What to do and how to act when your own children betray

Betrayal is always unpleasant, painful and even scary. For a long time I myself tried to understand what betrayal is and why such actions of others cause burning resentment and sharp pain. Gradually, I realized: a person does what is more convenient for him. He puts his interests or the interests of other people above yours - he decided so. Has the right to. Nobody has to live your script. It took me more than 40 years of my life to understand this. 40+ years of experience, books, conversations…

Our children do not have all this yet. They still know very little. But the word "betrayal" is familiar to them well. Girlfriend did not share a chocolate bar, did not call for a birthday party, told Tanya a secret - she betrayed her for life! But the worst betrayal is the betrayal of parents. It hurts deeply and sometimes for life. Because forgiving a girlfriend for putting her own interests above is easier than understanding mom or dad.

I got an A and my mom didn't even say "well done"

We often do things without trying to explain them to our children. By different reasons: once, we believe that they are still small, we cannot pick up the right words… And they don't understand. They are sure that we have betrayed them.

At one of the classes in the workshop of journalism, I asked my guys to write when and who betrayed them. Most of the works were about us, about parents.

“When my sister was born, my mother devoted all her time to her. I didn't see my mother at all. Her parents only took care of her, and they didn’t give me any time at all. One day I came from school to good mood, because I got an A for the dictation, and from the threshold I began to tell my mother about it. And she told me not to scream, because my sister was sleeping. She didn't even say "well done" to me. Several years have passed since then, I love my sister very much and am no longer jealous of her, but I can’t forget about that five.”

“They promised to take me to the water park in Yekaterinburg if I finish the quarter without triples. I tried very hard and waited. But they never took me, although it has since passed more than a year. I feel like I've been betrayed."

“My parents want to move to Krasnodar. I understand that this is their dream. But I also have a dream to enter KIT (St. Petersburg Film and Television Institute). Only a year left before graduation. With the move, my chances of enrolling are falling sharply: here I am used to, here are my teachers, additional classes, and there depression is guaranteed. What decides a year in the life of a 43-year-old man? Much less than in the life of a 17-year-old graduate. They say that I am selfish and spoil their dream, when in fact they are now ruining my life. And most importantly, they do not want to listen to me. They betray me and make me betray my dream."

“Once, when I was 6 years old, I had a matinee in the kindergarten. For which I have been preparing for a long time. But my mother didn't come. She had things to do. I believe that parents betray their children when they have something more important than their children."

“My parents betrayed me. When I was 7 years old, they argued for a long time, threw various objects, and my mother kicked out my father. Now he lives in another city, and I sometimes come to visit him. I think my mom betrayed me when she kicked my dad out because she didn't think of me."

Of course, in all these cases, the parents did not want evil for their children. Surely each case has an explanation, logic, reason. But I am convinced that whenever parents act not in the interests of the child, this is a betrayal. For each of our actions or inactions in relation to children, there should be only one explanation: it is in the best interests of the child. We must be able to assess the situation, calculate its consequences for a son or daughter, and act solely on the basis of these consequences.

And now the taboo for parents:

1. Never sort things out with a child in the presence of strangers.

It does not matter if the teacher, neighbor or girlfriend of the son (daughter) is standing nearby. Even if the child is wrong. At strangers child can only be praised. Or be silent. Because mom and dad should always be on the side of their child, even if he has committed a bad deed. At home, alone, try to understand and understand. If it's worth it, punish. But exhibit the most expensive and loved one in an unfavorable light - this is a betrayal.

2. Never use what the child shared with you to harm him.

If the daughter told about her first love, you should not stoop to something like “I haven’t learned to wash my boots yet, but she already has love ...”. Because to take advantage of the trust of the child and, if convenient, to reproach him with his own secret is a betrayal.

3. Never compare a child with others if the comparison is in favor of the other.

That is, to say about a classmate who won the city Olympiad, “Well done!” - Fine. And “You see, and you would only sit at the tablet” is a betrayal.

