Conflicts with friends - how to maintain friendship. How to keep friendships for years to come

Contrary to popular stereotype, the main obstacle to female friendship is not men at all. Times when due nice guy wanted to sacrifice everything, remained in early youth. The main difficulties between friends arise because of the "three D": business, money and children. It is not easy to maintain warm friendly relations if both live in constant time pressure. It is not easier when one becomes pregnant, and the second lives for her own pleasure and does not think about motherhood. Does not promote rapprochement a big difference in income. How can friendship overcome life circumstances?

Remember the past

“Relationships can be compared to a home flower in a pot - they also require care, otherwise they will wither and wither, only a herbarium of memories will remain,” says existential psychologist Irina Shelyshey. Continuing this metaphor, we can say that the common past is a kind of fertilizer. The past will always feed mutual affection in the present, if sometimes we recall in detail what we experienced together. Such an experience will allow you to let in energy into today's relationships that was once “canned”. These stories also help bring back to the "here and now" the feeling of mutual gratitude experienced by both "there and then." As a result, we again understand why we need friendship and how much pleasure it has brought to our lives.

Keep in touch

« Pledge good relations- something in common: a school background, raising children of the same age or working in one area, ”continues Irina Shelyshey. If interests do not overlap, support close connection it'll be hard. But it's still possible if you both want to be closer. You can offer: to a friend: “Listen, we were friends for such a close and long time, and now we meet less and less. So sorry to lose what was! If you feel the same way, let's make a rule: every last Friday of the month we will meet so as not to lose each other.

Conflict

“Unlike men, it is more difficult for us to refuse something to our girlfriends, since the level of empathy is higher and the desire to sacrifice something for the sake of another is also,” says psychoanalyst Yevgenia Gaiduchenko. But the basis of mature friendship is mature selfishness. Anything that causes too much inconvenience can be avoided. Proximity requires compromises, but you should not go for them to the detriment of yourself. The result of sacrifice is cumulative aggression, which sooner or later will break out and destroy the relationship.

That is why it is so important to learn how to express dissatisfaction. If you do not discuss problems, they will grow like a snowball. “To maintain trust, you need to get into the habit of expressing mutual claims,” says Marina Travkova, a family systems therapist. At the same time, it is important to remember that some conflicts can and even should be avoided. If yesterday a friend talked for two hours about what a scoundrel her husband is, and today she claims that they have reconciled and that she adores him, think about whether it is worth pointing out inconsistencies in her words right now? Sometimes it is useful to just listen - this will also give the psychological effect of support and assistance.

Invest

Relationships with a girlfriend should be preserved in the same way as all valuable connections: see their importance and continue to invest in them. “Such closeness is wealth, but, of course, not material,” explains family systemic therapist Maria Shumikhina. “Like relatives, friends make up our inner circle. In order not to lose this wealth, but, on the contrary, to increase it, two conditions must be met. First, friendship is based on the similarity of internal values. And both parties must be aware of the importance of the connection, openly acknowledge it and not allow devaluation. What does it look like in practice? Do not be afraid to once again say how much you value your relationship. Feel free to confess your feelings to your friend. The contribution can be care, support, time spent together, small gifts no reason, exchange of information. Don't fall for the common misconception: "A friend in need is a friend." For the strength of the union, it is important to share both joyful and neutral moments of life.

Keep your distance

Surprisingly, communication requires distance. “There must be free space (“I am without you”), and a feeling of closeness (“you are near”), says Marina Travkova. From this point of view, conflicts in friendship can be conditionally divided into two types: excessive distance and strong rapprochement. In the first case, you can worry that a friend has distanced herself too much, she has neither time nor energy for us. In the second, on the contrary, it seems that a friend has come too close, “sticks” our time, requires more attention than we are able to give. There are usually only two ways out of such situations: a gap or a joint search for the optimal distance. It's not easy, but mutual trust and emotional intimacy usually develop in the process. This happens because without trust it is impossible to discuss painful moments, and the joint fight against problems really unites.

