How to behave after the death of his wife. After the death of a loved one. Loss of a loved one. How to deal with the death of your wife

– Alcoholism is called a chemical addiction. Konstantin Alexandrovich, please explain what kind of illness this is.

Konstantin Belousov

“Chemical addiction is not only a disease of the body. Alcoholism, drug addiction and other types of chemical dependence are recognized as a bio-psycho-socio-spiritual model of the disease. The disease is primary, chronic, progressive and, in general, incurable. When a person loses the ability to drink alcohol, irreversible changes occur in his brain. He can no longer become normal in the usual sense. drinking man. Even if, after a long and persistent remission, he begins to drink alcohol, these chemical mechanisms will work again.

With the help of various programs - one of which we use - a person will recover. I want to emphasize that not to be treated, but to recover. He will be in the process of recovery, and this process can last for an arbitrarily long time, that is, all the time his condition will improve in all four aspects - I mean the bio-psycho-socio-spiritual model.

As for the spiritual aspect, which I most often encounter in my practice, people who abuse alcohol lose their universal values.

What are the values ​​here in question? First of all, it's a family. Normal people value their wife, their husband, their children, and the family hearth in general. An alcoholic is an outcast who does not value his family. You can continue this chain and say that he does not value the team at work, he does not value friendship, he does not value God. He does not have God in his life, because he has only one God - the substance that he uses.

– What is codependency?

- My personal observations show that there are no independent people in principle. You know, there is even such an expression that a person has only one choice - the choice of dependence. There is nothing wrong with that, because you can depend on God. We depend on electricity and, in general, do not suffer from it.

But the codependency, which this case in question, it is still considered a disease - both psychological and including spiritual. The presence of an alcoholic in the family or in the environment introduces dysfunction into the life of the most co-dependent. He begins to worry about the other person, about meeting his needs. But let's not forget that the needs of the addict are distorted, alcohol is more important for him than anything else.

However, by connecting, the codependent begins to smooth things over, he advocates - you know, as they say, "the devil's advocate." The most common case when relatives do not take dirty linen out of the hut. It is not customary to tell someone somewhere that my husband, son, relative, friend is an alcoholic. To say that my friend has tuberculosis or diabetes is nothing to worry about. But an alcoholic is somehow not good.

The wives of alcoholics call work when the husband cannot go out, lie that the husband is ill, that he had a fever, high pressure and so on. They smooth the corners and work in this case on the disease itself.

There is such an axiom that I constantly tell co-addicts in group classes - until an alcoholic feels the consequences of his use, there is no point in recovering for him.

There is a causal relationship: if a person gets drunk, gets dirty and his pants are washed for him, it makes no sense for him to somehow react to this. If he got drunk and did not go to work, and his wife called and said: you know, we have family problems, and thus protected him - there is no point in reacting to this. If he was injured while drunk, but his relatives paid money so that they would not write about it in official papers, it makes no sense for an alcoholic to do something again. Therefore, codependent people are essentially on the side of alcohol.

Photo: Natalia Dorosh / journal.liberty.su

“I love you, but I hate your illness”

– A natural question arises - what to do?

- Well, probably, first of all, to separate the disease from the person himself. The inability to do this is the most common mistake. An obvious, but not easily feasible, way out is to tell yourself and the dependent person: I love you, but I hate your illness. It sounds beautiful and in general is simple, but it is very difficult to distinguish one from the other. To do this, you need to turn to specialists, undergo some kind of therapy, study the issue thoroughly, and it is unlikely that I will be able to fully reveal this aspect to you in one conversation.

But the most important thing is to stop doing what you are used to. When codependents come to me and ask them to teach them how to do the right thing, I explain to them that I cannot give advice, because in this way I take responsibility.

But at the same time, I ask simple questions. What does your relative drink for? They tell me: with my own money. Okay, but does he pay the rent? At this moment, people often think. Then they say, well, you know, partially, but in general, they don’t pay. Does he give money for food? Does he have loans? And so on. It turns out that the codependent caters the use of this alcoholic. So, for starters, you need to stop pouring water on the mill of disease.

– It turns out that the dependent relieves himself of the responsibility that the co-dependent picks up?

– In general, yes. The codependent takes on extra responsibility, completely unnecessary. You can tell he takes over Negative consequences this usage. That is why it is called a disease.

The root of the word here is “pain”. An alcoholic is not hurt by what he drinks, but a co-dependent is hurt when his relative drinks. That's what disease is.

