My friend is gay. A girl's best friend is gay

Gay men are happy to be friends with women. They communicate with them, adopt their habits and behavior. In addition, gays love to discuss the latest fashions, diets, and beauty treatments with their friends. They read women's magazines together, discussing problems of relationships between men and women. Gay men learn a lot of new things in a group of girlfriends and share their knowledge themselves. They also pay attention to the stronger sex who hang around beautiful girls. Perhaps among them there will be a representative of a non-traditional orientation who will respond to signs of attention and become a permanent partner.

Gay men are often very touchy. They see their difference from others and have a strong complex. Therefore, when communicating with them, you need to be careful in your statements.

How to be friends with a gay man

Each girl must decide for herself how close she can let a gay man into her life. Often gays become loyal and devoted friends, but still they are not exactly men and you should not expect certain behavior from them. A gay man is unlikely to volunteer to help assemble a closet, carry heavy purchases, or repair a car. But he will gladly listen to the story of unhappy love and give advice on separation. Or he will share techniques with which you can conquer any man. Girls are not competition for gays due to the fact that representatives of traditional orientation are interested in them. Therefore, they easily share with them the most intimate men's secrets.

Gay men quickly find a common language with girls, but friendship with straight men is almost impossible. Therefore, before introducing your gay friend to other friends, carefully weigh the pros and cons.

It is very convenient to go to various entertainment events with men. On the one hand, there is always a relatively strong shoulder; a friend or girlfriend can accompany you home or play the role of a lover in order to ward off a suitor you don’t like. On the other hand, if a really worthy man meets, the gay man will not mind the girl starting to communicate with him. Therefore, recently, very often in clubs, restaurants, and at exhibitions you can meet girls in the company of gay men. Such an alliance is convenient for both, and often the friendship lasts for many years. Until the girl has a boyfriend who promotes the institution of a traditional heterosexual family.

For years, friendships between women and gay men have been the subject of increased attention in the popular culture industry. Many books, television shows and feature films have been published on this topic. This is how the world learned about this unique relationship, imbued with warmth and reverent depth.

Tolerance is gaining momentum

These days, attitudes towards representatives of sexual minorities are rapidly changing. Society is becoming more tolerant of people who openly declare their non-traditional orientation. And if earlier for a man to talk about the fact that he was gay was akin to a feat, now his inner circle has become more loyal. People strive to understand the relationships between gays and straights.

Researchers in the field of social psychology are also trying to unravel this phenomenon. And while the average person can only guess about why women want to make friends with gay men, interpersonal relationship experts look at this issue from the point of view of scientific research.

Explanation through the prism of evolution

The most obvious pattern in such friendships is evolutionary psychology. Relations between women and homosexuals are flourishing due to the fact that representatives of the fair half of humanity feel absolutely safe in the company of gays. At first glance, this explanation may seem paradoxical, but friends with different sexual orientations do not engage in intimate relationships with each other. Homosexuals do not mate with women, which means they do not compete with each other for females and do not view their female friends as sexual objects.

Rapid psychological rapprochement

Girls in this type of interpersonal relationship do not feel any threat to themselves. The maximum level of comfort and trust allows you to get close to gay men relatively quickly. Things are completely different with heterosexual men.

Straight men will always have sexual overtones in their friendships with women. They see their girlfriend, first of all, as a sexual object, and only then as a person. Sometimes men find it difficult to fight their own impulses. To summarize all of the above: gays in the eyes of women are a kind of safe bet from a sociobiological point of view.

Testing the theory

This theory has been tested in a number of experiments that support the research program on relationships between gays and straight people. In the first experiment, female volunteers were shown fake Facebook profiles that included the fictitious owner's sexuality. Then the participants were asked which of the presented people (men, girls or gays) they would like to meet first. On the other hand, the same experiment was conducted among real homosexuals. They had to rate their level of trust in straight women, lesbians, and their fellow gay men.

conclusions

The results of the study were published in the Journal of Evolutionary Psychology. Amazingly, both parts of the experiment confirmed our theory. Both women and homosexuals perceived each other as a reliable source of trusting relationships. So, when it came to dating issues, there was an immediate sense of implicit trust between our today's heroes. However, this is only the first step in proving the presented theory.

