How to be a man for a girl, not a friend. Menscom - Men's portal

They are united by work, common interests, they spend a lot of time together, but at the same time consider themselves just friends. Or does only one of them think so? It often happens that one has much stronger feelings for another, romantic feelings, the second one may not know about it or pretend that he does not know.

Often a lover does not want to admit his feelings, suspecting that they are not mutual, and fearing to lose the connection that exists. “Such “getting bogged down” in friendship, with an internal need for more, is frustrating and psychologically de-energizing,” says social psychologist and researcher interpersonal relationships Jeremy Nicholson. “Emotional dissatisfaction is combined with physical dissatisfaction, when we strive to fully possess a person, but do not get what we want.”

Olga and Sergey are friends. How best friend Sergey accompanies Olga everywhere she doesn’t want to be alone, gives gifts and helps. Sergei hopes that one day this friendship will turn into something more. However, Olga is quite happy with this situation: she receives closeness and support from her “friend” and gives almost nothing in return. She feels free for others romantic relationships and at the same time can turn to Sergei at any moment, who, apparently, is stuck in the “friend zone” forever.

However, you can remain an eternal friend by formally entering into a physical relationship. This form of relationship is called “friends without obligations.” Arina and Artem spend a lot of time together and sometimes have sex. Arina, however, would like a full-fledged relationship and a real spiritual closeness which she doesn't receive. Thus, the exchange in this union is also not in her favor.

It is important to be honest, first of all, with yourself and admit to yourself that you want much more from a relationship

Really, physical connection V in this case creates only the illusion of intimacy. And the one who finds himself in the “friend zone” still suffers from the emotional distance of his partner. Therefore, no matter in what capacity you are “friends,” it will always be a psychologically unhealthy, destabilizing position for the one who is in love and wants more.

All relationships that are meaningful and important to us involve some kind of exchange. This means that we voluntarily give something to each other and receive something in return. However, if someone ends up in the friend zone, then the exchange becomes unequal. One person gets everything he wants, and the second is forced to resign himself to not getting the main thing.

“It is necessary to change the psychological disposition of the existing relationship,” says Jeremy Nicholson. – It is important to be honest, first of all, with yourself and admit to yourself that you want much more from a relationship. Most likely, you yourself give a lot, and you need to balance this exchange.”

1. Show less interest

Begin to show less interest in your friend's affairs and don't be afraid to take a symbolic step back. By turning yourself into a psychological donor, showing readiness to rush in at any moment, listen and help resolve difficult situation(agree, this is exactly what you often do), you teach the other that this is the norm.

Let your partner understand that you expect more from your union, and only friendly support is not enough. The one who potentially turns out to be more determined to get out of an unsatisfactory relationship turns from a follower into a leader. In psychology, this behavior is described as the “principle of least interest.”

2. Let him miss you

Spend more time without your friend. If you are truly dear to him, then your disappearance will make him miss you and gradually realize the true significance of your presence. Social psychologist Robert Cialdini called this the “scarcity principle” in his book The Psychology of Influence. Finding that your involvement in his or her life has diminished, the person truly close to you begins to experience a sense of loss. This will increase his interest in you and perhaps motivate him to take the relationship to another level.

3. Create a sense of competition

May you make new friends of the opposite sex. And be sure to let your friend know about it. According to the Scarcity Principle, healthy competition and a little jealousy will also raise your stakes as a potential romantic partner.

The choice is yours: stay in the friend zone or find the strength within yourself and leave an alliance that has long ceased to be friendly

“People become especially appreciative of what they can lose,” says Jeremy Nicholson. “And if you don’t notice the slightest jealousy and desire to get you back in response, obviously you are not as dear to your friend as you would like.” He really doesn't see you in any other role. The choice is yours: to remain in the friend zone, thereby depriving yourself of the likely opportunity to start a relationship with another person, or to find strength within yourself and leave an alliance that has long ceased to be friendly.”

4. Encourage caring

Don't be shy about asking your friend for help. Even if you don’t really need it, create such situations. Contrary to popular belief, people unconsciously become more attached if they themselves have invested a part of themselves in the relationship, and not if they themselves have received care and support. The more they invest a wide variety of resources in you: time, money, attention, the more emotionally valuable you become.

So help less and ask for help more often. Share problems and ask for advice, ask for a ride home... Even something as small as asking someone to make you tea or grab something along the way can be very significant.

5. Respond with gratitude

Be gentle and attentive if someone took care of you and did something nice. This unconsciously motivates your counterpart to continue to receive your positive reaction and, in turn, experience pleasure. At the same time, some of your withdrawal in response to something you don’t like can serve as a signal to start changing something in your relationship.

