When the mother-daughter relationship is like crazy. When mother and daughter are rivals

Our expert - family psychologist, art therapist, business coach Olga Zavodilina.

Mom's mistakes

Perception adult daughter like a small child

Often, a mother unconsciously perceives her adult daughter as a little girl who does not understand anything and needs constant care.

What is the reason

There are several reasons for this behavior.

Fear that the daughter, feeling independent, will leave and the mother will be left alone. Therefore, the mother unconsciously shows her daughter that she is still small, does not know how, and the mother is well versed in life, so you need to listen to her advice in everything. But an adult daughter wants independence, and a conflict arises.

Fear of old age and death. Many of us have an unconscious feeling that younger children, topics younger parents. As soon as the daughter grows up, the mother begins to feel old. This is unpleasant, so the mother continues to consider her daughter a small child.

Reluctance to acknowledge daughter's views

An adult daughter's outlook on life can be very different from her mother's. For example, a daughter has met a man she loves and feels happy. But the mother has her own ideas about how her daughter's man should be. And then the mother begins to impose her views, not paying attention to the fact that the daughter is quite happy.

What is the reason

Unrealized dreams. Parents often try to realize their dreams through their children. That is why the child is taken to circles and sections that parents like, and not him. This continues into adulthood. The mother sincerely tries to make her daughter happy, the way she herself once dreamed of being. But it is hard for a daughter to give up her desires for the sake of her mother, and this leads to frequent quarrels.

The notion that there can only be one truth. Both mothers and daughters are often sure that if their views differ, then someone is wrong. And none of the women can understand that there can be several opinions and each of them has the right to exist.

Competition with daughter

It happens that the mother unconsciously joins the competitive process with her daughter. For example, a daughter calls her mother, wants to get support from her in difficult situation. And the mother begins to talk about how hard it is for her to live. The daughter begins to feel guilty for disturbing her mother, who already has so many problems. Or another example: a daughter tells her mother what she has cooked unusual dish. And she, instead of just being happy for her daughter, says that she has known this recipe for a long time and even improved it slightly, thanks to which the food became much tastier. And so every time. As a result, the daughter wants to turn to her mother less and less.

What is the reason

The habit of comparing yourself to others. Such behavior of the mother often indicates that once parents constantly set other children as an example to her. Now the woman has the opportunity to compensate for this by comparing herself with her daughter, but now in her own favor.

The desire to prove their worth. Often a child is praised only if he was able to achieve something. For example, won the competition, received a diploma. As an adult, a person unconsciously continues to compete with others and prove his superiority.

Memories of past hurts

Often, communication between mother and daughter comes down to sorting out relationships, recalling old grievances and claims.

What is the reason

Mother's expectations. At one time, the mother obeyed her parents in everything, giving up her desires. Now she expects the same behavior from her daughter.

Desire to be grateful. The mother believes that for the sake of raising her daughter, she sacrificed her own interests. And now she is waiting for gratitude for it. As a result, the mother complains to her adult daughter that, for example, she prefers to go on a date rather than stay with her mother. After all, a mother once did so much for her child! And even if the daughter begins to sacrifice her life, the mother cannot feel her love and gratitude. This is hindered by resentment towards oneself for having once deprived oneself of the joy of life.

daughter's mistakes

• Indulging mother's scripts. Often the daughter begins either to play along with the mother, or to fight for her rights, destroying the relationship. Meanwhile, it is important to understand that both of you are adults, independent women and you have nothing to share.
• Desire to change your mother. Often an adult daughter tries to teach her mother, demanding that she change. But it is impossible to remake an adult. So is it worth starting a quarrel over this?
• Mother's punishment. Sometimes the daughter tries to punish the mother, "restoring justice." For example, he constantly recalls his childhood grievances, unconsciously trying to make his mother feel guilty.

How to build relationships

In order for peace to reign in the family, both women will have to do quite a lot of work.

