Destructive relationships between a man and a woman: signs and causes. Who benefits from destructive relationships?
Is your relationship not going the way you planned? Unfortunately, sometimes we do feel quite uncomfortable in a marriage or partnership. Maybe it just needs to end. Check yourself for eight signs that they are destructive, and there is no point in expecting a confident future from them.
1. Others are worse off
You convince yourself that your relationship is not the worst. And this is the wrong attitude. You can not evaluate them in terms of the level and intensity of pain and discomfort. How long do you have to endure in order to console yourself with the thought that so far everything is tolerable. End this immediately.
2. You think you can handle
All relationships are work, but when they become a hell of a job rather than a pleasant partnership, things are bad. You don't have to constantly try to make them work or think about how to patch and fix everything. And, of course, the “workload” should not fall on the shoulders of one person. Recognizing that some things cannot be fixed is a step towards letting go of a destructive relationship.
3. You wait for your partner to change.
People go through many stages in their lives, but the problem comes when you sit back and wait for your partner to change. If he doesn't want to make real moves for you and your relationship, then there's no point in waiting. There is no need to convince yourself of hypothetical changes that will never come. So, it's time to start going with a partner in different directions.
4. You are constantly “healing” the relationship.
Relationships are not something to be endured! If you think you can "cure" them, it's a sign of the situation that you're accepting something that doesn't suit you. Letting go of a destructive relationship can be a stressful process, but it will bring you real relief in the long run.
5. You feel guilty
Perhaps you've been with your partner long enough that you consider leaving them a cruel act - even if you're unhappy with your life. Or maybe you feel guilty for thinking of leaving at all. Would you like someone to stay with you out of guilt? The answer is likely to be "no". Deal with a false sense of responsibility and end unfulfilling relationships.
6. You are afraid of loneliness
Many of us endure unhealthy and destructive relationships simply out of fear of being alone. It is fear that is holding you back and holding you back! Cast it out and take a step towards the future. With a support group of friends and family, you will never be alone.
7. You stay in a relationship because of the kids.
This is a false belief that relationships should be maintained by all means because of children. Children are well aware that their parents openly pretend for their sake. The sight of parental sacrifice is often more psychologically harmful to children than other childhood traumas and complexes. Your children should grow up in the safest and healthiest environment.
8. You are financially dependent on your partner
Relationships are all about compromises and the search for balance. However, many people feel compelled to stay in a relationship precisely because of financial issue which is difficult to overcome. You are too afraid for reasons of your own financial security and therefore you are trapped. Think about how you can get out of this situation.
When we settle into unhappy and destructive relationships, we often don't notice their abnormality until it's too late. Accept and acknowledge that you are in them, and this acceptance will help you better navigate how to proceed.
When leaving a destructive relationship, women usually ask me three questions:
1) Could they have been avoided?
2) How to recognize a psychopath?
3) Is it possible to improve, correct relations that were originally tyrannical-victim?
1) I guess Some women can't help but get into a painful relationship. If a woman did not immediately run away, suspecting something was wrong, but the relationship remained, then the script of co-dependent relationships is programmed in the unconscious.
A normal woman with a healthy relationship script, a man who shows at least the slightest sign violence, self-centeredness, emotional coldness, power and superiority, would frighten and repulse during first dates.
A woman infected with the virus of tyrannical-victim relations does not have this immunity. She just doesn't see the signs. If we also remember the ability of psychopaths to mimic the expectations of a woman, then one-time bursts of aggression or questionable behavior go unnoticed by a woman.
2) Recognizing a psychopath is both easy and difficult at the same time. There are socially adapted psychopaths who hurt only relatives and friends, and there are psychopaths who openly disregard any moral norms and rules and commit crimes.
Home (adapted) show cruelty. It is not necessarily expressed in beatings, psychological abuse causes just as much suffering as psychopaths are well aware of. To see if a person shows signs of cruelty, it is enough to observe his relationships with relatives and friends. Relationships with friends and acquaintances in this sense are not indicative, because true essence a person is known only by those who are in close contact with him.
