Where does spiritual joy come from? Where does love come from - an anthropologist's point of view
"Formula of love" was looking for not only Cagliostro. Each of us sooner or later faces the question - why do I love HIM or HER. There is no single answer. But you can try to try on the theories of love, which were developed by scientists of different directions.
biological theory
Not all people adequately perceive comparisons with representatives of the fauna. But since the time of Darwin, scientists continue to study our smaller brothers, making far-reaching conclusions, generalizing and classifying representatives of Homo Sapiens as one of the species of the animal world of the earth. “The strongest wins”, or rather, the most beautiful - at least this is what happens with swallows. Stubborn scientists lengthened tail unit several males and joyfully stated that the improved males were not allowed to pass by the female swallows. Imposing appearance- a direct confirmation of luck, health and good genetics. This is at the level of instincts. People are no exception, men choose women, focusing on beauty, while women pay more attention to the external attributes of social and material life.
genetic theory
People with symmetrical facial features are in particular demand in the marriage market. For healthy offspring, high-quality genetic material is needed. Studies have shown that women decide the question in 7, maximum 30 seconds: is a man suitable for them as sexual partner, and hence the probable father of the children. Interestingly, during possible conception- during ovulation - women prefer men with pronounced masculine features, indicating an excess of testosterone. Demand is macho, the owners of strong muscles, dark hair, thick eyebrows, wide cheekbones, a clear line of the mouth and chin. The rest of the time, 99% of women prefer those representatives of the stronger sex who have feminine features in their appearance. This phenomenon is explained very simply - masculine men can give better offspring, and men whose testosterone levels are slightly lower become the best fathers because of female character traits - tact, gentleness, loyalty and tolerance.
Theory of smell
Not so long ago, scientists discovered a vomeronasal organ in the human nose, the only task of which, it seems, is to “sniff out” a potential sexual-marital partner. This organ, which was considered a vestige that we inherited from the animal world, perceives only pheromones and smells. vegetable oils. It works almost flawlessly - if you don’t like the smell of a person, the relationship in a couple is unlikely to work out successfully.
Gestalt theory
Each of us has two choices: sick and healthy. If in a relationship with parents a person has reticence, resentment or anger, if painful love relationship ended for a reason we do not understand, then, according to the theory of Gestalt therapy, a person will again and again try to play out the situation of the past. A healthy choice of a partner is possible only if you are aware of yourself, your needs, the minuses and pluses of your loved one.
Defense theory
People who have had both unhappy love and broken heart often choose a settlement partner. But this calculation is not based on material values, but on the fear of feeling pain again. In an effort to protect their peace of mind, people consciously or not, but choose a partner who will love them, causing only sympathy in return. Such a person is not too worried, but living with him is comfortable, calm and most importantly, safe. The paradox of our psyche is such that a safe partner is one that has parental traits. He protects, takes care and responsibility for the relationship.
Scenario theory
The founder of transactional analysis, Eric Berne, noticed an interesting feature - we generally repeat the outline of our parents' lives. So, if a mother got married twice, it is likely that the daughter, without realizing it, will strive to build her destiny in the same way. Children who grew up in families of alcoholics in the future again and again choose people suffering from addictions as partners, and fortunetellers say in such cases - this is a family curse. Psychologists call this phenomenon more simply - the repetition of scenarios.
Tatyana Amvrosimova, psychologist, gestalt therapist
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A naive question, even a little funny. And if you think about it - rare complex issue! Let's gather at least a whole conference now, interview at least a hundred scientists: What is love?- no one can formulate with certainty. Everyone feels love in their own way, for everyone it has its own light, its own secret.
Six centuries ago, the young Italian Francesco Petrarca asked himself with pain and trepidation: “If it’s not love, this heat, what illness is shivering me? Kohl he is love then what is love? Good? But these torments, God! So evil fire? And the sweetness of these torments!
How much has been said, how much has been written since then about torment and! And although there are really few scientific books on this subject, art has explored love with all the intentness and attention to its smallest signs and shades. Terrible, incinerating love and meek, all-forgiving love are described; love that strikes suddenly, like a lightning bolt, and love that matures gradually; love that inspired a feat, and love that pushed to betrayal ...
But in this diversity, one invariable, constant property of love clearly emerges - it is strictly selective. Our reader asks: “Maybe there is no love, but there is an attraction to a naked woman?” sexual instinct seems to be a self-sufficient value, the only sober reality that opposes the ephemeral nature of love. But some philosophers just considered him a deception, a trick of nature, thus ensuring the continuation of the race!
Yes, and love knows the passionate power of attraction. But please don't confuse sexual instinct with love! Attraction is impersonal, he does not care or almost care, this naked woman or another. And love does not need anyone else - it simply does not see, does not know anyone else, for it there is only one and only person.
