I know that it is hard to do what is easy to say, but even if you are alone in the city, there are special centers that will not only give you a roof over your head, but will protect and even help defend your rights.

It is important to simply muster up the courage, and then take a step towards change.

Some husbands categorically do not give a divorce to a woman, purely out of perseverance, having lost an object for humiliation. In this case, the lawyer will tell you how to get a divorce. Don't let this word scare you. In the centers of assistance to women who have suffered from domestic violence, such consultations, as well as legal assistance, are provided free of charge.

There are situations when a lady understands the seriousness of her situation, but is afraid to do something, because of her own conviction that nothing will work out. Here it is worth consulting a psychologist. If funds are limited, again, help and support centers will help.

If you endure for the sake of the child, then I guarantee that no child will thank his mother for enduring beatings and humiliation. Especially if, after contemplating such paintings, until the age of twenty, he will periodically be written at night.

To those desperate ladies whose heart burns with love, eager to find an approach that can change the tyrant, I want to say not to cherish vain hopes. Men don't get better with age. Nothing will change, but the tendency to aggravate violence is present in such families. Better save yourself before things go too far.

Dear readers, I understand that this article may seem gloomy and angry. I apologize for the way I express my thoughts. It’s just that we should not only understand, but realize and accept the fact that everyone has one life, there will be no chance to live it differently, and therefore we need to make it happy, bright and joyful now. And, in all possible ways.

The tyranny of a husband in the family and domestic violence is, alas, a common situation these days, and not only in our country. A tyrant man behaves imperiously with his wife, does not consider her opinion and needs, insists on his right to determine and control her life, devalues, criticizes, humiliates, can beat ... Unfortunately, in those families where both spouses are believers, the wife also not immune from domestic violence.

Svetlana Morozova, author of Silent Tears. A book for those who want to get rid of pressure and tension in the family, works as a psychologist at the Sisters Center, a non-profit center for helping people who have experienced violence, and knows firsthand about the problem. We have already published Svetlana on Matrons, and today we are publishing her interview.

Svetlana Morozova

Svetlana, I want to thank you again for your book: such a clear and detailed analysis of the topic of domestic violence, competent recommendations to women who have suffered from it and their environment is, of course, an event.

Let's make it clear again: psychologists consider recurrent conflicts between husband and wife, two living and imperfect people, to be the norm. How then to distinguish where is the norm of family life, and where we are talking about domestic violence? It is clear that beatings are 100% violence, but how to recognize not always obvious psychological violence?

The difference is that conflict is a dispute of equals. People can express their opinion sharply and emotionally, different from the opinion of another. If at the same time they are ready to take into account the opinion of a partner and seek mutual understanding, seek a solution that suits both of them, this is a normal conflict.

But in a dispute between a tyrant and a person who is subjected to domestic violence, the first does not want to hear the opinion of the second. For a tyrant, there is only one opinion - his own, and he perceives the conflict as a war that he must win by any means.

What types of violence, other than psychological, do women most often face in a situation of domestic tyranny?

Psychological violence (ignoring, depreciation, ridicule, total petty control over a woman's life, etc.) is the first thing, without it everything else does not happen. We can also single out physical violence, and this is not only beatings, but also, for example, forcible detention in a room, restriction of movement, poking, kicking, throwing objects, etc.

Economic violence is widespread, when the husband declares that "children are your concern" and spends all his income on himself, on satisfying his desires, without allocating anything to his wife and children.

If the family does not have a common, but a separate budget, is this already a warning sign or is this normal?

If partners agree on equal terms how they will divide the budget, take an equal part in the preparation of this budget, and both are satisfied with this, this is normal. But if the wife is forced to carry the entire economic burden, and the husband believes that the fact that they created children together is already a sufficient contribution on his part to the family, this is economic violence. Very often, economic violence occurs when a woman refuses to work in order to devote herself entirely to children, and the husband believes that he can dictate all the conditions to her.

A few words must also be said about sexual violence. This is something that women, as a rule, do not talk about on their own initiative. Usually a woman can be brought to this conversation when she talks about other types of violence in her family. We believe that the husband has complete control over the body of his wife and can "take his own" at any time and in any form, as soon as he pleases, without taking into account the wishes of his wife. This is a very severe form of violence, because in this case the woman feels that her body does not belong to her.

In both secular and Orthodox literature on family relationships, one can often come across such an approach: you cannot change another person, you can only change yourself (“save yourself, and thousands around you will be saved”). From this, the woman draws the following conclusion: I will now work on myself, try, go to femininity courses or do something else, and my husband will change. Or, if she is a believer: I will go to confession, repent of sins, try to live according to the Gospel, then everything will work out in my family. Is this point of view justified?

Still, you need to separate different things. Paying attention to yourself is a correct and useful position. But in what sense? You need to pay attention to your needs. If a woman feels that her family is bad, she has the right to express her thoughts and voice her feelings. That is, do not manipulate, but talk with your husband from the position of an equal partner.

