If a husband does not love his wife: what are the signs? How does a husband behave if he does not love his wife? Husband and wife. How to learn to live calmly, without unnecessary worries

Hello everyone, I'm talking about a situation in which I could not figure it out myself.

I married five years ago, for love, a child was born two years ago (now the child is two years old). After the birth, the wife changed a lot, for no reason she became rude, called names, inadequately perceived my actions (relatively speaking, the child, playing on the floor, hit himself with a toy, and she immediately starts calling me VERY bad words). By type of work, I often travel on business trips (about a month or two a year). The wife does not work, because at first there was a small baby, and then (after some time she wanted to go to work - she didn’t want to).

For a long time I attributed everything to the postpartum syndrome, to the fact that life has changed a lot and the like.

At some point, I began to understand that it was not my behavior that was to blame and not that I was bad in her eyes, but because there were clearly mental problems. He persuaded me to go to the doctor, who stated that it was necessary to be treated, and prescribed pills. My wife took them for a while and stopped (it was a year ago). After that, the swing began: either for several days everything is fine, or maybe even for empty place call it a beast, a goat. She repeatedly said that she needed to get a divorce, despite the fact that she did not give reasons, she was always faithful, at home she did the maximum work that she could. There was no way to drag him to a psychiatrist under any circumstances. Also, all sorts of abuse was periodically rushed against my parents, against my relatives and even various mutual acquaintances.

As a result, she ended up falling into some of her own thoughts, suspecting everyone of conspiracy, periodically calling everyone names, sometimes even obscenely. As a result, we managed to put her in a mental hospital, where she has been for a month and a half. Doctors are still confused about the diagnosis, but this is something very similar to schizophrenia, although they still call it a "polymorphic psychotic disorder."

During the visits, the wife behaves very affectionately, wants to return home, misses, asks if she has fallen out of love ... But I just have a breakdown inside. On the one hand, I understand that she said a lot without quite understanding what she was doing, on the other hand, I cannot live with a person who, as soon as I and my relatives (and my own), did not name. I am trying to understand that she is probably my wife, that I should take care of her, and only thoughts come into my head to create another family and take the child for myself. Because mental illness almost always, sooner or later, end with new breakdowns, I understand that I will again listen to a bunch of things about myself. And besides, the thought begins to disturb that if the wife is not in order, no matter how she dreamed something at some point and she would not harm the child (although even at moments when everyone around was enemies, she never did anything bad baby did not, on the contrary, gave him all the love and care).

Here are the questions: how to live with a person whom you can no longer love? is it necessary? or is it better to spit and start life anew (most likely with your child)?

Good day dear readers! Divorce is a serious psychological trauma for both parties. And it is generally accepted that women suffer more.

But, men also need support and care during this difficult time. I can say this for sure, because I saw it in my brother, who survived a divorce.

Men also lose weight, become depressed, and even worse, they can become addicted to drinking.

Today we will try to find out how husbands perceive divorce. And maybe men will find in my article the answer to exciting question How to live with your wife after a divorce.

If a divorce occurs at the initiative of a woman, then the man experiences very serious stress. From childhood, men are instilled with the habit of not flaunting their feelings.

Therefore, for many men it is difficult to say what they are really experiencing. But they don't fewer women suffer in such a situation.

And often the emotions accumulated inside develop into diseases, or even suicide. It is especially bad if a man is left alone.
This results in the following behavioral responses:

1. The man begins to behave defiantly defiantly to show how he doesn't care. And that the family is not really needed. But in fact, he feels loneliness and longing, which can lead to depression.
2. The most dangerous reaction is withdrawal into oneself, silence and isolation. This happens with strong inner experiences.
3. The husband refuses to accept his wife's decision to divorce and tries to save the relationship. But even when living in the same apartment, nothing comes of it and the marriage falls apart.