• Mothers need to remember that the daughter has already grown up. She herself is responsible for her life and is able to make any decisions. The daughter should also understand that she is an adult independent person and there is no need to aggressively prove this fact.
• Find yourself interesting activity and live your own life, not someone else's.
• Remember that everyone can have their own opinion, stop challenging other people's views. Instead, learn to be truly interested in each other. Ask why loved one some kind of idea emerged. Listen to his point of view.
• Both daughters and mothers need to stop comparing themselves to others. Learn to rejoice and worry about each other without trying to prove your superiority.
• It is important to understand yourself and understand what grievances you have accumulated in relation to each other. Turn to a specialist for help in learning to forgive and not use resentment in communicating with each other.

First Reader

Irina Klimova, actress

If a mother continues to treat her adult daughter like a child, tries to control and does not take into account her opinion, then quarrels are inevitable and relations will not be good.
Most the best option when a mother, looking at her growing daughter, gradually becomes her not just a friend, but her best friend.

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What mother does not want her daughter to have happy life? But it often turns out that the relationship between a mother and a teenage daughter turns into a real one. competition. What are they fighting for and who will win this fight, we asked the psychologist, coach, relationship expert Marina Khmelovskaya.

Mom and daughter, posting their yoga classes in the photoblog, became famous.

Our reader is concerned about her relationship with her teenage daughter, which she describes as competitive. Here is a quote from her letter: "I am developing (alas, only now) how sexually attractive woman. My daughter is already at the age when she develops her girlish qualities. My husband, like a man, compliments me. And, like a dad, he compliments his daughter: "My beautiful daughter." My daughter sees me as a competitor. How to live through this period, how to behave, how to cope with your resentment?" Do cases when mother and daughter compete with each other really take place in families?

Alas, the topic of competition between mother and daughter is not such a rarity in society. Growing, maturing daughters often become the object of attention from men against the backdrop of fading mothers, even if they are attractive. And if the mothers themselves did not receive enough love and wisdom in their time, this alignment can lead to direct competition. How can one not recall the story "Nuncha" from "Tales of Italy" by Maxim Gorky. Bright woman Nuncha can't handle being "bypassed" by her daughter Nina. “As a mother, she was proud of her daughter’s beauty, as a woman, Nuncha could not help but envy her youth; Nina stood between her and the sun, it was a shame for the mother to live in the shade,” this story says.

Gorky is extremely juicy about the relationship between two women. But, as you understand, this does not lead to anything good. Lacking the necessary wisdom, Nuncha offers his daughter a competition - running a race through the streets of the city, and, it would seem, wins it. Nina falls exhausted, and Nuncha pulls forward and ... dies of a broken heart. In my opinion, the conclusions here are obvious. Parents have no other way but to help their children become stars, and not prevent them from doing so. Of course, this is only possible when the parent sees a continuation in his child. The absence of such a vision indicates that this person serious problems.

What are these problems and in what cases does the mother begin to compete with her daughter?

Often mothers are involved in the process of competition with their own daughters, who for many years did not pay due attention to themselves, did not take care of their body, their needs, desires. They lived only for the interests of their children and families.

Children grow up, and the woman finally begins to realize how much she has lost, she is overwhelmed by the feeling that she did not have time to enjoy her youth, that life has passed her by. And then she begins to look younger, to dress beyond her age, to demand heightened attention, compliments, gifts, showing with all my behavior, now I am the main one in the family, I have taken care of you for many years, now please pay off your debts. Annoyed at a beautiful and successful daughter, in fact, the mother is angry at herself, that she cannot be as happy. The teenager simply enhances the processes that are in the mother.

Motherhood is work. People start to compete when they stop learning from each other. Teaching in a pair of "mother - daughter" is the prerogative of the mother. If she stopped teaching her child, pass female experience, skills, means she has lost interest in herself. But the habit of being in contact remained, and now they make this contact through competition.

"family competition begins where there is no strong unifying factor, so it is important to create it"

How does this competition manifest itself?

Competition from two women can manifest itself different ways: to whom dad gave more compliments, to whom what gift he gave, who dressed more beautifully, with whom dad spent more time, what opinion he listened to more. If the daughter competes with her mother, then this fits into the process of development and formation of a teenager. Parents just need to line up correct model interactions between all family members.

What role does dad play in the competition between mother and daughter?

The best thing a dad can do is not take sides. And keep a balance in the distribution of attention. If he complimented his daughter, then he gave flowers to his mother. If he gave a gift to his daughter, then he gave his mother a compliment or helped. It is important for him to make it clear that both women are valuable. If the daughter perceives her mother as a competitor and fights for the attention of her father, then in every possible way you need to let her know that she is loved and appreciated. I recommend that dad compliments a teenager with mom. And mother, in turn, support and join her husband's compliments, praise her daughter.