If a man insults, humiliates, devalues, this sure sign that the person incapable of experiencing the highest moral qualities (compassion, sympathy, love, conscience, shame, etc.). If a man, knowing that this or that act will bring pain to a woman, still commits it, then this may well be a manifestation of a personality disorder, which is psychopathy.
The need to establish power and dominance- Another sign of emerging difficult co-dependent relationships. Healthy relationships are partnerships. Therefore, it is very important to pay attention to what a man says. With a declared partnership, notes of superiority may slip through. The desire to subdue, to force something, to establish control, to dictate the rules of behavior - bad symptom, although it can appear quite mildly. “Well, understand, I’m a man”, “you understand that a man is the main one in a relationship”, “honey, let me decide how best” and the like.
Forbidding a woman to express her feelings- also a sign of a man's psychopathy. “You are a woman, you must endure”, “be softer, more feminine, keep silent”, “stop crying, you have already seen it”, etc. Unable to experience such emotions, he does not understand what he should do with the expression of a woman's feelings. There is unmotivated aggression. And, as a result, reproaches that the woman herself provoked an outbreak of cruelty.
Also very important - psychopaths don't apologize. More precisely, they can do it in words, quite colorfully and convincingly, in order to keep the victim, but in fact they are not capable of feeling guilty. A woman understands the forgery very well when, after a while, she discovers that there was no remorse.
It is worth noting deceit in the signs of psychopathy. This can be both a primitive lie and a carefully organized secrecy. Woman for a long time does not know what a person has behind his soul, masks are shown to everyone. Socially acceptable conversations, demonstrative actions and actions that are natural in relationships, elevated to the rank of a feat. Moreover, the woman will be billed for the committed “good deeds”.
And, of course, physical violence. Pinching, hitting, pushing, holding, if it is not part of the love game, are actions that a person performs who is capable of creating a tyrannical-victim relationship. If a person is able to hurt "beloved", then this is not about. And yes, there is a rule: from small pain to big. The aggressor will constantly expand the scope of what is permitted.
3) Tyrannical-victim relations cannot be corrected. This is the case when there is nothing to fight for. In such relationships, in addition to emotional swings that destroy the psyche, endless criticism, depreciation, demands for unquestioning obedience, methods of violence are used - not only verbal, emotional, material, but also psychological. All this in a relationship is organized by a psychopath and his victim.
The victim will not be able to create a healthy relationship until he has worked through his unconscious. A psychopath will never be able to create healthy relationships.
Psychopathy is a disease personality disorder, which is treated by psychiatrists, and, according to some versions, is associated with an organic lesion of some parts of the brain. Due to the lack of higher moral character, the psychopath does not consider his behavior unhealthy, does not consider himself the cause of destructive relationships, and is generally convinced that everything is in order with him, therefore, as a rule, he does not turn to specialists.
Therefore, there is only one way out - from a relationship without the hope of returning anything or proving and restoring the integrity of one's personality.
With love, Lilia Akhremchik, trainer, psychologist, coach
What signs can be used to identify destructive relationships?
- you feel that you are not needed, indifferent to a person;
- your interests, views, desires, opinions are neglected;
- you are manipulated, for example, constantly causing jealousy, guilt;
- you feel worthless, self-esteem is low;
- you are not respected;
- you are in constant nervous tension.
This list can go on, but the essence is the same - you suffer. Ask yourself: Are relationships making you happy? Someone will object: “There is absolutely no happy relationship! In life there is always a place for quarrels, disagreements, misunderstandings. They are right. Any relationship, and even more so marriage, is work, each of the partners must contribute in order to establish mutual understanding and build a happy union.
But destructive relationships there are two key differences:
- You experience discomfort all the time.
- You don't deserve the way you are treated.
Everyone has quarrels. For example, you had a fight because your husband did not wash the dishes after him. But in healthy relationships the husband will call back and explain that he was late and forgot to do it. Returning home, he will definitely wash, because he respects you and your requests. Or perhaps he won't have to do anything, because you, as an understanding wife, will do everything yourself. In a destructive relationship, the husband will say that washing dishes is not his responsibility: “You are a woman, here is mine!”, “Why are you pestering me with endless requests? I have my affairs through the roof!”. And you will either bend, go and wash, or stand in a defensive position until a mountain of unwashed dishes begins to fall out of the apartment.
