Life after a breakup. “Personal hell” or a new reality? Stages of separation, advice Stages of experiencing the loss of a relationship

This is life, and we cannot change its rules; sooner or later our companions will leave our lives.

This article consists of information collected from various sources - J. Teitelbaum, F. Vasilyuk, G. Whited. It examines the stages of separation from a psychological point of view. I believe that everyone should have this information, because breakups are an inevitable part of our lives. Sometimes, after a breakup, people do not understand what is happening to them, and bring themselves and their loved ones a lot of grief and destruction. They may feel their situation is hopeless and crazy, but in reality it is not.

Awareness and understanding of the reactions of our psyche can help in accepting ourselves and our feelings. This is important for overcoming difficult situations. With this information, we can gain the ability to support ourselves and ask for help from others when needed.

This article describes examples of how the stages of separation usually go. These stages and states are almost identical both when breaking up relationships and when parting with the dead. Extreme states are described here for a better understanding of these processes. The stages of grief can be experienced more or less intensely and even change places. I hope that this information will be useful to you.

I often see people going through a breakup withdrawing into themselves and feeling like they have to deal with it on their own. Based on my experience, I can say that often this position only aggravates the person’s condition and makes the separation process even more painful and lengthy. Why and for what purpose do you suffer like this?

To move through the phases of a breakup in a healthy way, it is very important to talk about your feelings and share that pain with someone else. This could be a relative, friend, psychologist, etc. In this state it may seem that no one cares about your experiences, but this is not true. In fact, there is always at least one person who can listen and support you!

The process of grieving in literary sources is often called the work of grief. This is, in fact, a lot of internal work, a huge mental labor of processing tragic events. So, grieving is a natural process necessary to mourn and let go of a loss. Conventionally, “normal” grief and “pathological” grief are distinguished.

Stages of normal grief

Normal grief is characterized by the development of experiences in several stages with a complex of symptoms and reactions characteristic of each.

The picture of acute grief is similar in different people. The normal course of grief is characterized by periodic attacks of physical suffering, spasms in the throat, episodes of choking with rapid breathing, a constant need to sigh, a feeling of emptiness in the stomach, loss of muscle strength, and intense subjective suffering described as tension or mental pain.

The stage of acute grief lasts about 4 months, conditionally including 4 of the stages described below. The duration of each stage is quite difficult to describe, due to their possible reciprocity throughout the entire process of grief.

1. Shock stage.

A tragic event causes horror, emotional stupor, detachment from everything that is happening, or, conversely, an internal explosion. The world may seem unreal. Time in the perception of the grieving person can speed up or stop, space can narrow.

A feeling of unreality of what is happening, mental numbness, insensibility, and deafness appears in a person’s consciousness. The perception of external reality becomes dulled, and then in the future, gaps often arise in the memories of this period.

The most pronounced features are: constant sighing, complaints of loss of strength and exhaustion, lack of appetite. Some changes in consciousness may be observed - a slight feeling of unreality, a feeling of increasing emotional distance from others ( “how can they smile, talk, go shopping when there is such pain”).

Typically, a complex of shock reactions is interpreted as a defensive denial of the fact of what happened, protecting the grieving person from confronting the loss in its entirety at once.

1. Stage of denial (search).

Characterized by disbelief in the reality of loss. A person convinces himself and others that “things will still change for the better”, that “he/she will be back soon” etc.

What is characteristic here is not the denial of the fact of loss itself, but the denial of the fact of the permanence of the loss.

At this time, it can be difficult for a person to maintain his attention in the outside world; reality is perceived as if through a transparent veil, through which the sensations of the presence of the departed often break through: a face in the crowd, similar to the departed person, when the doorbell rings, the thought may flash: it’s him /she. Such visions are quite natural, but they are frightening and are taken as signs of impending madness.

Consciousness does not allow the thought of loss, it avoids the pain that threatens destruction, and does not want to believe that its own life must now also change. During this period, life resembles a bad dream, and a person desperately tries to “wake up” to make sure that everything remains as before.

Denial is a natural defense mechanism that maintains the illusion that the world will change, following our “yes” and “no,” or, better yet, remain unchanged. But gradually the consciousness begins to accept the reality of loss and pain - as if the previously empty inner space begins to be filled with emotions.

1. Aggression stage.

It is expressed in the form of indignation, aggressiveness and hostility towards others. Blaming yourself, relatives or friends, etc.

Being at this stage of confrontation with loss, a person may threaten the “guilty” or, conversely, engage in self-flagellation, feeling guilty for what happened.

The bereaved person tries to find evidence in the events leading up to the loss that he/she did not do everything. He/she blames himself/herself for inattention and exaggerates the significance of his/her smallest mistakes. Feelings of guilt may be aggravated by the conflict situation before the breakup of the relationship.

The picture of experiences is significantly complemented by various reactions. Here are some of the possible experiences of this period:

• Sleep changes.
• Panic fear.
• Changes in appetite accompanied by significant weight loss or gain.
• Periods of unexplained crying.
• Fatigue and general weakness.
• Muscle tremors.
• Sudden mood changes.
• Inability to concentrate and/or remember.
• Changes in sexual desire/activity.
• Lack of motivation.
• Physical symptoms of suffering.
• Increased need to talk about the departed person.
• Strong desire to be alone.
• Or, on the contrary, immersion in constant meetings.
• Workaholism as a defense mechanism that helps to escape from feelings.
• Inability to work.
• Etc.

The range of emotions experienced at this time is also quite wide. The person experiences the loss acutely and has poor self-control. However, no matter how unbearable the feelings of guilt, feelings of injustice and impossibility of further existence may be - all this natural process of grieving loss. When anger finds its way out and the intensity of emotions decreases, the next stage begins.

1. Stage of depression (suffering, disorganization).

This is a time of longing, loneliness, withdrawal and deep immersion in the truth of loss. It is at this stage that most of the work of grief occurs, because a person has the opportunity to look for the meaning of what happened through depression and pain. There is an opportunity to stop, dive into yourself and rethink the value of your own life. Gradually let go of the relationship with the departed, forgiving him/her and yourself.