How not to become a girl's friend? And how to act to become her lover?

Unfortunately, many guys don’t know why they become just friends for girls. And if they manage to start some kind of relationship, then soon they hear the legendary phrase: “Let’s remain friends.”

The result you get is laid at the very beginning of your communication with her. Sometimes little things in your behavior can change the course of a relationship..

How to become a lover and not become a friend for a girl?

I could start answering these questions right away by describing the correct behavior strategy. But it won't make sense if you don't know...

What makes you a friend

We'll start with what deprives you of sex with girls in the first place.

Seeking approval

You smile every time she says something, thereby showing your neediness.

You laugh at all her jokes, even when they are not funny at all. And she sees Your wish get approval and quickly get her into bed.

Your behavior with her is unnatural, because every minute of time you think about how you need to do the right thing so that she doesn’t leave, doesn’t get offended and “gives” you. Instead of showing her true self even in those moments where she might not like it. You are very afraid of upsetting her.

You may even tend to be too polite or overly positive when she's around you. Believe me, she will feel this falsehood.

Neediness

You are ready to put aside all your affairs in order to meet her.

You cannot set your own conditions for the meeting (time and place) and agree to those that she offers.

You often call and try to establish communication with her. Instead of being self-sufficient and calling only when you are in a very good mood and have nothing else to do.

Willingness to help

She may hint to you that she needs help. Or just talk about your problems. And now you are ready to help her solve all her problems.

Yes, after solving her problems, she will praise you and show you approval in the “good doggie” style. But sexual desire definitely won't feel it.

The same goes for listening to her problems. If you are thinking about how not to become a girl's friend, and you allow her to pour mental feces on herself about how bad life is, then be prepared to fail.

What do we have to do? Talk only about positive topics. If she starts talking about bad things, then immediately try to change the subject. And don’t be afraid to refuse her requests for initial stages relationships.

Disputes about relationships

At one time, when I just started studying female psychology, I began to notice interesting feature. When I talked to girls about relationships, I implied that the guys were good. I also tried to show that relationships are a miracle that should be appreciated and meet each other halfway.

At the same time, other guys who weren’t trying to prove anything (and some even said: “yes, we’re assholes”) and behaved in such a way that the girls literally “got crazy” almost always got sex.

It remained a mystery to me why I, a person who shows his love for girls, did not receive anything.

However, a little later I realized that trying to prove my “goodness” in conversations about relationships showed my weakness, neediness and approval seeking.

What is the conclusion? I think you understand everything yourself.

Voluntary willingness to become a friend

You can become a friend simply because you are willing to do so yourself. 🙂

If you are not confident that you can seduce her, then you can simply try to be closer to her, hoping for a successful result in the distant future.

This is the wrong approach and will not allow .

Failure to take advantage of opportunities in time

Or, speaking in simple language, you just “slow down” in those moments when she gives the green light.

How to become a girl's lover

The first thing to do is - show your intention.

Girls are constantly doubting creatures. 🙂 They may want you themselves. But if they are not sure that you want them too, they will not take a single step towards you. And if they do, they will feel easily accessible (which they are very afraid of).

Therefore, you need to show your sexual intention literally from the first minutes of communication. Already when you meet, try to touch her. Touch her earrings, saying that they go well with the shape of her face. On a date, immediately take her hand and lead her to the place where you will spend time. Touch her arms, elbows, shoulders and waist from time to time.

At the second touch meeting - required element. If you don't touch this time, you will most likely fail again. Moreover, the second date is the moment when you should already make an attempt to bring her to your home.

And it doesn’t matter whether she agrees or not - the main thing is that you show your intention.

On the third date, you will have to attempt to have sex with her. How to do this - I wrote in the article “”. Again, although positive result will give more emotions, don’t be afraid to get rejected. After all, you are doing everything just to demonstrate your intention.

Besides, you must ensure ease of communication. "Hard" conversations almost always make you a friend to a girl. But humor, flirting and jokes are what evoke emotions in her and create the image of a confident and sexually attractive man. I advise you to read about it.

Now you know how not to become a girl's friend, and how to act to become her lover.

Most likely, the habits left over from your old behavior will not allow you to quickly change your strategy for communicating with girls. And it may seem that the rules described in this article do not work. But the main thing is to continue to follow these tips, despite the lack quick results. Soon yours new model communicating with girls will become natural, and you will finally begin to get positive results.

