After a strong love, I can not fall in love. Why can't I fall in love

Question to the psychologist:

I can't fall in love!

It may sound very stupid and strange, but I just can’t fall in love no matter how hard I try. I begin to think that a man will not give me freedom and will fully calculate my every step. From the outside it is fear, but I do not know how to deal with it. I understand intellectually that this is wrong, but I can’t explain it to my emotions. I never had a serious relationship, what can I say, I never kissed, and I didn’t go on dates. The problem is when I have a man next to me panic fear, but it does not last long if I notice that he is not interested in me (in terms of being a girl), then I can calmly speak to him in different topics and enjoy the conversation. But when they begin to show me signs of attention, compliments, I am red as a tomato and I begin to be ashamed of everything in the world and I become extremely uncomfortable. At such moments, I look like a fish that has forgotten how to talk properly. I really want to control myself and my emotions, but as others notice, I can’t do it, you can say everything I think about is written on my face.

As for the family, I understand that all problems are deep in childhood. So my father is extremely strict, he always said what I was doing wrong, sometimes we can quarrel with him because of some nonsense. My dad himself is very quick-tempered in terms of emotions and sometimes it hurts me. Yes, and the quarrels of my parents were constantly in front of me, I'm starting to think that this is the norm of relations, where swearing and hassle are constant.

The main problem for me is that I am shy and very often think about what others will think of me. And maybe I have low self-esteem.

There was only one relationship with a guy that lasted a year, there was only correspondence, I talked with him and I was pleased. Relations Vsmysle friendly, he wanted more, but I did not let, there was only communication. But then everything abruptly stopped.

I don’t have much experience with relationships, I want to know what do you think about it? Tell me please!

The psychologist answers the question.

Hello Arina!

In order to want something, you need to know what it is. So what do you mean by love?

Why am I asking this? Because it is impossible to “try” to force yourself to experience something that does not depend on your mind, but only on feelings. Do you think this is a happy feeling? What does a person in love look like (eyes, facial expressions, actions, words, intonations)? You, Arina, independently analyzed the reason for distrust of male representatives through relationships in your family. This understanding is already half the problem. What to do? Change your response to your father's outbursts and criticisms. Then you will feel confident in your abilities and understand that we are treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. It is necessary to talk about what you do not like without aggression. You are an individual and have a right to respect. This must be learned. And of course, you need to work with self-esteem. How realistic is your low self-esteem? Distinguish the words and opinions of other people about you from the objective achievements that you always need to keep in mind about yourself. You probably have something to respect yourself for, and it is from this self-respect that you need to build on.

There are words (settings) in your letter that may prevent a more direct expression of feelings: 1. “a man will not give me freedom and will completely calculate my every step” - all men are different, do not choose the one who will not trust you.

2. “I really want to control myself and my emotions, but as others notice, I can’t do it, you can say everything I think is written on my face” - why do you need to learn hypocrisy? The more you control emotions, the more inadequate they will begin to break through, up to a violation of health. Do you need it? Be yourself Arina. Over time, your self-confidence will be strengthened and excessive constraint will pass. Set goals, study, and your self-esteem will increase. After all, you will rely on real successes, and not on the opinion of people who are hardly friendly, if after communicating with them you feel uncomfortable.

3. "I am shy and often think about what others think of me." - so that others do not think about any of us, this thought is so fleeting that it is not worth your attention Arina! For example, can you remember what you thought yesterday about the person you saw in the morning? After all, we constantly evaluate others, their words, etc., but people are so absorbed in their own affairs that their opinion should not worry you so much as to poison your life!

The habit of controlling yourself constantly needs to be “diluted” with the ability to relax Arina! Learn to relax. Enjoy bodily comfort (for some, it's swimming, the beach, music, sports, etc.) Trust your desires. Think right now: “What do I want?” If you can get it right now, then do it! If not, then think about what needs to be done for this. Desires can be momentary, short-term and long-term. You can learn to trust yourself by first doing the most simple wishes. I am sure that you will learn to trust yourself, and therefore men. Love lives where there is trust!

Some people wonder why I can't fall in love when others do it easily. Of course, this is very disappointing, so you need to figure out the reasons, perhaps then you will be able to fulfill your dream and experience all the delights of falling in love.

It would seem that many people suffer from love, and some simply cannot fall in love. However, this situation cannot be called extraordinary, since not millions, but thousands of people face this phenomenon. However, it is not worth thinking that not everything is in order with your head, you just need to understand yourself. After all, it often happens that a person subconsciously does not want this, because he is afraid of love.