This is the period of greatest suffering, acute mental pain. Many difficult, sometimes strange and frightening feelings and thoughts appear. These are feelings of emptiness and meaninglessness, despair, a feeling of abandonment, loneliness, anger, guilt, fear and anxiety, helplessness. Typical are extraordinary preoccupation with the image of the departed and his/her idealization- emphasizing extraordinary advantages, avoidance of memories of bad traits and actions.

Memory, as if on purpose, hides all the unpleasant moments of a relationship, reproducing only the most wonderful ones, idealizing the departed. This process intensifies painful experiences. Often people suddenly begin to think how happy they really were and how much they did not appreciate it.

Grief also leaves its mark on relationships with others. Here there may be a loss of warmth, irritability, and a desire to retire.

Daily activities change. It can be difficult for a person to concentrate on what he is doing, it is difficult to complete the task, and complexly organized activities may become completely inaccessible for some time. Sometimes an unconscious identification with the deceased arises, manifested in involuntary imitation of his gait, gestures, and facial expressions.

In the acute grief phase, the mourner discovers that thousands and thousands of little things in his life are connected to the person who left his/her life. “He/she bought this book”, “he/she liked this view from the window”, “we watched this movie together”. Each of these details carries the consciousness into “there-and-then”, into the depths of the stream of the past, and one has to go through pain to return to the surface.

This is an extremely important point in grieving productively. Our perception of another person, especially a loved one with whom we have been connected through many life connections, his/her image, is saturated with unfinished joint affairs, unrealized plans, unforgiven grievances, unfulfilled promises. Working with these connecting threads is the meaning of the work of grief to rebuild the attitude towards the departed.

Paradoxically, the pain is caused by the griever himself. Phenomenologically, in an attack of acute grief, it is not the person who leaves us, but we ourselves leave him, break away from him, or push him away from ourselves. And this self-made separation, this own departure, this expulsion of the beloved: “Go away, I want to get rid of you...”- and watching how his image actually moves away, transforms, and disappears, and actually causes mental pain.

The pain of acute grief is the pain not only of decay, destruction and death, but also pain birth of a new one. The formerly divided existence is united here by memory, the connection of times is restored, and the pain gradually disappears.

The previous stages were associated with resistance, and the accompanying emotions were mainly destructive.

1. The stage of accepting what happened.

In literary sources (see J. Teitelbaum and F. Vasilyuk) this stage is divided into two:

1. Stage of residual shocks and reorganization.

At this phase, life returns to its groove, sleep, appetite, and professional activity are restored, and the departed ceases to be the main focus of life.

The experience of grief now occurs in the form of first frequent, and then increasingly rare individual tremors, such as occur after the main earthquake. Such residual attacks of grief may be as sharp as in the previous phase, and against the backdrop of normal existence are subjectively perceived as even more acute. The reason for them is often some dates, traditional events. “New Year for the first time without him/her”, “spring for the first time without him/her”, “birthday” or events of everyday life. “They offended, there is no one to complain to,” “a letter has arrived in his/her name.”

This stage usually lasts for a year. During this time, almost all ordinary life events occur and then begin to repeat themselves. The anniversary of separation is the last date in this series. Maybe this is why most cultures and religions allow one year for any separation.

During this period, the loss gradually fades out of life. Man has to cope with many new problems associated with material and social changes, and these practical problems are intertwined with the experience itself. During this period, people very often compare their actions with the moral standards of the deceased, with his/her expectations, with the “what would he/she say l". But gradually more and more memories appear, freed from pain, guilt, resentment and abandonment.

1. "Completion" stage.

The normal experience of grief that we are describing enters its final phase after about a year. The duration of the grief reaction is obviously determined by how successfully a person carries out the work of grief, that is, comes out of a state of extreme dependence on the deceased, re-adapts to the environment in which the lost person is no longer present, and forms new relationships.

The departure of a person who has generated intense hostility, especially hostility that has no outlet, can produce an intense grief reaction in which hostile impulses are most prominent. This happens, for example, after a relationship in which people could not, for one reason or another, openly express their grievances and complaints to each other.

It is not uncommon that if a person who played a key role in some social system leaves (in the family a man played the roles of father, breadwinner, husband, friend, protector, etc.), then his departure leads to the disintegration of this system and to drastic changes in life and social position of its members. In these cases, adaptation is a very difficult task.

One of the biggest obstacles to the normal functioning of grief is the often unconscious desire of the griever to avoid the intense suffering associated with the experience of grief and to avoid expressing the emotions associated with it. In these cases, “getting stuck” at any of the stages occurs, and painful grief reactions may occur.

Painful reactions of grief

Painful grief reactions are distortions of the “normal” grieving process.

Delay of reaction

If bereavement catches a person while solving some very important problems, or if this is necessary for moral support of others, he may have little or no notice of his grief for a week or even much longer. In extreme cases, this delay can last for years, as evidenced by cases where recently bereaved people are overwhelmed by grief for people who died or passed away many years ago.

Distorted reactions

May appear as superficial manifestations of an unresolved grief reaction. The following types of such reactions are distinguished:

1. Increased activity without a feeling of loss, but rather with a feeling of well-being and a zest for life. The person behaves as if nothing happened. It may manifest itself in a tendency to engage in activities close to what the deceased was doing at one time.
2. The appearance of symptoms of the deceased’s last illness in the grieving person.
3. Psychosomatic conditions, which primarily include ulcerative colitis, rheumatoid arthritis and asthma.
4. Social isolation, pathological avoidance of communication with friends and relatives.
5. Violent hostility against certain individuals. When expressing one's feelings sharply, almost never any action is taken against the accused.
6. Hidden hostility. Feelings become as if “numb”, and behavior becomes formal.

From the diary: “...I perform all my social functions, but it’s like a game: it doesn’t really affect me. I am unable to experience any warm feeling. If I had any feelings, it would be anger at everyone.”

