You want to be right or happy. "Do you want to be right or happy?" An expression that will make you happy. Training the ability to be wrong
It is hardly possible to say for sure who was the first to say or write this phrase. It is aphoristic - bright, capacious, in a certain sense unexpected and paradoxical. But at the same time it may seem too vague and raise serious questions.
- Why, in fact, are we asked to choose between “truth” and “happiness”? Why did they suddenly find themselves on the same list on opposite sides of the barricades?
- Are those who are happy always wrong, that is, see the world distorted?
- Do those who see the world correctly always remain unhappy?
- How to choose what is better - to be happy BUT wrong, or right BUT unhappy?
- And in general, is it necessary to choose just one? Is it really impossible to be both right and happy at the same time?
- What happens if you want to defend your rightness and give up your dreams of happiness?
- And if you choose to be happy, will you have to say goodbye to the dream of being right, that is, seeing the world in the right way?
I think these are all good questions. They are at least worth thinking about. And, as they say, there are such good questions that do not need to be spoiled by answers. I would like to suggest that you take a break from these questions for now and look in a different direction. “Being right” and “being happy” are two different attitudes, two approaches to communication, to relationships with people. Let's see what each of these positions gives to those who choose them and consistently adhere to them.
What does it mean to be right?
“Being right” means having your own point of view on the world and uncompromisingly defending it. What could such a position refer to? Yes to anything! One can, for example, defend the correctness of Einstein's vision of reality or argue with his general theory of relativity. You can firmly believe in the truth of dialectics or wage a merciless struggle with dialectics. You can consistently adhere to a logical, rational approach to reality or declare that “only the heart sees the truth” and you should rely only on emotions. So, the content of beliefs and convictions in this case does not matter much, it is only important to have a point of view and be a consistent adherent of it.
Is it good to live like this? Obviously yes. This position usually evokes sympathy and respect from others. But there are also difficulties. How is this position implemented in relationships? A person gets used to openly expressing his point of view and defending it. If your partner doesn’t object for one reason or another, everything is fine, you can happily continue communicating. It’s much worse when your partner disagrees on something. In this case, sometimes serious battles unfold. And how can they not expand if it is important for everyone to be right!
These fights usually end ambiguously. Someone eventually has to give in - there is not enough time or energy, the “will to win” is not so significant. But the aftertaste from the defeat remains, and with it the desire to win back next time, to be more persistent and to defend that we are right (we remember that this is important). This means the next battle is just around the corner!
As a result, it often turns out that all communication, all relationships of these people come down to fights with short breaks between them. It is very easy to imagine spouses who constantly argue, each defending his rightness. Everything is used - logic, violent emotions, irony and sarcasm, mutual accusations of stupidity or maliciousness. As we know, people are best at what they practice regularly. And these spouses regularly practice conflicts! They are so busy with this that there is no time left for anything else: the pleasure of being together, pursuing hobbies, and even sex. In general, there is not enough time for happiness in the broad sense of the word.
What does it mean to be happy?
And now we can talk about another approach, when “happiness” is above “truth”. What kind of happiness are we talking about in this case? Basically about the same thing - about the joy and pleasure of being together, of a calm, interesting pastime, of tender and romantic communication with attention and care for each other. For such relationships to develop, you need to devote time to them and, if possible, free them from conflicts.
This is achieved by the fact that a person, choosing between the opportunity to have a good time with his partner and the opportunity to argue to his heart's content about the rights and wrongs of each other, chooses the first. In this case, of course, you can (and should) express your point of view and indicate that you are right. But at the same time, there is no need to fight for it, to force another person to admit this very rightness. This is precisely what “it is better to be happy than to be right” in this case. We can say that in such relationships each participant is right. In my own way and for myself. It is not necessary to establish a specific individual right as the law in a relationship.