Additional Research

A series of related studies was conducted by scientists from the University of Arlington in Texas. The new study was not much different from the one we presented earlier. Only now scientists want to find out how much women will trust gay men in matters related to direct advice. Thus, it turned out that ladies listen more to homosexuals when it comes to choosing a potential boyfriend. Ladies react very coolly to the advice of straight men and friends, but the advice of friends of non-traditional sexual orientation is received with increased enthusiasm. However, scientists have noticed that not all advice from gay men is perceived equally by girls, and the greatest trust arises in matters of dating and relationships between the sexes.

Degree of sincerity of information

At a further stage of the study, women had to determine how sincere their opponents were in their conversation. This concerned the appearance of the girls, as well as questions about a date with a potential boyfriend. As expected, the ladies perceived the assessment coming from gay men as more sincere. They were confident that the interlocutor did not have any hidden motives, and he did not perceive them as an object for courtship (as straight men were suspected of). Well, women’s advice and opinions were not taken seriously, since the participants saw other ladies as their competitors in the fight for a potential romantic partner.

At what point does friendship begin?

Scientists still had two final studies to complete. At this stage it was necessary to find out when friendships arise between women and gays and how trust arises between them. The researchers suggested that these friendships could provide an alternative to the highly competitive environment between women. Ladies themselves are looking for friends from the category of homosexuals as more reliable companions, as a counterbalance to intrigue and behind-the-scenes games. Gay men (compared to girlfriends) are regarded as extremely reliable allies.

In order to confirm this assumption, scientists falsified the news that the gender ratio at the university was skewed, and the female part of the university was far superior to the male part. All the students were sure that each of them was forced to fight with other girls for the attention of a very limited number of young men. After reading the news, the participants had to determine which of their new friends they could trust in matters relating to gender relations. When the girls learned about the increased competition, their trust in gay men increased many times over. They had previously been inclined to trust men from sexual minorities, and now they expressed a desire to make friends with them.

The disadvantage of this relationship model

A clear disadvantage of such friendship can be considered superficiality. Women value gay men only for their personal integrity and useful, sincere advice. Scientists say that, in principle, friendships of this kind can become one-sided. However, this will not happen if there is strong trust between people, and the friendship itself will last for many years. Then new topics of conversation appear between women and homosexuals, and superficial friendship can develop into a strong productive relationship.

Conclusion

Currently, there are too few studies addressing this issue. For example, we found out that women see homosexuals as excellent business partners, dream of working with them side by side, and consider them more competent on a number of issues. Well, homosexual men are drawn to women because they see greater tolerance in their eyes. It turns out that the implicit trust between our today's heroes is a two-way street.

I've been in love with straight guys countless times throughout my life. When I was young, like many teenagers, I loved to experiment and be thrilled, and this was a great way. As I got older, I began to wonder: how many straight guys were in love with me? +

When I talk about falling in love, I don't mean sexual attraction. By love I mean everything that we see in films or read in books: a storm of emotions, butterflies in the stomach and everything like that. Can this happen between men of different orientations? +

Personally, I think this is possible, but it is difficult to find an exact name for this phenomenon. Falling in love and sexual attachment as an action itself cannot be called synonymous. Falling in love or even love is a connection between souls, not bodies. I don't know how best to describe it, or if it's even possible. +

Tactile contacts between men and women have a big difference: women, when meeting with the help of touches, can express their feelings, and society will not pay attention to this, and if it comes to men, society will judge. From my own experience, I know that you have to keep your distance and hide your emotions so as not to give yourself away or compromise your partner. +

I often see male friendship, and it is something unimaginable. In and after college there are different kinds of fraternities that sometimes become like family or even better. So the moment a straight man starts a relationship, his first instinctive thought, instilled by society, is: “Am I gay now?” +

When it comes to love, there is no difference between straight people and non-straight people. Gender does not play any role in this, you need to get used to the fact that race, religion and everything else are nothing compared to love. +

When I was in college, I fell in love with a straight man. He was handsome, but besides that, he was an excellent conversationalist with whom I could talk non-stop for up to several days. He liked me too. A strong bond formed between us, which can be called love, but there was one more important aspect remaining. +

I had to find out what our relationship meant to him. I was sure of my feelings, but he didn't say anything about it. We didn't know what to do with all this. We weren't sure if we felt the same way, so I wanted to set the record straight as quickly as possible. +