1. Loss of forms of social activity. A person cannot decide on any activity. Lack of determination and initiative. Only ordinary everyday things are done, and they are carried out in a formulaic manner and literally step by step, each of which requires a lot of effort from a person and is devoid of any interest for him.
2. Social activity to the detriment of one’s own economic and social status. Such people give away their property with inappropriate generosity, easily indulge in financial adventures and end up without family, friends, social status or money. This extended self-punishment is not associated with a conscious feeling of guilt.
3. Agitated depression with tension, agitation, insomnia, feelings of unworthiness, severe self-recrimination and a clear need for punishment. People in this condition may attempt suicide.

The painful reactions described above are an extreme expression or distortion of normal reactions.

Flowing into each other in an increasing manner, these distorted reactions significantly delay and aggravate grief and the subsequent “recovery” of the grieving person. With adequate and timely intervention, they can be corrected and can transform into normal reactions, and then find their resolution.

Tasks of grief work

Passing through certain stages of experience, grief performs a number of tasks (according to G. Whited):

1. Accept the reality of loss, not only with your mind, but also with your feelings.
2. Experience the pain of loss. Pain is only released through pain. It means that the unexperienced pain of loss will sooner or later still manifest itself in any symptoms, in particular psychosomatic ones.
3. Create a new identity, that is, find your place in a world in which there are already losses.
4. Transfer energy from loss to other aspects of life. During grief, a person is absorbed in the departed. It seems to him that forgetting about him/her or stopping grieving is tantamount to betrayal. In fact, the opportunity to let go of one’s grief gives a person a feeling of renewal, spiritual transformation, and an experience of connection with one’s own life.

A person must accept the pain of loss. He must reconsider his relationship with the deceased and acknowledge the changes in his own emotional reactions.

His fear of going crazy, his fear of unexpected changes in his feelings, especially the appearance of a sharply increased feeling of hostility, all this must be processed. He must find an acceptable form of his further relationship to the departed. He must express his feelings of guilt and find people around him from whom he could take an example in his behavior.

Life after loss

A person’s emotional experience changes and is enriched during the development of personality as a result of experiencing crisis periods in life and empathy for the mental states of other people.

A person comes to understand that with the passing of a loved one, his own life has not completely lost meaning. It continues to have its value and remains just as meaningful and important despite the loss. A person can forgive himself, let go of resentment, accept responsibility for his life, courage for its continuation - there is a return to oneself.

Even the most difficult loss contains opportunity. By accepting the existence of loss, suffering, and grief in their lives, people become able to more fully experience themselves as an integral part of the universe, and live their own lives more fully.

Life is undoubtedly a beautiful and amazing thing and an excellent school for educating and changing yourself. But no matter what the adherents of positive thinking say, the lessons at this school are sometimes very difficult. It is difficult to find a woman who has not come into contact with loss and pain in her life. One of the most powerful experiences is parting with a loved one. Whatever the situation, we all, each at our own speed and nuances, go through certain stages when experiencing a breakup.

Stage one: “no”

The final point has been reached: this man is no longer in your life. We are experiencing a state of enormous stress, and the brain cannot yet digest the information received. Man is essentially a very conservative creature - this is especially true for women, who strive for stability more than men. And even if the relationship has long since cracked, many do not realize until the last moment that the end may one day come. Joint goals and plans, hopes, dreams, memories - all this is very precious and cannot disappear from our consciousness just like that. We find ourselves in a stupor and full of thoughts like “no, this can’t be, this is some kind of mistake, this can’t happen to me.” In terms of the strength of the effect, what we feel at this moment is similar to a sudden and very sharp turn on a high-speed highway or a blow to the head. And then the most interesting thing comes: the awareness of what is happening with all that it entails comes.

To support yourself during this stage, don't hesitate to ask for help and share your feelings. During the period of denial, I really want to find a lot of evidence that what happened is just a mistake, a “failure in the matrix.” Sometimes these attempts turn into such huge castles in the air that the loss of these new illusions becomes a source of new pain. It is important to speak out and share with people who understand you. And it is much easier, with this support, not to drown in illusions and begin to accept what happened in reality.

Stage two: anger

What do we do when we encounter something that hurts? First of all, we try to get rid of this source of pain. And at that moment when the prospects for a rosy old age together suddenly suddenly cease to exist, this pain is oh so multifaceted and strong. All grievances are remembered, they are joined by half-lived stories from the distant past and disappointments from the recent past in these relationships. At this stage, emotions are overflowing, and we are literally tossed from side to side. The range of thoughts and experiences that arise is simply incredible. Then tears and anger over the fact that the world is so unfair and has taken away something very dear. That is hatred for a still loved person. Then fear and again anger due to the fact that life “without him” is completely impossible. All these experiences are accompanied by a significant release of energy. On this wave, I really want to change something as quickly as possible, convey it, prove it, or punish it with equivalent pain. The situation is aggravated by a huge number of fears and anxieties, which sometimes makes it difficult to choose the best courses of action. During this period, we tend to do many things rashly and further aggravate our own situation.

At this time, it is important not to lock your emotions inside yourself, as well as not to let pain and fear deprive you of the remnants of your sanity. Use every possible but safe way to let them out. All sorts of psychological techniques, which are a dime a dozen and freely available, can also help here. Fortunately, emotional outbursts, even at this acute stage, still go through their peaks and valleys. This means that you can track them, like the tides of waves, and have time to “catch” them, that is, you can live through this pain a little easier. If a crisis moment comes, then it makes sense to bring your feelings into some kind of action: scream, beat a pillow, play a samurai who defeats his enemy, etc. Setting internal alarm clocks helps many people. Feeling the approach of the next “wave”, you decide to completely surrender to your grief, anger and pain, but only, for example, for half an hour. It is very important to understand that the feelings you experience are a normal human reaction to what is happening. And it is important to find a way to live them without causing harm to yourself and those around you.