As we see, the point here is not at all about some kind of truth, not about rightness, not about a person’s conviction that he is right. The point is how to use this rightness. How to play this card, so to speak. It's a matter of choosing between fighting for the right to be right and abandoning this battle in favor of peace and happiness. The problem with a battle is that no matter who wins it, the relationship between people will be a loser.
It seems like everything is put in its place? Everything became clear - there is no need to insist on your own, you need to give in to your partner, you need to support any of his illusions and delusions, whatever they may be! Isn't that an interesting conclusion? Well, of course, everything is not so simple in life. And constant concessions and all sorts of illusions can be very harmful! But there is still no single recipe for a happy life for all spouses. And by the way, what is this about again? Yes, it’s all about the same thing: being right is good, but happiness always requires a more subtle and deep approach.
Obviously, the conversation is becoming more and more complex and ambiguous, we will continue it next time!
Likes to ask clients one simple question:
-Do you want to be right or be happy?
The problem with many people is that in practice they choose to be right. Even if this draws them into conflict, even if because of this they lose a lot of energy and time, they so want their opponent, partner, child or spouse to admit that they are right, that they destroy the relationship without noticing it.
This can manifest itself anywhere - in a dispute on an Internet forum, in business, in the family, at school... A “fighter for truth” is, in principle, not ready to admit that he is wrong (or even that his opponent Same was right in his own way), so he will repeat again and again, prove, bore, again return his opponent to a dispute that has not interested him for a long time... and all this just for the sake of hearing the words: "You were right and I was wrong".
Moreover, he needs this victory so much that he won’t stand up to the price. Let a friend turn into an enemy, let a business fall apart, let a family collapse - but they! must! admit it! what am I! right!
- By the way, an argument with such an interlocutor can take an infinite amount of your time. The “fighter for truth” is simply unable to stop until they either admit he is right or remove him from the site. Therefore, I try not to argue with such people, and if I see that a similar situation arises on my blog, I warn them (which, however, helps extremely rarely), and the second time I blacklist them for life. And I advise you to do the same - otherwise even one such debater can turn any topic into a squabble, and even drag you into it.
-Do you want to be right or make money?
And if it is more important for you to be right, it would be better for you to leave business, study to become a lawyer and go to work in the prosecutor's office.
Just as the “fight for truth” can ruin a family and quarrel between a husband and wife or parents with children, it can also ruin a business and quarrel a supplier with a client or business partners with each other.
And the most absurd thing here is that the reason for the dispute usually does not play a role at all. I have encountered a situation where a client with orders worth millions was lost due to a heated dispute over five hundred rubles, and a situation where a strategic partnership between a large manufacturer and a federal retail chain fell apart due to complete nonsense - not even because of money , but only because of the leader’s emotions.
Therefore, if you notice such behavior in yourself, I would like to invite you to ask yourself: "Do you want to be right or make money?"
And if you choose money, learn to monitor this behavior and learn to stop. Learn to ask yourself questions "Is this really important to me?" And "Is it worth it?" Learn to ask yourself: "What do I want to achieve in this situation?"
And spend your time and energy on making money - not on being right.
P.S. I also invite you to my VIP seminar “Explosive Profit Growth”, which takes place only once a year. If you want to double your business's bottom line in 90 days or less,
- October 7, 2018
- Life style
- Liliya Ponomareva
To move through life, a person needs guidelines. You need to understand what is bad and what is good, what is correct and what is misleading. At some point, the world is divided into white and black, and in order to notice the undertones, you need to step back and look from a different point of view. A logical question arises: “Do you want to be right or happy?”
Understanding the importance of another opinion
Sometimes it seems that the point is clear, that someone has acted unfairly. After receiving additional information, it becomes obvious that the person could not have acted differently. The realization comes that life is multifaceted and full of surprises. There is an understanding that if a person did exactly that, then he definitely had reasons for it. Before you judge him, you should ask yourself what is more important, being happy or being right. After all, showing injustice to others makes it difficult to be happy.
