Should my child be punished for bad grades? Obsessive fear of a bad assessment: what to do

In most cases, parents, having learned about a bad mark, begin to express their opinion in all ways. negative attitude to the situation. Dissatisfaction can be expressed in words, gestures, incessant lectures, and some even grab the belt. Seeing such a parental reaction, children often withdraw into themselves, stop trusting their parents, begin to deceive in order to avoid repetition. unpleasant situation. Growing up, children move away from their parents even more, ignore their demands and statements.

What should parents do in such a situation? Despite the fact that the situation with a deuce is not very pleasant, try to control yourself, do not call names or scold the child, do not speak badly about him. mental abilities and so on. Schoolchildren perceive such criticism not as an assessment of their knowledge, but as a mockery of their personality.

It is also not necessary to treat with humor or ignore the fact of receiving an unsatisfactory grade, such a reaction from parents can provoke a child to abandon school altogether. If necessary, you can help the child with homework, explain the material that is not understood, but you don’t need to do homework for the student, such a disservice will not bring any benefit in the future.

If the child did not learn the lessons without a good reason, for example, he forgot or walked on the street, played with friends, etc., you do not need to cover him up in front of the teacher. The child must be responsible for all his actions.

How to respond to a bad rating? First of all, pull yourself together, sit next to the child and try to explain what caused the failing mark. Be sure to say that you are upset too, that you can try to help if possible. A bad grade is not always the result of a lack of necessary knowledge, sometimes poor health, a conflict in the classroom or with a teacher, poorly understood material, etc. can affect.

Due to the fact that in Lately a large amount of lessons are given at home, and the teacher gives the necessary minimum, then, quite possibly, the child simply did not understand the material. Try to understand this topic together with the student, if necessary, call the teacher, if any financial opportunity you can visit a tutor.

If poor academic performance is associated with the inability to speak in front of an audience, practice with your child to tell the report and abstract aloud, in the presence of the rest of the family. When the student masters the incomprehensible material, ask him to approach the teacher to correct the bad mark. And, most importantly, be a friend to your child in any situation, so that he knows that he will be understood and supported in the family.

Good day dear parents! Confess which one of you has school years were there any bad marks in the diary? Even if someone is an avid excellent student, everyone probably had two.

Now remember what was the reaction of your parents? Most likely, you came across a stern look from your father or a raised voice from your mother, ready to immediately send you to sweep the yards with a broom or wash the porches with a rag. After all, it is precisely this prospect that even today many parents predict for their “successful” children in their studies.

And how is it really right: to scold a child for bad marks, to praise for the fact that he still somehow manages to “roll over” from class to class, or to reassure an excellent student who has received an “unsuccessful” that “it happens to everyone”?

Lesson plan:

As it often happens

Well-established statistics: having learned about the deuce received by the child, we involuntarily “turn on” the negative reaction. Is it true? Certainly! We start to get angry, try to read the notation that you need to learn everything on time, accompany this with an increased intonation and non-verbal language fingers of the hands we are displeasedly indignant.

What do we have in return? Faced with such an aggressive reaction a couple of times, when they scold, without even understanding, why the “deuce again”, the student withdraws into himself, closes himself and simply does not bring to the attention of the results of his “progress”, pushing the reprehensible procedure as far as possible, until the “secret won't become apparent.

It passed one, two, three, and not to say that something is not working out is an established habit, accompanied by lies and concealment of the true state of things. And we begin to resent for another reason: “Yes, he (she) is also lying!” Although, according to psychologists, such a lie is nothing more than a simple attempt by the child to defend himself from parental aggressive attacks.

Where does it end? As a rule, the classics of the genre - to adolescence child, we cannot speak the same language. Our children, as we begin to say, "become uncontrollable": parents are not heard, complaints are ignored. And what is interesting, we do not rummage in the depths of memory and do not look for the reasons for this behavior, but continue to read notations with the confidence that everything will finally change. Alas, it won't change.

And here is the paradox: it would seem that the usual deuce, with whom it does not happen, but how many consequences! I will give the opinion of psychologists, which will give an unequivocal answer to our question: scolding a schoolboy of 7-12 years old for a bad mark at school simply does not make sense. At this age, children are not yet able to wisely assess the situation and make correct conclusions from your criticism. There will be only one conclusion: "I'm bad!" Is it necessary?

Importance of Marks

In our schools, only first-graders are exempted from the grading system, for whom teachers draw smiles and gloomy faces in notebooks in the first year of study. For everyone else, this is a measure when the label “loser” and “excellent student” sticks to a child.

