The Great Family Wall: how to avoid misunderstandings between spouses. Why is there no understanding in relationships?
Question for a psychologist:
Hello! My husband and I have been living together for 2 years, we dated for 2 years. I am 22 years old. He is 3.5 years older than me. We always had scandals about his absence from home. My husband leaves the house every day to stay with the boys (the boys are 30 years old), either to drop someone off or just to smoke. He is delayed, he says for 20 minutes, but arrives in 2 hours, he says for 1 hour, he arrives in 3 hours. In the evening he is almost always absent; sometimes he comes in drunk. In general, some eternal awkward excuses. At work during the day, he leaves in the evening supposedly on business. The child was born, it became completely unbearable. I'm with my child, but he's not around. I'm very upset, I'm angry. There were scandals about the fact that he was losing money, and he took it out on me. He didn't have enough money and wanted to win. I tried to stop, but we only fought more, and he lost his salary. I endured, believed the promises. He got loans behind my back. When I found out it was too late. I lost trust in him. I don't recognize him. I always believed him and tried not to interfere too much in his affairs, but then I realized that it was in vain. There were already debts. Now it always seems to me that he is lying to me, that at any moment he can start playing again. Now I try to control everything. And I understand that I can’t live like this anymore. But he was tired of it, he was not used to it, constant control, questioning. And I don’t know what to do. He accuses me of constantly nagging him. He doesn't want to talk to me. He says that I pester you with stupid questions. He doesn’t feel guilty; he believes that he’s doing everything right. There are no changes at all to my scandals; I have stuck to my line and continue to do so. And I’m tired of making trouble and allowing him everything he wants, I also consider it beyond impudence. I can’t do the same as him. And I also want to come in the evening and walk for my own pleasure. I am very offended by him because of the lost money and how he spoke about me and how he left, did not spend the night at home, did not answer calls. How can I talk to my husband correctly so that he understands me? How can we explain that this cannot continue? How to return broken trust? How to find points of reconciliation?
Psychologist Letuchy Igor Anatolyevich answers the question.
Anna, hello. You initially started the relationship with quarrels. In a relationship, you need to perceive a person unconditionally, giving him personal space. I’m not writing that the husband is right, but that’s why people meet, to get to know each other before marriage. Some woman would be satisfied with such a model of behavior and agree, this is real, she herself would go to her friends and spend normal time, or take up interesting activities or hobbies at home. But some women do not accept this model of behavior, and you can also find a justification for this, which you clearly write about. You need to clearly understand that a person can be changed only if he himself has a desire to change.. With the help of one frank and convincing person you cannot change a person, especially a person like your husband. Moreover, she was very unpleasant situation with losing money, where he is 100 percent wrong, but deep down he also does not consider this a problem... He is already used to living the way he wants... What to do if you want to save your family? We need to look for a real mutual compromise, for example, when he communicates with friends, then you find interesting activity at home, also visit your friends, change your image, start attending a sports section, and let him look after the child (he may begin to express dissatisfaction, but you treat this adequately and with elements of humor). Your behavior will surprise him and he will begin to fear, then while he is with friends, you can also make friends and not only female ones. Also, your strength is in calmness, convey your point of view calmly, and when he is nervous, then look at him at these moments like a “clown in the circus.” You can regain trust over time and a lot will depend on your behavior pattern as a whole.
First Cohabitation men and women is marked by the so-called grinding in of relationships. This allows them to get to know each other better, with different sides. At this time, spouses learn their weaknesses, psychological attitudes, each other's character traits. It is this period that lays the foundation for the development of further relationships. When the grinding-in period ends, the married couple either breaks up or switches to new level- becomes a family unit.
Why does misunderstanding arise between spouses?
There are several reasons. One of them - " family templates”, imposed by society. The fact is that the stereotypes and labels that society indiscriminately places on married couples often lead to misunderstandings between husband and wife. After all, spouses begin to subconsciously (or consciously) follow these patterns and rules, without developing any of their own. unique ideas and methods for resolving certain family conflicts.
Another reason - internal problems psychological in nature. The fact is that not understanding yourself makes it very difficult to understand your spouse. Family psychologists are confident that this is one of the most important aspects of this problem. In addition, many married couples simply do not want to listen to themselves and go against each other.