Stage three: attempts to “fix”

After the intense emotions have subsided a little, we make some kind of internal decision about what we will do next. Most often, this is an express analysis of everything that happened in the relationship, and no less urgent attempts to correct mistakes. A completely insignificant “flaw” is declared to be the true cause of the breakup. And immediately attempts begin to return everything to its place, correcting the “cause”. So someone begins to attack their ex with tearful conversations and messages about how they will do anything to please them. Some people suggest making do with a temporary break in the relationship and looking for a compromise in order to become a couple again. Someone chooses the winding road of “friendship with an ex” in the hope of one day cunningly and unobtrusively conveying to him that happiness is possible only with one woman. Simply put, we are bargaining. We bargain with ourselves, with God, with a man. We are looking for options to ease our pain, to make the hole that has formed inside a little smaller in size and a little less sore. We want hope and do not want to come to terms with the fact that the past cannot be returned. Although deep down we still understand that we will have to accept the fact of the breakup, let go of the past and somehow rebuild our lives. It also happens that the breakup turned out to be a mistake, and people get back together. But this is also a new relationship.

With some part of our gut we have already accepted what happened. But connections, attachments and memories remain, which again and again return to attempts to find a way to mend the broken vessel. After all, even if it is broken, it is already ours, dear, familiar. At this stage it is important to set priorities. And in this system of priorities, no matter how difficult it is, you and your life come first. The search for mistakes and “flaws” from this perspective no longer turns into a desperate attempt to collect the fragments of the past, but becomes an opportunity to further build your life with some new understanding. Look for what helps you cope with obsessive thoughts, start filling your life with what brings you at least a drop of joy. Of course, we are not talking about alcohol and other pseudo-stimulants - such experiments do not end very well. If you want to start another conversation, find another “way out,” then you can, for example, come to an agreement with yourself and, like Scarlett O’Hara, “think about it tomorrow,” or at least postpone for a while another attempt to write an SMS.

Stage four: "vegetable"

In scientific language, this period is called the time of depression and apathy. We spent a lot of energy understanding the situation, fighting it, trying to change it. Most likely, nothing worked - and then emptiness sets in. Emptiness inside, emptiness in desires and aspirations. I don’t want anything, and life seems meaningless. However, everything seems pointless. Some people sit all day with ice cream in their hands in front of the TV. Someone can just lie there all day long. Someone is half asleep and automatically continues to do work and household chores. The pain of what happened can temporarily become a literal physical sensation. Memories, shattered hopes - all this continues to surface, causing tears and other emotions. But the period of depression is characterized by the fact that there is simply no strength for great achievements and attacks of aggression and resentment. At this stage, it would be a good idea to consult a psychologist in order to be able to live through it with the least possible losses.

Stage five: “acceptance”

In general, life goes on. And while you are alive, a lot can change. Under this cheerful slogan, you will have to gather the remnants of your will and, like Baron Munchausen, begin the process of pulling yourself out of the swamp. Any methods will do: creativity, friends, walks, animals, yoga and breathing techniques. Through “I don’t want” and “I can’t” - gradually fill your days with what gives you joy and energy, move every day at least one step forward in life.

And then one day, when we may have stopped waiting, we suddenly wake up in the final stage - acceptance. The birds sing somehow more pleasantly outside the window, the sun shines a little brighter and somehow my soul suddenly feels lighter. A deep understanding comes that life goes on. Past memories no longer bring the same pain; inside, perhaps, gratitude is even born to the world for the experience and shake-up provided - after all, it brought new wisdom and strength. And something new always replaces the old, as the experience of many shows - this new thing is usually at least slightly better than what went away.

The feelings that a person experiences when he finds himself abandoned are difficult to describe in words, because they are so strong and varied that it seems as if you are completely dissolving, you are being torn apart, the ground is slipping from under your feet and some kind of frantic whirlwind of emotions is circling you - thoughts, feelings, memories... You feel like a small defenseless leaf that is mercilessly torn off by a gust of icy wind and carried into the unknown...

Each person experiences loss in their own way: some “break the chain” and hit the hardest, while others become isolated and “withdraw into themselves.”

But there is one common feeling that everyone who finds themselves in the place of the abandoned, rejected, lost experiences. This is a feeling of Pain. Deep, heavy, soul-corroding pain. And everyone, sometimes secretly from themselves, tries to drown out this pain. In my own way.

Psychologists who have studied this issue have come to the conclusion that the process of living through a difficult separation or loss goes through certain stages that naturally follow one after another. And regardless of whether a person knows about these stages or not, he still gradually goes through them. The difficulty is that when a person does not know what is happening to him, he can “slip” and get stuck at one of these stages. Sometimes for a long time. After all, it is natural that a breakup, especially an unexpected one, takes a person out of his usual balance, unsettles his usual life, and he experiences severe stress, which prevents him from perceiving what is happening objectively. When we experience strong feelings, it is really difficult for us to look at everything soberly. This is what complicates and slows down the process of getting out of such a difficult period - life after.

In different sources, these stages (or stages) may differ in name or quantity. But if we generalize the different classifications, we can identify five main stages through which a person experiences a feeling of pain after breaking up a relationship with a significant loved one. Having become familiar with these stages, you can find your “stopping point” or getting stuck, see your “exit point” and move in its direction. After all, when we know the route, it is much easier for us to make our way.

Stage 1. Shock. "Can't be!.."

Everything begins from this stage. On that day, that minute or even the moment when a person learns about an unpleasant event, he experiences a shock, the depth of which depends on the degree of closeness of the lost relationship. As a rule, a person falls into a stupor and for some time plunges into a state when everything that is happening around is perceived “as if in a fog.” The body can react in different ways: sometimes by “freezing”, sometimes, on the contrary, by increasing motor skills. But the mind always reacts with denial, refusal: “No!!! This can’t happen!!!”

You can see with your eyes the whole truth, the whole cruel reality of what is happening - here he/she collects things, nervously and hastily throws them into a suitcase, moves chaotically around the apartment, goes out and slams the door behind him... And you stand in stupor, watching this “film” , and a hammer is mercilessly knocking in my head: “No! No! No! No! Nooooo!!!" From this unbearable pain you can scream, rush in despair and try to stop him, but the door mercilessly slams, and inside the echo still sounds: “No... no... no...” Your mind refuses to believe it.

