Psychology of relations of spouses in marriage, crises of family life. Psychology of relationships in marriage. Marriage as a psychological relationship

How happy the young people are at the wedding, how happy they are that they met each other. Everyone wishes them: “Advice and love!” And the people who lived together say: “Patience to you!” Young - again: "Love you, love!" And those who have already lived: “Patience to you!”

It always surprised me at a wedding. “What kind of patience are they talking about? - I thought, - Love, love! And so I want those couples who create a family to be happy. So I want their happiness to be preserved for life.

Have I seen such families? I saw! And not only in photographs of the royal family. It is possible, but it has become rare. Why? Not ready. We now very often have the following attitude: “Take everything from life! Make the most of today! Don't think about tomorrow."

Family is something else. The family presupposes sacrificial love. It involves the ability to listen to another person, to sacrifice something for the sake of another. This goes against the grain of what the media is now suggesting. Now the maximum that is said: "they began to live and make good." And that's it. Good to live! How to treat family life to each other? Unclear. We'll see how it goes.

Why does a young family begin to fall apart? What is she facing, what are the challenges?

Trying out new statuses

Before marriage, during the so-called "conquering period", young people are always in a good mood, look good, smile, and are very friendly. When they have already signed, they see each other every day as they are in real life.

I remember how one psychologist said this: "It is impossible for a person to walk on his toes all his life." In the premarital period, he walks on tiptoes. But in the family, if a person walks on tiptoes all the time, sooner or later his muscles will cramp. And he will still be forced to stand on his full foot, start walking as usual. It turns out that after marriage, people behave as usual, which means that not only the best things begin to appear in our character, but also the bad that, unfortunately, happens in our character, which we ourselves would like to get rid of. And at this moment, when a person becomes real, and not like standing in a shop window, some difficulties arise.

But it is not normal for a person to always be in a blissful state. That is, loving people begin to see each other in different states: in joy, in anger, and looking great, and not very much. And it happens in a rumpled bathrobe, and it happens in sweatpants. If used to be a woman always looked beautiful, then after marriage, in the presence of her husband, she begins to induce beauty and the like. That is, those things that were previously hidden became visible. There is irritation, and in a sense, disappointment. Why was there a fairy tale before, and now gray everyday life has come? But that's okay! There was simply no need to create castles in the air.

Now you need to understand, to accept a person completely as he is. With its advantages and its disadvantages. At the moment when a person begins to show not only his virtues, but also his shortcomings, new roles of husband and wife appear. And this state is completely new for a person who has just entered into a marriage union. Of course, before marriage, before marriage, each person imagined what kind of husband or wife he would be, what kind of father or mother he would be. But this is at the level of mere ideas, ideals. Being married, a person behaves as it turns out. And compliance with the ideal is either obtained or not obtained. Of course, not everything works out in the best way from the very beginning.

For clarity, I will give an example. One woman said very wisely: “There is no such person who would get on figure skates for the first time and immediately go and begin to perform complex elements.” Well, that doesn't happen. He will definitely fall and fill bumps. It's the same with starting a family. People entered into an alliance and immediately became the best husband and wife in the world. That doesn't happen. You still have to endure pain, and fall, and cry. But you have to get up. That's life. This is fine.

The husband is expected to behave differently than the groom. And the wife is also expected to behave differently than the bride. Please note that even the manifestation of love should be different in the family from the manifestation of love in premarital relationships. Answer this question for yourself - if the groom puts a bouquet of flowers to his bride before marriage, climbing up the drainpipe to the third floor, how will this be perceived by other people? “Wow, how he loves her, he just lost his head from love!” Now imagine that the husband who has the key to this apartment does the same. He climbs up to the third floor to put a bouquet of flowers. In this case, everyone will say: "He's kind of strange." In the second case, this will be perceived not as a virtue, but as an oddity of his thinking. Think if he is sick.

It would seem a trifle, how to present a bouquet of flowers. But the expectations from the groom and from the husband are completely different. Why? Yes, because love is something in marriage, it is completely different. Here everything is more serious, more demanding, tolerance, prudence, calmness should be shown much more. Completely different qualities are expected. Returning to the original question, premarital relationships and the beginning of family life are completely different stages in the life of a family. But the beginning of a family, it seems to me, is more interesting, because this is already real life. Premarital relations are a preparation for a fairy tale, and family life is already a fairy tale beginning. Which will be happy or unhappy, but it's up to you.

The difference between a man and a woman in understanding love and family

A man and a woman feel differently at the very beginning of family life. Many women have a desire to maintain the style of premarital relations, so that a man always compliments them, gives them flowers, gifts. Then she believes that he truly loves her. And if he does not give gifts, does not say compliments, a suspicion arises: "Probably fell out of love." And the young wife begins to peer into him, to ask questions. And the man does not understand why the woman is so restless, what happened.

When psychologists began to study this issue, it turned out that at any stage in the development of a family, it is important for a woman that a man say something good and kind to her. A woman is so arranged that she needs verbal support. And men are more rational. And when men are asked about the faded feelings, they are surprised, and most say so: “But we signed, the fact is. After all, this is the most important proof of love. It's clear, what else is there to say?

That is, a different approach for men and women. A woman needs proof every day. And so the man does not understand what happens to her every day. But after all, it doesn’t cost him anything to bring and give a flower. And the woman will blossom after that, the mountains will turn! It is important to her, but the man does not reach. One man said that when a woman gets angry, he does not attack her, but says to her: “Despite the fact that you are angry, I still love you. You are so beautiful!” What happens to the woman? She melts and says, "It's impossible to talk seriously with you." You just need to feel each other and say the necessary words. Since a woman is more emotional, you need to give her this emotional support.

They began to look further, and it turned out that even the very concept of “love and be together” is understood by a man and a woman in different ways. There is such a family of psychologists, husband and wife Kronik. They explored how men and women understand what it means to be together. When concluding a marriage, a man and a woman say: “I marry for love. I love this person. And I want to always be with him.” It would seem that we speak the same language, we pronounce the same thing. But it turns out that a man and a woman put different meanings into these words. Which?

The first and most common. When a woman says "to love and be together", her representation can be depicted in the form of the following model. If you draw circles (they are called Eller circles): one circle and inside it a shaded second circle. This is what it means for a woman to be together. She tries to be in the center of the life of her beloved man. Such women often say: "I love you so much that if you are not in my life, then it loses its meaning." This is the same type of relationship when a woman in family life begins to cry or runs to a psychologist. She doesn't understand what's going on. “But we agreed to be together,” she says.

If you look from an Orthodox point of view, the law is violated here: in the Gospel it is written "Do not make an idol for yourself." This woman makes her husband not just a husband and a loved one, she puts him above God. She says to him, “You are everything to me.” This is a violation of the spiritual law!

From a psychological point of view, such a woman takes the role of a mother in these relationships, and makes a child out of her husband. She re-educates her husband to the level capricious child. “Watch how I cook. You have porridge, you have soup. Look how good I clean. How about this or this? You only love me! And let me rock you, I'll sing a song. And the man gradually from the head of the family becomes a child. Who would refuse to be carried in their arms?

Several years pass, and the woman begins to scream: “I gave you my whole life, and you are ungrateful!” “Listen,” the man says, “I didn’t ask you to do this.” And he is absolutely right. She grabbed him in her arms, carried him, and then burst into tears. Who is to blame here? A man should be the head of the family, and the wife should behave in such a way that he feels like the Head. She should not raise a capricious child out of him. You have to know how to love!

The second type of family, common in godless Russia, depicted with the help of Eller's circles. One shaded circle. Style "do not leave a step from me, and I will not leave you." This family is like a prison. Once, in a student sketch, one student described this situation as follows: the wife, as it were, says to her husband, “To the leg, to the leg!” She says this to the head of the family, her husband! But he's not a dog! Why "to the foot"? At the same time, the woman comes to family counseling and says: “You know, I suffer so much, and he is so ungrateful. He doesn't appreciate me at all! At the same time, she sincerely believes that she is suffering. And she does not understand that her strongest love is for herself. The attitude towards the husband is humiliating, not as to the head of the family, but as to the one to whom you can say “Silence!” and "To the foot!"

The next version of love and interpretation of the concept of "being together." This option is the most normal and humane. If you depict relationships as wedding rings, they will overlap each other a little. That is, the husband and wife are together, but not like in the second case, when the family is like a prison. Here the woman understands that her husband is an independent person, he has the right to his experiences, his actions. They do not always have to walk toe to toe and look in one direction, there must be respect for each other, trust. If a man is not at home for some time, this does not mean that he is doing something indecent. No need to tell him “Where have you been? .. And now again, but honestly!” There must be a certain freedom, trust in each other. And a woman feels more comfortable, comfortable when a man is not always in front of her eyes. I want to pay attention, love is still giving another person the opportunity to do something without you. From this, the other person does not become a stranger, from this he grows up, he gains new information, his life becomes richer. A person communicates at his work, he reads books that he likes. Having processed all this, he becomes more interesting in the family, becomes more mature.

Now let's see how men understand what it means to be together. It turned out that the most common option is the following. If you draw two circles, then they will be at a distance from each other, and will be united by something in common: basically, a man and a woman are united by their place of residence (apartment). What does it mean? The man is more independent. He needs more freedom in life. This does not mean that he is not a domestic person. A man appreciates family life very much. He just needs a normal environment in the family. He does not need a hysterical wife, rushing about, who sees her life in raising her husband as a student. He doesn’t need the one who reproaches all her life, and then says, “Why don’t you appreciate me?”

This misunderstanding between a man and a woman, when they understand differently what “being together” means, is felt especially sharply in the first year of marriage. Because of this, women suffer more often. Therefore, I turn to them. If a man is not always in front of your eyes, do not take it as a tragedy. Moreover, a man must necessarily assert himself at work. If he asserts himself in work, in his profession, he becomes much softer in the family. If something does not work out for him at work, then he behaves tougher in the family. Therefore, do not be jealous of his work. This is also a mistake. Husband and wife should not breathe in and out at the same time. And in life, too, everyone should have their own rhythm, but they should be together. Unity should occur at the level of trust and respect for the other person.

I sometimes suggest to some women: “Imagine that a man would tell you trouble from morning to evening, teach you something from morning to evening.” Such things never occur to women. Women do not understand at all that she is not a teacher in the family, and her husband is not a loser. Quite the contrary: he is the head of the family, and she should be his assistant. Teaching him is not according to the commandments, it is a violation of spiritual laws.

There are physical laws and there are spiritual ones. Both those and others are God's. Both those and others are not cancelled. There is a law of universal earth gravity. A stone is thrown, it must fall to the ground. A heavy stone is thrown, it will hit very hard. The same is true of spiritual laws. Whether we know them or not, they still work. The elders write that "The dominion of a woman over a man is a blasphemy against God," theomachism. If a woman does not behave according to the commandments, she will suffer. Women, beware! Start acting like you're supposed to. Everything will come to life and line up as it should.

Monotone

In the first year of family life, there is such a difficulty as monotony. If, before marriage, they met occasionally with each other, there were dates, and at that time both were in high spirits, everything was festive. In family life, it turns out that they see each other every day. And they already see everyone, and in good mood, and in bad, they see ironed, ironed and not ironed at all. As a result of monotony, monotony, emotional fatigue accumulates. You have to learn how to celebrate. Just drop everything and go out of town together. Another environment, nature, and you both calmed down. Just a change of mind. And when people return from such a trip, everything is already different. Many problems no longer seem as global as before, and everything is simpler. The most important thing is that it be together, and that they rest together, throw off this monotony, get rid of the monotony.

Minor hypertrophy

As a result of monotony, emotional fatigue sets in, the so-called “hypertrophy of small things” begins. That is, trifles begin to annoy.

A woman is annoyed that a man, returning home, does not hang his jacket on a coat hanger, but throws it somewhere. Another woman is annoyed that toothpaste they squeeze out not in the middle, but from above or below (that is, not where she is used to). And it starts to irritate to a nervous chill. A man also begins to annoy some things. For example, why is she talking on the phone for so long. And before marriage, it touched him. “Wow, how sociable she is, how they love her, how many people are drawn to her, and she chose me.” In marriage, the same thing irritates to a nervous tremor. “What can you talk about for so many hours on the phone? he asks. - No, you tell me - about what? When married couples come for a consultation, you see that they are not ready for a compromise, they can hardly restrain themselves physically. Husband and wife often turn to each other with the question: “Do you understand that these are trifles? Well, if it's not that important, why is it so hard for you to give in to me?"

First, the attitude that someone else has to realign for me is not a smart attitude. Even in ancient times, people said, "If you want to be happy, be happy." This does not mean that the whole world should be rebuilt for the sake of our convenience. There must be elementary patience and self-control. Well, what difference does it make how the man squeezed out the paste? It's not a global tragedy that he hung his clothes on a chair and not on a hanger. You can react differently without getting hysterical.

What else is starting to happen? There is a need to run a business. If earlier at home it was possible to do nothing, or to do occasionally, because you were a child, now everything turned out differently. Previously, they told you: “You will gain more in life, you can rest for now.” And when families are created, the classic version is as follows: a young wife can only boil an egg or potatoes, fry scrambled eggs, heat cutlets, and the husband can do about the same thing. Is it readiness for family life? The elementary preparation of dinner becomes a feat. Remember the movie, Munchausen says "Today I have a feat on my schedule"? Then everything in the family becomes a feat. Even simple cooking. Everything used to be done by my mother, but then some duties fell. It is very annoying if you are not ready, if you are used to using it.

