Why you shouldn't scold your child for bad grades. Should a child be punished for bad grades?

What to do if the child brought a “deuce”, and how to properly motivate for a good study. Psychologist's recommendations.

Marina, is it necessary to explain to the child about the school grading system, that “five” is good, and “two” is bad?

If the school has a grading system, and especially if it is adopted in primary school, then about it, of course, you need to talk with the child. Explain to him in what cases and for what you can get this or that mark. It is important that the child does not form such a negative connection: “if I bad marks So I'm bad."

In the traditional Russian school assessment is a public act. The whole class, or even the whole school, knows what grades this or that child is studying for. And very often, especially in elementary school, grades are a measure of the child's personality as a whole, when labels like "C" or "A" testify to the child's abilities in principle. They are also a filter in the process of adaptation of the child both in the peer group and in the teaching community. And this prism is the main one in the school environment. The fact that a child's speed of perceiving material is lower than others, for example, or because of his choleric temperament it is difficult for him to concentrate on a task - all these nuances will be taken into account as a last resort.

Often the school does not take into account the dynamic processes in the development of the student. At the beginning of the year, the child could show far top scores, but by the end of the quarter his performance became higher, however total score does not take into account this progress when deriving a quarter mark - initial low marks, especially in in large numbers, will discount the final high marks.

Therefore, the child, of course, should know that he needs to strive to get good grades in order to be successful in the future. But bad grades should not be interpreted as ignorance, carelessness and laziness.

Childgot a two. Should it be punished?

Do not do this. Motivation for progress and achievement should be positive. If there is a bad score, then you need to try harder to improve the result. Punishing a child for a bad grade, for example, depriving him of walks, games or socializing with friends, his motivation will be negative. It forms either fear or nihilism. In case of fear, the child will be afraid to take the initiative. This can be implemented as follows: for example, one problem may have several solutions, but even if your child has them, he will be silent or use the only valid answer, because he will be afraid to make a mistake. In the case of nihilism, aggression and aversion to learning arise, the child will think like this: “if I have a bad grade, then I will do badly in everything.”

Let your child understand that a bad grade is just an excuse to improve further. It's like in sports, where a loss or a missed goal is not a failure, but another training session and a step towards a new achievement, victory. This is how the child should be related to the marks of the teacher.

If each bad evaluation is followed by its analysis, and in the connotation of a positive outcome, then it will be possible to avoid them faster. Because the child who brought the deuce will know that he can explain to the parent why this happened, why the deuce, where he misunderstood the material. The student will have a sense of security, not fear. The task of parents and teachers is to provide such a safe space for the student and, first of all, the elementary school student.

Is the child afraid of getting a bad grade, is he very nervous before the tests? What to do?

If a child is afraid of bad grades, most likely, parents have already played their “role” here, who “loaded” the child with their expectations and unspoken demands.

No need to make a child a continuation of your own success! Become a friend to your child! Each assessment needs support, care, the child must know what he has safe place and this place is his family.

If the child is worried before the test, tell a story about yourself, about how you went to test papers how they passed exams, that you, too, were sometimes scared and excited, just like he is now. And very often the control ended successfully, because there was enough knowledge, just like your child. But when you didn't get much good mark you always had a chance to fix it. And the child also has this chance. This identification in this case important, it provides support to your student.

There is nothing good in the fact that a child is constantly afraid of getting a bad grade. The psyche of a child who is threatened by a bad grade, in parental and teacher rejection, will include defense mechanisms. And this is a normal mental function. However, the protection itself will not be the best. One option is an endless sense of guilt for a bad grade and dissatisfaction with oneself, which as a result can lead to the identity of an inferior person. The second option is the development of such a quality as slyness, silence, which is called lies in the common people. To avoid punishment (of course, provided that he is punished for bad grades), the child will lie. There is also a third option. To prove that he is a good student, having received a bad grade, he will embark on the rails of perfectionism and will only deal with lessons. The result can be impressive, provided the child has a strong ego and is able to withstand setbacks. But in elementary school, which lays in the child knowledge about himself with the help of grades, this is not typical. In addition, all three options are united by a common feeling - a feeling of fear, which in adulthood develops into background anxiety and becomes one of the components neurotic states. For some, this is practically not noticeable, and someone who was unlucky with a teacher in childhood will be very sensitive to disturbing effects on the psyche.

Do I need to praise for the "five"?

Praise for the five, of course, you need. But don't overdo it with comments like "you're the best", "you know everything", etc. Do not create a cult of “five”, when “five” is good, and everything else is below the bar and does not deserve praise, then a “bad” assessment will not become a tragedy for the child.