High mark

Often, those who constantly ask why I can’t fall in love simply appreciate themselves. For this reason, it is very difficult for a person to find a mate. It is important to remember that people do not fall in love for certain qualities, it happens spontaneously. But if you constantly evaluate other people and look for flaws in them, then it will be very difficult to find your own. After all, every person has imperfections, but, as a rule, lovers do not notice them. For this reason, the expression "love is blind" appeared. In this case, there is a way out, you just need to stop evaluating others and criticizing them. You should also find in them positive traits, and not only negative ones, then, perhaps, it will be possible to fall in love soon.

Fear

Some say I can't fall in love. However, they themselves are to blame for their own problem, and often fear prevents them from doing this. As a rule, they cannot do this because they former relationship didn’t add up very well, so they are afraid to start new ones. In this situation, it is important to overcome your fear and put aside your previous experience, otherwise you can be left alone. If the pain from past relationships does not want to go away, you should contact a psychologist for help. However, not everyone has the time and money to go to him. One exercise can help here. To do this, pick up a pen and a piece of paper, which must be divided into 2 parts. In the first one, you will need to write that the relationship was positive, and in the second - the negative. Do not be shy, you need to pour out all the anger on paper. After that, you should look at the situation from the other side. So, perhaps, it will be possible to find a lot of good in past love, that's what you need to remember. In addition, it should be remembered that all people are different, and if one person brought only pain to life, this does not mean that the rest will behave similarly. It is worth noting that this exercise will help to identify the mistakes that were made in communicating with the opposite sex. They must be taken into account and no longer committed, otherwise future relationships will not bring anything good.

Often fear prevents a person from falling in love again. After all, not all relationships end well. It is important to look at the situation from the other side, find your mistakes and subsequently try not to make them. You should also be open to new love, and not look at the opposite sex as an enemy.

Responsibility

Why can't you fall in love? Some people can't do it because they don't want to. Often they are simply afraid of the responsibility that will fall on their shoulders. After all, then you have to devote time to your loved one, meet him. And if he suddenly changes, then again he will have to experience the grief of loss. Not everyone can afford this, because they understand that love is not only flowers and dates under the moon. It also implies care, support, the ability to understand, forgive. And this is not given to everyone, so people on a subconscious level avoid love. It is important to realize that relationships involve responsibility. You need to learn to take it upon yourself, otherwise it will be impossible to connect your life with this or that person.

Bad example

Often people do not fall in love, because they simply do not want it on a subconscious level. And it's all fault bad example before your eyes. Indeed, often a person in love suffers, of course, seeing this, one does not want to be in his place. Perhaps the relative said that love brought him only suffering, or the parents are not perfect couple. In this case, it is important to understand that not everything goes smoothly in life, problems arise in it, they simply cannot be avoided. After that, you should accept the situation as it is and try to come to terms with reality. You should also live with your mind, gain your experience, even if it is negative. If you are afraid of love, then you can become a callous person who will not be capable of sincere feelings.

Lots of fans

When a girl or woman has many admirers, she often cannot fall in love. After all, everyone pays attention, gives flowers, gifts, invites to a restaurant, cinema, museums. Any representative of the fair sex will be confused, because it will be difficult for her to choose one. There may be several options for the development of events. The first involves waiting. So, you will be able to get to know the fans better and get to know them for real. Most likely, there will be one or two people with whom it will communicate well, and the rest will unpleasantly surprise and disappoint.

Love will come later

If a man for a long time cannot fall in love, then the point is not in him, but in the fact that he has not met someone who will win his heart. Here it is important to be able to wait and love will definitely come, you should not rush it. Also, you should not try to fall in love, or force yourself to marry someone who is not interested. After all, love may come soon after the wedding, and the bonds of marriage will not be so easily broken.

If love has not yet knocked on the door, you should wait a little longer. Do not rush things, as hasty decisions do not lead to anything good. It is best to develop as a person, that is, attend courses, museums, exhibitions, performances. Perhaps at one of the social events you will be able to meet your love.

Love comes into a person's life unexpectedly, and if it has not yet knocked on the heart, do not be upset, it will definitely happen. In the meantime, you can devote time to yourself, perhaps, having sorted out your feelings, you will be able to understand what prevents happiness.

Hello dear readers! In my psychological practice, there are often women and men who, literally from the threshold, declare their problem: “I can’t fall in love, what should I do?”. Some live. Others simply can't build relationships with a partner and reach "a different level." They spend long years in search of that one feeling and suffer greatly.