Sexual instinct formula: "I want to feel good." Formula of love: "I want you to feel good." And only from this desire, when it is mutual, the highest harmony is born: "We feel good."
Modern sexologists argue that no sophistication, no technique of sex can give intimacy that degree of pleasure, that feeling of take-off, which soulful love gives. The Polish sexologist Imelinsky writes about this in his book Psychohygiene of Sexual Life.
Sex drive is like hunger. It is enough to get enough, and his call falls silent. Love cannot be satiated, it is inexhaustible. “You are my beloved, you are my desired” - these are the words invented for a loved one! Because you never get bored looking at him, never desire will disappear be with him...
But why, you ask, is the choice so categorical? Is it not possible to find another just as good, or perhaps even better?
Indeed, why?
Everything seems to be explained by the well-known formula: "Love is blind." No wonder the god of love Amur is depicted with a bandage over his eyes. And this is not only in ancient mythology. The same meaning is contained in the wise Russian proverb: "Not good for good, but good for good."
In scientific language, it sounds like this: love is characterized by the idealization of its object. There are many examples of idealization. Both in literature and in life.
The girl fell in love with the boy. He enthusiastically tells his friends: “Handsome, smart, kind, in general, extraordinary! There is no other like it!" And her friends, seeing him, are surprised: “What did you find in him?”
But maybe this is not only an idealization? Researchers of the phenomenon of love notice one more of its properties: special vigilance. The lover sees the virtues of a person hidden from an indifferent gaze, notices what others did not notice or did not understand.
Remember: Pushkin and Natalya Goncharova. Many believed that it had no virtues other than beauty. Almost a hundred and fifty years later, literary critics and historians, having traced her life day by day, having studied her letters, her attitude towards sisters, towards children, understood: she was kind, modest, extremely delicate. Pushkin, with the clairvoyance of a lover, understood this at once and said: "I love your soul ..."
But what is still "done with the heart, body, brain"? This is really a mystery! Whom doctors and psychologists have not studied - athletes, people of mental labor, pupils of kindergartens, newborns, old people, but they were not interested in lovers. But lovers in all ages have been tormented by a thirst for introspection. Throw out your emotions into the world, tell about your beloved in a way that no one else could tell - that's what an excess of feelings entails. A letter, a note, a line of poetry, a lover is able to saturate with such information that would not be contained otherwise. scientific experiment. And this gave reason to the Bulgarian sexologist Kirill Vasilev to conclude: love sharpens the senses - hearing, touch, smell. It is this sharpness of perception that explains magical action the timbre of the voice of a loved one; the ear of a lover sensitively catches the quietest whisper, the rustle of a dress, the sound of footsteps.
Now let's imagine this. The brain makes us implement motivations and, in case of success, rewards us with positive emotions: satisfaction, joy, happiness, etc. At the same time, for the implementation of a huge part of motivations, some objects are required, which are quite specific and rare. The brain evaluates this, and the very search and "binding" of the necessary objects becomes one of the needs. The same scheme known to us is formed: the lack of the desired object (person) causes discomfort, we are looking for and one day we find it. What do we get if we're lucky? That's right, joy and happiness. Having found and “attached” such an object to ourselves, we experience strong positive emotions that the brain rewarded us with for successfully implemented motivation. We bought the computer necessary for work - we experienced joy. We admire it, turn it on, try different functions, feel sorry for it and protect it from any negative impacts. Bought nice clothes, which will distinguish us from others - we spin in it in front of a mirror, boast of it, wear it with pride, take care of it more than our eyes. We found an erudite interlocutor - we rejoice at the commonality of interests, we can’t talk enough with him, we want to communicate further. met interesting woman… However, I will not repeat myself.
But the brain is even smarter. He endows us with positive emotions not only on the fact of acquiring such an object, but also in advance. We experience a pleasant languor even when the object of interest to us has just appeared on the horizon.
I saw a cool bag in the store. Want Want!!! We spotted a cool car on the road. Want Want!!! seen at a party interesting man(woman). Want Want!!! Already at this stage, the brain is boiling with hormones of joy. And there is a reason - half the work is done, a specific object has been found. We receive an advance from the brain in order to complete the search we have begun.
What's next? And here's what. The very fact that the found object can realize one or two of our motivations will cause our mood to rise. But suddenly we find out that he can satisfy two more needs besides those two. This excites us more. The brain is satisfied and does not skimp on positive emotions. And then it turns out that the found object can realize a couple more motivations, and those that require specific participation. Or a very important motivation, like sexual. How does the brain react? He explodes with joy, gushing with hormones of happiness. Is this value to be missed? In no case!!! And we are running, flying on wings towards this wonderful object. With all our heart we want to be with him as long as possible, we strive to keep him with all our might.
