The guy says he wants to live together. What should be done if a man does not dare to start living together

Good evening. I have a question. I'm dating a guy. I feel good with him when we are together. Easy to communicate. We understand each other well. It suits me physically. Now offers to live together, talks about family and marriage, children. But I am not satisfied with a lot of factors. I can't and don't want to move into his apartment. It's just a horrible rotten house. I don't like his relationship with money. He says money is evil. But how evil, if at the same time he allows everyone to eat food and drink wine for this "evil" earned by my hands. In addition, he has a large loan and alimony from 1 marriage. By the way, I live in comfortable conditions and change them to this, I just can't. I tried talking to him. I asked him what it means Cohabitation. To which I received the answer - so cook food and clean everything. Yes, this is all true, of course. I asked if we live together, it is necessary to maintain a joint budget. He agreed. But when the time came and I asked for money to buy some, he said, but I don’t have it now. Next, I tried to talk about how it would be nice to do repairs. Buy a stove and washer. To which I received an answer, there is no time for this now. And in general, give me a house in the Alps. He is alone and no one helps him. The man is 35 years old. I come home in the evening with his friends always sitting. And over a bottle of something, he solves global warming issues with them. I start drinking with him. And it all goes up in scale every evening. I understand that by doing so I drown out the voice of reason. And what hurts me. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I want too much. And he tries his best. But that doesn't make it any easier for me.

Hello Alina.

You don’t like a lot in your relationship - you feel and understand it. But as if you do not fully trust yourself and doubt your opinion.

Family, marriage, children, living together - this is a change of relationship, and these are joint obligations. It is important to understand what kind of life you want, what kind of life he wants, and whether it is realistic to combine it. What does family mean to you? And for him?

You are talking logically. And in the behavior of your man there is a hint of infantilism. People who do not want to do something in their lives often solve global issues over a bottle of something. And this style of behavior is usually very stable.

If your man has the attitude "Money is evil", be prepared that you will have to provide for your family yourself - and yourself, and him, and future children. It suits you?

You can try to live together and see in practice how it will be for you. Try to agree on responsibilities, on the budget, on plans for the future. To agree means to find a solution with which both of you will fully agree. Is it possible for you to really agree?

Listen to your feelings, trust yourself. If something is not comfortable for you in a relationship, this is important. You are thinking about building a family with this man. It is important not only that you feel good together, but also that you can organize your life together in a way that you like it.

Sincerely, psychologist Galina Uraeva.

Alina, hello!
You feel good in this relationship, but there is practical matters that load these relationships make them complex. And while these are questions without answers and without a clear position, both on your part and on the part of young man. This is a matter of accommodation, a matter of budget. It is with these questions that I propose to begin. Could you clarify these issues in a businesslike, very specific way? A list of questions for joint discussion might be: where will we live? If in your house, then this and that is important for me (the presence of a washing machine, stove, repair, something else). Are you ready to meet me halfway in this and take part in the arrangement of our joint housing? If yes, then let's set a deadline (for example, this month we buy washing machine, the next plate, etc.). If not, why not? If you are ready to offer to move in with you, then this option can also be discussed. The issue of the budget also requires clarification: how will we manage the joint economy? Will we have a separate budget or a joint one? If separate, then you agree, for example, who is responsible for which item of expenditure, if joint, plan spending together, taking into account the financial situation of each (you can have a separate piggy bank for joint spending). That is, specific questions require specific answers and a clear position from everyone. Do you think you can discuss it? Clarity is usually a relief, practice discussion along the way serious issues together. This is important for long term relationships.
There is one more question - the question of dialogue between you, how much you can talk to each other so that you hear and understand each other. Have you tried to clarify the position of the young man, why money is evil? By the way, why is he living on your money now? (if I understand correctly, wine in the evenings at your expense). In a conversation about repairs, you can go further: if there is no time now, then when, in his opinion, will he have it? And is there any plans for repairs at all? Get specific, develop a dialogue, try to understand his motives (why doesn't he want to earn money, why doesn't he want to renovate the house?). And then - the question of taking a position on your part. When will you better understand the vision life together your young man the smallest details, you can better answer the question of what to do with these relationships next. If it is difficult to make a decision, please contact me for advice, I will be happy to help you.

