If a small child fights with parents. Do not be afraid. A small child is fighting: what should parents do

“Children are the flowers of life” perhaps this is the phrase with which the kindergarten teacher and parents of classmates will not agree if we are talking about your child. And the reason for everything: the child is fighting in kindergarten, and if you're reading this article, I bet you don't know what to do about it.

Actually, you are not the only parent who has faced this problem and your tomboy is not unique in its kind. I will say more, I myself have encountered such a problem with each of my children and I can guarantee that all parents face such a problem sooner or later.

Sometimes it’s wild to hear from a teacher or an angry mother: “You know, your son / daughter hit the child! Take action, take care of education, blah blah blah ... ”And honestly, I want to snort and defend my child with a mountain, because he is such a nice kid, he won’t touch anyone with his finger and is generally a good boy. And then you notice that a child can really hit mom, dad, cat and ... dead end. Attempts to explain anything are doomed to failure, because the child does not listen at all, does the opposite, and more and more unpleasant incidents are repeated in the garden, the parents threaten reprisal, and the manager is already hinting at a transfer to another group.

What to do then? And you really need to do it, because this is really a problem. Previously, I tried to figure out the situation myself, I explained to the child that it was bad to fight, but the next day I took him to the garden and he continued anyway. Then I thought that the mother of me was useless and I was raising an uncontrollable child. But after rummaging through books about child psychology, I was surprised to emphasize that I was far from the only one in my grief, and, most importantly, there were ways out, it was important to find the root cause! I propose to deal with this together.

Causes of child aggression and, as a result, fights

You can refer to crises, age features, the formation of personality, call it what you want, but this is child psychology clean water. It is precisely by understanding our child, having learned not only to hear, but also to listen to our precious offspring, that we are able to understand and eradicate the cause of such behavior. So where do we start?

In fact, there is no one universal reason why a beloved child spreads his arms so zealously, there are not two or even three of them. Moreover, there may be a difficult situation in which the cause of children's fights are two situations that are inseparable from each other. In any case, such behavior is inappropriate, and a small person needs the help of parents in the first place. Who will help the parents? After all, not all of us have a degree in pedagogy and psychology and are not even able to figure out what's what.

But the child really needs help, moreover, parents make a terrible mistake, letting the situation take its course, and even worse, they indulge it. It becomes amusing for some to look at a two-three-year-old who is furiously waving his fists, they say, “wow, what a fight,” and someone thinks that he will “outgrow” or “let him learn to fend for himself.” No, no, no, no, that's not the answer. Do you know what will happen next? And then - worse. The child becomes an outcast, an outsider. They do not want to play and communicate with him, because he cannot do otherwise, just fight. He gets even angrier, as a result, a person grows up, unadapted to society, with a million complexes, old grievances and cruelty, he is used to achieving his goal only by force and "concerts". Is this what we want?

The reasons why children fight may come from the age of the child, or they may be the result of society and family norms. Anyway, let's highlight a few main reasons.

Age.

Often this is what causes aggression in a child. And that's okay. one year old baby gives cuffs to everyone in a row, because with a new stage in his life - independent walking - a new space has become available, he can reach out to what was previously inaccessible, study those interesting vases and pull the tablecloth off the table. With this, a lot of prohibitions appeared, because not everything is suitable for toys for a little researcher. As a result of these bans - a protest in the form of fights and aggression.

Another case: the baby is already a little older, about 2 years old. In this case, the imperfection of speech gives rise to aggression and fights. Imagine this situation: you are trying to explain something, to ask for something very necessary, but you cannot speak and do not know how to show it. After vain attempts to achieve what you want, there is nothing left to do but, in desperation, hit the mother, father, who does not understand anything, etc .;

Hyperexcitability and character traits

If a small choleric grows out of a baby, then it is more difficult for him to cope with raging emotions than for a calm melancholic child. This is what he throws out in a fight. However, there may be another situation: health problems, for example, increased intracranial pressure, and as a result, excitability and irritability.