Love is one of the few things that cannot be explained. It comes unexpectedly, and you never know who you'll fall in love with, gay or straight. +

It is very difficult to survive when you are in love and the person does not respond to your feelings. When this happens, they often offer to remain friends, but this is impossible: when one cannot be without the other, and the other feels awkward because of this, this stifles any relationship. +

When you fall in love, you have to figure out if it's worth it. You must be prepared to have a difficult conversation if you do realize that this is what you want to fight for. +

A straight man can love a gay man, I know this from my own experience. But it’s worth asking yourself the question: Do you have a future? +

According to research, sexual orientation does not depend on our will: it is impossible to “cure” homosexuality, just like getting rid of heterosexuality. You are either homo, or hetero, or bi. With improper upbringing, when parents try to “knock out” a craving for same-sex love from a small child, his subconscious is greatly turned upside down. He not only begins to hate women, men, parents, but also himself.

It would seem that women should despise men who, by nature, have chosen a different path and do not pay any attention to the opposite sex. But no, in fact, women are much more tolerant of men than men. What this is connected with, I figured out KHOCHU.ua.

What do the experts say?

According to research, the reason for women's condescending attitude towards gay men lies in the problem of testing. Many women have never achieved the highest sexual pleasure in their entire lives (this number is about 80%). For these representatives of the fair sex, sex is a dirty, painful, deceitful and indecent procedure. In order to somehow elevate men, women fake orgasm, not considering it a deception. On the contrary, in the simulation the woman sees politeness, a desire to please and not offend the man. And in the end, a woman who has never experienced an orgasm before is simply frightened by unfamiliar sensations. This is why many women sympathize with gay men - they don’t have to have sex with them. You can just be friends with them. There will definitely be nothing more. All. Dot.

The gay portal AfterElton.com conducted a survey among its readers “What attracts them so much to homosexuals?” Some said that they did not feel any dangerous vibes from gays. Others cited the lack of traditional gender roles. For still others, looking at two men together is simply sexy (we doubt it, of course, but to each his own).

Girls who not only like, but fall in love with gay men are called girlfag (from English “faggot girl”). Moreover, the orientation of girlfag can be any - . When girls fall in love with a gay man, they sometimes don’t think about his orientation: he is attentive, friendly, loves to chat, gentle, neat and caring. Gay men often listen to their interlocutor and smile sweetly, and in their dreams the girl has already married him and given birth to children from him. Almost all homosexuals take care of themselves - they smell nice, they have neat and stylish clothes, and nice hands. It's attractive.

Distinguishing straight from homosexual is not always easy. Many gays behave like normal men, without sticking out their orientation, maybe they are more polite, more courteous and look elegant. But there are also cutesy, mannered boys who carry their non-traditional sexual orientation like a flag - you can see these in comedy series and understand what’s what. Some sexologists believe that the inability to distinguish a traditionally oriented man from a gay man is a sign of a woman traumatized by a relationship, her bisexuality or fear of intimacy. There really is something to this.

Some women consciously fall in love with gay men and even marry them and have children. So convenient. They have a wonderful life and an excellent family in appearance, the absence of frightening intimacy and a husband who is attentive to her and the children, but prefers to quench his thirst for love on the side with a partner of his own orientation. For such women, gays are ideal partners. They cannot imagine the possibility of living with a straight man, since most of them are rude, boring, poorly dressed, do not pay enough attention to hygiene, are unfaithful and uninventive. No cinematic actions or crazy dancing on the table for you. Straight people cannot understand extravagant habits, parties until the morning, why the apartment is not cleaned, why the day before yesterday’s borscht was for lunch, and why you need 10 pairs of shoes. Gays will not have such questions. If necessary, they will clean the apartment themselves, prepare lunch and dinner, help you choose the perfect dress, shoes and handbag, they will not moan and lament that you went to a party with your girlfriends, and, perhaps, will keep you company. With gays, you don't have to pretend who's boss in a couple. You can just enjoy life, be yourself and rock other men. There will be no reproaches. You just live high.