What to do in this situation? Grow up! Rebuild! You need to make an effort on yourself. It's elementary, if you remember the stage when children move from kindergarten to school, and they have new responsibilities, new lessons, it takes so much time to prepare. Well, that's why they don't drop out of school! Learn, go further and further.

Just laugh at this little thing, turn everything into a joke. This is on the one hand. On the other hand, go towards each other. This is not such a global problem, because you can listen to another person. This is the most reasonable. There is a phrase - "I will die, but I will not worship." Well, why die standing when it's so easy to come up and hang your jacket in Right place if it is so annoying to another person, especially a loved one? After all, he will be grateful to you, and the evening will turn out to be happier and there will be no scenes. The same for a woman. If she feels that her husband is annoyed by her long conversations on the phone, she must give in to him.

Who is the head of the family or to Caesar - Caesar's

In the first year, it is determined who will be the head of the family. Husband or wife? Very often, women who marry for love begin their family life by pleasing their husband. It is so natural: when you love, to do good to another person. Many women are carried away. They begin to behave in the spirit of “I will do everything myself. After all, the main thing is that you feel good.” If you need to clean up, of course, she herself. To the store? No need, she's on her own. If the husband offers help, immediately “no need, no need, I myself.” If a man starts to decide something, a woman also tries to take an active part “but I think so”, “let's do as I say”. She, simply put, does not understand at this moment that she is unconsciously (and sometimes consciously) trying to take on the role of the head of the family.

A lot of women who get married behave the same way at a wedding, when the newlyweds are supposed to bite off a piece of the loaf. They try so hard to bite off more. They shout to her: “Bite more!” And the woman tries to swallow to the maximum. According to the Moscow proverb: "The wider you open your mouth, the more you bite off." So they try to open their mouth wider, up to a dislocation. They do not even know that a family tragedy begins here. This is the beginning of family pain in several generations. Why? It is normal for a man when he is the head of the family (whether he understands it or not). The woman is weak. The man himself is more rational, cold-blooded, calm. He has a different mindset. Women are more emotional, we feel more, but we capture more in breadth and not in depth. Therefore, the family council should be in the family: one takes more in width, the other in depth. One is more at the level of a cold mind, the other is at the level of the heart, feelings. Then there is fullness, warmth, comfort.

If a woman, without realizing it, intercepts the role of a leader from a man, the following happens: she changes, loses her femininity, becomes masculine. Pay attention, a woman in love and loving can be seen from afar. She is very gentle, the embodiment of femininity and motherhood, calm, peaceful. If we take emancipated modernity, then in many families matriarchy now reigns, in which the woman is the leader of the family. Why?

Very often, women come for a consultation and say, “Yes, where can I get them, real men. I would love to marry someone like that, but where can I find him?” When you start to analyze the situation, it turns out that with her attitude to life and her behavior, only the man who will shut up and step aside can survive with her without a heart attack. Because someone has to be sane. He thinks: “I’d better keep quiet, because she can’t be shouted down.” She shouts to him: “What kind of husband are you ?!” And he was simply already deaf from her scream. “Yes, here I am. Calm down. You see that you are not alone. Just you feel that you are a woman.

A woman should be feminine, soft and not hysterical. It must radiate warmth. The task of a woman is to keep the hearth. But what kind of guardian is she, if it is a tsunami, a typhoon, a small Chechen war within the family territory? A woman needs to come to her senses, remember that she is a woman!

Women ask me the question “What should I do if he does not take on the role of head?” Firstly, I must say that we do not prepare boys for the role of the head of the family. It was earlier, before 1917, that the boy was told: “When you grow up, you must become the head of the family, you will answer to God, as your wife was behind you (she is a weak vessel). You will answer how the children felt behind your back (they are small, after all). You will have to answer to God what you have done so that they all feel good.” They told him: “You are a protector! You must protect your family, your homeland." Orthodoxy teaches us that there is no higher honor than laying down one's life for one's friends. It's an honor! Because you are a man. And now they say: “Yes, you think! Do you want to join the army? You will die there! Are you crazy or something?!” Now they are brought up in the spirit: “You are still small, you still have to live for yourself.”

And this “little one” creates a family. And everything would be fine, he could become the head of the family if there was a feminine woman nearby. Nearby there should be a wife who was brought up in Orthodox traditions, who knows that her task is to be such a wife that she would want to return to her house, because she is there, because she is kind and loving, and not shy away from her with the words “Lord have mercy. She should be such a mother that the children can come to her for help, and not run away from her, seeing how she bad mood. She should be the hostess so that it would not be a feat for her to cook food. You see, when a man marries a feminine woman, the family structure is different. And in a family with an emancipated woman, the following situation often occurs. She says: “Last time you did not listen to me, and it turned out badly. So be smart, listen to me now! Haven't you realized yet that you're complete (knock-knock-knock) compared to me?"

When I studied at the institute, our teacher once said: “Girls, remember for the rest of your life: a smart person and clever woman- it's not the same thing. Why? A smart person has erudition, extraordinary thinking. A smart woman does not stick out her intellect when communicating, especially in a family. She tries to carefully find the very solution, the softest, most painless, which would suit everyone in the family, to help her husband, and so that everything is peaceful and calm. Many of our women do not behave smartly. They go on a frontal attack, they act like wrestlers in the ring, women's boxing starts. What does a man do? He steps aside. "If you want to fight, well, fight."

The Moscow psychologist (God rest her soul) Florenskaya Tamara Alexandrovna said a wonderful phrase: “In order for a husband to be a real man, you must become a real woman yourself.” We must start with ourselves. This, of course, is difficult, but without this, a real man will not work nearby. When a woman is constantly torn and hysterical, a man tries to step aside so as not to go deaf.

It's so simple. When a woman catches her breath and begins to change, at first the man tensely waits for the usual scenes, begins to ask: “Are you all right?” But then, when it really changes, then the husband finally begins to behave like a man, because he is given the opportunity to behave not like a whipping boy, but like a real man. And then, because the parents behave like a normal husband and wife, and the children calm down. Peace comes to the family, everything falls into place.

Some women say, “How can I act like a helper? I can't! Neither my grandmother nor my mother behaved like this. I've never seen this before my eyes."

Really, how? Everything is trite and very simple - it is not necessary to stick out your “I” and put it at the forefront, but simply love the other and take care of it. Then the heart begins to tell.

For example, a woman says, “Here I am discussing family issues with him, but still I make the right decision. Why lie then? Why waste time on this? This is how an intelligent person behaves, but an unintelligent woman, because she is digging a grave for her family. She seems to be saying: “I don’t see you point-blank. What did someone say? Are you? What did you squeak there?

Is this how they behave with the head of the family? Here, for example, one very smart woman answers my question: “How do you talk to your husband?” She says: “I will tell you the options that came to my mind, but the decision is up to you. You are the head." She told him how she sees the situation, and he makes the decision. And it is right!

I understand it's hard to say. A modern woman is more likely to break, and will act on the principle of "I will die, but I will not bow down." And the family is falling apart.

It is normal for a woman to turn to a man for advice. And the man begins to get used to the fact that he is in charge, what will be asked of him. When there are children, it is normal to say to the child: “Ask dad. As he says, so be it. After all, he's our boss."

When the children are naughty, it’s right to say: “Quietly, dad is resting. He was at work. Let's be quiet." These are trifles, but it is from them that a happy family is formed. This must be learned to do. This is how a smart woman behaves, the keeper of the hearth. Next to such a woman, a man from an inexperienced boy becomes the head. It is such a family, according to a survey of sociologists and psychologists, that is strong, because everything is in its place.

The relationship of a young family with relatives

Family psychologists who have studied so many young families have come to the conclusion that it is better to live separately from their parents. With modern upbringing, if a young family begins to live separately, it does not affect how they master their roles as painfully as if they lived with their parents.

I'll explain why. Modern people are very infantile. Very often, people who create families, they are still determined to be children, so that mom and dad carry them on their hands, so that mom and dad solve their problems. If there is not enough money to help them. If you can't buy clothes, buy more clothes. If the decor isn't good enough, they can help with the furniture as well. And if there is no apartment, they should rent an apartment. This setting is selfish. Their parents, like small children, must be carried on the handles, they must be rolled in strollers. This is not right, because when you create your own family, these are two adults who may soon have their own children. They already have to carry someone on their hands. When creating a family, it is necessary in advance, before marriage, before the wedding, to think about where the young people will live. It is better to find an opportunity, try to earn money in advance. It is desirable that not at the expense of the parents, but at their own expense, at least for the first six months, rent an apartment and live separately.

Why did psychologists come to the conclusion that with modern upbringing, it is better to start family life separately? When a family is formed, young people must master the role of husband or wife. These roles must be consistent. But it doesn't work out that everything goes smoothly. And to become a good wife, a woman must feel for herself what it means to be a good wife. For her, this is still an unusual state. The same is true for a man. Being a husband is unusual, but he is the head of the family, a lot is expected of him. More recently, there was so much freedom, and now there are only responsibilities. A man needs to get used to it. Young spouses need to coordinate their actions so that communication between husband and wife is a joy. And in these painful moments, when everything does not always work out, it is better for young people to live separately. When one person after the wedding comes to another family, he must not only find a common language with this particular person. He will have to join the life of another family, in which they lived without him for a very long time. long years. For example, consider the relationship in the classroom when a new student arrives. Everyone had been together for a long time, and then a new one came. At first, everyone looks at him. And it happens, like in the movie "Scarecrow". If a person is different from others, then repressive measures will necessarily begin against him, he will be tested for strength. See how he behaves. Why? He is different, and we need to see how much we can find a common language with him.

The Japanese even have a saying: "If a nail sticks out, it is driven in." What does she mean? If a person stands out in some way, they try to fit him to the general standard so that he becomes like everyone else. It turns out that a person who has come to another family, in which all relations have already developed, experiences more difficulties. He has to build relationships not only with one person, husband or wife, but also with other relatives. He is no longer equal, it is more difficult for him.

When young people get married, they look at each other and think that the family is two people. And there are still numerous relatives, and everyone has their own idea of ​​​​how to behave with this family: what time to come to visit them and leave, in what tone to talk, how often to interfere. And these problems with new relatives are quite painful.

How are today's youth behaving? Very often she was brought up in a system of democracy, in the values ​​of universal equality. Elderly people have lived their lives, they have a rich experience. What is the equality here? What a familiar pat on the shoulder? There must be respect for adults! But even adults now have their distortions. It is written in the Gospel that "and a man will leave his father and his mother, and the two will become one flesh." A person must leave his parents. They have the right to intervene in the life of a child when he does not have his own family. When he has his own family, he is, as they say, "a cut piece." The family must make their own decision family council. Climbing up to them so actively with advice is not allowed.

Especially often there are problems when a mother interferes in the life of a young family. A man, unlike a woman, rarely intervenes in the family of his child. What is the mother's mistake? The only mistake is that it helps incorrectly. Help, of course, is needed, but not at the level of humiliation and reproaches. The same thing can be said at the level of a reprimand, a public slap in the face. And the same can be said very carefully, one on one. "Daughter, I wanted to talk to you." When it is said with love, the heart always responds. When this is said with the wrong inner attitude, the person starts to reject. We must learn to help another person. Not at the level of the sovereign, who beats with a whip, but at the parental level, having many years of experience behind her and instructing them, fledgling chicks, helping with advice. They will definitely listen!

And another feature: very many young people now, when they are creating families, begin to call their new parents not “mother” and “dad”, but by their first name and patronymic. Their motivation is as follows: “Well, you know, I have a dad and a mom. And it’s hard for me to say “mom” and “dad” to strangers.” This is not true! We have official style and informal style in clothes, there are classic suit and eat home clothes. The official style also implies official communication by name and patronymic, here it is indecent to call by name. This style of communication sets the distance. If in a family where there are close relationships, communication takes place at the level of an official reception, then a distance immediately appears. And then the question: why do they treat me with arrogance? It's okay to call your new parents "mom" and "dad" if you're well-bred. “Mommy”, “daddy”, and the answer will be involuntarily - “daughter” or “son”. As it comes around, so it will respond. There is such a law in psychology: if you want to change your attitude towards yourself, change your attitude towards this person. We must feel with the heart of another person.

This is very difficult. Many women in consultations say: “He has such a mother! It's impossible to bear it. Why should I love her?" You understand, if you lack so much kindness, love at least her for the fact that she gave birth and raised such a son to you. She gave birth. And she raised. And now you're married to him. For that, you should be grateful to her. Start at least with this, and the other person will feel it. Necessarily! As it comes around, so it will respond. You need to love your relatives, and not immediately arrange transformations: “I came, and now everything will be different. Here we will rearrange, here we will plant flowers, we will replace the curtains.” If this family lived in its own way, and you came to this family, you must respect it. You need to start by loving other people and learning how to give love. Do not demand, but give!

This is the task of the first year of family life. It's very hard. If a person is brought up in Orthodoxy, it is natural for him. If he was brought up in a modern way: in the spirit of “live, take everything from life”, then these are continuous problems. As a result, the first year ends, and you think, “Before that, life went on calmly, like in a fairy tale. And there are so many problems. Let's get divorced." And people get divorced without realizing that family life can be very happy, you just have to work hard, and then the return can be huge. If at the very beginning of family life this sprout is broken off, then there will be a point, thorns for the rest of your life. That is, you need to let the family get stronger, gain strength so that it gives you warmth.

