Why do adult children not want to communicate with their parents? Adult children do not want to communicate with their parents: help from a psychologist

As a rule, it is not easy for children and parents to establish an open dialogue. Parents often think that they are breaking boundaries, and children think that parents are simply not interested in listening to them. If it seems to you that your parents are too critical, or you are very embarrassed to even start a conversation with them, then a conversation plan and some communication rules will come to the rescue.

Steps

Part 1

Take courage. Whatever you are going to talk about, it is important to understand one thing: as soon as you talk to your parents, you immediately feel better. No need to worry, worry or be shy, as parents are always ready to help. They may even know more than you think.

Don't worry about your parents getting upset or reacting badly. If you prepare and do everything right, then the conversation will develop properly. Parents worry about their children because they care about them and want only the best. Therefore, they will be very happy that you turned to them for advice.

Don't walk away from the conversation. A problem or embarrassment won't go away if you just walk away from talking to your parents. It is important to speak out to relieve stress. Think about what your parents will try to understand and solve the problem. Such thoughts will help you get rid of stress and anxiety.

Decide who to talk to. Do you want to talk to both parents, or is it better for your mother to help you in this situation? Relationships with both parents are different, so think about what to do.

• Some topics are easier to discuss with a parent. For example, mom reacts more calmly, and dad can flare up. In this case, it is better to first talk with mom, and then discuss the situation with dad together.
• It should be understood that the parents are likely to tell each other about your conversation, even if you only talk to one of them. It's best to talk to both at once, but it doesn't hurt to enlist the support of one of them if that makes it easier for you. For example, you do not need to move away from your dad by talking about school bullies to your mom alone. Ask your mom how best to tell dad about this if you're worried he'll get mad because you didn't stand up for yourself.

1. Choose a time and place to talk. Find out when parents will be free to choose right time. Parents don't need to be distracted by the upcoming meeting or the need to prepare dinner. It is equally important to choose the right appropriate place so that you are not distracted by your parents' colleagues or a working TV.

   Consider the consequences. Whatever you want to get out of the conversation, parents can give you several different answers. Get ready for everything. Ideally, the conversation should go your way, but don't worry if it doesn't. You are not alone, as teachers and adult relatives will always come to the rescue.

   • If the result does not suit you, then try the following:
     • Talk to your parents again. Perhaps you just chose the wrong moment. If they are upset, they are unlikely to be able to openly and calmly talk to you. For example, do not ask permission to go to dance night if you made them late for their sister's rehearsal.
     • Stop trying. There is no point in angering your parents and depriving yourself of the chance to get what you want in the near future. If a polite and open conversation took place between you, after which both parties remained unconvinced, then accept the point of view of the parents. Show maturity by showing respect for other people's opinions so that in the future parents will better perceive your words and understand that you are able to control emotions.
     • Get outside support. Reach out to grandparents, friends' parents, or teachers to defend your point of view. Parents are always trying to protect you, so by seeking outside help, you will convince them that there are ways to resolve the situation. For example, you can ask your older brother to tell your parents that you want to go to a place they are going to soon, so they can let you down and make sure you're all right.

Part 3

1. Your thought should be clear and understandable. Be direct about what you think, feel or want to receive. In such a situation, it is easy to get nervous and speak incoherently. Prepare for a conversation to relax. Bring concrete examples so that parents can interpret everything correctly.

   Be sincere. Don't exaggerate and don't lie. It's hard to hide emotions if the topic is important to you. Speak sincerely and make sure that your parents do not let your words fall on deaf ears. If you have previously deceived your parents or embellished the situation, then it will be difficult for them to believe you. Be persistent.

   Understand the parent's point of view. Suggest a possible reaction. Have you already talked about similar topics? If you know that your parents will refuse or disagree with you, then say that you understand the reasons for such a decision. Show that you understand their motives, and then parents will better perceive your words.

   • For example, if your parents don't want you to have mobile phone then say, “Mom, dad, I know you don't want to buy me a phone. It costs a lot of money and requires a responsible attitude, so you think that children of my age do not need it. You are aware that my classmates have phones, and you consider this an overkill, since they only play games and look at photos on Instagram. What if I have accumulated the required amount and can buy a phone with my own money? You can check all the games and apps you have downloaded, and I will use my phone to alert you if you are late for training or when you are on the house phone with grandma.”

2. Don't argue and don't cry. Be polite and show your maturity. Better to do without sharp remarks if you disagree with your parents. Talk to your parents the way you want them to talk to you.

   Talk to one of the parents. In some cases, it is better to talk only with mom or only with dad. For example, sometimes it’s easier to discuss studies with dad, but with mom - romantic relationship. Choose the most suitable person.