The first date was a success. You walked for a long time in the park or had a great dinner in a cafe, the girl laughed a lot and told you interesting stories, and then you walked her home. And he didn’t kiss. And if he kissed, it was so modestly, on the cheek. You are a gentleman and are not used to putting pressure on a lady.
And the second date went well. You heard stories that are not told to others, the girl puzzled you with her small problems, which you immediately volunteered to help solve. And she happily agreed.
And the third or fourth date went in the same spirit. Don't you think there's something wrong here?

Right! Gradually you become a friend, but not a boyfriend or lover. But the difference is colossal. They tell their friend everything they want, they meet with him periodically and accept small gifts from him, but so pleasant for any girl, but the girl no longer has any sexual associations when she sees her friend.
You will continue to chat with the girl for hours and solve her problems, but she will never stay overnight with you, and most likely will not even allow you to take your relationship in a more or less romantic direction. But she will do it with pleasure with a guy, forgetting about your existence along the way. Girls need male friends to tell them about their problems, and when everything is good, then the need for you is not so great. Your chance is lost.

And this happened because you did not try to develop your relationship. Your second meeting ended exactly like the first. All the following ended similarly. And all because at a certain stage you were afraid to show a little persistence. The girl refused to offer her lips for a kiss, and you agreed. And then he suggested seeing each other again. So she felt that she could very well keep you close to her, but at the same time give nothing in return. Moreover, like this in a simple way the girl tested your persistence. Since you immediately abandoned any attempts to get closer, it means that the lady will draw the logical conclusion that this is not what you really wanted.
Did you touch her on a date? or at least tried? just not by the hand, but by the leg? And since he didn’t touch or even try, but wanted to, it means the man is unsure of himself.
In short, you didn’t show yourself to be a man, but showed good boy, that’s why they only give you “children’s candy.” The solution to the problem is obvious - a combination of your persistence and tenderness. Naturally, the main thing is not to overdo it with persistence. Rough physical strength is completely excluded. At first, turn to kinesthetics. You probably forgot that you can absolutely legally take a girl by the hand when crossing the road. And then, sitting in a cafe, look at the design on her nails, and at the same time stroke gentle hand. Give a compliment and pat her on the knee. Next, get closer to more intimate places. Express your desire to smell delicate aroma her perfume. And now your lips are already close to the neck, and your hand simultaneously hugs the girl’s waist.

Of course, during your first meetings, a girl may perceive your persistence relatively negatively. But if she feels that her refusals do not bother you at all, much less stop you, then she will have no choice but to start playing by your rules. She also understands very well that otherwise she will simply lose you. So if you manage to achieve your goal once, then it will only get easier. Very soon the girl will come to terms with the fact that you make the rules. And such a man is given not only to touch his knee, but also everything else.

Very rarely, you may meet representatives of the fair half of humanity who will react extremely negatively to your persistent attempts to get closer.

But do you lose something in this case? Absolutely not. If you show persistence, the girl will move away from you, and if you don’t show it, then you will remain a friend. But in the second case, you will spend a lot of your time and money on the girl, without receiving absolutely anything in return. But at this time, other guys will not listen to girls’ stories, but will spend their time much more interestingly.

It turns out that everything is not so complicated. The main thing is to understand that your future status depends solely on you and your behavior, and with God’s help and a pickup truck, you can replace one girl with another. It's your choice!

Read on the topic

Such a story can happen at any time in your life: at school, at university or at work. Imagine: you meet a woman, you like her, you are attracted to her. She likes you too, but “in a different way.” She wants to be friends with you. When your friends meet girls, they have no problem: they immediately jump into bed and never meet their casual friends again. And you are different for some incomprehensible fuck. You cultivate this friendship with a woman, hoping that one day she will change her mind. You can somehow speed up this process - we have selected as many as six ways.

1. Go on a date with someone else

You want her to date you. But sitting around her forever and waiting for weather by the sea is not the best way. She may not change her mind at all, you know that? It not only spends your time, this is generally counterproductive. If she sees you dating other girls and having fun, she will become interested in you in just the right way. She will wonder why you attracted the attention of these beauties and what they found in you that escaped her attention. And she will appreciate you again. Besides, the girls are strange. When a guy is constantly nearby, when he is ready to wait as long as he wants, for some reason he is immediately written off. If you've already spent some time as her lapdog, she'll get used to you - just like a piece of furniture. And if she sees that you are slipping away from her hands, a possessive feeling will awaken in her, and she will be afraid that she might lose you. You can see for yourself: it’s not enough to just hang out with dudes, drink beer and think about her. This won't help matters.

