When the wife is a domestic despot. Family tyrant - variants of family violence
Remember "The Tale of the Fisherman and the Fish"? After all, Alexander Sergeevich described in it a fairly common situation - a henpecked husband, who is humiliated, beaten and literally killed by a tyrant-wife. A fairy tale, as they say, is a lie and a hint in it. Have you ever wondered why the old man resignedly carried out the most absurd demands of the silly old woman? And what to do modern man who got the same eccentric, cruel, mentally unbalanced wife as his wife?
Nothing predicted
“This is not the person I knew before. This is just a tyrant who constantly yells at the child, at me and is unhappy with everything! - writes a desperate man. “She yells and swears in front of a child, at a child, at me everywhere with or without reason. She beats the child because he disturbs her sleep. Such a bestial attitude towards one's family is a blatant crime, ”these are the words of another man who became a victim of a tyrannical wife.
Reading these sad stories, many, obviously, are asking a completely logical question - where were the eyes of these unfortunate people when they went to the registry office? Was it already impossible to calculate how the situation would develop?
This question cannot be answered in one word and unambiguously. It happens that in the character, or rather, the psyche of a woman, metamorphoses occur, associated with certain events, changes in life.
Sometimes in candy-bouquet period she skillfully disguises her hysteria, and then, when the stamp is already in her passport, she unbelts, not considering it necessary to hide dark sides of his nature.
But it also happens differently. It just seems that no one in their right mind would connect fate with a hysterical, aggressive, eternally dissatisfied woman. In fact, they also marry such people: “I got a girl who almost rushed at me with her fists - she slammed the door, she didn’t wash the cup. At first I joked that she would sign up for boxing to relieve herself, until I myself became a “pear”.
Who do you have to be to voluntarily become a victim?
Voluntary sacrifice
The same man who admitted that his bride used him as a punching bag says: “At first, my father beat me because I was“ not a man, but a musician. ”He could grab me and cut me under the typewriter if he didn’t like my hair. . I went to the institute covered in bruises. " That is, a person was "programmed" from childhood to the role of a victim. And it's not special case- Studies show that men who were beaten as children often become victims of violence in their families as well. Just like the daughters of alcoholics marry alcoholics - not only because they choose a life partner from the same marginal environment in which they themselves grow up, but also because the same program works.
Very often, tyrants get married to men brought up by an imperious, despotic mother - again, creating their own "cell of society", these representatives of the strong half of humanity "copy" the behavior patterns that were observed in parental families.
Of course, in this program, as in any, there are failures. But anyway - if your parents humiliated you, if you grew up in dysfunctional family and realize this - contact a psychologist. In your case, this is not a whim and not a waste of time and money. It is very important to get rid of a dysfunctional background, talk to a specialist about all the problems and try to solve them together. If before your eyes your father, under the menacing cry of his mother or under her heavy hand, turned into an unrequited, humiliated creature, this picture cannot but stand before your eyes. You don't want your kids to watch the same thing, do you? For the sake of their peace of mind, peace of mind, you should step out of the role of a victim.
From a quivering doe to an evil fury
For women who have experienced domestic violence, there are special centers where they are provided with appropriate assistance. But no one has heard of such centers for men. Why? Obviously, the reason is that boys are brought up to be sort of persistent tin soldiers, suggesting to them that it is shameful to admit one's weakness. As adults, they will never take dirty linen out of the hut, telling that they are beaten, humiliated, oppressed.
What to do if your wife, whom you loved and with whom you dreamed of living a long and happy life, turned into a fury, a monster that does not allow you or your children to live?
To put up with domestic tyranny and endure is like stepping into a swamp: sooner or later it will drag out.
We must act. First, analyze the situation - how far things have gone. If outbursts of anger, rage, aggression are single, there is still a chance that the spouse can be helped. This is especially true if you have a child: postpartum is not an invention of idle ladies, but a terrible disease that can result in anything, including aggression towards loved ones. But to sit and wait for everything to pass by itself is not permissible. If you really love your wife, want to save the family - contact the experts immediately. Depression is a disease, and the disease must be treated.