And for many co-addicts, this is hard to explain. They often begin to say: "You teach us not to love our relatives." I have to go back and say the same phrase "I love you, but I don't love your illness." If a codependent person learns to separate one from the other, then he begins to live a normal, calm life. True, it's not easy.

– It turns out that in order to help the addict and yourself, the best way out is to separate from the person, leaving him to himself, and go about your life?

– Each case must be considered individually. I can't issue one template for all. For example, the relationship between husband and wife is different from the relationship between mother and son.

So, the mistake of many mothers is that they see a child in their grown children and thus develop infantilism in them. It happens that a woman talks about her son for a long time, then you ask how old he is, it turns out: 38. And it seems that she is talking about a man from kindergarten: here he is just an invalid, lying on the couch, watching TV, playing computer games, but sometimes he feels bad, he needs to relax, drink, and she understands him, otherwise he has no inspiration. These are such paradoxical stories. Developing infantilism, it is impossible to allow a person to grow up. This is also a simple axiom.

You know, there is such an idea that I share and myself strive for this in my life. I have to teach my children to do without me. For them to grow up and be normal people. And many believe that children should always remain children, mom and dad should nurture them. This is one of the main mistakes, I think.

She believes that she should carry this cross - but both go to the grave

– Why is codependency dangerous for a person? It is clear that an alcoholic can die as a result of his illness. And what processes occur with co-dependent?

- For a co-dependent person, this trauma that his relative is an alcoholic, and nothing can be done about it, leads to his own internal crisis. Sometimes it just brings people to strokes, heart attacks, in my practice there are such cases. Of my close acquaintances, the wife died before the alcoholic husband. It was just that she was paralyzed, and her husband did not bother to call an ambulance. She died, and he continued to thump. And he lived for a few more years.

The disease is not outside, it is inside. Of course, a codependent person needs to recover, just like an addict. If the focus of the addict is his substance, then the focus of the codependent is his sick relative. And he, if I may say so, creates an idol out of it, which, as we know, is no good. The co-dependent idolizes him, believes that he must carry this cross. Although they both go to the grave.

I know many cases where - mostly women - began to recover, pulled away, built boundaries and began to change, that is, to break free from codependency. When their relative, who drank, saw that his wife (or sister or mother) was changing, no longer picking up after him, no longer relieving him of responsibility, he had no choice but to start doing something with himself. Wash your pants, cook your meals, pay your loans - take responsibility for your life. And then - of course, not always - but something happened to the addicted person himself.

I know one woman - now she is doing well - she began to recover under the codependency program. She realized that she had her own life, and she was not going to die, because her husband was going to do it. As a result, her husband really died of alcoholism, she lives alone, but she has a child, she graduated from the institute, became a church member.

– What are the first steps to recovery from codependency?

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. If I haven't admitted my failure, I have nowhere to go. If I do not recognize myself as sick, then I do not need to be treated. One of the features of both alcoholism and codependency is the denial of the disease. This is the very first symptom.

If you ask any addict if he thinks he is an alcoholic, he will immediately begin to put forward a bunch of reasons why you are wrong, despite the obvious facts. The same thing happens with codependents. Until you overcome this denial, there is nowhere to move, there is no point.

There is a good phrase that spiritual life begins from the moment when a person stops relying on his own strength and begins to hope in God. I think it is very appropriate to mention this here, because codependents, relatively speaking, often play the role of God. They believe that they will save their relative.

But this disease is not treated just like that, sometimes even by doctors - narcology yields to alcoholism, there is a minimum percentage of recovery, if I remember correctly, no more than two percent. Because they treat the biological aspect - there are droppers for this, but what to do with the other three aspects? They can't do anything about it. And even more so, a codependent person can do nothing about it - weak person. But with the help of God, everything is possible. I see this in my practice.

Interviewed by Ksenia Vokhmintseva

Konstantin Khabensky is a famous actor. Once he lost his beloved wife, who was taken away from him by a terrible incurable disease. With Anastasia, they lived a short but happy life together. Anastasia Smirnova, whose photos are in this article, will become our heroine today.

Journalist from St. Petersburg

Anastasia was born in Leningrad on March 31, 1975. So school years the girl knew that she wanted to become a journalist.

After graduating from the institute with a diploma in journalism, she begins her work. She had to work at the radio station. But this was not important for a young girl, she devoted herself to work without a trace, and this brought her pleasure. Anastasia Smirnova never regretted her chosen profession, she did not even imagine herself in another role.