The attitude “you can’t do this with me” is a correct and healthy attitude. But in our country, as a rule, this “pay attention to yourself” means something completely different: they say, if I change myself, then my husband will automatically change. No, this will not happen.

You can change yourself until you are blue in the face, you can be more domestic and affectionate, please and bring slippers in your teeth, but the husband will perceive this as an encouragement of domestic violence, and violence will only increase. How can you change your husband without doing anything, that is, without making any demands on him, but only by visiting holy places, going to confession?

On this occasion, my book contains a quote from Vladimir's philosophical work “Three Conversations”: people pray and pray before eating, but they still chew on their own, with their own jaws. That is, you need to strive to resolve the situation on your own, no one - neither God, nor the king, nor the hero - will do it for you.

Does the idea of ​​setting one’s boundaries (“you can’t do this with me”) and identifying one’s own needs work in the case of a domestic tyrant? Or the only way is to pack a suitcase, get divorced, leave, run away?

Tyrants are different. Just because boundaries weren't there from the start doesn't mean they can't be set later. The first step is for a woman to realize that domestic violence is happening in her life. It is very difficult to admit this, and the path to this is long, since it often happens that a woman passes from one tyrannical family to another.

The relationship between her parents, when her father oppressed her mother, she accepts as the norm, and sometimes it is very difficult to understand that what is happening is not normal and does not suit me. But this is the first step. The second step is to determine what, in fact, I do not want to endure.

The third step is a direct and open conversation with your husband."You're doing something that doesn't suit me, I don't want to take it anymore." And the next thing to do and what a woman has not done before is issuing an ultimatum: I give you such a period during which you must correct your behavior. If it doesn't, I'll do this and that. I'm leaving, for example.

But this should by no means be an unfounded demand. If a woman decides to leave, she really needs to be sure that she can do it. Find in advance a springboard in the form of a shelter for women, or with relatives, friends who are ready to accept her for a certain period, think about how she will earn money and how to provide for children.

But we must understand that tyrants are different. If a woman is not even able to think about talking to her man in such a tone in order to make some demands of her own, then the tyrant is probably very dangerous, and it is better to leave without warning.

There is a very vivid image in your book: the tyrant treats his victim as an inanimate object - for example, a coffee grinder. And when she starts talking to him seriously, he is indignant, perceiving this as if the coffee grinder belonging to him suddenly spoke. But if so, how productive are conversations with such a person? Have there been cases in your practice when, after a conversation, the husband really listened to the demands of his wife and changed his behavior?

Yes, there are such stories. There are cases that make you rejoice at the results of your work, and the courage of a woman who, in such a situation, gathered herself and behaved correctly.

I remember a case when a woman correctly identified that she was in a state of domestic violence and was very frightened for the child, because the child was not only a witness to domestic incidents, but also a victim of violence from the father. She said, “Yes, that's it. Either you don't do it anymore, or I only talk to you through my lawyer."

This was said for a reason - the woman “pumped up her muscles” in advance and created escape routes. They managed to reach the level of discussions, the process of negotiations with each other. This is not yet complete family well-being, but already a serious step towards becoming equal partners.

In a situation of domestic violence, a woman often considers herself to be guilty. “Of course, he treats me, humiliates, devalues ​​me, but in fact I myself am good, I also add fuel to the fire,” she says to herself. How to stop feeling guilty for the actions of others?

First of all, do not blame yourself for this way of thinking, because it is dictated not only by the domestic tyrant, but also by society as a whole. “The husband is the head, and the wife is the neck”, “the woman is responsible for the climate in the family” - these are common wisdoms that are really very difficult to get away from. They are loaded into the brain of girls from the very early age.

But this is also a consequence of the strategy of the tyrant, who is trying to blame the woman for his actions: as if he is clean, fluffy and not guilty of anything, and she is evil incarnate.

One technique helps here: try to analyze the situation from the outside. If you were told a story where one person behaves in such a way towards another, as it happens in your family, which one of them would you consider to be guilty? Is this even acceptable in human relations?

The following train of thought is possible: I know myself, Tanya (Katya, Sveta), as a person who can calmly communicate with other people without provoking violence (if we stand on the point of view that violence can be provoked at all, although this is a wrong point of view) . Until now, I have communicated with many people, and no one considered me to be evil incarnate, no one rushed to beat me, no one said that I was so bad that this was the only way to treat me. So, with me, in principle, it is possible in a different way? This is also a good question to ask yourself.

But in general, you need to understand that in our society there is a widespread position of blaming the victim, and not only victims of domestic violence. She, the fool, is to blame: she didn’t dress like that, walked home from work late at night, etc.: the focus of attention is diverted from the rapist’s actions, moving him to the victim.

It must be clearly understood that only the rapist is to blame for the violence, no actions of the victim justify this.

The psychology of a tyrant man ... Many women do not understand why he behaves this way. He can be completely normal, calm with other people, he can be valued and respected in society as a successful, educated, prosperous person. But at home, he turns into a completely different person. What's wrong with him, is it childhood trauma?