If a conflict between mother and daughter is already ripe, then dad should not interfere. “First, you will sort it out among yourselves, agree, then come to me and we will discuss our joint leisure time,” should be something like the answer of the head of the family.

Competition in the family begins where there is no strong unifying factor, so it is important to create it. For example, enter family traditions- trips to picnics, subbotniks, joint dinners, games. It is very important to find some common cause for the whole family and direct all the energy there - helping the poor, raising charitable funds, volunteering in various projects.

In the letter, the reader asked a question, how should she be. How to deal with a daughter who is in competition with her mother, and how to deal with her own competition?

It is worth remembering that adolescence is a period of separation, when the child wants to be considered as an adult. And if parents ignore this need, then he steps on the warpath, proving his adulthood. Therefore, we recommend parents to listen in every possible way to the opinion of their teenage child, give him freedom of choice within reasonable limits and develop the skill of being independent.

“No one asks you”, “You are still too young to have your own opinion”, “You’ll live with me, then we’ll see” - one often hears such phrases from parents. Replace them with: “It is important for me to hear what you think about this”, “You have an interesting view on this issue. Although my life experience suggests that it happens differently”, “I will accept any decision you make, if it is not will harm your health, will not go against the law and moral standards.

If the problem is in the mother, then it is necessary:

Contact a psychologist. It is important to identify the reasons for such behavior, to help an adult woman become aware of them and find a resource within herself to cope with this situation.

It is urgent to take up self-acceptance, your development, shift your focus of attention from this struggle to yourself. Ask yourself questions honestly: "What does my daughter have that I don't? How can I compensate for this by working on myself, and not fighting my daughter?"

Tatyana Koryakina

For the disclosure of the topic, we thank the head of the international personality development project "Life as a miracle" (zhiznkakchudo.ua), the organizer international festivals Psychologist, Coach, Relationship Expert, Destiny Consultant, Psychologist, Author of Books and Meditations Marina Khmelovskaya.

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Ksenia Kiseleva:

Someone idealizes his mother, and someone admits that he hates her and cannot find her mutual language, - why is this such a special relationship, why do they hurt us so much and cause such different reactions 1 ?

Maria Timofeeva:

A mother is not just an important character in a child's life. According to psychoanalysis, almost the entire human psyche is formed in early relationship with Mother. They are not comparable to any others. The mother for the child, according to the psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, is in fact environment in which it is formed. And when relationships go wrong this child would be useful, its development is distorted. In practice, the relationship with the mother determines everything in a person's life.

M. T.:

Certainly. Because a mother never becomes for her adult child a person with whom he can build equal rights. trusting relationship. The mother remains an incomparable figure in his life with nothing and no one.

K.K.:

What then might a healthy, prosperous relationship with the mother look like for an adult daughter?

M. T.:

I think you have seen such examples. These are relationships in which adult women can communicate and negotiate with each other, live a separate life - each of her own. They can be angry with each other and disagree, dissatisfied with something, but at the same time aggression does not destroy love and respect, and no one takes away their children and grandchildren from anyone.

K.K.:

What gets in the way of such a good relationship?

M. T.:

The mother-daughter relationship is the most complex of the four possible combinations (father-son, father-daughter, mother-son, and mother-daughter). The fact is that the mother for the daughter is the primary object of affection. But then, at the age of 3–5 years, she needs to transfer her libidinal feelings to her father, and she begins to fantasize: “When I grow up, I will marry my father.” This is the same Oedipal complex that Freud discovered, and it is strange that no one before him did this, because the attraction of the child to the parent of the opposite sex was noticeable at all times.

When you start loving dad, mom becomes a rival, and you both somehow need to share dad's love.

And it is very difficult for a girl to go through this mandatory stage of development. After all, when you start to love dad, mom becomes a rival, and both of you somehow need to share dad's love. It is very difficult for a girl to compete with her mother, who is still loved and important to her. And the mother, in turn, is often jealous of her husband for her daughter. But this is only one line. There is also a second one. For a little girl, her mother is the object of affection, but then she needs to identify with her mother in order to grow and become a woman.

