Relationship with an ex-boyfriend. Dating an ex: does the relationship have a chance

Does the relationship have a chance?

Most women often wonder: is it worth dating? ex-boyfriend and revive forgotten feelings? Maybe the separation was a big life mistake and now everything will be fine with us.

If you are the initiator of the breakup

If you ran away on occasion depending on him (he abused alcohol, often went “to the left”), then first take a closer look at him. Soberly realize whether he himself has changed, changed his way of life.

If for some reason everything remains the same, then decide: step on the same rake a second time? After all, this reason will again lead to a break, and you will add emotional trauma to yourself.

When the reason lies in you, for example, another man turned his head, and then you realized that he did not suit you. If feelings for the past man have not faded, then think about meeting, especially if the guy feels something for you, and he can forgive you.

If he provoked separation

The most important thing is to know exactly why. If you are the culprit, then it is possible to meet with a young man after you are 100% sure that you will not do this again. Otherwise, it makes no sense to waste your and his time.

If the gap occurred due to some of his beliefs without the presence of guilt on your part, then first of all pay attention to changes in his temperament. If everything is the same, then do not think about reconciliation, it will not be long.

Meeting with him

Your life has changed, and you yourself have changed. The same thing happened to him. You two have improved your personal life. Maybe you realized that before you were connected by friendships, and not love affection.

In this situation, the meeting can go perfectly, if you do not stir up past feelings. Chat on abstract topics. From the point of view of psychology, you can meet with your former partner when the offense has passed and you do not live in the past.

When to avoid meeting

Man is arranged in such a way that the past always has a place in his memory. And no matter how you broke up, it will remind you. Now you have a new gentleman, you feel good together. Love is the basis of a new life, but sometimes thoughts about the past come to mind, and the soul becomes sad.

You enjoy your current relationship, but the past beckons you. You promise yourself that you will only look at him with one eye. But you know how it could end.

Old relationships are almost impossible to renew, and new ones are easy to destroy. Here it is better to overcome your desires. Walking with an ex can open up old wounds and nothing will work out. Discard this idea if you have any feelings for your partner.

Listen to your heart and mind, only they can give the right answer. After all, there was separation once, where you have a guarantee that this will not happen again. Understand if there is love for the former or it has dried up.

You agree to re-experience the same pain, disappointment and resentment. No matter how much you love him, whoever led him to say goodbye, look around you.

There are many in the world wonderful people and you just don't notice them, not giving them a chance to make you happy. And if you try, trust, then you will definitely see, learn, make sure.

Perhaps, at least once in our lives, many of us thought that it would be nice to renew relations with an ex-boyfriend. Someone also believes that since a lot of things connected you, you can just be good friends. However, few people succeed. Indeed, in most cases, the ex-boyfriend becomes not just a friend. Rebuilding relationships is actually very difficult. After all, this can be prevented shared memories about the reasons for your past breakup, the influence of friends who do not approve of your desire to be together, and a host of other things. However, if you seriously think it's worth a try, here are some tips to help make things easier.

Date a guy like a new partner

Relationships with an ex have their perks. So, you know which side of the bed he prefers to sleep on, what kind of music he likes to listen to. Besides, you are aware of his little quirks and habits. However, it is worth considering that in the time that has passed since your breakup, the guy could change. Of course, we are not talking about cardinal changes. But he could, for example, change jobs, get carried away with meditation, or become a fan of the local football team. Therefore, talk more and try to get to know the person again.

Do not rush to return to familiar things

When you've already dated a guy in the past, it can be easy to be tempted to have a second date in a cozy home environment, sitting on a comfortable sofa, turning on new series"Game of Thrones" and ordering your favorite Chinese food at home. However, you should not do this. After all, you want to start a new relationship, and not immediately return to what you once decided to end. Therefore, do not be lazy to dress up for dates. In addition, for meetings, choose places where you have never been in the company of an ex-boyfriend before. Believe it will go to the relationship only for the benefit.

Don't hold grudges, but don't leave problems unresolved either.

If you've been through severe break, then you should not remember its reasons when you quite successfully resumed the relationship. Feelings of guilt and resentment will dominate you. However, if between you and your ex, or already now current boyfriend, there are unresolved issues, it is better to find them out quickly so that you can move forward calmly.

Don't ask about other girls

You may have seen photos of your ex with another girl somewhere. Of course, the desire to ask him about what connected them is very tempting. However, you should not give in to it if you do not want to spoil your resurrected relationship. After all, then you were not together, and the guy had every right to meet with other representatives of the weaker sex.

Remember that in the future you will have explanations with family and friends.

Once your rekindled romance begins to take off, you can no longer hide it from others. At this point, don't be surprised if your friends and family feel the urge to constantly remind you of all the terrible things your boyfriend has done. Understand that they are only doing this because they really care about you. And for them, the thought that the same person will hurt you again and make you suffer is unbearable. However, if you are confident in your decision, then simply thank a friend or relative for their concern and remind you that you carefully considered the pros and cons before making a decision.