Change roles

Life's troubles sometimes place girlfriends in the famous Karpman-Bern triangle: they become a "victim", "rescuer" and "pursuer", running in circles. Today, for example, you act as an aggressor, blaming your girlfriend for not wanting to go to a party with you or for not being able to refuse a despotic boyfriend. And tomorrow you can switch roles: and the one that was the “victim” becomes the “rescuer”. healthy relationships- those when no one gets stuck in a role, you freely move from one to another. If you feel that you are frozen in a certain position, that you are “saving” your friend from something or someone all the time, this is a reason to be wary. This means that the relationship is no longer balanced.

adapt

“Some connections lose their relevance when reciprocity goes away,” says Elena Mzhelskaya, a psychologist and relationship expert. Symmetry, that is, the equivalence of the contribution of both parties to the relationship, is not some kind of stable, once and for all definite factor. Girls grow up, life situations change. Therefore, like any living organism, friendship must adapt to new conditions. Difficulties begin when you are not ready to change your relationship, taking into account the changed circumstances, but you are also not ready to stop communicating.

For example, with the advent of a man, we begin to trust all the secrets and secrets to him, and not to a girlfriend. “Interestingly, relations with a partner also do not benefit from this. We are overwhelmed with expectations, an excessive desire to receive everything from one person, ”explains Elena Mzhelskaya. By abandoning our girlfriends, we voluntarily isolate ourselves by replacing family life all the diversity of the environment.

In such a situation, the realization that this is only a certain stage through which almost all women go through will help to maintain friendship. “Some continue to live in isolation, but most understand that in some sense, on their own initiative, they have deprived themselves of something important and are re-establishing ties with their friends,” the psychologist continues. Sometimes it's worth just waiting it out: over time, when both sides get used to the new circumstances, the balance can be restored.

TEXT: Ekaterina Moiseeva

Most people will agree that friendship requires work on it, and the work of two people. This article will talk about how to remain best friends no matter what.

Friendship is trust

Relationships of friends should always be built on complete trust. When trust is lost, friendship ends. So there is no need to doubt the sincerity of your friend, much less accuse him of cheating. Even if you are one hundred percent sure that you were told a lie, you need to look for an opportunity to justify him. Here, of course, there are exceptions, you can never forgive a lie told from selfish motives.

Do not criticize friends or their environment

It is believed that only a true friend can tell the truth in person, because if not him, then no one will do it. However, from friends we always expect just not criticism, but support. Therefore, you do not need to directly express to your friend everything that you think. It would be much better to just give him a hint to push him to action.

Naturally, you should refrain from insulting your friend's close people. Believe me, he himself knows what problems he has with them.

Don't give in to jealousy

For some reason, it is traditionally believed that only love partners are jealous. Meanwhile, the jealousy of friends can lead to no less dramatic consequences. This situation occurs when one of the friends is psychologically dependent on the other. This manifests itself in quarrels, in long-term grievances, in attempts to quarrel a friend with his entourage.

Don't demand what you can't give

Strive to reach a compromise

Of course, being friends with a person who agrees with you on everything is easy and convenient. But you need to understand that your friend also has an opinion on a particular topic. Friendship is a compromise, and for people who can easily find compromise solutions, friendship usually lasts a long time.

“Do not have a hundred rubles, but have a hundred friends,” says one of the proverbs. Of course, for one person a hundred friends is too much, but a couple of comrades for full life everyone needs to have. However, it is not enough to make friends. It is important to be able to maintain a relationship with them. It requires considerable strength, and above all desire.

Having left to the mercy of fate a relationship with a person who is proudly called his friend, you can later find that the friendship has come to naught. People are no longer interested in being in each other's company. To prevent this from happening, each of the friends (if we are talking about big company) should try to maintain relationships, not letting them take their course.

How to keep friendship?

There are several simple ways how to easily maintain relationships with friends at the proper level:

General interest

People later become friends just because they have one general interest for everyone. It can be a love of sports, music or general view for life. In order for relations with friends to always be the same as it was at the beginning of the birth of friendship, it is necessary to try to always have something that will unite people.

As people age, tastes change drastically. What was relevant to him before is now of no value. The same thing can happen with a shared hobby. If your best friends have changed their preferences in music, or one of them is now more interested in hockey instead of football, do not despair. It's not over yet. By finding a new point of contact, it will be possible to improve relationships, not noticeable, both for yourself and for your friend or girlfriend.

Willingness to help

A good friend is one who is always ready to help. Having no desire to help a friend in a difficult period in his life, after a while you can lose this person forever - communication will come to naught.

