The relationship with the guy is not developing. What to do if the relationship is not developing? Routine and eternal boredom
We are accustomed to the fact that everything in our lives naturally moves forward: after graduating from school, we go to university, then find a permanent job, continue to improve ourselves by studying foreign languages or attending decoupage courses. We don’t want to stand still at all and we expect the same from a relationship with our beloved man - development. How great is our disappointment when a connection that should only become stronger and brighter suddenly freezes: neither here nor there.
Relationships “freeze” for various reasons and at different stages. Some people don’t even move from harmless flirting to a serious relationship, while others are stuck at the “happy together” stage, but have no intention of getting married. At first, such a “freeze” may not even alert you, but sooner or later you will think: “Why aren’t we moving forward? Perhaps there is something wrong with us? Before jumping to hasty conclusions and making a serious decision about breaking up, let's look at the reasons for the “freezing” of relationships.
Harmless flirting and nothing more
You periodically meet an interesting man in a cafe or at work, make eyes at each other, exchange a few words, but, unfortunately, things don’t go further. And you would really like to get a little closer, you really like him, but neither of you takes a step towards him.
Why is this happening?
As a rule, the impossibility of rapprochement in this case is explained by two reasons: the reluctance and fear of either party to enter into a serious relationship and external circumstances. With the first, everything is clear - past negative experience, uncertainty that this person is suitable for the role of the second half, or a passion for collecting hearts lead to the fact that the flirt tries with all his might not to cross the line he himself has outlined. As for external circumstances, everything is a little more complicated with them. For example, in a big city, when people living in different parts of it are equated almost to aliens, some would prefer to remain single than to start a relationship with someone to whom they will have to travel for several hours to visit. In general, housing, career and other issues sometimes still prevail over feelings.
Love is love, but life is apart
We are talking about adults whose relationships cannot move beyond the “walk, cafe, cinema” stage. It would seem that you have been dating for quite a long time and not always on neutral territory: sometimes he stays overnight at your place, and sometimes you spend the weekend in his apartment - but there is no talk of moving in together.
Why is this happening?
There are several reasons, and they all have a right to exist, although they may seem far-fetched to some.
1. Lack of opportunity to live together. Probably, one of the partners lives with their parents, and we are not talking about “over-aged children”: an elderly mother and father may simply require care due to illness. Or, for example, a woman rents an apartment closer to work and does not want to move in with her loved one and then have to spend a long time getting to her office. It doesn't matter what exactly prevents you from living together. The important thing is that, as adults, you feel like teenagers forced to meet on a bench in the park.
Protecting their personal space, they unwittingly put a full stop where they could have put a comma.
2. Fear of everyday problems. Many couples consciously refuse to live together, explaining their decision by saying that dirty laundry, runaway milk and socks scattered in corners will kill feelings in the first month. Such partners tend to choose a guest marriage, although they do not always feel like a full-fledged couple.
3. Fight for personal space. Adults, accustomed to living alone, are very jealous of their personal space. The opportunity to sit at home in complete silence and arrange things on the shelves in the closet exactly the way they want is a real idea fix for those who value their own “I” much more than “we.” As a result, protecting their personal space, they unwittingly put a full stop where they could have put a comma.
“Why get married? And we live so well"
This is how most couples who have lived together for years explain their reluctance to go to the registry office. It would seem that what prevents people from legitimizing relationships? They already fall asleep and wake up in the same bed, go to their parents together for the weekend and make far-reaching plans, but they don’t agree to a stamp in their passport. It is quite difficult to say that in this case the relationship is also “frozen”. Some people are really happy with this state of affairs, and they don’t need anything else. But when one of the partners passionately wants to tie the knot, and the other is opposed, then we can already talk about some problems.
Why is this happening?
In this case, we are driven by fear and uncertainty. Moreover, both of these can seriously prevent us from building a strong family.
1. “I’m not sure that it’s him.” Some women openly say that they are comfortable living with a certain man, but they are not going to marry him for one simple reason - they are not sure that he is “the one.”
2. Having burned yourself with milk... If one of the partners has already had to go through a painful divorce, then it is quite understandable why now he is in no hurry to put a new stamp in his passport. In this case, people prefer to live under one roof and always remember that they have the opportunity to leave, slamming the door, and not think about the unpleasant paperwork.
