We love each other, but we can't be together. We love each other, but not together

Name: Lena

Good afternoon guys! I started dating my boyfriend 4 years ago. I will be a student. he didn't look like anyone. smart. well-read, self-confident, received two educations, aspired, even older people asked him for advice, he can answer any question. conquered me, the girl who twisted, twirled, lit, with her dissimilarity to her peers (we are the same age), who in reality need one thing. Only he lived in Moscow, and I'm from Ryazan. saw each other once every two months. well, in short, we actually became a couple at a distance, but everything suited me, I thought that I loved him. this went on for 3.5 years. the time was coming to graduate from the institute, I already understood that soon he would take me away, we would live together, my parents idolize that he was me, that mine were his. Well, in general, it is already clear that the whole thing goes to a life together.
I worked in my city as a consultant jewelry, and in our mall the security guard worked, never noticed him, only heard from colleagues that he left his wife, which is very pleasant, sweet. in general, so chubby, a tall man, no different from an ordinary hard-working man. I once went out for a smoke break and asked him, huddled in a chair in front of the entrance, “Are you cold?” and he followed me out and we just chatted about nothing. about the dangers of smoking. He is 37, I am 23

From that day on, I thought about him, and I know that he is about me. two weeks later he had my number, after 3 the first kiss and date, after 4 the first intimacy. he idolized me. we fell in love with each other to unconsciousness, there was no strength for a minute to live without each other. and, initially, I said, I lied that I was married. and that I'll be leaving soon, that didn't stop him or me. we didn't see the whole problem then. this went on for 4 months. and my boyfriend invited me to live in Moscow. I left, you know why. maybe I'm justifying myself, but my parents invested so much in me, for a legal education. I am now a legal assistant in Moscow, I was afraid to upset my parents. and mine civil husband them like a son. I love another, and I deceive this one, he is there, I am here. every day we communicate, we go out, we die, we turn black. but not together for 4 months now, as I live here. then when I left, after 17 days he called and said that he did not want to live without me and threw himself under the bus. Now he is disabled and sits at home. ex-wife I felt sorry for him, because he has a teenage daughter, he introduced me to her. now they are all together. Yes, only we cannot let each other go, and my wife is freaking out because of my messages. and he says that he cannot deceive, so she sees how he suffers, living with her. Only I can pretend to be beautiful in front of my husband. and I don’t cry at home, and I behave appropriately. but now I'm crying, freaking out, I don't know how to get out of this. we suffer, both. What should I do? what should we do?

I am 23 years old. I had serious relationship with a boyfriend for 5 years. It was going to be a wedding. We complemented each other and were one. His family became my family and vice versa. IN Lately There was discord in the relationship, a lot of cursing. We never celebrated our anniversary, although I was waiting for an offer from him, because there were talks about the wedding since the summer.

In early November, he went to a corporate party. Arrived late and drunk. I got into his phone and saw the correspondence with his colleague, he wrote to her that he really liked her, etc. With tears and hysteria, I began to wake him up and find out what it was, told him to take his things and go to hell. She tore up all our photos that hung on the wall, in general, made a real tantrum. Now I am terribly ashamed of this site. I didn't account for my actions. This mistake of mine was a lesson for me for life. When, in the end, I realized that everything was useless, I left in the middle of the night to spend the night with a friend.

In the morning, when I arrived home, I saw that he had packed his things and was ready to leave. That day I was not myself. I didn't believe it was all true. He did not try to return and apologize strongly, he wrote literally one SMS “I need you”. After 3 days, I decided to talk to him, we met and decided that we needed to continue the relationship, and this was a stupid mistake. But literally the next day after this conversation, he told me that he wanted to live alone, that he needed time. Almost 2 months have already passed, during all this time we have seen each other 3 times, and then, only on business. Over time, he deleted joint photos from the social. networks, leaving only a couple of very old ones. He answers my calls calmly and talks as if nothing had happened. When the site I needed his help, he came and helped.