Naturally, not every person can break loose at any time of the day or night and rush to the other end of the city in order to provide close person any help. This can be hindered by banal employment. Friends understand this, and try not to disturb the person once again. But when he is completely free from work and other affairs (for example, on a day off), and his comrades need help, refusal to provide it will be considered as disrespect.

Friends are not free psychological help

Often, when meetings of friends end with complaints about life to each other. The impetus for this may be too a large number of drunk alcohol, or a really difficult situation in the lives of people that none of them can cope with alone. However, you should not turn meetings into constant complaints friend on how hard life is. Sooner or later, he might get tired of it. The comrade will think that his friend is an egoist who is not at all interested in how he is doing. Because of this, relations between comrades deteriorate, and after a while, communication may stop forever.

To avoid this, you need to control your desire to complain to a friend about problems in your personal life. Moreover, each person always has enough of them. And if he does not say anything about it, it does not mean that he does not have any problems at all.

Do not borrow from friends

Having borrowed money from a friend, a person is often in no hurry to give back the amount borrowed for a while. A friend, in turn, is embarrassed to ask to return the promised back. This can go on for a long time, because of which, in fact, friendship can come to naught. Such a development of events is also possible, when one of the friends constantly borrows from the second large sums, and the latter will begin to get bored, since it will be simply embarrassing to refuse him.

To remain good friends, you need to see each other as often as possible.

Many friends later become just good acquaintances. The reason for the deterioration of relationships between people is the lack of frequent contact. As a rule, this often happens if one of the friends moves to a permanent place of residence in another city. Of course, there are exceptions - friends continue to communicate, not paying attention to the fact that they are now separated not by one district in the city, but by a distance of more than a thousand kilometers.

Cases are known when Good friends stop communicating even if one of them did not move to another city, but remained to live in the same place. It's just that people no longer have enough time for frequent meetings. The reason for this can be a huge amount of work, family, as well as other employment, which subsequently adversely affects the relationship of people who were previously for each other as a brother or sister.

In order to avoid such a development of events in the future, it is necessary to meet with your friends as often as possible. How older man becomes, the less time he has left for any entertainment. After all, now for him in the first place is the family. In order to successfully combine communication with friends without ruining relations with the other half, you need to introduce your friends to her. All friends need to do this.

Thanks to this, it will be possible to arrange further "gatherings" somewhere outside the city, for example, in the country, where all friends can come along with their loved ones. When the other half knows the friends of their spouse or spouse, making friends with families becomes much easier.

What to do if the friendship has gone to "no"?

Noticing the cold on the part of your friend, you must try to find out what is the reason for this. It is possible that a person simply grew out of this friendship, but does not dare to say this already. ex friend, which can be said to plunge into a real shock. After all, he tried his best to maintain a relationship.

Psychologists have proved the fact that a person can “grow” out of his hobby, out of his life position, as well as out of his social circle of friends. This is influenced not only by age, but also by the troubles in life that a person happened to get into. Of course, it will be unpleasant for a friend to realize this. But it is best to tell him about everything directly and openly.

You should not hide from a person, because he has ceased to be interesting. Leaving without further ado is the destiny of weak people.

How to find new friends?

If, despite all efforts, communication with people whom a person considered dear to his heart has come to naught, you should try to find for yourself new company. The older a person gets, the harder it is to do this. Usually the most strong friendship starts up in student years. Friends at the university, even after graduation, continue to be for a person, perhaps the most important people in life, not counting, of course, parents and partner.

ABOUT female friendship there are many myths, many claim that it is impossible, which insanely amuses those women who managed to save friendly relations for many years.

Often still have to part with close friends on different reasons, but with age, every woman understands how important it is to have a kind and devoted friend who will always be able to support, and makes more efforts to maintain friendship. How to maintain friendly relations and not lose touch with a friend who has become very dear to you?

Other people are to blame

When you meet a new person, you learn about his hobbies, interests, lifestyle, you get carried away with him to such an extent that it seems that there is simply no time for other things. With a friend you ready to meet every day, because you urgently need to tell each other something important, solve a difficult problem together, or just discuss the next episode of your favorite series or new collection clothes from a fashion magazine.

Over time, interest cools down a bit, you get used to each other and understand that there are many people around who also need your attention. Friendship has not disappeared, no, it's just that the relationship has become stable and if you survive this period, your friendship will become much stronger. Very often everything changes when in the life of a friend appears a loved one. Increasingly, she may refuse appointments, as she has a date scheduled or they are leaving together for the weekend to her parents.