What to do if the relationship is “frozen”?
It is certainly worth trying to revive them. It is much easier to break than to build, and, unfortunately, most people prefer not to make an effort to preserve feelings, and then cry in their ruins. Don’t be foolish if your relationship at some point stops developing, try to bring something new into it, try to look at your partner with different eyes - for example, a girl who saw him for the first time in the crowd. If you understand that he still gives you warm feelings, then do everything possible to take the relationship to a new stage. Stay together and always strive forward.
According to most psychologists, relationships between loving people are always a dynamic process that has its own stages. As the psychologist notes Yana Leikina, the life of any couple can be divided into socio-economic, formal periods (that is, “met”, “moved in together”, “got married”) and meaningful, psychological ones.
And here we often mislead ourselves, assessing the success of our personal lives not from the emotional and sensual side, but on the basis of what worries our mothers, girlfriends and even neighbors so much - “he made an offer or didn’t”, “gave a gift or didn’t give,” “confessed his love or didn’t confess,” and so on.
“Previously, families were created for economic reasons, to survive. Now the values have changed, and it is important for any couple to go through the stages of not formal consolidation of relationships, but socio-psychological ones,” the specialist emphasizes.
Yana Leikina identifies three mandatory stages of a full-fledged relationship: “falling in love”, “friendship” and “true love”. Conventionally, each of them lasts about three years. And for a couple to develop, it is important for spouses to fulfill the psychological tasks of each period. If partners begin to “slip,” then the relationship gradually breaks down.
Love
This is perhaps the most exciting, unnerving and at the same time the most serene stage of a relationship. You idealize each other, do not notice shortcomings and want one thing - to merge into one whole. “In a state of love, a couple is controlled by “chemistry”, hormones. They constantly want to be together,” notes Yana Leikina.
Ideally, after three years of this fairy tale, the hormonal levels gradually return to normal, giving way to other, more mature forms of intimacy. Well, if the couple is not ready to move on, “rotten rot” appears in the relationship.
Signs of a jam:
— Pathological jealousy. Not only to the opposite sex, but also to relatives and friends.
— Blurred personal boundaries. You do not give each other freedom, do not separate your desires from the desires of your loved one
— Sexual disharmony.
— Partner rejection - his habits, manner of speaking, laughing, and so on.
— Frequent, protracted scandals over trifles.
— Inability to be a couple in society. You haven’t introduced him to your family, and every outing in public turns into a quarrel.
What to do:
It is important to understand that your love is no longer in a vacuum and let “air” into it. Give yourself and your loved one freedom.
Friendship
As Yana Leikina notes, at this stage, partners are no longer so attached to each other, they have their own psychological space, where there is a place not only for their loved one, but also for friends, hobbies, and careers.
The most important achievement of this period is the emergence of common interests, values and goals. “Friendship is always a combination of common interests and freedom,” explains the psychologist.
If you were unable to become a team, then alienation appears in the relationship.
Signs of a jam:
— Lack of commonality- interests, hobbies, mutual friends. Each of you lives on your own.
— No quality communication. Conversations boil down to everyday life: “buy bread,” “when you return.”
— Accusations instead of support. You more often and more willingly play the role of critics and opponents of each other, rather than allies.
— Lack of joint plans — for vacations, weekends, and for life in general.
What to do:
Try to look at your partner through the eyes of an outsider: why is he interesting, what do colleagues or friends think about him, what would you like to do with him? Find common ground - after all, they are the ones, even you. Perhaps, without realizing it, they brought you together.
True love
As Yana Leikina notes, during this period, genuine, deep intimacy is formed between partners. “True love is the harmony of soul and body. At this stage, there is sexual attraction and a desire to touch each other and spend time together. If lovers don’t need anyone else, then loving spouses are open and will find a place for everyone,” the specialist comments.
Signs of a jam:
- Lack of sexual desire. You are too close friends to be sexually attracted to each other.
- Disunity. There is too much freedom in your couple and everyone is more passionate about their own interests than each other.
- Treason. The lack of strong emotions is compensated “on the side.”
What to do:
The main thing you lack for complete happiness is passion. Try to look at your loved one again as a sexual object. Use erotic fantasies, games, beautiful lingerie.
As the expert emphasizes, in all cases, focus not on external parameters, but on your needs and feelings. Ask yourself questions. Do I feel comfortable next to my loved one? What can I personally do for our relationship? Do I feel supported?