Everyone has childhood traumas, growing up is not complete without it. Many have experience of interacting with people who treated them unfairly, who carried out violence. But not everyone became domestic tyrants as a result, because the roots of family tyranny are not in how a man feels, but in how he thinks. A tyrant is a certain way of thinking.

If a man in his value system considers it normal for himself to do this with a woman, then he will do it. A woman for him is not an independent subject, a partner with whom he can interact as an equal, but a certain object to satisfy his needs.

Therefore - we return to the image you mentioned - if this object shows its own needs and interests, for it it is as if a coffee grinder spoke, instead of brewing coffee, and began to make some demands on it. This situation seems absolutely abnormal to him, and he seeks to correct it. Moreover, he believes that he is right, he is in his own right and acts in justice.

A believing man can also become a domestic tyrant, or is it out of the question? Have you encountered situations of domestic violence in Orthodox families?

Yes, such cases are not uncommon. Some men, coming to faith, perceive the Orthodox teaching on marriage in a distorted way - instead of seeing in their wife the image of God, an equal partner in life, in a life together with whom one can cultivate love, humility and other Christian virtues, such a man treats a woman as a a subordinate being, which is obliged to obey him and fulfill his will in everything (he could see such attitudes in his parental family). He uses the thesis of the headship of a man in the family in his own interests, not understanding its deep essence, not realizing that Scripture is about love and responsibility.

In such a family, a husband can do anything with his wife, and she can only endure and hope that even if he brings her to the grave, it is still good for her, she will "accept the crown of martyrdom." But is it?

No, in fact you will not find in Scripture justification for this way of thinking, because if the wife is a martyr, then who is her husband in relation to her? It turns out that he is her tormentor, he can be said to be Pilate or Diocletian in her life. Can such a family be called an Orthodox family at all? This is completely inconsistent with the words of Christ: "By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."

There is just no love in this couple, because the Scripture says that just as a wife is called to respect her husband, so the husband is called to love her. If the husband does not fulfill his part of the obligations, then the wife is free from fulfilling hers.

“Yes, living with him is unbearable, but children need a father!” Do women often seek to keep the family, based on this motive?

Yes unfortunately. Very often, a wife keeps herself from leaving an abusive husband because the children need a father. But do children need every father? We see that children in families where violence flourishes, even if they are just witnesses, still experience severe mental stress, which results in aggression towards other children or pets.

They can learn poorly, suffer from enuresis and fears for a very long time. And when they grow up, they want to leave the family as soon as possible. In girls, this can lead to an early onset of sexual life, early pregnancy, because they are trying to find in other men that care that they could not find in their father.

Very often, when working with adults who come to a psychotherapist with completely different problems - a breakdown, apathy, unwillingness to live, with various phobias - it turns out that domestic violence took place in their childhood.

If you invite such a person to express their childhood feelings towards their mother, they most often say: “Mom, why didn’t you protect me, why didn’t you leave your father?”

Are there cases when a woman in an Orthodox family endures, prays, forgives, and a man changes for the better over time? Or is the intention to change another with your pious life an illusion?

In my practice, there were no such cases. If a woman does not express her demands in any way, the husband thinks that everything is fine. In fact, everything is fine for him. And how will he notice that his wife is feeling bad if he is not used to taking into account the needs of his wife at all?

The wife will still have to recognize her needs, and the first of these is the need for security, which is seriously affected in such a family. And then from this understanding that this is no longer possible, a need for some kind of action will be born.

The man himself very often does not let go of his victim. He holds on to her sometimes no less than a woman holds on to him. Why is this happening?

First of all, let's figure out why he entered into this relationship at all. As a rule, such men do not think, they say, now I will charm this woman, and then I will cripple her, make her weak and intimidated. Usually their logic is this: “What a wonderful, beautiful, bright woman! She will be mine." This “will be mine” already contains a certain grain of further problems.

In other words, a woman for such a man is an object, a prize that he must receive. In the future, this man considers the woman his object, that which belongs to him by right. If an object that belongs to him shows independence, this stirs up many different feelings in him at once. This is anger at her independence, and a sense of her own insolvency (“what belonged to me suddenly floats out of my hands”), and a sense of possessiveness, and a feeling of trouble from the fact that he is losing control - and in such families there is always control.

All this leads to the fact that even if a man has not shown love for a woman before, saying: “Well, who will take you like that, I warmed you out of mercy, and no one but me needs you,” then when it turns out that she leaves, she becomes very necessary to him. But, of course, not she herself as a person, but control over her. Such a man can pursue a woman for a long time. Very often, vivid cases of physical aggression, up to murder, occur at a time when a woman declares: that's it, I'm leaving.

In other words, a woman needs to be especially careful about her safety during the period when she issues an ultimatum “either you change or I leave”?

Yes. Further, it is already possible to negotiate with the husband on the division of property through relatives, through a lawyer. But the safest way to disappear is simply not to announce it. Many women strive to say something, to “break up in an amicable way”. You don't need to do this.