Not every man understands that by offering cohabitation, he puts his woman in an ambiguous position when she has to justify herself to her parents, married girlfriends, curious relatives and well-meaning neighbors, endure whispers behind their backs and humiliating conversations in society.

Let's see what is the difference between cohabitation and official marriage. In the so-called civil marriage, both partners are not responsible to each other and have the right to withdraw from the relationship at any time.

Such open relationship convenient for a man, but, as a rule, costly for a woman, because we have different priorities. A woman needs the level of security and stability that provides permanent partner. And in a “civil marriage” there are no guarantees that tomorrow a man will not pack up and go into the sunset forever from her life or ask her to make room in his apartment. After all, no solemn promises in front of witnesses, as is customary in official ceremony, he did not give and did not swear allegiance, which means that he is pure in the eyes of society.

A woman almost always wants to marry the man she lives with. But she often agrees to cohabitation, hoping that one day her chosen one will propose to her.

Why is a man usually in no hurry to put a stamp in his passport? This may be the following reasons.
1. He does not perceive a particular woman as the only one for whom he is ready to take responsibility, does not want to build a family with her.
AND/OR
2. He had negative experience previous marriage, from which he had a hard time coming out (the woman he loved betrayed, they sawed property for a long and painful time, etc.).
AND/OR
3. He has other priorities - he has his own main task in life (for example, to prove to his mother or another significant woman that it took place). In this case, he does not realize the value of creating own family. Such a man, often without realizing it, puts his whole life to prove something to someone. He does not have his own life - he lives someone else's.

The woman in this case agrees to cohabitation also for two main reasons.

1. She understands that she feels good with this man and is ready to be with him on any terms.
OR
2. She bends and makes concessions, hoping deep down that in time he "will not go anywhere, fall in love and marry."

The second option for a woman is initially losing. When one of the partners enters into a relationship with the intention of re-educating the other or getting something from him, he almost always remains with nothing.

A classic of the genre, when a man insists on cohabitation, realizing, but not saying, that this particular woman in his life is a temporary phenomenon. And the woman agrees, secretly hoping that one day everything will change. They converge, but their tasks are completely different. Her goal is in the future to create a family with him and give birth to children, and his goal is to live with her until the “only one” meets. And as soon as his not so accessible ideal looms on the horizon, he will offer her a hand, a heart, and an apartment. And the one who lived with him will say: “I did not promise you anything. You yourself agreed." And, alas, he will be right.

And if the cohabitant turns out to be pregnant, then the man can reasonably say that he did not order the child and, in general, who said that the child was his.

Therefore, a woman, before agreeing to cohabitation, should answer herself the following questions.

1. Is she ready for the fact that her children, together with a dash in the “father” column, can receive lifelong “fatherless” status in society?
2. Is she ready to give a man her time and love in exchange for that emotional wound that he can inflict on her at any time with his departure?
3. Does she understand that such a breakup can greatly affect her self-esteem and future relationships?

It is important for a woman to hear her man, to understand real reasons his unwillingness to register the relationship. And, based on this understanding, make your choice.

UPD. Let's already admit to ourselves: we live in a society where marriage gives a woman a respected status, and "walking in girls" (cohabitation) - a minus for reputation.

UPD 2. If both people are happy, then it does not concern anyone whether they are officially married or just live together.. My post is about the hidden intentions of both parties, which is often found in so-called civil marriages and then leads to mutual insults and claims.

This is not an attempt to blame anyone, but perhaps just a call to think.

I hear and respect other points of view.
But I stand by my opinion.

Hello dear readers of the Ezy-Life blog! Girls tend to rush time, but men are often in no hurry to switch to new level relations. If you have not come to an understanding of your lover in the next conversation with your girlfriend, today's article will help you with this.

If he has his own living space, this issue is resolved more easily. However, the young man is accustomed to his way of life, perhaps he has recently learned to manage his life on his own: to provide himself with food, things necessary in everyday life. He enjoys it and does not want to get used to something new again.