   Time and place. During the conversation, it is important to get the full and undivided attention of the parents. Do not start a conversation in crowded places or during a short break. Let them understand everything they hear and don't start important conversation at the wrong moment.

   Listen carefully to your parents. Don't get distracted thinking about the best answer. It is important to listen to the words of parents and respond appropriately to them. People often get distracted by outside thoughts if they don't get the response they want right away.

   • You can even repeat the words of your parents to make sure that you understand everything correctly and show your own attentiveness.

3. Express your opinions one by one. The conversation should not turn into a monologue, so you need to ask questions and find Right words if they can't understand you. Do not interrupt or raise your voice. If your parents are upset, then say something like this: “I understand that you are upset. Let's continue the conversation later, when you feel better, to constructively solve the problem.

Part 4

1. • For example, if you are worried that your parents will be upset, then immediately say about it: “Mom, I know that you warned me about this and my words will upset you, but it is very important for me that you listen to me and help.”
   • If your parents are very impressionable and you can expect a sharp response or refusal, then say that you expected this development of events, but still gathered the courage to talk to them. Act prudently and defuse the situation with positivity: “Dad, I know how angry you will be, but I need to say this because I understand that you love and respect me, and you are only angry because you want the best for me.”

Choose the right time. If the parents are already upset about something, then the likelihood of a negative response will only increase. If the conversation can be postponed, then wait for a more favorable moment. Talk when parents are in good mood and able to listen openly. Morning is not the best time, as parents can rush to the bus or get ready for work. That is why in the morning it is better not to talk on serious topics.

2. The little things are important too. A simple “Thank you” or “Hi, how was your day?” help to communicate.
3. It's okay to disagree, but respect someone else's point of view.
4. Help your parents prepare dinner and talk while everyone is minding their own business. At such a moment, everyone will be in the same room and will be able to speak freely.
5. Don't be afraid and stay confident.
6. Read books, blogs, or forums to learn how to talk openly with your parents.

Warnings

• The longer you postpone discussion difficult question the higher the risk of stress. If your parents find out what you're hiding important facts, then the subsequent conversation is unlikely to bring the desired result.
• If in the past you have found it difficult to communicate with your parents, then it may take time to establish a constructive dialogue.
• Be patient, especially when speaking in sensitive topics. Emotions should not be allowed to take precedence over common sense.

The relationship between fathers and children every year acquires new facets and colors - after all, every year the number of clients-parents who complain that their own children have turned away from them, or do not want to communicate, is growing more and more noticeably? Who is right and who is the victim, and is this really how things happen? modern parents and their adult children - we will find out in this article.

Parents want to interact with their children. Children do not want to communicate with their parents.

From infancy, the unshakable confidence of parents becomes the confidence that their child is the most wonderful creature in this world, and to the victorious end. parental ties won't subside. Unfortunately, every year we psychologists are becoming more and more convinced of the opposite: remnants of Soviet upbringing have practically sunk into oblivion, and healthy human egoism comes to meet them, as well as to completely replace them.

Children turned away from their parents: what to do?

One of the biggest beliefs that psychologists and psychotherapists work with in the key parent-child relationship, it becomes certain that every adult person brings up his own copy, so that, excuse me, there is someone to bring a glass of water in old age. And for many (although every year the number of clients with such a request is rapidly decreasing), this belief staunchly covers the whole healthy picture of the world.

Child turns away from mom/dad

There can be many reasons for such behavior, and the root of the problem, as parents see it, is not always in the child. Full immersion in the life of the child, hyper-custody, over-concern, reduces the fruits of upbringing to the fact that the child, at the first opportunity, will "jump" from such parents, as much as the heels will sparkle. Respect for personal boundaries and personal space - often this stumbling block is the problem of many families.

Children must be let go: let the adult child go

Children grow up and make their own own choice. Why does an adult child not want to communicate with a parent? The answer is often simple - excessive overprotection, demands to get married, get married, do something against the child's own will moves him away from you at a huge psychological distance. If the child turned away - perhaps the problem is far from him.

By their behavior, children, as a rule, do not want something for someone - in this case to prove to parents. The ability to have personal space and assert their own boundaries, which your children probably did not, inclines him to such behavior where he wants to convey to you a simple truth: "Leave me alone."

What to do if children do not want to communicate with their parents?

We cordially recommend that you sign up for a consultation with a psychologist or psychotherapist of our Center that you like, who also specializes in parent-child relationships. You can choose the psychologist or psychotherapist you like in the appropriate section of the site.

We also remind you that our Center, for your convenience and comfort, provides a round-the-clock service of a psychologist or psychotherapist to your home, as well as psychological counseling in Skype format. This is especially convenient if you are in another city, and it does not matter whether you live there permanently, went on business, or on vacation: psychologists and psychotherapists of our Center work for you around the clock and seven days a week.