Interview with future husband

In one of the St. Petersburg cafes, Konstantin and Nastya met. Both were young, both were unknown. It was 1998, and Anastasia Smirnova was interviewing an aspiring actor and future husband, Konstantin Khabensky.

The very process of work for her ceased to matter when she realized that she was gone! She just fell in love with the future star of "Deadly Force" at first sight, it turns out, just like he did with her.

After the conversation about work was over, Konstantin invited Nastya on a date, and she happily agreed.

Giving up a career for a loved one is easy

Thus began the story of Kostya and Nastya. They were young, loved each other with all their hearts, without thinking about the opinions of others.

Konstantin became more and more in demand every day, he was invited to the shootings held in different cities, and for the sake of his career he had to be absent for a long time in his hometown, where Anastasia Smirnova was waiting for him.

And here the girl understands that she simply cannot be away from her beloved, and it is easier for her to give up her career than for him. She invites Konstantin to accompany him on trips, he likes this idea.

All subsequent trips to the cities became one big adventure for the young couple. Nastya helped her fiancé in everything, and he contributed to her participation in the filming. Of course, the roles were episodic, but thanks to them, the lovers were always there. So two years passed.

Wedding

In 2000, Anastasia Smirnova became the official wife of Kostya Khabensky. Guests were not invited to the celebration, as the newlyweds decided not to arrange a grand celebration from the official ceremony.

They came to register casual clothes- jeans and sweatshirts. Have signed in required documents, exchanged rings and began married life.

But for them it was a special day, in which Anastasia and Konstantin were happy, although there was no holiday, congratulations and gifts. It was only their day - their family's birthday.

Another thing happened in 2007 an important event in their lives. Nastya told her husband that they would soon become parents - she was expecting a baby. Both were just in seventh heaven with happiness. They for a long time They wanted to have children, but it didn't work out. And now this long-awaited day has come. They didn't care - a daughter or a son, the main thing is that this is their long-awaited and beloved baby!

Severe pregnancy

Throughout the pregnancy, Anastasia Smirnova - Khabensky's wife - did not feel well. She was constantly put in the hospital for preservation, the doctors attributed her condition to pregnancy, they said that it could be even worse.

Nastya was constantly in pain and dizzy, but she reassured herself that after the birth everything would pass, she would again become a healthy and cheerful woman.

Anastasia Smirnova strictly followed the instructions of the doctors, drank all the prescribed medicines, but nothing helped. Already at the end of her pregnancy, Anastasia Smirnova felt even worse, and she was taken to the operating table in a fainting state to have a caesarean section. Doctors feared for the life of a young mother, and therefore took such a step.

Khabensky Ivan was born, and his mother was taken away for examination.

Diagnosis as a sentence

The examination showed that there is a tumor in the woman's brain. The results of the analyzes became a verdict for the whole family - the tumor is malignant. It was removed, and for a couple of months Nastya felt better. Chemistry courses were ahead, suddenly - a relapse. The tumor reappeared. Having removed this neoplasm as well, the doctors could not make any predictions about the effectiveness of further treatment.

But Khabensky did not want to give up, he began to work for slaughter, just to earn money for his wife's expensive treatment in Los Angeles. Friends and acquaintances of the family helped with money and moral support. The son of Anastasia and Kostya was already a year old, he was constantly brought to his weakening mother. Galina Georgievna - Nastya's mother - practically did not leave the hospital ward, trying to spend as much time as possible with her daughter.

After the condition of Smirnova Nastya did not stop deteriorating, Khabensky brought a priest to the hospital to marry his beloved woman.

On the first day of winter 2008, Anastasia Smirnova died. Next to her were her husband and mother, for whom her death was the most terrible loss in life.

Anastasia Smirnova, whose friends' reviews are the most positive, lived bright life. She is spoken of as kindest person about a loving and beloved woman.

They talk about her as a ray with which at any friendly gatherings it became brighter and warmer.

Coming to an empty house is not easy. It's hard to go back to where no one is waiting. When a wife dies, the husband may experience confusion, sadness, and possibly anger. According to psychotherapists, the death of one of the spouses can only be compared with the loss of a child - this is the most terrible event in life, so you have to learn to live in a new way, and this may take some time.