The term " perfect family" does not exist. This is an abstract concept that means happiness and peace in the relationship between spouses, as well as harmony in their personal family life. Each family determines for itself the degree of harmony and happiness.
Cold War
When spouses constantly do not understand each other, they begin to look for people “on the side.” This allows them to make up for their psychological and physical “deficiency” - spiritual and carnal intimacy.
Often, misunderstandings result in “ cold war" In other words, conflicts may arise that are not resolved, but are hushed up. Resentment between both spouses accumulates every day, with every new quarrel. The result is total hatred and complete misunderstanding of each other. Eventually, the time bomb explodes. So close to divorce.
In the West, family psychotherapy is a common practice for many couples who want to save their marriage. long years. In Russia, people turn to family psychologists very rarely.
What to do?
Refer to family psychologist. Family psychotherapy not only helps to improve relationships between husband and wife, but can also effectively bring them to a new verbal level - mutual support for each other. The duration of a course of family psychotherapy largely depends on the degree of neglect of the problem and ranges from several months to several years.
Misunderstanding in relationships. Rejection of spouses is the main reason for clients to turn to a psychologist to sort things out between themselves. 3 reasons for misunderstanding between spouses and what to do about this misunderstanding.
Misunderstandings in relationships, rejection of spouses and relationship partners towards each other often make it difficult to answer the question: “ “
Let's figure this out together difficult issue What are the reasons for misunderstanding between spouses and how can they be eliminated as painlessly as possible?
Rarely does anyone think about how to create a relationship; everyone just wants to.
Misunderstanding in relationships and rejection of others
Misunderstanding in relationships - this is the inability to clearly express one’s desires and demands, the inability to hear and understand one’s spouse. Lack of effective communication skills.
People often confuse misunderstanding and rejection. The first is correctable, the second often causes divorces and separations.
Rejection in relationships - this is the attribution of thoughts, feelings and desires to the spouse, hostility and disgust, the unacceptability of certain forms of behavior and communication of the partner.
Misunderstanding between spouses often masks a deeper cause of conflict and rejection.
I draw your attention to 3 reasons for the “misunderstanding” of spouses in a relationship.
Perhaps you could name more than three reasons for misunderstanding in relationships , I will name only the main ones.
What is the main reason for your misunderstanding?
Misunderstanding in a relationship often leads to rejection and divorce, so let’s hasten to understand the reasons for the spouses’ misunderstanding.
Three reasons for “misunderstanding”
Communication Impairment in Relationships
Communication breakdown , mainly manifest themselves in the inability to express their point of view, as a lack of mastery of the basic techniques of effective communication.
Spouses use conflict-generating words, call people names, “poke” and behave like children fighting over candy.
Often sharing "Mine-not-mine" develops into “And who are you-you-so!?”. And the showdown turns into an angry conflict or verbal fight.
The main form of verbal communication for this reason for spouses’ non-hiding is “or simply escalation of the conflict like “And you! You yourself!".
And the main behavior model is attack and aggression.
SOLUTION: Both sign up for the training. active listening, assertive or confident behavior and master or “I-statements”.
Violation of Responsibility in Problematic Relationships
Breach of responsibility - this is the taking or transfer of responsibility for the relationship by one of the spouses.
A breach of liability is always associated with a violation. By type of merger or isolation.
Violation of responsibility is expressed in an attempt to guess, anticipate or read the thoughts, desires and feelings of a spouse when hyper-responsibility in a Parent-Child relationship.
find out 7 stages of relationship development - on the Vitamarg dot.ru website.
Or in the desire to shift all responsibility onto the spouse for one’s thoughts, desires, behavior when irresponsibility in a “Child-Parent” relationship.
Quarrels and conflicts, misunderstandings usually begin when one of the spouses decides to give or take away some of the responsibility for themselves in the relationship.
SOLUTION: On your own or with the help of a psychologist, restore the balance of responsibility and normal personality boundaries in relationships.
Conflict of Core Values and misunderstanding in relationships
Conflict of values - this is a conflict at the level of attitudes, value orientations and relationship models brought by each spouse from his parental family.
Some try to figure things out with the help of alcohol, others leave their family for a long time and avoid conversations.
For example, in your parental family the basic ones were: trust, honesty and openness of intentions and behavior. And the spouse’s parental family, on the contrary: secrecy, “separate life under one roof” and isolation of interests.