Silence is not always golden. © Shutterstock

It happens that a teenager prefers not to devote his parents to his inner world and pressing problems. According to child psychologists, such behavior of a teenager is a sign of growing up and becoming a personality. Therefore, you should not panic.

But this issue needs to be sorted out. Finding out why a teenager does not talk to his parents about his life will help child psychologist and the author of unique trainings "School of Success" for teenagers Daria Shevchenko.

Why is a teenager silent about his problems

The problem of a teenager in communicating with parents can be caused by the fact that the child does not feel the interest of parents in issues that are important to him. And teenagers are definitely not interested in studying and grades at school. Teenagers are interested in completely different aspects of human life.

It often happens that the causes of problems in communicating with a teenager are in the family behavior model that the child unwittingly copies or radically rejects. A teenager does not talk to his parents if it is not customary in the family to discuss problems.

Or vice versa, parents talk and teach so much that a teenager cannot even insert a word. Then the teenager behaves from the opposite.

How to help a silent teenager

For starters, do not worry too much, unless, of course, such silence of a teenager lasts for several months. We must remember that it is very important for teenagers to feel independent and special, because they need a distance in their relationship with their parents.

Often, teenagers perceive the care and words of their parents as an attempt to gain power over their lives, to prolong their childhood. Therefore, they begin to hide physically, not saying where they are going, and mentally, hiding their thoughts and feelings. This gives teenagers the opportunity to feel independent at least to some extent.

In this case, do not try to get into the soul of a teenager, but try to be imbued with his problems and tolerantly help with support.

The ideal option is an adviser on the side

It often happens that a teenager's refusal to speak sincerely extends only to members of his family. At the same time, he can share his plans and experiences with other adults.

If you find out that your son or daughter has such communication with someone from his family, with a coach or with one of the parents of friends, try not to be jealous.

It's just great that your child has an authoritative adult friend. It means that your child has someone who will help him understand himself better. Someone who can support him in Hard time. The main thing is that this adult should be adequate and wise.

And most importantly: we, parents, need to learn how to build quality relationships with children and learn to listen to them. And it is important to start doing this literally from the cradle, even before the problems of adolescence arise.

Has your child decided to work? Find out how

I am 42 years old and live alone. My mother and stepfather do not like me. There are two more in my former family younger sisters. The youngest is their common daughter and favorite. Both sisters, unlike me, live with their husbands and children, with their husbands. It so happened at one time that I checked out of our common three-room apartment and live separately, but later it turned out that my housing was not suitable for normal living. Now I can’t return to my old apartment, because they constantly make me understand that I’m superfluous there. I suffer greatly because of the impossibility of simply resting, and my parents know this, but they firmly decided that this living space should belong to two sisters. My sisters don't keep in touch with me. I live alone. I cannot forgive this betrayal and I want to stop communicating with all of them forever, since resentment against them brings me constant pain. I just can't figure out if I'm doing the right thing for myself.

Hello Maria.

I really want to support you. Resentment is a difficult experience, a universal psychological defense mechanism which helps to cope with unpleasant experiences, heartache, ambivalence of feelings (for example, love and hatred for the same person). Having experienced it, we unconsciously begin to avoid situations that hurt us.

It’s as if you are still living in your childhood and striving to get what you think you didn’t get.

Are you doing the right thing for yourself? It is difficult for another person to answer this question, the answer must be sought in oneself, in one's experiences.

I will tell you only one thing with certainty. IN Lately evidence has emerged that suggests that resentment can cause irreparable harm health. There is evidence of the existence of a connection of many diseases with emotional dependence, with the experience of resentment. The feeling of constant strong resentment, gnawing from the inside, can lead to such a disease, when the body is literally “eaten from the inside”. After all, what is resentment if not eating oneself?

What to do with this surging and suffocating feeling of resentment, which so hurts and gnaws us from the inside, delivering not fake mental suffering?

1. Try to figure it out, conduct a dialogue with yourself, think - why do I need a feeling of resentment?

What need do I want to satisfy in such a complex way?

You can try to formulate your needs more directly.

2. Try to determine what feeling is behind the offense: humiliation, rejection, disappointment?

By labeling feelings, it is easier to experience them. After that, you can try to express your grievances “at the address”, remembering that the claim will be heard if it is rational, not emotional.

Konopy Natalya Ivanovna, psychologist, Moscow

Maria, hello. You can see the internal conflict, which also consists in the need to be closer to relatives and strong resentment which prevents it from doing so. What does it mean to you to think, “Are you doing the right thing for yourself”? Does this mean that you feel deprived of something important? A lot of anger and resentment, which seem to "cloud the brain" and do not give you the opportunity to think about your feelings and understand what is happening inside you. This long haul work on inner world when it becomes possible to understand and forgive not only loved ones, but also yourself.