Death of a wife

The loss of a loved one is a change in all life, especially when a loved one was best friend. At this moment, the husband feels completely lost, and it becomes unbearably difficult for him to make even minor decisions. But still Life is going and, despite the fact that the beloved wife died, one must continue life. At the time of loss, a husband may experience:

• Confusion

How to survive

Before moving on, you should fulfill any request that the deceased wife asked for, saying this before her death. If the death was sudden and there was no time to say goodbye, you need to think about what can be done to honor the memory of your loved one. This will help the man find peace of mind, and it is possible that he will not have any mental obstacles later in his new life.

A man after the death of his wife should know that it will take him a while before he can begin to experience any normal feelings again. It will not be easy, but you need to be patient with yourself and go through all the stages of grief. As a rule, at first a person may not experience anything, he, most likely, will simply not believe in it and refuse to accept reality as it is. Then a sharp feeling of injustice and, perhaps, even anger may come - at others (that they are all alive), at oneself (for this), even at dead wife(for leaving). And only then will the so-called "ninth wave of grief" come.

When will the pain stop?

The process of mourning and adjustment is different for everyone. However, it cannot be expected that these stages will come into being in certain order, rather it will resemble a roller coaster. And it may be necessary to go through these stages repeatedly until the person comes to terms with the loss and begins to accept everything as it is.

Nobody plans the death of a loved one, so everyone is wondering what to do if the wife died, only after what happened. The husband should not pay attention to those who are trying to say that everything is as it should be, and there is no need to be sad. Instead, you should say “thank you” to this person for caring, but everyone can grieve in different ways. Grief is individual, like any person, and like relationships that have been. Perhaps others may think that the widower "recovered too quickly" from grief, or vice versa, he was "stuck in his grief." But these are just other people's thoughts, which should not be paid attention to. If the wife died, the widower does not know how to live, then it may be useful to talk with a psychologist on this topic. The specialist has the training and experience to help get through this grief.

Life after loss

The widower must realize that he has a choice. There is a time when you need to cry and go through all the suffering in order to start living again. Eventually the hour will come when he will be ready to receive Active participation in work, healing will come and a new life will begin. You can even change your place of work or place of residence, but this is all very individual, because some, on the contrary, try to keep the place where they were happy with their wife. You need to think about this ten times, because often this is an unjustified sacrifice. Very often, widowers often try to remember their dead wives, fearing to forget them, but this only increases their grief. A man should not worry that he will forget his wife, this will never happen.

One way to get over the death of your wife is to ask yourself what you always wanted to do but never had the time due to family obligations. Now is the time to do it. A man can remember his hobbies, places he would like to visit. He still has a chance to become an artist, collector or scuba diver. To live on, you need to strive to be happy and complete. All dreams can become reality, and it is they who will help fill the void in current life. You can meet new people and time will come understanding that life can be full and exciting, even if a person is left alone.

But the widower does not always know how to live on. Therefore, he must be patient - changes cannot come quickly and easily. Surviving the death of your soulmate is difficult, but possible. To brighten up loneliness, you can get a pet. Of course, it will not be able to replace the second half, but caring for someone will help to distract. To speed up the recovery process, you need to find a family member or friend with whom you can talk about your feelings about the death of your wife. The person chosen must be able to show understanding and tact. A man must remember that it is normal to cry and show anger, so he should not be ashamed of his emotions.

Having lost a loved one, a man may be disappointed in life, stop noticing other women and generally withdraw into himself. Some even start drinking and smoking, losing themselves to society..

Even after such a serious grief as the death of your wife, try to be yourself, understand that alcoholism will not solve the problem and native person will not return. Communicate more with different people. Someone will just listen, and someone will give good advice on how to survive the death of his wife.

The world has turned upside down, everything loses its meaning. In the first weeks after her husband's death, Agnieszka Zablocka Piaseczno listened to the intercom every day. It seemed to her that this was just a nightmare from which she would soon wake up and that her husband would return from work, as usual. For three months she counted on the miracle of the resurrection. In the morning she was tired, as after a hard day's work. Then she felt only sadness and anger: to him that he had left her alone with her children, to fate, to God, to others that they were happy. She felt helpless in the smallest things.

She returned to work, but nothing has changed. She is still tired, weak, and every week she gets sick. She went on vacation and got worse because she was afraid for her job, for her future and for her children. She sought help from different specialists, but after a series of tests, everyone told her the same thing: the reason lies in her head. So she turned to a psychiatrist, and from there to a psychologist. For the next three years, she built her world from scratch, without a husband.

Do what you must

In order not to lament later about the fact that you could not worthily see off your loved one on the last journey, approach the organization of funerals and commemorations with all seriousness and responsibility, even though you are now very, very bad. You must honor the memory of the departed wife, so everything must be organized perfectly.