Break the vicious circle
If the role of a victim of domestic tyranny has been fixed for you for a long time and firmly, do not hide your head in the sand. Recognize that the problem exists and solve it radically - get a divorce. Save yourself and your children. By the way, it is possible that your children, who have heard many times from their mother that you are a “rag”, “an eccentric with the letter M”, “loser”, “henpecked” - are already accustomed to thinking about you this way and they have respect for you for a long time It depends on you whether the vicious circle will break or whether your son will, like you, with his head in his shoulders, listen from own wife that he is a rag, does not know how to earn money and is generally good for nothing.
To take such a step, of course, is not easy. Council in this case maybe one - work with a psychologist who will help you survive the situation, adapt to a new life, feel like a person again.
And further. Female aggressors are often experienced manipulators. Do not succumb to provocations, do not believe false promises and do not go to the next round.
Remember - this is your life and it is in your hands to make it happy.
Tyranny is a habit that turns into a need.
F.M.Dostoevsky
Tyrant in the family. Truth and fiction.
A lot has been said and written about tyranny in the family. And what of this is true, and what is ordinary fiction? Who is the family tyrant really? These are the questions I will try to answer in my article.
We need to start with the fact that at present only men are called family tyrants. How true is this statement? After all, it is no secret that representatives of the fair half successfully terrorize life partners, justifying this with words as ancient as the world: “Everything is for his good. He is absolutely helpless." A familiar picture? But in this case, others habitually blame the man for everything: “He is henpecked, so her parents raised her, she is smarter, so let her be happy” ... And not a word about the fact that this is a direct sign of family tyranny. After all, a woman is a priori a victim, she got a kind of weak-willed type and she is forced to suffer with him.
No, no and NO! Family tyrants are both female and male. And about the same proportion. It's just that men rarely bring such a problem up for discussion. The reason is simple. I'd rather suffer in silence than lose my manhood. But women, without embarrassment, adjust any remark that makes them displeased with the now fashionable definition of “husband is a tyrant”.
Therefore, having determined that family tyrants are of both sexes, let's look at the boundaries that separate justified criticism or forcing a partner to certain actions from real family tyranny.
If, after starting life together, you hear hints from your partner or direct indications that you spend a lot of time talking with friends or meeting friends. If you are required to devote more time to your partner, family, household chores, and not the usual lonely activities, this is not a reason to accuse your husband or wife of tyranny and domestic violence. This is an occasion to think, first of all, about your own role in the family. About own compliance with the position family man which you voluntarily accepted. Family life inevitably entails a change in the habitual style of behavior and way of life for singles. If the partner begins, as a result of the inability to communicate, to make claims about the need to reduce spending on favorite hobby, meaningless purchases "by mood" or the constant support of relatives - this is not yet tyranny, this is a signal that it is time for the husband and wife to agree on family budget and how to use it.
But often these manifestations are ranked among the most striking manifestations of family tyranny. Does he/she restrict me? The verdict is unequivocal - this is a tyrant husband or a tyrant wife and a vixen.
In these cases we are talking only that the partners failed to hear each other, could not agree on the rules family life. And you should just try to negotiate on your own, or resort to the help of a family psychologist. We need to learn to adapt to each other and save the family, and not throw clichéd accusations of tyranny.
Now let's move on to the signs of a family tyrant.
As a rule, the family tyrant carefully monitors his appearance. He / she is sincerely convinced that they have an absolutely justified high self-esteem, which in fact is maximally underestimated. The tyrant always and in everything considers himself right, absolutely does not tolerate objections, believes that he is the best versed in all life conflicts: what to wear, what to listen to, what to buy, with whom to communicate, how to behave, etc. And in this conviction of his own superiority, the tyrant does not, under any circumstances, lend himself to the arguments of his partner. Other people's logical arguments are always absurd for him. There is only one correct opinion - his own. And it will be ideal if his worldview is accepted not only by relatives, but by the whole world. And then there are half-witted people who do not want to listen to the opinion of such an exceptional intellectual and esthete.
As a rule, such behavior is based on an inferiority complex that gnaws at a tyrant from a young or even childhood, a feeling of constant underestimation. At the same time, it does not matter at all that such a person makes absolutely no effort to prove his claims to such an exclusive position in society. In the sincere conviction of the tyrant, he proved the indisputable self-importance and the correctness of his opinion on any subject by the mere fact of his own existence.