And if it turns out, for example, that it is really very important for you to be officially married, take the initiative and say so directly. As Yana Leikina notes, men in most cases simply do not attach such great importance to this moment. Naturally, for your girlfriends and mother you can always prepare a classic story about a ring on one knee, fireworks and rose petals.
Well, if you don’t feel the return from your partner and are “pulling” the relationship on yourself, then you should think: “Is this the right person next to me?”
Sex instead of love
The first option is that relationships are built not on love, but on sex. In this case, the relationship may not develop, because the guy does not see you as a person with whom he wants to build something, but only an object of desire. If you understand that only bed connects you with a man, then most likely you should not hope for the development of such a relationship. No matter how modern and liberated this world may be, if a man initially felt a sexual craving and immediately got what he wanted, but at the same time he did not develop sympathy and love, then in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred, the woman will become only a sexual object for the guy, with which he will have a good time with and which he will forget about as soon as he meets someone who he really likes.
Love destroys life
The second option is that a relationship with a man does not develop, because his feelings simply burned out. In this case, the woman needs to make sure that the young man shows interest in you again. Perhaps the reason that the guy began to cool down towards you is routine and everyday life. There are often cases when love burns out due to the fact that a girl relaxes, stops taking care of herself, is not interested in the life of a young man, and does not try to somehow diversify everyday life. In this case, if the guy still has feelings, you need to quickly change your behavior. Remember what the young man liked most about you, take the initiative, let him receive pleasant surprises from you. If you do everything right, then there is a high chance that the relationship will move forward.
Fear of feelings
The third option is fear. It happens that relationships between people do not develop due to the fact that the guy simply begins to be afraid of his emotions. This happens when a young man spends a long time pursuing a lady’s heart and finally gets it. Or when he begins to realize that he is losing his self-control because of his love for a woman. In this case, you should talk to your boyfriend, because it is known that all problems can be solved only if you talk about them. Therefore, let your young man honestly admit what bothers him, and you try to explain to him that his feelings will not bring him grief and you will try to do everything so that he does not doubt your love.
Big demands
The fourth option is that the relationship does not develop because the young man is disappointed. This happens in cases when a guy does a lot for the sake of a girl, changes, eradicates bad habits, gives up some principles, but over time, it seems to him that the woman does not appreciate these actions, and moreover, demands more and more. Therefore, if you really love a person and know that he is trying for you, stop demanding everything from him. Even if you are sure that you are doing it solely for his benefit. We should not forget that in the case when someone changes himself for the sake of another, without fully realizing the desire to change, in the end, it either breaks him or he breaks down. If you understand that the guy simply couldn’t stand the pressure and therefore leaves the relationship, try to show him how much you appreciate all his actions. But most importantly, emphasize that you love him despite the disadvantages that you notice and his advantages are much more important to you. If a loving person sees that he is accepted and understood, he will definitely develop the relationship further and try to become even better.
Hello! I am 26 years old. My boyfriend is also 26. He works, I’m finishing university. We are, as they say, two boots in a pair, both infantile and live with our parents.
We've been dating for 3.5 years. This is his first serious relationship. I had a boyfriend before him, but essentially there was nothing serious either.
At first, our meetings with the young man were infrequent; we met mostly once a week, sometimes on weekdays. We were both students, hanging out with friends and enjoying student life! In essence, the relationship was more reminiscent of friendship than love, we chatted a lot, got to know each other, made love, but at the same time we both had freedom of action and at that moment I didn’t need anything more.
But the years passed and after two years of relationship, when he graduated from university, I raised the topic of marriage for the first time, to which the young man, to my surprise, replied that he was already planning to propose to me. Then there was the summer, which he spent with relatives abroad, and in the fall he went to work and nothing changed in the relationship, but only got worse. He didn’t make any offer to me and I didn’t raise this topic again. We began to see him less and less, we began to quarrel more often, and for the first time thoughts about breaking up were heard. Then I finally tried to find out, what about the offer, why doesn’t he make it to me? Then he told me that I need another person who can give what I want, who can provide for me, but he cannot yet earn enough to support a family, and he himself does not know when he will be able to. Although I won’t say that he earned little. All he could offer me was to continue our relationship as it was before, if I still needed it. He is a good person, and besides, I know that he is not cheating on me, that he strives, in principle, to make money and is generally positive. Besides, I love him. And I decided that it was worth waiting for him, but I no longer wanted to leave my loved one.