Here, please, a story from life: one mother complained about her fighting son (3 years old), went to the doctors, even took some drugs. It seems that the aggression was suppressed, but later baby diagnosed with autism. And even later it turned out that by fighting he was trying to attract attention and at least somehow communicate, because he didn’t know how to do otherwise (delay speech development). Although earlier even experts did not take this into account;

New Behavior Model

There is a brilliant phrase (I don’t remember who said): “Nothing is normal. What is harmony for a spider is chaos for a fly. So it is in the behavior of children. Who said fighting is not normal? And why is it normal to be an obedient sweet child? Children are explorers by nature, they constantly study this world, try it by heart (in every sense) and absorb information, forming a new personality. The kid tries to achieve his goal by any means, including fights, learning for himself what works and what does not. This is where you need to take control of the situation, but more on that later (by the way, it is as a variant of the norm that children consider fights in the family between parents, which is why they so often influence the child's aggressiveness);

Demanding Attention

This can be interpreted in different situations, and this behavior is typical for all children at absolutely any age. “Mom doesn’t want to play with blocks, but chats with her friend in the kitchen? I’ll go and slap her, or rather this aunt, so that they can finally look at me and hear me. Or this: “The teacher praises Misha more often than me, it is necessary to give Misha a “tambourine”, then the teacher will praise me instead of Misha.” “Children do not take me to play such interesting game, you must definitely spoil everything, hit someone, then everyone will run after me and it will be fun.

Or even such a familiar situation, when a first-grader boy pulls a girl's pigtails, can be interpreted from this point of view: the boy likes this girl (naturally, this is obvious to adults), but to express his sympathy and attract his attention is nothing more than insults and bullying this boy does not know how or is simply afraid.

Children cannot express their emotions, verbally explain their needs in due measure, defend their position, and agree in case of disagreement. It's easier to just hit;

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Imitation of parents and family members

Consider the situation: the baby is trying hard to do something that mom does not really like. She makes a remark to him, but it flies past his ears. As a result, mom loses her temper and slaps the silly on the pope. Bottom line: the mother is angry, the child is crying. What will we take away from this situation? Actually, the problem was not solved, the mother just let off steam, but the baby realized that by force you can achieve what you want. Accordingly, if he wants someone to stop doing what he doesn’t like, he needs to hit, hurt. And often this happens to those who are younger, weaker, more modest, etc.

Also, if it has already become a tradition in the family to have a heated showdown between parents with beatings and humiliation, then the child will firmly carry this tradition to the masses. Then why be surprised? To be honest, such upbringing methods (with the use of force) affect the child's psyche not only in pairs of mom-dad, grandpa-grandfather or parent-child. In general, parents can live in perfect harmony and sincerely do not understand why the child fights with everything that moves.

But if mom or dad angrily beat a dog for gnawed shoes or a cat for stolen fish, then it is pointless to be surprised and refer to TV or cartoons with hidden overtones.

Behavior Correction

It is necessary to understand that the problem does not arise by itself and immediately, as if by a click, once it appeared. This is preceded by a multiple chain of events, which, most often, are hidden from our eyes. And we all know perfectly well that it is easier to prevent than to correct, but still. Education is a long and painstaking process, so its quality directly affects the personality that will grow out of your baby. And even if the problem has arisen, it is necessary to make every effort to eradicate it. So how do you teach a child to fight?

✓ Younger kids (up to 3 years old) are easier to deal with, in terms of the fact that you can physically stop an attempt to beat someone by simply taking the baby away from the “victim”. Children at this age catch short sentences in the form of attitudes, but meaningless notations, metaphorical lamentations like “like peas against a wall” and other folklore will not bring any effect. Enough short phrase"You can't fight" and physical interruption of the action. If the kid hits you, then just walk away or don't let yourself hit while holding the pen. The baby may start crying or screaming. Help him "blow off steam", teach self-control. It would be nice to comment on all his actions and explain: “You are angry because ... You wanted to hit me because ... You can’t do this because ...”. This method is very effective in practice, as it turned out;