What pushes the woman herself to ultimately maintain a relationship with a domestic tyrant, to return over and over again after another “leaving”? Does she satisfy some important needs of her own, or is this her family script that she is not aware of, or is there some other reason? Why does this happen to this particular woman and not to others?

Each case is individual. You can also consider the family scenario, and what beliefs keep a woman in a relationship with this man, and how this happens in general. These things are best explored with a therapist.

But there are certain common beliefs that girls get crammed into their heads very early on that really keep a woman from leaving. This is “a woman is responsible for the climate in the family”, and “children need a father”, and “I chose one man - it should be love for life.” Of course, these settings are also very influential.

Besides, a tyrant is not a tyrant all the time, otherwise it would be very easy to get away from him. If literally at the first meeting he showed his character, his position as a tyrant, then the woman would immediately understand everything, and she would immediately run away from such a person.

But in the relationship of a man and a woman in such a pair there is always a lot of good. A woman can cling to this, confident that "a little more, I will now press this button, and he will change, and I can still make him the way I want." This is an illusion. A man is a different person, and you have no button from him. You still need to pay attention to your needs and continue to act on this basis.

What good does a woman get who decides to break off relations with a domestic tyrant? How do your clients say about it? Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

A woman gets the main thing - her life. If before she spent the lion's share of her energy and time on a domestic tyrant, wondering "In what mood will he come home today?", "Why did I not please him again?", "How else to talk to him so that he changes?" She has the opportunity to spend them on her needs. First of all - on physical and mental health, which was harmed by family terror. She will get the opportunity to become a cheerful, active person. This is a great chance to make a breakthrough in your career.

This is what happened to the American psychotherapist Susan Forward, who, after breaking up with her tyrannical husband, found a huge surge of creative energy and achieved success: she became a radio broadcaster, wrote and published many popular books, one of which is called “Men who hate women, and women who love them. The experience of my clients shows that after a while they start a relationship with another man, but this time on an equal footing, without the belief that if the partner is constantly yielding and being submissive, he will wear it in his arms.

A woman who finds herself in a situation of domestic violence, as a rule, needs support. Where can she get it in our country?

Of course, it will be very good if a woman in such a situation comes to a psychotherapist. But many women may not have the moral strength for this, because they are exhausted by a tyrant. They have enough strength just to survive, they can hardly keep themselves from committing suicide.

Or they may not have the financial opportunity. The tyrant restricts them both in terms of funds and in movement, may prohibit them from leaving the house or forces them to stay at home with small children around the clock.

Getting help is very difficult. In a good way, this should be done by the state. But we, unfortunately, do not have public services that would help women in such a situation, although this is very important.

There is a non-profit organization - the center "Sisters", where I work and where they help, mainly, people who have experienced sexual violence. But we often receive calls from people experiencing domestic violence or other types of violence.

Contact Center "Sisters":

Helpline: +74999010201, counseling psychologists receive calls on weekdays, from 10 am to 8 pm.

If you find it difficult to call us, you can write to

Husband is a tyrant and a despod

A despot husband is a real chameleon and a subtle psychologist. Often a tyrant is not so easy to recognize at the first meeting. Outwardly, he may look like an exemplary family man: courageous, strong, caring, sparing no money for gifts, very appreciating and loving his woman. He hurries to take responsibility for his beloved and calls to marry after only a few months of relationship.

The enchanted girl falls in love with her ardent boyfriend, not noticing the first alarming bells, and falls into a real tyrant's trap, which is not easy to get out of.

Types of despots

Psychologists conditionally divide tyrants into three types:

• Everyone is in control.

Where was? What did you do? With whom? How long? And this is not the whole list of questions that a girl should answer every evening to her “caring” husband. And God forbid, you evade an answer or do not get in touch in time! Expect reprimand and scandal.

Such a man torments his wife with jealousy, forbids communicating with any men, including brothers, classmates, colleagues and father. Yes, and friends are blacklisted, with whom a woman should immediately stop communicating.

But this is not enough, in addition to constant interrogations, the husbands of tyrants do not disdain to constantly check the phone, read SMS, check calls, and explore social networks. Nothing must escape his eyes. With maniacal persistence, he checks his wife's outfits, her makeup and hair: there can be no talk of any attractive image.

• Constantly humiliates and insults.

This type of tyrant asserts itself due to low female self-esteem. In alliance with such a man, offensive words, caustic remarks, verbal humiliation and insults are a common phenomenon. A tyrant and despot husband will constantly poke his wife at her shortcomings and point out her mistakes. He's hard to please. Whatever a woman does, he will find something to become attached to: the dish is oversalted, put on too bright makeup or, on the contrary, dressed very inconspicuously, tastelessly, did not show herself in bed that way, did not immediately answer his SMS, etc.

Humiliation in such couples does not always occur in an aggressive or pretentious form. The tyrant may well say to his wife with a smile on his face and in a joking manner: “What a stupid thing you are, and who would marry you like that if it weren’t for me?”