Be confident in what you do

It's very easy to get back into a relationship with an ex-boyfriend. But you should be sure that this is exactly what you want. Don't do it because you feel lonely. Ask yourself why you want to rekindle your romance, and also if you are confident that you can succeed with this person this time.

No matter how we are convinced that the past should remain in the past, life sometimes proves the opposite: having parted once, lovers often return to each other after a while - and find true happiness, despite prejudices. What should be taken into account when deciding to start a relationship with an ex, and how to distinguish real feelings from memories of a happy past?

Be honest with yourself

Before deciding on a relationship with an ex-boyfriend, try to honestly answer yourself the question: what exactly drives you? If time has passed since your breakup, you both had the opportunity to think about what happened, conduct a sober “work on the mistakes” and admit that you, despite everything, want to give the relationship another chance, it’s worth a try. But it also happens that an affair with an ex-boyfriend becomes nothing more than a cure for loneliness: once in the status of a single, we longingly remember our former lovers, sometimes idealizing them - according to the principle “what passes, it will be nice” - and forgetting about what made us decide to part ways. An attempt to renew a relationship in this case is likely to turn into disappointment. An even sadder option is a relationship with an ex-boyfriend based on jealousy, the desire for revenge or self-assertion. Remember how in the comedy "Wedding best friend Julia Roberts' heroine tries to disrupt her ex-boyfriend's wedding by suddenly imagining, years later, that he is hers real love? In order not to be in her place, try, when answering the question of whether a relationship with an ex is possible, make sure that you are not being led by hurt pride and have not confused real feelings with romantic memories.

Talk heart to heart

So that an affair with a former lover does not become the embodiment of the saying about the old rake, which can be very painful to step on, do not rush to rush into the pool with your head. Find the strength to invite a man to the negotiating table - even if it is a table in your favorite restaurant in a romantic setting - and talk frankly. It is especially important to do this if your parting was not calm and peaceful: it may well turn out that both of you do not need a new relationship, but the opportunity to dot all i and finally say goodbye without holding grudges against each other.

Get ready to start over with a clean slate

When deciding for yourself the question of whether a relationship with an ex is possible, keep in mind that this will be a completely new relationship, and not the next chapter of a once interrupted romance - otherwise it, like that romance, will end in parting. The experience of previous mistakes, of course, is worth considering in order not to repeat the previous scenario. But, having drawn the necessary conclusions, it is important to be able to abandon previous grievances and omissions. The past should be left in the past - as Miranda and Steve did in "Sex in big city': survived painful breakup and almost deciding on a divorce, they followed the advice of a psychologist and made an appointment on the bridge between their areas - a sign of readiness to turn the page and start a relationship with a clean slate.

Trust your intuition

Be prepared for the fact that the relationship with the former will instantly become the number one topic in your communication with loved ones, and you will probably have to listen to a lot of advice and warnings in the spirit of "people do not change" and "you cannot enter the same river twice." Be patient and do not forget: no matter what assessments others give to your actions, only these two know what is really happening between two people. There are many examples of couples finding happiness through fights, breakups, and even official divorces- sometimes, in order to learn the necessary lessons and learn harmony and mutual understanding, such a difficult path is needed.

Get to know each other again

One of the main advantages of being in a relationship with an ex-lover is that you already know each other quite well. You are aware of his habits and characteristics, he knows your character, you know what to expect from each other in sex - in a word, you are already initially close enough to bypass the stage of addiction and grinding. On the other hand, the thrill of first dates and the dizzying delight of first kisses are initially excluded from your scenario - precisely because you do not need to get to know each other.

If you feel that you lack romance - do not rush: try to recreate the period of courtship, dates, let the man conquer you again. Such a seasoned foreplay will require patience, but if you are serious about a new start with your former lover, your efforts will certainly pay off.

What to do if an ex-boyfriend offers to meet? Agree to a date or immediately refuse? In order to correctly approach the solution of the problem, the girl should remember how the relationship developed, and is there any hope for their fruitfulness in the future?