Reasons for breaking up

Before starting to create new relationships, it is worth analyzing the old ones. It is important to understand the reasons for the breakup. Perhaps you made too high demands and suppressed her with your straightforwardness.

How comfortable you were together and how often you talked to each other about your feelings. And did you think about the fact that she has her own interests.
You should not engage in self-flagellation, because divorce is always the fault of both spouses.

Consequences of divorce: how to live on

At this difficult stage in life, many questions arise:

• where to go next;
• how to live alone;
• how to start new life and where.

Psychologists advise not to withdraw into yourself. If you want to be sad, be sad.

Analyze what went wrong in the past marriage so that you don’t make such mistakes in the future.

Find yourself as a person. Think about your favorite hobbies and hobbies. Perhaps there was some interesting business before marriage. Be sure to go in for sports. Don't hide from people.

Remember that loneliness also has healing power. It is during such periods that a person learns, learns something new and is engaged in self-education.
And do not flood your grief with alcohol.

If you gather your will into a fist and survive hard times, there will definitely be improvements. You have to be patient and not get discouraged.

And do not immediately rush into the maelstrom of a new relationship.

Can relationships be saved?

This may have a detrimental effect on mental health. Don't try to find new love, such relationships will be hopeless.

Friends, as a rule, are not the best advisers in such matters. They will say that all women are the same and advise not to worry. If you are completely unbearable and such thoughts come that “I don’t want to live,” you can turn to a good psychotherapist.

Not to a psychiatrist, to a psychotherapist.

Big difference. Qualified specialist can give good advice. And one consultation will cost much less than a week of hopeless and woeful drinking.

How not to go to extremes

It is difficult for men to survive a divorce and not rush to extremes. It is especially difficult to survive the gap in 40 years and 50 years. A man needs to switch and allow himself to be distracted from the situation.

Perhaps these tips will help you:

1. Stop entertaining yourself with illusions and rid yourself of painful memories. Direct all your energy towards starting a new life.
2. Set new goals and plans for the future. You can set a goal for yourself to get promoted or start a project or start a vegetable garden or a farm. There is no point in wasting your life on past sorrows.
3. Take a piece of paper and write down all the benefits that divorce has given you. If the first time did not work out, put the sheet in a prominent place. After a while, there will be no free space left on it.

What to do if there are children?

The pain of a breakup is stronger if there are common children. Moreover, they often stay with their mother, and the father experiences a double loss. When parting with his wife, the time for being with children also decreases.

If the child is an adult and can decide on his own about meetings with his father, then it is easier to survive a divorce.
Breaking off relations, both parents should think, first of all, about the child. Efforts should be made to reduce the risk of injury.

Adults need to explain that dad does not leave the child. He will also continue to take part in the life of the child, come to birthdays, and will also give gifts.

And if there are children, especially do not start drinking or behaving in an inhuman way. Remember, your child will see all this, which will have a bad effect on his mental health.

Survive a divorce with minimal health consequences and mental state The following tips will help:

1. Don't stay isolated. Communicate more. Find someone with whom you can calmly discuss and analyze the situation. Don't be afraid to talk and show your emotions.
2. Treat divorce as a fait accompli. You can't do anything about these, so ignore this problem.
   3. Do not try to find right and wrong. Blaming will only make the depression worse.
3. For men, activity is important. Direct all your energy to business, study, self-education, hobbies or useful hobbies.
4. Try to keep friendly relations with ex-wife. This is important when there are common children. This will help to resolve issues related to children.
5. Don't start serious relationship right after the divorce. Your partner may suffer from this, which will cause even more guilt. Take a break and get busy with work and self-education.
6. Get support from friends and family.
7. Start living over. After a divorce, a start for new achievements and interesting things can begin. Change something in your Everyday life and it will get easier.

Make an effort and you will be able to survive all difficulties.

Don't get lost in the past and memories. Continue to live and conquer new goals.

I will be very grateful.
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Until we meet again friends!

Psychologist's answer.