According to sexologists, sensitive, versatile and vulnerable people fall in love with gays and build families with them. They cannot be around “redneck, unwashed louts.” It’s interesting, but history actually knows cases (there are very, very few of them) when homosexuals radically changed their lifestyle and their orientation under the influence of a woman. practically no different from the standard one. The only thing is that he can ask to stimulate his prostate through the anus using special toys. Many of them don’t even offer anal sex - apparently they already have enough of it. Some gays themselves are not averse to hitting on pretty girls. According to research, there are practically no absolute homosexuals - most of them are bisexuals. Only now, almost everyone ends up returning to men - it’s easier that way.

American psychotherapist John Belew, in the article “Gay Men and Straight Women,” argues that attraction between women and homosexuals is an illusion. A gay man sees a woman exclusively as a person, and not as a sexual object. He is not interested in her body and appearance, because of this a woman may think that a gay man is infatuated with her. This may be so - as an interlocutor, a friend and an interesting and intelligent person, a woman can easily interest a homosexual. And if sex suddenly happens, it’s just mutual satisfaction, “” and nothing more. There will be no involvement of the senses. Only physical connection.

In relationships, homosexuals themselves often turn on the game, flirt and coy, which they do not show in front of girls. Therefore, girls feel like themselves, they are calm and relaxed, they do not need to pretend and appear better. As long as a gay man and a woman remember to play and have fun with each other, everything will be fine for both. As soon as everyone wants to avoid normal relationships in this way, both will have problems.

By the way, on June 18, a gay pride parade will take place in Kyiv, the holding of which usually causes increased excitement.

All of us (or almost everyone), inspired by the experience of Carrie Bradshaw and a good dozen rom-com heroines, at a certain moment we utter the phrase: “I want to have a gay friend!” To run around with it on sales, looking for colorful scarves with fancy textures. To drink a cold frappe with a double cream on the boulevard, discussing this very Bradshaw. So that there would be a man nearby who knows how to feel like a woman.

Personally, I never dreamed of having a friend with an orientation that has already become quite traditional. At fifteen, I just wanted to have a friend who I could one day marry. Everyone knows that the best marriages come from such relationships. And my mother always thought so. But at 15, I couldn’t make friends with boys at all: I always wanted to hold hands with each of them, kiss in the entrance, and all that stuff. Apparently, because at 15 I was much wiser and simply did not know how to lie to myself. Later, I unexpectedly realized that the fountain of emotions with amazing ease turns into the “we’re just friends” mode, and I acquired a dozen different boy friends. And even later, some of my boys turned out to be not ordinary, but blue. Moreover, the word “turned out” surprisingly accurately conveys the meaning of what happened.

Friend friend

Fernando appeared to me as a lyrical young man, a sharp-tongued fan of French arthouse and a lover of long conversations on meaningful topics over a cup of coffee in the languid twilight. Who he sleeps with was the least of my interests (we are friends!). Smart, subtle, lyrical... Soon Fernando disappeared. And then he jumped out like a jack-in-the-box with a sensational confession: “I’m gay.” The thought flashed through my head: “Interesting.” And I got involved in a funny scenario called “Me and My Homosexual Friend.” We went to exhibitions with his “sweet”, discussed the contradictory nature of man in general and in French cinema in particular, and again drank coffee in the languid twilight. Actually, from the moment of the sensational confession, little has changed - except that the ban on the topic of personal life was lifted, and I received an access code to an amusing, but little worried me at that stage world called the “gay community”: what they eat, where they dress and Which one is a girl after all?

This friendship could well become a canonical line in an American rom-com, played out somewhere in the historical center of modern Moscow. If only two more had not appeared in the arena of my personal circus. More precisely, the issue of chronology in this story is a rather controversial thing and is more reminiscent of the numbering of chapters in Castaneda’s novel. Because gay boys sometimes tend to appear or not come out right away. And sometimes not at all right away - sometimes it takes twenty years of close friendship. Well, rivers of tears shed into your pillow, when you sincerely don’t understand why he looks at you like a mouse at cottage cheese (or wherever it looks with lust), gently strokes your knee, saves you from disasters, but, finding yourself in the same place with you bed, turns away and falls into a peaceful sleep.

WHAT DO THEY EAT , WHERE DO THEY DRESS AND WHICH ONE OF THEM IS A GIRL?!

Friend-brother

Our friendship, well, with... Roberto began when youthful acne was still mixed on his face with traces of sleepless and heavily alcoholic nights. It quickly grew into something more like a family - with joint trips to Ikea, ironing shirts, washing dishes, endless tenderness, followed by the same endless irritation. There is no secularism - just pure role models and emerging feelings of strange consistency and strange functionality.