This is how the psyche protects itself from pain, from that deep mental pain that is extremely difficult to survive at the moment. Almost impossible. And then the “immersion” begins: stupor, numbness of consciousness, body, loss of interest and alienation from everything...

A person can remain in this inhibited state for quite a long time. There are many factors here - how close the relationship was, whether he was sharply or gradually approaching the “day of truth”, how deep the wound of betrayal is or the strength of the partner’s meanness (if any), how strong was the degree of attachment and dependence on the other (emotional, social, material, etc.) .), how mature and independent a person is at the time of shock, etc.

Deliberate attempts by friends and family to get you out of this state do not bring any results, even if they are very sincere. Sometimes, on the contrary, they can cause an outburst of anger or aggression towards the “helper” and lead to even greater alienation and immersion in the problem. This is normal, because others, as a rule, cannot feel the full extent of the importance and depth of your experiences, because they are different. And to the grieving person this may seem like ridicule or mockery. This will continue until the person himself matures and accepts the new truth at the level of consciousness: “Yes, now it is so. Now I'm left alone." This is not easy, which is why it requires time and additional internal strength, which a person simply does not have at the time of loss.

On the part of loved ones, adequate help may be a statement that they are nearby, that they are ready to help and support, “just let me know.” It makes no sense to ask the lost person “What do you want?”, because the pain in a person’s soul drowns out all other feelings and desires and he really doesn’t want anything. He needs to grieve.

And when the “mental anesthesia” in the form of shock and denial subsides a little, the person himself begins, gradually, in portions, to let the “new reality” into his life. Begins to get used to living without him/her. This is how the movement to the next stage begins.

Stage 2. Anger. "Hate you!"

This stage also goes through this stage differently for everyone, but it is very important that it comes and that the person allows himself to get angry. For some, a figuratively speaking “cork breaking effect” may occur here - a person begins to feel angry at everyone and everything - at his former partner for betraying him; at yourself for not doing everything, not enough, or vice versa, for humiliating yourself in front of him/her. To a child who constantly reminds “of him”; at mom, with her “I told you so.” On the neighbors, on the state, on the sun, on the wind, on the whole world...

And the person himself seems to be looking for a reason to “start a record” about his problem again at every opportunity. This is normal, because he really has an internal need to “drain all the negativity.” He really needs the opportunity to do this, and not block it inside himself. Because unreacted negative experiences, especially feelings of anger, can be contained inside, and then migrate for a long time, from time to time breaking out in the form of unexpected outbursts of anger, most often addressed to innocent persons. The worst option for accumulating anger within oneself is psychosomatic disorders.

You must allow yourself to be angry, but do it in a civilized manner, without dragging other people into your experiences, except those who are sincerely ready to share and help you live through it. It would be much more honest to ask your friend to listen to your next monologue “and again a song about him,” because you need to speak out, than to pester her with your calls or conversations without voicing her role, and then be surprised and offended that she began to avoid communication.

How can you get angry in a civilized way? You can concentrate your strength and energy on some important project and make a breakthrough in your career (by the way, many men, finding themselves on the “losing” side, do just that, which is quite reasonable), you can make a renovation that you have long dreamed of, but was constantly postponed. An excellent outlet for accumulated anger and aggression will be sports and any physical labor. It is important to truly realize: “Yes, I am angry and hateful, but others have nothing to do with it. Therefore, I will find a suitable way to release my aggression.” After all, anger by its nature is a powerful energy, using which you can make a good leap forward.

You can write down your seething feelings on paper - the paper will endure, and you will experience incredible relief. There is a wonderful technique for this, which I have already written about. Various types of creativity are also suitable, where there is an opportunity to express your feelings - drawing, dance therapy (spontaneous dance or movement), modeling, film therapy, fairy tale therapy, etc.

In general, at this stage, any psychological or psychotherapeutic assistance will be a very good help, which many needlessly ignore and underestimate. At this stage, it is important for a person not only to “get it”, to throw out his negative experiences, but most importantly, to be accepted by others in his difficult feelings. And this is sometimes beyond the capabilities of even the best and closest friend, because she is not able to perceive objectively and maintain a non-involved position. At this stage, a person really needs external support, so he should be able to speak out or write down all those angry thoughts that will pop up in his consciousness from time to time.

Stage 3. Doubts. "But what if?.."

As soon as the steam is let off a little and the taste for life gradually begins to return to the person, a period of doubt begins. “Bargaining” begins with one’s still wounded and weakened “I”: maybe he/she will come back?.. or maybe all is not lost yet?.. probably I was/was wrong?.. what if I behave differently?.. or maybe he didn’t want to leave at all?.. what if he’s waiting for a signal from me?.. Well, he wasn’t that bad/greedy/callous/lazy... And so on, and so on.

Various doubts and soul-searching, all kinds of “what if?.. or maybe?..” are the last straw, the last thread between the past and the present. Between the knowledge of how it already was and the unknown of “how to live now and what will happen next.” And while a person grabs onto it and tries to hold on, it will seem to him that if he can take control of the situation, then perhaps everything can still be corrected. In fact, control can never guarantee results, because control is only an illusion of security, the illusion that everything depends on me, which means it will happen as I want, I just have to try.

The longer a person hides behind this illusion, the slower he moves towards liberation from the shackles of his pain. At this stage, it is important to realize that not everything in the world depends on me, that where two people quarrel and separate, responsibility is always shared equally, that is, in half!

At this stage, attempts at reunification occur quite often. Most often, the driver is sexual attraction (body memory). Sometimes the reason for the rapprochement may be children or common territory. Partners can really get together for a while, and it may even seem that all the quarrels and misunderstandings that existed before no longer have any force or meaning. But, as a rule, the sexual frenzy quickly passes, and old claims and nagging come to the surface, now they sound with even greater force and the relationship quickly turns into a mutual attack, since the pain from the previously inflicted injury still remains and the unhealed wound begins to “bleed” even stronger. As a result, this experiment fails, causing even more disappointment and resentment in the soul, which is now accompanied by a feeling of shame and self-abasement. Realizing that everything was in vain and meaningless, the person begins to “go to the bottom”...

