We love each other, but not together. We love each other, but we can't live together

Now I don't know what to do. We broke up with a young man, lived together for 5 years, though somewhere in the middle of this period we didn’t live together for a bit less than a year. I have my own apartment, and if we part, he moves to his mother. But the fact is that even if we break up, we are physically attracted to each other, and we are just close people, we know each other well. That is, it turns out when we live together, constantly swear, we can’t agree on anything and no one wants to give in, it becomes morally difficult to live, hostility and eternal discontent appear on both sides, this all accumulates, we move away in all respects and live as strangers. As soon as we leave, we start calling another friend, meeting, getting bored. I want a family, children, such relationships when we live apart do not suit me. At first, I myself tell him that I don’t want to live with him, then I get lonely, I look for meetings with him, we start dating, then I understand that this doesn’t suit me either, I want to live with him again, I remember how sick it was sometimes and I'm in a dead end. It means I don't know what I want. Still, I suggest he go back. He says - do you want everything to be repeated a second time? I say "No. I want it to be different, let's try to agree, discuss. where we were wrong, look for a way out of those conflict situations that have arisen. I say that perhaps I was wrong in this or that, here I reacted too violently, or was harsh, that is, I want to show that I am ready to admit my mistakes, although deep down I consider myself right. He doesn’t plead guilty in more than one situation, he believes that he did the right thing and could not have done otherwise, that he won’t change, it turns out that I need to accept him like that, in everything, I need to build up for him and change myself, but there are situations with which I just can't deal with. I get the feeling that someone else should judge us, but it should not be a biased person (mother, sister, girlfriend), although it is strange that 2 adults cannot agree on their own. I am at a loss, I don’t know what to do, or rather I know that I need to break off relations, find a new one. But the men I meet disappoint me, the more I think that perhaps he is not as bad as I think, it turns out that the more I try to move away from him, the more I am drawn to him. Over time, grievances are forgotten, it begins new novel under number 3. But we both don't want to go back to what it was. He even offered a guest marriage, which is not acceptable to me. I am 28, I live alone and he is 30 with his mother, some kind of nonsense. I have a feeling that we need a psychologist. Can you help me here to solve this unsolvable problem? Break this vicious circle?

Name: Lena

Good afternoon guys! I started dating my boyfriend 4 years ago. I will be a student. he didn't look like anyone. smart. well-read, self-confident, received two educations, aspired, even older people asked him for advice, he can answer any question. conquered me, the girl who twisted, twirled, lit, with her dissimilarity to her peers (we are the same age), who in reality need one thing. Only he lived in Moscow, and I'm from Ryazan. saw each other once every two months. well, in short, we actually became a couple at a distance, but everything suited me, I thought that I loved him. this went on for 3.5 years. the time was coming to graduate from the institute, I already understood that soon he would take me away, we would live together, my parents idolize that he was me, that mine were his. Well, in general, it is already clear that the whole thing goes to a life together.
I worked in my city as a consultant jewelry, and in our mall the security guard worked, never noticed him, only heard from colleagues that he left his wife, which is very pleasant, sweet. in general, so chubby, a tall man, no different from an ordinary hard-working man. I once went out for a smoke break and asked him, huddled in a chair in front of the entrance, “Are you cold?” and he followed me out and we just chatted about nothing. about the dangers of smoking. He is 37, I am 23

From that day on, I thought about him, and I know that he is about me. two weeks later he had my number, after 3 the first kiss and date, after 4 the first intimacy. he idolized me. we fell in love with each other to unconsciousness, there was no strength for a minute to live without each other. and, initially, I said, I lied that I was married. and that I'll be leaving soon, that didn't stop him or me. we didn't see the whole problem then. this went on for 4 months. and my boyfriend invited me to live in Moscow. I left, you know why. maybe I'm justifying myself, but my parents invested so much in me, for a legal education. I am now a legal assistant in Moscow, I was afraid to upset my parents. and mine civil husband them like a son. I love another, and I deceive this one, he is there, I am here. every day we communicate, we go out, we die, we turn black. but not together for 4 months now, as I live here. then when I left, after 17 days he called and said that he did not want to live without me and threw himself under the bus. Now he is disabled and sits at home. ex-wife I felt sorry for him, because he has a teenage daughter, he introduced me to her. now they are all together. Yes, only we cannot let each other go, and my wife is freaking out because of my messages. and he says that he cannot deceive, so she sees how he suffers, living with her. Only I can pretend to be beautiful in front of my husband. and I don’t cry at home, and I behave appropriately. but now I'm crying, freaking out, I don't know how to get out of this. we suffer, both. What should I do? what should we do?

Image caption Jacob and Charlotte haven't had sex in three years

About 18% of respondents under 30 last year had sex less than 10 times, a Mumsnet and Gransnet survey of 2,000 people showed. Among participants of all ages, this figure was 29%. We interview three couples who fall into this category, despite the fact that the partners say they love each other passionately.