Hello Ivan.

You asked a question on the site - psychology happy life. I am answering your question.
To begin with, the situation in your family is really very unhealthy, that's how you described it and far from family happiness. And you ask what to do, save the family, or get divorced?
I will answer you like this. Do you want to keep the family in the form in which yours now exists? family life? Here with those problems which are in your family?
With this misunderstanding, with this headache that your family life brings you into Lately? I think you will say no. That you don't want that kind of family life.
You want normal. Then it turns out that changes are needed. After all, if you don’t do anything, don’t change anything, neither in yourself nor in relationships, nothing will change for the better.
Especially if your spouse is not going to change anything, because she blames you for everything.
If she believes that you are to blame, it turns out you are guilty and responsible for everything.
What to do? I suggest doing the following:

• 1) stop being guilty
• 2) take responsibility for what happens in your life. For example, if you are called bad words regularly, then you allow it.
• 3) responsibility for the formation of relationships is borne by both partners in the family.

And what happens in your family is the result of your joint efforts to form relationships.
Relationships, like a house, are built in a certain way. And if you built them like that, then this is the result of your joint creativity. And looking for the guilty is useless.
This is not a constructive solution.

You understand what's the matter. People often turn to psychologists not with the question of how to improve relationships?
And the question is, is it worth keeping them? But in order to save something, you need to have a very good idea of ​​what is happening in your family. What underlying problems led to such a result. How does the situation look now?
To what extent is your wife ready to enter into a dialogue with you, to maintain and improve relationships.
How much each of you is ready to leave grievances and build relationships. Do not blame each other, but simply understand each other, hear. Admit your mistakes and mutually work on improving the relationship.
Here, in order to understand all this, I recommend that you and your wife turn to a family psychologist.
Or, at the very least, see a psychologist yourself. If you begin to change, according to the law of the family system, your relationship with your wife will also change.
Because when a family is on the brink of divorce, or close to it, it's important to get psychological help during.
Because the house is repaired only as long as it is repairable. I think you just need to figure out a lot of things right now.
And then you are on your own! Make a decision. Whether you want this marriage or not.

Many girls go out married and after a few years of family life, they begin to complain about their soul mate. The fact is that with the start of attending school, women have more free time, they can afford to sleep more, watch TV and sit at the computer. A sedentary and monotonous lifestyle leads to the fact that she ceases to take care of herself, grows fat, her former vigor and cheerfulness disappear somewhere.

Now she's more and more complains for health and bad life, constantly takes various pills and tries to heal with them. Meanwhile, it would be nice for her to think about the fact that for health she needs to actively move and reduce weight, and to improve the functioning of the stomach, liver and kidneys, switch to healthy eating. And in order to get rid of depression, insomnia and stress, you should not immediately start swallowing sedatives, you should try to reconsider your habits, way of thinking and life in order to change it for the better.

If you are unhappy husband and for any failures in your life, you declare: "It's his fault!", then this sure sign what you have wrong image thinking and you are not ready to change your life. Self-righteousness and the inability to listen to others is the main reason that a woman feels unhappy living with her husband and having children. Of course, holding on to a husband who drinks, kicks his wife and children out of the house, or tries to live off his wife is not worth it.

Can't be allowed humiliate yourself and endure the ugliness of life. Having no faith in a bright future, wives and parasites live with desires to change their lives, but do not find the strength to get divorced and find a more worthy place to live. Relationships between spouses in such families are usually called "suitcase". This is when it’s hard to carry, but it’s a pity to quit. But it is impossible to change your life with such an attitude towards yourself.

Make up your mind finally, and "throw away the old suitcase, and instead buy a modern bag with wheels" so that your load does not have to be lifted, and he himself went without an application special efforts. The words “I can’t do anything”, “where will I go with the children”, “how can he be without us, because he will get drunk” - do not work. You do not grow complexes in yourself, but you try to change your life. So, we must look for ways out, learn and fight. Especially if not only your happiness, but also the well-being of your children depends on it.

