Question to the expert: “No one wants to be friends with me. Why no one wants to be friends with me: the main reasons

My dear friend, today I want to tell you about friendship.

Friendship is wonderful, it is a close relationship with friends based on mutual trust, affection, both for an adult and for a child.Life is fun with friends, you can go for a walk with friends, watch movies, ride a bike, etc. With a friend, even troubles are experienced easier. In general, having a friend is great, but it may happen that you will not have friends.

What to do if no one is friends with you?

First of all, you must be bolder, shyness is not appropriate here. If you want to make friends, you need to be among the children, and not stay on the sidelines. You should try to make friends with your peers, and this is not as difficult as you might think.

It may happen that you and your parents will have to move to live in another city. Of course, you will have to change schools as well. It may happen that in new school you won't have any friends.

Your classmates at breaks gather in their companies, in pairs, and you are all alone. Yes, I agree, it's annoying. And something urgently needs to be done about it. Let's think about why this happens, and how to get out of this situation.

Remember: no one wants to be friends with...

You don’t complain to adults unnecessarily, you don’t get greedy when you have something that others don’t have, you don’t get angry and swear over trifles, you don’t whine about every little thing, you don’t get smart.

If all this is not about you, and you still can’t make friends, you may be making one of 4 mistakes.

Now you are probably thinking, what are these errors? Here I will name them for you.

1 ERROR. Do not think about how and what will happen to you, be yourself. Drive away thoughts from yourself that: “No one is friends with me because I’m not a good student” or “because I’m not athletic” or “because I don’t have expensive things” It’s like writing on your forehead:

YOU SHOULD NOT BE FRIENDS WITH ME... THERE ARE REASONS FOR IT!.

And then you're surprised you can't make friends.

People are friends with a person not because he is exemplary (sporty, smart, prestigious, handsome). And not because he has any special things. If that were the case, then everyone would only want to be friends with some unique boys and girls, and we see that almost everyone has friends.

I'll tell you this, in no case should you bribe children.

You should not wear sweets and treat them to children for your own benefit. You can smile more often.Dress nicely, look clean and tidy. You can have a nice purse with trinkets, a “mobile phone”, albeit an inexpensive one. Invite some girls or boys home to play.

Invite them to go somewhere together on the weekend (cinema, park, rollerblading, biking, etc.).

2 ERROR. This is when you start to think that you should not communicate with your peers at all and you close yourself off from everyone, prefer to sit at the computer rather than go and play outside with the guys.

Yes, perhaps a computer is that friend with whom you can play games at least all day long. He does not argue, does not snap, he will always wait for you, he will not go anywhere. You can chat in social networks where no one knows you and it’s not so scary, right? There's no problem.

It's too bad that you choose a computer.

Live communication is priceless. And so you need to learn to interact with others.

Imagine such a situation. Here you can not solve the problem in geometry. And you decide, they say, "Yes, I will not solve it at all, I'd rather do something simpler." Good decision, is not it?I agree that you can make up your mind. And after what?

How to write independent work?

How to end the school year?

Looks like you just wasted your time. You must understand that the longer you put off difficult tasks for later, the more difficult it will be to catch up with all this later.

It is better to put in more effort the first time and still cope with a difficult task.

It's the same with communication. The more often you will be "friends" with a computer, the more difficult it will be for you to learn what you are already bad at: getting to know each other, communicating, making friends. And every year it gets harder and harder. You should not run this business, it is better to gather your courage and resolutely take up communication skills.

3 ERROR. You really want to be important andnoticeable, you really want everyone to be friends with you.

You are ready for anything and do not stop thinking about it. It becomes like an obsession for you and you start trying to dress like everyone else, behave like everyone else, you are always there, you are ready to fulfill any request, you are ready to spend all the money that your parents gave you for lunch, just to stay in the company.

You are very worried about what they will think or say or how they will look at you.And if someone exchanges a few words with you, then you immediately begin to think that this is your friend.

Remember: this is not possible!

To prove to other children how good you are is absolutely useless.