Should a girl date an ex-boyfriend: 6 pros

It is best to put a piece of paper in front of you and try to formulate pros and cons. The undoubted "pros" include:

• Despite the breakup, the girl still feels for the young man tender feelings. Alas, but worthy replacement the former gentleman was not found. All other contenders were a cut below. Surely, thoughts have come to you more than once that the separation was a mistake and the best partner no longer found. Moreover, the mere thought of him is breathtaking and “goosebumps” begin to run over the skin;
• This guy is the only candidate. For some reason it is not possible to arrange personal life. Perhaps it will be possible to try on its shortcomings and build really strong relationship. Who knows, a person could have realized his own mistakes during this time and is now sincerely trying to correct the situation, referring to ex girlfriend with gentle trembling;
• The person does not cause much excitement, but general acquaintances and good relations his parents bring back fond memories. Maybe you should come to terms with the loss of an imaginary "prince", and renew contact with the former gentleman for the sake of creating a family? Knowing all its advantages and disadvantages, you can build a reliable relationship in which there will be no scandals guaranteed, since the partners have already perfectly studied each other;
• should not be excluded and mercantile interest. If during the breakup with a guy he managed to succeed, the desire to increase his status can be overwhelming. For many girls, this factor is decisive. Especially if it was the girl who initiated the breakup, in particular, due to the lack of funds from her lover;
• The girl is well aware of the guy's shortcomings, but she is sure that now she can correct most of them. After all, past relationships made her an "expert" in the psychology of this particular individual, and it will be much easier to re-educate him. Skillfully correcting behavior young man and gradually changing his habits, you can bring up a model almost perfect for life together;
• Just in this moment lack of a friendly shoulder. The young man offers to meet, why not go on a date? It is still unknown, maybe it does not imply further development, but just the guy also needs to find a person to whom he can open his soul? It is much easier to do this in the company of someone who is well aware of the problems and shortcomings of the former half.

You can meet with an ex-boyfriend just to maintain friendly relations. If not everything worked out in a joint life, it does not mean that people should completely stop communicating. Maybe they didn't make it perfect lovers but they can be real friends.

Is it worth dating: 6 "against"

What can adversely affect the decision to meet with a former gentleman? There are 6 reasons:

• Memories do not make a positive impression. To a greater extent, the girl experienced from these relationships negative emotions. Is it worth repeating past mistakes, hoping that this time everything will go differently? As the old saying goes, the hunchbacked grave will fix it. If earlier it was not possible to influence his habits and manners, where is the guarantee that it will turn out now?
• Often, relationships in a couple go to “no” due to the intervention of relatives. If earlier parents young man did not show delight at the sight of his chosen one, one should not hope that over time their positions have undergone cardinal changes. In this case, the resumption of relations will lead to a new round of negativity and, most likely, will quickly fade away again. You should not expect decisiveness from a person who once did not justify trust.
• The relationship developed perfectly until the girl found out that the now ex-boyfriend was dating her girlfriend. To forgive the fact of betrayal is quite difficult, even if it happened several years ago. The young man claims that he fully realized his mistake? Of course, you can believe sweet speeches, but the heavy sediment will not go anywhere. In addition, the girl will begin to be suspicious of all her acquaintances, subconsciously expecting that the gentleman will start new novel with a friend.
• The girl wants to continue the meetings, but she really realizes that she cannot correct the shortcomings of the young man, nor can she put up with them. Therefore, an attempt to renew the relationship will lead to a waste of time.
• If an ex-boyfriend wants to meet, this does not mean at all that he considers the situation as a new round in a relationship. It is possible that he simply has no one to spend this evening with. Of all the suitable candidates, for some reason, an old attachment came to mind.
• It is also possible that such a situation currently The girl started dating a friend of her ex-boyfriend. Upon learning of this, the vengeful young man decided to destroy the couple. Perhaps he has such a harmful character, or he is an owner by nature and believes that the passion with which he has already parted should still not “go to” a friend. Or maybe just afraid of parting with a friend?

We make a decision

Once upon a time, Roman philosophers argued that it was impossible to enter the same river twice. This statement is quite applicable to such life situation. You can’t start dating a former boyfriend again, as if there had never been disagreements and parting. But on the other hand, life flowed like water and could lead to some changes in a person. Maybe take a second chance?

Answer this question each girl must own. The advice of friends in this case will not help, because they are not familiar with all the vicissitudes of a seemingly completed novel. If a girl meets with an ex, then there is hope for a fruitful relationship.

Lost Love Project is the name given to a project by University of California professor Nancy Kalish that she started in 1993 and has continued for more than twenty years.

In her first study of couples who decided years later to rehabilitate romantic relationship, was attended by 1001 people from all 50 US states, as well as residents of other countries. The proposal to participate in the project appeared on radio stations, television shows, magazines and newspapers.

The participants were between 18 and 89 years old. The results of this work became for Kalish the basis of her book Lost and Found Beloved. The Truth and Myths of Reunion” (“Lost and Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances”, which is still the only publication built on scientific research on this topic. Dr. Kalish proved that happy re-relationships with former lovers were possible in any age group.

Two-thirds of the participants were reunited with their first love, whom they met at the age of 17 or younger. It was these couples that turned out to be the most stable - 78% of them did not break up. In total, 72% of couples who resumed relationships managed to build a new, happy union. Since this book was published, stories of newfound love have continued to come to the author from all over the world in letters, emails, faxes, and even phone calls. Kalisz says she met many couples personally.