Today we will talk about this problem. We will try to understand the causes of the phenomenon, we will understand your attitude to this feeling and maybe we will find a way out of the situation.

mysterious feeling

Despite the fact that for thousands of years people have been falling in love, there is still no consensus on whether. Thousands of psychologists, philosophers and other scientists have tried to "dissect" this feeling, but there was no consensus, and no.

Society tends to idealize love, consider it the highest good, the purpose and meaning of existence. We are crammed with stories when one goes to all lengths for the sake of another person, collides with a real one.

No less often we are told about mercenary people who have been in peace and harmony for many decades. Is this really possible, or do they just have a different understanding of the meaning of the word "love"?

First of all, you should understand what this concept means to you. Even if you haven't fallen in love with anyone, do you have any idea how it should look like?

At the reception, one of the young people answered this question like this: “I want to meet a girl for whom I want to work, earn big money.” Can this be considered a real feeling or does he just need it? for what his nature prevents?

Try . Do you give other people a chance to prove themselves? What exactly do you want to feel? How realistic are your desires?

What is blocking your love

Undoubtedly, most often we ourselves unconsciously. We think: “Something is wrong with me”, but we expect something incredible from a partner or ourselves, complete change situations without much intervention.

Fluttering sharp desire to sell all your possessions in order to present at the feet of a loved one - these are mostly fairy tales. In life, people just meet, like each other outwardly, then want to communicate a little more than usual, do something together, learn about the advantages and disadvantages of a partner, and then get married or disperse.

It is rare that anyone talks about this, but when a girl, after the cherished one, takes time to think, she does not just torment her lover, but really weighs whether this feeling is real, whether such a future suits her, and so on.

If you have never loved possible cause this may be a reluctance to go on rapprochement with another person. Lack of trust in people of the opposite sex, fear of revealing the soul, unwillingness to change something in your life.

Ask yourself the question: “Why am I afraid (or do not want) to really love?”.

Start Small

Falling in love with a guy or a girl means giving yourself to another person. It's really scary. The unknown is always scary. Start small, prepare yourself for this feeling. Get a cat or dog. You will be for another being, you will become a little softer, more sensual.

Of course, you shouldn't force yourself. If you don’t want to get an animal, don’t like it, or they don’t seem cute, worthy of your tender feelings. Don't leave your problems to someone else again. Better to try other methods. If you have ever dreamed of a cat, or at least thought about buying one, then be sure to look at the ads. Maybe someone will take a look at you.

Well, one more piece of advice that I can give is a book Hellen Fisher "Why We Love". It contains a lot of materials about this feeling: whether it is controllable, what we are guided by - the heart or the mind, what men and women actually experience, and much more.

Wow! I never imagined that I would face such a problem: “How to fall in love with a guy?”. Now I will tell you about it in detail. I think you will understand me. I even hope, not just think. Why can't I love a guy?

I loved the guy. We broke up. Some time passed, and I realized that I urgently need to change something in my life, otherwise I'll just go crazy.

A year ago I read a book... The following was written in it: “ New love- exactly this the best medicine from the old one. I met a guy. I really liked him. Very! And so much so that I already thought that I was falling in love. But, alas….

He gave me cards, sweets, bouquets, gifts. So everything was great. We saw each other often. And called up - too. I started to get used to it. Yes, and he, as I understand it, managed to get used to me.

Once, on one of the gloomy autumn evenings, he came to me for a cup of tea. He brought roses, as always, and some pretty figurine. I don't remember which one. Because he gave me a lot of things.

That evening he confessed his love to me. I wasn't too surprised, because I felt "wrong". My silence filled the room. And probably the whole apartment. I didn't know what to say, how to respond. I didn’t want to, because I knew that with any answer I would hurt him. He is a very cool person. I feel good with him, comfortable, easy, but it turned out to be very little.

I tried to love him, honestly! I've used many ways to do this. And what? I do not like! I can’t inspire love in myself, because it would be completely unfair. And do not go to the fortune-teller! This is extreme. I will be misunderstood. My friends and girlfriends don't understand me anyway.

Here is what I hear from them:

1. Cyril: “You are crazy! He is best person in the world. Don't you see how cool he treats you? You hurt him and use him. Certainly! He earns a lot, gives you good gifts. And you seem to be just what you need."

2. Irina: “Girlfriend, give it to me if you don’t need it! I certainly would not have missed such a gentleman. And I would marry him! These do not roll on the road. What do you need, then? Do you dream of meeting an overseas prince? Watch your series less!