No need to be offended and jealous, such feelings can only spoil everything. You just need to try to understand your friend and take her place.

If you had a friend, you would also like to spend a lot of time with him. In order to maintain a relationship with a friend, you can offer to meet the three of you in a cafe or go to the movies. So you can become a friend and boyfriend of your girlfriend and sometimes spend time together.

In no case don't push your girlfriend, take up music, needlework, or start, like her, to communicate with other people.

Your interests

What to do in case if your life started to change Are you finding it hard to find time for your best friend?

• You should not waste time thinking, you need to urgently meet and talk with her until she is offended enough to stop talking to you altogether.
• Don't get lost and admit that you really appreciate her, but unfortunately, because of a boyfriend or new hobbies, you can't meet her like before.
• Promise each other that you will have a special day when you will have a bachelorette party and will be able to communicate without time limits.

If your study was the reason for the lack of time foreign languages, find a free evening for a date with best friend. If you have a boyfriend, finding time is not only possible, but necessary. Even in the early stages of a relationship, it's good to spend time apart sometimes to get new emotions and connect with other people.

Resentment. Can betrayal be forgiven?

You told your girlfriend about everything in the world, shared your feelings and fears, and then one day, either from evil, or without thinking, in order to keep up the conversation or stand out from the crowd, your girlfriend told your friends about your weaknesses or about a situation that was humiliating for you. It also happens that because of envy or as a result of cunningly woven intrigues, your girlfriend betrays you and hurts you very much. Can betrayal be forgiven?

It is necessary to figure out everything - whether there really was a direct intent or an act was committed out of stupidity.

Required talk to a friend to find out everything once and for all and not to suffer later from the thought that you did nothing to save your friendship. Looking into the eyes of a loved one, you will understand everything. If it so happened that the relationship can no longer be returned and the girlfriend betrayed you, you do not need to accumulate hatred in yourself, otherwise it will destroy you and you will no longer be able to trust good people.

Don't look for excuses for your friend, it was her choice, because the only thing left for you is to accept and continue to live on, communicating with other people. Also, you should not blame yourself, you are not to blame for anything, things often happen in life regardless of our will, you just need to accept everything as it is.

Friend's insult. Reconciliation or end of friendship?

If you turned out to be a traitor and offender, no matter how scary it was, you need to talk and explain your behavior. Of course, most likely you will not earn forgiveness right away, but you must repent, otherwise the relationship cannot be saved. Think about what a friend would like to hear from you or what you can do for her in order to somehow mitigate your guilt.

If you said nasty things about her, you are obliged to restore her reputation, if in the heat of a quarrel you said a lot of superfluous things, give it as a sign of reconciliation big box sweets and invite to the cinema for your favorite movie. For the sake of friendship, sometimes it is worth stepping over pride, always try to put yourself in the place of a friend and understand which caused her resentment.

girlfriend envy

At the beginning of the development of your friendship, you might not notice that your friend dresses better than you, that she has better phone, and parents can afford to send their daughter not to Sochi, but to Italy for the holidays. However, over time, your different financial situation may make itself felt. In the end, you may even envy the fact that your girlfriend is more successful in school or at work, that she has a great relationship with her lover, who reminds you of such a dream guy.

Envy is a bad feeling and it is only in your power to change everything.

Most likely you suffer from an inferiority complex, you are simply not satisfied with your personal life or that you can't afford the same handbag as your friend. P try to be like your girlfriend:

• Her grades have improved - pull up your studies and you, the boss has promoted a friend in the position - try to work more efficiently and productively.
• If you really want a beautiful handbag - save money, earn it or borrow it, but never let envy ruin your relationship with your loved one.
• If you are the object of envy, do everything so that your girlfriend does not feel like a loser next to you. Come up with one activity for two that can bring you closer.

The guy is a bone of contention

It is impossible to allow a guy to stand between girlfriends, but it happens that you and your girlfriend really really like the same boy and rivalry spoils your relationship. In this case, it is important not to do anything that could humiliate your girlfriend in the eyes of the chosen one. You must understand that your sincere friendship much higher than the competition and therefore if you see that a guy likes your girlfriend, just step aside and do not interfere with the development of their relationship.