A couple of weeks ago we had a phone conversation, in which he said that he still loves, that he misses my laughter. I remembered the quote “having we do not appreciate, but having lost, we cry.” But, despite this, he does not want to return the relationship, but admits that everything will be like in the film, that after some time we will see him, and everything will be fine again. He said that he was sleeping, hugging a pillow and imagining that it was me. That there was a lot more good in the relationship than bad. He also said that when he drives past my house, tears well up in him. However, at the last meeting, when I asked if he wanted to return everything back, he again answered in the negative. Such words, about love, he spoke only on the phone. And at the meeting, he only made compliments that I was very beautiful and became even more attractive.

I think about him every day, every minute. I want to get him back and be together again. As he told me at the site last meeting, "I don't want to hurt you anymore," but he can't imagine that without him it hurts me much more. I made an attempt to return the relationship, but it did not end in success, he wanted to live alone. All plunged into work. I don't even know if he has someone. He does not speak, and his mother, with whom we still communicate, also does not know anything.

After parting, I could not recover for a long time, did not eat anything and lost 8 kg, although, for my physique, this is for the best. Now I keep myself in shape. Soon New Year and I don't even know how to celebrate it without it. I don't even know how to proceed. What to do, and is it possible to return everything back? It's been almost 2 months now. On the phone, he is very cold and does not show initiative in communication.

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Jacob and Charlotte haven't had sex in three years

About 18% of respondents under 30 last year had sex less than 10 times, a Mumsnet and Gransnet survey of 2,000 people showed. Among participants of all ages, this figure was 29%. We interview three couples who fall into this category, despite the fact that the partners say they love each other passionately.

"The reason we don't have sex is me" says Amanda, 35, from London. "I get so tired at work and doing housework that I think my libido is tired too."

Amanda and Steve have been married for six years. Watching their two-year-old son play nearby, they laugh when I ask why they only have sex once every six weeks.

"What kind of sex is there - the child is always there. Even if you manage to put him to sleep for a couple of hours, there are things that need to be done around the house, and sometimes you yourself need to intercept at least a little sleep."

But according to Relate's sex therapist Martin Burrow, it's not just parents who can be deprived of sexual pleasures due to busy schedules.

Amanda and Steve don't have time or energy for sex

"More and more people are complaining that they are not satisfied with their sexual relations", says Martin. “Whether this is due to the fact that now people talk more freely about sex, or there is actually less sex in their lives, I can’t say. In the end, relationships are full regardless of sex. Someone might be happy without sex, someone needs it - that's not the point."

Jacob and Charlotte - both 23 years old - are still in love with each other, although there is no place for sex in their relationship.

"We have been together for four years, three of them we do without sex - we plan to continue like this," Charlotte says. She, unlike Jacob, is asexual - that is, she does not need sex.

"We tried sex first to see if we needed it. But none of us were any happier because of it. Jacob doesn't like having sex with someone who doesn't enjoy it."

For some of the men, this could be a reason for a breakup, but not for Jacob.

"I have a fantastic relationship with wonderful person he says. "There are other ways to show your love and affection."

However, not everyone is capable of such an understanding.

Steve and Tom are married but have never had sex with each other

Tom and Steve from Bristol have been together for four years and got married a year ago. They never had sex with each other.

Both consider themselves asexual and laugh when they talk about their first date. It ended in a common bed and became, according to Tom and Steve, the best casual connection of all that each of them had before, because absolutely nothing happened during it.

According to Tom, modern society is increasingly sexualized, but that doesn't mean people are having more sex. "Although, - he adds , - idea of frequent sex as a norm is actively promoted and, perhaps, someone, under the influence of this propaganda, forces himself to have sex regularly.

Young people say how amazed their interlocutors are when they find out that Tom and Steve have never had sex with each other, and often ask - how do they love each other if they can do without sex?