• Releases his hands.

The third type of tyrants is the most terrible, because such individuals can calmly raise a hand against a woman, often for no apparent reason, relying only on their mood. He never feels guilty, believing that their victim herself asked for it and deserved such treatment by her behavior. Despots of this type like to drink and often suffer from alcoholism, which only contributes to the development of their tendency to physical violence.

Of course, you can meet a bright representative of one type, but more often a tyrant is a mixture of two or three types at once.

Signs of a tyrant husband - 18 signs

You can identify a tyrant in the early stages of a relationship. To do this, you need to communicate with a person for a long time, meet on neutral territory, avoid intimacy, carefully monitor a person’s behavior and the slightest changes in his reactions.

However, women often begin to guess that they are in a relationship with a despot, having already exchanged wedding rings. How does a tyrant husband behave? ?

1. Total control over all households. Who communicates with whom, where he studies, works and where he goes, the tyrant must know everything about his wife and children. He makes all the major decisions in the life of his family alone, without asking the opinions of other members. Puts everyone before the fact, any attempt to challenge the decision is stopped, there are many prohibitions in the family. Often this sign manifests itself at the stage of courtship, when a man tries to control the social circle and life of a girl.
2. Excessive confidence in one's own authority, constant attempts to show a woman where her true feminine place is.
3. Increased control over the main areas of life: finances, property, storage of documents, etc. This approach makes all family members dependent on the tyrant.
4. The desire to subjugate a woman and put her in a dependent position. This is manifested in the prohibition to work, control of funds. Sometimes it may look like an order, and sometimes it is masked by concern for the health, beauty and psyche of the spouse.
5. Constant criticism of all family members, nagging from the tyrant. Everything is always done wrong.
6. Destroys the self-esteem of all family members, while he himself has an overestimated self-esteem.
7. Eternal questions: Where are you? With whom you are? Why so long? etc. Refusal of a detailed report provokes the manifestation of aggression.
8. Humiliation and insults: “Who needs you?”, “What would you do without me?”, “What are you capable of?”.
9. Periodic beatings. At the same time, he believes that the wife herself is to blame, brought him to her wrong behavior, and the victim really often considers himself to be guilty of what is happening.
10. He loves your tears and tantrums. He feels sincere pleasure from your crying, provokes tantrums, and then feels satisfied and may even ask for forgiveness.
11. Maniacal jealousy for every pillar, person, passerby.
12. Does not encourage your successes, treats them intolerantly, belittles merit, considers that it does not matter.
13. He never asks for anything, never apologizes, only orders, shuts his mouth and accuses.
14. Next to him, you constantly experience fear.
15. He speaks badly of other people. He constantly blames someone for his failures, looks for the guilty, asserts himself at the expense of others.
16. Restricts or prohibits communication with loved ones, relatives, friends.
17. Often calls, writes SMS, tries to control as much as possible by phone, rolls up scandals if they did not have time to pick up the phone or did not answer SMS.

The active manifestation of at least one point should already make you wonder if everything is in order with your chosen one and the relationship between you.

Causes of tyranny

Most often, the causes of despotic behavior are rooted in childhood. Perhaps the tyrant himself experienced all the charms of life with a despot and simply adopted the model of building a family from his parents or decided to recoup someone for his spoiled childhood. A genetic tendency to despotic manifestations or improper upbringing is also not ruled out, when the boy manipulated his parents, and they, in turn, indulged his whims.

Signs of a tyrant can wake up due to deep self-doubt and a desire to eliminate rivals in this way, excessive love for a woman, strong tension, a hard day at work, a high position in society, financial advantage, etc.

Why is it hard to leave?

So, it became clear that the person with whom you live is a real tyrant. You constantly think about how to get rid of his oppression and what to do. Obviously, the best solution is to walk away and leave a sick relationship once and for all, but many women are hesitant to do this and live with tyrants for years.

It is very easy to condemn such women for indecision, but in practice the situation can indeed be difficult.

The fact is that the tyrant initially chooses a quiet, not ambitious girl, tuned in to building a family hearth, household chores and marriage as a victim. And he really gives her all this, and at first even more. A despot can beautifully look after, fulfill all desires, give gifts and indulge women's whims. He fits the image of an ideal husband and passionate lover.

Meanwhile, the patriarchal model is already beginning to be established in the family. And this may look quite adequate: a man earns enough money, a woman does housework. Children appear. Gradually, the entire environment of the wife is destroyed: friends, relatives, colleagues and just friends.

And even after the tyrant has shown his true nature, he can occasionally give his wife gifts and care, strengthening her belief that if she behaves correctly, he will improve. The main anchors that do not allow a woman to head for a new happy life are:

• Desire and belief that the husband can be remade;
• Children;
• Subconscious satisfaction from the role of the victim: no need to make decisions, take responsibility for your life, special pleasure from quarrels and subsequent reconciliations;
• Lack of work and financial dependence;
• There are no friends and relatives to turn to for help;
• Bright memories of a beautiful beginning of a relationship and a positive image of a husband;
• Feelings of guilt for the fact that the husband has changed;
• Lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities.