✓ You can not call your child names or "stigmatize"! Often we hear: “What a bad fighter you are! Fu, how bad you are, mom doesn’t love you anymore!” By doing this, we only exacerbate the situation. Of course, disapproval should be expressed, but without humiliating the child: "You acted very ugly, I am upset by your act ...". It is important to draw the attention of the baby to what he did, and not to humiliate him. Show that you love him in any way, but if he does not do such things, you become happier;

✓ Be united in the requirements for the child with the rest of the family. Arrange with grandparents, often visiting relatives. Agree that it will be very problematic to save a child from excessive aggression if you try to follow the rules and stop outbursts of rage, and, for example, a grandmother indulges a child, watching with laughter: “Oh, what a bully is growing!”;

✓ Try to look at the situation from a different angle and instead of punishing inappropriate behavior, introduce a reward system. But not in terms of “you have candy, you are good today”, but, for example, if a child tries to cope with himself in a feasible way and you see that he is trying to work on his mistakes;

✓ Show how you need to control your emotions, “let off steam”. With older children, in practice, you can make out the methods of respiratory sedation and the familiar counting rhyme up to 10. But even the smallest slut sometimes needs to throw out the negative: offer to beat the pillow, draw, scream, stomp your feet;

✓ Directing energy in a peaceful direction and for the benefit of the child, you can avoid such situations. Mugs and group lessons not only allow the baby physically, but also mentally, emotionally. Staying in a team, playing sports, he splashes out his strength for good;

✓ Be honest and sincere with your child. Communication "on the same wavelength" contributes not only to close friendship between children and parents, but also significantly helps in solving problems;

✓ Andmost importantly: be an example. Remember that even hidden conflicts may affect the child. Public showdowns with "scuffle", even if they are on the TV screen, should not fall into the field of view of the child.

But, what is the most paradoxical of all of the above, permissiveness and overprotection are not good either. Annoying lisping, putting the child on a pedestal and the lack of boundaries work almost the same as domestic violence and spanking with a belt. The elusive golden mean is the goal of any parent.

Finally

Summing up, I would like to say that absolutely all parents face child aggression sooner or later. Your case is not unique. But how you act will determine how long this aggression will last and whether it will result in something more. The correct suppression of inappropriate behavior, the search for and elimination of the cause, due attention to the baby - this is the key to a successful resolution of the problem.

Nevertheless, if you are sure that you are doing everything right, and the child continues to fight, then, perhaps, there is nothing criminal if you seek help from a qualified child psychologist. Perhaps it is the specialist who will see what you missed and help in solving the problem.

Until recently, your baby was a sweet and affectionate baby whom you hugged and kissed. But suddenly he began to fight with you, pinching painfully or even biting. Where does such aggression come from, what is she talking about? If a child bites or hits other children, what needs to be done to stop this - often parents make mistakes.

Why does a 2 year old fight?

At the age of up to a year or a little older, such behavior of children with bites or fights is not yet conscious, the baby simply does not understand what he is doing. Usually, this behavior does not last long and passes. But after two years, these are quite conscious actions performed by the child with the aim of causing pain. At the same time, bites and blows are applied by the child purposefully, and such behavior should not be ignored - this is fraught with a whole bunch of problems, both with other parents of affected children, and in relation to your baby and you.

2 year old child fighting with children

Clarification of relations among children through the use of force is quite normal way relationships between children. Often, small local conflicts break out in a garden group or on a playground. And if your child hits other children for 2 years, this must be treated correctly. Children check the boundaries of what is permitted, learn to interact with each other and, due to the difference in characters, skirmishes can occur. Usually these are not divided toys, places in the sandbox or something else. In such situations, it is important to do the right thing so as not to reinforce such behavior in the future and not provoke scandals with other families.