Stage 4. Depression. "I do not want anything…"

After attempts to get closer to a partner have not yielded a positive result, a period of “darkness” begins, the person experiences a depressed state, the colors fade, and interest in everything completely dissipates. This is a period of complete devastation, disappointment in oneself, in other people, trust in the opposite sex disappears, self-esteem drops sharply, a person begins to “run” in an invisible vicious circle from a deep feeling of guilt and resentment to incredible self-pity. Here he is overtaken by the eternal dead-end question “Why?!.”

If a person has to perform some social roles during this period, then his level of energy and productivity decreases catastrophically. In order to somehow function, many people put their lives on pause. A period of dullness and “not wanting anything” begins. Day after day drags on, your appetite may disappear, or, conversely, a nervous “eating” of inner emptiness may appear. Emotional sensitivity and reactivity increases, spontaneous reactions in the form of tears, breakdowns, and hysterics may occur. A person begins to avoid contact and communication with friends and relatives who do not understand what is happening to him - “enough already, pull yourself together!” They do not understand, and therefore he again strives for his “hole” in order to “enjoy” his suffering again and again.

Tired of the endless feeling of dull aching pain inside, a person “decides” not to feel anything, just to live somehow, like everyone else. Sometimes it may even seem that he is succeeding. But treacherous memories “about him, about us,” about how good it was, and sometimes how bad it was, no, no, and they will come. And then a new portion of pain burns from the inside and bursts out with tears, screams, screams or silent biting of lips... In psychotherapy, this phenomenon is called “flash-back” (flash from the past), and the pain experienced at such moments eloquently signals that There are still unlived and unreleased feelings that are rushing to freedom.

Some people immerse themselves in their work, terrorizing all their colleagues or subordinates with their frantic workaholism. Or they begin to obsessively take care of children (even if they are already adults and independent), forget about themselves, ignore their needs and practically “put an end to” their personal life. Why? Because it’s scary to be alone with your true feelings, with your resentment and pain. And some find more primitive ways of “feeding” and filling the emotional gap - they retreat into weaknesses, addictions, begin to lead a chaotic and aimless lifestyle, change new partners “like gloves.” Why? Because it’s scary to be alone with your true feelings, with your resentment, pain and truth...

No matter how difficult this period may seem, in fact it is very necessary, it is important to go through it. Because this stage is the lowest critical point of this entire process - experiencing a feeling of pain after breaking up a relationship with a loved one. It is extremely important to make a “full immersion” in the world of your feelings in order to finally “touch bottom” and push off. Push off and then rise again. Remember, like children who are learning to walk, they persistently get up after every fall, no matter what, this is an instinct. This is how it is for an adult, you need to “fall”, living all your pain to the end, to the fullest, and cry, if necessary, to the last tear. Only when you have completely exhaled can you take a new breath. But many, unfortunately, “get stuck” at this stage for a long time, sometimes for years, sometimes for life. It’s not the best option when people enter into a new relationship without fully freeing themselves from the pain of the previous ones. Both suffer in this relationship - the one who, running away from the pain of the past, found a “shelter”, and the one who became a “savior”.

If a person is not afraid to go through the whole process of “plunging” into the ocean of his emotions and experiences, then it is then that he has the opportunity to push off from the bottom, finally rise to the surface, see the shore and swim to it, to find ground under his feet. The most important goal of this period, the stage of depression, is to allow yourself to feel, accept your pain and want to live, understand and admit: “Yes, I’m alone now, I feel damn bad, but I want to live on!” Not for the sake of the children, not for the sake of the parents, not for the sake of anyone else, but for the sake of himself. For the first time in a long time, the words “Yes, I’m alone now” sound consciously and no longer make me internally cringe in pain. This is the beginning of a new and final stage.

Stage 5. Humility. “Thank you for everything...”

Together with the last drop of self-pity, fear of loneliness and uncertainty about the future released, peace finally begins to come to the soul. Not indifference and detachment, but calmness, quiet acceptance. Yes, this is my life now. Now everything is different. It's neither good nor bad, it just is. When the soul has freed itself from internal heaviness and pain, from anger and indignation, from hatred and feelings of terrible injustice, it again gains the ability to feel, believe, love...

There is no more condemnation, no anger, your insides no longer clench when you remember your ex-partner. You no longer lose your breath if you accidentally run into him on the street, in a crowd or in the company of mutual friends. Now you have the strength and desire to forgive him. Forgive and let go. Allow yourself to live without him. Only now will your forgiveness be sincere and come from the very depths of your heart. Only now is the soul able to realize and accept all the valuable experience that it received in these relationships. Lesson completed. And you don’t have to “squeeze” forgiveness out of yourself, it just is there.

A sign of sincere forgiveness of your ex-partner is a feeling of deep gratitude for the good things that happened in your life thanks to this person. Not a lie to yourself and a moral favor to him, but a sincere, warm “Thank you” coming from the very soul. And if a person is able to easily, without rummaging through the catalog of his memory, extract and voice his gratitude to his ex, no matter what, most importantly sincerely, now his movement forward will not be bound by the shackles of the past. Now it will be easy and free for him. Now he has room in his soul for new joys, new relationships, new love.

The line of transition to a state of gratitude is very thin, barely perceptible, but it is there. It can only be seen if you acknowledge all your feelings, admit that you can be angry and offended, and at the same time you can be happy and experience pleasure. Trusting yourself, all your feelings and most importantly your life is the main condition for crossing this line. When you trust your life, it picks you up in its caring arms and carries you like a beloved child. And everything starts to change for you. For the better. And love blooms in your heart again. Sincere, pure love. Love for life because it is beautiful; to yourself, for what you are; to friends, for being there; to my mother, for the fact that she still accepts and loves. To the sun, sky, wind. Love for your ex, for the fact that he was in your life. Love, gratitude and humility.