Renting an apartment is an equally important step that requires additional investment. It is possible that at this stage, a man with great pleasure will use his free finances on a trip, buying something long desired, or some other direction. Until he is ready to completely reconsider his life and change something in it.

Is it worth it to talk about this topic with a man

How to understand what exactly worries your man and why he does not want to live with you? Of course, the most obvious solution to the problem seems to be .

On the one hand, the girl does not want and, which, in theory, he himself should decide. It was not enough later for him to make a marriage proposal! On the other hand, continue to live for several years different angles just impossible.

To begin with, I should advise you to soberly assess the situation. How long have you been dating your loved one? If the period lasts no more than a year, then you can and should be patient until the young man himself matures to an important decision. Take a break from this problem and learn to enjoy each other. This will give more benefit than any worries and thoughts about housing.

If the process is too long, and, try starting from afar. Don't think that men are stupid. Many girls think that they do not understand the hints, although in fact they just pretend that they do not notice the obvious things. Try casually asking about how he feels about living together before marriage. You can come up with some ridiculous story that happened to a girlfriend in which he could recognize himself.

He will definitely understand what you are getting at, but he can pretend that he does not understand. It even works for you. The conversation will pass, but thoughts on this topic will remain, your desires will become clear to your partner. Don't be afraid to be obvious, speak your mind about "some other girlfriend situation." Do not worry that you will be accused of too superficial allusions.

You convey the thought that excites you. Talking with your soulmate is necessary so that it does not turn into something global, leading to parting. It is sometimes difficult for both partners to do this. Excessive can lead to scandal, mutual recrimination or disagreement of another kind. Don't get personal.

If you observe all the signs that a man does not want to talk about this topic, she frankly annoys him - talk about something else, step back. No need to convince, talk about your own and say how others are doing the right thing. You have conceived the seed and that is quite enough for this moment. You will return to this conversation a little later, but you can already be more frank. Doesn't have to be hinted at.

Well, in order to tedious waiting did not go in vain, while I advise you to read the book of a famous psychologist Natalia Tolstoy " Men's secrets, which you need to know before you live together happily ever after".

That's all for me. Before see you soon and good luck. Don't forget to subscribe to the newsletter. All for now.

Many girls, having heard from guy: "Come on, let's try to live together to see if we are suitable for each other!" they immediately agree, mistakenly believing that the beloved offers her to become his wife. Meanwhile, 85% of men living in a civil marriage consider themselves single. In most cases, men, having lived for several years with a girl, never make her an offer to marry. To all the hints of an unofficial wife to formalize the marriage legally, they answer: "I'm not ready yet!", "Come on, let's wait a little more!", "Why is this necessary, we are already married," etc.

Years pass in some children are already growing up, and the man still does not want to become a legal husband and father. The woman understands that she is unlikely to be able to force him to put a stamp in his passport and no longer reminds him of his marriage, but she does not feel happy next to such a husband. After all, the fact that a man does not want to marry officially says only one thing - he is afraid of responsibility. A real man, having learned that the woman is expecting a child from him, immediately invites her to marry him, even if he doubts the sincerity of his love for his unofficial wife. For the sake of the well-being and happiness of his child, he is ready to sacrifice freedom and the opportunity to meet the love that he still hopes to find.

If within one year of marriage man never offered to formalize the relationship, then the chances that he will marry is less than 10%. You can, of course, get pregnant from him this year, and he marries for the sake of the child's happiness, but this is unlikely to bring happiness to the girl. Therefore, when a guy offers to live together, you should not agree if you are not sure:

That you love him, want to improve his life, and are ready to help him in everything. If you only like a young man, and you hope to improve your life faster by moving to his apartment and leaving forever the housing where you are already quite tired of living, then it is undesirable to start living together.
- that your boyfriend loves you for who you are. If you met a guy only in restaurants, cinemas and other entertainment enterprises, where you looked at 100, and in dressing gown and without makeup, he has never seen you, then first invite him to your place and appear before him in natural beauty. You must be sure that you will be the most beautiful and desirable for him under any circumstances, even during illness.
- that he is pleased to be in your company, he is drawn to you. If you meet once a week and the guy claims that he has very little free time, so he offers to live together, then this raises doubts about his love for you. When a guy truly loves, there are no barriers for him to see his beloved girl every day.
- that your boyfriend has no flaws. If you don’t like much about your boyfriend’s behavior and lifestyle, and you hope to re-educate him while living together, then you better not move in. No one can re-educate an adult person when you truly love a person, his shortcomings are invisible.