Even if you look at everything through the prism of faith. When my husband and I returned to the empty house, we thought of one thing: jump out the window and return with Kasha as soon as possible. Grief cannot be avoided, reduced, killed with work, desensitized with medication. You must experience it from start to finish. It hurts a lot, but there is no other way. First there is shock, denial, guilt. Then there is opposition and regret, and sometimes anger. Sadness is mixed with fear, even with panic attacks. It's hard to mobilize.

Therefore, he is very close to depression. After a few months, sometimes after several years, there is reconciliation with the loss, with other relatives, with a new situation. After a long break, you come back to life. Even if the husband dies of cancer, the wife feels guilty: she quickly did not notice that she could immediately turn to another specialist. Feelings of guilt are greater, the more dramatic the circumstances of the death. And yet we are not the Lord God, and we have a limited influence on another person, we cannot predict everything, says Dr. Wanda Badura-Madej, a psychologist at the Crisis Intervention Center in Krakow, who helps people in especially traumatic mourning.

Your main support is friends and family

Relatives will support you at home, reassure you, and friends will help disperse bad thoughts and feel the taste of life again. If some time after the funeral you realize that the past does not let you go, do something with friends or relatives. There are many options: a picnic with the whole family, a hike in nature with a night fire and songs with a guitar, an excursion to a historical museum, a trip to a ski resort, and more..

For nearly two years, while her husband was dying of lung cancer, Hanna Raszynska from Warsaw hoped the disease would change. I was helped by the Marian Priests' Hospice, who used to take care of my husband. Youngest daughter, who was very close to her father and after his death, became self-sufficient and was also under the care of a psychologist.

Andrzej Dziedzieł from the Marian Hospice, although the husband was under care at the hospice for only ten days. The priest brought toys for the children, he asked how he could help me, what I needed, says 30-year-old Kinga from Warsaw. When my husband died of pancreatic cancer three years ago, Victoria was one, Eric three, and Oscar eight.

Redo all unfinished business and fulfill unfulfilled dreams

This refers to joint cases that you once planned together and the dreams that have not been able to implement because of the loss of your fighting girlfriend. This, of course, will not return a loved one, but it will definitely help to survive the death of a loved one. You will be able to painlessly part with the past, realizing that nothing remains unresolved from yours.

She was alone with the children, she did not work, she had nothing to live on. Usually people avoid the topic of death. There are people like me in the hospice group who understood and listened to me. We have holidays with children. Psychologists are always with us, it is also important for children. My eldest son, who survived the death of his father, through such trips, conversations with other children in a similar situation, slowly came to terms with the loss.

Hospice people also helped me find a job. The support group understands and accepts different emotions because they experience them. “Cool, don’t worry”, “you’re still young, giving birth to five children”, “he drank, now you have peace”, “you got your life together”, “no more crying” - this is the worst thing you hear in mourning. It is impossible to console or rationally explain death, to give it meaning.

Break with the past

When you realize that you are ready to start living normally after the death of your wife, come to the cemetery, put flowers on the grave, put it in order, clearing it of leaves and dirt. If you are a believer, pray, ask the Lord to look after your beloved in heaven. Say goodbye to your wife, promising that you will visit her, and start a new life - make new acquaintances, trying to establish your own personal life but don't forget about friends and family.

That is why it is worth taking the help of a professional who knows that, by telling, a mourning person gets used to the reality of death. Mourning is usually associated with blackness, loneliness, and perhaps the silence of a cemetery. This is the period when we feel less joy, most often we remember the person who left and clearly felt his lack. For some, it's just on the outside - emphasizing your importance with ostentatious flirting with a black outfit. Others equate the outer expression of grief with the inner experience of loss. loved one.

And you can find a new love for yourself on Teamo.ru. Because this site is for serious dating. Its main purpose is to connect the hearts of people, and not just to introduce them to each other. And if you still feel that you are not ready to arrange your personal life, do not arrange. But only do not delay with this, otherwise you can spend the rest of your life alone.

Do all people who experience loss struggle with emotional problems? What happens if you feel ashamed of your feelings, will we act like "tough" at all costs? Death is an integral part of our life. However, most of the time we try not to think about its inevitability. As children, we do not allow ourselves or our loved ones to be absent. As adults, we try not to overburden ourselves with the constant fear of death, hoping that in this way "we do not tempt fate."