Then every “hidden” (as was their custom) trip with friends or the next “undiscussed” (you made such decisions together) large purchase will lead to an assessment of the spouse’s behavior as “betrayal” or “he/I don’t understand me.”
SOLUTION: Of course, it’s not easy to figure this out without the help of an outside professional (psychologist, mediator), because the values are unconscious. It is better to come to build the basic core of values of the nascent family in advance in order to avoid misunderstandings on such small things that can lead to a breakdown in relations.
Misunderstanding in relationships - where did the love go? How to break through the cold wall of misunderstanding?
Misunderstanding in relationships: 4 reasons for misunderstanding video
Watch the video about 4 possible reasons misunderstandings in relationships and draw appropriate conclusions.
Do you think there is a way out of your problematic relationship? If your answer is NO, contact the author of the article for advice!
A parable about misunderstandings in relationships
One day a man comes to the house of an old man and knocks on the door. He opens it for him and invites him to go inside.
Tell me, everything is so good in your family life,” says the man. - The whole village is surprised how you manage to maintain such harmonious relationships with your wife. What's your secret
The elder asks to fulfill his request, which his wife does.
The wife obediently fulfills his request.
Now go to the pigsty, pick up dirt and add it to the dough and bake it in the oven.
The wife goes for the dirt, adds it to the dough and puts this inedible mixture in the oven. Then he brings the finished one to the table.
Here is the bread, beloved, as you asked. Anything else?
The man, in complete bewilderment, turns to the elder:
Well, how is it that she did everything you asked, even added dirt, which in itself is strange, without saying a single word against it!
Try asking your wife to do the same,” the elder answered.
Then the man wandered home to try the same thing. Entering the house, he found it dirty, and his wife playing cards with her friends in another room.
“Wife,” the man shouted. - Come here.
What do you want? I'm busy.
Come here, I tell you.
The wife, furious with anger that she was torn away from her favorite activity, still comes to her husband.
What do you want? Can't you see, I'm busy.
“Knead the dough for dinner,” says the man.
What other dough, why do you need it?
Knead the dough, I tell you.
The wife kneaded the dough and was about to leave to continue the game, but then her husband’s voice was heard:
Now add milk there, the milk you milked from the cow in the morning.
Are you completely crazy? - the wife answers. “I didn’t milk any cow!”
Then go and buy milk and add it to the dough.
His wife fulfills his request in complete bewilderment.
Are you happy now?
Now go and get some dirt and add it to the dough too.
Oh Almighty... you need to be treated!
Do as I say! And then put this bread in the oven.
The wife fulfills this request and then throws the bread on the table with the words:
Well, are you happy now, or is there some other nonsense left in your sick head?
Now I'm happy. You can do whatever you want.
But the man was not happy. After all, his wife scolded him a hundred times, uttered dozens of angry words, while the old man’s wife did not say a word to him. Then he goes to the elder again to find out what’s the matter.
I still didn’t understand anything. My wife flipped out at me like a beast when I asked her to do the same.
My friend, the question is how you ask her about it, what kind of relationship you have, how you love her. I dote on my wife, I praise and cherish her, so she fulfills my requests, even the most delusional ones, but unquestioningly. And you, remember when you last time gave her flowers?
Well, I gave it, yes, it’s true for a long time...
With these words, the man thanks the elder and leaves. On the way home, he picks a whole bouquet of flowers, entering the house, leaves them in beautiful vase on the table and goes to bed. Waking up in the morning, he discovers breakfast, which he has not eaten for several years, a clean house and his beautiful wife.
Since then, peace and love have always reigned in their house. The man fell in love with his wife again, and she with him.
One day there is a knock on the door. The man opens it and sees a young man on the threshold and invites him to go inside.
Tell me, everything is so good in your family life,” says the young man. - The whole village is surprised how you manage to maintain such a harmonious relationship with your wife. What's your secret?
Look, now my wife will knead the dough for us for dinner.
Buddhists are truly very wise and their ability to express is amazing every time. in simple words- the truth.
It's really simple - just love! If it doesn’t exist, then you shouldn’t waste time on quarrels and showdowns. If there is one, then help each other become better and don’t forget to smile.
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Marriage is happy when family relationships allow us to constantly realize our individual strengths. However, love and [...]