How to wean a child to fight at 2 years old

Often parents turn to psychologists with the question - a child has been fighting for 2 years, what should I do? First of all, your reaction to what is happening, and interaction with other parents, is important. If you rush to defend your fighter with foam at the mouth, he will understand that he is special, he can do everything like that too. If you start scolding him, pitying another crumb, he can learn that you can’t do this with his parents, and he will fight outside your visibility zone. Therefore, evaluate the situation - if the skirmish does not threaten the children with anything, let them figure it out themselves, often the children learn their experience faster, having received an adequate rebuff. At good relations with other parents, give them the opportunity to make a remark - sometimes from other people it works faster. If he runs to complain to you - you should not feel sorry for him, you need to calmly explain that he did badly and you should not do that. And also lead the baby to reconciliation and apology to the other child. If nothing works, it is worth using a radical remedy - after each fight you leave the team, stopping all contacts. Having lost communication, the child will understand his mistakes.

Why does a child bite at 2 years old

Similar to fighting, sometimes children may bite. These manifestations are not aggression and a sign of bad behavior, this is a test of the boundaries of what is permitted. In principle, the question of how to wean a child from biting at 2 years old is similar in tactics to fights. All points must also be observed. Also, you can never respond with aggression to aggression, the child will understand - you can, so he too. You can not spank and scream, you should be protection and support, but stop him bad behavior strict tone and explanations of wrong.

2 year old child beats mother

Often on the street and in communication with children, the baby is quite sociable and calm, but often at home a child fights with his parents for 2 years. This is a test of the boundaries of permissible behavior - "what happens if I hit?". Often, parents treat this phenomenon incorrectly, touched by waving their fists and aggressive behavior. The end or continuation of such actions will directly depend on your tactics. If a child beats his parents for 2 years, you can’t do the same in response, giving back, so that the baby understands that it hurts. He will not be able to understand this, his pain threshold is different, children are insensitive to other people's pain and cannot fully understand their behavior. But they will evaluate aggression in their direction in response in their own way, if adults can eat it, then - me too.
Therefore, it is not difficult to answer the question - why a child at 2 years old beats his mother. This is not a sign of dislike, this is a test of new methods of influence and boundaries of behavior. And it is important to stop such attacks in time. When a child fights with his mother for 2 years, you need to feel sorry for the mother by other family members, ignoring the baby. You need to let him know that his actions are wrong, without playing a performance. The kid should apologize and feel sorry for his mother.

What to do if a child fights with parents? How can parents deal with this situation? What are the reasons for this behaviour? You will find answers to these questions in our material. If you have already encountered such a situation, then our material will help you understand the reasons for the child's behavior. If your baby has not yet shown aggression, then you can predict it if you are “armed” with the appropriate knowledge. Children's aggressiveness can manifest itself in the very early age baby, moreover, this can happen abruptly and completely unexpectedly for adults. It is important for parents not to get confused and not to let such behavior take its course.

Why does the child show aggression

To deal with the problem, initially parents should think about its root causes. Children are open and unsophisticated, they rarely pretend, and all their emotions are an expression of their inner state. Think about what could be the reason for such behavior! A few of the most common reasons are:

If your son or daughter is fighting because of the above reasons, then do not let the development of further events take their course. Remember that children need to be taught decent behavior and neat, careful attitude to the people around.

Child beats mother: what to do

Often, the baby’s closest person, the mother, gets “hit” by the baby. It is explainable! After all, it is the mother who spends the most time with the baby, often it is she who forbids a lot, controls, she is also present nearby and during the period of overexcited behavior from lack of sleep, with bad mood and so on. If a child hits you and you want to correct this situation, then act consistently and always show the same reaction. “You can’t fight with mom!” - the kid must remember this expression. If the child hit (no matter for what reasons), then show that you are hurt and offended. Ask them to take pity on you and never do that again. Get "offended" by fights even when they happen during the game. But at the same time, don't give up! Double standards of behavior rarely lead to positive results, so do not allow yourself to raise your hand to the baby if you do not want to receive the same actions in your address.