However, to accept the world in all its diversity, you need a developed worldview, a psyche capable of perceiving the world as it is. The ability not to judge people, not to prove that one is right, but simply to be happy, respecting the right of others to live the way they want, characterizes a mature, full-fledged personality. A formed harmonious personality will not prove anything to anyone, because he knows that everything comes to a person when he is internally ready for it.
Someone may wake up in the morning and suddenly realize that his family loves him sincerely, and the manifestation of the brightest feelings is not always in words. Life often plays a cruel joke when people, proving someone’s guilt, condemning someone, find themselves in a similar situation a little later. The same object is turned the other way, showing all its sides, making one feel the unacceptability of categorical opinions. A person has the right to be happy and live as he sees fit.
Pathological rejection of someone else's truth
There is a category of people who are incapable of perceiving another point of view. Constant disputes, active proof of correctness and the unacceptability of another opinion indicate a pathology of mental perception of reality. Such people do not recognize the right of everyone to be happy, making their own demands on everyone.
Although rightness in itself is a paradox, because it is based on the subjective perception of a particular person and cannot exist in principle. But a person, proving that he is right, feels superior to others, succumbing to the fear of being wrong, wounded and imperfect. At the same time, he forgets that it is much better to be happy than to be right. Disputes and condemnations take away a share of peace and happiness from life.
Confirmation error
The desire to be right in all aspects is based on inadequacy complexes. The point here is not deception, but the principles of the brain, which is designed in such a way that it manipulates arguments to prove its beliefs. "Do you want to be right or happy?" - this question does not arise in the presence of pathology.
A person sees first of all what he believes in or what he wants to believe in. This phenomenon is called the term “confirmation bias” and is based on the fact that the basic principle of perception is the search for facts that confirm an existing system of attitudes, and not the search for new opinions that can destroy existing stereotypes.
The Basics of the Habit of Being Right
Psychologists see the root of everything in culture, when from childhood the opinion is instilled that only stupid people make mistakes. Next, a person strives to avoid mistakes, not realizing that it is in the process of life, and not the fear of making mistakes, that the most valuable experience is acquired, which makes it possible to achieve goals and make dreams come true. In fact, whoever is happy is right.
Stages of developing the habit of being right
The formation of a pathological desire for rightness goes through the following stages:
- a person is wrong and does not have the courage to admit it even to himself;
- there is an awareness of error under the influence of other people’s arguments;
- denial of wrongness and search for justifying arguments.
At the last stage, a person may come out of an argument nominally right, but deep down in his heart he will know that this is not so. This situation hurts pride and ego no less, adding a feeling of deception of others and oneself.
Tools of Rightness
The writer K. Schultz, the author of a book about the phenomenon of rightness, identifies the following arguments for defending rightness to oneself, most often used by consciousness that does not want to destroy established stereotypes and perceive another point of view to the detriment of its own pride:
- Ignorance of others (a belief arises about the low level of education and experience of other people, the lack of some important information, which is the reason for their opinion). In this case, peace sets in, the person no longer doubts that he is exceptionally right, trying to explain to others their mistakes.
- Incorrect judgments of others, their low mental abilities (with the same information environment, others do not see the most important thing, there is a feeling that they are not able to understand the situation due to the lack of information processing abilities, a logical conclusion is drawn that people with low mental abilities are mistaken) .
- Maliciousness of others (confidence that others also know the truth, but try to denigrate the opponent due to malicious intent).
As can be seen from the listed arguments, they all relate to the people around them. There is an opinion that the desire to be right is a sign of a vulgar mind. This is partly true, because only a high level of self-awareness can make you doubt yourself, ask the question “do you want to be right or happy?”
The danger of perfectionism being right
By accepting the fact that everyone is a living person and has the right to make their own decisions, a person takes himself to a new level of knowledge of himself and the world. The new level is based not on the right to make mistakes, but on the absence of the right to judge what is right and what is wrong.