In such cases, their answer is simple: "If there is sex without love, why can't there be love without sex?"

According to Dr. Martin Burrow, sex is not a prerequisite for intimate relationships

For Martin Burrow, the concepts of a "normal number sexual contact"does not exist. According to him, some couples can reach the highest emotional level in a relationship without having sex at all.

For other couples, the amount of sex may vary depending on different periods life depending on the circumstances - the appearance of children, workload, health status.

For Amanda and Steve, mutual understanding has become the key to a relationship that is strong and healthy even without regular sex.

"Don't get too discouraged, she advises young parents who find themselves in a similar situation. "Because it happens to a lot of us." She laughs and turns to Steve. "There will still be, I promise you!"

Image caption Jacob and Charlotte haven't had sex in three years

About 18% of respondents under 30 have had sex less than 10 times in the past year, a survey of 2,000 people conducted by Mumsnet and Gransnet showed. Among participants of all ages, this figure was 29%. We interview three couples who fall into this category, despite the fact that the partners say they love each other passionately.

"The reason we don't have sex is me," says Amanda, 35, from London. "I get so tired at work and doing housework that I think my libido is tired too."

Amanda and Steve have been married for six years. Watching their two-year-old son play nearby, they laugh when I ask why they only have sex once every six weeks.

"What kind of sex is there - the child is always there. Even if you manage to put him to sleep for a couple of hours, there are things that need to be done around the house, and sometimes you yourself need to intercept at least a little sleep."

But according to Relate's sex therapist Martin Burrow, it's not just parents who can be deprived of sexual pleasures due to busy schedules.

Image caption Amanda and Steve don't have time or energy for sex

"More and more people are complaining that they are not satisfied with their sexual relationships," says Martin. “Whether this is due to the fact that now people talk more freely about sex, or there is actually less sex in their lives, I can’t say. In the end, relationships are full regardless of sex. Someone might be happy without sex, someone needs it - that's not the point."

Jacob and Charlotte - both 23 years old - are still in love with each other, although there is no place for sex in their relationship.

"We've been together for four years, three of them we do without sex - we plan to continue like this," says Charlotte. She, unlike Jacob, is asexual - that is, she does not need sex.

"We tried sex first to see if we needed it. But none of us were any happier because of it. Jacob doesn't like having sex with someone who doesn't enjoy it."

For some of the men, this could be a reason for a breakup, but not for Jacob.

"I have a fantastic relationship with a wonderful person," he says. "There are other ways to show your love and affection."

However, not everyone is capable of such an understanding.

Image caption Steve and Tom are married but have never had sex with each other

Tom and Steve from Bristol have been together for four years and got married a year ago. They never had sex with each other.

Both consider themselves asexual and laugh when they talk about their first date. It ended in a common bed and became, according to Tom and Steve, the best casual connection of all that each of them had before, because absolutely nothing happened during it.

According to Tom, today's society is increasingly sexualized, but this does not mean that people are having more sex. "Though," he adds, "the idea of ​​frequent sex as the norm is being actively promoted, and perhaps someone, under the influence of this propaganda, forces himself to have sex regularly."

Young people say how amazed their interlocutors are when they find out that Tom and Steve have never had sex with each other, and often ask - how do they love each other if they can do without sex?

In such cases, their answer is simple: "If there is sex without love, why can't there be love without sex?"

Image caption According to Dr. Martin Burrow, sex is not a prerequisite for an intimate relationship.

For Martin Burrow, there is no such thing as a "normal number of sexual encounters". According to him, some couples can reach the highest emotional level in a relationship without having sex at all.

For other couples, the amount of sex may change at different periods of life depending on the circumstances - the appearance of children, workload, health status.

For Amanda and Steve, mutual understanding has become the key to a relationship that is strong and healthy even without regular sex.

"Don't get too discouraged," she advises young parents in a similar situation, "because it happens to a lot of us." She laughs and turns to Steve, "There will still be, I promise you!"