How do you deal with being rejected? How to accept that you have fallen out of love and no longer waste energy on mental torment

Hello. I'm 21. It's hard to write about my problem, but I can't live with it either. I'm afraid of relationships, not even that - emotional intimacy. I had my first man at the age of 6. I thought it was a game. Didn't tell anyone. And with age came the understanding of what exactly was done to me. Feeling dirty. It was difficult to listen to the hopes for a brighter future from parents and understand that this will not happen. The older I got, the more fear intensified. I understand that it won't work on its own. I tried to talk to my friend, but he thought it was a stupid joke. And he said that this is not a joke. Since then it has completely closed. How to deal with what happened? How to open up for a relationship? And when I decide sexual relations Is it worth talking about what happened? I just got to the point. Am I to blame for this? Why does he continue to live, and I suffer? All I want is a piece of happiness, even a little.

Xenia, thank you very much for sending your question.

How to deal with what happened?

There are two articles on my website that I can boldly recommend to those who are currently acutely experiencing the trace of some traumatic experience:

• Help of a psychologist for victims of violence and participants in extreme events

They describe strategies for dealing with such conditions (although they do not focus on the sexual aspect). In general, with an obvious impact of trauma on the present, individual psychological work: regular, of some duration. Or group work. In a thematic therapeutic group for people who have met in their lives with violence, victims of men with sexual perversions. In your city, most likely, there are such. Especially if you live in Moscow or St. Petersburg.

If you are not ready for this yet, I recommend finding Pavel Kornienko's website on the Internet. A couple of times a year, he holds a three-day intensive dedicated to the topic of trauma. I highly recommend asking him when the next one is planned and come for all three days.

“It was difficult to listen to the hopes for a brighter future from parents and understand that this will not happen”

I mean, are you suggesting that you won't be able to overcome your fear, and that no relationship will work out because of it?

“Tried to talk to a friend, but he thought it was a stupid joke”

Recently on the Internet, in social networks(mostly facebook) flashmob thundered #I'm not afraid to say. The essence of it was that people talked about their experiences, how they were harassed and sexual abuse. Many who shared their stories have already gone a long way in internal psychological recovery and prompted less enlightened users how to react to their post, and how unacceptable and why unacceptable. And even in this case, the townsfolk "denied" the narrator's experience, its reality or significance, and tried to blame the victims themselves. This suggests that social and psychological literacy in understanding these types of situations, a large number just people is extremely low.

How to open up for a relationship?

To do this, it is important to investigate exactly how you close. And agree with yourself over time in favor of stopping the closure. An example of such research in psychological practice.

“And when I decide to have sexual relations, is it worth talking about what happened?”

It is your choice whether you prefer to live with such a secret from your partner or without it. To tell means to take the risk that the listener will not be able to perceive what was said constructively or be unable to come to terms with the content of your secret. The weight of this mystery may be beyond someone's shoulders. To “open up” requires complete acceptance of oneself in this experience. And those who can share it with you without worsening the relationship will demonstrate a huge degree of acceptance of you with all the features. It is a pleasant and valuable experience, strengthening one's self-acceptance. But you need to learn how to choose people worthy of such trust. If someone cannot accept even simpler things in you, for example, sometimes speaks unflatteringly about your appearance or abilities, this is a very poor candidate for deeper revelations.

“Am I to blame for this? Why does he continue to live, while I suffer?

No, not guilty. And you have the power to take care of your torment and end it. To do this, you need to take an active position and begin to deal with the existing difficulty. Do not stop in your creative movement, seek help when you reach a dead end.

Sincerely, Maria Dolgopolova

Good day, dear readers! I recently wrote an article about. The publication aroused high interest, a lot of letters came to the mail, so today I decided to continue the topic. It is quite serious and requires a multifaceted consideration.

Let's discuss how to come to terms with the fact that you have fallen out of love. Leave your comments on this article, join the conversation, but for now I'll tell you how to deal with unpleasant situation when someone close to you doesn't love you.

Now you are suffering a lot, you are broken and depressed. What to expect next and how to deal with unpleasant consequences? Let's quickly get to the topic.

Reaction

Each person reacts to the information that he is not loved in his own way. However, we can deduce several types of reactions.

If a guy fell out of love, or even more so a girl, then some want to forget about the incident as soon as possible. They behave deliberately cheerfully, although cats scratch their hearts. They can be found in the club or on public events. They try as little as possible.

Others get depressed and start retelling the story to all their friends. . They try to pour out their soul and hear nice words. They tend to idealize former relationship and therefore they are looking for answers: why they were abandoned, what was wrong, who is to blame for what happened, why I am not worthy of love, and so on.

Still others, on the contrary, withdraw into themselves and do not want to show their own emotions to others. They spend more time at home, alone with their thoughts.