If a child receives excellent grades, this is a reason for pride, first of all, for parents. It is they who can influence the development of the so-called excellent student syndrome. Children's perfectionism is a very difficult neurosis for a child, but a child gets into it with the direct assistance of an adult. As a rule, such a child is initially loaded with large parental expectations. The only way to justify them - to be good in everything, to become an excellent student, to win not even in your game. If this does not happen, then the child feels unworthy and unnecessary to his parents.

First of all, make it clear to the child that you are not praising him for the grades he receives, but for the fact that he strives for knowledge, shows interest in learning something. And there is no harm in the fact that at some point the child shows less curiosity about the subject and does not get excellent marks for it.

The child believes that the teacher was unfair with him and underestimated the mark. How to proceed?

Analyze the situation, find out why the teacher gave such a mark. When you talk to your child about their grades, you are showing them your support. But it is also important not to drop the authority of the teacher in the eyes of the child. Therefore, it is worth standing not in the position of the parent of your child, but in the position of a teacher. Because often from the position of a parent we have one desire - to protect the child. If there really is an injustice in the mark, then it is worth discussing this with the teacher.

In the photo: painting by Reshetnikov F.P. "Double Again"

Most schoolchildren are approaching the long-awaited holidays.

Your baby has imperceptibly grown up, and now he is no longer a baby and not a funny preschooler, but an almost adult respectable person - a schoolboy. Bought school uniform and the best satchel, a pack of notebooks, pens, pencils and a whole bunch of other necessary things. And you look forward to the fact that the child will delight his parents every day with fives? It cannot be otherwise: after all, your child is the most intelligent, developed, quick-witted and well-read!

Suddenly… For no apparent reason, deuces appear in the diary. And you are at a loss: how is it? What to do? Scold, punish, deal with the teacher?

We will give some advice from a psychologist on how to act if a child brings bad grades:

Tip #1 First of all - calm down. Not a single person has yet managed to do without deuces. Remember the most important thing: for bad grades, you can neither scold, nor, moreover, punish. Why? Because this will not help get rid of the problem, but it will show the child that parents cannot be trusted, and next time he will try to hide the mark he received. And over time, he will learn to hide other problems from you. Do you need it?

If deuces appear in your child's diary occasionally, then you should not worry at all. Such episodic bad grades can be considered an accident: who doesn’t happen to!

Tip #2 If you see a clear deterioration on the learning front, try to understand the situation. Maybe the school curriculum is too difficult for the child? This happens more often than is commonly thought. In this case, consider additional classes. A similar result occurs in the case, on the contrary, of an overly easy program for a child whose level of development is ahead of the knowledge offered by the school. He is simply bored with what he has known for a long time, and deuces may appear as a result of negligence.

Tip #3 Another option is banal laziness. Well, your child is also a person, has the right to be lazy. Try to control how he does his homework check it every evening for a while. Maybe I'll have to sit with him over textbooks, explain something. This method will also help if the student simply did not understand a topic, and he had difficulties.

Tip #4 A good way out would be the right motivation. Explain to the kid that the knowledge he receives in elementary school is the basis of all further studies, and if he takes his studies lightly now, then in high school he will have a very difficult time. Do not threaten, but calmly say that if you receive a report card with bad grades, you will have to cancel the long-awaited summer trip: it must be earned. And don't be afraid to keep your promise if the child fails. Let him realize: he entered into adult life, canceling a trip is not a punishment, but a confirmation of the truth that all good things need to be earned.

Tip #5 It may also happen that the student does not have a relationship with the teacher. Here, parents should make every effort to “deal with” the situation with the teacher. Talk to the child, find out the reason, try to understand the essence - who is right and who is not. It will also be useful to have a conversation with the teacher - alone or on parent meeting, depending on the circumstances. Just do not tune in to the "war"! Show your diplomatic skills.

Your goal is not to discourage the child from learning, not to suppress his faith in himself. Demand, but do not shout and do not scold. Explain that you are ready to provide any assistance that is required of you.

Over the years, unpleasant incidents are usually erased from memory - and most adults remember the school with warmth and nostalgia. Some parents, having forgotten the troubles of their own school years, sometimes do not notice the problems of teenage children, do not take them seriously and leave their offspring alone with their fears. However, the student's difficulties may be the result (or cause) of serious psychological problems. On the eve of September 1, "Dialogue" found out from today's schoolchildren and recent graduates what worried them the most, and asked Stanislav Garkusha, a psychologist, a postgraduate student at the Faculty of Psychology at St Petersburg University, to comment on these fears.