What should adults do if the kid beats them

In addition to the above, we want to talk more about how adults should behave when children are fighting with them. To begin with, we will answer the most common question of parents: “Is it worth punishing a child for fighting?”. Theoretically, punishment can work, but not for long. It is likely that it will only increase negative emotions and lead to their strengthening. The child may stop fighting at home, but he will go out to the yard and throw out the aggression driven inside there. In fact, punishment is an example of the fact that cruelty is justified as a measure of influence. If this model of behavior does not suit you, and you want to change the situation, instead of temporarily "extinguishing" it, look for other ways to solve the problem.
How adults can act:

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If a child hits you, then the very first thing to do is tell him how you feel. At the same time, it is important not to use the word “you” in the sentence and not to evaluate the child as such. Express your attitude about a particular act of the baby. For example, instead of the phrase: “You did a bad thing when you hit me! I told you not to do that!" tell me about the fact that you don’t like being beaten, it’s unpleasant for you, it hurts and it’s very insulting.

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What to do if a child at 3 years old constantly fights and bites? Beating mom and dad, kids on the playground? Although children at this age may be aggressive, teaching them correct communication with others you need to start right away. Let's try to figure out why children in three years old can fight, and what should parents do about it.

A three-year-old child does not yet understand the limits of his own freedom, but he is well aware that there are ways to make others fulfill his desires. Why are the kids fighting? Let's talk about it.

3 year old child fighting with children

How three year old hitting other children can be observed quite often. Especially in kindergarten or playground. Usually in this way children demonstrate their own strength or attract attention. In both cases, we can say that the child has chosen the wrong way to adapt in society. He resorts to his strength for any trifles.

3 year old child hitting mother

Why does a child at 3 years old beat his mother and fight with his parents? This phenomenon also occurs frequently. To understand why this happens, it is necessary to follow the onset of attacks of aggression. Often the reason that a 3-year-old child beats parents is a response to any punishment, including physical ones. In addition, a three-year-old child fights with mom and dad because he perceives it as a game. He likes that the blow is followed by resentment, and then the long-awaited reconciliation and kisses with hugs. That is, the kid is attracted by the process itself, and he starts to fight again and again. Therefore, his attempts to strike must be stopped immediately, in which case he will begin to think.

Why does a 3 year old fight?

So after all, why does a three-year-old baby show aggression? In general, there are several reasons for this:

• Your child is not familiar with other ways of expressing feelings. In such young age children, sometimes, do not have enough words to express their feelings, so they express them in this way.
• The child wants something forbidden. At this age, they want to get everything at once and often, if you forbid it, they begin to assert their rights.
• The kid needs the help of parents. Sometimes children fight if something doesn't work out for them. They feel annoyed and begin to show aggression precisely because of this.

Why does a 3 year old bite?

Babies usually bite to show their helplessness or fear. For example, if they lose in a fight with a peer. Also, the habit of biting other children and adults may be associated with problems in self-expression or self-control in the baby. That is why it is best to show the child to a child psychologist so that he gives an accurate answer to your question.

How to wean a child at 3 years old to fight

What to do if a child fights at 3 years old? First of all, parents should be patient, as they will need time and energy to fight pugnacity. No need to show a violent reaction - it will not help. If children fight among themselves, they need to be separated, and then pay attention to the victim.

If a child beats his parents, you need to take him by the hand and move away from him. In no case should you punish and beat the baby.
Also, with manifestations of aggression, you can distract the child with something. A new activity will quickly help him switch.

Also, be sure to talk to your child. Tell him that you are upset by his behavior. Ask why he shows aggression and attacks with his fists. Do not forget that your baby simply does not yet know how to express his emotions in other ways, and your direct task is to teach him.

Quarrels and conflicts between children in a family are inevitable, and this is not bad, because brothers and sisters have an excellent opportunity to learn how to interact with another person. The task of parents is to teach children to competently get out of conflict situations.

Causes of conflicts

If quarrels periodically develop into fights, then there are some children's needs that are not fully satisfied. The most common causes of conflict between children include:

• jealousy;
• attracting the attention of parents;
• excessive demands on one of the children;
• dominance of one child over another;
• obvious rivalry between children;
• struggle for the love of parents;
• sharing toys;
• boredom conflicts.

There are a number practical advice, which will tell parents how to behave during children's fights and conflicts.

Intervene or not?