2. Flirt with her

Don't overdo it, just let her know you're interested in her. You're not a girlfriend with eggs who you can go shopping with. You want to show her that you are funny, smart and sexy. This can be easily done with flirting and a casual compliment. Do you think that she already understands everything herself? She doesn't understand anything. In general, she may understand very little about men. Seriously, sometimes it gets ridiculous. I've met friends like this: a guy rolls his testicles towards her with all his might, but she doesn't understand this and blithely continues to hang out with him, calling him her friend. What friend? Your friend may be just like that. If he doesn't notice, give me a hint. Everyone will benefit.

3. Listen to her

When she's talking and you're pretending to listen, are you actually coming up with the next brilliant strategy to get her into bed? Do you really like her or do you just think she's hot? Do you have feelings for her that are completely overshadowed by desire? You're not an animal, bro. Listen to what she wants to tell you, communicate. React like anyone else normal person, advise, ask questions. And then even more: open your mouth and tell her what she wants to hear. Works! It’s not for nothing that they say that women love with their ears. They like to talk, what can you do. Moreover, this may turn out to be a double profit: suddenly she is very interesting person and you will recognize her with new side? Or, on the contrary, suddenly she complete fool and are you wasting your precious time on it?

4. Look good

Yes, you may not be her boyfriend, but this fact does not oblige you to wear stretched T-shirts, not comb your hair and smell bad. You are a man, yes, they also say that a man should be a little more beautiful than a monkey. A little bit, but still more beautiful, bro! So shave, comb your hair, use mouthwash and deodorant. Always make sure you look good. We believe that in relationships with women, appearance is not the most important thing, but it also matters. We also said that confidence is half the success. Look good - feel confident - achieve success. Where did I go wrong?

5. Get rid of the sour face

If you're hanging out with a girl you like and doesn't like you back, you're probably looking like a sufferer - sad and pathetic. However, if you realize A Remember that life does not end with this complexity, you will find a lot of reasons why you can be happy, why you can smile and thereby send her a message. Which? That you are in a good mood, that everything is fine with you, that you are confident and nice man. What more? It’s worth spending time with you, and besides, it’s also pleasant. So if she sees you in good mood, she can conclude that you are a pleasant type, it’s interesting and cozy to be with you.

6. Not every day

If you want her to change her mind about you, don't spend too much time with her. You are not a household item. You cannot be used every time you are needed. Spend two or three days in a row with her, let it be fun and interesting, have fun. And then don't see her for a week. Don't even call her. When you finally dial her number or meet her, you will see a change in her: she misses you. If she sees you constantly, she does not have the opportunity to think and understand what you mean to her, what place you occupy in her life. When she misses you, it is likely that she will realize that you are the very person she would like to see next to her.

The girl for whom you have far-reaching plans talks about problems in personal life and assures you that only you understand her? Watch out! According to Dan Green, author of the video course “The Art of Seduction,” this may mean that you have ceased to exist as a sexual object for her and she has enrolled you in the category of friends. To break out of this ghetto, do this.

Out of range

“Many guys believe that by surrounding a girl with 24-hour care, they will pave the shortest route to bed,” Dan complains. “But that only happens in romantic comedies.”

Rushing across the city at the first call to help her turn up the radio a little louder is the last thing. If your help comes to her effortlessly, she will quickly get used to it.

Say “no” to requests more often than not, or you'll end up agreeing to babysit her cat on the weekend she spends with a head-to-toe tattooed biker.

In a fit of jealousy

Feel free to discuss with her the charms of other girls (“Have you seen the legs of our new secretary? No? Wait, now I’ll sing about them to you!”). If you express your admiration for her friends or acquaintances, the girl may want to enter into an affair with them. competition out of purely sporting interest.

“No matter how hackneyed the trick may be, jealousy is still the trump card in your deck,” Dan assures. If a girl has even the slightest sexual interest in you, this simple trick will make all the difference.

Burn her bridges

Overcome your shyness and don’t blush in a suffocating wave when you lightly touch your paper folders. Let her understand that the question of who you are for her - an ordinary friend or lover - has long been resolved. Kiss the girl every time you meet, hug her around the waist, etc. Your attitude it should be clear to her without words.

“The main reason why a girl will friend a man is because he acts like a friend,” Dan explains.

Preemptive strike

Get ahead of her with the line “Let’s just be friends.” These words will be useful to you when you feel that your relationship, which was developing so well at first, has stalled. This sacramental phrase said in right time V in the right place(for example, at the end of a good evening spent together), will help push your friend to the next logical step. The girl, of course, understands what exactly you need from her. Therefore, if you suddenly reject her, she will make every effort to make you change your mind.