All these dressing, efforts are useless. If you do this, then in the future it may end badly for you: they will start using you for their own purposes.

For example, they will drive to the dining room: “oh, could you buy a pie, otherwise I don’t have time,” or “please bring me a briefcase from the class, otherwise I won’t have time to go to the toilet,” etc. - do you want to gradually become a girl or an errand boy.

This is how you can't do it anyway.

You should understand: you are very good on your own, you are a talented and interesting person.

You don't need to prove anything to anyone - be yourself and others will definitely notice it. Learn to find mutual language And common topics with those you like (Download Falabella Lessons, audio). You need to take a step towards the first, maybe someone also does not dare to approach you. Be bold.

4 ERROR. It is foolish to think as if "everything will be as I want."

I'll tell you this: many children do not know how to communicate on an equal footing. At the first opportunity they begin to command.

Offer games that they like themselves. They believe that others should agree with their ideas and listen to everything they have to say. Laughed at their jokes. In all games, they only want to win.

And if something goes wrong, they get offended and quarrel or leave.

It seems to them that no one understands them and does not want to be friends with them, they are simply unlucky that they got such classmates or neighbors - stupid, boring and nasty.

Question to the psychologist:

Hello! I have such a situation. I'm quite active positive girl. Many where, was, there are many acquaintances. On this moment there is a guy who loves me. But I don't have close friends... It seems that I repel people somehow... I look at everyone, they all communicate with each other, make friends. And with me it's just superficial ... So in any company.

Even at school, no one was particularly friends with me, I never had a company ...

I often looked at those girls who laughed in the company, so I wanted to do that too. Although I try to be open, I help many ..

I really want to make close friends.

I have been to many countries, lived abroad for a year, but they did not perceive me there either. Rather, they perceived it, but in order to be close friends, then no. I have a feeling that something is sitting in me that pushes people away from me ... What could be wrong with me? Why don't people reach out to me?

I read a lot of books, articles like "how to make friends" and so on.

Maybe I want to be liked too much?

The psychologist answers the question.

Hello Katya! Unfortunately, not knowing you, not seeing you in person and not communicating with you with your voice, it is difficult for me to imagine what can repel people from you. This phenomenon (if it really exists) is born in contact with another person, which means that it is in contact that you need to observe it, check it and draw conclusions. Unfortunately, the correspondence too sparingly conveys the feeling of this contact, and even more so one letter.

But one thing I can tell you for sure: when we really want something, it moves away from us. As soon as we "let it go", we stop craving the result so much (in your case - intimacy), then after a short time it comes to us.

It may also be in your unstable self-esteem and the desire to please that results from this. People may feel this, which may cause them boredom or rejection, as if you are "imposing" (I don't know for sure, but I'm just guessing).

I also caught this moment in your letter. "Although I try to be open, I help many people ..". We can be open on our own, this is a natural, immediate state of trust in ourselves and the world. When you make an effort for this, you are no longer open enough, natural, but only play a role. open girls. Feel the difference? Again, this can be read by other people in contact with you and alarming (you show openness, but at the same time isolation is felt. This duality causes alertness).

By the way, do you have close communication with your young man?

I advise you to let go of the desire for deep intimacy and better contact with other people for a while (although this need is quite natural and understandable). Stop focusing on it. And let yourself be who you feel like present moment. Those. natural. Feeling insecure and tight? Be like that, don't try to build something out of yourself. Honestly admit this to yourself and to other people who are nearby. You'll see, sometimes you just have to say out loud to another that "I'm nervous", "I'm embarrassed" and the feeling of nervousness and embarrassment goes away)

And of course, in order to understand this problem more deeply and for sure, you can turn to a psychologist. This site has a lot good specialists working remotely via skype.