This painful moment of the formation of a family is common. For example, a baby learns to walk, he gets up and falls, gets up and falls. But this does not mean that now he should not learn to walk. A young family, she also learn to walk. But there is such a feature. When a baby learns to walk, it is necessary that an adult stands nearby, constantly insures, takes by the hand. In the case of a young family, they should hold each other's hand. Together, husband and wife. Psychologists recommend starting to learn to walk separately from other relatives. When they learn to walk with one foot, figuratively speaking, then it turns out that they can already move to the next step. It is possible after some time, after they have lived separately, to move to their parents. And the money that was spent on paying for an apartment can already be spent on other things.

In addition, a separate life helps young spouses grow up. I started with the fact that we have some young people, and even for the most part, when they start family life, they also have consumer attitudes. “Give it, give it, give it! I am still a child, I am still small and there is no demand from me.” But imagine if a person ended up on a desert island. Who will pay attention to whether you are small or rather big, whether you know how to cook or not? You will be forced to look around so that you can eat it, and then you will have to look for a way to cook it. After all, you will not eat raw fish, such as it was thrown ashore? You have to find opportunities, learn how to cook food, how to arrange your life. When young people begin to live separately, they seem to be on that same desert island. It depends only on them what they will eat, how they will live, how they will build relationships. It helps you grow up much faster. And infantile attitudes, such as “carry me in your arms,” must be removed. This is reasonable, and I think parents should not interfere with this. Of course, I want my children to be all right, I want to pick them up in their arms. But it's time for them to grow up. Listen to this. Of course, there are times when young people are already internally mature, when they can build their relationships while being in the family of their parents. But for most young people it is very difficult. These are additional problems.

The appearance of a child

The second stage, the second step. First year. A child appears in the family. I do not take the case of so-called "feigned" marriages (that is, when the bride is pregnant and therefore the marriage takes place). Previously, in Rus' it was considered a shame. Why? The word "bride" means - "unknown", synonyms - mystery, purity. Her clothes are white, a sign of purity. In our case, which bride is the unknown? Recently I was shown a fashion magazine for a pregnant bride. Different types of wedding dresses for pregnant brides. Simply accustom deliberately, systematically to debauchery. Previously, it was at the level of shame, but now it is in the order of things.

What happens if the bride is pregnant? The first crisis of family life is superimposed by another - the child. And the family is bursting at the seams. If you look psychologically. And if you know the spiritual laws, then things are already obvious here. The fact is that when a person lives according to the commandments of God, when he is covered with grace, everything happens by itself for him. He goes with gratitude. There is a sense of security. Feeling that God is love and He cares about each of us. When a person starts to sin… there is such a thing as “sin stinks”. The guardian angel departs because our sin stinks. Grace departs from us, we begin to suffer, to suffer. We ourselves have departed from God. We chose this path and suffer ourselves. When the bride becomes so “experienced” (and sometimes more than one man), and then she asks: “Why do I suffer so much, why do my children suffer?” Well, open the Gospel, read it!

When a child was born earlier, they prayed, asked God to send that child who would be a joy to the family, a joy to God. Now often "holiday" children are born. When people get drunk on holidays and in this state they conceive a child. And then the baby is born, and the parents ask: who did he go to, didn’t we have such a family?

Before, when a woman was carrying a child, she always prayed. She confessed often, took communion. Through this, the child is formed. The body of a woman is a house for this baby. She is cleansed, and her condition affects the child. Naturally, everything also affects the relationship with her husband, physical relationships cease. Because this is a hormonal earthquake for the baby. Why do they say "imbibed with mother's milk"? When the mother was feeding the baby, she prayed. And if a mother, while feeding, swore with her husband or watched a film of semi-pornographic content, which is now constantly shown on TV, then what is laid on the baby with mother's milk? Remember how you behaved when you carried a child and fed. And why be surprised after that?

There are no dead ends in Orthodoxy. God is absolute love and He is waiting for our repentance. Only. And as in the parable of the prodigal son, only the son returns, the father ran to meet him. “Father, I am not worthy to be called your son,” says the son, and the father runs to meet him. Here you just need to realize and repent, and repentance means correction. And repentance should not only be at the level of “now I won’t do this.” It is necessary to go to confession, to take communion. We heal then soul and body.

We often would like to cope with our strengths, but we cannot. I remember that in the Soviet period there was a slogan: "Man is the blacksmith of his own happiness." And in one newspaper I read: "Man is the grasshopper of his own happiness." Exactly! A person jumps, chirps, thinks that he is jumping high. What a blacksmith! After all, without God, man cannot do anything. Therefore, you need to go to God, repent, ask for strength, say “I have already done so much in my life, help me, fix it, I can’t, you can. Help! Wise me, direct and fix everything. You could revive four-day Lazarus when he was already a stinking corpse. You revive me, revive my family, which is already stinking, disintegrating, my children who have suffered, you help them yourself. And, of course, you need to start improving yourself. It's all possible.

What happens when a young family has a baby? They expect him and think: now everything will be fine. And it begins that they must assume the new roles of mother and father. There is a feat of motherhood and fatherhood. This love is sacrificial, you have to forget about yourself. But how can you forget about yourself? It's so hard when you're selfish. And when you love, it's not difficult at all.

When a baby is born, how is the load in the family rebuilt? Firstly, if we take the statistics, the workload for household chores sharply increases for a woman, the time for cooking is doubled. For adults, cook for a small one. And all by the hour. In addition, the time for washing increases many times over.

Further. A newborn baby should sleep 18-20 hours a day. But now in our city, and throughout Russia, only 3% of absolutely healthy babies are born. In babies, the diagnosis of "hyperexcitability" has become a traditional one. What modern baby sleeps for 18-20 hours? He cries and cries. As a result, when crying stops, a woman can fall asleep both sitting and half standing. The woman has such an emotional overload. What about the man? He thought it would be such a blessing. But it turned out to be the opposite: the wife rushes about, the child cries. And that's what family life is all about.

What happens next? An offer comes in: “Let's get a divorce? So tired! But why get divorced? You just need to grow up. A child will not be a baby all his life. In a year, he will begin to walk, grow, and then the baby has an amazing ability (up to 5 years old) to bring joy. They are such suns in the family, they are so happy with everything. "What is there to be happy about?" - we think. And they are so happy: “Mom, look at the house here, and the house here, and around the house.” And he's so happy. “Oh, mother, look at the bird!” And he is happy. For them, everything is the first time in their lives. This is a lesson for us, adults, how to get joy from everything.

Recording of the conversation - Center for the Protection of Maternity "Cradle", Yekaterinburg.

Transcription, editing, headings - website

A distance (online) course will help to find family happiness . (Psychologist Alexander Kolmanovsky)
The ship of the family crashes on the ice of selfishness ( Crisis psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky)
The family needs hierarchy Psychologist Lyudmila Ermakova)
Commitment keeps people together Family psychologist Irina Rakhimova)
Marriage: the end and the beginning of freedom ( Psychologist Mikhail Zavalov)
Does a family need a hierarchy? ( Psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky)
If you create a family, then for life ( Yuri Borzakovsky, Olympic champion)
The country of the family is a great country ( Vladimir Gurbolikov)
Apologia for marriage ( Priest Pavel Gumerov)

The psychology of relationships in marriage comes down to the question - how to behave with a partner? How to proceed in any other love relationship? "Dissolve" in a partner or keep your "I"?

If you are in emotionally connected relationships, as psychologists and family therapists put it, you run the risk of leading your marriage to a dead end, bogging down in a quagmire of troubles, dissatisfaction with yourself and your partner, putting the well-being of the family at risk. I'm not talking about whether you will be happy and whether you will keep, if not love, then at least mutual respect and sympathy. I don't think so.

What is an emotionally connected relationship?

This is when your husband comes home from work with a spoiled mood - and it also spoils for you. This is when the wife is depressed, and the husband involuntarily "tunes into her wave." She cries - he is also sad. He has failed in something - she also falls into despair.

This is COMPASSION in its most direct and destructive meaning: when you experience the same negative feeling that your beloved (beloved). Even if you personally are fine.

Instead of staying afloat together, you both drown. The paradox is that such a destructive reaction is welcomed in society, praised and taken as a model. Don't fall for this harmful hypnosis! Correct psychology relationships in marriage and true EMpathy is when you throw a Lifebuoy rather than going down together hand in hand.

Think again! Turn on your brains! Let the instinct of self-preservation take care of you! Otherwise, your couple will face the sad fate of many, many couples who have brought their marriage relationships to a critical point, when the deepest crisis sets in and requires the intervention of a specialist or a complete rethinking of the rules of the game. Getting out of the quagmire on your own is not so easy! Either common sense will prevail or destruction will prevail.

In any relationship, including in family relationships, the process of a healthy differentiation of individuals is preferable to impulsive “merging”. Cultivate your own personality next to your partner and let him cultivate his. The union of two self-sufficient people is much stronger than any kind of dependence on each other.

Don't believe the "experts" who say that erotica and great sex will make your duet durable and invulnerable. This is an important but not decisive component.

Now there are many trainings promoting "10 steps to a happy marriage" or "10 secrets of passionate love." The question is how long will happiness in marriage and passionate love last with these promising recipes? I'm afraid not for long

Living side by side, day after day, year after year, is a kind of artful marriage psychology worth learning. This is a painstaking work on oneself that deserves to be done. Remember: a person loves with soul and body. And the soul plays the FIRST violin in this tandem!

Family for many is the most important thing on earth. A warm hearth is a place where spouses yearn to find peace and tranquility. But sometimes, instead of positive and calm family life brings only mutual disappointment and anger. Why do most couples have so many problems living together? What is the reason for this a large number divorces and unhappy marriages modern society? What needs to be done to create a happy family?

Family psychology can help you understand these issues. This section of psychology studies the building of harmonious and deep relationships between members of the cell of society. First, let's understand what a family is.

What is family?

A family is a group of people related by kinship or marriage, living under the same roof, leading a common household and having a common budget. The basis of the family is usually spouses and their children. However, often young people live together with the parents of one of the partners. Each member of the family has his own duties, which he must fulfill for the sake of the common good.

What a family will be like is determined by a fairly wide range of factors. This is influenced by both the education of the spouses and their cultural level. Also of great importance is the ability of partners to understand each other, to find joint solutions in conflict situations, to show care and patience.

Some Causes of an Unhappy Marriage

Many complain that the partner with whom they started a family does not live up to their expectations. It turns out that the girl, who suffered all her childhood because her father was an evil, selfish alcoholic, married the same scoundrel. Why did it happen so? The psychology of family life claims that the foundation of such relationships is laid in childhood. It is the relationship between parents that creates in the child the image of what a marriage should be like.

So it turns out that subconsciously a person is looking for a partner similar to one of his parents, continuing an endless cycle of the same mistakes. After all, the children of such people will create their own family, based on the experience of their parents, continuing the negative traditions of their ancestors.

Another problem is that often people try to start a family without getting to know each other properly. They are driven by passion or unexpected pregnancy. But most of these families break up in the first year of marriage. Family psychology teaches that before taking a relationship to such a serious level, you need to get to know your partner properly, accept him as he is.

Love in the family

Initially, when choosing a partner, people are guided by the sexual attractiveness of a person, his external qualities. Sweet speeches of romantics about the divine nature of their feelings in most cases are a pathetic attempt to embellish harsh reality. Only after a strong emotional connection is formed between people and they properly recognize each other's inner world, love arises. Everyone says that a family is built on love, but why then do so many people suffer from a lack of warmth and mutual understanding?

The fact is that rarely a person is loved simply for what he is, accepting all his advantages and disadvantages. Usually love is given out as a reward for good deeds, with threats to deprive it if the partner does not correspond to some ideal model. The basics of family psychology is to love your partner with all his qualities, good and bad. Instead of constantly nibbling on your spouse for his shortcomings, it is better to focus on the merits, expressing your sympathy and care as often as possible.

Psychology of family life. Conflict resolution

Another problem of family life is the incorrect resolution of conflict situations. Often, serious conflicts or contradictions in the family are resolved in favor of one of the spouses or not resolved at all. This state of affairs leads to the accumulation of mutual discontent and dissatisfaction with each other. Family psychology recommends resolving disputes or conflict situations together, listening to your spouse, respecting his or her opinion. In this way, you will have the skill of working together, you will learn mutual respect and take your relationship to a new level.

Psychology. Family counseling

If problems in the family cannot be solved on their own, but there are reasons to save the marriage, then going to a family psychologist can be a good help. An outsider will be able to more objectively assess the real state of affairs than angry spouses. If you decide to turn to a specialist, then be honest with him, only then his help will have a chance of success.

It is better to consult a qualified psychologist, beware of dubious doctors practicing unscientific, suspicious methods. If you know a couple who have already been helped by a similar specialist, listen to their feedback and, if they are positive, contact the same person.

Solving problems on your own

If you do not want to wash dirty linen in public, attracting outsiders into your relationship, then there will be a need to independently clean up the psychological garbage accumulated over the years of living together. That's what family psychology is for. The family is considered in this science from all sides, hundreds of various methods have been created to strengthen marriage ties. Some of them are listed above.

Many difficult periods await every young family, but going through them together, you will only become closer to each other. The birth of children, aging, the appearance of grandchildren and many other stages of family life will pass like clockwork if mutual understanding is reached between the spouses. Solve problems that arise in marriage, instead of just postponing them. Then one day you will become a member of a harmonious and happy family. But until you have a lot of experience in living together, family psychology will come to your aid.

