One of the most important laws is the balance between Give and Take. "Giving and Taking" by Bert Hellinger (about the third order of Love)

Have you noticed that there are people who financial terms, as in a fairy tale about a turnip “pull, pull, but they cannot pull it out”, while others, on the contrary, easily build relationships with other people and their financial affairs flow easily and naturally? What is the secret?

The fact is that the second category of people intuitively feels the balance between “take” and “give”, while the first do not pay attention to it. Perhaps they are too busy pulling all the time, or perhaps they simply do not have such experience - to keep track of how much they give to the world and how much they take from the world.

You can take and give anything. It can be an act, time spent, effort, even just thinking about something. Be that as it may, people always interact with each other in one way or another.
For example, there is a woman who takes care of everyone. Her children are immaculately dressed, she is always ready to help them with their duties. Husband is always full and happy. A friend can call at any time and ask to listen or help. This woman is always ready to help. She herself does not ask for help, and if someone does something for her simply “out of the kindness of her soul”, she awkwardly refuses. What's with this woman's finances? Usually not very good. And not because she bad person, but because she gives many times more than she takes - and the balance of “Give-Take” is clearly violated.

Another example is a man. Favorite word this man - "delegation", i.e. delegating their affairs to someone. This man accepts a lot of help from others, but rarely responds himself. Unless for your family and then, you need to ask three times and remind a hundred times. And again, the balance of “Give and Take” is again violated, but this time in the other direction.

Both in the first and in the second case, our heroes will not be able to have a confident financial cushion because the balance is off. And if our heroes want to improve their financial well-being, they just need to learn to pay attention to how much they take from the world, and how much they return to the world. For example, a woman should learn to ask for help, boldly say “I would be pleased if you did this for me.” need to. It is important for a man to learn to ask the question “How can I be useful to you?”, to openly offer his help. And don't forget to do what you promised to do. These, at first glance, simple solutions will make it easy to restore the balance of “Give and Take” and your financial affairs begin to go up.

How are you doing with balance? Do you pay attention to balance or no-no, but do you go to extremes? Write in the comments

If you give and give all the time, but do not take anything, the person remains in front of you in a huge debt. You seem to hang a huge loan around his neck, which he will never repay. If you take all the time, but give nothing, then sooner or later, the partner is depleted. There comes a point when he can no longer give.

In any relationship, we must strike a balance between taking and giving. Harmonious Relations in this case, they look like a gymnast on a tightrope under a dome

Since the constellations have captivated me reliably and for a long time, I want to write a lot and in detail about them. I have already written about what constellations are and what laws operate in them. But I didn't mention one important law. Because I want to talk about it separately. It does not belong to the hierarchy, but it permeates all life. It is - in my opinion - the basis of any harmonious relationship. And any complicated relationship one way or another, it is violated.

This is the law of balance. In any relationship, we must strike a balance between taking and giving. Harmonious relationships in this case are like a gymnast on a tightrope under a dome. With a long pole in his hands. He can only stand by balancing. And if one side of the pole outweighs, the gymnast will fall down. So are relationships.

How do we break the balance?

For example, a woman inherently loves to give - to serve, help, support. And while for many it is a problem to take. Accept gifts, compliments, help. At this moment, it seems that you owe something again. It is much easier not to accept, so as not to be indebted. And again give, give, give .... I know this very well myself. And it is this behavior of women that destroys relationships.

Of course, most of us are not 100% givers or 100% takers. In some situations we take too much, and in others we give too much. But it is important to understand that there must be a balance in any relationship.

If you give and give all the time, but do not take anything, the person remains in front of you in a huge debt. You seem to hang a huge loan around his neck, which he will never repay. First, you don't take anything from him. And secondly, interest and penalties are dripping there ... A person cannot live with such a burden - and he has no other option than leaving. And after that he still remains guilty - because I gave him best years own life.

If you take all the time, but give nothing, then sooner or later, the partner is depleted. There comes a point when he can no longer give. And he starts to want something for all these years. He asks, demands, takes offense, gets angry. If you are not ready to give something away, then the relationship is also doomed.

How to maintain balance

It is believed that receiving something good, it is always necessary to give a person a little more. That is, for example, he brought you a chocolate bar, and you gave him two tomorrow. Then he will tomorrow - three. And you give him four. And in such relationships, love increases every second. Because every moment of time, both think about how to make their loved one happy and give him a little more. And then everything is clear :)

But there is another exchange. If someone hurts another. What should be done? Sit and smile? Say: “I forgive you generously?” Will it make the relationship stronger? No.