Another reason for the formation of a family tyrant often lies in the feeling of superiority over others, instilled in the child from childhood, combined with the lack of requirements for the child's self-realization. He is simply the best. And those who disagree with this are stupid people, as they will certainly see in the future. However future life easily refutes such an attitude towards his beloved. Dissatisfaction and resentment grow and multiply. It is such a creature in family life that is instantly reborn into a tyrant.
But it should be noted that with a pretense of superiority, this person is weak. The tyrant is afraid to show the slightest weakness in relations with others and covers it up with aggression towards others. But in the event of a tough rebuff, he instantly surrenders his position and is looking for a more accommodating victim. That is, tyranny is a subconscious compensation for one's own weakness through aggression and pressure. As stated above, this is psychological complex, which arose as a result of a traumatic past and has a negative continuation in the present.
The next undeniable signs of a family tyrant are rare encouragement to a partner against the backdrop of constant nit-picking and claims. This is a generous recognition of a partner's insignificant success, as a rule, greatly belittled compared to real result. Demonstrative gifts “for doing as they were recommended”, an extraordinary night of love, etc…
It should also be noted the constant unreasonable criticism of people close to you. At the beginning of friends and girlfriends who are accused of stupidity, vulgarity, bad taste, envy, alcoholism and other sins. The conclusion of the tyrant: "They are not worthy to be near you, and even more so next to me." The result is the loss of your friends.
Then similar attacks on your relatives begin: “Your parents hate me, your brother and sister want to divorce us, they want to destroy our happiness, any contact with them is evil.” The result is cooling or complete cessation relationships with loved ones.
In such manipulations, family tyrants are real masters. And if you are experiencing constant feeling that you are being manipulated is a reason to be wary.
Unnoticed, the tyrant's victim is left alone with him, without anyone's support. And then the tyrant begins to destroy the psyche of the victim, constantly inspires the partner with thoughts about his inferiority, inability to live without the care of the tyrant, about the uselessness of the victim to anyone but him.
Physical violence is often added to such manifestations of domestic tyranny. This allows the tyrant to maximally compensate for his own complexes and completely suppress the resistance of the victim. Yes, in physical violence male tyrants are in the first place, but in my practice there were also cases of regular violence by women.
The finale is the transformation of the tyrant's victim into a downtrodden, unfortunate person who meekly endures all accusations, insults, beatings and at the same time sincerely considers himself to be guilty of the current family life.
I want to say right away that it is impossible to change a tyrant! He will always seek and find the next victim. For a tyrant, humiliation of others is a vital necessity.
The only way out of this situation is divorce. And the faster the better.
But, before making such a cardinal decision, I still advise you to think a little and analyze your relationship. Understand if your partner is really a domestic tyrant, or is this label pasted hastily and there is an opportunity to fix everything? Assess correctly for yourself similar situation extremely difficult, so feel free to consult with family psychologist. Just not homegrown, like a girlfriend in the kitchen or a neighbor in the garage. It is very easy to destroy a family, but try to save it, revive it. past feelings and make each other happy - a difficult but necessary step!
Remember the energetic and strong-willed Margarita Pavlovna from the film "Pokrovsky Gates", who said about her quiet and intelligent husband Lev Evgenievich Khobotov: "This is my cross!"
Margarita Pavlovna carried her cross not without pleasure and did not want to give it up to anyone. But as you remember, you still had to give in. When a young modest nurse Luda loomed on the horizon, Khobotov, tired of the tyranny of his wife, realized that this was his chance!
So the leader wife lost her henpecked husband. Scenario for family relations of this kind, according to Ivan Fenin, is quite typical. He believes that in his development such a union goes through several stages.
At dawn family relations(20-30 years old) everything suits everyone. The husband-son finds a second mother in his wife and willingly gives her the reins of government. But at the second stage (30-40 years), conflicts begin in the family, since by this time the husband has time to “grow up”, and his attitude to the world begins to change (this is also facilitated by professional growth, and having children). By the third stage (40-50 years), accumulated over long years resentment is getting worse male pride, and the desire to be the master of your own life is becoming stronger. The growing determination to start a new life, however, is no longer expressed in conflicts and bickering. The husband outwardly begins to react more calmly to his wife's attempts to manage his life. The situation is resolved by the fact that one "perfect" day he simply announces his departure. A henpecked husband with experience leaves for another, as it seems to him, softer and weak woman with which he can finally feel like a real man and head of the family.