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Psychology of relations of spouses in marriage, crises of family life

One of the most common questions during consultations are questions about relationships with a husband or a future husband. It does not matter in what form the question is asked - prognosis, compatibility or horary, the main thing is that there are doubts about your chosen one (husband).

At the stage of selection, any person can still doubt whether it is worth choosing this or that? Is it worth building a relationship with Misha or Vasya? And when the choice has already been made, we can no longer objectively look at the situation. Human psychology is arranged in such a way that after a perfect choice, we find hundreds of confirmations why it was necessary to make this particular choice. And when a woman chooses a certain man, she often tends to ignore or ignore some inconsistencies between her image of the ideal man and the one who is with her now.

Let me remind you that collective image the partner is determined by the seventh house, ruler, planets and aspects to the ruler of the 7th. You can read in detail in the book by Konstantin Daragan and Yana Novikova "Astrology of Love and Marriage", as well as read the published chapter on the website

Already at the stage of the novel, most applicants are eliminated for various reasons. And then comes the long-awaited moment when the man asked you to marry him. And this is another turning point in your life, which dramatically changes a lot in the fate of both, as well as each of you individually. When living together with a person, one way or another, an exchange of views takes place, the beliefs, priorities and values ​​\u200b\u200bof each newlywed change. Some beliefs will inspire you, others will limit you and prevent you from growing. Although initially at the stage of courtship, this was not visible.

Relatively speaking, at the stage of courtship and candy-bouquet period we have the axis of 1-7 houses more included, as well as the 5th house. When we begin to live together, we already feel the influence of the partner’s 4th house more strongly (as it represents the order in the house and the home image in life). If you like to live clean, but without excesses, and your husband is a perfectionist and turns on cleanliness and methodically takes out your brain for every crumb on the table, then you will feel it to the fullest. Meeting somewhere in a cafe or other neutral territory, you may not immediately notice this character trait.

Mismatch of financial programs

Our second homes are also very important for marriage and for a happy life. The discrepancy between the financial programs of husband and wife is a very significant contribution to the scales in favor of divorce. It is probably not for nothing that the second house is a derivative of the eighth house from the seventh (death to relationships). For our northern latitudes, the connection of money and relationships is especially relevant with the simultaneous control of Venus or Mars by 2-7 houses, when one ruler combines two meanings of the house.

Even if there is no direct tense aspect between the rulers of the second houses in the synastry, then the conflict can be meaningful. For example, if Venus rules the 2nd house in a woman, then she is more inclined to view money as a source of pleasure. Naturally, this money (no matter how much a person earns) is worth spending everything on entertainment or spa treatments. What will not be happy about the husband, whose second house is strongly influenced by, say, Saturn. In his belief system, money should be spent wisely or saved on everything, depending on the element and aspect of Saturn. There is already a conflict of interest.

From her point of view, her husband, not allowing her to spend some amount of money, deprives her of the joy of life. In his perception, the wife spends their capital and destroys the foundation of their future comfortable life.

Here it is important to talk openly with each other, understand and develop a compromise balanced family financial management program that would satisfy the interests of both.

As a rule, financial issues are raised not in the first years of life, but later, often at the birth of the first child. There are several changes happening at once. Often a woman goes on maternity leave for a while:

1. Is changing her social status;
2. She stops earning and falls into financial dependence on her husband;
3. Often, a young family is also not mentally ready to raise a child and completely or partially change their lifestyle.

In the first case, a large-scale restructuring of goals, lifestyle, housekeeping, communications within relationships not only with her husband, but also with close relatives. In all this, a woman seeks herself and changes. Especially if before that she built a career for 10-15 years, managed a department of 20-50 people, fulfilled sales plans, and then bang and every day at home, and Phil the groundhog settles in her house for a long time and casts a shadow on many of her plans.

Children

At this stage, it is worth analyzing the significators of the fifth house of both, how they are located in natal and in synastry with each other. So if in your horoscope the ruler of the 5th strikes any other planet, then we can say that you have a potential conflict or even a problem situation in your natal.

If the lord of the 5th afflicts the lord of the 1st, then the birth of a child may somehow affect your health or you personally. If the natal aspect is still active in the prognosis at the time of childbirth, then it is much easier to get postpartum depression. Or if the ruler of the 5th is in square or opposition to the ruler of the 7th, then this is a more serious claim that during pregnancy and after the birth of a child, relations may worsen.

How Habits Help or Kill Relationships

Each of us has a lot of habits that control our thoughts, feelings and behavior. Far from always, people get along alone with themselves, not to mention the fact that in marriage they have to get used to it harmoniously and at least coexist peacefully. Especially if you are adrenaline addicted and at home or at work you strive to create stressful situations without even noticing it. The body has become accustomed over the years to a certain hormonal background and in a situation of calm, it will in every possible way encourage the brain to figure out how to provoke her husband into at least a slight conflict or quarrel.

The biggest habit in life is the habit of yourself.

We are not far behind Pavlov's dogs in this matter. And if a woman tries to manipulate and control the actions of her husband, then she roughly imagines what sequence of actions to reproduce from time to time in order to receive from her husband desired result.

Hysteria in the morning - shopping in the afternoon

My "favorite" manipulations in the lists of gross influence on a man: blackmail with sex and blackmail with children. The old trick of women to refuse her husband sex for the fact that .... (substitute your own). Few people think what is happening at this time with a man? And he develops the habit of "not wanting a wife." One way or another, sooner or later he will get used to the combination of hormones that is released into the body in a situation of a quarrel with his wife.

Approximately the same thing happens when common children are used as a shield and a club, covering their interests with the interests of children. Or openly there is a collision with the promise "where are you such a conscious and responsible father will leave your children."

Men often influence more roughly, suppress by force or money. A woman would be glad to leave, but she is afraid not to feed herself with her children. He endures until patience runs out or a man crosses an invisible line.

Another thing is that few of us are able to calculate and foresee all the options for the reaction of our husband or wife, which can lead to unplanned consequences. It worked 100 times, the 101st husband or wife reacted completely unexpectedly, breaking the pattern.

Prediction: ingressions of the rulers of the 1st and 7th houses

Most often, it is some awareness/event or an event that entails awareness. In most cases, this can be reflected in the prognosis.

Something that is easy to do on your own and on your knee.

1. View in annual directions and progressions the ingression (transition to another sign) of the rulers of the 1st and 7th houses, as well as Venus (regardless of the management of the house).
2. Aspecting by a transiting planet from Jupiter to Pluto in 1st or 7th lord

Explain with examples

Ingression of the ruler of the 1st house in directions and progressions

Suppose a man's seventh house is ruled by Venus in Gemini - he likes beautiful Mercury-like miniature girls. Here he found one with the ruler of the first house Mercury in Libra. Got married.

Some years have passed, let's say the woman's Mercury was at the beginning of Libra, and now, in the fourth year of marriage, her directional Mercury, the ruler of the ascendant, changed sign, moved into a scorpio. Along with the transition to another sign, the motivation, beliefs and interests of a woman also change. She became attracted to strength training. No matter what, the main thing is that there should be more Mars. She is happy.

What does her husband see? Or rather, what does he NOT see now in his wife? And he does not see in her that level of femininity that has always attracted him in her. In other words, the wife has ceased to correspond to the image of an ideal partner in full, as it was before. Well, if the husband in the seventh house needs a lot of "Martian energy" in his wife - "Come on, dear, press, jump with a barbell and kettlebells, don't be shy!" And if not, then the husband will intuitively start looking to try to make up for the lost Venusian energies in the woman. He can try to return his wife to the past state, which was before the ingression of the ruler of the 1st into another sign, or he can switch his attention to other women. Depending on his horoscope, how prone he is to treason.

When the lord of the 7th changes signs in directions or progressions, the native tends to reconsider his perception of marriage and relationships. For example, who has the rulers of the seventh in the fire signs of Aries, Leo and Sagittarius, then their rulers on the 7th pass into the earth signs of Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn. And the passion, romanticism and idealism of fire will subside somewhat, giving way to a more sober and practical view of the earth element.

Important point! Was the ingression of the seventh ruler before marriage or during marriage? The transition of the ruler to another sign is always significant deep changes in those houses that the planet controls - the element changes, the cross of qualities changes.

Venus Ingression

When Venus moves into other signs, the perception of relationships and the ability to feel love, pleasure, and comfort change. My favorite Venuses are in Leo and in Capricorn.

In Leo, Venus is interesting because if her transition to Virgo (as a sign of fall) falls on teenage years or later, then in the life of a woman (men are less worried about this), an event (a novel / relationship) occurs, which subsequently affects further novels and relationships. That romance (events) can instill in a person the toxic limiting beliefs inherent in Venus in Virgo. For example, perfectionism in relationships.

Venus in Capricorn is interesting in contrast - a woman can limit herself and her man to certain limits in relationships, and after ingressing into Aquarius, she can change her views on relationships and begin to relate to marriage more freely (Air).

Entry of a transiting planet from Jupiter to Pluto in the 1st or 7th house

It's simple - when a slow planet enters the 1st house, we temporarily acquire more of the qualities symbolized by this planet. For example, transit Uranus entered your first house, you, your appearance, thoughts, behavior changed and you became interesting to those whose uranium describes the ideal partner.

Pluto has entered your 7th house, you have become more attracted to Plutonian people. You are rebuilding your environment, starting with marriage. This is not always a change of partner, perhaps the partner is ideal in everything else. Moreover, when a combination of factors accumulates, it can work in the negative.

The insidious moment is that if you do not have, say, Uranus in the image of an ideal partner. And you met your husband when Uranus had just entered your seventh house. And your husband is the essence of Uranus. Then, after Uranus leaves the seventh house, moves into the 8th, there is a significant risk that you will no longer like this type of people.

"What did I find in him? Like I was under hypnosis"

Aspect from transiting planet to 1st and 7th rulers

In terms of meaning, they assume the same thing as described above, only more short-term (up to one and a half years).

If the husband left, what to do?

If your relationship has not survived one of the many crises of family life, or there has been a betrayal, or your husband has a mistress (in extreme cases second family), then very often for any woman such a situation is a powerful stress. You will again and again mentally return to the time you found out that your husband was packing up and moving out from you or leaving for another woman.

By replaying that day in your mind, that state of your brain instructs the body and body not to see the difference between the present and the past, resuming, producing the same chemistry, the same stress hormones as on that terrible day. That is, your consciousness, your body processes the emotions and feelings of the past days again and again. Women with a strong water element in the horoscope are especially predisposed to this.

Judging by experience and forums, women gather themselves anew and find strength in themselves, on average, from six months to a year. As I understand it, it depends on individual characteristics, the environment and the duration of the prognosis (for example, transit Pluto will square the natal ruler of the 7th five times. It will take a year and a half).

It is important to understand that the body this case takes on the role of captain and already gives a signal to the brain, respectively, thoughts get stuck, fixed on something negative.

The way out of this is to change your state and thoughts with the help of meditations, affirmations, beliefs and changing everyday habits. That is, by conscious work, once again take the reins of government from your body.

And the second most important thing is to choose the right environment. You may have a lot of reliable girlfriends, but not all of them can inspire faith and self-confidence in you, someone may begin to show pity. Therefore, until the moment of complete recovery, it is worthwhile to more carefully approach the choice of a circle of contacts, live or virtual.

If, in spite of everything, you want to return your husband, then there is nothing more difficult and easier - start to match his ideal image of a partner. The closer you are to him, the easier it will be for you to match. The efforts spent on reducing the difference that exists between the real you and his image, which is embedded in the subconscious, will be the price you have to pay.

astroconsalt.ru

Civil marriage, or the psychology of relations between a man and a woman...

The psychology of relations between a man and a woman depends not only on partners, but also on society, the time in which we live. Now there is a search for new forms of relationships, when various “substitutes” for traditional marriage are gaining popularity, such as guest marriage, civil marriage, swing (as an exchange of sexual partners), lovers with a husband and wife, and others. Divorces have also increased. If earlier the saying “be patient, fall in love” worked, now people are more likely to go for a divorce.

Marriage is leaving, in the future these new forms of relationships will be found, and the psychology of relations between men and women will be different. In the meantime, the marriage is still relevant. Civil marriage is trying to replace traditional marriage and is still popular.

"Slippers or marriage contract?" - different attitudes towards marriage

System-vector psychology explores the subconscious desires and mechanisms of a mental person, speaks of the presence of eight vectors that make up all the temperaments and values ​​​​of mankind in various combinations. The institution of marriage was created for us by the anal measure. Only in the anal vector is the value of marriage as we know it: monogamous, for life, with devotion, fidelity, traditions, honesty and respect.

Times are changing, we have entered the skin phase of human development. But even in this changing world, anal people strive to start a family, follow traditions and find spiritual satisfaction in this. They understand marriage as caring, spending time together, taking vacations together, and raising children. Despite the fact that the family for an anal person is the main value, they may not decide to marry for a very long time, due to their indecision, slowness, inertia. They strive to create this union for life, parting for them is a huge stress ...

Skin people approach marriage logically. If you are married (married), then from a social point of view you are more responsible, wealthy. They marry faster than the anals, smartly analyzing all the benefits and choosing the most suitable candidate, and also drawing up a marriage contract. Of course, they value their family. But care and family values ​​are understood differently. For them, the main concern for the family is the material provision of a decent lifestyle, social superiority.

The muscular psychology of relations between men and women is the desire in marriage to have children, the more the better, they “do not need stars from the sky”, the main thing is to have shelter, a communal paradise, the opportunity to work physically and eat. Everything you need is there, they are calm. This is happiness...