WITH Best wishes, psychologist Nadezhda Zharinova, Moscow

The question is relevant for many parents (a question from Tatyana, a reader of our blog). Indeed, it often happens that children grow up, go to adult life and stop paying attention to their parents, and some are not interested in their life at all. Of course, this is not entirely normal, to put it mildly. But, like any problem, this phenomenon also has its root causes, which we will consider in this article.

When you observe a situation that children, roughly speaking, “do not give a damn” about their parents who are no longer young, who can’t always take care of themselves, especially in old age, this causes at least sadness and regret, and often contempt for such ungrateful overgrown children. But this is a fact that many parents have to put up with if they do not know how to influence the situation and change it for the better.

There is another side to this issue! It must be said that quite often it is the parents, their inappropriate behavior towards their children, that is the reason for such a detachment of their children. And in order to change the situation and return the love and attention of your children, you must first of all start working on yourself for the parents themselves!

Reasons why children do not want to communicate with their parents

1. The obsession of parents, their excessive guardianship- often they are direct violence against the soul of the child, psychological pressure that absolutely no one likes! In this case, the child, small or large, will try to escape from such “care”. And right! Otherwise, he simply cannot learn to build his own life on his own.

And the constant pressure from the side of the parent will form in the child a steady rejection of his father or mother, up to hatred.Parents - do you need it?

2. Condemnation of any or many of your child's actions and lifestyle to the point of contempt for him! A parent, if he wants reciprocal gratitude and love from children, should strive to learn to love his children unconditionally and accept them as they are. And do not try to forcibly remake everything in the child that he does not like, showing his disgust, contempt, expressing condemnation in words and behavior. This will form an impenetrable shell, a wall between parent and child! And where there is - there is no love and gratitude, care and trust, warmth and affection!

3. Selfishness of the parents themselves! It usually sounds like this: - “You are an ungrateful pig, we took care of you, gave birth to raised, and you ....”, - when initially the parents have the position that the children now owe them the coffin of life, because they gave birth to them and brought up. Here you need to understand that the care of children, their gratitude can only come from their hearts, from feelings that should be born naturally. Such feelings can only be born as a response to the disinterested love of parents, and not to selfish love, when it seems that parents gave birth only for this, so that later, in old age, their children would nurse them.

Nothing will work out if you are trying to beat out gratitude, respect, love and care for yourself by force, from your children. These high feelings and sincere attitude - you need to earn your right behavior and attitude. By her example of this very sincere love, first of all!

4. Injustice shown in childhood and not only! good parent should strive to love their children unconditional love and at the same time try to be an impartial, strict and fair educator. This approach is the best heritage of the most worthy knightly and aristocratic families of the valiant past.

It is difficult for our children (actually any person) to forgive injustice and deceit. If, for example, parents rigidly demand something from the child, but they themselves do not fulfill it in life, this is not an example in this - the child always sees and feels falsehood, and simply, sooner or later, will lose faith in his parents, as in honest and fair people. Then, they will cease to be authorities for him, they will lose the respect of their children and a natural question arises: - "What is the point of communicating with such people?"

5. When children are simply not interested in their parents! Why? This happens when parents, when children appear, completely switch to them and abandon their own lives, that is, they stop taking care of themselves, grow personally, strive for a career, etc. As a result, children outgrow their parents personally, become charismatically, intellectually, energetically stronger than them, and they become not interested with their parents - there is nothing to talk about, there are no common interests, mutual understanding, respectively, is also less and less.

And if parents are progressive people, they care about children and do not forget about themselves, then children, as a rule, will always be interested in them, and respect for such parents is an order of magnitude greater than for those who do not want to achieve anything in life, after how the kids went.

6. When children were not taught to be grateful and appreciate what they have, including parents! Respect is given to the one who respects himself, and gratitude to the one who values ​​himself and his work.

Of course, gratitude and respect must be cultivated, and care for parents too (their value in the lives of children), but do this not intrusively, but by your own example. There is such a wise expression - "The luxury of human communication." Create such a luxury in your family and children will always strive for you, want to communicate and spend time together.

Nobody wants a jar of spiders, right?

What can you do to improve your relationship with your children?

1. On all of the above points, to realize where they were wrong and, above all, before Higher Powers who gave you your children. Read more.

3. Take care of yourself, set new goals in life and start developing yourself, start paying attention to your body and yourself!

4. If there is difficult situations in the past, psychological traumas and conflicts, etc., it is best to work them out with a professional healer. Write to me if you are ripe for such a job, I will give you contacts of a good one.

5. Try to talk to the children, sincerely about everything, to apologize realistically, for your wrong actions in the past, sincere conversation can always melt the ice of grievances so that new or dormant feelings break through. But, for such a conversation, you need to be ready yourself.