In fact, the types of such reactions in psychology largely overlap with those that I recently wrote about. If you are interested, you can learn more about this topic in the article of the same name.

No matter how you react to the situation, time must pass so that everything is forgotten, and you can live full life. Do as you see fit, take the time to suffer. You and your psyche need it.

We cannot change the natural course of life. Just as the appearance of smoke without fire is impossible, it is also unthinkable for a wife without experiences, suffering and grief.

Each person goes through 5 stages that await you. The duration of each period depends not only on how close the man (or woman) was to you, but also on personal qualities, features of the psyche.

Even if you yourself understood that you fell out of love with a person, then the consequences frank conversation would come as a shock to you. Changes in life, change of habitual attitudes, loss of traditions, uncertainty. . The first reaction is always shock. Reality seems to have slipped out from under your feet, everything has changed, you are not in control of the situation.

Then comes hatred and aggression. You begin to blame yourself and others, try to understand the reasons, worry about what you didn’t do, what you didn’t think about before. There is a complete reassessment of everything and a lot of thoughts about improving the past, which can no longer be returned.

Then the person gets depressed. In this state, he most acutely feels pain. Memory, unfortunately, begins to reveal only positive points, all the negativity is forgotten, but you slowly release unpleasant information.

Then comes acceptance, and only sometimes, at first more often, and then less and less. Life is slowly returning to its rut, and you are again ready for relationships and love.

As much as we would like, each of us must go through these stages in order to be reborn and become ourselves again, worthy of love, tenderness and understanding.

Books

To make the difficult period less painful for you, I can advise you a few books that will help you quickly regain faith in yourself.

If you broke up with your once beloved husband or wife, I recommend reading Andrey Kurpatov "How to survive a divorce". I understand that not everyone loves the books of media personalities, but this psychologist was at one time a frequent guest on the TV screen. But the professionalism of this man cannot be denied.

This book will help you, your condition. You will learn how to properly respond to the situation and be able to less painfully experience what happened, accept this fact and start living on.

The next book is for those who love psychological trainings and easily use various techniques to help you deal with difficult situations. Olga Polyanskaya parting without pain and tears. This step-by-step instruction with 11 techniques that will help you quickly get rid of all unpleasant consequences and start life from scratch.

You will quickly put yourself on your feet, and most importantly, the past will not pull you into the abyss. You will be able to trust other people, although now, most likely, this seems impossible.

The last book is aimed exclusively at women. It's called "How to survive a breakup and become happy" Evgenia Tarasova. Psychological tests will help you better understand yourself: why he was in your life, how quickly you become attached to people, whether you can be happy no matter what, whether you are in depressed state and if the mistakes happen again.

Most importantly, in addition to results and new knowledge about yourself, you can get tips that are right for you.

Question to a psychologist

Good afternoon As a child, from about the ninth grade, I often imagined my future life: here I am, big, strong, mature and self-confident, doing some very interesting and important activity, smart, interesting, in the center of events. In order to engage in the above activities, it was necessary to graduate from the institute, and it seemed to me that this would not be difficult for me, because studying is great and interesting. Then the magistracy, postgraduate studies were to follow, and here it is, the path to science, to a bright future. Further, of course, the creation of a family, friendly, in which they would understand and appreciate each other, so that I, my husband, and the children feel really at home in it.
Today I am almost 20 years old, recently I realized: none of my ideas came true, and does not come true, absolutely none. I study at an unloved university, I don’t like my future profession, I don’t feel like an adult, even, as if on the contrary, a little girl whom her parents lost in a big store. Despite the fact that I do not like the specialty I have chosen, I managed to try my hand at scientific work, and it turned out that I was not suitable for it, or it was not suitable for me. It’s a big job for me to finish even a bachelor’s degree, let alone go on to study further. Sometimes I think it's because I don't like it this direction and then I realize: I'm not a genius, just a common person, well, I can’t invent a bicycle or prove the Poincaré hypothesis, simply because I don’t understand some things in science, come on in science, even in the educational process. What is the problem, you say, you need to find a field that you will like and develop in the direction to which you have inclinations and abilities, after all, the world is not limited only to scientific activity? Not limited, but I don’t even know in which direction to move, because it seems to me that I can’t do anything (I tried). But no matter what I try to try myself, I always think that I won’t grab the stars from the sky, because I’m ordinary. Tell me, please, how to come to terms with this, with the fact that you are just a person, not a super brain, not a superhero, not saving the planet and humanity, but simply enjoying what you are doing? (I still hope to find it)