4. Never. Never! Never!!! Do not sort things out with your spouse in the presence of a child.

This is a topic for a separate detailed discussion. In the meantime, just remember what you experienced when you heard your parents quarrel. And it will become clear that “rewarding” such experiences of a son or daughter is a betrayal.

5. It would seem obvious. But often ignored by us. You promised to do it.

Because the baby is waiting. Dreaming. Imagine how great it will be. Believe in the end. To destroy this faith is a betrayal.

6. Don't let anyone talk badly about your child.

Again. Nobody. Even best friend. Even grandmother. Even if the child at that time is in the camp 40 km from the city. If it's just information about what the child did and said - for God's sake, thanks for the information. As soon as the assessment begins - goodbye. Because calmly listening to statements like “But your shame is generally lost, boorish rude” is a betrayal.

There is also a seventh, eighth, ninth ...

Someday our children will grow up and, probably, will understand that much of what seemed to them a betrayal is actually just weakness, or ignorance, or an inability to correctly explain the motives of their actions towards them. But it does not become easier for us when we find out the cause of the disease? Isn't it starting to hurt less? Yes, we understand what needs to be done so that it does not hurt. And often the treatment process is very long and more painful than the disease itself. Therefore, it is better to engage in prevention, the essence of which is very simple: always be on the side of the child.

About what becomes the reason for the indifference of fathers, how to avoid this and raise children without hatred in the soul, says a practicing psychologist psychological sciences Natalia Lyubimova

A society where there is no place for children

Maybe for some this phrase will sound blasphemous, but women are also responsible for the neglect with which fathers treat their children after a divorce. As mothers, they do not instill respect for other women in future fathers.
They are responsible (along with their ex-husbands) for not being able to save the family. Unfortunately, it just so happened that for the most part a man in our Russian family lives not with a child, but with a woman. Along with the love for a woman, the love for a child also goes away.
Part of the blame lies with society as a whole. We perceive children (again, I repeat: not all, but many) not as our future, but as a burden: a difficult present. The point is probably in our domestic disorder.
Perhaps this phrase is capable of causing shock, but in our society there has never been a place for children! What other country has the slogan "All the best for children"? In any other developed community, everything that is best is given to the younger generation by definition. With us, this truth has been elevated to the rank of a slogan, and in fact it has remained a slogan. Look at what is happening in reality: the lack of kindergartens (which were thoughtlessly sold out 15 years ago) has already become a reason to think: is it worth giving birth? What does it say? About the fact that we give birth, raise our children not thanks to the efforts of the state, but in spite of.
I would not like to delve into the economic jungle, but it is society that brings up men who do not want to take care of their offspring.
A lot of families were created "on a whim". Going to the registry office, a man thereby relieves himself of responsibility: they say, what else do you want from me, I already got married, which means I fulfilled all my duty in full, and you have no right to demand anything more from me. What kind of emotional intimacy between him and a woman in such conditions can we talk about! But this is an indispensable component for creating a strong family.
- I repeat, this truth does not apply to all families without exception, - continues Natalya Georgievna, - I met other men, those who fought for their children, who sought to have their children stay with them after a divorce. And it was precisely the wives who manipulated children, turning them into an object of blackmail, turned out to be in the role of negative heroines.
Not from love, so by calculation!
Working with the problems of men of absolutely any nature (personal, financial, career), I come to the conclusion: the main reason for their occurrence is the children they once forgot, whom dad does not want to see...
Suppose a client has problems with partners, figuratively speaking, he is regularly thrown. Nothing ever goes unnoticed. Not one act. And psychologists are looking for a reason, sometimes getting to the family secrets of great-grandfathers. To understand the cause of the problem, it is enough to strain your memory and remember who did you manage to throw, my friend? Nobody? And the child? About which you do not want to remember or hear.
Or another situation: a man works tirelessly, in an effort to make a career, and his bosses simply do not notice .... Approximately the way he does his son or daughter from a long-ended first marriage.
“I don’t want to frighten or act as a soothsayer,” Natalya Georgievna warns, “but keep in mind: the Universe is not a court that can be bribed, it is not a witness that can be invented or deceived. The universe is a mirror, and if you throw something into it, everything comes back to you. And your attitude towards abandoned children will one day turn into problems in business, failures in new family. Therefore, if there is no heart impulse to help children from the former family, do it at least by calculation. Believe me, it's worth it!
A woman must be wise
We must be able to negotiate. If it so happened that the family broke up and the woman was left alone with the child, you should not live by the principle: if I am raising him (the child) alone, then let ex-husband bears all costs.
In no case should a daughter or son who wants a computer be sent to his father to get money for it. All financial matters parents must decide together! Otherwise, the child, subtly feeling the situation, will begin to treat his father from a consumer position: he left us, so let him pay now. And this feeling will eventually replace love.
The father, having felt such an attitude, will become even more distant from the family. Paying alimony, additionally helping, supporting new family, he will feel some discomfort.
Therefore, when sending a son or daughter to an elite expensive school, a mother must first consult with her father: can we bear these expenses? And by no means put ex-spouse before a fait accompli: come on, pay.
Don't Forget, Forgive
material question in incomplete family, undoubtedly important, relevant, but not the only one. A man who grew up without a father often becomes weak, effeminate, drinking. A woman, on the contrary, is formed into a masculine (?) man-hater.
What to do to prevent this from happening? A woman - unequivocally forgive. Not to forget, but to forgive. Since Freud wrote that denial or oblivion is nothing more than the displacement of unnecessary information into the subconscious. And often our actions are controlled by the subconscious. Even when it seems to us that we are acting on our own will. Memories of grievances, fears sit deep in us and build our lives.
It's easy to say forgive, but how do you do it? It turns out it's pretty simple. The main thing - you need to realize: how can I raise my son, treating men badly? Until the age of seven, the child unequivocally perceives: they abandoned it, which means I'm bad. Imagine what "I'm a bad boy" means for a baby, and then a mother says various nasty things about her father.
Or, if I raise my daughter in hatred of her father, then I will eventually raise a man-hater who decides that all men are bastards. She will either never get married at all, or she will treat men in a consumerist way, appreciating only their wallet in them ... Showing respect for his (her) father, we bring up, first of all, respect for the child himself. Because in each of us there are two halves - from mom and from dad.