Shot from the film "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire), 2005 / Warner Bros. Pictures/Heyday Films/Patalex IV Productions Limited

Fear No. 1: Not passing the exam

Daria, a graduate of 2016: “I would not say that I prepared for the Unified State Examination around the clock - during the year I had time both for friends and for young man and for serials. But the pressure was enormous: both from the teachers, who said how difficult the exam would be, and from the mother, who always insisted that a brilliant result was needed to enter the desired university. By the way, in the end I went there on a budget. April was the hardest for me: I remember how I cried, standing at the blackboard, because of a classmate's stupid joke, and then for 20 minutes I could not pull myself together. Then I realized that it was time to start drinking sedatives.

Psychologist's comment:“For every child, “failing to pass the exam” is not the same thing. For some, this means not entering the budget, that is, it is the responsibility for family money. And for some, this is a loss of prestige. For example, when parents tell everyone about a child - “smart, good, who will enter such and such a university,” and the like. So it is impossible to give one answer how to deal with this fear. It is imperative to understand what the child puts into this fear, why it is so important for him to pass the exam. general recommendation like “don’t put pressure on the child”, of course, you can give it, but the parent may think that he doesn’t do this, but at the same time say: “Pass the exam, I don’t put pressure on you,” and repeat this a thousand times. In many cases there is real problem- The child is not feeling well increased anxiety, - then it would be nice to turn to a psychologist. The parent may not notice their own actions that provoke the child to heightened anxiety.

Fear #2: Disappointing parents and teachers

Alexandra, graduate of 2017: “It was very scary to disappoint my parents who believed in me, that I could study well, and then I would enter a prestigious university. I was afraid to let the respected teachers down. For example, I had a very demanding English teacher. But at the same time, she really invested a lot in us, worked hard, studying with us, so getting a low score in her subject was not only scary, but embarrassing.”

Psychologist's comment:“There may be different cases. One situation - again, the budget. It is clear that now education in our country can be quite expensive, and if a child does not study the way he needs to enter the university, he can take on additional responsibility for the family, for family budget. Another case is when a child can be presented as, say, a successor to a dynasty. But in general, if the child is not accepted in the family as he is, if he imposes his ambitions, not taking into account the wishes of the child, then such fears may arise. And in general, the recommendations will be the same - to analyze each case separately, and, if possible, contact a psychologist and try to support the child, accept him. He passed some kind of exam, did not pass - this is far from an indicator of which child is good or bad.

Fear #3: Getting a bad grade

Elina, a graduate of 2017: “Since the 1st grade, I wanted to get a gold medal. We were told that it would take two recent years in each subject to have at least half of the fives, but I was afraid that the law would be changed, and I would not receive a medal with my fours. For me, it would have been a tragedy of my whole life at that moment, I went to this goal all 11 years of study, and I could not let everything take its course, I had to be completely confident in the result. Therefore, I even tried not to get fours, and I was even afraid to think about triples. In general, in the 11th grade, I broke down from overexertion, even cried several times.

Psychologist's comment:“Someone is beaten at home because of bad grades. They don’t beat someone, but they say: “How is it? You disappoint us." Maybe someone has a very strong school or a class in which almost all are excellent students, and getting a four means becoming worse than others. There are, again, situations when the child is told at home that he must be perfect in everything. This can lead to neurosis and breakdowns. Another thing is that a child can just get upset because of the three. Basically, being upset is normal reaction, it also needs to be accepted: the child was upset, thought about what happened - this does not mean that you need to run to a psychologist or any other specialist, even say "do not be upset." Why not? I was upset - I made conclusions, next time I acted differently. There are also cases when parents send their child to school in young age, and against the background of older children, he still “does not pull”. This can lead to the fact that, comparing himself and other classmates, the child will understand that he is weaker in places - it is more difficult for him to hold attention, control emotions, he may begin to develop a negative perception of himself. And in this regard, it is absolutely normal developing child can show bad results, simply because classes are not for his age. The main recommendation is wise parent, try to understand what exactly the child puts into the assessment, what it means to him, and start from this, and not from his own claims to the child. “You have to be an excellent student” - why?