IN child conflict it is permissible to intervene only in an emergency. If the children are just arguing, then let them resolve the dispute themselves first. You can only intervene if the quarrel does not subside long time or the kids start fighting.

Be a parent, not a judge. How to stop child fights

When resolving a children's conflict, you should not immediately impose punishments without understanding the situation. It will be much more useful to listen to each child individually, understand his position and point of view, and then make a joint decision. The goal of parents is not just to find the culprit, but to teach children how to resolve conflict, if necessary, apologize and admit their own mistakes.

Energy redirection

If you see that the children are already “grabbing” and fighting several times in one day, then just redirect their energy into a peaceful direction. Organize joint activities, throw ideas for games, take a walk with the children on fresh air. During school time, it will not be superfluous to find an interesting sports section for each child, where they can dump their energy, then the evenings in your family will pass peacefully.

Mine is yours

Clearly indicate with the children where whose things are. It is a big mistake to make all the toys in the family shared - this is wrong. Children may have a common designer, books, plasticine, but each child should have his own separate corner or on extreme case a box of toys that will be personally his. Teach children to ask permission before they want to take someone else's thing.

Personal time

Be sure to give each child separate time, tell the child how much you love him, hug, kiss. Even 15 minutes of personal time a day will be enough to make every child feel important and needed.

Quarreling is possible!

It would be wrong to decide to put a taboo on quarrels and conflicts between children. It can be indicated that it is forbidden to swear at meals, but you can sort things out with each other. Quarrels do not arise from scratch, there is always some reason. The more parents forbid quarreling, the more children feel the accumulated aggression.

You don't have to love

Children should not be forced to show love to each other, they are not obliged to do this. Parents decided that they would have not one, but several children, mom and dad love all their children, but the feeling of love in children towards each other should not immediately arise. In a normal family, children will sooner or later become close people, will love and support each other in difficult situations. And at this point in life, children have the right to experience irritation or anger towards their brother or sister. Say this to the children, it will become much easier for them to live if mom and dad do not crush with their endless phrases, as children are obliged to love each other.

Forbidden strikes

You cannot prohibit conflicts and fights, but it would be reasonable to identify a number of unacceptable actions. Talk to the children about what actions should not be allowed during conflicts - for example, you should not throw objects at each other, hit on the head and face.

Personal space

For each child in the family, organize a personal space, even if it is a small corner. The child should be able to retire and be alone at any time when he himself wants it.

Every child is an individual

As often as possible, say how each child is unique individually. Important to note positive traits and the skills of each child, it is important for children to know that they are unique.

Together you are strength

Reinforce the manifestations of friendship and love for each other in children. Emphasize that together they are great, they did a great job with the task, say that together you are strong. Come up with more cases and games where children will act not as rivals, but as allies, this will perfectly bring them together.

individual needs

Always consider the needs of each child. It is a mistake to force two children to walk in one sports section or singing, dress in the same clothes. Let everyone do what he likes, dress up the way he likes.

Competent schedule

So that children quarrel as little as possible, think over the daily routine, make schedules so that children have the opportunity not only to study at school, but also have time to fully and timely eat, relax and attend circles that are interesting to them. If the children are full, rested and slept, spent energy in classes, walks, then they will have a minimum of reasons for quarrels and conflicts.

Justice Above All

Be fair to your children, if you promised to buy something, then keep your word. Sometimes one child will get more expensive things, and another less expensive. Always explain why this is happening, but in general it is important to strike a balance so that each child does not feel left out.

Pronunciation of emotions

Teach children to voice their emotions towards each other. If a child tells his brother or sister that he is now angry with him or offended, this will only be a plus. In the future, he will be able to grow up as a person who not only keeps all emotions in himself, but knows how to decide difficult situations, pronounce troubles and calmly get out of conflicts.

It is important not to suppress children's emotions, but to teach brothers and sisters to interact with each other, then they can grow up successful and happy people. The experience of conflict resolution that children learn in childhood will help them decide how to family problems, and difficult situations At work. Such people are better prepared for adulthood.