Feel the difference? In the first case, you are heard and respected, a person is easily ready to please a partner. In the second, you are neglected, putting principles above your desires. Of course, a bad temper is not necessarily a sign of a destructive relationship. For example, if the above incident happened once, there is nothing to worry about. But everything in life is made up of little things, and a simple situation turns into a problem when repeated day after day.
What to do if you have diagnosed a destructive relationship?
The answer suggests itself - to stop them. Easy to say, but is it so easy to do? Breaking up a relationship is often unbearably difficult. Maybe you don't need to stop them? Perhaps you like these conditions? “How can you like it if I suffer?” - you ask. The answer lies in your need for this relationship. You just can't leave, but why?
1. You are afraid of loneliness
The most common reason why people fail to end relationships, even in the absence of love and understanding.
2. You are used to suffering, it seems to be the norm.
The reason is childhood trauma, family scenarios from childhood. For example, a girl who young age saw scenes of violence and constant scandals in the family, perceives the situation as the norm and unconsciously looks for similar despotic men. With her mind, she understands that this is bad, such behavior towards a woman is terrible, but every time she runs away from such a relationship, she stumbles upon similar ones. The internal conflict is not resolved, she unconsciously tries to resolve it, but to no avail. Usually in such cases, only deep psychotherapy helps.
Or another, more common story: a girl grew up without a father or without paternal (parental) love. Having matured, such women often become insecure, they cannot allow the thought that someone can love them, they feel unworthy of love. Of course they are drawn to bad guys who use and abandon them. Because they have no idea what love is, that a person can be sincerely loved simply for what he is.
A woman who did not receive love in childhood becomes cold
Every time she enters a destructive relationship, a girl experiences family scenario, where her father "left" her, regardless of the reason for which he was not really there. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to get out of this vicious neurotic circle. The problem is aggravated by the fact that such girls try to attract “love” by any means: trying to become necessary, they bend under men, allow themselves to be pushed and used. It happens differently: a woman who did not receive love in childhood closes herself and becomes cold, out of fear of being abandoned, does not let anyone near her. Similar scenarios apply to the male half of humanity.
3. The need to be needed
This item contains both the fear of loneliness and children's complexes where you have not received enough love.
So, you realized that you are in a “toxic” relationship and even roughly understood the reason. What to do next? There are two ways out: to change the situation or not to change. To change means to end those relationships in which you are not valued. Remember, you deserve the best just because you are!
Not to change means to keep the relationship, but to change the perception, to reconfigure oneself in these relationships. How to do it? This is another story, which concerns deep and painstaking introspection with all the consequences, or contacting a specialist.
As a result, ask yourself the question: “Am I suffering or happy?”
You have no right to be unhappy
There are cases when a person has limited personal space, when a partner controls him totally - for someone this can cause a feeling of discomfort and anxiety. However, not all. This is where character traits and perceptions come into play. certain person, which, in turn, are also associated with a certain pathology of self-esteem. Is it necessary to change something if a person feels happy?
If you still do not feel satisfaction from the relationship, you must decide to make changes in your life, because you simply have no right to be unhappy.
And yet, try to analyze, perhaps the destructor and the cause of the destructive relationship - you yourself? Maybe your partner is suffering in a relationship with you, and is it worth changing something in yourself or leaving, freeing your loved one from suffering?
about the author
Lenshina Sofia- Researcher at the Department of Psychology, National Research University Higher School of Economics.
Why do people return to the viscous swamp of destructive relationships?