That cohabitation is not only romantic dinner, declarations of love and regular sex, and daily cooking, ironing, cleaning and laundry. If you think that a man should bring you breakfast in bed every day and carry you in his arms, because you are his "queen", then you are unlikely to be able to live together for more than 3 months.
- that you are ready to lead a general family budget. If you think that a man should provide for the whole family, and you will spend your salary only on yourself, then this means that you want to put your problems on someone else's shoulders, and are not ready for serious relationship. A separate family budget sooner or later leads to a break in relations, just like a woman who loves to squander her husband's money.

What are you interested in together, you have many common hobbies. If, left alone with a guy, you are often bored and you don’t even have to talk about anything, then your union is big mistake. Common hobbies, mutual understanding and interest in each other's lives are very important for creating strong relationships.
- that the guy has a separate apartment or financial opportunities to rent an apartment. In no case should you agree to live with a guy in an apartment or house with his parents. The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, if they live together under the same roof, always leaves much to be desired. Do not expect that you will become a rare exception. The mother-in-law will turn her son against you, and he will come to the conclusion that his mother was right when she persuaded him not to bring you to live with them before the wedding.

In any case, the fact that boy offers to live together, and plans to marry later, indicates his desire to retain the right to leave the relationship with you at any time without any financial obligations and the status of "was married." And the fact that the girl agrees to live with a guy before marriage indicates that she is not sure of his love for herself and is afraid of losing him. We are not going to condemn anyone for wanting to be happy.

Every person in his youth makes his own mistakes, and the girl who answered the guy's offer to live together with "Yes!" is just one of them. It's just that her mind is not able to drown out the emotions that overwhelm her. It is quite possible that after a while she will greatly regret it, but now it is better not to forbid her from making her mistakes. After all, how many single women blame their parents for the rest of their lives that they once did not allow her to leave home in order to try to live with a guy who did not want to marry yet.

Hello dear readers of the blog Samprosvetbulletin!

« The man does not call for marriage, but offers to live together. I'm confused and now I'm thinking whether to live civil marriage or refuse? He says that he is not against marriage, but first we must live together and see how everything goes, that it’s better for me, in case I don’t like something. Many of my friends live for several years without a receipt in anticipation of the promised wedding. Maybe I’m just winding myself up and there’s nothing wrong with moving in and living together, but cats are “scratching” in my soul. Why didn’t he propose to me, maybe he doesn’t love me that much? I, help put everything in its place, ”- writes Margarita.

“My beloved offers me to live together and the question is before me: should I live in a civil marriage? Maybe this is right, at first just move in and check, but, on the other hand, I was hurt that he did not call for marriage. He said that the stamp in the passport is not important. I do not know what to do. I love him very much and don’t want to lose him, but I didn’t imagine it like that, ”- Julia writes.

In Russia, according to Family Code only registered marriages are recognized. In marriage, responsibility before the law is fixed, relations go beyond the framework of a private agreement and acquire legal certainty with appropriate guarantees. When registering a marriage, the couple announces to society about their relationship and receives the appropriate rights, it becomes possible to represent their family in front of society, speaking on its behalf, having an official status.

Unregistered cohabitation in Russia is called "civil marriage". This form of relationship occurs in two versions.

Two options for unregistered cohabitation

1) As an alternative traditional marriage . In this case, unregistered cohabitation differs from marriage only in the absence legal registration. Although in some Western countries premarital unregistered cohabitation or partnership is a recognized and legally enshrined social institution.

2) As a "trial marriage", preliminary stage before marriage to check compatibility. A trial marriage differs from a civil marriage in that it does not last long, the marriage is concluded or the partners diverge. It happens that a woman successively enters into several unformed trial marriages, harboring hopes for more long term relationship, practically living in serial polygamy before meeting a reliable partner and getting married.