Objectivity is an illusion that people have created to bring at least apparent order to life. But she has insidious qualities. The desire for perfectionism reduces human behavior to a narrow framework, regulated from all sides.
This state of affairs closes the way to constant development, which is the basis of the universe. The law of philosophy “everything flows, everything changes” applies to everything around. Science, technology, political and literary thought, fashion, culture - all these areas went through many stages of development. One rightness replaced another, thereby moving the development of society. To take a revolutionary step forward, it was necessary to break the existing system of stereotypes; this was painful, with sacrifices and suffering, but all life is in this development and movement.
The same thing happens to a person when he accepts the world with its imperfections and allows it to develop, evolving with it.
The Advantage of Being Wrong
Awareness of one's own wrongness and recognition of one's right to search for the truth together with others requires practical effort.
Being wrong has a number of advantages:
- awareness of oneself as a human;
- recognition of one's imperfections and thus getting rid of the pressure of social and internal stereotypes;
- awareness of one’s shortcomings and adequate self-esteem, the ability to work on oneself and develop;
- formation of a worldview of understanding the world, improvement and learning, building a priority for self-development rather than reputation.
Training the ability to be wrong
Do you want to be right or happy? Everyone chooses the answer for themselves. If you want to be happy, you need to learn to give up eternal rightness.
Only a brave, self-sufficient person can admit that he is wrong. It is much more difficult for people with complexes and worldview disorders to accept their imperfections and look openly at their shortcomings and fears. Given the fact that being wrong is a skill, it is therefore trainable.
The following techniques will help you develop the ability to adequately perceive the world with all its advantages and disadvantages:
- lose an argument - entering into an argument and deliberately losing it will help to recognize the right to the existence of another point of view, to experience the versatility of the world and opinions;
- support another point of view;
- accept an alien opinion as the truth - look at the world for a while through the eyes of an opposing opinion, looking for confirmation of it in surrounding events;
- prioritize compassion over being right in dealing with others;
- open up to other opinions, change your own, which will not be a betrayal of yourself, but will mark personal growth.
Do you want to be right or happy?
This is the first question I will ask you when you take your place in my office.
I will continue to amaze you with my stupidity, asking it again and again....
I'm very boring and monotonous)))!
And my thoughts are about peace between Happiness and justice.
Well, or between humility and pride....
And this is all based on my last couple of groups: algorithm and marathon.
So about humility and pride.
I assume that many at this point yawned and reached out for the “mouse” - there is no interest in reading about these “church” words.
Religion is alien to me personally.
I am closer to vulgar materialism both because of my Soviet upbringing, and in my first, natural science, education (biology-chemistry), and in my profile of activity.
I understand these words - pride and humility - not as religious (Orthodox, Muslim, Jewish or Buddhist) concepts, but as universal human categories and psychotherapeutic tools.
I encounter these categories (pride-humility) at every training, at every family and individual consultation. By and large, any family quarrel, any showdown, and even just a statement can be attributed to a manifestation of pride or humility.
This is not what they should have done;
-I was tricked;
-My husband does everything wrong;
-My mother always thinks that I am wrong;
-I should have told him this.
etc., etc., etc....
In response to such descriptions, I always ask the question: do you want to be right or happy?
Rightness, the search for justice, the desire to win are the essence of the expression of pride.
The feeling of happiness belongs to another category - humility.
“Humility” is to be “with the world” in one dimension, in one rhythm, in one matrix, if you like.
Not in the context of good and evil, but in the context of worldview, belonging to the world.
Humility, in my understanding, is a kind of universal tool, the key to solving any problem.
A key that can lead beyond justice, rightness, victory, and thus rise above conflict.
If any conflict, for example, blacks with whites, is raised up to the level of universal human values, then it loses its meaning.
Conflict involves the opposition “we, whites, are good, they, blacks, are bad.” Who are "we? People. And they? People. We love children and want to be happy, what about them? They love children and want to be happy.
There is no opposition at this level. At the level of the question “Who am I?” The “us-them” conflict disintegrates.