Urethral representatives are polygamous in nature, this is a special and big topic. Asking them to be faithful and have family picnics is like asking a cat to turn into a dog. They marry, but marriage with a urethral will never be a marriage in the usual sense of the word - such is it, the urethral vector, the dream of every woman, bursting into her life like a hurricane, but never letting her feel that she is His Woman, completely and without a trace. ..

"Get a banana"! or without details about the psychology of relations between men and women

Every relationship starts with sexual attraction. A person has basic needs, such as "eat, drink, breathe, sleep - in order to maintain the integrity of the body, and sex in order to continue oneself through time. When a man wants a woman, he is ready to do everything for this, it is the attraction and desire of a woman that gives him an incentive, a desire to earn money, strength to overcome laziness and complexes, go, strive, try to bring the "desired banana" to his beloved, waiting receiving the highest pleasure - orgasm.

The psychology of relations between a man and a woman is so simple. J Of course, there are rules for sexual attraction, formulas and various possible scenarios for these relationships. Work is also needed to build relationships and maintain those relationships. But now that's not about that...

The concept of traditional marriage is living together, maintaining a common household, giving birth and raising children. A man “produces a mammoth”, that is, earns money, a woman sleeps with him, gives the continuation of his family, gives an heir. This simple formula of living together is typical even for monkeys - "if you want sex, bring a banana!" Of course, there are many facets in marriage and not everything is so simple, but marriage is based on this: a woman marries a man who is able to provide for her, a man marries a woman who excites him.

Now the feminization of standards continues, the woman has received new rights. And now for the first time she can provide for herself, the presence of a man in her life has lost its former meaning and is not the only possible guarantor of its provision. And it changed everything! But more on that later...

Civil marriage, and the psychology of the relationship between a guy and a girl

What happens in civil marriage? What is the psychology of the relationship between a guy and a girl living together without a stamp in the passport?

Previously, there was no premarital sex, so the question of "To marry or not to marry?" did not stand - if you want a girl, get married. Now premarital sex has appeared, this cannot be denied. Marrying without first engaging in sexual relations is no longer fashionable. Time has changed.

Meetings, romance, flowers, cinema. Sex. We are called Girlfriend and Boyfriend. It's just that there are no suitable names in Russian. Lovers are usually called people, one or both of whom have families. Friend and girlfriend - also somehow does not fit. We meet, have sex, sometimes, when there is an opportunity, place, time. And for a long time, the only possible option for a woman has not worked - to leave parental home V independent life only through marriage.

An adult woman can provide for herself, live separately, invite a man to her place or come to him. A man has a desire to have sex more often, regularly - he offers the girl to move in with him, live together. The woman is tormented by the question "What to do?" - moving in with him or dating until he asks her to marry him.

What does a man get from civil marriage? - All! He gets the woman and relieves himself of responsibility if he could not provide for her and the child that appeared.

What does a woman get from civil marriage? - She's losing. Despite the particular cases of women earning more or building a career, general trends the fact that a woman still needs to be provided for and does not feel so confident in her career realization is a fact. Also, she gives birth, which imposes features and restrictions in career growth.

Her need for security and security is not satisfied in a civil marriage, there is no guarantee and legal support for a man's intentions to be wealthy, to be responsible for his decisions and actions related to "let's live together."

Living together sometimes is completely different from candy-bouquet meetings and romantic walks under the moon. There may be illness, or unemployment, or pregnancy. A man, in the case of a civil marriage, does not assume obligations to unforeseen circumstances.

What changes the "stamp in the passport"? - it completely flips the perception! Other thoughts are forming. When people decide to live together on the basis of traditional marriage, they decide to start a family. In this case, when the marriage is registered, the man informs everyone about his legal relationship - society, friends, banks and business partners. As they say, before God and people. And in the modern world, even before the law, which is extremely important. He takes responsibility, and is ready to bear the obligations associated with this relationship. The woman also communicates her intentions to everyone, showing that she lives in a marriage with a man, that she has a family.

In the case when the relationship is not registered, and the couple lives in a civil marriage, the responsibility is somehow removed, there is always a “backup move” - to pack your bags and say “sorry, it didn’t work out”, and nothing can serve as an obstacle or deterrent.

Search and psychology of relations between a man and a woman

There is a search. What is right and what is wrong, no one can judge or advise. For the first time, people can choose how they build relationships that are comfortable for them. Now there is no condemnation of society, premarital sex is acceptable, no one insists on running to register relationships with the registry office. With all the freedom of choice and multiple possibilities, people are often disoriented and cannot find right person, build a relationship with him or keep them. They are not satisfied with the marriage and cannot find a replacement for it.

Lamenting and saying “how good it was before, and marriages were strong, and families were good” - will lead to nothing, we cannot go back to the anal phase of human development with its special values ​​of family and marriage, we live in a skin era of consumption and need to adapt to these conditions.

Someone is adapted and arranges personal and social life harmoniously, at the same time, he also has a hobby, is satisfied and happy. Someone cannot get out of internal frustrations and rationalizations, and in general, take a step in a new direction, thinking and acting only “in the old fashioned way”, trying to cling to the ideals and traditions of the past, and being disappointed, concluding that no one understands him ...

Knowledge of system-vector psychology is not a guarantee of building a dream relationship, but, without a doubt, it helps to understand the type of one's sexuality, the sexuality of one's partner, the psychology of sexual attraction and psychological characteristics, analyze stimuli and ways to remove them, help to understand a partner "not through oneself" , do not expect the impossible from him, as a result, do not receive disappointments and negative experience ...

actstudio.livejournal.com

for married men and women

It is not a great secret for anyone that the psychology of mutual relations between men and women is essentially different. Women are considered more romantic, certain priorities are set for them in life, most of the representatives of the most beautiful half of humanity strive for close family relationships and the subsequent birth of children.

Men, on the other hand, are called to be conquerors, they are carried away by the race of life, in which they must necessarily emerge victorious. The very life of men and women is also perceived differently.

Features of male psychology

In their physical structure, men are always stronger than women, but they are inferior to the latter in moral feelings. Representatives of the strongest half of humanity often cannot withstand the emotional upheavals of life, although they do not show their feelings in any way. The psychology of men is to hide their emotions in the depths of their souls, and in public always seem strong and self-confident.

The psychology of relationships with partners is set up in such a way as to surprise and conquer their chosen ones with their qualities, bestowed on a man from above. A beautiful figure or brutal appearance plays a significant role here. Unfortunately, men seek to get into those depths of the soul of a woman that seem to them the most alienated.

As long as they have an interest, they try to do everything possible to charm and disarm their chosen ones. But in personal relationships, men are not inherent in loyalty or flexibility, in rare situations they make concessions and do something contrary to their desires. Many representatives of the strongest half of humanity can easily offend their companion, because they are sure that a lot is permissible for them just because they were born men.

The psychology of men is complex, it is hidden from prying eyes, so it can be quite difficult to reveal it.

Qualities that distinguish men from women

Each person has positive and negative sides of his character, but distinctive features in psychology personal relationships men and women are the following aspects:

• the desire to always be a winner;
• ambition;
• tendency to generalize;
• striving for continuous success;
• craving to be a leader;
• the predominance of the logical mindset;
• excellent ability to skillfully navigate in time and in any space;
• direction of interests in the technical direction;
• the ability to perceive all events in their natural whole;
• propensity for romance.

In most cases, representatives of the strong half of humanity are given by nature the temperament of a choleric. Choleric people are more pessimistic in their actions, they get irritated by the slightest trifles, they are always harsh in communication, show assertiveness, firmness and inflexibility.

The psychology of men unites them in that they are aggressive, daring, energetic, impatient, sharp, strong-willed. The psychology of family relations is built in such a way that men always show themselves to be the main ones in the house.

For example, when they see dirty dishes, they do not get annoyed, but wash the soiled dishes themselves. Later, they tell their life partner that they had to do unnecessary things, thereby showing that he is a leader.

In men there is pride in themselves, often they show with words and actions that they are at the highest level of life from women. In addition to pride, they also have vanity. Male psychology It is arranged in such a way that they rarely treat themselves and the people around them with great demands. The most important thing is to feel your own comfort and it does not matter at all how they look at the same time.

Male psychology does not allow anyone to point out their own shortcomings, especially if this is done in public. It is always important for representatives of the strongest half of humanity to seem to themselves and others as an ideal, devoid of all sorts of negative qualities. If someone points a finger at him and says that something is wrong, then men are not so much annoyed as they lose confidence in their own ideal. Of course, it is necessary to criticize men, but every criticism must also contain notes of praise. In this case, they will think about their actions and try to make themselves even better than they think they are.

The psychology of relations between men and women is different, in family life it is very important to understand each other and perceive each other as they are. But trying to remake a life partner or eradicate any traits in his character is to take the first step towards breaking the relationship.

The psychology of men is arranged in such a way that they perceive all circumstances as they are. But women are characterized by airiness, so it often seems that they go in a completely incomprehensible way and solve emerging problems only according to the logic they understand.

The most important thing for a woman is a happy marriage and wonderful children. Their psychology of family relations is built in such a way that relationships within the family bring either happiness or mental suffering. The main mistake of a woman is that they try in all cases to idealize not only themselves, but also their partner. It is difficult for women to understand that a person tends to have negative sides of character, and it is also contrary to them that people can make mistakes.

Today, the psychology of family relations looks sharp. The thing is, the world has changed somewhat in its priorities, so family and marriage are no longer so important for people, but mutual relations should still be present.

Consider what is the psychology of relationships in women in some situations.

Relationship with a married man

In modern life, many women prefer to have relationships with married people rather than with free and single people. Why is this happening? A married man inspires confidence, he has some experience, and he knows how to be the head of the family, which is so important for women.

In addition, married people are full of vitality, when they meet a new chosen one, they acquire a special chic. The psychology of men in this case is aimed at interest, while they are interested in a woman, they try to look worthy in her eyes. Another positive quality for women in this case, that married people have good material wealth and do not skimp on gifts and various romantic surprises. There are also negative aspects of such relationships: jealousy of family relationships, the loneliness of a woman, the impossibility of joint rest, etc.

Relationship with husband

All spouses have a different psychology of relationships, in some aspects they agree with each other, and in others there are contradictions. In some situations, family life is distressing. The romance of lovers ends when they have to face everyday problems. Family relationships must go a long way to reach understanding.

Very rarely women are satisfied with marriage. Family and marriage are always represented in their ideal, but in fact, there are many problems to be solved. The male psychology of family relations in this case is simple: they have achieved what they wanted and are now able to live in peace. But women always need recharging, both moral and romantic.

After the lovers begin to live together, the spouse becomes confident in his position. The psychology of men is not aimed at trying to change their chosen one, as a rule, in order to marry, they carefully think through everything. In family relationships, the husband is always more predictable than the woman. But in family quarrels, a man is sharp, which is able to offend a woman.

The husband will see his wife defenseless and in need of support only when she herself shows him the need for this. Strong personalities often quarrel, their family life is filled with grievances and temperamental situations. The psychology of relationships, where the husband is the head, and the wife is the subordinate, is more favorable, since such a marriage is durable and more like men.

Relationship with a woman who is older than a man

In true modernity marriages of different ages are not rare. The age difference is often around 20 years. In such a relationship, the older woman becomes a mentor for her husband, she teaches him a lot and helps him in everything. Male psychology in this case is simple, he needs the care of not so much a woman as a “mother”.

How to understand a man?

Read also

godsvadba.ru

Relationships in marriage - All about the family

Marriage is a very complex topic. Psychologists, sociologists and just ordinary people year after year ask themselves questions: why are good marriages so rare - marriages that do not stifle the development of partners, in which the bad mood of one does not respond to all households, but meets benevolent understanding? Perhaps the very institution of marriage is incompatible with certain manifestations of human nature? Or maybe marriage is just an illusion that is about to disappear, or is it just modern men unable to fill it with real content? Should we in each specific case to talk about our own failure or is marriage itself to blame? Why is marriage so often the death of love? Should we accept this as an objective inevitability, or is the reason inside each of us, where there is an irreconcilable struggle of forces, different in content and impact? Can we recognize these forces and thus avoid their harmful influence?

At first glance, the problem seems very simple - and completely hopeless. The monotony of a long life with the same person breeds boredom and makes relationships more and more dreary, especially in sex. Relationships in marriage turn into a kind of routine. Gradually, the partners get fed up and cool down, and, they say, this is inevitable. However, this is only a single symptom, and not the disease as a whole. After all, to see that a marriage has lost its soul and radiance only because of many years of monotony means to look at the situation very superficially.

The emptiness of a marriage is not so much due to weariness as it is the result of latent destructive forces that first secretly undermine its foundations, but
then - the seed falls already on the fertile soil of disappointment, distrust, hostility and hatred. Most often, we do not want to notice these forces, especially in our home, because we feel something threatening in them. After all, the mere recognition of their existence will make us make unpleasant demands on ourselves. And yet, we will have to give ourselves an account of them and delve into the problem of relations in marriage, if we really want to solve it from a psychological point of view. At the same time, the main question that we must pose is - where does the disgust of spouses for each other begin?