3. Marianna: “Does not drink, never smoked, earns excellent money .... What else do you need?! Can't you forget your fool? I'm sorry about your boyfriend. It's hard for him. And you and sweet Nothing afraid to tell him. You are cruel!"

4. Valentina: “Don't worry, honey. Endure - fall in love. You cannot command the heart, because it cannot play with love. When love is real.

See how I'm doing?- Do not know much. So bad that I don't know what to do with me. And I'm sorry that my friends can't understand me. Many don't even try. I did not write what the rest of them think, because their opinions are “decorated” with continuous obscene words, which I do not like at all. I don't scold myself.

P I remember one song... “You have a thousand and one pluses. You are not a scumbag, and not a coward at all. You are secure, reliable, handsome and well-groomed, and you keep a steady course. You have a thousand and one friends. You are the best Lifebuoy. And only one - the only minus .... I do not love you". Did you know? And when I heard this song, I realized how much it is about me and about me.

I cannot part with him, because I will hurt myself and him. We have been together for a long time. How he loves me! I just don't have words... Loves strongly. But I am sure for all the percentages of the world that I will not be able to reciprocate him. Apparently my heart is busy. And busy forever. I live wrong! I have no soul, since I'm torturing a guy like that. He confesses his love to me, and I just remain silent in response. He does not reproach me, but I understand what is happening to him inside ....

History Opinions:

1. Veronica: You need to break up! Why are you torturing the boy? You are ruining his life. The longer you're together, the worse it gets. Do you even realize that he will propose to you in marriage? If you refuse him, he will do something to himself. He had hopes...
2. Tamira: You can love him. Need time. I fell in love with my husband only after two years of marriage. I also thought that nothing would work, that my heart .... Petrified. But Ratmir managed to melt it. Tender words, flowers, gifts, attention….. I am happy with him. And you will be happy. I believe that you need to wait so that happiness is not missed. Wait so you don't miss out...
3. Svetlana: I'll write a book about your story, if you'll let me. I cried when I read. I feel sorry for him and you. Equally pitiful. You should talk about everything and decide something. If there were several lives, it would be easier. But she is the one and only, like the first love.
4. Faina: There is no such thing as "be patient - fall in love." Do not torture yourself if you understand that feelings will not come. Don't hurt if you know you love your ex young man. He will understand everything. And you will hurt him even more if you do not confess everything to him.
5. Hope: Are you out of pity with this guy? Can not be so! He's wasting his time on you. And you're wasting your time too. Take pity on each other! Don't destroy innocent lives.
6. Natalia: Have you thought about the future? You can't be with him if you don't love him. And you will not love him with “violent” methods, because real feelings must come by themselves. And it’s right, by the way, that I didn’t think to turn to all sorts of fortune-tellers! It's bad, first of all. Second, it's unnatural. You need to talk seriously. And the sooner, the better! Life is short, like a mini-skirt. Hurry up!
7. Elena: I read it, and it seemed to me that everything happened to me, I won’t wish such stories to anyone, because I wouldn’t be able to endure any of them. He loves you. Do you want to love too? Wait! It's hard, but you have no choice. Until you can break up. And because you feel sorry for the guy, and because you are afraid to lose, as a friend. Stop being afraid! This is your first step towards success!
8. Lola: How to fall in love with him, love? - You can do this! But don't break his heart just yet. I don't think he can take it. Time won't heal him that fast either, so don't count on it. Wait. Live and wait. Maybe he deserves you. Don't shoot off your shoulder! You will regret a lot if you do something thoughtlessly .... Advice….

Question to a psychologist

Good afternoon Today in my life there is one very important problem for me. I can't fall in love. Yes, it may be stupid and banal, but it is very difficult to live with it.
To begin with, I will soon be 21 years old, and before that I had not yet Serious relationships(sexual too). This very fact really hurts me. All my friends have already experienced it. At the same time, I feel envious. I understand that it's terrible.
I've dated guys before, but it wasn't for long and I wasn't hooked at all. I don't feel anything for them. Yes, good and everything is fine in it .. but not that. Emptiness. Only friendly feelings. Maximum. And now there are several such guys around me. I've been seeing one of them for six months now. As friends. He knows about it. But still, I feel like he likes me a lot. But he is like a man to me - no. I feel sorry for him and I can't let him go.
A couple of times, that cherished feeling seemed to flare up. But now there are no coals from them. And both times it was rejected. In the first - due to distance (and possibly other reasons), in the second - he was embarrassed by the age difference.
At school, sympathy with a classmate was mutual, but none of us decided to take the first step. Maybe somewhere deep down I still regret it...
In no case will I say that Mother Nature has cheated her appearance. Satisfied with myself. Fans show up regularly. I study well and am fond of creativity. I love to read. I think a lot. Perhaps it interferes. But I can't turn off the analyzer brain. Even when you come just for the first date, this system unconsciously turns on and immediately begins to "scan" the young man. As a result, everything goes only Normally! No spark! Nothing! I persuade myself to give him a chance (well, and myself at the same time - suddenly something breaks out), to go again. But so far, nothing has happened ... There is an assumption that I am afraid of intimacy. How to get rid of this fear? I would really appreciate your help!...