How to get away from the tyrant?

If life with a tyrant and alcoholic husband has become unbearable, the best way out is to get a divorce and end the relationship.

First of all, wake up healthy egoism in yourself and realize that this man does not love you, you are just a victim for him, on which he can throw out all his negativity, insolvency and insecurity. Think carefully about your future plan, it may be worthwhile to postpone actions and start looking for housing, creating a financial airbag. It would be useful to seek advice from a psychologist. A specialist will help you understand yourself, give recommendations on how to behave with a tyrant, how to stop male cruelty.

Restore ties with friends and relatives, tell about what is happening to you, publicize the problem, so that in case of anything, you have someone to turn to for help.

If there is no assault in the family, you can directly declare your intention to divorce and if the husband does not give consent, seek help from a lawyer or a crisis center, where you can not only receive legal assistance, but also provide a roof over your head.

Stop wooing your husband and get a job, save up the amount that will be needed for the first time of an independent life. Improve your self-esteem, start talking to people and going out again, this will help you get distracted and acquire new hobbies and interests.

If your husband is hitting, pack when he's not home and move out immediately. You can rent an apartment on your own, ask for help from relatives or friends, to law enforcement agencies. If there are no close people and no opportunity to rent an apartment, you will always be sheltered and protected in a crisis center.

Do not be afraid that a tyrant ex-husband will begin to persecute you. As a rule, such people are very cowardly, and if you make the case public, he will not threaten you. If you are very afraid, you can eventually move to another city and start life from scratch. In any case, you should not endure bullying and beatings, following the lead of your fears.

In addition, do not hold on to the family for the sake of children. Can there be daily debriefing scenes and an atmosphere of fear in the family better than a quiet childhood with a happy mother, albeit a lonely one? Although, who said that you will not marry again, but already happily? Otherwise, your children may repeat the same pattern of behavior in their families or simply grow up insecure, downtrodden and unhappy. Do you want that?

To maintain confidence in the correctness of your choice, talk to women who have survived parting with a tyrant. Among them you will not find those who are dissatisfied with their decision. Many regret only that they did not do it sooner.

How to live with a tyrant husband?

If you see no other choice but to stay in this relationship, or blindly believe that your husband will improve, you have two behaviors:

1. Submit and obey your spouse in everything;
2. Reclaim your position and stand up for yourself.

Which option you choose is up to you. There are several recommendations from psychologists that will make life easier with a tyrant, but they are more suitable for girls who decide to fight back.

1. Consult a specialist (psychologist or psychiatrist). Each case is individual and in the psychologist's office, you can analyze exactly your situation and draw up a plan of action.
2. Stop violence and demonstrations of superiority in the bud. Tyrants are, in fact, cowards. Fighting back can scare them and reduce the number of attacks in your direction.
3. Despots are greedy for flattery and love to contradict. Take advantage of this. Do not ask permission to go to a meeting with a friend, say that you have already refused. There is a good chance that he will simply insist that you go to the meeting out of a sense of contradiction.
4. Do not give up, do not lower your head, do not take a subordinate position. The tyrant is only waiting for the manifestation of weakness in order to go on the offensive.
5. Become a strong person, love yourself.
6. Take care of yourself.
7. Start dressing nicely.
8. Take a self defense course.
9. Start working and saving money. In the most advanced cases, you can work from home.
10. Take care of your self-development.
11. Do not react to manipulation, but simply leave.
12. Provide yourself with a room with a strong door and a secure lock so that in case of emergency you can call for help and wait out a flash of anger.
13. Make the situation public, let everyone know that you are subject to tyranny. Talk to your loved ones, maybe they will agree to help you.
14. If your husband does not like the way you perform your duties, stop doing them altogether.

All of these rules work well if the tyrant is only verbally bullying you. Some things to avoid if your husband raises his hand to you:

• Don't refuse to do your homework;
• Don't give reasons for jealousy;
• Don't threaten divorce or talk about leaving;
• Do not make fun of your spouse's personal qualities.

How to prevent tyranny?

Of course, the best way to prevent tyranny is to build relationships correctly from the very beginning and take a balanced approach to choosing a life partner.

If you notice the first signs of tyranny after marriage, follow these rules:

• Stop any attempts of control, pressure, humiliation, insults.
• Don't quit your job and keep earning your living.
• Don't be afraid to lose a man.
• Don't hold on to good memories.

Remember, any positive change in your relationship with a tyrant is only temporary. A tyrant will never be able to re-educate, and a happy relationship will no longer work. So, is it worth it to turn your home into a real battlefield, to sacrifice your happiness and the happiness of children?

Useful articles:

The family is a small cell in which the same processes take place as in society. As in any human community, in this small social group there must be both control and subordination. Otherwise it will be anarchy and chaos. But where is the line that separates the relationship of love and cooperation from tyranny? Most often, men become tyrants in the family. What happens in the psychology of a young man who was passionately in love yesterday, and who today has turned into a despot?