First of all, there are some general causes that are too common to be elaborated on. They come from our human limitations, which are well known and depend little on how ready we are to admit or not to recognize it. But, no matter how we evaluate others, everyone knows the exception from the general rule - he himself. Have you ever heard someone, weighing up a decision to get married, say, “I will develop such and such unpleasant traits over time”? And this or that imperfection of the spouse - be sure - will inevitably manifest itself during a long and close life together. At first, it will cause only a cold ball of discontent, but then, spinning along the slope of the mountain of time, it grows into an avalanche. If the husband, which is very common, clings to the illusion of independence, he will react with secret bitterness to the fact that his feelings are demanded, that his wife binds him. She, in turn, feeling a suppressed rebellion, will react to him with hidden anxiety and fear of losing her husband, and this anxiety will make her instinctively increase her demands on him. The husband will respond with an increase in irritability and become defensive. And so it will continue, until finally the boiler explodes, and no one will understand the reason. An explosion can happen for a completely insignificant reason. Compared to marriage, all short-term relationships, whether flirting, friendship or connection, are much simpler in nature, since in them it is relatively easier for partners to avoid sharp corners each other.

Our dislike of straining ourselves, both externally and internally, more than absolutely necessary, refers to ordinary human imperfections. A civil servant hired for life will most often not put much effort into the matter. Work will not go away from him, he does not need to compete with anyone and fight for a career, like professionals or even ordinary workers. Let's look at the prerogatives of the marriage contract as they are enshrined in law or prevailing societal standards. If we look at the problem from a psychological point of view, we immediately see that the lifelong right to support, friendship, fidelity, and even sexual interaction imposes a heavy burden on marriage, and it is easy to see that the great danger lies precisely in the fatal similarity with the indefeasibility of a civil servant. Our education has so little to do with marriage and marital relationships that most of us don't even know that falling in love is a gift and that a good marriage must be built step by step. Almost the only bridge across the abyss between law and happiness has been known since time immemorial. This bridge is a change in our personal attitude towards a conscious rejection of demands on a partner. I want to clarify that by requirements I mean requirements, not desires. In addition to these general complicating circumstances, there are a host of individually conditioned ones, differing in strength, nature and likelihood of manifestation. There is also an endless series of traps, falling into which, love is transformed into hatred. We won't get far by listing them all, so it's best to focus on a few of the main ones.

The prognosis for a relationship in marriage is unfavorable from the very beginning if the “wrong” partner is chosen for marriage. What explains why, when choosing with whom we will share our life, we so often choose the wrong person? What happens in this case? Maybe we don't understand what we really need? Or do we not know how to understand other people? Or does falling in love make us so blind? All this, of course, can play a role. However, one more essential circumstance should be considered: a free choice cannot always be “wrong”. Some qualities of a partner really meet our expectations, something in him really promises the fulfillment of our desires and, perhaps, actually fulfills them in marriage. But if the rest of the personality traits are not taken into account as unnecessary or secondary, this “alienation” from the partner will then inevitably affect the relationship. Therefore, the essential error of such a choice is that it was made only in order to fulfill some particular condition. One single impulse, one single passion burst into the forefront and overshadowed everything. For a man, for example, it may be an ardent desire to call his girlfriend, which is sought by many other fans.

This is a particularly unfortunate condition for love, which subsequently kills all relationships in marriage, because the external attractiveness of a wife for a husband will quickly disappear in the absence of rivals and will arise again only when new suitors appear on the stage, which he unconsciously waits for. A partner may seem desirable because he (or she) promises to satisfy our longing for recognition materially, socially, or spiritually. In other cases, still strong infantile desires may determine our choice. A man who lost his mother in childhood may unconsciously want to find her again, and choose a woman older than himself and with children as his wife. A girl who lost her father in childhood is more likely to choose a man who is much older than herself, who reminds her of her lost parent. She will be quite happy with him for several years, despite the complete absence of sexual relations. And this will last until she herself outgrows her childhood desire. And only then will it dawn on her that, being associated with a man who, despite a number of undeniably pleasant qualities, does not mean much to her, she is actually lonely. In all such cases, and they are indeed countless, too much remains empty and unfilled in a person's soul. And the initial fulfillment of the desire for certain relationships in marriage is replaced by subsequent disappointment. Disappointment is not yet the same as dislike, but forms its source, unless we are endowed with an exceptionally rare gift of tolerance and do not feel that relationships on such a limited basis block the way to the possibility of finding our own happiness. It doesn't matter how civilized we are and how good we are at controlling our instincts. Within us, in accordance with our nature, a dull rage will gradually build up against a person or force that threatens to interfere with the realization of our vital aspirations. This rage, even against our will, will still break through and will noticeably influence our behavior, no matter how hard we try to forget about it and not think about the possible consequences. And our partner will inevitably feel that the attitude towards him has become more critical, casual and intolerant.

Our own inconsistency also plays a big role. The danger to marriage here stems not so much from the fact that we make new demands on love, but from the fact that these demands themselves are contradictory. We always consider ourselves more whole than we really are, because we instinctively fear, and not without reason, that our inconsistency threatens our own personality and even life itself. Inconsistency is usually more noticeable in people who are emotionally unbalanced, but in this case it is inappropriate to talk about them specifically. For the nature of things is such that the internal inconsistency of our demands manifests itself especially easily and strongly, and in all people, in family life.

An example is men who are closely associated with their parental family and, nevertheless, who chose wives in contrast to their inner circle, including
number - by nationality, appearance, interests and social status. This contrast, which initially attracted them, also frightens them away, and they unconsciously begin to look for something more familiar.

Or, for example, women with pretensions who want to achieve a high position, and at the same time do not dare to fulfill their ambitious dreams. They are looking for husbands who would do it for them. The husband must be perfect in every way: famous, educated, and admirable. Many women on THIS and calm down. However, it is just as often the case that the wife is soon no longer satisfied with the relationship in marriage, when her desires are not fulfilled by her, but by the husband, since her own desire for power cannot reconcile herself to being overshadowed by her husband.

And finally, there are women who choose a feminine, delicate and weak man. They are driven by their masculine (masculine) stance, although they may not realize it. However, they also often conceal in themselves an unconscious desire for a strong, rough male who will take them by force. Thus, their inability to fulfill both desires at the same time will turn them away from their husband, and they will secretly despise him for his weakness.

Such contradictions can generate dislike between spouses in various ways. We may dislike our partner for his inability to give us what is very important to us, while taking his virtues for granted and not appreciating them at all. Over time, the missing becomes a tempting goal, brightly embellished by our "knowing" that this is exactly what we "really" wanted from the very beginning. On the other hand, we may dislike him precisely because he actually fulfilled our desires, since the result of this fulfillment turned out to be incompatible with our internally contradictory aspirations.

family-abc.ru

Psychology of relationships in marriage | Gateway to harmony

What is the fundamental difference between unfaithful husbands and wives? Unfaithful husbands believe that their marriage is quite successful, while unfaithful wives have the exact opposite opinion. Men, cheating on their wives, are primarily looking for sexual adventures. Women prioritize feelings. Their sex is in second, and sometimes even in third place. What is the psychology of relationships in marriage, when each of the spouses is trying to live according to their own internal criteria?

Most husbands prefer to have short, numerous relationships on the side. Often men forget the names of their casual sexual partners very quickly. A normal, mentally healthy woman goes to adultery for a long time. She cannot change only with her body, and she remembers the name of her lover for many years. Divorce is unacceptable for her, betrayal seems to her a protracted game.

Unfaithful husbands cheat both with married women and single women. But still prefer the second. Unfaithful wives, on the contrary, are more likely to cheat with married men. Such a connection seems to them more secure. It will not threaten the family and is more predictable, which means that the consequences of betrayal do not threaten mental well-being.

There are many reasons why husbands cheat. This is the desire for thrills and diversity, self-affirmation and the desire to prove one's independence, revenge for humiliation, insults and betrayal. It also encourages infidelity long separation with his other half. You can not discount the desire of a familiar lady. If she wants sexual intimacy, then many men find it difficult to resist female charms. That's the way they are designed by nature.

Wives cheat on their husbands if they experience dissatisfaction in marriage. Many women want to increase self-esteem, feel loved and desired. They also change out of boredom, out of curiosity, out of career considerations. Some satisfy their sexual hunger or set themselves the goal of changing a boring husband for a new interesting partner, lover and interlocutor all rolled into one.

Women take extramarital affairs more seriously than men. A wife's relationship with her lover usually lasts longer than a husband's relationship with his mistress. The connection on the side is considered by the stronger sex as an ordinary sexual adventure that has nothing to do with love. The beautiful half of humanity, for the most part, cannot separate sex from feelings. As relationships develop on the side, men very often become more and more happy, and women unhappy.

Men react more painfully to the betrayal of their half than women. This is explained by the fact that the wife male infidelity mentally prepared better. She also more easily forgives the pranks of a legal spouse if he breaks up with his mistress. Practical considerations play a decisive role here: children need a father, fear of loneliness, worsening financial situation.

Men are generally less suspicious and more careless than women. The infidelity of a wife for them is very often a complete surprise, and the consequences of betrayal are unpredictable. Don Juans perceive the betrayal most painfully. A husband is very rarely interested in what kind of spiritual relationship has developed between his wife and her lover. He is blinded by sexual jealousy. The very idea that an opponent in bed is capable of more seems unbearable. From this, men are furious and can do a lot of stupid things, up to criminal offenses and suicides.

Should you confess to your partner in treason? Psychologists categorically argue that it is impossible to admit in any case. This will only lead to additional scandals and suffering. If you have already committed a sin, then it is better to remain silent and do everything possible so that treason is not revealed. If there are any suspicions and gossip, then you should try to brush aside all speculation.

Cheating is different depending on the reasons, circumstances and motives. It is not at all worth it to immediately destroy the established family life. Another thing is when love adventures on the side become a system. Decisive measures must already be taken here, since family relationships, self-esteem, and the future of children are at risk. In any case, betrayal negatively affects both spouses, introducing scandals, grief and suffering into their life together.

makovka777.ru

definition, types and foundations, problems in marriage, assistance to spouses

In the modern world, career and material independence are considered the measure of success. The creation of a family and the well-being of relatives are not at all important. However, a person, consciously or subconsciously, sooner or later seeks to find a family. Ignorance of the basics of family relationships often leads to conflicts and divorces. The psychology of family relationships helps spouses maintain marriage ties.

Psychology of marriage and family relations

The family has long been considered the foundation of society. Back in the 19th century, young boys and girls were prepared for marriage from childhood. Each member of the family knew the role assigned to him and strictly followed the generally accepted rules. Divorce or disobedience of parents was strongly condemned by society.

Freedom of thought and equality in the present tense have made it possible for every person to actively develop. However, the development of individuality has led to the fact that many young people, entering into marriage, cannot correctly allocate roles and do not know how to cope with conflicts. Family psychology studies all aspects of family relationships. This science helps to understand marital conflicts, describes the subtleties family ties, contributes to the self-realization of each family member.

The study of the psychology of family relations implies not only familiarization with the theory, but also the application of the acquired knowledge in practice. At the same time, science pays attention to the communication of children with parents, brothers and sisters, daughter-in-law with mother-in-law, etc. Much attention is also paid to the adaptation of the family in society.

Varieties of family relationships

Family and family relationships are unique. They depend on many factors: the upbringing of each family member, characters, rules generally accepted in the immediate environment, mutual feelings. In addition, the relationship of a married couple depends on the form of marriage:

What are family relationships like? Most psychologists classify the types of family relationships depending on the interaction of husband and wife, attitude towards children, behavior in society. Depending on these features, they are given a separate definition. The table describes the types of relationships in the family.

Classification sign	Type of relationship	Description
Interaction between spouses	Traditional	Spouses work together to solve emerging domestic problems. Traditional values ​​are welcomed. The focus is on meeting material needs. Spiritual development fades into the background.
	Dependent	One person seeks to satisfy all the desires of another. At the same time, he forgets about his own interests.
	Affiliate	Family members develop together, do common things. They support and understand each other.
	Compromise	They are characterized by the ability to yield, accept shortcomings, take care of a partner.
	emotional	Relationships are filled with intense emotions. Husband and wife constantly need a surge of adrenaline. Noisy quarrels alternate with bright reconciliations.
	public	Demonstration of feelings in public, acting. The goal of partners is to please others.
	Owner and servant	The husband treats his wife like a servant. A woman devotes her life to housekeeping and raising children. In the family, the interests of the man predominate.
	Insulation	The couple isolates itself from society. Their social circle is minimal.
	Child worship	The child is the head of the family. Parents live only in his interests.
	Rivalry	Constant struggle for leadership.
	Individual	Everyone in the family is passionate about their own interests. Communication between relatives is kept to a minimum.
Attitude towards children	Authoritarian	Parents have complete control over the child's life. The wishes of the children are not taken into account.
	Soft	Adults indulge all the whims of the younger members of the family. Children are forgiven and everything is permitted.
	Balanced	Parents and children have the same rights.
Behavior in society	Moral	The family has values. Children grow up according to the general rules of morality. Adults try to raise the child so that he feels comfortable in society.
	Average morale	The family has traditions. Adults and children try to adhere to social rules.
	immoral	Families are in conflict. Parents are not engaged in the spiritual education of children.