The abandoned tyrant is left alone with the collapsed world, in which there is no one else to manage. This turns out to be a difficult test for her, and often disappointment in marriage develops into disappointment with the whole world and her own life.
As for the fugitive, then in blindness new life, he just does not have time to notice that he instinctively chose the same type of woman as his ex-wife. The bitter truth will not be revealed immediately ...
Further events may develop in different ways: the husband may return to his first wife or repeat the same scenario in new family… But in any case, until internal changes, he will build the same relationship scenario.
This begs the question: are all families in which roles are distributed in this way doomed to death?
We are sure that if forte(in this case, the spouse) will be able to show flexibility, the union can be durable.
Here are the rules a leader wife should follow:
1. Let your husband feel irreplaceable. For example, show your helplessness in something, confusion, ask for help and support. And let at first it will cause mistrust. The desire to look strong will eventually prevail.
2. Allow yourself to relax a little sometimes. Let's say, for a day (or for an hour), take off "responsibility for everything", allow yourself to be soft and gentle.
3. Get rid of parental stereotypes and inner voice, much like Mom's, who demands to "always be strong and firm and in control." Allow yourself to independently manage the family ship and maneuver among the waves of the sea of \u200b\u200blife.
In a word, to show flexibility and give the opportunity to get out the “couple” of internal discontent that accumulates in the soul of the spouse, even though he voluntarily assumed the role of henpecked.
These small concessions will help strengthen relationships and save the family from collapse.
(According to AiF. Health. No. 48, 2010)
When people hear about tyranny in the family, they most often imagine the role of a tyrant as a man who keeps his loved ones in a tight rein and does not let them take a step without his knowledge. But few people think about the fact that women's tyranny also exists, and usually it takes more complex forms than men's.
What behavior primarily characterizes a tyrant woman? Most often it is constant scandals and tantrums over trifles. A tyrant woman will be happy only when everything happens exactly the way she wants. Any, even the most insignificant deviation from her vision will always be accompanied by tears, screams and swearing. In solving some everyday problems, the only opinion that a tyrant woman takes into account is her own.
At the same time, she cannot allow the thought that someone other than her will cope much better with the problem that has arisen, she constantly makes attempts to figure everything out on her own. In addition, she firmly believes that she is always right. A tyrant woman knows better than anyone what is right and what is not, what is bad and what is good, with whom her partner should communicate, and who should be avoided, and so on.
Even if a partner gives serious arguments in defense of her own views and interests, a woman always finds counterarguments, and if there are none, she starts screaming and scandalizing until her opinion is perceived as truly true.
Rare tokens. In relationships with loved ones, a tyrant woman is usually closed and cold. She rarely praises her partner and even less often presents him with gifts, not wanting anything in return.
Constant manipulation and unfounded criticism. Most often, a tyrant woman seeks not only to show her superiority, but also to humiliate her partner. All her actions are aimed at proving the helplessness of the person who is next to her.
The problem of tyranny lies in the fact that such a model of behavior is laid down in the character of a person even in deep childhood. A child can observe the relationship of parents day by day, and then, as an adult, begin to transfer them to his own life. Also, tyranny can develop when parents from an early age instilled in the child a sense of superiority over others, but did not explain what exactly this superiority is.
A tyrant woman most often has a weak character and low self-esteem. Next to a strong man, such a woman will not last even a few months, because the most important thing for her is to break the will of her partner and make him feel lost and helpless. When does such a woman realize that there is strong man, she simply leaves him in search of a weaker "victim".
Many men, falling under the influence of a tyrant woman, do not take any action, preferring to endure all the blows of fate with silent dignity. But this behavior is fundamentally wrong. If a man is sure that the woman next to him really has all the signs of tyranny, then the only right decision there will be a break in relations, because it is impossible to change or remake a tyrant.