“When they call me names in class, I start crying. No one wants to be friends with me ... "

Yana, 9 years old

Anna Skavitina, children's analyst:

“I understand how upset you are. Yana, many girls have similar thoughts and grief. Believe me, the fact that they call you unpleasant names does not mean at all that the guys really consider you crazy or a fool! They said in their hearts, and after five minutes they no longer remember it. Almost all children call names using hurtful words. And they do not know the power of these words, they do not know how painfully they can hurt. You're very emotional girl and you attach much importance to words, so it is more difficult for you than for others. You quarrel because they are very different. Everyone has their own opinion on this or that matter. You, too, often find them stupid or nasty. And you, too, sometimes offend them, maybe without noticing it. Such quarrels usual life girlfriends and classmates. And we must learn to live with it. Don't get offended right away. Mentally count to 20, sing a song to yourself or say a rhyme. This will calm you down a bit. During this pause, you can compose an answer. For example, when Petya calls you a fool, you can say: “But you, Petya, are such a smart, polite boy, it’s just nice to talk with you!” Such answers are puzzling, and it becomes difficult to continue to call names. Try. I'm sure you will succeed. And sometimes quarrels are even necessary! They give you the opportunity to express what's on your heart. And they can even improve relations, provided that after a quarrel you make peace and explain yourself.

With a problem in communication different periods life is faced by almost every person. Most often, such questions are of concern to children, because it is they who perceive everything that happens as emotionally and emotionally as possible. similar situations can develop into a real drama. And if asking questions is a simple task for a child, then mature people talking aloud about this is not customary, and the absence of friends significantly affects a person’s self-confidence and self-esteem. To solve the problem, you need to recognize its existence and say to yourself: “Yes, I have no comrades, people don’t want to communicate with me.” Now you can begin to solve the current situation. The question of why people do not want to communicate with me, sooner or later almost every person asks himself.

What is the essence of friendship?

It’s worth starting with the fact that friendship is primarily a relationship between at least two people. It is not subject to any laws, no one sets the rules that are standard for everyone. All habits and rules of communication are born in the process and are developed as a result of prolonged communication. But in order to start communicating with a person, you need at least a mutual desire, it doesn’t hurt to also have common interests, values ​​and aspirations. Quite often, people have problems establishing contacts in the work team. People wonder why colleagues do not want to communicate with me. You can find a lot of answers and it is not necessary to look for the reason in yourself. Envy can take place here, especially often a similar problem occurs in people who have just come to new position.

Why don't you want to communicate with a person?

Sometimes it happens that even with interesting and educated personalities you don’t really want to communicate. What could be the reason? In fact, there are a lot of options, but the most common are the following: an unpleasant appearance, disrespectful attitude towards other people, unwillingness to make contact from a person, inability to communicate and behave appropriately, as well as fear of friendship and communication with others. If you think why no one wants to communicate with me, then the first step towards solving the problem has been taken.

How to deal with the problem?

If no one wants to communicate with me, then the problem is in me? Not necessarily. The appearance and behavior of a person can be considered the basis for building communication, but these two factors will not go far. And if still with unpleasant appearance you can put up with it, but someone doesn’t pay attention to it at all, then if a person acts ugly towards other people, there is already reason to think. And a person is often judged by friends. As for appearance, many characteristics that are strictly individual matter here. This may be deviations in height or weight from the norm, untidy clothes, bad smell. These problems, in principle, can be easily and quickly eliminated. Therefore, just keep clean, do not forget to brush your teeth, eat right, and so on. If this is the only problem, then after you put yourself in order, the road to full-fledged communication may open. But do not think that the attitude of others towards you will change as if by a wave magic wand. Friendship can be lost in a split second, but it takes years to build. Usually, after resolving the issue with the appearance, a period of adaptation begins, when others begin to realize the changes and show a desire to make contact.

What if the problem is deeper?

Why do they not want to communicate with me if the main problems are solved? Things are much more difficult when the communication problem is related to psychological complexes. First of all, it is an inferiority complex. There is only one way out, to realize that you are an exceptional person, thereby increasing your self-esteem and simply learning to love yourself. However, this process takes a lot of time, most likely, you will have to seek help not only from specialized literature, but also undergo any training or get advice from a specialist. But you will never regret the time and money spent, because self-development is quite an exciting activity, it is a process that can literally change a person beyond recognition. Friendship is work, it is mutual obligations, something more than simple friendly relations. Some people have such a problem as the fear of taking on this responsibility or the fear of being deceived, betrayed by another person. People are afraid to take risks, do not trust anyone around and cannot open up to another person in the way that friendship requires. Therefore, the question of why people do not want to communicate with me is very burning. It is the ability to build healthy relationships with others is one of the most important tasks of a person.