There is some contradiction here: the girl has to simultaneously love her mother, fight with her for the attention of her father, and identify with her. And here a new difficulty arises. The fact is that mother and daughter are very similar, and it is very easy for them to identify with each other. It is easy for a girl to mix her own and her mother's, and it is easy for a mother to see her continuation in her daughter. Many women are really bad at distinguishing themselves from their daughters. It's like psychosis. If you ask them directly, they will object and say that they distinguish everything perfectly and do everything for the good of their daughters. But at some deep level, this boundary is blurred.

K.K.:

That is, when a woman takes care of her daughter, is she in some sense taking care of herself?

M. T.:

Not really. Rather, through her daughter she wants to realize what she has not realized in life. Or something that she herself loves very much. She sincerely believes that her daughter should love what she loves, that she will like to do what she herself does. Moreover, the mother simply does not distinguish between her own and her needs, desires, feelings.

Do you know jokes like "put on a hat, I'm cold"? She really feels for her daughter. I remember an interview with artist Yuri Kuklachev, who was asked: “How did you raise your children?” He says: “And this is the same as with cats. A cat cannot be taught any tricks. I can only notice what she is inclined to, what she likes. One is jumping, the other is playing with a ball. And I develop this tendency. Likewise with children. I just looked at what they are, what they naturally come out with. And then I developed them in this direction.

Reasonable approach - when a child is looked at as a separate creature with its own personal characteristics

Here is the one reasonable approach when the child is viewed as a separate being with its own personal characteristics. And how many mothers do we know who seem to take care: they take their children to circles, exhibitions, classical music concerts, because according to them deep feeling This is exactly what a child needs. And then they also blackmail them with phrases like: “I put my whole life on you,” which cause an enormous feeling of guilt in adult children. Again, this looks like psychosis.

In fact, psychosis is the indistinguishability between what is happening inside you and what is outside. The mother is outside the daughter. And the daughter is outside of her. But when a mother believes that her daughter likes what she likes, she begins to lose this boundary between inner and outer. outside world. And the same thing happens to my daughter. They are the same sex, they really are very similar. This is where the theme of shared insanity comes in, a kind of mutual psychosis that only extends to their relationship. If you do not observe them together, you may not notice any violations at all. Their interaction with other people will be quite normal. Although some distortions are possible. For example, this daughter has with women of the maternal type - with bosses, female teachers.

K.K.:

And what predisposes to the emergence of such a divided madness? Some special type of personality, some conditions of upbringing?

M. T.:

Very complex issue. Here it is necessary to recall the figure of the father. One of his functions in the family is to stand between mother and daughter at some point. This is how a triangle appears, in which there is a relationship between the daughter and the mother, and the daughter with the father, and the mother with the father.

But very often the mother tries to arrange so that the communication of the daughter with the father goes through her. The triangle collapses. I have met families where this model is reproduced for several generations: there are only mothers and daughters, and the fathers are removed, or they are divorced, or they never existed, or they are alcoholics and have no weight in the family. Who in this case will destroy their closeness and merging? Who will help them separate and look somewhere else but at each other and "mirror" their madness?

By the way, do you know that in almost all cases of Alzheimer's or some other types of senile dementia, mothers call their daughters "moms"? In fact, in such a symbiotic relationship, there is no distinction between who is related to whom. Everything merges.

K.K.:

About the important role of the father in the family. At some point I was surprised that I can understand about many women I know: she is my mother's daughter or my father's. There are girls who love their father more, imitate him more, follow him, but there are, on the contrary, mother's daughters. Can this be explained somehow?

M. T.:

Do you know what people say? In order for the child to be happy, the girl must be like her father, and the boy must be like her mother. And there is a saying that fathers always want sons, but love more than daughters. This folk wisdom fully corresponds to the psychic relations prepared by nature. I think that it is especially difficult for a girl who grows up as a "mother's daughter" to separate from her mother.

K.K.:

Relationship between mother and daughter adolescence especially difficult?