But the desire to have a family became stronger and stronger, many girlfriends started families and had children. And I still continued my incomprehensible and even childish relationship. I still don’t know the guy’s parents; we have never lived together.
And now, after three years of relationship, I realized that they are standing still and not developing. All my attempts to somehow correct the situation do not lead to positive results. The guy refused the offer to live together, because... does not want to live in a “civil marriage”. He also doesn’t respond to my desire to meet his parents. All he currently offers me is to wait. He says he might be following. year he will save money and propose to me. As a matter of fact, it is not yet a fact that this will follow. year, and not after 3 or even 5 years. Because I noticed him that he talks a lot and does little.
Well, I’m just behaving terribly, constantly terrorizing him with the topic of marriage, one way or another all my conversations and discussions come down to this favorite topic. How well my friends live in marriage, what a wonderful child my friend has, how much I want all this, etc. I simply can’t not talk about this topic anymore, the boiling point has been reached and I’m only ruining our relationship with my whining.
And my question is, how can I calm down and live in peace, without talking about marriage with him at all and without bothering him with this topic? And I would also like to know if my boyfriend is messing with me, judging by his behavior, maybe I shouldn’t believe his words and talking about a proposal is just an attempt to keep me, but in fact he doesn’t need anything?
You and him. You have been dating for a long time, but he is a very busy person, he has a lot of worries and work, and therefore less often than he would like. Once or twice a month, at most, you go out to a restaurant or cafe, then, seized by impulses of mutual passion, you go to your place, spend a stormy night, and in the morning he kisses you tenderly and goes back to work for two weeks. No, he has not forgotten you, on the contrary, he is very attentive and gentle, he constantly calls, asks how your day went, talks about his day. And everything seems great. What a score! You have a great friend and lover!
But something is still not right. Somehow this all seems wrong to you. There is not the slightest attempt on his part to bring your relationship closer and continue at a deeper level. And you have already dispersed, so to speak, all the men in anticipation of a stormy, successful romance. But romance is just stagnant. You never even quarrel, basically because you hardly see each other and there is nothing to complain about. And say directly, as a friend advised: “I love you. You me too. Let's live together!" you can not. Because by nature you are such a person that to say this is like death. However, you know perfectly well what you want: to fall asleep and wake up next to him. For a man to be with you every evening. Even if it is a civil marriage, without stamps in the passport, the main thing is that he is with you.
Get out of the vicious circle
You have a great character. You are tolerant, tactful, smart, beautiful, purposeful. It’s always interesting to be with you, there’s no shame in society and great in bed. Communicating with you is a real pleasure, easy and relaxed. You are perfect! Why disturb such harmony? You are happy with everything and do not ask for anything for this. Is everything exactly like that? No not like this. This means that you need to be able to stand up for yourself and turn the romance in the right direction yourself, since there is no action from your partner.
Become unpredictable, completely disrupt the usual rhythm of your relationship. A little inconsistency. So that he wakes up and finally begins to realize that not everything is so smooth.
For example, he calls you every evening after ten. Turn off your phone. One, two, three evenings in a row. What's happened? Yes, nothing special, there were all sorts of things.
Just take a short break. And everything is fine. Panic will begin. He will begin to sense that you are slipping away from his hands and nets. He's an intelligent person! What would an intellectual do in this situation? Increase your attention! After all, he likes you and doesn’t want to lose you! Everything will calm down a little, start again. Come up with something immediate that he doesn't expect. For example, after dinner at a restaurant you express that you are very sorry, but you cannot continue the banquet today, for example, an important meeting. Leave him in heavy thoughts.
Of course, after all this, he will ask what is happening to you. Haven’t you found someone else, have your feelings cooled? In other words, he himself will come to a serious conversation. But this is exactly what you need! And now you can calmly explain who you love and what your plans are for the future. If the end of the conversation does not suit you, you have every right to be offended. Give some kind of ultimatum. And either he accepts it or he doesn’t. And if he really loves you and doesn’t want to lose you, then he will have to accept it.
Risky, yes. But, as they say, those who don’t take risks don’t drink champagne!