Stages in family development

During cohabitation, the system of relations between people changes. The couple discovers new sides of each other, faces everyday problems, and is engaged in raising children. The family goes through the following stages of development:

• The first is "love". Newlyweds after the wedding are in a state of euphoria for some time. They do not notice each other's shortcomings, there is no feeling of everyday disorder.
• The second is "grinding". The process of habituation begins. The couple is faced with the need to consider common interests, run a family household, establish a life. The first family problems appear, which are accompanied by the expression of violent emotions. Some people break up at this stage.
• The third is "compromises". Successfully overcoming the first problems teaches people to make compromises. At this stage, the husband and wife choose the roles they will play in the family. Some remain equal partners, others have a leader. Often a child appears in the second or third stage in the family.
• The fourth is "routine". Gradually, relationships lose their novelty and brightness. The habits and habits of the second half are studied, children are born, in intimacy routine appears. Often at this stage, people are looking for new sensations on the side.
• The fifth is "maturity". If the family has successfully passed the previous stages, it is considered fully formed. Family relations can be based not only on mutual feelings, but also on respect, understanding, the ability to find common interests, to yield. Sometimes people do not want to leave because they are afraid of loneliness. Some couples go through hardships for the sake of their children.

Relations in a young family - mutual understanding and mutual respect between spouses

A young family is formed as a result of the merger of two people who grew up in different cells of society. When building a successful marriage bond, a man and a woman must take into account the interests of each other. Each of them brings to the new family a piece of the foundations familiar from childhood. The ability to compromise becomes the key to creating a new unit of society.

Young people must learn to solve their problems on their own. You can not seek help in family conflicts from relatives and friends. We need to be tolerant of each other's shortcomings and not try to redo the other half. Often women try to re-educate their husbands. However, such behavior demonstrates disrespect for the individuality of the loved one.

Mutual understanding and mutual respect are the foundations of family relations. If the husband and wife try to treat each other with understanding, conflicts rarely arise in the family.

Relationships with new relatives

When people get married, they cannot be isolated from the spouse's relatives. First of all, the husband and wife acquire new parents.

Building a new family is easier on your own territory. Living together with relatives often causes discord among the young.

Building friendly ties with relatives of the second half is one of the conditions for a successful marriage.

How to create good relationships with relatives? There are several rules for the successful coexistence of different cells of society:

• You need to respect the traditions of someone else's family.
• You can not insult, condemn, criticize the relatives of the second half.
• You should be sincere. If a wife or husband is not satisfied with something in the actions of relatives, it is necessary to correctly tell about it.
• Do not try to establish your order in someone else's house.
• Don't be fooled by first impressions. Sometimes the first acquaintance leaves the wrong impression about the new relatives. You need to understand that people have emotions. Their behavior may be driven by excitement.
• You should be polite and attentive.
• Don't refuse help.

The appearance of children in the family

There is an opinion that the appearance of a child can strengthen the family. However, the birth of a baby often brings new problems to a couple's relationship.

Misunderstandings can arise even during a woman's pregnancy. Mood swings, change appearance, restrictions in the intimate sphere bring dissonance into family life.

Some men are afraid of responsibility and begin to move away from their wife. The couple needs to be patient at this stage. We must try to understand the fears of the husband and the condition of the woman. Spending time together will help you bond and mend shaky relationships.

After the birth of a baby, families face new challenges. Constant lack of sleep, new expenses, mother's focus on the child lead to conflicts. The couple needs to realize that their way of life will change forever. They must take responsibility for the new life.

To overcome a difficult stage, spouses need to learn how to share responsibilities, speak frankly about their fears and inconveniences. Mutual understanding and endurance will help to overcome all difficulties.

Family traditions

Family traditions help strengthen relationships. Each family may have its own traditions. Sometimes spouses follow the customs that their parents taught them. However, most often in a new family, over time, their own appear.

What are the traditions? Some families try to go out into nature every weekend. Others celebrate certain holidays with their parents. Having a Sunday lunch together can also be a tradition. The main thing is that these events bring joy to every member of the family. Time spent with family allows you to strengthen relationships, create a favorable atmosphere in the house, and resolve conflicts.

Conflict situations and crises

Conflicts arise in every family sooner or later. Most often, their appearance coincides with crises in marriage. In psychology, there are several crisis periods:

Problems and divorce

Lack of understanding leads to an increase in conflicts. Reviewing your habits and the ability to listen to the opinion of the second half helps to solve problems. Spouses should avoid harsh criticism, mutual reproaches, suspicion. However, sometimes financial difficulties, conflicts with children, betrayal, attempts to evade responsibility and the fading of feelings lead the family to divorce.

Because of the divorce, children suffer the most, so spouses should try to maintain good relations even after parting. You can’t criticize your ex-lover in the presence of children, you shouldn’t take conflicts out in public. After a divorce, you need to analyze family life. In conflicts, both sides are always to blame. You should accept new experiences and try to avoid past mistakes.

Secrets of a happy family

Both spouses should participate in building a happy family. Only by joint efforts can we overcome all difficulties. It must be remembered that a happy marriage is a constant work. Work on yourself, the desire to understand your soul mate, patience and sincerity will help build a strong family. Problems cannot be glossed over.

The psychology of a happy family involves open discussion controversial points. Sometimes you need to make concessions, but you can’t fully devote your life to your soulmate and children. It is necessary to take into account the interests of each family member. Children should be full participants in family relationships. Joint recreation and common hobbies strengthen family ties.

As you know, "all happy families are alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." So how are happy families similar to each other? How and why can love continue throughout life? The American psychologist and psychoanalytic psychotherapist Judith Wallerstein tried to answer these questions.

I would like to share with you the findings of her study of 50 happy couples, in which she used the case study method. To participate in this study, married couples were selected that met the following criteria:

1. The couple must be legally married for at least 9 years;
2. The couple has one or more children;
3. Both husband and wife consider their marriage happy;
4. Consent of both spouses to both individual and joint interviews.

Based on this study, Wallerstein proposed nine psychological challenges to marriage that challenge men and women throughout their life journey. These tasks are a kind of building blocks of a harmonious and strong marriage. These tasks, as they are transformed, are the work of marriage to support high quality relationships under the stresses of modern society and the changes that occur with each of the partners throughout life.

9 Psychological Problems of Marriage

1. Separate emotionally from the family of origin so that you can fully invest your strength and feelings in your own family union, and at the same time reconsider the points of contact with both parent families

The first challenge in any first marriage is to separate psychologically from the family of origin, commit to the relationship, and build a new kind of bond with the parent's generation. These two tasks, seemingly in opposition to each other, are in fact closely intertwined and equally necessary. You can live separately with the one you love and even live in official marriage and have children, but at the same time not psychologically separated from their parental family. To have a good marriage, you need to acquire an independent position and be able to rely on your own ability to make decisions and exercise choices. Every person entering into marriage must transfer the primary love and loyalty from the parents to the marriage partner. This emotional transition from the role of son or daughter to the role of husband or wife is achieved through internal processing of attachments and conflicts with parents.

For those who married young, the challenges of early marriage coincide with the challenges of maturity. A good marriage can help each partner mature, while a bad marriage can block or delay maturity. It often happens that parents emotionally do not let go of their grown-up child, they try with all their might to maintain control over him. Often, parents also believe that their child deserves a better partner and explicitly or implicitly convey this opinion to both spouses. It happens that tension arises between one of the parents and the daughter's husband or husband's wife, especially if the young couple lives with their parents, which can result in a clear conflict between the spouse and parents.

Everyone, from a grown-up child to a parent who has reached a new milestone in their life path, must experience the loss of the everyday presence of another. Recognition of a son's or daughter's choice of a life partner and adaptation to a new life is a serious test for the maturity of parents. Alas, not everyone has such mature parents who are able to accept that they have lost their former influence on their children entering adulthood.

The process of separation is painful and rarely goes without tears and anger, but it is necessary to protect the marriage. Both the young couple and parents on both sides should be involved in building new relationships. Maintaining relationships is a lifelong challenge for both generations.

I will also briefly note that in second marriages, this task also includes getting rid of attachment to past partners and getting rid of the ghosts of a previous marriage.

2. Building a community based on shared closeness and identity, while at the same time establishing boundaries that protect the autonomy of each partner

Building togetherness and autonomy refers to a common vision shared by both partners of how you want to spend your life together, which involves creating a psychological marriage identity that is "us together" rather than "each of us separately." Building a new, shared identity requires a shift from the "I" of the emancipated teenager and young adult to a solid and reliable "We".

The feeling that you are part of a couple is what strengthens modern marriage. It is a powerful bulwark against the relentless threats to our divorce culture. The sense of "we" gives a marriage a restraining strength in the face of inevitable frustrations and temptations to run away and go astray. It also gives the partners the feeling that they have created their own independent state in which they themselves make the rules. For the sake of loyalty to the created community, each partner is faced with the need to abandon self-centeredness and sacrifice some part of their autonomy.

Each person can experience disappointment, pain, anger, facing the need to share, give in, give up their former freedoms. Each is angry at being confronted with the responsibilities of adulthood and the terrible burden of the other's constant and demanding presence. There is always the danger, especially in the early years of marriage, that the partner's needs and demands will be perceived as insatiable, frightening, exploitative, and humiliating, that the demands of adulthood will be mixed with the partner's demands, and the blame for this will be placed on him.

However, creating a marriage identity is only half of the task. The other half is maintaining autonomy and establishing a distance between husband and wife, giving each a certain private space, protected from intrusion by the other.

Balancing community and autonomy is one of the main keys to a successful marriage. Differences must be tolerated, recognized and accepted. The community acquired in marriage has as its reverse side individuation. Intimacy has its necessary opposite in flexible distance and the right to be alone with yourself or in relationship with someone else. Building autonomy within a mutually shared vision of marriage is not the same as maintaining the individual lifestyle that each partner brings to marriage.

These days, men and women marry later and resist giving up their personal lifestyle. It would be easier for people contemplating marriage if they understood that giving up some of the positive aspects of living alone is an inevitable and necessary step.

These first two tasks, the psychological separation from the family of origin and finding a balance between building a sense of "We", and maintaining some autonomy, according to Judith Wallerstein, create the foundation for a family union.

3. Creating fulfilling and pleasurable sexual relationships and protecting them from intrusions from family and work-related commitments

We mistakenly believe that because of the pre-existing sexual experience that people marry today, building a good sexual relationship is relatively easy. But sexual intimacy in marriage is often accompanied by anxiety, a feeling of fear of being ridiculed, rejected, abandoned, or, on a more primitive level, being suppressed or subjugated by a partner.

Although few would dispute the centrality of sexual relations to a good marriage, this study, as well as the study of the causes of divorce, confirmed the fact that the sexual life of partners is a very vulnerable part of the relationship. She is sensitive to short and long breaks associated with stress at work, childbirth, the growing needs of young children, illness, general fatigue, and the like. When sexual relations are regularly postponed (the child is crying, the boss is calling, etc.), the connection in the couple is weakening, and may gradually develop into a crisis.

An emotionally rich sex life makes a life together worthy of the many sacrifices that are required to maintain strong family ties. The couples in this study worked very hard to ensure they had private time to spend together. They considered this moment decisive. Sexual relationships in marriage, to a much greater extent than casual relationships, need to be given priority. Without this, sexual contacts can become superficial and not fully satisfying.

The bedroom is a privileged place for light play, erotic pleasure, laughter, adventure, passion, accepted aggression and, in the end, achieving freedom from childish taboos.

The birth of a child usually reduces the interest in sex in women, this usually lasts the entire first year after the birth of the child. As one woman said: "I felt that my breasts belonged to the child, and my husband was invading other people's possessions."

Conversely, the birth of a child may lead to increased sexual arousal in men; they may feel vulnerable, rejected because a child has taken their place. Married couples often resolved these explosive disagreements in the following way: at the first opportunity, the needs of the partner were given priority, regardless of the level of their own sexual desires.

Maintaining sexual desire over the years requires constant, fine tuning from partners, i.e. sensitivity to each other's needs and desires.

4. The ability to "take a hit" when a baby appears in the family and, at the same time, maintaining the closeness of a married couple. Consolidation of efforts related to parental roles and obligations in connection with the birth of children

For the couples in this study, the experience of parenthood was one of the most important experiences in life. Parenthood, along with its many challenges, helped define marriage, fostered psychological growth, and brought countless joyful experiences. Life would be much easier without children, but these difficulties were worth it. Children provided a sense of stability and purpose in life. For many people, children have given marriage moral meaning and a sense of intergenerational continuity. Each person said that life would not be so rich for him without the shared experience of raising children.

The arrival of children changes a marriage forever, bringing anxiety and a sense of calm and well-being, fatigue and endless excitement and laughter into the home. Children speed up the rhythm of life and paint it in bright colors. They evoke in parents a special tenderness and patronage, as well as a sense of responsibility and care. The birth of children challenges parents, forcing them to reconsider their own life goals and values. At times, raising children feels like a heavy burden, but in good marriages men and women are ready to make these sacrifices for the sake of children and are proud of themselves and each other in the role of parents.

The first months after the birth of a child require the couple to make adjustments and new accommodations, expanding the cozy circle that includes the two of them in order to make space, both psychological and physical, for their child. Alas, many do not cope with this successfully. Often the birth of a child becomes a trigger for the failure of a marriage, many couples lose the intimacy and passion that they had before.

The birth of a child transforms the psychological and emotional life of the parents and thus changes the dynamics of the relationship between husband and wife. The dyad becomes a triad. During this period, as in no other, the living presence of the families of origin of both partners is sometimes felt. Fulfillment of beautiful fantasies about own child can revive old conflicts, open old wounds.

A common dilemma during this period is that his sexual arousal increases while hers decreases. A young man may think, "My wife doesn't want me, doesn't want to take care of me. She got what she wanted, and she only needs me to take care of her and the baby."