At the same time, the classical Russian school used to impose the stereotype of universal assessment and distribute stamps in public: ask how this or that child studies, and most of the students, not to mention teachers, will tell you in colors about his progress. And it becomes either a complex or raises to a pedestal, accustoming to dependence on the assessment of others for the rest of your life.

Yes, for us parents school marks often also important. We believe that this is an indicator of the child's future success," green light» for admission to the best universities in the country and a rapidly flying up career. But I have to disappoint you: this is not a 100% lucky ticket that opens all doors. No! This is only half of the future success.

But no ratings. That is why it is necessary to explain why there are “five” in the school, and why they put “two”, and why it will be useful to study well, but at the same time, bad marks are not always an indicator of ignorance, but a reason to catch up.

And that this is not at all because to say with an excellent assessment that “you are good today”, but to show that “you are bad” with a “deuce”. This is, first of all, an assessment of the work and a reason to work on the gaps. In general, psychologists advise not to focus on the received "2" and "3" when it flashes only occasionally. But with the regular appearance of "red swans" it is worth looking for reasons.

• It may be too complicated school program, which is beyond the power of the child without taking into account his natural inclination towards certain sciences.
• The reason for failure is often the loss of motivation to study or delayed depression, when it becomes simply uninteresting to study well.
• A student often gets “twos” through the fault of the teacher, for example, because of the biased attitude of the teacher towards him or because of the low qualification of the teacher, who inadequately explains the educational material to the children.

And how should it be?

So, now it is obvious to us whether it is possible to reprimand your student for bad grades. No, you can't! Parental swearing is not an assistant in learning, but only an excuse to settle insecure and cause disgust for the entire educational process in principle.

So what are we angry parents to do? Vedas here is a "double-edged sword". If you do not pay attention at all, you can start all your studies, which will be oh so difficult to raise to the proper level.

Well, did I convince you that the carrot method without a stick works in the issue of grades? How do you deal with poor performance? Tell us in the comments) Do not forget to subscribe to blog news so as not to miss anything important and interesting!

More fives for you!

A small child perceives "5" or "4" not just as a mark, but as an assessment of his personality - good or bad. Not without reason, in some pedagogical systems, marks are completely abandoned so as not to create unnecessary reasons For . How adequately a child can perceive grades depends, for the most part, on the family. Indeed, sometimes parents forget that not only the result is important, but also participation, and study is a process of obtaining not so much grades as knowledge.

In addition, marks are always subjective: the result may be affected by the excitement or attitude of the teacher. But often it is the attitude of the parents towards them that influences the perception of assessments by the child, and the latter, in turn, can be divided into several types.

Anxious parents. Most often because of the estimates are worried anxious parents: for them - an indicator of the success of their child, and, consequently, this is their assessment as an effective or ineffective parent: in other words, how their contribution to the child was assessed by the society. "For these moms and dads, a bad grade is catastrophic - if he has a 2, then I - bad parent", - explains Anna Fateeva, child psychologist Crisis Center for Women and Children.

authoritarian parents. Children of demanding, controlling, critical parents experience the situation with grades no less hard. Often such people are forced to rewrite the task before perfect look, meet the four, and even more so the three in the diary with severe silence, lectures or punishments. The child begins to be afraid of evaluations, especially if he has already met with punishment - physical or emotional.

Narcissistic parents. It also happens that it is important for parents to present the results of the child to the public: to be proud, boast, brag, and then the parents - explicitly or not - broadcast to the child: “If you are not successful, you do not live up to our expectations, we don’t need you like that.” Here we are dealing with a situation of rejection, which, accordingly, will lead to excessive and panic before showing the diary to parents.

Pitiful parents. Some overprotective mothers are inclined and ready to alleviate his suffering at any moment. With them, children quickly understand: if you cry after you get a deuce, you will not only not be scolded, but they will even pat you on the head, take pity on you and buy a chocolate bar. Now the baby uses this method every time just to play it safe.

The source of the problem can be not only the family, but also the school environment: an overly strict teacher or a competitive classroom environment can also provoke an exaggerated reaction to grades. In this case, the child begins to fear that classmates will not accept him because of poor academic performance.

Daria Dmitrieva

psychologist at the Crisis Center for Women and Children

What to do if a child is too worried about grades?

When a child is only, his fear of marks is almost certainly due to the fact that he does not know what reaction to expect from his parents, and therefore is anxious. If it's not already Small child and the negative reaction to the assessments has become systematic, which means that the situation requires attention.