If you are not ready divorce your husband and plan to live with him further, then first leave the habit of telling everyone about your sorrows and bad husband just to pity you. Be prepared to change your relationship with your husband and your lifestyle. Analyze your actions and the actions that you have performed in the past.

Conflicts in many families arise because the husband wants to live one way and the wife another way. At the same time, everyone strives to make his soul mate live the way he thinks is right and for this he criticizes, demands and blames his spouse, making a scandal. But family life does not always consist only of conflicts, there are times when spouses feel respect, tenderness and gratitude for each other. If there are still such moments in your family, then the reason that you feel unhappy is in yourself and your attitude to lifestyle.

In many families relationship between spouses line up in the same way as their parents had. The reason that you are not satisfied with your husband and family life must be sought in your subconscious, in the depths of your beliefs and erroneous images that you have formed with early childhood. If you want to get rich and fulfill all your desires, then you do not need to blame your husband for not earning enough. Look for the reason for his unwillingness to earn more in himself.

It is useless to reproach husband in unwillingness to increase family income, if you yourself envy the rich and have a negative attitude towards money. Remember how you felt when someone told you about a friend or acquaintance who was able to buy a house in a prestigious location, have a car with a personal driver, or live in luxury in another country? Now imagine that your husband starts to grow rapidly up the career ladder, goes in for sports and has many friends that he will need to develop his business. Will you be sincerely happy about this? Don't rush to answer. Many wives themselves block the development of their husband, fearing that she will become uninteresting to her husband if he takes a high position. They believe that he will leave and find another as soon as he begins to succeed and become rich.

Instead of raise their self-esteem, develop their intellectual and professional level, they live in fear and do not give their husband the opportunity to realize himself at work. Demanding a husband to be always there, forcing him to wash, iron, cook and take care of a child, you can make your life easier, but not contribute to the prosperity and well-being of the family in the future. Look at yourself from the outside and learn to understand your fears, resentments and habits. Do not try to manipulate your husband through accusations and threats.

Start working on your mistakes and find ways to overcome your laziness. Many women are like vampires, they can spend hours talking about their failures in life and complaining about their husband’s failure, imbued with the energy of the compassion of their mother or girlfriend, and after “refueling” they again return to their usual world, where she is terribly reluctant to do homework and upbringing of children. Understand, a person who does not know how to overcome his laziness cannot change his life only by complaining about his husband. Change your attitude to life, and these changes should start from yourself and from your home.

Nowadays, it is easier for a person to choose, to refuse, than to build what he wants. The consumer society has taught us to take what is ready, to replace a failed copy instantly, without repairing, without being especially careful. Any thing can be replaced with a more updated, improved, modernized version. This applies not only to the material world, but also to spiritual matters, regrettably.

Everyone wants happiness not sometime, in the near or distant future, but here and now. After all, many fashionable teachings are now teaching us this, speaking about healthy egoism, about self-love, about other things that people around do not particularly notice. One has only to look at how many ideals can now be gleaned from films, advertisements, magazines, where it is so beautiful, emasculated, combed and varnished. And when a living person differs from these pictures, he seems worse, not beautiful, not expressive and generally not worth attention.

Then it seems possible to easily and simply change one woman for another. Despite the fact that the man started a family, built relationships, the time came when this was not enough, and new feelings entered his life, deeper, richer. It's time for a change.

Your wife constantly controlled your life, did not allow simple male pleasures like football with beer in the company of friends. Or vice versa, so indifferent to you that it seemed that she was not in your life, in bed. Or so eager to please that it became completely uninteresting to live with a person who does not value himself, who is nothing of himself.

Once I married her not out of love, but by chance, flying, in my youth, not really understanding what kind of person was in front of you. Or there was love, but over time, every dash, every movement became famous, ordinary, not important. There are many possible reasons for a breakup. But during the time of living together, life has been built, traditions and habits have developed in the family. No one will say that leaving now is easy.