M. T.:

Yes, this is a difficult period. The girl grows up, enters childbearing age and finds herself, as it were, in the field of adult women, thereby pushing her mother into the field of old women. This does not necessarily take place in this moment but that's the essence of the change. And many mothers, without realizing it, experience it very painfully. Which, by the way, is reflected in folk tales about an evil stepmother and a young stepdaughter.

Indeed, it is difficult to endure that a girl, a daughter, is blooming, and you are getting old. A teenage daughter has her own tasks: she needs to separate from her parents. In theory, the libido that awakens in her after a latent period of 12–13 years should be turned from the family outward, to her peers. And the child during this period should leave the family.

If a girl's bond with her mother is very close, it is difficult for her to break free. And she remains a "home girl", which is perceived as good sign: grew calm, obedient child. In order to separate, to overcome attraction in such a situation of merger, the girl must have a lot of protest and aggression, which is perceived as rebellion and depravity.

K.K.:

But if the mother is aware of all the dangers and pitfalls of such a relationship, will it be easier for her to separate from her daughter?

M. T.:

It is impossible to realize everything, but, of course, it will be easier for them. You once asked me such a radical question: “Is a daughter obliged to love her mother?” In fact, a daughter cannot help but love her mother. But in close relationships there is always love and aggression, and in the mother-daughter relationship of this love there is a sea and a sea of ​​aggression. The only question is what will win - love or hate?

Always want to believe that love. We all know such families where everyone treats each other with respect, everyone sees in the other a person, an individual, and at the same time feels how dear and close he is.

About the expert

Maria Timofeeva- psychoanalyst, full member of the Moscow Psychoanalytic Society, member of the International Psychoanalytic Association.

1 Interview was recorded for the program "Status: in a relationship", radio "Culture", September 2016.

The well-known fact that psychological age a person has little to do with his passport data. We cannot inside be older than our lived years, but younger - it happens often, depending on how the process of our growing up proceeded. Developmental traumas, like any traumas, are events not experienced by our psyche, and therefore not assimilated and not turned into experience. When there is no experience of successfully passing the planned age or other crisis, a certain part of the psyche is fixed at this stage and continues to function at this level. And it doesn't really matter how many years a person has lived.

There are babies. Adults, perhaps successful in some way, but in any close relationship their behavior patterns are the claims of the infant to the mother. Inadequate demands on the other, egocentrism, inability to empathize and notice the needs of a partner, objectivity, outbursts of uncontrollable rage in any situation where he was not pleased. These are ways of contacting the human world very early age. Here we are not talking about situational manifestations in communication, but about permanent character traits, stable patterns. These are people whose psyche is partially fixed in the infantile phase of development. They are prone to addictions of any kind, because they constantly feel a lack of symbiotic connection. This is a vivid example, and each of us probably knows a couple of such babies.

But the article is about something else. In it, I want to consider two phases of development in which the girl is forced to face such a phenomenon as competition with her own mother. Why they are needed, how they proceed, and what happens in the life of an adult woman when development is fixed in these phases.

The first important stage in the formation of female identity is the oedipal. Approximately the age of 3-5 years is the phase of the formation of guilt, gaining one's size, giving up the illusion of infantile omnipotence. The child begins to understand that not everything in this world obeys his whims. Mom ceases to resort at any time on demand. There are some obligations and restrictions that he must follow in order to be accepted. The girl is faced with the fact that her father does not belong to her, that he is a partner of her mother. She is jealous of her father for her mother, envy appears for her as his partner. This phase is necessary, among other things, in order for the little girl to form a sense of belonging to her gender. The price of the issue is the loss of competition to the mother. That is, only by resigning herself to the fact that her mother is a big and full-fledged woman, and she is small - and not yet full-fledged, and therefore - dad will not be with her, but will be with her mother, the girl gets the opportunity to go through an oedipal crisis, which means further growing up . The chance to someday turn from a caterpillar into a butterfly.

For a child, these are unpleasant experiences, but bearable if parents participate in living through his crisis. Instead of lost early illusions, the girl gets a feeling of connection with her mother, as with her own kind. She has an incentive to enter into an alliance with her mother, to grow up, taking her example.