According to research, the passing of a loved one is one of the most dramatic events in human history. A crisis is a temporary state of internal imbalance caused by critical life events. Requires specific action to resolve. Grief is a response to the crisis of losing a loved one.

The time of death is unpredictable - always. Death is a natural process. But when people die, it's scary! Is it possible to prepare for death? Regardless of whether it happened as a result of a long illness or a banal accident. We cannot change the past and the future, only the present remains. How to survive and survive death loved ones in this terrible present, especially if your beloved spouse or wife has died?

Psychologists have repeatedly described that after the loss of a person, you need to go through several subsequent stages. The entire period of mourning usually lasts about a year, which is reflected in the tradition. The individual steps may vary depending on many factors. Initially, there is a shock phase in which dementia and indifference occur. Often at this stage, a person can act as if nothing happened. It happens that we do not recognize that there is no longer a loved one, that environment perceives as "strange" behavior.

The second stage is the full awareness of the final absence of a loved one. It is associated with very strong emotions, rebellion. There are attempts to burden oneself and others with responsibility for death - there is even guilt for the person who has passed away. At this stage, the first attempts to adapt to the new situation should begin.

How to deal with the death of a husband

A woman who has lost her beloved husband goes through the following emotional stages that are considered normal: shock, denial of death, guilt, anger and resentment towards herself and others, depression. Let's figure out how to deal with feelings of despair and grief after losing a loved one. There are several ways to get out of this state:

In the next phase, we became more active in daily activities and planning for the future. They still feel the grief and awareness of the lack of a person who has passed away, but the emotions are much less intense than before. The last step mourning is its end. Life starts again. Sadness and memories of the deceased will still appear, but they will no longer be the cause of depression. This man's memory may become important element our life, but it must belong to the past.

It may happen that we stop at one of the first stages of mourning, and we can never fully come to terms with the departure of a close relative. We will blame ourselves or others for failing to understand what contributed to her death. We may even think that we shouldn't be happy because we didn't deserve it because we survived. Failure to reach last stage mourning may be an indication for psychotherapy.

Death is the logical end of life and there is nothing to be done about it. You need to find the strength within yourself to move on with your life.

This is setting new priorities. Yes, everything has changed, but it's time to reconsider life values, to find new meaning life. You can’t live in the past, but you need to rejoice in past events. Treat yourself like a child, pamper yourself, learn to enjoy the little things every day again.

Sadness and depression caused by the death of someone important is not a disease and therefore does not require treatment. However, the family often uses the widow or widow of iron remedies that were appointed at another time. The reason is that "it would not have been easy for him to stay in the early days." Meanwhile, we need psychological support, understanding, conversation and manual work.

Men can "stick" after losing. They don't cry, they don't trust friends, they don't talk to their family about their pain. They don't do it because it's impartial. But the emotional response to loss is universal and independent of sex. A person who is suffocated by emotions inside does not really cope with this problem. Thus, as a result, it may turn out that the marriage breaks up after the death of the child, because he decided to remain silent about his suffering. There are also cases where the apparently "holding" husband dies shortly after the death of his wife.

It could be a new business. Remember what you liked to do before, what brought pleasure and peace. Or maybe try something completely new? Choose a cause that warms your soul and dedicate it free time.

Loneliness is good, but in moderation. Try to find new friends or remember old ones true friends. Share your experience with the younger generation, pay attention to children and grandchildren, if you have them. Don't be a recluse, it's just that it's much easier to get through adversity by sharing it with others.

The norm is the experience of loss for several years. If after several years the condition has not improved, you will need the help of specialists. The best thing you can do for your beloved deceased husband is to keep the memory of him and try to find the strength in yourself to enjoy life further and be happy!

How to deal with the death of your wife

It has long been known that the male psyche is more vulnerable than the female. Often, the death of a wife becomes a real blow for a man, especially if they have lived together for many years. The man understands that it is useless to look for his soul mate, and it is impossible to return. The stages of grief in men are similar to those of women after a loss. Psychologists give the following recommendations for getting out of this state, let's look at them.

To continue, as before, to do everything that was done before the death of his wife. Do not forget about hygiene, food, work and loved ones and in no case sink down and see yourself at the bottom of an empty bottle.

Try not to be alone. Do not withdraw into yourself, but try to look for new activities and communicate more.

Do not turn the apartment into a museum. Try not to create the illusion of the presence of your wife in the house, distribute her personal belongings. Of course, something should remind of her, for example, beautiful Foto or memorabilia.