Fear #4: Strict or angry teachers

Olesya, a graduate of 2016: “I had a teacher at school who was afraid of everyone, especially the lower grades. She always screamed a lot, she could easily be pissed off, while in her lessons she was very demanding - not to do homework was tantamount to suicide. With age, we realized that this is her style of work, that at the end we get a lot of knowledge from her. And she already spoke with high school students on an equal footing, so in the 11th grade, nothing seems to be left of the former horror. ”

Psychologist's comment:“Fear in this case can arise both from the banal: the teacher shows aggression towards the child, he is unfair to him, and in connection with more difficult situations- the child could have been harmed by a person who outwardly resembles a teacher. Maybe some manners evoke associations and, in connection with this, an inexplicable fear appears for him. Again, in any situation it is important to disassemble specific case. Maybe this teacher is terrorizing the whole class. But it is not necessary to immediately stigmatize the teacher. We need to figure it out."

Fear #5: Going to the board

Dmitry, 10th grader: “I was always afraid to go to the blackboard. There was a horror that I could start to be stupid, the teacher would be angry, and classmates would laugh. In Russian, our teacher almost every lesson calls someone to the blackboard to write word combinations for spelling. And now she is afraid to make a stupid mistake: she will begin to say that we have repeated this rule a hundred times already, but I did not remember. And in the sixth grade, I couldn’t multiply 6 by 7 at the blackboard. I just forgot how much it would be.

Psychologist's comment:“Perhaps the child has speech defects that he is ashamed of. These problems can be solved by a psychologist, individually. In addition to a psychologist, for example, he can go to courses in public speaking. Or fear may be associated with rejection in the classroom: when he goes to the blackboard, he hears ridicule and jokes, negative statements from classmates or teachers. Again, you need to try to get away from looking for a simple answer as much as possible. Yes, you can try simple techniques: for example, a technique for managing your emotions, but it is far from a fact that this will help solve the problem. Let's say we stopped the fear of going to the board, but there may be a whole bunch of unresolved problems that will be left without attention. Therefore, it is necessary to analyze each individual case very carefully, and, based on this, take certain steps.”

Fear #6: Being an Outcast

Elizabeth, 11th grader: “In high school I had few friends, we are generally, except inside small company almost didn't talk to anyone. At some point, I realized that I wanted to be friends with other guys, and began to move away from the old company in order to join the class. I also remember that sometimes I forgot to wash my clothes, and there were situations when all normal things were dirty, and I didn’t want to go to school in something else. I was afraid that they would look askance at me, laugh at me. I also have such a school - girls on show-offs in branded dresses.

Psychologist's comment:“For a teenager, the reference group to which he belongs is very significant. His main area of activity is interpersonal communication, and, in this regard, the issues of interaction with peers become important. But, again, not everyone: some feel great alone with themselves. But in general, if we talk about teenagers, this is the most important area of \u200b\u200bactivity. These are the stages of development, the entry of a person into common life. Therefore, the fear of not joining the team, of being alienated from it is natural.

Fear number 7: "Sleep" with a cheat sheet

Egor, 10th grader: “It scares me that the teacher will notice the spur, give you a bad mark, and then he won’t trust you, he will start paying more attention to you in tests. On one of the tests, I decided not to learn anything, and try a miracle modern technology- Microphone. This is such a tiny bead, you throw it on the eardrum, and then pull it out with a special magnet. But I didn’t hear half of what my friend dictated to me, there were constant communication problems, he didn’t understand what I wanted from him. In the end, three. Learning everything is much more reliable.”

Psychologist's comment:“Abroad, as I know, cheat sheets are considered shameful, and they face quite serious sanctions for them. If we are talking about Russian reality, then very often the use of cheat sheets is sometimes not only not shameful, but almost prestigious. This is the "highest" level: you were able to deceive the teacher. Why they are used - options are also possible. One of them is laziness. Many say that it makes no sense to study a subject: it will not be useful - and so they justify themselves. But, in general, there is still a question in culture. We, unfortunately, have developed a certain culture of cheating, which is sometimes even encouraged by peers. But for someone, a cheat sheet can also serve as an aid that gives confidence: if he is caught with it, he, even knowing the answer, will not be able to answer.

Fear #8: Mom or teacher will see with a cigarette

Eugene, 11th grader: “I don’t smoke now, but, like everyone else, I tried. At school, it’s scary that teachers will see, they will take me to the director, although I don’t even know what will happen to me. Naturally, I was scared that my mother would find out and scold me. But in the end, at some point, she found out, and just had an “educational conversation”.