I have a father, - says thirty-two-year-old Yulia. - He is alive and well, not yet old and feels great ... I think so. The fact is that we have not communicated with him for many years. I don’t want to see him, and I don’t want to know anything about him either! .. I can’t forgive his betrayal!

And what happened?

And what happens to men closer to forty years? Gray hair in a beard, a demon in a rib! .. I met another woman, for ten years younger mom and went to her. Before leaving, as is usual in such cases, for some time he fooled everyone ... I was fifteen then, my sister was seven. We just had perfect family! They were happy years: mom and dad were friendly, cheerful, in love with each other, constantly starting something. Dad worked with us all the time, taught everything. When sick, he sat by the bed. He spoiled ... On the day of the salary, he took my sister and me to the store, and - choose, they say, girls, whatever the soul asks, I will buy everything for you! And he bought ... Mom scolded him later, and he - well, they are girls, princesses! .. My sister and I simply idolized him ...

It's clear. And then?

And then - like snow on the head - this Light appeared. I met at work and fell in love. Went to her. True, he literally left in what he stood, did not divide the property, left everything to us ... At first, no one even believed - not at school, nowhere. They asked again - are your parents divorced? Come on! It can't be, you must be joking!.. Good jokes. What was happening with her mother, I can’t convey ... She couldn’t come to herself for a couple of years for sure. Because of this, I think, and then got sick. She was diagnosed with a serious diagnosis five years ago, so we are fighting ... Still, she loved her father very much. So she didn't have anyone else...

My father has everything in chocolate. She still lives with this Sveta, they have a schoolgirl daughter, it seems ... How old is she now? Probably fifteen years...

And the "old" children, then, abandoned?