Rejoice in the little things. Remember, the wife would like to see you happy, she loved you, so it would be bitter for her to see that you grieve for her for a long time. Contact a specialist if you understand that you cannot cope with the feeling of loss on your own, that depression is getting worse, do not hesitate to ask for psychological help. Remember that you are not the only one, everything that happens to you has already happened to many people, and they coped with it!

Remember that life goes on! After all, someday everyone leaves - and this does not mean that the world has lost its meaning!

The death of the closest person (after the parents) always comes unexpectedly. Even if the husband suffered from a debilitating disease for a long time, the wife last minute believes that everything will work out. She simply cannot think about death, does not want to, does not allow herself.

With the departure of a loved one in a woman's life comes difficult period when she realizes that next to her there is no longer a faithful, reliable, kind, caring man. What to do? Psychologist's advice will help you understand how to survive the death of your husband. An experienced, knowledgeable psychoanalyst will tell you what not to do, with whom you need to communicate more, what things and activities to pay attention to.

What not to do after the death of a spouse

Happy family life can collapse in an instant. If a beloved spouse dies, it seems to a woman that the whole world around her is collapsing, and the meaning of life is lost forever.

This is the time when the widow is able to make an unexpected decision for everyone, often the wrong one. Realizing the scale of the tragedy, the widow (especially the young one) torments herself, blaming that she did not do the most important thing to save her husband, could not help him, was not there in difficult times.

Some women, experiencing a strong shock and a real psychological shock, push their children and close relatives away from themselves. They are annoyed by the happiness of other people, they are hostile towards married couples, accusing them of callousness and heartlessness.

Elderly women, having buried a spouse with whom they have lived for many years, can cause quarrels between their daughters and their husbands. It seems to them that it is impossible for a daughter to be happy being next to her beloved man while she was left alone.

There comes a moment when sharp pain loss is replaced by apathy.

A heartbroken woman begins to tell her friends that:

• her late husband often dreams of her;
• talking to her;
• gives advices;
• tells how to behave;
• points to people, dividing them into enemies and real friends.

This is a rather difficult period in the life of a woman left alone after the death of her husband.

Among the actions and deeds that can be called unacceptable:

1. The desire to be alone. A woman fences herself off from relatives, friends, acquaintances. Refuses to interact with children.
2. Frequent visits to the cemetery, where the widow spends a lot of time, talking, referring to the deceased.
3. A huge number of photos of the spouse, which are placed throughout the house. In such an environment, the widow becomes indifferent to everything. She listens to recordings of the voice of a loved one, looks through home video, rereads letters, sorts through gifts and does not pay attention to what is happening around her.

This state can turn into deep depression, the exit from which will be long and difficult.

In such a situation, friends often move away from the heartbroken woman who had to endure the death of a loved one, unable to withstand the emotional stress. You can't leave a widow unattended. You should not let things go by chance and wait until the desire to live returns to the woman.

The difficulty lies in the fact that both young and old widows experience an acute sense of guilt. The death of a beloved husband becomes the cause of unjustified unreasonable aggression.

The widow splashes negative emotions on the closest, sometimes blaming them for all their misfortunes. You need to know that such a condition does not contribute to the normalization of the condition and most often requires the intervention of an experienced psychologist. It is his advice that will help a woman survive the death of her husband without losing faith in goodness and justice.

You can't blame everyone for what happened.

Angry statements are most often addressed to doctors who failed to save a loved one, relatives and friends who remained to live after the dear, only man passed away.

Do not turn away from those who seek to help survive the loss. Many of those who are among the people around the widow are ready to help the woman, save her from loneliness.

You can not show your despair to children, especially small ones. It is difficult for them to understand what happened, they do not know how their life will go on, how to cope not only with the misfortune, but also with the problems that dad helped to solve.

The widow needs to pull herself together so as not to deprive the children of the confidence that as long as she is around, everything will be fine.

After the death of her husband, a woman will have to face a large number of problems, it is possible that she will experience a deterioration in her physical condition:

• headache;
• drops in blood pressure;
• violation of the heart rhythm;
• exacerbation of existing chronic diseases.

Such changes cannot be left unattended. Despite the emotional depression, at the first signs of a health disorder, you should immediately consult a doctor. Experienced psychologists advised not to be alone, not to give up.

In order not to dwell on your own grief, you should not refuse to communicate with loved ones, and realizing that your health has worsened, you should not postpone a visit to the doctor.

What can help you cope with the loss of a loved one?