For example, my husband has changed. Comes with confession. And the wife is not a tear, not a reproach. Forgives. Straightaway. What's happening? His guilt is multiplied a hundred times (I'm such a bastard, and my wife is a saint!). She is getting taller than him. And the family is already doomed. Love in them dies, because with such an imbalance, it cannot live. He will live with her out of guilt. She is out of a sense of duty.

It's not about not being forgiven. Vice versa. You need to forgive. But from a position of equality. From a systemic point of view, in this case, you need to respond to the partner with something bad, but a little less.

That is, in response to his betrayal, the wife is OBLIGED to throw a scandal, not to talk to him for a while, and so on. That is, to hurt him. But! A little less. And then everything bad in the family will tend to zero.

Balance must be everywhere

But the most important thing is that the exchange applies to everything around. To relationships in business, at work, with friends.

Have you noticed that when a person gives his whole soul at work for a meager salary, for some reason he is fired?

Or do the friends you help all the time often get impudent and break off relationships?

Also, a business from which money is constantly pulled out without investing anything, sooner or later dies.

These are the natural laws of growth and development of everything around. It is very important for us to learn to strike a balance. It is important to take everything that is given to us by partners, and give as much as is required.

The only relationships in which the law works a little differently are parent-child relationships. Parents always give to their children. Children only take from their parents. In order to give back later - but not back to the parents, but to their children. That is, you need to take and give. Just "in other hands."

Energy flows from ancestors to descendants, and never vice versa. We cannot turn back the river of love, and if we do, the result will be sad.

Parents give us life, and this is an unrequited debt. Our task is to receive this gift. Accept with all your heart. Agree that we can never give it back to them. Never. This divine gift which we receive through our parents.

Our task is to pass on this fire of Life further - to our children. And do not demand from them the return of debts. Just watch how they transfer energy to their children and so on. I will write about this separately, because the topic is too extensive and burning.

How to apply it to yourself

If I give too much, what should I do? You need to temporarily stop actively giving. And learn to take. If they give. If they don’t give yet, then learn not to wait until they start giving.

If I take a lot, what should I do? Temporarily stop taking and start learning to give. If they don't, then what do you do? At the very least, stop taking it.

How to measure "more" and "less" - in terms of returning a little more good or a little less bad? With their own feelings and your own conscience. Each of us inside ourselves always knows where this line is.

Is it possible to return the bad everywhere and is it normal? From my point of view, it is not normal to pretend that everything is fine. And in any relationship, you need to help your partner grow with the help of criticism as well. The form of criticism may be different. In response to betrayal, we must respond, otherwise the relationship will collapse completely. In response to a moment of inattention - at your own discretion, depending on the degree of mental pain.

Relationships are always exchange and movement. You can move either up or down. Either relationships grow stronger and develop, or they die and degrade. Personally, this knowledge helps me develop relationships. That is why I am writing about it.

I wish everyone to find that point where it will be comfortable and easy to take everything that is given by life, God and people. And at the same time, it will also be easy and joyful to give something else to Life, God and people.

Over the past month, I've had a lot of life script consultations. In my work, I use an excellent technique that, in a few minutes, allows you to discover in your life what you did not notice before. Every time I have a Skype session with a new client, I am surprised at how accurately this technique can be used to determine life scenario person. And I know, but it still surprises me every time.

So, thanks to these consultations, I drew attention to one interesting thing: there is a category of people for whom many problems in life could be easily resolved if they kept a balance between "take" and "give". It is by violating this balance that they create troubles for themselves that seriously spoil their lives.

I suggest that you pay attention to how this balance is observed in your life. Perhaps today you can begin to change your life for the better by correcting the give-and-take relationship.

The give-and-take relationship

In our lives, we are constantly faced with situations in which we either give something to others or take from them. But not everything is so simple. It happens that a person constantly gives something to others, but at the same time refuses to take, or, conversely, he only takes, but does not give anything in return. In such cases, there are obvious distortions in the balance of "take - give." Or rather, his, this balance, in this case absolutely not.

Ideally, the relationship should look like this: you were given something (you accepted), and you yourself gave something in return. It is desirable to give approximately the same amount as received, so that the exchange is approximately “equivalent”. We are still talking about balance, but it implies some kind of equality.