Hello Anonymous!
The situation in which you find yourself happens often, but few are ready to look for themselves, most simply resign themselves or postpone the solution of the issue for an indefinite period. Over time, dissatisfaction grows, and by the age of 30-40 it manifests itself in a midlife crisis, dissatisfaction with life, and a loss of meaning.
You've decided to make things right, and since you're 20, your chances are high.
It seems that this very idea - that everything will be fine with you, despite the fact that you did not do anything purposefully ("I think that I can't do anything (I tried)") - this idea of ​​yours that everything will be easily by itself, appeared to protect itself from the fear of solving life's issues. Fortunately for you, this protective cocoon is already breaking through and you see reality, and do not live in illusions.
Changing your life is a very difficult task, which is why people love to read the books of those who were able to do it and describe how they did it. If you do this, you will truly be a superhero, in the sense that few people are capable of it. You can turn your life into your project.
Decide what you want to change; find information on how to do it optimally, without wasting extra effort and without going into dead ends. To get started, you can take tests for prof. orientation, identify your inclinations and abilities, figure out how you can develop them, and how to make money on it. You have time for these trials; and besides, an active position always increases the attractiveness of the individual, so your chances of finding a worthy partner will also increase.
the main mechanisms of self-management are described in the book by Yu.M. Orlov "Ascent to individuality". As for finding your own business, you can find a lot on the Internet on this topic, if you set a goal.
Good luck on this path.

Sincerely, Elena Livach, psychologist, St. Petersburg.

Seriously, as long as I can remember - it hurts that I'm not a man.
As a child - fighting and playing with boys, being friends with girls or having girlish interests was shameful for me. Many have done it, you might say.
At school, when I was older, it was the same. When I liked a guy, I liked him only because I wanted to be like him, and I tried to copy him. At the same time, few people paid attention to me and the guys did not want to be friends, apparently because "it's shameful to be friends with girls." With classmates, of course, was friends.
Eighth grade on New Year I put on makeup (then everyone was already wearing makeup) and came to school in a skirt and shoes - compliments rained down, tough guys Of course, they paid their attention, but not at all what I needed. Around the same time, I got the Internet, I looked at photos of men I liked and envied: well, why do I know how to dress fashionably, communicate with people and generally be cool, but - being a guy? Why can't I understand how it is possible to be a cool girl, and why, in principle, there is no concept of "cool girl" for me?
At that time, throwing constantly accompanied me, I met the first really cool girl that I would like to be like. It seemed that I fell in love - that's the solution, cheers, I'm a lesbian! We “met” with her for 9 months, and every day I realized more and more that I was not attracted to girls either sexually or just in a relationship, i.e. I like men, as always; it's just that there are cool girls, but it is not necessary to have a relationship with them) At another school, I met another such girl; we were not friends for long, because when I came to visit her, I found that she was sleeping in a nightgown, but this was not rubbish. Do not rub - what? Do not labor "a woman who is a man, but not a lesbian and not a transsexual"? I can’t formulate it for myself, I just don’t rub it - that’s all.
Oh, how many tears have been shed, how much self-hatred I have experienced in my entire life - why, why am I not a man? Everything seems to be simple - save up for a sex change operation, and, in fact, change it. But no, it doesn’t fit, I want to be a normal man who likes women, a man from the very beginning, and the realization that my body is not masculine and will never be masculine is not happy, and after a sex change will not please.
The usual throwing teenager, well, yes. The fact is that I’m not a teenager anymore - I also hoped that it would pass with age, but it didn’t - there was only a desire to have children, and then, because a child is for me - new person, consisting of you and the one you love, the child expands the space for love. Those. it's not maternal instinct.
I have been living with a guy for two years and still think about it all the time, moreover, there are very bad periods when it is simply impossible to live with it. Now is just such a period. Can you imagine what it's like for him to listen to that?
Everything that I have to do as a woman pisses me off - act like a woman, for example; I understand that some things that I would do as a man would look normal, but when I do them as a woman, it looks like it is to attract attention; I can’t calmly ask in the parts store what kind of chain I need, because “stupid woman”, and not “a young guy asks about things that are not ashamed not to know”; in relationships - I want to be equal, partners, and not a harmonious heterosexual couple; I know how to be a cool dude, how to hit on girls, but I don’t need girls, and with my gender, hitting on girls is somehow stupid. Little things - critical days when they carry bags for me, shave surfaces, cook "every day", put on makeup, and all that. And I am terribly oppressed by my genitals, figure (for a woman - a normal figure), breasts.
In general, I understand that if I give myself freedom and look and behave the way I like, then it will be funny and ridiculous - not at all the way I would like to look. I watched a program about androgynes, there were several girls who looked and acted like men, but it's still not real.
Sometimes I want to kill myself - you never know, next time the male gender will fall out? IN adolescence there have been attempts.

Looking and acting like a woman - how to deal with it? How do you even accept it?