Psychologist's comment:“Smoking is not the same for every child. Someone starts smoking because of the influence of the reference group, as many say, “the street taught me how to smoke.” If you smoke, then you are part of this group, well done. For some, this may be a desire to be like dad or mom. For some, this is an aspect of adulthood that gives confidence. For some, it's just curiosity. If a parent finds out that his child smokes, he should refrain from pressure, aggression, and, moreover, physical violence. You should try to talk to your child. But, again, if the parent himself smokes and at the same time says that smoking is not good, then there may not be an effect. The age of the child is also important, as are the characteristics of the relationship between the child and the parent.

What to do with other fears?

Psychologist's comment:“Not always the view of a parent can be objective. Therefore, you need to be wise: support the child, accept him as he is. This does not mean that it should be encouraged deviant behavior and deviations, but, nevertheless, regardless of the actions, you need to love and support the child. No need to put pressure on him, trying to achieve success that he himself cannot achieve. It is worth considering what you want from the child and why: often at the expense of sons and daughters, parents try to realize their own ambitions. In this case, you need to understand that the child is not you and not your property, he must have his own life and his own choice. Do not immediately stigmatize the teacher and blame him for the problems of the child - you need to understand. In general, it is worth understanding all fears, because every student is a unique person, which means that even the most, at first glance, insignificant problem can be fraught with a completely unpredictable reason.

Your child is not the worst student in the class, but bad grades often ruin his and your mood. It is very important to teach the student not to be afraid of bad grades.

In the future, this will help the child to more easily relate to his failures and not consider them a universal catastrophe.

Studying at school is the knowledge of life

First, explain to your child that learning is not about success and failure. important in school years learn to acquire useful life skills. Tell me that at school it is important to learn to understand others, to build relationships. But, of course, knowledge is also very important.

To teach your child not to be afraid of bad grades and mistakes, tell him that learning is a long, slow process that continues throughout his life.

And if you think about grades all the time, then there will not be enough time to study. And many great discoveries were not without long trials, numerous mistakes and failures.

Don't bully a student with bad grades

It is clear that if the mother constantly says: “Teach, otherwise you will get a deuce!”, The child will simply be pathologically afraid of getting a bad grade. As a result, the fear of answering in class.

And he can’t really show knowledge either, even if they exist.

It is good if the teacher is sensitive and understands that the student is modest and timid.

And if not? Then - solid deuces. It turns out a vicious circle.

So do not scold the student for bad grades, it is better to ask what the new child learned at school. During the conversation, it will definitely become clear why he received a bad grade.

Many parents sincerely believe that helping a child study well means teaching lessons with him and scolding him for bad grades.

Meanwhile, psychologists are tired of repeating that both methods are ineffective in terms of child development. On the one hand, total control of the student's educational life lower grades and punishments for bad grades in school are paying off: grades get better. But at what cost... The child loses motivation and interest in learning, independence and initiative, the school begins to be perceived as a heavy duty. The child gets used to learning lessons not for the sake of acquiring new knowledge, not for the sake of learning, but to get a good grade, so as not to be scolded ... Hence the thoughtless cramming, cheat sheets, cheating, lies to the teacher and parents. Joyless, isn't it?.. In order to prevent such a development of events, it is necessary, first of all, to change your attitude towards bad grades.

Let's start with the fact that scolding a child of 7-12 years old for bad grades is pointless, because at this age children still do not know how to draw positive conclusions from criticism. Your child is able to draw only one conclusion: "I am bad." And if the situation is repeated every day, then very soon the child will be convinced of his stupidity and finally give up. Especially if you regularly cite an excellent student Masha as an example. Be sure to learn yourself and teach your child to compare yourself with "yesterday's self", and not with other children. In junior school age this is especially important.

Praise your child for progress, even if it wasn't graded at school. For example, a first-grade student will get the same mark for 3 mistakes in dictation and for 5 - "3". And you can praise your child for the fact that although he got a triple, he wrote the dictation much better, made 2 fewer mistakes. And if you try a little more, then there will be even fewer mistakes, and the score will also become better. That is, we praise the student for diligence, the will to win, for any progress, and scold him for laziness and irresponsibility, but not for bad grades. And we don’t just say: “You’re doing well today (clever)”, but we explain what exactly we praise for.

And further. Learn to speak to your little student Magic word"but" is inspiring. Let the child do poorly in mathematics (after all, no one has yet canceled the ability), but it is good in the Russian language. And it is not so important what your child will be the best in, the main thing is that he does not consider himself “lost” and “good for nothing”.

P.S.
Of course, we all want our children to be better than us: happier, healthier, smarter, more successful... And scolding children, we, first of all, want the best for them. But when you are going to analyze school marks your child, often remember how you studied yourself ... This will help to be more objective.