The simplest example is a store: if you take a product, you give money in return. The same applies to relationships: if a person has done something nice for you, then do something nice for him in return. Not necessarily right away, but do it. There is an opinion that in such cases you need to give a little more than you received, and then the recipient has a desire to give you even more, and in return you will give him even more, and so constantly, increasing the amount to everyone's pleasure, but deeper ones are affected there. layers, which I did not plan to talk about in the framework of this article, so let's return to balance, as to some kind of equilibrium.

Think of friendships or partnerships in your life that were comfortable for both parties, and look at them from a give-and-take perspective. You will see that this balance is maintained there. If the relationship ended at the initiative of one of the participants, then with a high degree of probability this was preceded by an imbalance.

Important exceptions to the rule

If you take a close look around, you will notice that such relationships take place almost everywhere: between spouses, in business, and almost everywhere in society ... But, speaking of the “take-give” balance in our life, it is imperative to remember important exceptions, in which we give not to the one from whom we took, but to a third party. This is the relationship between parent and child.

Ideally, parents only give their children (life, care, love, attention, clothes, food, a home ...), but do not demand anything back from them, and do not expect their children to return what they once received. The task of children is not to return the “debt” to their parents, because even if the children really want to, they still will not be able to return to their parents everything that they received from them to the same extent. The task of the children here is to pass on what they have received further to their own children.

It is believed that similar relationship formed between teacher and student. The teacher transfers his knowledge, and it will be extremely difficult for the student to return what he has received in the same volume, therefore, in order to restore balance, he can transfer his knowledge further, to other people.

Think about your relationship with taking and giving. What more? What is less? Or maybe you have balance? What do you like better - receiving or giving? Or both? And in the next article we will talk about how and what to do with it.

When we give, we need balance. If the balance is disturbed, then the relationship is violated, which can lead to their complete disintegration. Why and how does this happen?

I remember how they read to us at family therapy, then also at systemic family constellations about the law of balance of give and take. The system is considered stable if this balance is maintained. In reality, the theory works as follows. When we give something, it can be any benefit to our subjective view, we expect that a person will also treat us or our desires and needs, i.e. will also show care and love. This goes for almost any relationship.

When we give, we need balance

Why almost? Because we give children so much (life) that they will never be able to compensate us for it. Therefore, we simply give everything that we have, our love, care, attention, time, sometimes even health. Of course I have " loving parents”which remind about the debt and expect the fullest possible compensation from the children. And, probably, you are familiar with such examples when a child does not live his life, paying off a debt to his parents.

So when we give, we need balance. It can be expressed in the form of recognition, assignment of status, material values, emotional return, support, personal presence and time, etc.

If the balance is off, then the relationship is broken, which can lead to their complete collapse. And it is the one who took, or who invested less, who leaves.

Why and how does this happen? Because either there is nothing to give or there is an understanding (or vice versa, it is not realized, but felt) that this is a bottomless barrel and your forces, whatever they may be, are simply not enough, or you do not want to be bound. After all, "Debt is red in payment." Wherever there is “give, give” there is a price. Debt causes protest, anger, irritation.

And then the person begins to move away, reduces the time of communication in order to somehow reduce, reduce the debt - he tries not to take or depreciate, reduce the price. This leads to claims, conflicts and, as a result, to a break.

Now let's take the situation in a couple and planning a pregnancy. A man subconsciously understands that what a woman invests, he will need to compensate. Many will ask what she actually invests, she also wants a child and sometimes even more than a man. And why? Because she gets, "binds" the debt of this man, at least she can think so, that "he will not go anywhere when I give birth."

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Because when she invests her health, the risk to her life, the experience of contractions and the pain of childbirth itself, she expects from a man that he is what ...? Yes, what will happen: he is grateful to her, will be with her all his life, will take care and support her and ... and further down the list ...

That is why many men, subconsciously understanding this, make their wives expensive gifts, take on several jobs, participate in partner births to share the pain and heaviness to even out the balance. Or, or do not want children (or simply do not want, or from a specific woman). Intuitively feeling that they will never be able to compensate, they leave.

Nobody wants to be in debt, it's hard and it's very difficult to stay in this feeling for a long time. Ask yourself: pregnancy and the desire for a child - am I giving or compensating? For example: I compensate my husband for a good standard of living, love and care, but he really wants children. Or I compensate my parents, who have invested so much and are now looking forward to grandchildren. Here I am and I will be free. Or do I give - in order to receive later (from my husband, children, parents, the state ...)?