I have seen this family for many years. Both spouses quarrel, raise their hands against each other, mock their son morally and physically. Since the husband surpasses the wife in strength, this periodically results in serious injuries. After another injury, she breaks up with him, preparing a divorce suit. But ... She has an apartment, he has nowhere to live, and he asks to return. It seems to give her a deep feeling. self-importance. And besides, she lets him back on her own terms, namely, that he will meekly endure humiliation and completely obey her. Swearing and bullying are repeated over each other. And again, alcohol does its job, the husband again inflicts injuries on his wife, because at least physically he surpasses her. What will be next?...
People break up and then bring their partner back to “give him a chance,” but for what? To change, become different? Or to repeat your previous experience when will he be provoked again? Because the one who gives a chance does not change himself. Wife in this case believes that she is perfect, and others are to blame for her troubles. And if she behaves incorrectly, she believes that all other people are wrong. AND everyone in the world owes her everything, and this is manifested not only in relation to the spouse, but also to the mother, and brothers and sisters, and just to acquaintances.
In fact in such a relationship, the needs of both parties are satisfiedwhich consist in proving to the partner that he is worthless. Not to build a life with him, but to fully use the available means of power, unquestioningly subordinating and depersonalizing him.
But the lever in the form of an apartment does not work, and the other one also wants power. So there is an endless struggle that reveals the failure of both parties, their inability to create relationships, mutually develop and collaborate.
This manifests itself destructive personality, a person gets into a dead end of stagnation. He does not want to develop, first of all, himself. He thinks that he is a ruler and a dictator, but in the end becomes a victim.
All this, apparently, does not come from a great mind. And let's not forget that man as a species survived, precisely thanks to the development of intelligence, which, among other things, suggests ways of self-preservation and protection of offspring. Without them, you can’t build a family unit and you won’t give a child a decent start in life. And only you will take revenge on yourself, others, your own children for everything that did not work out for yourself. And due to this, it is rather dirty to assert oneself, instead of strive to build to achieve joy and love.
The human mind requires constant development, like muscular system, if you do not train - degrades. A person can help himself in this matter only by himself, showing his desire and asking for guidance and help from your Creator on this path.
Psychologist, life coach, motivator and inspirer Yulia Levkovskaya told what are the signs of toxic and destructive relationships that destroy a person. About how a partner behaves in an alliance where there is no respect and love, but there is dependence, read in the material.
What kind of relationships can be called destructive? Those who, instead of joy and happiness, often bring grief, after which a huge “black hole” is formed inside from complexes, injuries and destroyed self-esteem!
Get a list of examples emotional abuse, which is the basis of destructive relationships:
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1. You, that the things that make you unhappy are quite normal, or that you exaggerated something in general, because you are a “crazy hysteric”! For example: his constant night parties with other girls or his travels with his mistress, his ignoring your requests, insults and shouting at you ... And at the slightest attempt to clarify the situation, you are faced with the phrases: “you screwed yourself up”, “everyone lives like that, everything is not so bad with us”, “you are always dissatisfied with everything”…!
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2. Any serious conversation is translated as a joke or even tactfully changes the topic and as a result, instead of a clarified situation, there remains a feeling of devastation and helplessness! For example: he did not come to spend the night, you demand an explanation, he instead accuses you of always screaming and all the problems in the relationship because of you!
3. If you refuse to violate your boundaries. For example: you refuse to “turn on” a hospitable hostess at 4 a.m. in front of his drunken friends, whom he invited without your consent ... and he automatically: uses emotional coldness / “boycott”, can not talk to you for weeks or years, if you You are not doing what he wants!
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4. He constantly criticizes your appearance or character to trample on your self-confidence, for example: wow, what cellulite you have on your butt / look at what wrinkles you have on your forehead / with your short legs ... / you have a bad temper, with so no one is interested in you / yes, who needs you like that ..!
If you are familiar with such situations, then I would recommend that you save yourself as soon as possible, at least starting to defend your borders!
The personal page of the psychologist Yulia Levkovskaya can be found link.
Recall, earlier we, how to understand what is worth putting an end to a relationship, how to end toxic relationship and how a man manipulates a woman. In addition, relationship experts and psychologists who specialize in counseling couples so that their marriage does not fall apart, a list of reasons why the relationship between once happy people are on the verge of breaking.