If everything is exactly the opposite, and you notice that your romance hurts your girlfriend, think about whether your lover is really so dear to you that you are ready to sacrifice friendship for him. If you're in love, be honest with your friend. Perhaps after this conversation there will be a pause in your relationship, but if between you real friendship, you will never lose it.

You and your friend are different people

All people differ from each other - some in character, some in hobbies, some in worldview. A friend is a person with whom you have much in common, you spend a lot of time together and it often happens that your opinions about people or things completely coincide. However, everything changes, so shouldn't be surprised that over time you will be more and more surprised at the changes in the character and behavior of your friend.

Change is a completely ordinary thing, people are changed by the environment, events, goals.

Accept that your friend has changed and do not try to hold her back in her endeavors and the implementation of new plans. In addition, you are changing, it’s just that for you it’s not as noticeable as for those around you. It is not known how the changes that have occurred may affect your relationship, but different views is not yet a reason to stop being friends, because sometimes it is so interesting to listen to the opposite point of view, especially since it helps to look at the situation differently and quickly find the right solution.

If your paths with your girlfriend diverge, remember that two different paths sometimes lead to the same road, and if you are non-random people for each other, your friendship will be preserved.

It is important for both adults and children to have friends. It is friends who most often give us the most precious memories. Close friendships can develop into romantic and even working relationships. However, very often, lack of time and various circumstances prevent friends from spending time together.

Keep in touch

We are all busy with something. We spend a lot of time at work, doing household chores or taking care of our families. According to statistics, one in three working people do not have enough time for all household chores. Responsibilities pile up on us and each of them seems insanely important. At the same time, thanks to the Internet, it has become much easier for people to communicate. You can easily write to friends on Twitter or Facebook in between times, checking your mail at work. It takes very little time, but at the same time it helps you keep in touch with friends who are far away from you and with whom you do not have the opportunity to see each other often.

Meet your friends

Internet chatting is just one part of friendly communication. Even if a person is very busy, he still finds time for those who are important to him. Always try to see your friends as regularly as possible. Some prefer to get together as a group, for example, every week or every month. Not all friends manage to see each other so often, but even rare personal meetings will help you strengthen relationships.

Prioritize

To make time for friends, you need to properly prioritize and put friendship above other aspects of life. Studies show that long-term friendship makes a person happier and longer life, as well as reduces stress levels and helps to solve problems better. To keep relationships with friends, you, in turn, need to show how important they are to you.

Give gifts

Even small gifts or favors will help strengthen your friendship. The good you have done will come back to you like a boomerang. Gifts or favors will help you connect with your friends more often and also serve as a kind of test. If you have already given your friend 10 gifts, but have never received anything from him in return, you should reconsider your friendship.

Handle conflicts carefully

Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, including friendships. Even between the closest friends, conflict can arise. Conflict situations should by no means be ignored. Try to solve them as honestly and without fanfare as possible. Don't forget that one mistake can turn you from friend to foe.

Introduce friends to other people close to you

Never hide your friends from people close to you. They have a special place in your life that your friends can claim. If you introduce your friends to other people close to you, you can find a balance in the relationship and you won't have to choose between them.

Agree with your friends (at least occasionally)

Even if your friend is constantly wrong, still try to find something in common with him, because this is extremely important. Don't turn into that person who constantly finds fault with everyone. Although you are not forbidden to express your opinion, but constantly asserting that you are right, you can destroy the friendship.

Moderate your anger

Anger is one of the most frequently expressed emotions in communication between friends. Some situations can be very difficult to respond without anger. But even if you are angry with your friend, try to contain your anger. This is especially necessary for you if your friends cannot stand aggressive people, as they can easily cut you out of their lives.

Don't be too critical

Your friends make mistakes and may even want to be pointed out to them. At the same time, this does not mean that you need to hurt their feelings. If you do criticize your friends, try to be as gentle as possible. Follow the golden rule and refrain from hurtful words.

Be careful with your friend's family

Family will always be a touchy subject in the relationship of friends. A person will always criticize his family, but if his friends start doing the same, he will immediately become defensive. Pay attention to how your friends talk about their family. When your friend talks about his family, the wisest thing to do is to just sit silently and nod your head.

Not every friendship will last many years. Get ready to rethink your relationship with your friends by following the above tips and cut them out of your life. toxic people. A long and strong friendship, in turn, will give you a feeling of comfort and happiness. If you show your willingness to take care of your friends, the right people will only be happy to stay in your life and fill it with joy.