Coming to terms with the loss of a loved one is very difficult; in order to get used to the idea of ​​the impossibility of changing anything, you need to experience shock and numbness, denial, aggression and apathy.

All these experiences last at least a year, and after the first anniversary of death passes and the day of remembrance of the deceased is left behind, many women experience all negative emotions again. This is a huge load on the psyche, which can lead to nervous breakdown or severe depression.

During this time, the support of family and friends is very important. Sisters, girlfriends, colleagues will be there and help you pass the test. A widow needs not only conversations, but also attentive listeners. She remembers the best again bright moments life together with her beloved husband, talks about how they felt towards each other, how attentive and caring the husband was.

True friends will remind a suffering woman that her husband (if he were alive) would like to see her cheerful, hardworking, active, cheerful.

A woman's life does not end after the death of her husband. It continues with all the problems and achievements, joys and experiences. Enough time has passed since the death of the husband, and certain changes can occur in the life of the wife. Communication with people, the pressure at work, caring for children help to survive the loss.

You can cope with depression by following the advice of psychologists who strongly recommend not to isolate yourself in your small world:

1. You need to understand that death is a natural process. Departure is inevitable. Each woman finds the most acceptable explanation for herself, but most often a young widow repeats that her husband will remain young forever, and older women thank God for saving her husband from illness. The deceased is not forgotten, on the contrary, the widow will do everything possible so that he remains in the memory of his children (or grandchildren) as a bright, kind, caring, attentive, strong and proud person. In many contentious issues and in solving emerging problems, a woman will set her dead husband as an example to her descendants.
2. If there is no desire to talk on a sore subject, then you can write your thoughts, entrusting them to paper. A letter can be addressed to a departed loved one and resemble a sincere conversation with him. When a woman writes, she seems to be talking to her beloved. If you want to cry, don't stop yourself. It is better to throw out all the accumulated negative emotions and return to calm communication with others, restoring emotional balance.
3. A woman should put herself in order and constantly monitor her appearance. You need to follow the regimen. Go to bed on time, lead an active lifestyle. If there is no desire or opportunity to visit the gym, then you need to groom on foot. Walking in the park in the company of friends and children will help distract from sad thoughts.
4. A widow should devote more time to her children. If a woman is elderly, her children have grown up, but there are no grandchildren yet, you can devote all your free time to needlework or other types of creativity. It's good to try drawing. The thoughts and feelings expressed on the canvas are understandable only to her, but the creations of the novice artist will surely please relatives, friends and relatives.
5. Do not revel in your own grief, it is better to carefully look around. A woman who has lost her beloved husband is very susceptible to someone else's misfortune. She will immediately notice that there are many adults and children around who need help. By doing charity work, the widow will not only take her mind off her sad thoughts, but will also help those in need, make someone's life better.

How long will it take to return to normal life after the grief that a woman had to go through, depends on the warehouse of her character and willpower.

Many widows after a few years improve their personal lives, remarry, raise their own and adopted children. Others are actively engaged in work, devoting themselves to activities related to charity.

When choosing an occupation for your liking, you should also think about the consequences of hobbies. Not everyone can engage in active or even extreme sports, but you should not get involved in baking either.

Indeed, continuing to live among people, communicating with representatives of the opposite sex, a woman, despite the fact that she has become a widow, must monitor her figure, remember her health, remain sociable, open and cheerful. Another one important detail- self-esteem. Left without a beloved spouse, to whom a woman has remained faithful and devoted for many years, a widow may decide that no one needs her anymore, that she has lost her attractiveness, that she is no longer interesting as a woman.

Such low self-esteem becomes the reason for seclusion, refusal to communicate.

On the contrary, it is necessary to be in society more often, go to the cinema and theaters, try to follow fashion, not miss the opportunity to visit a beauty salon.

Those who find it difficult to make a choice and find their way in life turn to professional psychologists for advice and help. It is an experienced psychoanalyst who is able to explain to the widow that after the death of her husband, she should continue to live and delight her relatives, close friends, and colleagues at work.

Here you will hear a lot useful tips from a psychologist, how to survive the death of a loved one:

There is nothing surprising in the fact that many women, having lost their beloved husband, go to the temple. After all, the priest is also a psychologist, well versed in the intricacies of the human soul.

Prayers and charity, humility and submission to fate are not for everyone optimal solution. Some women, in order to escape from sad thoughts, need to go on a trip, change the situation, visit distant relatives. Communication with new acquaintances, fresh impressions, unexpected meetings will change the perception of the world around and return the widow's desire to live a full life.