"The reason we don't have sex is me," says Amanda, 35, from London. "I get so tired at work and doing housework that I think my libido is tired too."

Amanda and Steve have been married for six years. Watching their two-year-old son play nearby, they laugh when I ask why they only have sex once every six weeks.

"What kind of sex is there - the child is always there. Even if you manage to put him to sleep for a couple of hours, there are things that need to be done around the house, and sometimes you yourself need to intercept at least a little sleep."

But according to Relate's sex therapist Martin Burrow, it's not just parents who can be deprived of sexual pleasures due to busy schedules.

"More and more people are complaining that they are not satisfied with their sexual relations", - says Martin. "Whether this is due to the fact that now people talk more freely about sex, or there is actually less sex in their lives, I can not say. In the end, relationships are complete, regardless of sex. Someone can be happy without sex, someone needs it - that's not the point."

Jacob and Charlotte - both 23 years old - are still in love with each other, although there is no place for sex in their relationship.

"We've been together for four years, three of them we do without sex - we plan to continue like this," says Charlotte. She, unlike Jacob, is asexual - that is, she does not need sex.

"We tried sex first to see if we needed it. But none of us were any happier because of it. Jacob doesn't like having sex with someone who doesn't enjoy it."

For some of the men, this could be a reason for a breakup, but not for Jacob.

"I have a fantastic relationship with wonderful person he says. "There are other ways to show your love and affection."

However, not everyone is capable of such an understanding.

Tom and Steve from Bristol have been together for four years and got married a year ago. They never had sex with each other.

Both consider themselves asexual and laugh when they talk about their first date. It ended in a common bed and became, according to Tom and Steve, the best casual connection of all that each of them had before, because absolutely nothing happened during it.

According to Tom, modern society is increasingly sexualized, but that doesn't mean people are having more sex. "Although," he adds, "the idea of frequent sex as a norm is actively promoted and, perhaps, someone, under the influence of this propaganda, forces himself to have sex regularly.

Young people say how amazed their interlocutors are when they find out that Tom and Steve have never had sex with each other, and often ask - how do they love each other if they can do without sex?

In such cases, their answer is simple: "If there is sex without love, why can't there be love without sex?"

For Martin Burrow, the concepts of a "normal number sexual contact"does not exist. According to him, some couples can reach the highest emotional level in a relationship without having sex at all.

For other couples, the amount of sex may vary depending on different periods life depending on the circumstances - the appearance of children, workload, health status.

For Amanda and Steve, mutual understanding has become the key to a relationship that is strong and healthy even without regular sex.

"Don't get too discouraged," she advises young parents in a similar situation, "because it happens to a lot of us." She laughs and turns to Steve, "There will still be, I promise you!"

Good afternoon. Dear consultants, I would like to get an answer to my question. Almost 3 years ago we broke up with a man, parted hard, emotionally. Feelings at the time of parting were very strong for both. But they couldn't reach a compromise. In truth, these feelings are still there, but already calm. But they could not find a compromise in the fact that he did not need family relationships(was married), but we need a relationship for meetings. And I always wanted to have a family, a joint life, family dinners, breakfasts, etc., although she also has a divorce behind her, but she was not disappointed in family life. We started to live together, but I saw that it depresses him, my presence annoys me at times. Tried to live separately, meet on weekends. This did not suit me. In general, there were many quarrels, and somehow we gradually parted. On this moment both have a relationship. I met a man, and a year ago we began to live together, and he meets a woman, and lives with his mother. But we cannot completely break the connection, we call each other every day, we are aware of all the events in each other's life, and even jealousy is present to a small extent. I often have a question, is it possible that people different views about relationships, and about living together, is it impossible to find a compromise, or if there are different ways, then no feelings will help to be together? There was a frank conversation recently, and both admitted that there are still feelings, and there is an attraction, that everyone thinks there will be no more such feelings, but ... there are a lot of "buts" already. After all, there was a joint life, and relationships for meetings, but it turned out that everyone in both cases "broke himself through the knee." Thanks for the answer!

Elena, Russia, 39 years old

Family Psychologist Answer:

Hello, Elena!

I will answer your question right away - yes, it may be that mutual feelings two people do not automatically mean their readiness for cohabitation. This is especially common in mature couples. When everyone has their own experience and already established idea of ​​a comfortable personal life. it may well be private. A person has fallen in love with another person, but is not ready to lose himself, his habits. And then either such a person meets his couple with a similar relationship scenario and they can even enter into a so-called guest marriage, or does not meet. Obviously you are the same. mature person with your view of family life, but your views did not match and you, just like your man, are not ready to lose yourself and agree to a relationship model that does not suit you, which will not make you happy. Which, of course, is worthy of respect, because you have the right to it. Good luck to you!

Sincerely, Elena Rakitova