“Try to understand why the child is so worried about grades,” advises psychologist Daria Dmitrieva. - Are you afraid that your mother will swear? He ashamed? Does he think he's stupid? Did the guys laugh at him? Did the teacher insult him? In each individual case, the approach to the problem will be different.

Nevertheless, we can try to give some general recommendations.

1. From the first grade, teach your child the right attitude to learning."I'm pleased when you get an 'A', but other marks aren't the end of the world." You should not say: “Oh, did you get a four? What are you, stupid? Here I am at your age ... "The child should be told that "4" does not say anything bad about his personality, character, etc. This is just one of the tools for measuring knowledge.

2. Explain to the child that he has the right to make mistakes. Maybe the child is embarrassed to say that he misunderstood the topic, or he can’t, or this is due to absences due to illness. It is important to support kids so that they are not afraid to say: “I don’t understand, explain.”

3. Don't compare your child to other children who are doing better. This is at least unconstructive. If you want, compare today's results with the success of your child yesterday: “Look, you learned to write this word without mistakes”, “Look, you already write compositions better.”

When baby goes to first class, parents are worried: what will be his success in school? Gradually, the first grader gets used to the educational process, parents calm down, because grade results are carried out only verbally: “well done”, “good”, “be careful”. Scolding a child for grades no need.

The next surge of parental experiences begins when the child enters the second grade and marks appear in the diary.
- I didn't understand! - Angrily shouts mother at her son - a second grader. - Why today "two"?
“I made a mistake dividing words into syllables,” the boy replies guiltily.
- Well, nothing: I’ll beat you in the evening - you’ll immediately separate the syllables! - The mother says angrily and almost runs to the exit, and the son, barely moving his legs, dejectedly trails after her, expecting punishment.

But it could have been done differently. It was necessary to ask why the child received such a mark that it was not clear to him in the lesson, and to reassure: “At home, we will practice dividing words into syllables, and tomorrow it will be more interesting for you in the lesson, and you will feel more confident.” Parents often forget that grades are an indicator of a child's knowledge and skills. If the student received a low grade, then the punishment of the mind will not add to him, on the contrary, by punishing, the parents move further and further in the direction of a dead-end relationship with the child.

There is another type of parent - like this mom:

“I don’t want to hear anything,” she says to her daughter, who is in the fourth grade, “I only need marks “4” and “5”!
The girl's mother's words make her heart bitter, scary. Here the teacher announces that a fourth-grader wrote a dictation in Russian for a three. The child, fearing punishment, rushes to the teacher's table and kneels:
- Please! Do not give me a "3", my mother will kill me at home if I get below "4".
The teacher, not knowing what to do, froze at these words. Having kind heart, she told the student that she would allow her to rewrite the dictation tomorrow. The girl breathed a sigh of relief. The next day, she wrote the dictation again on "3", but the teacher, taking pity on the girl, corrected the mistake with blue ink and put "4".
The child did not reach high results, and soon began to “cry out” grades in all subjects. And here a decisive situation for the psyche has developed: to study a subject or to learn to beg?
Mom called school psychologist. He explained the harmfulness of her behavior for the formation of a child's interest in learning and advised to work with the girl on those topics that she does not understand. And if the parents themselves cannot competently explain, then the psychologist recommended hiring a tutor to reveal the “dark” sides of science. Thus, the problem was solved: the girl eliminated the gaps in all subjects, and now, if she gets a "2" or "3", her mother asks where exactly and what she does not understand. The parents of this girl now look at grades not as the end of the world, but as a result. joint work child, teacher and your own.

Each parent understands the importance of assessment and knowledge of the child in their own way. Here one mother says to another: “Why don’t you demand high scores from your daughter, because she knows more than my son, and her grades are lower? No one will appreciate her modesty in our time.” And he hears in response: “I’m not going to make a hysterical out of my daughter, it’s more important for me what remains in her head. In a situation where the teacher constantly pushes, it is psychologically difficult for her to lay out everything she knows. If you push her a lot, and also scream, she can generally get confused, close in herself and not tell anything. Unfortunately, praise and support
on the part of teachers is still difficult to enlist. Your son may say: “Wait, I haven’t told everything yet” or “Please don’t put “3”, I will bring an essay about the lakes”, but my daughter, because of her temperament, cannot do this.

Think! Did you, adults, studying at school, always get "five"?
And is it really always, when you brought "2", "3", "4", you were severely punished? Or is the reason hidden precisely in this: you didn’t study very well, you have a “weak student” complex from childhood, and you want to transfer all unrealizable dreams to a child?