Research shows that women often misinterpret the meaning of unregistered cohabitation. Most of them think something like this: "we are on the right way, it will lead to something more ... ". While a man thinks: “Now I can sleep with her every night, I have more order in the apartment, dinner is ready for me, it’s convenient for me and it works!” This is of course an exaggerated generalization and there are exceptions. But perhaps some women will recognize their situation here.

Unregistered cohabitation - preparation for marriage?

The most common arguments in favor of unregistered cohabitation are compatibility checks, preparation for marriage, lack of coercion - everything rests on trust, and not on a passport stamp.

There is a myth that if you live together before marriage, it will increase the chances for and after marriage. Studies have shown that the experience of an unregistered cohabitation does not affect the success of a subsequent marriage and does not provide any guarantees for the future, even if, in the opinion of the partners, their compatibility has been tested.

In fact, the real preparation for marriage does not take place in premarital cohabitation, but in parental family. IN family psychology the presence of a parental family, a positive experience of relations with brothers and sisters is considered as one of the important conditions future marriage success. For more information on the factors affecting the fate of marriage, see.

Marriage requires certain abilities, which are formed in the parental family.

This is the ability:
- to communication;
- take care of loved ones;
- cooperate;
- sympathize;
- to be tolerant, condescending and kind;
- empathize and penetrate the emotional world of another person;
- find spiritual unity;
- accept a person with all his oddities and shortcomings;
- Suppress your selfishness.

Portrait of people prone to unregistered cohabitation

Behind the unwillingness to legalize the relationship may be hiding the uncertainty associated with the experienced psychological trauma, for example, it can be treason, the death of a loved one, deceit, problems in intimate life. In addition, a person may try to protect himself from unforeseen circumstances. The very attempt to test the relationship suggests that people do not fully accept each other, they are not ready to take on obligations, they are not ready to bear responsibility. A skeptical attitude towards the registration of marriage may be associated with negative examples in the parental family, among relatives and acquaintances.

It has been found that people who choose unregistered cohabitation may have some of the following characteristics:
1) liberal attitudes;
2) origin from successful families;
3) poor school performance in childhood;
4) both traditional male and female character traits are equally manifested in the character;
5) good ability to communication;
6) the ability to withstand the pressure of social norms;
7) the presence of socio-economic reasons that make unregistered cohabitation a more convenient option.

Living with a man while waiting for a wedding?

Whether you live with a man in an unregistered cohabitation or not is your choice. If you do not want to live together without registering a marriage, but go for it so as not to lose a man, tell him about it. Living with a man while waiting for his proposal or the preparations for the wedding may not be as pleasant as you imagine. Try to be realistic and don't attach meanings to the man's words that he doesn't put into them. If they don’t propose to you, but offer to live together, then they see you only as a friend. If you were made an offer, and you moved in together before marriage, but a year or two passed, and “things are still there,” then the man actually did not fulfill his intention, and made you an offer formally in order to provoke cohabitation.

I know that some women, out of fear, agree to "civil marriage", have children, get used to a certain way of life. On the one hand, they are afraid to break everything, and on the other hand, they cannot put up with the uncertainty and unwillingness of a man to register a relationship. Someone still waited a few years later for the wedding, and everything seems to be fine, but a sediment remains in the soul, which lies like a burden on the heart. Someone is still tormented and cannot make a choice whether to leave or remain in the role of a concubine.

Therefore, it is important to prioritize correctly from the very beginning. If you want marriage, take courage and honestly tell the man that it is possible for you to live together only in marriage, that the position of a cohabitant will be unbearable for you, no matter how it is called - a girlfriend, civil wife, partner. In such situations, is checked. Some women think that it is more important to make concessions. But there are many women who honestly told a man about their attitudes, views on life, were understood, received an offer and began to live together already in marriage. It's okay to have your own beliefs, attitudes, principles and openly talk about it.

If you still decide to move in with a man, seriously consider this step. Discuss with him how you will live, what personal space each will have, what you will do if one of you decides to leave. Discuss openly everything that worries you and much will fall into place, you will understand what living together with a man can bring you.