This would have continued, but she appeared, beautiful, bright, emotional, in general, different. Life sparkled, acquired meaning, passion, felt alive, renewed. You are drawn to her, but family responsibility holds. With respect for your partner, you don’t want to hurt her by leaving, but in your heart you already have another.

For a while you manage to maintain the status quo, both women are unaware of each other's existence. However, the situation has changed - now you need to make a choice. Either one of them delivered an ultimatum, or the spouse found out about the rival, put before the fact - something needs to be decided. Now the most difficult thing was to make a decision, to take responsibility. Otherwise, there will be a constant movement - he left his wife for his mistress, then vice versa - difficult for all participants in this game.

Therefore, never being a scoundrel, he divorced, after a divorce from his wife, he went to his mistress from all his past, from home. You also call home, out of habit, the place where the former lives, and not the place where you began to live with your mistress.

You feel guilty towards your ex and her self-pity. You hope that she will not arrange a showdown with a new woman, because after a divorce from her, you tried to arrange things calmly and without conflicts. Your new life has begun.

How to live with someone else

But is life with a mistress as simple and beautiful as it seems from afar? After a while, it often turns out that long-distance relationships and living together are two different things. Even if you often stayed with your girlfriend, sometimes you spent holidays together. The one who is accustomed to any of you, morning, not getting enough sleep, or sick, grumbling, understands you much better than this other one.

You have two paths, which depend on why you live with her, what you want from her and the relationship.

• The first is that you enjoy your connection while it lasts, do not count on its long duration. You like to be free from any obligations. Because the time will come you'll be gone again. In this case, accept what happens as long as you like it, don't try to put in a lot of effort to maintain the relationship. If both of you are satisfied with such a relationship, they can be quite long.
• Second, you want to be happy with her. planning a long life together. He found in her what was missing in his previous life, he is now serious, resolute.

If your other woman is real happiness for you, the love of your life, you have to build new family, learn how to live. Learn to understand each other not only on romantic dates, feel the mood by turning the head. With all the desire to create something new, fear is very strong - what if it doesn’t work out, what if the decision is wrong. You will also have to fight this, making every day right and valuable.

• You need to be patient. You will encounter things that you have not seen before in your girlfriend, you will learn to be tolerant of them. new woman you have to learn a lot of what is important to you, while the former knew your shortcomings, weaknesses. She does not know your features, your habits as well as it will be necessary for constant support, you will need to forgive her a lot in advance.
• It is necessary to build relationships with her family and friends, with friends, girlfriends. Give her time to communicate with them, accept them.
• To put up with various inconveniences in everyday life, which in that life had already been polished.
• You may have to find mutual language V financial matters: go to a restaurant, as they did before, or dine with homemade food, having bought something necessary for the house. And a friend can still expect a fur coat, a trip to the Maldives. We'll have to negotiate.
• Speaking of gifts: very often girlfriends receive gifts that are much more expensive, more substantial than spouses.
• If you find yourself next to your ex, on various issues that arise or in connection with common children, you should be calm, rational. Communicating with children, if you have them, you continue to educate them, love them, spend time with them, listen to their problems, you divorced your wife, not them.
• If your girlfriend has a child, you will replace his father, this should be approached carefully, carefully, without violating his boundaries, remembering that they used to live without you, they were also a family.
• You can't back down if something seems difficult to you. If you remember why you are with her, you will have the strength to solve the difficulties that arise.

It may happen that doubts will haunt you - did I do the right thing by going to my mistress? Can I be happy with her? Nobody is immune from this. In any situation, two parties are involved, your relationship can be happy with an equal contribution from each. But by doing something, you are more likely to get what you want than to wait.

Otherwise, you will have to change women like gloves, expecting that each new one will be better than the previous one, it will fit right away and perfectly.