It can be said that the calculated monetary relations. Yes, if the motives are not constructive, if the internal need is satisfied in a destructive way. It's just the law. He works like that. That even if something was given to us wholeheartedly, we also want to do something nice in return. Only then will there be balance and harmony in the relationship.

Thinking further, Only balance can move forward.. An example is our body. If only one leg can walk fully, and the second cannot, then we will move poorly. And then an additional load on a healthy leg will sooner or later lead to its diseases. As a result, walking may become impossible.

Breathing, when we inhale and exhale the same volume. Try to exhale more than you inhale, it will not work. Again balance. A helicopter with one blade will simply go into a tailspin.

Likewise, partnerships require balance. Otherwise, the relationship will get sick, stop moving forward, stop. Analyze your give-and-take balance. Where you do not add or vice versa give more than you receive. Why, why am I doing this? How can I restore balance? What needs to be done for this? published .

Anastasia Danilova

This important law permeates all life. It is - in my opinion - the basis of any harmonious relationship. And any difficult relationship in one way or another violates it.

It's the law of balance. In any relationship, we must strike a balance between taking and giving. Harmonious relationships in this case are like a gymnast on a tightrope under a dome. With a long pole in his hands. He can only stand by balancing. And if one side of the pole outweighs, the gymnast will fall down. So are relationships.

Of course, most of us are not 100% givers or 100% takers. In some situations we take too much, and in others we give too much. But it's important to understand that there must be balance in every relationship.

If you keep giving and you give, but you do not take anything - the person remains in front of you in a huge debt. You seem to hang a huge loan around his neck, which he will never repay. First, you don't take anything from him. And secondly, interest and penalties are dripping there ... A person cannot live with such a burden - and he has no other option than leaving. And after that, he still remains guilty - because I gave him the best years of my life.

If you keep taking, but you give nothing, then sooner or later, the partner is depleted. There comes a point when he can no longer give. And he starts to want something for all these years. He asks, demands, is offended, angry ... If you are not ready to give something away, then the relationship is also doomed.

But there is another exchange. If someone hurts another. What should be done? Sit and smile? Say: “I forgive you generously?” Will it make the relationship stronger? No.

Balance must be everywhere

But the most important thing is exchange applies to everything around. To relationships in business, at work, with friends.

Have you noticed that when a person gives his whole soul at work for a meager salary, for some reason he is fired?

Or do the friends you help all the time often get impudent and break off relationships?

Also, a business from which money is constantly pulled out without investing anything, sooner or later dies.

The only relationships where the law works a little differently are parent-child relationships.. Parents always give to their children. Children only take from their parents. In order to give back later - but not back to the parents, but to their children. That is, you need to take and give. Just "in other hands."

Energy flows from ancestors to descendants, and never vice versa. We cannot turn back the river of love, and if we do, the result will be sad.

Parents give us life, and this is an unrequited debt. Our task is to accept this gift. Accept with all your heart. Agree that we can never give it back to them. Never. This is a divine gift that we receive through our parents.

How to apply it to yourself

I added this paragraph in response to questions

I recommend that everything written be applied only to myself. Only then is it possible to change something. Do not think about the partner, where he belongs. And think about where I belong, what I do, and what I don’t.
If I give too much, what should I do? You need to temporarily stop actively giving. And learn to take. If they give. If they don’t give yet, then learn not to wait until they start giving.
If I take a lot, what should I do? Temporarily stop taking and start learning to give. If they don't, then what do you do? At the very least, stop taking it.
How to measure "more" and "less" - in terms of returning a little more good or a little less bad? Your own feelings and your own conscience. Each of us always knows inside ourselves where this line is.
Is it possible to return the bad everywhere and is it normal? From my point of view, it is not normal to pretend that everything is fine. And in any relationship, you need to help your partner grow with the help of criticism as well. The form of criticism may be different. In response to betrayal, we must respond, otherwise the relationship will collapse completely. In response to a moment of inattention - at your own discretion, depending on the degree of mental pain.
Relationships are always exchange and movement. You can move either up or down. Either relationships grow stronger and develop, or they die and degrade. Personally, this knowledge helps me develop relationships. That is why I am writing about it.