Well. to be honest, all the years he tried to communicate with us. He brought money. My mother didn't even file for alimony, in my opinion ... He called constantly. He came to the school, guarded. Gifts passed through the grandmother. Although I told him that I did not need anything from him! Even now he is trying to fix something there. The feeling of guilt, apparently, corroded him all the years. Well, that's what he needs!.. I'm not going to ease his suffering. Because he is a pre-da-tel! He left his wife and two children!

But it turns out that at least he didn’t leave the children! You yourself say - and left the apartment, and gave money, and called, tried to communicate all the years ...

Oh, stop it, I didn’t need such communication! I needed a father who lived nearby. happy mom, full family. He destroyed everything for his whim. Well, let him be happy - if he can! ..

Do children have the right to similar cases to be offended by the father - not for himself, but because he "betrayed their mother"? Ruined the family, perhaps brought the mother to a serious illness, thinking only of himself?
Or does this matter concern exclusively the mother, and only she can be offended or not, and the girl behaves stupidly and like a bestial?
Is it the father's fault that everything turned out like this?
What do you think?

I have a lot of respect for parents who are at odds with outside world immediately unconditionally turn out to be on the side of their children. I want that too. But i can not.

Here I am walking with a child in the park, and for some reason he neighs loudly. Well, roar. Well loud. But he is happy, and we are in the park. There are no sleeping children in strollers nearby (I always follow this out of the corner of my eye). In general, we have fun, sincere laughter quietly through teeth doesn’t happen, does it?

But then an elderly Crocodile comes out to meet us, he passed the park from the bakery to the pharmacy. And the Crocodile says: “Boy, why are you screaming so loudly? There are people around you, by the way, but you are not at the zoo, what kind of ill-mannered children have gone? And I? What am I? And I’m immediately like this: “Leg, really, don’t shout like that. Look, people, that is, excuse me, crocodiles, get scared.

Ugh. I am so ashamed afterwards, every time I feel like a petty coward and a traitor, but I can’t do anything. Exactly two minutes later, I already know how to answer so that both politely and the child understand that I am on his side. But no. Some kind of old model, I stew and say: "Sorry, sorry, we won't do that again." What shall we not? Will we no longer laugh and rejoice without your crocodile permission?

We're somehow under New Year with one of my friends went to the "Crossroads" to buy a ton of food, so God forbid not to lose weight in new year's eve. And they took Lega with them, he was five years old at that time. And here we are dragging around the supermarket, the volume of food in our carts is already several times greater than the total volume of all the guests expected for the New Year, but this is not enough for us, so we take a queue in the meat department and stand humbly in it.

And Lega runs back and forth. Quite decent. But he runs. He runs to the aquarium with crayfish, then back: “Mom! There are live crayfish! Then to the scrubber and back: “Mom! I want this car too! Will I still have time to write it in a letter to Santa Claus? Do not have time? Then write in your letter! You need her more!" And he's running away again. The child is busy with business: he studies reality, enthusiastically and quite positively. But after some time, when he returns for about the fourth time, a woman, about fifty years old, standing right behind me in line, suddenly asks in a mentoring tone: “Boy! And why are you hooligans here?

Lega pauses and looks at her with some bewilderment, and then at me. And I’m already done ... Internally, I have already committed my betrayal, the phrase is already sounding in my head: “So, Lega, come on, stop running, you see, you’re in the way, stay here calmly” - when suddenly I hear the loud voice of my friend :

How is it "why is he bullying"? This is what we asked him. He is too good boy, and for harmonious development He's supposed to be rowdy 15 minutes a day. Oleg, go, go! Don't waste your time, you still have 8 and a half minutes to misbehave.

Lega laughs, runs away, and in a second, completely satisfied with life, he helps his aunt in an apron to weigh an apple.

I can not do that. Damn, why can't I? Perhaps, for this New Year, I will ask Santa Claus to give me such a skill. To always. Always be on the child's side first. And then figure it out.published

Vera Dorofeeva