And after countless years of our “family life,” one hungover July morning, between the first and second sandwiches, Roberto suddenly decided that it was time to tell me that very news. Did our family fall apart after this? Not at all. I was smart enough not to hang the whole burden of my unrequited loves and unjustified expectations on him; he had enough love and tenderness to prevent me from doing this. After meditating in the corners for three days, we plunged into a completely new plane of relationships called “frankness,” and thanks to it, our “family boat” turned from an unfinished schooner with a holey bottom into a strong longboat without speculation, misunderstandings and repressed grievances.

Friend-lover

And then he appeared. Well, Alejandro, of course, who else?! In leather shorts and with a whip, yeah. He was completely indecently similar to the very prince from that very novel, which I ironically called “a plan for life.” And I turned out to be somehow surprisingly similar to the same princess who was replaced in his fairy tales by princes with pumped up torsos. Only he forgot to warn me about this plot detail, so we immediately and decisively became intertwined in a tight tangle of strange, confusing relationships. Flirting, mutual interest, more flirting, and then another coming out and the decision to switch to strong boyish friendship. Yeah, with night walks along the embankment, daily correspondence until dawn, lyrical sms included 50 per day and... a complete absence of sex, as has become our custom. He fed me soup, wrote me touching meaningless letters, jumping out of his boyfriend’s bed, gave me old jeans from his master’s shoulder and laughed very caustically at my awkward attempts to get into a pose - in a way that only I could laugh at myself before. Formally, this whole story was called friendship and was not going to be called anything else. And neither we ourselves nor any of the outside observers fully understood what it really was.

ALL THE TENDERNESS WILL GET YOU. BUT DON'T EXPECT SEX.

Together

Having stepped onto the field of Latin American passion, I was faced with very interesting manifestations of the gay environment.

DESPERATE JEALOUSY- the first skill, more developed than the ability to speak beautifully and gently stroke the hand. Moreover, they will be jealous not of the men you sleep with (nobody cares about them here), and not of your girlfriends (everyone here likes them), but (which is natural) of their own kind. The sense of possessiveness and Napoleonic ambitions will play out on this field with unexpected force - from caustic (and often fair) comments about rivals to sex with these same rivals. Perhaps even you will have a passionate night with such a gay man, inflamed with jealousy - not because he really wants you, but simply because it is important for him to put a black mark on you, which will immediately provide him with a “special position” among others.

MANIPULATION- skill two. Of course, because Fernando not only had to divide his honorable role into three, he also found himself in the third cast - neither you have that frantic drive that connected us with Alejandro, nor the root germination that was with Roberto. Fernando chose an excellent manipulation scheme, introducing into our friendship a cloud of half-hints of a ménage, a trois, in which there certainly is a certain gay boy, a complex young man undecided in his preferences, and a confused girl who happened to be nearby. The stories for three, fortunately, did not progress beyond the blue screen and conversations, but the aftertaste definitely remained.

And finally PARANORMAL EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS. The very ties that usually bind lovers to each other are closer and more painful than friendly ones, stronger and richer. They are very real and will certainly lead you into a painful dead end. In the case of a gay man, you will get all this emotional intensity along with a bonus set of midnight reflections and the complete feeling that you are no closer to this person. Because, whatever one may say, the story of the relationship between two boys is most often a story about sex. At the most, it’s about falling in love. But it’s extremely rare about real emotional intimacy. What can you expect from two men (and the male ego in gay men is not inferior in scope to the “straight” one), when even in a “man-woman” pair it is not always possible to achieve this same emotional intimacy. All the unspent tenderness and the irresistible desire to be truly close to someone will go to you. But don't expect sex.

And yet

No one knows how to be friends like they do - friendship that is not like an agreement “you give me, I will give you”, friendship in which there is a heat that gives the feeling that everything else is compromises, friendship that is separated from real relationships by only a mere trifle - a dash in the “sex” column. And this is an excellent opportunity to practice highly spiritual love, from which the tea cry “I am!” is completely excluded. I! I! Want! Want! I want!”, and become wise and enlightened. C

1. Tender family

The strong friendship of Aglaya and Arseny logically grew into the format of living together. However, this is not at all what you thought.