Her second study (2005-2006) was based on participants who found each other through one of the most popular ways of the 2000 decade, the internet. These people differed in many ways from the previous ones: most of them (62%) were married. The romantic reunion in this group was no longer so successful - only 5% of those who met remained together and later got married. At the same time, all the “lucky ones” were free at the time of their acquaintance. “Most of those who had a family decided to keep the new relationship a secret until they figured out whether they should destroy the old one and create a new one,” says Nancy Kalish. - However, in more than half of the cases, infidelity was revealed, and this caused great trauma to both spouses, and children, and the found lovers themselves. And even if a love affair was not discovered, people themselves ended this relationship after a couple of years at the most.

In the latest study, Kalisz relied on psychotherapist clients. The participants were 1300 people who had never tried to find their lost love (this was the control group). The psychologist compared them with the participants in her first experiment, where people not only found each other, but also built a new alliance. Kalish notes that these groups were distinguished by the reason why the relationship of the two once ended. loving friend friend of people. The happily united group mostly cited parental disapproval as the reason for the breakup, too young age or moving to a new location. In the control group, this often happened because the couple did not find common language, due to infidelity, emotional or physical abuse. “Because they had such painful memories, these people not only showed no interest in finding their former lovers, but did not even understand this desire in others.” Kalish notes that the reason for the breakup is in many ways the key to whether it is possible to restore a full-fledged relationship.

Chemical reunions

What makes the possibility of finding an ex-lover so compelling? We often romanticize the past. Encountering what has become part of our experience—the places we have been, the people we have loved—affects neurochemical mechanisms. And years later, a random photo or conversation with someone who knew our former lover has the potential to rekindle our romantic desires. When meeting with a person, they can develop into a true passion. Researchers attribute this to an increase in the production of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that causes attraction or an acute desire to possess a person. Pleasant memories can also trigger a surge in serotonin, another neurotransmitter that triggers obsessive thoughts about our new object of desire. In the end, this also leads to an increase in the level of oxytocin, a hormone that is also responsible for our attachment to a person and largely contributes to the positive coloring of memories of a past romance.

Even after many years strong feelings do not always disappear after a breakup.

“A meeting on a social network stimulates memories, and this, in turn, leads to an increase in the production of appropriate chemicals that affect our emotions and behavior,” says psychologist Cheryl Kirshenbaum. - And if, as it seems at first, "light and frivolous" feelings are driven by both former lovers who met by chance online, then in the future this leads to the temptation to continue the previous relationship.

The voice of a loved one, and even the smell of their skin, can evoke vivid, vital memories that have been stored in the hippocampus and frontal cortex. Thus, even if before the meeting we assume the exclusively platonic nature of the relationship, they become more intimate. This, of course, does not mean that people are unable to control their actions when strong emotions come into play. “However, trying to find a former lover through the Internet can affect our lives much more than we think,” says Kalisz.

Accused… Facebook?

Why, then, were those who searched for their lost love before social media actively entered our lives, were more successful in creating new alliances?

If a person wanted to find someone in the era before the Internet, then this required some effort. I had to look for addresses and phone numbers through city services, interview relatives or acquaintances who could have a connecting thread.

“Only those who were free from matrimonial obligations took such significant steps,” says Kalisz. “And if the other side was also unmarried, then it was these couples who created the most successful and lasting unions.” Now our romantic past is easily and effortlessly alive online. It doesn't cost us anything to find a person through the Web and immediately start chatting with him. And the fact that we are not free, as a rule, does not stop us. However, an innocent desire only to find out how things are going there " old friend”, very soon runs the risk of developing into something more.

“Most of those who are faced with their lost love accidentally, through the Internet, they admit that they lived in happy marriages. And before they met their former lovers, they never cheated on their spouses, ”says Kalisz. The study showed that the restoration of relations against the background of an existing marriage rarely led to the construction of a new union. “As a rule, people suffered because they found themselves in an ambivalent position, when both sides - and former lover, and a real spouse - became equally dear to them. In addition, they understood that they were affecting the feelings of their spouses and children, which is why some marriages later broke up. What at first seemed like a game, endangered the existence of families that the vast majority of study participants, according to them, cherished,” emphasizes Kalisz.

However, the author notes that social network, as a rule, makes it possible to find out the matrimonial status of a former cordial friend. And if both partners at the moment of acquaintance are free and they do not have traumatic memories, but, on the contrary, have a joint joyful experience, then this new union has a great chance of becoming successful and lasting.

A site created by Nancy Kalisz deals with aspects of this topic – lostlovers.com

"Lost and Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances" (William Morrow Inc., 1997).

Mount Sinai School of Medicine, New York (Mount Sinai School of Medicine, New York)pnas.org/content/early/2010/11/18/1012669107.full.pdf