What should I do if people don't want to talk to me?

Psychologists say that most of their patients are preoccupied with questions about friendship. Often they come with questions about whether people do not want to be friends with me, why this happens and what can be done about it. Yes, it happens. There are a huge number of books, films, trainings in the world that can help you understand the problem of communicating with other people. Psychologists recommend listening to the following four tips. You should learn to control your "body language", keep track of time, be able not only to listen, but also to arouse interest in your own person. So, let's take a closer look at each of the tips. It is imperative to figure out why people do not want to communicate with me, first of all for their own good.

Body control

It will not be superfluous to observe gestures, body movements and so on. When you are having a conversation with your friend, be sure to look for signs that will indicate that your interlocutor is not enjoying the conversation. If you paid attention to this, your task is not to complicate the situation by annoying your friend. Maybe it's not even about you at all, but about external factors, but the impression of the meeting will be spoiled and in the future you may begin to be perceived as a person from whom it is quite difficult to get rid of. If you learn to catch hints that your interlocutor wants to end the conversation, then people will perceive you more easily. For example, your friend looks at his watch too often during a conversation or responds with one-syllable sentences instead of showing interest and going into details. It seems that he seems to be in a hurry somewhere. This means one thing: it's time to end the conversation and let the person go on business. Psychologists also recommend taking note of such a "chip" as the position of the feet. Yes, yes, this is not nonsense at all, experts are sure that if they are directed away from you, then this only means that your interlocutor would not mind leaving the meeting place faster and going further about their business. Why don't people want to talk to me? Perhaps the problem lies precisely in the inability to conduct a dialogue.

Control the time

Sometimes in the course of a conversation it happens that our perception of time goes astray. Especially when a person is nervous and drowns in incoherent verbosity, at the same time, such behavior goes unnoticed, as the idea of ​​time is lost. If you're interacting with a person for the first time, treat it like a press interview and prepare like that. You can train with anyone, with a friend, with family. Simulate communication at the first meeting and do not be lazy to measure the time of your speeches. Your task is to determine intuitive level when your monologue lasts 30 seconds, and when a minute or more. At first, while contact is just being established, it is not worth going beyond these limits. But as soon as you feel that the conversation is going in the right direction, you can indulge in monologues if your interlocutor is interested. Always remember that at first you should not "heap" a sea of ​​information on a partner.

Do not forget to give the floor to your interlocutor

It will be difficult for you to annoy a person if you give him the opportunity to talk about himself as much as you do. Great option- ability to set open questions, which involve free responses. All this is necessary in order to help the interlocutor engage in a dialogue. Questions must also be chosen correctly. For example, most likely the question “How long have you been living in Moscow?” will entail a monosyllabic answer, and if you ask the interlocutor why he moved to Moscow and whether he likes this city, here you can get a more interesting and detailed answer, which in the future will make it possible to develop the dialogue in new directions. Thus, you will be able to find out more about your friend or acquaintance, which will give rise to further communication.

Generate interest in yourself

Concerning standard set questions that are customary to ask in the process of secular conversation, then it is too limited and boring, and your task is to interest the interlocutors. Do not be lazy to prepare in advance interesting answers to the most common questions. Any conference involves a thousand identical questions in the spirit of: “What are you working on now?”, “What is new with you?” and so on. It would be a great omission on your part to come up with answers right off the bat or, even worse, answer with neutral phrases that do not arouse any interest in the interlocutors (“I don’t do anything special”, “nothing new is happening”). Thus, you will immediately give the impression of a boring person and others will not even have the slightest desire to continue a dialogue with you. The situation will be different if you come up with answers that can “add fuel to the fire” and stir up interest in you. People should be willing to ask you about everything in more detail.