If, for some reason, a fixation occurs in this phase, the living of the crisis stops. grown woman can often get into trouble, not feeling his real size relative to other women. It is often forced to compete out of place, through competition, as it were, confirming the very fact of its existence. Her identity is confused, and she's bad at navigating what she may or may not claim. Who is she and with whom is she similar, and with whom is she too different. Because of the blurred boundaries, it is difficult for her to understand where is hers and where is someone else's. In adult life this leads to a wide variety of consequences and complexities. One of the most striking examples: an almost comical lady of Balzac's age, who wears clothes that do not fit her figure and status, defiantly puts on make-up, giggles and simpering for no reason, flirting with all her colleagues at work. When she was younger, infantilism was often forgiven by those around her. But what older man, the more inconsistencies are evident.

Any crisis that is not fully lived makes it difficult to live the next one. Since in human development there is a certain sequence of stages of growing up, each with its own age crisis and tasks. If the task has not been completed, it remains as an outstanding debt at the institute. At the next session, during the next crisis, its new tasks will drag the tail of the unresolved ones with them.

Sometimes a woman with oedipal problems is lucky, and she finds herself a rival, whom she loses the competition to smithereens. The collapse of illusions about oneself in adulthood is more painful than in childhood, but it still allows you to determine your boundaries, discover your size, your weaknesses, and then strengths. And re-form the image of yourself, your feminine identity, based on a greater connection with reality. The lived crisis in this case is multiple, because it pulls unresolved tails behind it. While it lasts, the woman will curse fate from the pain that has fallen on her, but towards the end of it she will definitely find that she is still lucky. Fresh sprouts of a new, more mature identity will appear, which means internal supports that you can grab onto.

If everything went well in the oedipal phase, the girl ceded her father to her mother and resigned herself to her role, she grows, develops, goes through a couple more age crises at school and begins to enter the pubertal zone. Toward its end, a period of psychological separation begins. Here it is important for a girl to discover her differences from her mother, features and individual traits. At this age, relationships with peers become more important. The girl wants to win their attention, strives to insist on her right to be separate from her mother and the other in everything that is important to her. Encountering the natural resistance of the mother to the fact of the distance of the maturing child, the teenage girl seeks to obtain from her the recognition of the right to her otherness. To be not like the mother, as it was at the oedipal age, but in some ways to be completely different and perhaps even superior to the mother, for example, in physical beauty, youth and perspectives. And no matter how difficult it may be for some mothers to come to terms with this, the daughter at this moment needs recognition of her burgeoning femininity.

If all this is received and everything important with the mother is won back. If she accepts that her daughter loves not good music, but electro house, not normal clothes, but strange hats and platforms, not a human form, but lilac hair and black lipstick. If the mother further allows her daughter to go not where she herself dreamed, but where it would be better if her eyes did not look, etc. ... If the mother recognizes her daughter in these differences, the girl gains self-confidence and the ability to trust herself, her desires , aspirations and hopes. In her main war at this age - for the recognition of her peers, her mother acts as her ally, not her enemy. If, on the other hand, a mother suppresses her child out of anxiety or poorly realized envy, one of the most important separation crises can be: a) never passed, with the ensuing consequences - lack of confidence, lack of independence, avoidance of competition; and b) passed at the cost of breaking the internal bond with the mother and then seeking another adult figure to gain acceptance. (Provided that the child is fixed for more early stages development - the separation crisis may not be overcome due to the complex "tail" of tasks that the child cannot cope with.)

Only if the girl has all these relationships with her mother, the positive contribution of the father can play a role in the formation of her feminine identity. important role. When a father knows how to normally and humanly confirm the attractiveness and maturation of a girl, this adds to her confidence in communicating with the opposite sex and teaches her to keep good boundaries. If the girl did not have a fulfilling and nurturing relationship with her mother, or a substitute adult figure, the father's love will not help form a normal identity, but rather turn into a kind of psychological incest. Because a man cannot teach a woman to be a woman. Like a mother alone, she is unable to help her son form a male identity.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, no one can reward us with identity. No one can convince a woman that she is a woman if inside she feels like a confused girl or a protesting teenager. It is a personal choice and responsibility of everyone - whether to go in search of their own, or remain immature, since they have not managed to grow up during their childhood. Many people live their whole lives with the identity of a non-adult person, adapt somehow. It's hard, but they live. And someone chooses to grow themselves up in order to live somehow differently. Well, psychotherapy helps seekers to direct efforts in the right direction.