What is the psychology of a despot's husband, a tyrant? Can the essential features be identified? How does it affect psychology? There are different types of family tyrants.

Example one. A large man, outwardly strong and healthy. When she gets married, the girl hopes to receive care and protection. And at the beginning of married life, she feels safe. A young husband decides almost everything. Usually he is extremely pedantic: but it is from the love of order in everything that family tyranny begins. Requirements for cleanliness and order are pathological. Everything must be in its place, which is determined by the family despot. Including children's toys. The children have no place to spread them out, they are not allowed to run and play noisy games if the father is at home. For children, the atmosphere is drill, but for their father, this is a normal educational process. Family members are not entitled to their opinion, objections are not accepted. He cares about everything, and everything causes his discontent. He will always find something to complain about and make a scandal. Reproaches, insults, humiliations become a constant element. Naturally, the financial side of the family is under his vigilant control. The wife must account for every ruble spent even from her salary. A male tyrant of this type has an explosive and uncontrollable character. They get stuck in their anger for a long time, reaching an affective state, they can easily turn to physical violence.

What to do and how to live with such a despot?

It is very difficult to give any specific advice to a wife who lives with a tyrant husband. She should have left earlier. Perhaps love held her back, then children and the hope that her husband would change over the years. Unfortunately, it won't change. Such people are not amenable to re-education. With age, despotic behavior only becomes stronger. And a woman turns with such a husband into a silent and weak-willed creature. And this model of her behavior (to be silent, not to object, to agree in everything, not to annoy, not to ask, to endure, and so on) is, unfortunately, the best way to survive in an atmosphere of family tyranny.

But at the same time, these downtrodden women do everything to maintain the authority of their tyrant husband in the family. They begin to justify his behavior, all his outbursts of discontent, anger and assault, shifting the blame on themselves and the children. And she should have thought about what happens to children, what they will grow up to be: downtrodden and weak-willed individuals or cruel tyrants, having learned the model of their father's behavior. In this atmosphere of survival, mothers should surround their children with love and care, become their support and hope. Matured children often reproach their mother for their inability to resist family despotism.

What can a woman do to protect them from despotic behavior in the future already in their families?

• Explain that their father is who he is. There is nothing good in this. It is impossible to change his behavior or re-educate an adult. It remains to accept it as a given.
• But in life there is love and kindness, understanding and support. Only with this baggage can one become happy.
• Avoid physical abuse towards yourself. Remember that male tyrants have low self-esteem and are therefore cowardly: they succumb to decisive opposition.

Example two. A smart, reserved young man captivates with his outlook, his confidence. A slight disregard for others does not stop the girl. Next to him, she also feels more significant and does not notice that behind this restraint lies a lack of warmth. When a young woman is in love, how can she see anything? And now in the family she already meekly, but with love, serves her tyrant husband. And he is not able to love his wife and anyone from his environment. From the height of his intellect, he looks with disdain not only at his family members, but also at his colleagues. He does not have warm human relations with anyone, and he does not need them. All his feelings are concentrated in one direction - on himself. He has one passion - self-love. Therefore, all attention to your health, nutrition, sports and healthy lifestyle life. The health of his wife and children is of little concern to him, rather annoying if something is not right with them.

Being an egoist, such a despot arranges his life in such a way that everyone serves him. Life is organized clearly and in such a way that violations of the daily routine are not allowed. Lunch is served at a certain time, shirts are ironed, socks are washed, shoes are polished. With the advent of a despot father in the family, children literally crawl into the corners so as not to interfere with their majestic dad. Children of such parents are quiet and extremely obedient. They will not annoy their father with any requests: it is easier for them to do without toys than to turn to him. This tyrant does not like scandals in the family, he does not raise his voice, but his glance is enough for everyone to take their places and show their readiness to serve him or not interfere. Such men are completely helpless in everyday life - for this they have wives.

How do family members feel next to such a person who has elevated himself to a certain height? Maybe its higher significance, superiority over others. But there is no warmth in the family, there is no happiness either. Children grow up downtrodden and with a lot of complexes: they cannot be like their great dad, or arrogant, despising everyone and everything. A wife, being a servant of her unattainable husband, cannot be happy. The man of her dreams will not be her friend, lover, or lover. In a cold atmosphere, it also freezes. After all, you will not tell anyone about your loneliness. She has no friends, and you can’t talk frankly with those with whom you are allowed to communicate. Outwardly, she looks very prosperous and even lucky to be the envy of everyone. Such a man, although he allocates money to her for life and outfits, knows how to count them. And only he decides which coat suits her, what she should buy today, and what she can do without.

What can you advise such a woman? There were reasons that had kept her close to such a despot before. And now? Who needs it? Who will understand her such a "lucky"? And who flees from palaces, even if they are devoid of warmth? Here are some tips.