Hello Christina!

Behind your words, anxiety is felt, and this is quite natural. When we are 20-21 we are aimed at meeting with those with whom we want to build a family, build a nest. And, of course, we want love. And it is difficult to wait in this case, especially when the friends have already experienced a lot. You write about envy, but I just hear desire meet a loved one. But if you're jealous, it's not so terrible. But for you - it is certainly painful. In your opinion, a spark is important ... Of course, it is important, and it will definitely flare up! It's hard to wait...

Christina, you write that you consider it your problem that you cannot fall in love - and I hear that you have not yet met the one in which your heart will beat faster, while you feel that everything is not right, just good guys ... I remember many years ago, one of my friends could not give birth, and around her all her friends already had children. To whom only she did not go, and calmed down a little, only when she was alone wise woman said: “Your time has not come, now it will come and you will give birth!” Now she and her husband are raising a daughter who was born 7-9 years later than the children of her friends.

Nowadays it is difficult to wait, because many are in a hurry, and intimate relationship start too early. Age allows me to say - do not rush ... Accept your experiences as part of the path towards your person. As you write, mother nature did not deprive you of your appearance, so there is no reason to rush towards someone who pays attention to you. There will always be people who like us. However, nothing compares to mutual feeling. It's good that you listen to yourself!

Christina, you will definitely fall in love, by the way you write, I see a poetic and feeling nature.

At the expense of school sympathy - it's great that she was. When it is difficult for us in today's moment, we sort through unused opportunities and we are visited by doubts. This is natural, but not very productive for today.

And lastly, you tend to think a lot, how do you say the brain-analyzer works ... Then you can fall into the trap, scrolling through what worries and frightens you many times, and then you fall into a narrow space. Notice this "walking in a circle", stop yourself in time, go free both literally and figuratively.

Christina, about your fear that you are afraid of intimacy - it is difficult to understand this from a letter, it is better to come to a face-to-face consultation with such questions.

I wish you faith that everything in your life will happen in due time. All the best!

Good time Christina. In your letter, all your feelings are very clearly described - about the absence strong feelings, sexual relations, about excessive rationality, which allegedly prevents you from creating a serious relationship, envy of your friends, various fears ... In fact, you are only 21 years old and your choosiness and scrupulousness in creating a serious relationship commands great respect. And it's great that your brain is an analyzer that is able to distinguish good from bad and accept right decisions. And there is nothing wrong with envying your friends, while being aware of it. We are all, without exception, prone to envy. We are distinguished by the ability to realize it or not to realize it and to accept or not to accept this quality in ourselves.

It is impossible to fall in love on purpose, to appoint and plan time for strong feelings. They come and happen suddenly, often when you don't expect them at all. And indeed, it looks like a spark. There has not yet been a meeting in your life. But it is hardly worth considering this as a difficulty or a problem.

Hello Christina.

In many ways, you yourself understand and highlight those points that may interfere with you in establishing relationships with men. When you, using your language, scan what you are looking for: either those features and qualities that are essential for you in a man, or vice versa, those qualities that you do not want to see in a person close to you. By creating a certain ideal, you, simply speaking, unconsciously put up barriers for yourself. Ask yourself why you need these barriers, and what kind of closeness you are afraid of. Perhaps you have a fear of opening up to a man in every sense, including sexual? Opening up in many ways means showing your feelings and emotions, sometimes more than sharing your thoughts. On this moment I don't think you have that kind of readiness. But this does not mean that it will always be so. The fact that you asked this question already indicates that your readiness for intimacy and openness to relationships with a man is growing. It is worth dealing with barriers. It could also be different kind moral attitudes, such as that sex is something unworthy. Only these installations may not be realized by you. A psychologist can help you discover your barriers and how to get rid of them. It's impossible to do this in one short answer. You also need to work with yourself.

Sincerely, Oksana Paryugina.