Doesn't it remind you of anything? Yes, she is the one, sung by poets, philosophers, humanities-lyricists of all stripes.
LOVE- this is an attraction to an object colored by strong positive emotions that potentially or actually implements one or another of our motivations.
LOVE is a complex positive emotions, which is a reaction to an object that potentially or actually implements one or another of our motivations.
Choose any definition.
The strength of love depends on the significance and nature of the motivations that the object implements or can implement.
What realizes motivations of low importance can arouse in us no more than a slight and short interest. Above is love. It occurs when a person recognizes more characteristics of an object, and the brain determines that this object can implement several important motivations that require specificity. This is already a more valuable object, and the attraction to it is stronger. And finally, love. It arises to the most valuable, according to our brain, objects. Those that implement very important motivations for us and which are difficult to replace due to their specificity. The brain throws all its strength to make us hold on to the desired object.
Far from always we understand why we love, what features of the object caused emotions in us. This situation is described in the proverb "love is evil - you will love a goat." It seems that the action is illogical, but, as I already wrote, any illogical behavior is a sign of the implementation of unconscious motivation, most often instinctive.
The nature of love also differs. It depends on what kind of motivation the object can realize. We respect a person who satisfies our need for protection, we bow before his strength, courage, selflessness, we feel a sense of gratitude towards him. We also respect the object that fulfills the need for information, but in a different way (remember your attitude towards erudite, intelligent, wise people). To those who realize sexual motivation, we experience emotions with a strong sexual component. Children who realize our parental instinct are loved in a completely different way than parents who satisfy the need for support, protection, care for us.
Love can weaken and disappear. This happens in two cases:
1. When the motivations that the object implements cease to be important.
2. When an object is found that better copes with the implementation of motivations.
And what happens when the object ceases to realize motivations? There are two scenarios here:
1. The object, by its own will or due to external circumstances, has ceased to realize our motivations, but has not lost the ability to do so. IN such a case we have a feeling of attraction mixed with annoyance, a sense of loss. As you remember, this is a consequence of failed motivation. Love - the craving for the object - will first increase, because we have spent so much effort searching for and holding it. In addition, the object has proven that it can meet our needs, therefore, the search result was successful. In addition, the memory still keeps the time when he implemented our motivations: there is something to compare with.
However, the growth of craving (love) will not continue indefinitely. In the end, either the brain will come to terms with the loss, or it will find a replacement (even if less suitable). And here the love for the lost object disappears or is minimized to pleasant memories.
Sometimes the brain decides that the motivations that the object implemented were vital, and the object itself is unique and cannot be replaced. The loss of such a valuable object is incompatible with the continued existence of the organism. The man leaves a note "Without Her, life has no meaning" and commits suicide.
Often the reaction of the brain to the distance of the object is the opposite: the brain defines this as a failure to implement a very important motivation and does not skimp on negative emotions: anger, anger, resentment, hatred. Of course, they are aimed at a distant object. Yes, yesterday neurons ate hormones of joy, and today they carry impulses of anger along their axons. From love to hate one step. And this step is the refusal to implement motivations.
2. The object has lost the ability to realize motivation. It's much more difficult here. The range of emotions that arise can range from huge attachment and guilt (if the object has lost its function due to our oversight or “in performance”) to rejection and hatred, as described in the previous paragraph. Often a person abandons an object that has lost its function and finds a new one. Sometimes commits suicide, which is also explained above.
Often love changes its character. As children, we love our parents as people who protect and support us, and when they grow old, we love them as those who need our help. from erotic, sexual love to the spouse turns into something similar to partner affection or even pity, compassion. The whole point, again, is that the motivations implemented by the object are replaced.
What's happened mutual love? This is a situation where both people potentially or actually satisfy each other's needs, and at the same time both understand the high specificity (and hence the value) of the other. And what is unrequited love? This is a situation in which one person (the one who is loved) can realize the motivations of another (the one who loves), but the second person is not suitable for a similar role for the first. Why? Not necessarily the second person must be necessarily defective, bad. The point is that the different people different needs have different value. One seeks beauty in a partner and does not pay attention to the mind. Another prefers wealthy man and not so critical of appearance.