In psychology, this is called outframing—to go beyond the conflict into a broader framework.
At the risk of sounding overly religious, let me suggest that God is beyond conflict, because his scope is much wider than ours!
The paradigm of clash, struggle, conflict, comparing oneself with others (no matter for better or worse) is pride.
People agree that clashes between nations and racial strife are explained by national and racial pride (pride).
Pride is the strongest motivator for achievement. So is there something stronger, more important, more valuable than achievements?
But any dictionary will tell you that pride is the opposite of humility.
They sit in front of me - disheveled, confused, offended, and each is waiting for me to explain to the other that he is wrong. They pull me like a rope. Both have their reasons: he could be less pedantic and boring, and she could be less careless and scattered. They, as in the life that brought them to me, put forward demands on each other and immediately step over them. It seems that they are trying to come to an agreement by covering their own ears and the other’s mouth. And I think: “Guys, do you want to be right or happy?”
Each couple embroiders their own stories of discord on this canvas, putting the family on the brink of collapse. My task is not to reconcile or separate, but to help make a choice not rashly, to understand the situation in such a way as to make a decision that is suitable for both, which they can and will find necessary to make. What exactly it will be, I don’t know, and it’s none of my business. My job is for the conflict to at least cost them less blood, and at the maximum, for them to find in themselves and their relationships something that will make them allies in preserving or ending the marriage.
The first thing that catches your eye is the attempts to remake the other. Their common problem is the knowledge of what is “bad” in others, and a very weak idea of what “good” is and should be. This knowledge is perceived by others as rejection and causes defensive resistance. But even let’s say that the husband stopped lying in front of the TV with a can of beer in his hands and started cooking - will this suit his wife or will she rebel against this invasion of her clearing? And will this rebellion lead to him turning to all-season fishing as a “legal” escape from home?
If you scrape together the knowledge that something is “bad” in another, under it very often you find things that have nothing to do with the other and very often are simply not realized. Here the wife discourages her husband from one game, he tolerates it for a while and plunges into another, and so on all their lives. She is afraid that he will become a “player,” as she reads, an “addict,” and it will destroy him. At some point he says: “The toys are taking him away from me” - there is alarm in his voice. I ask: “Are you scared?” She immerses herself for a while, and then remembers: she was four years old when her newborn sister died and at the funeral she found herself at the table with a white bag with some red spots “right in front of her nose at eye level.” Tears in my eyes: “It was horror, physical panic, I didn’t understand anything. Until I was 30, I avoided any funerals - I started to shake. It’s scary when something takes a person and I can’t control it, I can’t defeat death.” And following these words, the tension disappears from the face and body: “I turned my face to fear. Don’t look at me crying, the tears are just flowing, but I feel good and calm, and let him have his toys.” Or the classic problem of an alcoholic’s wife: she got him to quit, and when she sends him on vacation, she puts a check in her suitcase - they say, you can’t stand it, so here it is for you, and no more!” Rest, naturally, breaks into binge drinking. Her dad was very dry and strict, and only became affectionate after drinking.
I’m not saying that behind all the discord in a couple there are such deep psychological problems, but that it makes sense to try to look for the origins of dissatisfaction with the other not only in him, but also in yourself. If one grew up in a family where order and cleanliness were valued above all else, and the other in a family where emotional connections and friendship were in the foreground, then the first will not be happy when he finds a herd of friends tearing up the house, and the second when he comes to a licked empty house. And you need to somehow get used to it and agree, giving yourself and others the opportunity and joy to change.
This succeeds if both understand that the other was not “harmful,” but expressed love. And there is no other way to help you adapt than through relationships. Psychologists say that 10–15% of the success of interaction depends on the properties of people, and the remaining 85–90% in relationships. It’s stupid to shout: “If I invented you, become the way I want you to be” - you will shout all your life or get tired, change your partner and shout to him. And there is neither truth nor happiness in this.