We have our head in the clouds and daydream, but the working day flies by unnoticed, and even the displeased muttering of the boss cannot spoil our mood. After all, in the evening it awaits us romantic date!
But time passes inexorably, people become closer, open up to each other and get to know each other better, and sooner or later any serious relationship approaching their critical point. It seems that love has not gone away, but the passion has faded a little, attachment has appeared, and some unpleasant moments have begun to appear in the loved one. We begin to notice his shortcomings, habits that irritate us, etc. And in this case, maintaining love is a difficult matter, but necessary if you want your relationship to always be bright, interesting, and not boring and insipid, steadily leading to a break. Typically, as scientists report, such a turning point occurs three years after the start of the novel. In three years, any love will exhaust itself, and either it will be replaced by love, or the paths of former lovers will diverge in different directions.
So what to do if there is no mutual understanding with your loved one? Many psychologists and various specialists family relations They believe that you can spice up a relationship with kind words towards your loved one. You need to praise your chosen one (chosen one) more often, praise for all his (her) successes, and say these words completely sincerely, flattery in such a matter is completely inappropriate! Has your loved one decided to surprise you and prepared dinner? Even if the dish is burnt and generally cooked incorrectly, it doesn’t matter, because he tried his best for you! So don't skimp on good words, thank him, show him how important this is for you! You will please the person, and such situations bring lovers closer together and awaken feelings in them. And if you yourself have the opportunity to somehow please your loved one, make it easier for him to do some household chores, don’t miss the chance and show him how much you love him and care about him. And don’t forget to compliment your loved one, emphasize the femininity of your chosen one and masculine qualities Your partner. Give compliments just like that, for no reason, but again, do not forget about sincerity in your relationship with your loved one.
Also, to maintain mutual understanding, it is very important to bring something new and bright into the relationship, and not succumb to the gray routine. This is especially true for those couples who live together and after a difficult working day return home, squeezed like a lemon. As a rule, in the evening there is no energy left for anything, and working week people are so tired that they spend the entire weekend lying aimlessly on the couch with the TV remote control in their hands. In this case, it would be nice to gather strength and change the situation. Invite your girlfriend to a movie or a restaurant, arrange for her romantic evening, don’t be lazy and prepare something special for her! You can go to some place that is memorable for both of you, which will bring back pleasant memories of the past. Often the place where you first met or kissed works well. Believe me, as soon as you pull yourself together and go somewhere with your loved one, the fatigue will go away! That mischievous feeling of young love will return to you again.
Many people, having gone through the “candy-bouquet” period, completely forget that gifts are given not only for New Year and Birthday. Small and nice gifts always appropriate! Especially those chosen with soul, with heart, with a sincere desire to surprise your loved one and cheer him up. Do something nice for your significant other, give her some nice little thing, and you will see that even such a small and, in general, uncomplicated step can significantly revive the relationship with your loved one.
Often, lovers who have been dating and living together for a long time become so accustomed to each other that they practically no longer have strong desire constantly touching your loved one. More precisely, this desire is there, but it is no longer so pronounced. But everyone enjoys the gentle touches of a loved one! And especially pleasant is a gentle relaxing massage, which can give the body long-awaited rest after a busy day at work. And it would be great if lovers did not spare time for fleeting kisses and hugs, because physical contact, as proven by scientists, promotes rapprochement and mutual understanding! This way you can combine business with pleasure.
For mutual understanding with a loved one, oddly enough, it is very important that lovers do not forget about themselves, their self-esteem and their development. We often give ourselves over to love, devoting everything free time the object of our adoration, we completely forget about ourselves and then complain, then they don’t love us, they don’t understand us. But in order to remain interesting, you need to love yourself and do something for yourself! If you have any hobbies, don’t abandon them, do them, develop your skills, and don’t miss the chance to get a promotion at work. It is very useful to have some hobbies that your partner does not share, and which you can pursue alone or with like-minded friends.
After all, if you always have some corner of your own, some special atmosphere, you will always be attractive to your partner! But it’s not at all difficult to constantly remain new and a little unusual. Just do what you love with pleasure, delight! Remember that going beyond the boundaries of relationships is simply necessary, first of all, in order to maintain a fresh outlook on the relationship with your loved one, but also in order to pay due attention to yourself and your loved one and, of course, miss your beloved half.