Unfortunately, this is a fairly common scenario, and then a man can seek solace on the side, with another woman. And even if the connection begins only as nothing more than a frivolous flirtation or an attempt at revenge, to his surprise, it can be very addictive.

The result can be a divorce a year or two after the birth of a child - a tragedy for the whole family. A significant number of divorces occur due to the fact that the couple was unable to integrate the child into the family and, at the same time, maintain, "reset" their special relationship as a couple.

Or events may develop in a different scenario. A father may sincerely identify with his wife's desire to give the baby full priority. He may give up his emotional and sexual demands on her. The result can be the glorification of a child in an emotionally impoverished, boring marriage. Such a marriage, in which the needs of the couple are completely neglected, can last indefinitely or, to everyone's surprise, suddenly fall apart.

I will briefly note that similar problems arise with the birth of each child, and even more problems if there is a small time difference between the birth of children.

5. Ability to resist and overcome the inevitable crises of life, maintain the strength of marital ties in the face of adverse circumstances

A series of crises affect the life of any person, any family. The couples from this study were no exception. All of them have experienced at least one major tragedy, some have experienced several traumatic events in their life together.

In general, crises can be divided into two broad categories. The first is crises that come from foreseeable changes in life. These are events or changes that occur at different stages of life, such as pregnancy; birth of a child; reaching middle life by adults; the child reaches adolescence or the moment when he leaves the house; menopause; retirement and similar changes can lead to a crisis. While such crises can be predicted, their form, pace, and accompanying feelings are generally unpredictable.

The second category includes unexpected twists and turns of fate that can occur at any time in life. Some of them may have been somewhat expected, such as the death of an elderly parent, some were never even allowed into consciousness, such as sudden death friend or child.

The task of coping with a crisis includes a series of steps that happy couples follow in this study. First, they tried to realistically acknowledge and think about the consequences of the crisis. They sought to separate their worst-case fears from what actually happened.

For example, the parents of a child diagnosed with cancer feared the worst, but assumed that the treatment could be successful. They thought realistically about the extent and duration of the crisis, seeking to learn as much as possible about its potential consequences. They tried to think not only about how the crisis affects the one who suffered the most, but also did not forget about other family members and marital relationships. By realistically planning their actions, as much as was possible under the circumstances, they avoided the extremes of freezing in helplessness and throwing themselves desperately into meaningless activity.

Secondly, they defended each other without falling into accusations, despite the strong temptation to do so. In fact they did even more; they tried to protect each other from untrue self-accusations.

Third, they took steps to bring back some of the fun and humor into their lives in order to maintain an outside perspective on their current events. They did something for each other and for the kids to push back the sense of doom and gloom.

Fourthly, they did not portray themselves as a martyr and sufferer or a saint. Fear makes each of us capricious and dissatisfied with everything. Like all people, study participants sometimes behaved inappropriately and even did destructive and self-destructive things, for example, in a fit of anger, they left those who love you and who need you. But usually they were able to block these impulses and control themselves, because they saw the connection between the crisis and the inappropriate harmful reaction. And they made great efforts to bring destructive tendencies under control and avoid their negative impact on marriage.

Fifth, they prevented the crises they saw coming. So, for example, they didn't wait until their spouse's drinking or depression became devastating; they interfered with early stage Problems. One woman whose husband started drinking and came late because of problems at work told him firmly, "I'm not going to tell our daughter that I don't know where her father is. Stop drinking." She expressed her demand from the point of view of the daughter he loved, and the man really stopped drinking. He later thanked his wife for her foresight in averting the disaster.

As we can see, people in happy marriages are not those who are very lucky in life, they are not the minions of fate at all. Those who have persevered and become stronger after a crisis experience just as much anxiety and guilt as others. They experience the same distress and anger, but instead of seeing their partner as a scapegoat, they help each other to bear the new burden and overcome the crisis that has arisen.

6. Creating a safe space to express differences, anger and conflict

The sixth task of marriage is to build relationships that are safe from the point of view of disagreement, conflict and anger. The ability of spouses to learn how to resolve differences and stand up for their point of view without fear of negative consequences is an important achievement of a successful marriage. "A marriage free from conflict" is an oxymoron. The choice offered by real life, such as whether or not to have a child, or whose career is more important, can cause an acute and protracted conflict. In fact, there can be a great variety of reasons for disagreements and potential conflicts, from the most serious to the most banal.

Inevitable hardships of family life: difficulties in raising children and work, fatigue, frustration, difficulties of living in close proximity; A significant contribution to this list of adversities is made by illness, financial troubles and other acute and chronic stresses of life, causing tension in relationships and the desire to find a "scapegoat" who could be blamed for their own misfortunes.

Men and women described conflict episodes that remained in their memory as the main critical points in their relationship. Although the encounters were painful and sometimes threatening, partners learned to see themselves and their spouse in a more realistic light. In their unanimous opinion, an important achievement of a successful marriage is the ability of spouses to learn how to resolve differences and defend their point of view without fear of negative consequences.

The same demons haunt happy and unhappy marriages. In failed marriages, these demons of conflict and anger slowly erode the fabric of the relationship, threatening to lead to a final breakup. In successful marriages, the same demons are consciously rebuffed. Disagreements may take place, but manifestations of anger lose their strength and are drowned out by love, pity, sympathy and understanding for each other, fidelity to the marital union and the conviction that the family must be protected during the storm of life.

Efforts to control their own flashpoints to avoid flare-ups, containment of emotion, and control of their internal reactions were the inner work that partners did in taking care of their connection. Knowing each other well enough, the partners often strategically built a certain line of behavior. They learned to watch each other and wait for the right moment to discuss complex issues.

7. Sharing laughter and interests with each other

Family life and raising children is a very difficult, everyday job, so one of the most important tasks for a married couple is to provide space for play, humor and lively interests. Just as sexual relationships can become routine and lose their spontaneity and passion, so too can a marriage lose its novelty and freshness, become frozen in the monotonous repetition of daily routines. The challenge of using humor and laughter to refill relationships over and over again is a lifelong one. It's not something just for holidays and anniversaries; laughter can be part Everyday life.

Light, joking and playful banter was an important aspect of their relationship for many of the couples in this study. Playful banter, light flirting, and laughter that brings a hint of insecurity—not enough to cause anxiety, but enough to dispel boredom—are an important part of a satisfying marital relationship. Sometimes the play on words had sexual innuendos, but more often the jokes focused on the ups and downs of everyday life. Humor is a great way to defuse anger and tension, as well as restore wounded self-esteem.

Another aspect of this task is to keep and share interest with each other. Boredom is one of the main enemies of marriage. Happy spouses do find each other interesting. They do not live side by side in silence; they enjoy spending time together. They can watch movies together and share their impressions, talk about politics, from time to time they can talk for several hours about something before going to bed. Their joint and personal interests contribute to their endless conversations with each other.

8. Providing care for each other and meeting the needs of a partner in dependence and support

Our needs for comfort and encouragement are deep and constant. The main task of every marriage from the very beginning of the relationship to its end is to take care of each other. The loneliness of life in big cities; lack of significant contacts at work; the distance that separates close friends and family - these and many other aspects of modern life exacerbate our emotional hunger. We often feel tired, insecure, frustrated, or unsuccessful. At times like these, we all need someone's sympathy. Today, the marriage of a man and a woman is their castle, a private place where they can hide from the stresses of public life, where their needs for comfort, care and support can be met on a reciprocal basis.

Both men and women equally need a person they trust, who will calm them down with the words "You did everything you could", who will alleviate their anxiety by confidently saying "You cannot change this. Stop blaming yourself", who before any then the test will support the words "You can do it, I believe in you." We all need a sympathetic listener to our confessions about how we lost our temper in some life situation and are afraid possible consequences this.

If everyday frustrations are not noticed, serious consequences are inevitable. Especially when a marriage involves two careers and young children, explosive consequences are highly likely. There is no magical remedy to prevent this. The only resource we can turn to and deal with negative consequences is the common sense, goodwill and sense of justice of both partners.

Partners can help each other in a variety of ways. Someone needs to talk, someone prefers to be alone, listen to music or take a nap. Some need sympathy, reassurance and advice. Some couples, when they start helping each other with burdensome household chores, find to their surprise that they become less terrible when done together.

9. Keeping a double vision of a partner

This refers to the ability of each of the partners to combine two images of a spouse or wife: idealized, romantic image the emergence of love in a couple, in which the realistic changes that have taken place with the person himself and his half over the course of many years of marriage are organically inscribed.

The ability to keep in mind the images of youth, youth helps to keep the miracle of falling in love, the former sexual attraction to each other and the pride that such a person lives next to you. amazing person, who, of course, is himself aware of his originality, as well as to extract nourishment and renewal from the images and fantasies of the early period of relations. These powerful images originate in the fantasies of early childhood, as well as in the magic of mutual sexual attraction: reflections of light on the face or hair of a loved one (or beloved), a special timbre of voice. Such sensory memories can remain vivid throughout life. From the materials of the study, it became clear that such images can retain their strength and affective component over many years of marriage until old age. They can even become even more vivid in old age with the imminent threat of losing a loved one.

References:

Wallerstein J.S. The Early Psychological Tasks of Marriage: Part I. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, Vol 64(4), Oct 1994, 640-650.
Wallerstein J.S. Psychological Tasks of Marriage: part 2. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry. 66(2), 1996, 217-227.
Wallerstein J.S., Blakeslee S. The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts. Houghton Mifflin Company, 1996.

Family for many is the most important thing on earth. A warm hearth is a place where spouses yearn to find peace and tranquility. But sometimes, instead of positive and calm family life brings only mutual disappointment and anger. Why do most couples have so many problems living together? What is the reason for so many divorces and unhappy marriages in modern society? What needs to be done to create a happy family?

Family psychology can help you understand these issues. This section of psychology studies the building of harmonious and deep relationships between members of the cell of society. First, let's understand what a family is.

What is family?

A family is a group of people connected by kinship or marriage, living under the same roof, leading a common household and having a common budget. The basis of the family is usually spouses and their children. However, often young people live together with the parents of one of the partners. Each member of the family has his own duties, which he must fulfill for the sake of the common good.

What a family will be like is determined by a fairly wide range of factors. This is influenced by both the education of the spouses and their cultural level. Also of great importance is the ability of partners to understand each other, to find joint solutions in conflict situations, to show care and patience.

Some Causes of an Unhappy Marriage

Many complain that the partner with whom they started a family does not live up to their expectations. It turns out that the girl, who suffered all her childhood because her father was an evil, selfish alcoholic, married the same scoundrel. Why did it happen so? The psychology of family life claims that the foundation of such relationships is laid in childhood.

It is the relationship between parents that creates in the child the image of what a marriage should be like.

So it turns out that subconsciously a person is looking for a partner similar to one of his parents, continuing an endless cycle of the same mistakes. After all, the children of such people will create their own family, based on the experience of their parents, continuing the negative traditions of their ancestors.

Another problem is that often people try to start a family without getting to know each other properly. They are driven by passion or unexpected pregnancy. But most of these families break up in the first year of marriage. Family psychology teaches that before taking a relationship to such a serious level, you need to get to know your partner properly, accept him as he is.

Love in the family

Initially, when choosing a partner, people are guided by the sexual attractiveness of a person, his external qualities. Sweet speeches of romantics about the divine nature of their feelings in most cases are a pathetic attempt to embellish harsh reality. Only after a strong emotional connection is formed between people and they properly recognize each other's inner world, love arises. Everyone says that a family is built on love, but why then do so many people suffer from a lack of warmth and mutual understanding?

The fact is that rarely a person is loved simply for what he is, accepting all his advantages and disadvantages.

Usually love is given out as a reward for good deeds, with threats to deprive it if the partner does not correspond to some ideal model. The basics of family psychology is to love your partner with all his qualities, good and bad. Instead of constantly nibbling on your spouse for his shortcomings, it is better to focus on the merits, expressing your sympathy and care as often as possible.

Psychology of family life. Conflict resolution

Another problem of family life is the incorrect resolution of conflict situations. Often, serious conflicts or contradictions in the family are resolved in favor of one of the spouses or not resolved at all. This state of affairs leads to the accumulation of mutual discontent and dissatisfaction with each other. Family psychology recommends resolving disputes or conflict situations together, listening to your spouse, respecting his or her opinion. In this way, you will have the skill of working together, you will learn mutual respect and take your relationship to a new level.

Psychology. Family counseling

If problems in the family cannot be solved on their own, but there are reasons to save the marriage, then going to a family psychologist can be a good help. An outsider will be able to more objectively assess the real state of affairs than angry spouses.

If you decide to turn to a specialist, then be honest with him, only then his help will have a chance of success.

It is better to consult a qualified psychologist, beware of dubious doctors practicing unscientific, suspicious methods. If you know a couple who have already been helped by a similar specialist, listen to their feedback and, if they are positive, contact the same person.

Solving problems on your own

If you do not want to wash dirty linen in public, attracting outsiders into your relationship, then there will be a need to independently clean up the psychological garbage accumulated over the years of living together. That's what family psychology is for. The family is considered in this science from all sides, hundreds of various methods have been created to strengthen marriage ties. Some of them are listed above.

Many difficult periods await every young family, but going through them together, you will only become closer to each other. The birth of children, aging, the appearance of grandchildren and many other stages of family life will pass like clockwork if mutual understanding is reached between the spouses. Solve problems that arise in marriage, instead of just postponing them. Then one day you will become a member of a harmonious and happy family. But until you have a lot of experience in living together, family psychology will come to your aid.