It happens that attraction arises to several people, that is, several objects at once turn out to be applicable for the implementation of certain motivations. Quite common occurrence. Love can arise for people who realize different motivations: we can love at the same time a mother, father, brother, son, two friends, a beloved woman and a wise teacher. Each of these people satisfies a certain group of needs that other objects are either unable to satisfy, or do it worse than he does. It may also be that a person feels love for several people who realize approximately the same range of motivations: a mother equally loves her five children. From the point of view of physiology, for example, the love of one man for several women and vice versa is normal. However, here ethics comes into play, which can one way or another taboo such relationships. Polygamy is ethically permissible in Islam: a husband loves one wife for her bodily beauty, another for her complaisant character, the third is prolific, and so on. Polyandry exists in some isolated tribes, for example, in Tibet, in southern Arabia. Most current cultures have adopted monogamy as the only possible variant relations between the sexes. Although, as I said, from the point of view of physiology, the love for several people of the opposite sex is as normal as the love of parents for several children or the love for several friends. The restriction is only ethical.
We are not the first to ask this question. When are children most often born from love? Is it true that men and women experience love differently? Why can people show sexual activity all year round, and not like animals in nature, in certain periods?
Since ancient times various questions associated with love, excited the minds of people. Probably since people understood where babies come from. Only understanding in this sense is also a relative category. For example, some Australian tribes, until recently, categorically denied the connection between sexual intercourse and pregnancy, assuring that the onset of pregnancy is entirely dependent on heavenly spirits. Although, however, the idea that the appearance of children, except for scientific explanation process, is a gift from Heaven, no one will refute.
What do anthropologists - scientists who deal with the problems of human existence - say about love?
Interesting data are provided by the Institute of Anthropology of the University of Wroclaw.
How do people choose their mate?
Today it is a whole science, although before everything was quite simple. The overwhelming majority of men chose the first free woman! It cannot be said that the same number of women willingly agreed to share bread and shelter with the first who offered them a hand and heart, but, nevertheless, there were enough of them. And there was no other way out, since people lived in settlements in groups of several dozen people. It often happened that a young man had the opportunity to choose as his companion only one single girl of about the same age group that he himself!
The appearance of a ban on closely related marriages among many peoples imposed even more restrictions: a young man who was too picky had every chance of remaining a bachelor in such a situation. But it was the man who was responsible for the continuation of the family! That is why, according to anthropologists, men are to this day less picky than women.
Modern life has turned out to be a completely “new environment”, a new environment for both women and men, as a result of which they are more serious about choosing a partner and looking for him longer. In men, the same sexual instinct is mainly responsible for the “choosiness” that has arisen with the passage of time: if earlier he knew everything about two or three girls in the district, among whom he could choose his wife, now the constantly emerging kaleidoscope of new faces - at work, at public transport, in places of rest - "confuses" him. Instinct tells me: get to know that one, that one, and that one too... So it turns out that a man "sorts out" until he understands who is who of the girls around and interested in him (and there can be oh so many of them in modern reality), and will not find a worthy life partner.
At the same time, it is interesting that in modern world all the same, they are concluded between people living, if not in the neighborhood, then at a fairly close distance. Polish scientists conducted an interesting experiment: a survey of residents of villages and towns lying above one of the major rivers, about where they would most likely look for a mate: on their banks or across the river. The answer turned out to be stunning: the vast majority of respondents noted that the search for a betrothed somewhere “over the river” is unlikely.
And this is in our days, with a well-developed infrastructure and transport support! Against this background, it may be surprising that, according to the same study, between people who know each other almost from the same sandbox, the probability of marriage is also extremely small! The so-called Westermark effect is triggered - a phenomenon discovered by anthropologist Edward Westermark: people of different sexes who were brought up together in the first years of life most often do not experience sexual attraction to each other in the future.
People, next to whom a person grows up to 3-5 years of life, are imprinted in his mind as the closest relatives. The concept works: you can’t have children with relatives, which means you can’t have sex with them either. Thus, for such people, a person develops a so-called. sexual aversion (lack of sexual desire). This point of view is completely opposite to the popular theory of Sigmund Freud, who believed that sexual attraction within one family, naturally, which was the reason for the society at one time to prohibit incest.
Westermarck effect
However, many modern research demonstrate the correctness of Westermark's concept, which "waited" for recognition by science for 60 years, breaking through the powerful armor of the complexes of Oedipus and Electra firmly rooted in the minds of the population! But, according to many anthropologists, these complexes confirm the Westermarck effect!
Oedipus lusted after his mother only because he had no contact with her for a long time.- the same can be said about the father who committed sexual abuse over his daughter, who was brought up away from him. This explains the fact that sexual abuse of children is 7 times more likely to be committed by adoptive fathers than by relatives! And if the biological father dared to do this, during the investigation it turns out that this person spent very, very little time with the child.
It's interesting that The Westermarck effect is stronger in women., who are much more likely to demonstrate, who are known from the cradle. The biological instinct works: you have to pay too dearly for a moment of weakness. How expensive, according to a recent study in the Czech Republic: out of 161 consanguineous marriages 17% ended in pregnancies. Of the children born from these pregnancies, one in four had severe birth defects. Comments, as they say, are unnecessary.