It is humility that becomes that healing medicine for the heart, in which peace now comes. Your once wounded soul heals, becomes wiser and richer inside. Now you know how to thank your past, appreciate the present and begin to look to the future with faith. Now Love lives in your soul.

P.S. You can flounder endlessly in the past, wander between anger, guilt, doubt, despair and anger again. You can take revenge on your ex for a long time and persistently and prove to yourself that you are worth something, it was he who was wrong. Or you can just look at everything and say to yourself: Yes, a breakup is damn unpleasant and painful, this is the end of one journey. And at the same time, this is the beginning of a new path. Let me go further!

Follow your path with interest! Trust yourself and your life, it definitely has something wonderful in store for you!

With love,
Nadezhda Tatarenkova
Family psychologist, coach, art therapist,
psychotherapist using the symboldrama method

There is a gender stereotype that men are cynical and do not take a breakup seriously. Is it so? The myth of cynicism comes from society; the stronger sex is often not allowed to show their emotionality and pain. In fact, the male sex can be weak, romantic, and vulnerable. So how do men cope with a breakup?

Features of male psychology

1. After divorce, women are more susceptible to depression, and men are more likely to abuse alcohol.
2. Men find it more difficult to cope with stress after breaking up with a loved one. They experience stress longer and more severely after separation, because they do not express the experience verbally, but drive it inside.
3. After a painful breakup, the stronger sex is less likely to go to friends or relatives for consolation than girls. This makes it difficult for them.

Other authors argue that it is difficult for men to break up due to the peculiarities of communication in their environment. The male sex rarely shares their problems; in a friendly male company there is more light competition than mutual assistance. Parting with the woman you love, all the difficulties of divorce and the emotional aspects of a relationship are an example of weakness, and men do not want to “lose face.”

How does a man feel when he leaves a woman?

Life situations are different, sometimes there is annoyance, fatigue from conflicts during separation, joy from the end of a “bored relationship,” guilt, shame or relief.

After betrayal

Do men worry after their betrayal? For many husbands, sex with another woman does not equate to betrayal or the fact that his love has passed. What does the man feel in this case? It all depends on the environment, upbringing, values, moral principles. A break in a relationship with a lover may indicate a change in priorities and a desire to save the family. A married man will think through different options so that his wife does not find out about his infidelity. But psychologists assure that emotions during betrayal depend on the individual. Some will be tormented by a strong feeling of guilt, and for others, betrayal is a reason to diversify their life.

How do men cope with a breakup if a woman cheats?

For the most part, men rarely forgive a woman for cheating. The main emotions are resentment, aggression, hatred. Deceived husbands suffer, and there is also imposed competition.

Stages of separation in men

The male sex often experiences a painful breakup in silence. But researchers from the University of Königsberg established seven stages and found out how men experience a breakup. Stages:

1. "I don't believe". The stronger sex denies what is happening. He cannot believe that the woman he loved left him, there was a breakup.
2. Manifestation of negative feelings. At this stage, a man experiences the whole range of negative emotions - from aggression to resentment towards women.
3. Depression. At this stage, the awareness of separation comes. How is it at this time? Self-esteem decreases, melancholy is present, happy moments of life together are remembered.
4. Awareness of the problem. After reflection, a feeling of guilt comes, for example, if you had to break up on your own initiative.
5. Attempts to solve the problem. Some men drown out the pain with alcohol, others immerse themselves in work activities. Many people try to start new relationships, but at this stage the romances are short-lived. Meeting girls can be a way to improve your self-esteem.
6. After a painful period, the meaning of life appears, new desires appear, and self-esteem returns.
7. . The separated couple has already found or is looking for new partners. The man accepts the situation, he is ready to enter into a new relationship.

Psychological type and behavior during separation

Psychologists assure that people behave when breaking up relationships according to their psychotype. They divide the stronger sex into four types. What is the difference?

Predator

This type always fights for leadership, including in relationships. He is charismatic, confident, and has high self-esteem. During a divorce, the husband will put pressure on the woman; in such a marriage, the woman is rarely the initiator of the separation. He rarely cares about his wife's feelings, he is authoritarian and cruel. If such a type suffers, it will only be about missed opportunities.

Vulnerable

A gentle, kind, sensitive person. He rarely initiates a breakup, never puts pressure on a woman, and makes sacrifices for the sake of his family. When a breakup occurs, he becomes depressed and worries for a long time. He really needs help from friends and relatives during the divorce.

Mature

This type is capable of building mature relationships based on trust and understanding. When parting, she experiences a range of feelings and goes into a frenzy of activity. After a divorce, he can maintain friendly relations with his wife.

Infantile

This type needs constant care. He perceives any breakup as a situation of betrayal towards himself. He cannot live alone, he often blackmails a woman and throws hysterics.

So how does a man cope with a breakup? The stronger sex may be silent, but that doesn't mean they don't care. Usually their experiences are hidden, they are not used to sharing their pain, but they also need support.

Just yesterday you were a couple and couldn’t imagine life without each other, and today each of you greets the dawn in an empty room with one single question: “How to live on now?” You can measure the ceiling with an empty gaze, shed tears for what you have lost and run away from yourself for an infinitely long time, but time heals.

True, healing occurs only if the process of parting with a loved one went correctly and step by step. Today on the Koshechka.ru website we’ll talk about what stages of separation women and men experience.

What's in the article:

What is a breakup?

From a psychological point of view, separation is the loss of a relationship when it can no longer develop further for one reason or another. The breakup can be unexpected or deliberate, when the relationship has reached a dead end and there is simply no point in continuing it. One way or another, parting with a loved one borders on the concept of “life cut short,” and this is due to the absence of any positive thoughts in your head at this stage.

Breaking up a relationship is a systematic process that has its own stages. Only after going through them all can you return to normal life. If you freeze at any stage partingor live it wrong, you can suffer for a very long time, because until the stage is passed, it is impossibleatmove on to the next one.