Aglaya, 23: I was lucky because in my relationship with Arseny there was no immediate sexual connotation. At first we worked together for a long time and with pleasure, staying until 11 pm in an empty office and singing the duet Je t’aime by Lara Fabian. Then they excitedly became friends. And then they realized that they had probably become the closest people to each other. On this wave, the decision to move in together was the most reasonable, especially since neither he nor I were in a relationship and at the same time wanted to save money on renting an apartment.

We have a very special credit of trust, and we forgive each other things for which we would not forgive anyone. How does our life together change us? I will kick anyone for homophobia, Senya watches films with my favorite actresses. I bake pies for Senya’s friends, he vainly calls my (our) dog to order.

The funniest episode of our happy life was this: having sent my one night stand out, I, in a fit of temporary amnesia, with disheveled hair and wrapped in a light green blanket, knocked on the Seine’s door. “Bunny,” I said, “don’t you remember his name? Vova or Seryozha? “Vova,” answered Senya, without taking his eyes off the laptop. Very family-like.

Arseniy, 29: Yes, Aglaya and I are more than friends. We are a family, with all the obligations that entails. I had neither sisters nor nieces, and a purely female model of behavior for me is like an open book: you always read something new, hidden between the lines. Aglaya is a real girl - sensual, very vulnerable, a true dreamer, but at the same time with a manic passion for planning. Only in her company am I real. Exactly the way I never appear in public—without masks and antics. The only thing that is not and will not be in her plans is the desire to declare me the man of her dreams. For which I thank her very much. Because friendships with romantic overtones often end in failure. Sometimes girls who are in love with gay men overestimate their capabilities and are convinced that a man who prefers men, suddenly - oops! - and their body will want it. This is a fiction, which, even if it becomes reality, takes on very perverted forms. And that leads to a sad ending.

2. Strong masculine

This text unexpectedly caused a strong reaction in our editorial office. And Yana Chernushchenko shared her opinion:

You can and should fall in love with gay men if you have a boring job, have absolutely nothing to do, or want to quickly lose weight. True, along with a fun pastime comes an absolutely squandered sense of self-esteem if, God forbid, you don’t keep your nature in check.

Like, for example, lawyers, students or Chinese, gays are different. Their harmless hobby does not in any way affect their human qualities. I probably know fifty gay people, but only half of them are nice people, and only a couple are truly friends. And they often behave better than many straights. They can fight for me, they always give me a hand and open doors, give me flowers, even carry me in their arms (usually after drinking heavily) and, most importantly, they truly admire female beauty. Straight men have a consumerist attitude - like it or like it, I want it or not, but she, by the way, is younger... And they, the uninterested people, see the most important things. And most importantly, over the years they won’t get tired of you, your friendship will only become stronger!

3. Replaces the real one?

Our consultant, psychologist Veronika Rudikova, added to the topic of concern to many and, in general, put an end to the discussion:

Friendship is one of the most mysterious and amazing phenomena. The feeling of spiritual kinship is either there or not. Neither gender, nor sexual orientation, nor other personality traits matter. However, often under the guise of friendship hides a whole series of neurotic mechanisms that we are not aware of and which we lose over and over again in relationships with our friends. This is why we again and again encounter specific types of people and get involved in the cycle of the same relationships with the same dynamics and ending. Friendship with the opposite sex, who is sexually inaccessible, can easily turn out to be a type of this psychological game. Very often, close relationships cause a lot of fears, prohibitions, and prejudices. This applies to intimacy, emotional openness, and taking responsibility for relationships. A gay friend in this case is the best option for a girl who is not ready for a close relationship. A man who feels subtly, sincerely gives compliments and at the same time does not demand more, becomes an ideal substitute for a real connection. He is an absolutely safe object with whom you can live the whole range of romantic experiences, while remaining at a distance. Even when these relationships are presented as “I can change him” or presented as “I’m just curious...”, behind this there is always a withdrawal from adult intimate life. Nothing prevents us from being free to choose friends. But where there are games, even unconscious ones, there is no friendship. Such relationships only drag us into a distorted world of experiences and hopes. We're just using each other to hide from ourselves.

Masha Rubinstein
PHOTO: REX FEATURES/FOTOBANK.RU