Love your children! Maybe stop treating them like guinea pigs? Maybe it's time to remember that they are small personalities with their rich inner world? Give children more freedom, do not crush with authoritarianism, communicate with them more, then they will be able to meet you halfway in some way. And don't forget that a lot of good, talented people weren't straight A students. The main thing is to teach and educate in such a way that the child has a “core” of humanity and a desire for good.

Did you like it? Click the button:

Any parent raising a schoolchild has at least once faced the problem of whether or not to punish a son or daughter for bad grades? Before you grab a belt, which is basically unacceptable in education, or deprive a child of a computer for a deuce brought from school, try to understand yourself. Why does this fact bother you so much? It will also not be superfluous to clarify the reasons for the poor performance of the child.

The importance of grades in school

Learning in a child's life school age plays important role but far from being the main one. Most often, poor grades upset more parents. Psychologists advise not to emphasize excessive attention on deuces, if the child only occasionally gets bad marks. But if low school performance has become systematic, it is worth taking action. First of all, you need to find out the reason for this behavior and the objectivity of the marks. It is not uncommon for students to receive poor grades unfairly. But if the deuces are well deserved, it’s worth considering why this fact hurts you so much?

Almost all parents dream that their children study at school with "good" and "excellent". They worry about the future and career of their child, and this is normal. But is it worth giving the figures in the diary such great importance? We will not recall the great geniuses-losers, but the fact remains that school performance is not a 100% happy ticket to a prosperous and successful future. It is much more important to develop the abilities and talents of the child.

Some psychologists advise hiring tutors or paying attention to the study of precisely those subjects for which the child has an inclination. By developing their talents, a son or daughter will be able to gain a deeper knowledge of subjects that will help them in their future careers. To be successful in all subjects at "5" most often does not make sense. This only plunges the child into additional stress and motivates not to obtain high-quality knowledge, but to mechanically hunt for beautiful marks in the diary.

Reasons for poor school performance

If a child does not study well, there may be several reasons:

• The student lost motivation and interest in learning.
• Poor grades can be the result of a child's demonstrative behavior.
• The teacher does not present the material well enough.
• The child is under chronic stress.

• It is difficult for a student to gain new knowledge, there are no skills for effective assimilation of information.
• Strained relationship with teacher or peers.
• Parents place a high value on grades.

By eliminating the causes of poor performance in school, you can significantly improve the situation with grades.

Should you be punished for bad grades?

We come to the most important thing - should the child be punished for bad grades? And in general, how to respond to school performance? Psychologists advise not to punish a child for deuces, but to respond to laziness and laxity. If you see that the child used to study “good” and “excellent”, and now he began to slide down, it is urgent to find the reason for this behavior before the situation worsens.

If the main reasons for poor grades are excessive enthusiasm computer games, long walks with friends on the street, then it is worth limiting this, and not scolding for deuces. Find out the reason for the loss of motivation to study and only then take preventive measures.

It is worth remembering that all children are different. For whom a red mark in the diary is a big stress, for someone it is an insignificant event that should not be given importance. Younger schoolchildren react especially sharply to negative assessments. Constantly punishing a child for deuces without finding out the reasons, and not supporting him morally, you drive him into even more stress.

Finished a quarter on "5"? Hold your tablet!

You should also not engage in the prevention of twos, encouraging good academic performance with material goods and other bonuses. This behavior of parents forces the child to mechanically receive grades at school without delving into subjects. We all remember our childhood and comrades who begged teachers for good grades tears, manipulation and other unhealthy ways.

Praise your child for success by comparing his “today” with “yesterday”. Do not use more successful peers as an example, this hurts the child's psyche and mentally alienates you from the child. Use the word "but" more often in speech. “Yes, you draw badly, but in mathematics there are only fives”, “Yes, you got a three, but this time you made fewer mistakes”, etc.

Remember that the motivation to study depends on the attitude of the teacher to his subject, the attitude of parents to study and the personal stimulus of the student. The alliance of these factors gives excellent results. Do not supervise the student unnecessarily, especially in the lower grades. Do not do homework for him, just check the assignments.

Let the school not be a heavy duty, and the motivation to study - avoiding punishment for deuces. Then the child will be able to develop a healthy interest in new knowledge, while receiving real pleasure from studies.

You have just read an article on our website. Please rate it on a scale of 1 to 5 in the comments. And, if it's not difficult, write a few words about what you think about modern education.