Let's list on the website the 6 main stages of separation that men and women go through:

1. The stage of denying what is happening.
2. Stage of expression or suppression of feelings.
3. The stage of bargaining or attempts to “glue” the relationship.
4. The stage of apathy towards everything that happens.
5. The stage of accepting the situation and humility.
6. The stage of a second wind or a new page in life.

Depending on the complexity of the situation and the intensity of emotions, each of us experiences this difficult moment in life at our own speed and characteristics. The main thing is not to let yourself get fixated on any particular stage and look for all the ways out of the current situation.

Stage 1 - Denial of what is happening

The first phrase that spins in your head after the words: “I don’t love you anymore!” or “We need to break up”, “This is not happening to me.” Consciousness refuses to accept the current circumstances and includes a defensive reaction, which is expressed in denial of what is happening. It was as if the person had been doused with a bucket of ice water or hit sharply on the head with something heavy. The soul screams “Nooo!”, and stress makes a person curl up. Joint plans for life, common interests, memories and dreams - all this collapsed! The bouquet of feelings after the breakup has not yet had time to open up, and the only thing that lives in the heart at this stage is the unbearability of the very concept that this person will no longer be around. Fear, misunderstanding and severe anxiety are the main experiences of men and women after a breakup.

If everything was already heading towards a breakup, and you had time to get used to the idea that sooner or later you will have to separate, then the effect of devaluing the significance of the loss occurs. In this case, there is no strong shock and anxiety, but the feelings seem to freeze: the heart should scream from pain and grief, but it is simply indifferent.

At this stage, it is important not to withdraw entirely into yourself, but to ask for help and support from your loved ones, otherwise it can take several months to several years to get out of this stage of separation, especially for women.

Stage 2 - Expression or suppression of feelings

As soon as the awareness of what is happening comes, a wave of real feelings will come. Everything can be mixed here: pain, anger, hatred, guilt, jealousy. We are angry with our loved ones because they forced us to go through a breakup, because they did not leave a single chance to correct the situation. In a state of panic, we begin to look for the culprit: and often find it in ourselves. The woman is tormented by the question: “Why didn’t I keep him?”, and the man tries to take revenge or showers his former lover with threats.

Now it is important not to go too far: get angry, but in moderation and without using physical force. Not only your partner, but also the people around you can suffer from your emotions. Usually women in such a situation break dishes or tear paper, and defiantly throw their loved one’s things out the window. A man may throw a phone or something heavier at the wall in anger.

Stage 3 – Bargaining or attempts to “glue” the relationship

The first two stages of separation in women and men simultaneously contain this stage - constant attempts to return everything back.

After the passionate passions have subsided, there is some calm and a more or less conscious analysis of the situation occurs. As soon as the reason for the breakup is found out, the stage of bargaining and seesawing, tearful telephone conversations and SMS battles with pleas for forgiveness begins. We are looking for loopholes and any approaches to the heart of our beloved in order to somehow reduce the size of the wound in the heart. Hope at this stage is the only thing that allows us to continue to live. After all, all the brightest and most wonderful things are left behind, and so far there is only darkness and hopelessness in the situation.

Sometimes attempts to get together actually end in success, but these relationships are already new. If you don’t approach your lover, you need to let go of the situation and start a new life without him.

Stage 4 - Apathy towards everything that happens

This stage allows us to understand what it means to be a vegetable: insensitive and floating with the flow of life. The brain and heart were tired of fighting and, finally, the realization came that the past could not be returned, but life still goes on. It is useless to look for those to blame if this still does not bring back your loved one.

An emptiness settles in the heart. Some people lie all day long, staring at the ceiling, some spend hours watching TV, and some look through photos of them together with tears. Sometimes apathy reaches a point when you no longer have the strength to do anything, and only a psychologist can help you cope with your feelings. Usually by this time the person is already so exhausted that a gradual normalization of the psyche occurs: the resentment goes away, the pain dulls, consciousness returns.

At this stage of separation, it is important to cry and remember all the good things - this is necessary to move to the next state.

Stage 5 - Acceptance of the situation and humility

The time of “shaking and confusion” has passed, life is slowly beginning to return to its previous course. The memories are still alive in our minds, but this no longer prevents us from going about our daily activities. What happened forces us to draw conclusions, and the fear of a new relationship settles in our hearts for a long time.

Gathering all their will into a fist, women begin to take care of themselves: a cosmetic bag in their hands again, a schedule of tasks for two weeks in advance, a cup of coffee for breakfast, fitness on weekends, meetings with girlfriends in a cafe. Men silently try to find balance and also no longer take up a glass of cognac or vodka, but behind the wheel of their favorite car and go to solve their daily male problems.

Stage 6 - Second wind or new page in life

Life is gradually filled with new events and acquaintances, the sun again peeks into the empty room, and food acquires taste again. We understand that life has taught us a cruel lesson, but we are grateful to it for this shake-up.

After a breakup, a person, as if receiving an electric shock, learns to live again. Strength and self-confidence are gradually returning, new plans and prospects appear ahead. The last stage is characterized by complete acceptance of what happened: if we broke up, it means we were not suitable for each other.

How do women cope with breakups?

The stages of separation in the female half of humanity are accompanied by pronounced emotionality and duration. A feature of female psychology is the duration of the depressive state in a given situation. Sometimes a woman can be in a state of apathy for several years.

Having lost confidence in themselves and their beauty, women often try to survive a breakup under the guise of a successful and independent “woman.” From a psychological point of view, this is the most successful move - this way women can get used to the presented image and more easily go through all the stages of experiencing a breakup.

How do men cope with breakups?

Oddly enough, men take the process of separation much closer to their hearts than women. Outwardly, they will not show weakness, with their heads held high and their eyes dry, they will accumulate rage and anger within themselves until it all comes out in the form of:

1. Drinking alcoholic beverages to numb mental pain.
2. Play sports until you are completely exhausted.
3. Random changes of partners in bed.

According to psychology, men are less resistant to this kind of negativity, and this is due to a higher susceptibility to what is happening.