• The wisest thing is to continue to live without tormenting yourself with regrets about the ruined life. Love yourself and do not dissolve in the service of the family despot. Find your meaningful place in life.
• Learn to understand your spouse, treat him and his behavior condescendingly.
• If you can't change it, learn to manipulate it.

In addition to the above examples, there is the so-called partial tyranny on the part of the spouse, which manifests itself in any area of ​​family life. So pathological turns a woman's life into a real hell. She needs to constantly report on her whereabouts, her actions and meetings. Wherever she is, she feels in control of herself. And God forbid, do not immediately answer the phone or say hello to a stranger in his presence. Everything ends with a showdown, endless quarrels and scandals, and sometimes physical violence.

Here is another version of the manifestation of unhealthy dominance in the family. The young wife does not know how to distribute the family budget. Instead of helping her, he takes over the financial side of the family's life: any purchase is made only with his permission. Violation of this order entails a scandal in the family. And a paradoxical situation arises when a modern woman simply does not know how to buy a pack of tea.

It is not necessary to think that tyrant husbands do not love their wives at all. Many of them even have very tender feelings for them. But they believe that all their actions, albeit harsh ones, are aimed at the benefit of the family. Others simply use their household members for their own purposes and there can be no talk of warm feelings. Perhaps they love their wives and children, but in such a way that they do not feel this strange love.

What is the psychological basis of the behavior of a tyrant?

First of all, it is a pathological thirst for power. It is expressed in dominance and control over other people, in a contemptuous attitude towards the weaker and less successful. Well, if this goal cannot be realized in relations with strangers, then the family remains. It is impossible to retain power without violence (physical or moral). So the wife becomes a victim of a tyrant-husband, and the family turns into a place for clarifying the relationship between the victim and the persecutor.

Who becomes a tyrant and why? If we are talking about the representatives of the stronger sex, then the inability to assert oneself anywhere in society (at work, among friends), low self-esteem and an inferiority complex, combined with ambition (the desire to be the best) make him a real despot in his family. Here he can show himself in full glory.

All complexes are laid in childhood, the behavior patterns of parents are assimilated and manifested in adulthood. Despotic habits of the father become character traits of the son. Many psychologists also point to the genetic predisposition of some men to the manifestation of dominance and aggressiveness in relationships.

And the question arises why women carry this unbearable burden of power on their shoulders all their lives. In fact, next to such a person are very insecure women who do not know how to make any decisions. Often there is economic dependence of the wife on her husband. But for many women, even today, such a model of such relationships remains the norm, since it is assimilated in childhood in the parental family. It is there that the psychology of the victim is formed. And on a subconscious level, they seek and find each other, a tyrant husband and a victim wife.

How not to become the wife of a tyrant

And these are tips for young women who are just about to take a big step in their lives: to accept the proposal of their lover. Of course, in a state of love, few people can connect their minds and analyze their relationship with their loved one. On the other hand, in a state of love, both girls and men strive to prove themselves from the best side, to demonstrate their best qualities. However, think again. In order not to become the wife of a tyrant, one should know what the husband will become after five, ten, fifteen years of married life. Men tend to change, and no one can guarantee that a well-mannered and educated, loving young man will soon turn into a real tyrant. You don't have to be a psychologist to predict your future married life.

What should be done?

• Get to know the family of your chosen one and pay close attention to his father. How does he treat his wife, his son, other children? Who is the head of the family? Who solves all family problems? Is he aggressive towards his wife and children? How do family members feel about him? Are they afraid or love and trust him? Find out if there were betrayals? When and how did it happen? What is the atmosphere like in the family? Take an interest in what was the grandfather of your beloved. Severe, stingy, cruel or kind, loving family man? The mother of a young man can tell a lot. The main thing is to show curiosity and attention, be an active listener, that is, ask the right questions. Call your loved one for a frank conversation. Find out what kind of relationship he had with his father, trusted or feared, loved or hated. After all, a person most often becomes what he loves or hates. These conversations will tell you a lot.
• Now turn your eyes to your father. Analyze his life according to the same parameters. With your father, everything is much simpler: various family events, problems, conflicts passed before your eyes. You also know the fate of your relatives very well. Compare the behavior patterns of both fathers. To what extent do their behavior patterns match? If the father of your chosen one had the manners of a tyrant, and yours showed a despotic disposition, then you can draw a fairly accurate portrait of your future husband. This means that in your program at the genetic level, perhaps, life with a tyrant husband is prescribed.

If you have come to this conclusion, then this does not mean that you need to leave your chosen one and look for another. The fact is that the other will be the same carrier of the tyrant's behavior model. Why? Because every person we meet and love reflects a part of our Self, so our choice is not random. So what to do with this information? You don't want to be part of someone's negative program, do you? You still have time to adjust your behavior and your future husband. Change yourself, cultivate self-confidence and self-esteem. Erase the features of the victim in your character. Keep working on your relationship with your husband. By changing yourself, you will change both your husband and your destiny.